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doesnt break the surface

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He looked at the clock again. Maybe for the fourth time in the past couple of minutes. It was nearly 2:AM and there was no way he could sleep.

He looked around the dark room in his apartment and felt it closing in on him, choking him. He couldn't breathe. Well, that was a lie. He could breathe just fine. He was getting air in and out of his lungs and he was still alive, but his throat felt tight and constricted. He felt panic rise inside of him, but not a muscle moved. He stared into the blackness, completely still except for the soft rising and falling of his chest.

He felt like he was burning up, his blood twitching and flowing in directions it wasn't supposed to. He felt an angry, parasitic anxiety infect his body, rearranging his organs and poking them around. It laughed at him as it toyed with his inner being. He saw flashes of scribbles shooting around inside his mind. A raging chaos, unsatiated and ever growing as the hours ticked by. Yet, at the same time as all this turmoil unfolded within him, he was calm.

He did not move, yell, or show any signs of the little hands that tore down his walls and fucked with his head. He felt... Annoyed. And yet completely calm. He did not want to deal with all the thoughts flooding back to him. He had put his best friend through so much misery all those years back. He went to therapy, he got better, he got a job and found a purpose again. So why was this happening to him? Why was he thinking all this again? Why was he awake so early in the morning dreading work the next day? His office job was cushy and it wasn't half bad. Security work didn't compare to being on the force, but for now, he didn't mind.

He had grown suspicious of his thoughts lately. He could tell it was all coming back for a while now. He said nothing to anyone in fear of being a burden. He wouldn't tell Dig Dug. He had already put him so much after he was let go from the force. He owed Dug more than he could ever hope to repay him.

Goro's breakdown last week left him worried and tired. He hadn't expected his boss to have so many issues going on in his personal life. For someone who knew Goro for almost nine years, he sure hadn't known a lot about him. He hadn't truly realized how much Goro really depended on him until that day... He couldn't tell Goro he was feeling this way again. That would be too much.

How long had he been laying there? What time was it? He checked the clock, the loud sound of his head brushing against his pillow invading his ears. He couldn't register the numbers on the clock. It was just a bright red within the vast darkness surrounding him. Maybe he could finally get some sleep. He would wake up again in a few hours, but then he would have to get up. He would have to go to work. He needed to feel productive. And so he let himself drift off finally, wanting so badly to see the sun up, to see the office park, to see Dig Dug's smile and walk to the burger place down the street with him. He would talk to his boss, ask him if he was alright. Maybe he would call a therapist. Maybe things would be okay. They weren't tonight, but he started to forget about that. He let himself sleep.