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luther die challenge

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Klaus created the CHAT!

Klaus added Allison, Ben, Luther and Diego to the CHAT!

 

Klaus: guys what the actual FUCK are vanya and fives names on this

Ben: give me admins u pissbaby

Klaus: what the fuck

 

Klaus gave Ben admin controls!

 

Ben added I wanna be a cowboy babey and I thot u were American to the CHAT!

 

Klaus: KJDSHGYDUHDIJ 

I wanna be a cowboy babey: oh?

I thot u were American: oh?

Allison: theyre in sync...

I wanna be a cowboy babey: hello vanya 😌

Klaus: MF HWIEHDUSJI FIVE WHY IS THAT UR NAME

I thot u were American: hello five u beautiful bastard

Diego: they are a bastard

I wanna be a cowboy babey: shut up idiot ur mother buys u mega blocks instead of legos

Diego: ...

Klaus: NJSHDYGHUSJI VANYA WHAT DID U DOHDU

I thot u were American: I did what I was destined to do

Allison: how do u change names

 

Klaus set Allison's name as ally

 

Klaus: like that

Diego: what

 

Ben set Diego's name as sasuke

 

sasuke: MDFGYHUSJI NO WHY WOULD U SAY THATDSYUIJ

Ben: u literally kin him stfu 

sasuke: nO I DONT BEN STOP LYINH

sasuke: Klaus give me admins

 

Klaus set their own name as santa Klaus

 

santa Klaus: it isnt Christmas so that would be illegal

sasuke: we have literally never celebrated Christmas

santa Klaus: what is Your Point

sasuke: give me fucking admins 

I wanna be a cowboy babey: NO give ME admisn

 

santa Klaus gave I wanna be a cowboy babey admins!

 

sasuke: WHAT THE FUCK

 

I wanna be a cowboy babey set Ben's name as hentaihaven.com

 

hentaihaven.com: FUCK OFF LITERALLY WHAT HAVE I EVER DONE TO YOU FIVE

I wanna be a cowboy babey: shrug emoji

sasuke: did you just type out shrug emoji

I wanna be a cowboy babey: shrug emoji

sasuke: ok

ally: rip hentaihaven.com u will always be the superior hentai site

santa Klaus: SJBDUHSIJ

Luther: W hat is hentai?

I thot u were American: rip hentaihaven.com forever in our hearts </3

hentaihaven.com: as it turns out I can only trust sasuke and five

sasuke: hentaihaven.com I want u back so bad babe God Bles

hentaihaven.com: die

santa Klaus: I cant believe ben fucking killed sasuke

hentaihaven.com: come on five we have places to be

sasuke: they are literally the one who gave u that name...

hentaihaven.com: ur dead sasuke.

I wanna be a cowboy babey: hentaihaven.com is what got me thru the apocalypse

ally: DJKHVGYSHUJI STOP CALLING UR CHOIR GROUP THE APOCALYPSE

Luther: Five, what is hentai?

 

I wanna be a cowboy babey set Luther's name as fucking loser

 

fucking loser: ???Five???

I wanna be a cowboy babey: GOD STOP FUCKING TALKING TO ME 

fucking loser: Why? What did I do?

I thot u were American: oop he even types like a het

I wanna be a cowboy babey: I am going to kill you, luther.

ally: SKS SJSKSK no five no u aren't 

I wanna be a cowboy babey: wanna bet?

sasuke: no...five do it

ally: dIEGO

I wanna be a cowboy babey: diego is the only one here with rights

santa Klaus: HLLO???

I wanna be a cowboy babey: u get rights on certain days.

hentaihaven.com: MF

I wanna be a cowboy babey: 🤬🤬 

i wanna be a cowboy babey: bitch u KNOW u have rights u have more rights then me and i literally mugged luthers and booked it

i thot u were American: what the fuck is up kyle

i wanna be cowboy babey: NOW U DEFINITELY DONT HAVE RIGHTS

santa Klaus: FIVE DONT BE MEAN

i wanna be a cowboy babey: but u have more than luther so ur chill

i wanna be a cowboy babey: we dont want luther

i thot u were American: omg thank u for this blessing u stupid fuck

i wanna be a cowboy babey: actually no u aint chill but u know what i mean

i thot u were American: fuck you

santa Klaus: is anybody else fucking confused rn

i thot u were American: five u shit

i wanna be a cowboy babey: die

hentaihaven.com: no im out of the loop too

fucking loser: Five!!! I am VERY cross with you!!!

i wanna be a cowboy babey: u fr?

fucking loser: YES!!!!! I am contacting our father, who is a lawyer!

