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I wanted to die

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I often irritate people quite easily from the moment I open my mouth. I've been told many nicknames in that regard: freak, insensitive, rude, psychopath, and machine. Frankly, I stopped being concerned about it ages ago.


“I was tired; tired of the mess of it all. I just wanted some piece, some clarity”


I was listening carefully. I heard those words from somewhere... at some point...


“Just a little piece. That´s all you wanted too, wasn´t it? A family? Home?”


I remained silent.


 Maybe Mary wanted that, John clearly desired a change in his life as well. But I don´t.


I don't want an ordinary life, I can't have one. 


“So, just let me get out of here, right? Let me just walk away. I´ll vanish, I´ll go forever.”


I should've done that; I should've let her go. I could've stopped it; I could've saved a friend. But at that moment, even when I was silent, those words were sounding on my head and I realized:


Oh, I heard those words before. I said those words many times during my teen years, and even if I wanted to ignore it, it still keeps being said over and over again on my mind.


What do you say?”


“After what you did?”


“Mary, no!”


Both Mary and I were in grave danger. A gun, she pulled out a gun from her handbag and that's when it all started. I should have expected it; I should have stopped at that moment.  But I kept going.


“I was never a field agent. I always thought I´d be rather good.”


“Well, you handled the operation in Tbilisi very well.”




“For a secretary.”




As I mentioned before, once I open my mouth, people get mad at me and they start hating it. They have reasons, to be frank. I'm not going to pretend that what I say is with good intentions.


“Can´t have been easy all those years sitting in the back, keeping your mouth shut, when you knew you were cleverer than most of the people in the room.”


And I started. My great talent: irritating people with hurtful words. But that wasn't the appropriate moment. I should have known it, I should have avoided it.


I didn't stop; I kept talking as if there wasn't a tomorrow. She had a gun, I knew the danger I was in, but that was exactly what I was looking for: to threaten my life.




“A divorcee´s more likely to look for a new partner. A widow to fill the void left by her dead husband. “


“Sherlock, don´t”


“Pets do that, or so I´m told. And there´s clearly no one new in your life otherwise you wouldn´t be spending your Friday nights in an aquarium.”


She was very smart. For a secretary, divorced and a loner, she was smart enough to fool my brother. But not to me.


“There´s no way out.”


“So it would seem. You see right through me, Mr Holmes.”


“It´s what I do.”


Then, she smiled. Not good at all, when a criminal smile.


“Maybe I can still surprise you.”


I pretended to be surprised. I knew what would come next. A shot to the chest. Pain for a few seconds. Finally, death.


She pointed the gun at me and my brother, Mary and Lestrade were stunned.


Everything happened in slow motion. Was there a chance of avoiding the bullet? Maybe, but I just waited for it with open arms.


I thought that at least John wouldn't see me die again; it was hard enough for him two years ago when I faked my suicide.


John. The only friend I ever had in my life. The only person who tolerates me and that doesn't see me as a freak.  He'll be fine. He has Mary now, a somewhat unusual wife if we mention her past, but a wife after all. A daughter, Rosie. A steady job, a house and several friends.


Everything I can never have and I don't want to have, he already has.


He's a very nice friend, a great man and a lovely husband.


Yeah, he'll be fine.


I wanted to die anyway.


But I never expected to be actually surprised.


Mary died saving my life.


And I cursed myself, again all my fault. Once again I made John suffer.


I just wanted to die.


But now my life wasn't just mine, it was Mary's too.