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wish you were straight

Summary:

The only thing Louis can remember about the conversation they had a few months ago is the most iconic phrase he's ever said in his life. If he weren't feeling so miserable, he'd be laughing non stop about it because that phrase is hilarious. Man, Louis remembers it and lets out a watery sobbing laugh. It's sad, so sad. Louis hears that phrase resonates in his head like if it were a few minutes ago when Louis was pushing him out of the flat, off his life, crying and saying “I wish you were straight, Harry Styles.” And closing that door forever.

At least, that's what he thought. Oh, poor, naive Louis.

Or a story about ups and downs in a toxic relationship where Harry is young and lovely, but he's experiencing, deciding what he likes and who he likes; while Louis is also lovely and sassy, but he's sure of who he is and definitely sure of who he likes.

Notes:

Pleeeease, give it a chance! I might be shitty at summaries, but I really like the idea of this fic so much. I've always thought about writing but never had the balls to do it. Actually not, the thing is I never found something to write about, but once I listened "wish you were gay" by Billie Eilish, I knew it. So please, I'm begging you. Give my baby a chance.
Also, it would be great if you let me know whether you like it or not, so I know if I continue or stop writing.

Btw, I'm Mexican so if you notice any mistake of any, kind let me know so I can improve it :)

Thank youuuuuu!

(As a disclaimer, because why not? I do not own any of the songs referenced in this book. I do not own One Direction nor anyone mentioned in this work.)

Chapter 1: the beginning of the end

Chapter Text

 

2016 - December

Louis never thought that at the age of 24, almost 25, he would be lying on his living room floor. Alone. No one around to hear him crying. No one around to see him falling down, apart and into pieces. God, Louis wishes he'd never met him. Who'd have imagined someone so beautiful, pure and lovely would make him feel so loved yet devastated? Certainly, Louis wouldn't. Honest to God, Louis had thought he was the love of his life. Louis had thought he himself was enough for that beautiful boy. But hey, life is shit, right? Life's a bitch that gives you the most amazing things you've only dreamed about, and then that bitch takes them away from you without a warning.

Louis never thought he would be one of those who collapse into pieces for someone. However, apparently he knows nothing about anything now.

“This is all your fault, you idiot,” Louis says to himself, “He told you. He warned you about it and you agreed, you stupid. Louis, seriously, stop crying. You don't deserve this, you deserve better. You deserve to be happy with a man who loves you just as much as you love him,” he continues between sobs.

Louis couldn't stop blaming himself about it. He was too pushy, too dependent, too needy when he was with that lovely boy. He know he was. But it wasn't his fault falling in love with the perfect man. Because God know that boy is perfect for him. For anyone, really. When Louis was with him, he felt so loved, so special, he was himself. Now, he's no one to recognize. He's a new person, so different… so lonely.

“Stop doing this, Louis. My goodness,” he says while wiping his tears with the sleeve of his hoodie.

He stands up slowly. Once he's standing, he looks down and sees his laptop, journal, pen and guitar. He doesn't even bother taking them from the floor. He just go to the bathroom, undress himself and stands under the running water. The water is too hot to burn his skin but Louis doesn't even flinch because he doesn't pay attention. After a breakdown, he's always like this. He acts in autopilot.

Commonly, breakdowns happen whenever he's  trying to work. So, he can work no more because if he works, he remembers and that hurts like hell. He can't write about happiness or love because he starts feeling miserable. However, he definitely can not write about sadness, broken hearts  or break ups because he starts feeling miserable too. So, Louis is fucked. He is so fucked up, he can't function anymore.

When Louis thinks he's cleaned enough the tears from his face and the sad thoughts from his head, mostly when he thinks can cry no more, he walks off the shower. He dries his body with a towel, trashes it to the laundry and then puts clean underwear on. He walks into his bedroom directly to his closet to get some clean and warms clothes, when he sees it and feels how his bottom lip starts shaking. He can't help it, he takes it. He takes that hoodie and puts it on. Immediately feeling warm and safe, like nothing bad could happen to him because he's wearing it.

He feels exhausted. He climbs to bed, goes under the duvet and reaches his phone that is charging on the bedside table. He unlocks it and sees a text from Liam and a missed call from his mom. He locks it again, closes his eyes and cries until he finally falls asleep.

2015 - New Year's Eve

It's loud. The music penetrates Louis’ ears once he opens the door. The light is off but there are some lasers lights. Green, yellow, pink, blue, red. Green, blue. Green, blue. Green, blue. And then all five colors again like an explosion. And the only thing he can think about is how the hell the person who lives in here put some laser light inside their flat. It’s insane.

Once he’s used to the noise, the lights and the crowd, goes to the table where the alcohol is, grabs a beer and takes a sip of it. He swallows it and it doesn’t taste bad but it’s not good either. Louis starts scanning around the flat, observing drunk people acting all drunk and fun. He is looking for his friend. “Where the fuck is he?,” Louis whispers.

Suddenly, someone hugs Louis from behind making him turn around and push the person making them laugh. “Louis, I can't believe you're here!,” says Liam in a very joyful way with a drink in his hand, “Man, you're always too busy to go out with me,” Liam continues pouting a little, clearly a little drunk. And for God's sake, it's only 9 pm. This is so funny, Louis kind of wants to see how drunk Liam is going to be at midnight. He smirks. He really can’t wait.

“Liam, it’s was just one time. Months ago, you dumb. And it was because I had that important meeting first time the next morning,” Louis says to a laughing Liam, “Also you act like if we didn’t see each other last week or the week before or the week before after that,” Louis continue rolling his eyes.