i wanna be a cowboy babey: lets do it bitch i know the law

i thot u were American: KOSJDIYGHSJAPDKO

 

santa Klaus set i wanna be a cowboy babey's name as i know the law

 

fucking loser: You just told Vanya to die!!

hentaihaven.com: as if u care

ally: LUTHERHUFDIJ ITS A JOKE

i know the law: u r so fucking BRAINDEAD i am...SEETHING

santa Klaus: I CANT FUCKIGN BREATHEGF

hentaihaven.com: HES WHEEZINGFDHI

fucking loser: BEN! HELP HIM!

ally: JSDHGUHSJ FUCK

fucking loser: WHAT IS WRONG?

hentaihaven.com: SHITHFDUIJ SHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUP PLEATHE

i know the law: luther, i am going to obliterate. i am going to turn you into fucking dust, you good for nothing shithead. i am going to thanos snap you. i am going to fucking kill you. you are going to die.

hentaihaven.com: FIVE PKEASJEHIDJIJFD

i know the law: you have seven days, luther. then, i will fucking rip you to shreds. i have never felt so much rage flow through my veins. i am physically leaking anger. its coming out of my eyes like lava.

ally: thats...are u crying rn or sumn

i know the law: out of anger, yes.

santa Klaus: LMAOOOO FIVE CRIES WHEN THEYRE ANGRY

i know the law: fuck right off

fucking loser: Five, do you actually hate me?

ally: no they dont

i know the law: yes

i know the law: yes i honestly do

i know the law: i hate you more than the apocalypse and thats really saying something, you overgrown toe.

fucking loser: :(

i know the law: good. cry.

hentaihaven.com: KSKSKSKS

i thot u were American: ur so mean

santa Klaus: and what for? what is the price?

i know the law: the joy of knowing i made luther upset is better than anything else this world could offer.

sasuke: i relate to five on a spiritual level

 

i know the law: i hate the hargreeves

sasuke: MF WHAT

i know the law: positives of being a Hargreeves: im rich

i know the law: negatives are: im rich, luther

hentaihaven.com: well the negatives do outweigh the positives

i thot u were American: thats fair

sasuke: mf ur acting like luther is ur only sibling

santa Klaus: id hope luther thought that too

ally: oh my GOD do not bring this up again.

fucking loser: Allison is very cool, can you all stop slamming my appreciation for her?

i know the law: shut up idiot

ally: luther im gay

fucking loser: Gay? Happy? You're happy to be talking to me?

ally: ive changed my mind

santa Klaus: what

ally: five. kill him.

santa Klaus: U GAVE ME A HEART ATTACKSHSDUIJ

ally: mf dont ever presume again

hentaihaven.com: kill luther!

santa Klaus: kill luther!

ally: kill luther!

i thot u were American; kill luther!

sasuke: kill luther!

i know the law: im trying.

 

i know the law has kicked fucking loser out of the CHAT!

 

ally: good. u fr.

i know the law: ofc im fr who u think i am

i thot u were American: wait dont actually kill him

i thot u were American: murder = bad

i know the law: out of all the people that could be saying that to me, ur the one least qualified

i thot u were American:....

i thot u were American: ok u can kill him

sasuke: DSJDJSDSKJ

hentaihaven.com: we aren't actually killing him. unfortunately.

santa Klaus: stop ruining our fun ben

sasuke: we want him Gone.

i know the law: ben you cant stop me

hentaihaven.com: yes i can

i know the law: how

hentaihaven.com:....ill kill you first

i know the law: LMAOSJUDHUHFSIJAOSJ OK BRODJIJSSKO

hentaihaven.com: die

i know the law: JHSKHLJFDHKSHDAJSJHSK GOD THIS IS SO FUNYTBYHRUFDIJ IM LAUGJGIHNG

hentaihaven.com: I COULD IF I TRIED SHUT UP

i know the law: HAHAHAHSDGGUHIJAK

ally: FIVESTISODHUIJS

santa Klaus: five r u ok

sasuke: i went to check on them and theyre actually crying

sasuke: like on the ground, clutching their stomach, crying, gasping for air, no sound...

hentaihaven.com: WHY THE FUCK ARE THEY FINDING THIS SO FUNNT I FUCKING THREATENED THEM

santa Klaus: SKJHBDVUHSIJ BEN I WANNA SEE THIS COME WITH ME

hentaihaven.com: fine

ally: are they even still alive

sasuke: FUCKING BARELY

santa Klaus: HVSUIJDF MF THREW THEIR PHONE ACROSS THE FLOOR LAUGHIGNUSIJ

hentaihaven.com: ITS NOT FUCKING FUNNY

i thot u were American: eyem-

sasuke: theyre calming down

santa Klaus: WHEHEHEHEHE

hentaihaven.com: i hate this family

i know the law:...this is ben

 

i know the law sent a picture: 

 

i know the law left the CHAT!

