here's to the infinite possible ways to love you
i want you to have it all
The open window exposes Gonzalo to the cold autumn night as he sits curled into himself waiting for his lover to come home. He shivers slightly, but the nipping of the wind keeps him alert and awake so that he can expect whenever his lover will stumble on his way back home, absolutely exhausted from serving in the guard all day. The warmth of his own breath ghosting over his exposed hands heats them momentarily, breaking even with the chilliness.
Gonzalo gazes a sad, almost longing, gaze out in the streets where tired men and women are retiring to their homes, to their families where they belong. Although Gonzalo is currently missing his human warmth radiator it's moments like these, where he picks himself up and away from the window to lie on the vast thread count sheet that he thinks; it's when he's alone to truly drown himself luxury, (drown rather than float because somedays, Gonzalo just feels like he's constantly falling and slipping further and further.) that he truly stops to ponder his prosperities.
Magda Ellenstien is his best friend. The title itself is a treat, as she's a quickly rising through popularity ranks both noble and common, but that's not what Gonzalo most loves about her.
(Yes, he loves her. He loves her differently than his love, his lover, but it's an intense affection all the same. Constantly, there's a surge of a need to protect or shield her, although it's apparent she's strong enough to hold her own ground. There's nothing fragile about Magda, but he wants to coddle her all the same. She seems to feel the same compulsion as she always frets and flees to his manor to report on whatever information she digs up to him first, free of charge. Gonzalo has heard from somewhere that when you turn away from a loved one leaving, or if you leave a loved one, you instinctively turn around to check one more time to ensure their safety. He has found that often his eyes meet up with Magda's sparkling blue ones even after they've gone their separate ways. In the crowd of people, he'd lock eyes with her mirthful eyes, sparkling with liveliness and teasing remarks. She calls him a fretting mother hen.)
Gonzalo admires her strength and her kindhearted tendencies, but also her stubborn will that keeps her up in the face of adversity. She's kind, but not stupid. She's sharp but not abrasive. Not all of it is her bred training or expertise, most of it is her inner moral scales that set the balance for an almost perfect individual. They understand each other, their woes and sorrows, despite starting from different origins and growing up in different settings. Between the two of them, it's wordless conversations and inside jokes that pull them closer to each other than anybody else. It's the corners of the room that still seem to hold all the attention in the room despite only being occupied by two individuals who do nothing more than interact the way they naturally do with each other. It's rebuffing scandals and redirecting terrible gossip to uphold reputations and out of personal loyalties. Gonzalo would burn at the stake for Magda, and she would do the same.
At some point during his reminiscing, Gonzalo had migrated over to the large dining hall where small biscuits sat, lying around. Sometimes, not always. Gonzalo develops cravings while waiting for him to come home. He doesn't eat every midnight though, as he often doesn't get this far to stay awake. Today is probably either a very lucky or unlucky day. That's only half the reason though. More primarily, the biscuits are left out for those who do not have a place to stay overnight and are forced to break into a noble's house to survive. Perhaps this is only conditioning them to falsely believe that the Jorcastles would stand by them in any circumstance just because they are needy and poor. But his lover insisted and for as long as Gonzalo has known his partner, the intentions are always so goodhearted, so Gonzalo complies.
Gonzalo has never once experienced the gnawing pains of hunger that scrape and wreak the body. He's never felt the aching rumbles or the sharp stabbing pains that cause people to fall in the streets. He has never known it, and he never will, so Gonzalo doesn't fear hunger. This mindset doesn't stop him from scooping up the weary, bone-thin children and nursing them back to semi-health before setting them off with a few coins and a basket of food. Perhaps it's terrifying for them initially, as Gonzalo would rather not news spread about the Jorcastle who is weakwilled and easy to exploit, so he swathes himself in fabrics of all colors, hiding his identity under a mountain of clothes.
He remembers the first child vividly. He's not sure what first compelled him with a need to rescue the kid, but he ended up bringing her home anyway. It is only afterward, when the little girl has grown healthier, the festering infections healing, that he realizes why. She stumbles around in the spare room before turning to him grinning, her gray eyes with the faintest of red-blue undertones and her hair akin to dirty blonde that Gonzalo's breath catches. He must miss his love too much. It shocks him, scares him, how much he still wants to take care of this little girl. And all just because she resembles his love with a startling similarity. It would be so easy, as the girl had no parents, for him to just adopt and pretend as if this is their kid together. It is this want and greediness that forces him to let go. He lets her part with everything she wants and the name of two slum residents who act like parents to the kids.