Liam takes a sip of his drink and says “Whatever, Lou. I just love you so much and I want to start 2016 with my very best friend!,” he starts jumping a little trying to hold back his excitement.

“And your boyfriend, right? I don’t think he’d be very pleased when you tell him you want to start the new year with me, right? We would be the only threesome in the room hugging each other while wishing them a happy new year. We are a weird couple, aren’t we?,” Louis says and then laughs, “Speaking of it, where is he?”

Liam opens his eyes wide and says “Shit, I forgot I had to wait for him outside the bathroom”, he walks to the bathroom and looks for his boyfriend, while Louis follows him. “But then I saw you, laughed a little because you look so small and cute in that large sized hoodie, and ran to you to give you a hug, you know? And I forgot about Zayn,” Liam keep walking but starts laughing again. “Oh Lord, I think I’m a little drunk.”

“You think so, mate? I think is perfectly normal to forget your so beloved boyfriend in the bathroom. It happens to me all the time,” Louis, who is walking behind Liam, says in a serious tone but a playful smirk appears in his lips.

Suddenly, Liam turns around which makes Louis runs into him. “Wait. WHAT ? You have a boyfriend and didn’t tell me? Louis, I thought you loved me. I thought we were friends ,” Liam says surprised and as soon as he stops talking, starts laughing so hard, “Oh my, I really think I’m drunk. For a second, I thought you were serious about the boyfriend thing, Lou.” Liam turns around and continues looking for Zayn.

Louis laughs and keep walking behind Liam, but then stops laughing. Does this fucker not think he can get a boyfriend? So he says “What’s so funny about “the boyfriend thing”, Liam ? You don’t think I’m handsome enough to get a boyfriend? Should I remember you I’m beautiful, funny, lovely and per-fect ?, while walking behind him.

Liam stops again and grabs Louis’ shoulders. “God, no, Louis! I know you are all that and more. Trust me, I know,. It’s just… you would have told me about it, right? We are so close. We are family. That’s it,” Liam says hugging him. “THERE YOU ARE,” Liam literally yells in Louis ear and stars walking in, Louis assume, Zayn’s direction.

“You left, fucker,” Zayn says but gives him a peck on his lips.

“I am so sorry. But, HEY I found Lou! See?,” Liam says while placing Louis in front of Zayn so he could see him. Liam’s drunk.

Zayn laughs and hugs Louis while saying “Yeah, babe, I see” to Liam.

Once they break the hug, Louis ask him “How much has he drank, Zayn? He’s so… weird, already,” and gives Zayn a look.

“I know, I know, but he’s happy. Let him be happy today and suffer tomorrow with and horrendous hangover,” Zayn say.

Louis shrugs and says “Okay, up to you, mate. He’s all yours.”

Liam just looks between them like if they were playing tennis.

“So whose this party?,” Louis asks because he really forgot what Liam and Zayn said when they invited him a week ago.

Zayn rolls his eyes and says, “Already told you like 7 days ago.”

“Already forgot like 6 days ago,” says Louis with a sarcastic smile.

In that moment, Liam laughs and tries to make Louis remember, “Lou, we told you about Niall, right? He works with Zayn at the art gallery, remember? We told you he was throwing a party and that he’s Irish so he throws amazing parties with lots of fun and alcohol. Remember now?”

“I’m not stupid, Liam, you don’t have to talk to me like if I were a kid,” Louis snorts with anger, “God,” continues pretending indignation, but then smiles making Liam laugh.

“Lou, don’t play with me while I’m this intoxicated by an Irish guy who makes the strongest drinks ever. I swear to God, those drinks have lots of alcohol,” Liam pleads.

Zayn hugs him and says to him, “Babe, I think we should stop drinking, yeah? Just until you feel better,” and then turns to Louis “But you, little lad,”

Louis interrupts him, “Fuck you, that was unnecessary”.

Zayn snorts with laugher, “... can go and have a drink. You see the blond guy? He’s Niall and is waiting for you. I’ve talked about you so much that he’s so excited to meet you.”

But when Louis turns around and tries to find the blond guy, the only person that catches his eyes is that lanky lad with curls and beautiful smile. He’s wearing black jeans and a black floral shirt with pink flowers and it looks so good on him. Louis stops himself from imagining him without it and on his bed.

While Louis can’t take his eyes off that beautiful guy, Zayn can’t help but mentions, “Lou, please don’t. Harry is lovely, but please don’t. He is… an amazing friend, really. But he’s not settled yet. Lou, are you listening?”

The only thing Louis lets out is, “Harry, you said?,” and leaves Zayn and Liam behind.

Louis never does these things. He never feels this way for anyone. So, there must be something special about this lad for him to be this interested. He feels so confident but when he starts approaching the lad, he begins feeling more and more insecure, all kind of questions and doubts flying inside his head. What am I going to tell him? Would he even answer me if I talk to him? He’s so pretty, why the fuck would he talk to me? Oh my god, he’s talking to a girl, he’s straight. He starts feeling nervous and decides to turn around and go to Liam and Zayn. I’m so fucked , is what he whispers because it’s too late. Louis is standing in front of him. Goddamnit, the only thing Louis can see are his hands because he is looking down. And they seem so strong, long fingers, tattoos and rings. Fuck . Louis can feel a stare that is burning him so he lifts his head up, and when he does, he sees the most breathtaking green eyes he’s ever seen.

 I really am so fucked , Louis decides when he sees Harry smiling widely at him, dimples showed and all.