 

hentaihaven.com: THEYRE NOT FUNNT FUCKCJHXU

santa Klaus: LANSHBDYHUSJI

I thot u were American: our littlest sibling is a fucking crackhead

 

santa Klaus added i know the law to the CHAT!

i know the law added fucking loser to the CHAT!

 

santa Klaus: NO

 

i know the law left the CHAT!

 

santa Klaus: MOTHERTRUCKERSJIFDOKSDF

fucking loser: What?

hentaihaven.com: I FUCKING HATE THEMDBUSJI

ally: I CANTGEUSIOK

fucking loser: Why are you laughing? What are you laughing at?

sasuke: five bc theyre funny

 

santa Klaus added i know the law to the CHAT!

 

i know the law: stop im trying toc alm down

fucking loser: Hello, Five.

 

i know the law sent a picture: 

 

 

 

 

Chapter Text

ally: how are you homosexuals doing today

hentaihaven.com: five lost the braincell

I know the law: snitch

ally: what the fuck did you do

I know the law: I hung an apple to the ceiling fan and it flew off and hit the wall and it exploded

santa Klaus: KJSAHDFHUSJI why did u do that

I know the law: do I need a reason?

santa Klaus: uhh I guess not?

I know the law:....

I know the law: Allison do we have any other fruits I could explode please

ally: banana

I know the law: I cant fucking EXPLODE that???????? bananas are soft as shit and I fucking hate them GOD theyre so useless theyre only good for smoothies mf get that shit AWAY never speak to me again im genuinely devastated

I thot u were American: ur so dramatic

ally: BSHDJKSMDN

hentaihaven.com: SBKJBDSDLLSDNDJN

santa Klaus: theres a melon but I dont think it would work with a ceiling fan. too heavy

I know the law: bring it up.

sasuke: what

I know the law: u heard me

hentaihaven.com: MF TOO HEAVY CAN U NOT READ TOO FUCKING HEAVY

I know the law: SHUTUP I SAID BRING ME THE FUCKING MELON!!!! IS2G UR ALL USELESS

I thot u were American: ok mf chill

santa Klaus: THEY HAVE A FUCKINGYGDUH INDUSTRIAL CHAIN

sasuke: THATS WAY TOO MUCH WEIGHT FIVE STOP IT

I know the law: I stop when im died

sasuke: SDKJHDBHSJ KLAUS STOP THEM

santa Klaus: LMAOOOOO NO WAY STOP THEM URSELF

I know the law: 😋😋😋

santa Klaus: DKJSHG ITS SPINNING

hentaihaven.com: IM OMW I NEED TO SEE THIS

ally: LMAOSIU ME TOO7

I thot u were American: OPEN UR FUCKING DOOR

I know the law:  😋 😋 😋

ally: SASUKE TELL THEM THEY WONT OPEN THE DOOR

sasuke: SHUTUPSDU EYEM SO-

sasuke: FIVE OPEN THE DOOR

santa Klaus: they wont open it

hentaihaven.com: WHY NOT

santa Klaus: theyre preoccupied with the melon

hentaihaven.com: U OPEN IT THEN

santa Klaus: sorry its not my room :/

hentaihaven.com: respectful

ally: FUCK RESPECT OPEN THE DOOR

I thot u were American: OPEN IT FUCKERS

sasuke: KLAUS WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT NOISE

santa Klaus: SJHDYUGIHFJA IT BROKEHHFDUJ

sasuke: what the FUCK OPEN THIS DOOR RIGHT FUCKING NOW

santa Klaus: SHDBGFHUS I CANT BREATHE

santa Klaus: IT BROKE AND THE MELON WENT FUCKING EVERYWHEREJF FIVE IS DRENCHED

I know the law: I feel achieved

sasuke: IM GOUNG TO THROTTLE U

santa Klaus: THEYRE EATING TIHFDIJ

I know the law: open it urself 🤬🤬

ally: SKSKSKSK FIVE PLEASE

I thot u were American: five 😔😔

I know the law: shut up clown

sasuke: UR IN SO MUCH TROUBLE

santa Klaus: LMAOOOO CAN U HEAR THAT NOISE SASUKE

sasuke:...

sasuke: is that the wind

santa Klaus: LMAOOOOOOOOO

hentaihaven.com: IM FUCKGIHFDSJ THE 

I know the law: diego buy a new ceiling im sure u can buy one online

santa Klaus: this melon tastes like brick

I thot u were American: I am so sad I didnt get to watch that

I know the law: is diego still having a breakdown

sasuke: YES DO U KNOW HOW MUCH THATS GONNA COST U SHIT

I know the law: whats money when ur lil sib can be happy

sasuke: dont pull that card

ally: oop

sasuke: five dont pull that card

I know the law: ill cry

sasuke: ur a brat I forgive you dont cry

I know the law: thanks dickhead

 

ally: oh fuck

I thot u were American: what 

ally: I broke my heel

sasuke: as in ur bone?

hentaihaven.com: R U OK

santa Klaus: WTF DONT DIE??!!!??!?!?!