(Recently, Gonzalo's mail has been flooded with complaints from Black Glove and Shana about the influx of kids who speak with shining eyes about a man covered in cloth who sends them to the Tavern slums. Dearest Gonzalo, please stop sending every single kid on the street to our one home. Adopt one of your own, you arrogant, weak-hearted, rich kid. Every time Gonzalo dutifully replies with a single heart drawn out delicately on the card before paying for all the necessary delivery. Sometimes it prompts a visit in person, where Gonzalo spends a good half hour pleading his case that he doesn't purposely rile them up because he's a bored housewife. The next few hours are filled with idle talk about the city, and perhaps Gonzalo really is a bored housewife because he enjoys these periods of time where he has something to fill up the spaces much more than he thinks he should. Although Gonzalo's partner is worryingly busy, Gonzalo has none such requirements and picks up many hobbies. Currently, it's gardening.)
Gonzalo likes children, he'd love one of his own sometime in the future. However, he has long accepted the fact that he will never have one of his own biological with his love, with his lover. This surprises newer people, and every time Gonzalo breezes over the subject quickly right at the start. He liked men. If they couldn't understand that, then he didn't need them in his life. It helped narrow down significantly those who just wanted a title of "friends with a Jorcastle" or those who sincerely wanted to start a friendly relationship with him. With how quickly some nobles back away upon hearing that he likes boys stings a slightly, as if love is a contagious disease that they're all too terrified of catching.
They tell Gonzalo that it's not right, that there's something wrong with him. That clearly, two men are not meant to be together because there's no way to reproduce. And if you strip down humans to the barest that they are, their purpose is to reproduce. If he can't even do that, then he fails as not only a human being but as an alive organism. They're wrong because Gonzalo is lead by the beating of his chest and what it tells him is right
Despite the words of others, Gonzalo finds himself lucky that there is a circle of friends that he trusts. One of which is the churches themselves, Cleric Pan often offering words of advice and divinations from the goddess. For every person who takes it upon themselves to blatantly and publically display their disapproval, Gonzalo finds himself protected and defended. He's allowed to love whoever he wishes, allowed to let his heart run rampantly free. His love, no, Alan is the embodiment of everything good in this world.
Alan is the loveliest, Gonzalo finds himself thinking often. My dearest love, who rushes into battle blindly for citizens who don't even care for him. Alan's large, noble, aching heart lies in front of a council of nobles and residents daily, subjecting itself to dangers and heartbreaks for the sake that others don't feel it. Gonzalo supposes his blind compassion is what fueled his own softening of the heart. Alan's eager and shining grey-blue eyes reflect all the hopes and dreams he protects, that he stands for. A boy full of dreams kissed with the sun and the stars is what he is. If Magda is a star pulling others into her orbit, Alan is the universe who protects all.
When his lover comes home, he spies Gonzalo on the dining table seat dozed out. He's worn out and tired, and wants nothing more than to just cuddle up with Gonzalo in the comfort of their own bed. He scoops up Gonzalo, cracking a smile, as he gently sets Gonzalo down and tucks him in. He kisses him on the forehead and goes to clean up before he joins Gonzalo in their bed.
When morning comes and the sun blinks awake at them, Gonzalo rises. He's facing towards the window and gets an eyeful of undeterred sunlight. When he rolls over to face his lover, he smiles bitterly. Beautiful. This man is beautiful with his tanned caramel skin, a splash of freckles and soft black hair to run his hand through. But, this isn't Alan. His lover's eyes slowly open awake, and Gonzalo quickly pastes a smile on his face. "Good morning, Gonzalo. You were waiting for me last night?"
"Good morning, Alexander. What time did you come back?"
and i'm still waking every morning, but it's not with you
Gonzalo has it all, he has everything. Everything but his Alan. Not his, as Alan doesn't belong to him. He doesn't have Alan.