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What is home?

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What is home? The homeworld of your own species? A country of your own people? A house filled with all kinds of memories? For Namyra Shepard home was with her loved ones. The ones she cared for, the ones she trusted. Her family, her friends and her crew. Normandy was her home, not because she spent most of her time there, not because she had her own room with her own bed but because of the people around her. However, Normandy was gone now just as her old life. She was a new person now. A person everyone has forgotten. Cerberus tried to give her, her home back, the Normandy. Her Normandy. Little did he know its not the ship that made her feel like home.

Sitting down next to her own desk in the commander’s quarters, Namyra drew a deep breath. It's been two years since she last saw her crew. For her, it has only been a few weeks. A few long weeks trying to figure out how to deal with her new life. How to continue living the way she used to. Namyra knew it wasn’t possible. She wasn’t with the Alliance anymore, she wasn’t the person she used to be anymore. Working with Cerberus is going to complicate things even more, how will she ever explain her reasons to her friends if she will ever meet them again. And will they ever understand?

This wasn’t the only thing that bothered her the most at the moment. Namyra has never been in a relationship, she never had a boyfriend she could come back home to. She never believed in these kinds of things. A soldier didn’t need a distraction, however, it didn’t mean she was never with a man before. For Namyra it was always just a one-night stand. Nothing more, nothing less. However, everything changed once she became commander of the Normandy. One special Lieutenant changed everything. Changed her. She remembers how she used to ignore him, try to get him out of her mind. But somehow, he always managed to be the first thing she thinks in the morning and the last one before she falls asleep. She fell for him. For the first time in her whole life did she fall for someone, and that someone was Kaidan Alenko. A sad smile crossed her lips at the memories she shared with him.

She can still remember the night after Ashley’s death. She was always stress-eating and that night she was starving. She made her way towards the kitchen and saw him there sitting in one of the chairs reading through his datapad. It was barely a few hours after their little fight where he asked her to explain why she chose him instead of Ashley. There were quite a number of reasons, but one of them was the fact that she couldn’t let him go. And that’s what she told him. Because I can’t lose you, Lieutenant. That’s why!!! Not waiting for a response, Namyra stormed off leaving him to stand there alone. And seeing him there in the kitchen sitting so calmly she didn’t want to disturb him, or even talk about what she said earlier. She remembers how she slowly turned around sneaking out towards the elevator, but his voice stopped her in her tracks. Don’t go. Two simple words that made her feel so safe and reassured. She remembers how she turned back towards him, his eyes boring into hers, the way she sat next to him grabbing one of the biscuits that were in the plate next to him. The way he smiled at her grabbing the biscuit and placing it back on the plate and held both of her hands firmly in his. I’m sorry for what happened. You shouldn’t have to choose who lives and who dies. I know how close you and Ashley were. No one could replace her. We will always remember her. The way he squeezed her hands in his and then brought it up to his lips landing soft kisses on each of them. This was when she knew that there was no way back, this was the night when she found herself completely under his spell. Completely his.

However, this is just a memory, something that happened a long time ago, perhaps he doesn’t even remember this now. Or the night before Ilos. But she did and therefore she was ready to record herself. To let him know she still exists. She is still completely his. A blueish screen appeared in front of her once she wrote in her password. Pressing the bottom to record she drew another deep breath and raised her eyes towards the screen.

There is no perfect or even good way to start this video, therefore, I’ll just start it with two simple words. Hello, Kaidan. I can’t imagine how you feel right now, receiving this video from a private channel. Seeing a person that you thought was dead for two years. I’m afraid I can’t send it through my original account. It’s frozen. Perhaps because I was dead for quite the time now. No matter. I’m back, Kaidan. I’m alive and safe and I just wanted you to know. I know this sounds crazy but… after all these two years I’m actually back.

Another shaky breath left her lips.

Don’t get this wrong, I died, or I was as close to the death as it is possible. That day at Normandy… I can still remember it as if it happened just a few days ago. When I pushed Jeff into the capsule, I couldn’t save myself. I felt as the ship broke into hundreds of pieces and I was pulled away from the emergency capsules. And then I just flew. Flew away from the Normandy, or what was left of it…

She closed her eyes scratching her neck in a nervous manner.

I felt the air leaving my lungs, my heart slowly stopping, I knew this was it but here I am. Two years later, sitting in front of a screen, recording this stupid video. I know you won’t like this but. I am working with Cerberus now. He was the one who gave me a second chance. Brought me back to life again. That would explain this thing here.

With her finger, she touched the long scar running over her right eye.

I actually have quite a number of those.

A chuckle left her lips.

But that’s not why I’m sending you this video. I know its been two years, hell you probably have moved on already. You may even have a wife, a child. I don’t know that but for me, it only has been a few weeks. All these two years I was unconscious. While some Cerberus scientists were rebuilding me. Putting all the pieces back together. This is why I didn’t reach out sooner, even though I wish I could have.

She looked down, trying to hide the pain that was clearly all over her face.

What I’m trying to say here is that I… I missed you, Kaidan. And even though it feels like I’ve seen you only a few weeks ago, I still miss you like crazy. You mean so much for me. You can’t even imagine. That night before Ilos… I never felt anything like it before. I know I always tried to hide how I felt about you, but I think it’s time for you to know this. Kaidan Alenko, I fucking love you. I don’t know how you feel… felt about me two years ago and I’m not trying to ruin the life you have build yourself after I died, but I just had to say this. Who knows maybe I’ll die again, and this time there won’t be Cerberus to bring me back.

She laughed sadly towards the camera.

My mother once told me, one day, whether you are 14, 28 or 65, you will stumble upon someone who will start a fire in you that cannot die. However, the saddest, most awful truth you will ever come to find, is that they are not always with whom we spend our lives. I just hoped this won’t be the case with you, Kaidan. I actually still do.

A single tear ran down her cheek, which she quickly wiped away not wanting for him to see her like this.

You won’t be able to answer to this message, I’m not allowed to communicate with anyone in the Alliance yet, however, I just wanted you to know this. Stay safe, Kaidan.

I’ll see you soon, hopefully.

Commander Namyra Shepard, signing off.