I know the law: do I gotta fight

ally: what the fuck no the shoe u idiots

I thot u were American: lesbian: ouchie

I thot u were American: five, ben, Klaus and diego waking up in a cold sweat: somethings wrong

ally: FR FR

 

I thot u were American: I cant believe five is an actual brat....

I thot u were American: aren't u supposed to be like?? the scary and grumpy one

I know the law: .....mf....the fact that im grumpy and scary is what makes me so fucking FUNNY im not a brat u sadist

I thot u were American: how tf am I a sadist

I know the law: calling me a brat is something a meanie would do

ally: a meanie....

hentaihaven.com: u are actually 3 years old

sasuke: fives name matches their age

I know the law: SHTU UP

ally: its true yesterday they slammed their fists against their knees and said 'hes such a meanie'

hentaihaven.com: fr????

I know the law: NO I DIDNT

ally: yes you really did

I know the law: I HATE U STOP

ally: STOP DENYING IT LOSER

ally: JUST ADMIT UR A CHILD

I know the law: nOOO

santa Klaus: its true, theyre a child

I know the law: U CANNOT SPEAK IDIOT

santa Klaus: omg remember that one time u used me as a stepping stool bc ur literally 4'10

I know the law: ILL KILL YOU

fucking loser: They started punching me so I put their phone on top of the highest shelf, they then proceeded to stomp on the floor and scream for Klaus.

santa Klaus: hey I remember that too

ally: THE FACT THAT EVEN LUTHER HAS A STORY

I know the law: STOP EXPOSING ME UR ALL LIARS

sasuke: u literally destroyed ur own room today for just ten minutes of fun

I thot u were American: f

ally: f

santa Klaus: f

sasuke: what

I know the law: that wasn't my room

sasuke: what

sasuke: who...whose was it

hentaihaven.com: five run

I know the law: im no weakling. it was urs diego.

sasuke:

sasuke:

sasuke: WHAT THE FUCK IS UR PROBLEM

I thot u were American: YIKES 

ally: ZOINKS

santa Klaus: LMAOOAJISHBDFJS HOW DID U NOT NOTICE

sasuke: EYE-

sasuke:  BITCH

sasuke: UR PAYING FOR THAT

I know the law: fuck that

sasuke: MF

I know the law: IM A CHILD I CANT PAY FOR S H I T

ally: theyre admitting their a kid

I know the law: stop bringing it back to that

santa Klaus:  witness me

 

santa Klaus set the name of the CHAT as five is a child

 

I know the law: this is why god abandoned us.

 

 

Chapter Text

 

santa klaus: yall r so boring

hentaihaven.com: what

santa klaus: spare nicknames ma’am? 🥺🤲

ally: admins please

santa klaus: omg is allison gonna go stupid go crazy?

ally: we will see. 

 

santa klaus gave ally admin controls!

 

ally: this is how it should be 

 

ally set santa klaus’ name as klaustrophe

 

klaustrophe: hmph

klaustrophe: maybe allison does have rights

hentaihaven.com: wbk

 

ally set hentaihaven.com’s name as bentacles

 

bentacles: THAT WAS ONE FUCKING TIME

bentacles: I WAS TWELVE ALLISON! EVERYONE DOES DUMB SHIT AT TWELVE!

i know the law: i didnt but ok

bentacles: thats because you started making bad decisions at 15

i know the law: i have never made a single bad decision in my life and im honestly offended that you would ever insinuate that. this is slander.

ally: you joined a choir

bentacles: you exploded fruit all over diegos room 

sasuke: u just straight up destroyed my room

klaustrophe: hey guys remember that one time five ate pencil shavings whilst staring diego straight in the eyes when he told them to clean up and nearly died

i thot u were american: u got stuck in a shopping cart once bc u didnt want to walk

fucking loser: Five, do you remember the other day when you thought candle wax was a milkshake?

ally: yeah u really need to sleep more 

i know the law: ok i hear what ur saying and i raise you: luthers alabama complex

i know the law: also, insomnia 

i thot u were american: ALABAMA COMPLEX EHSKDJWD

ally: SKSKSKSSK

klaustrophe: another reason five is entitled to luthers rights

 

ally set fucking loser’s name as alabama complex

ally set i thot u were american’s name as va va voom

ally set i know the law’s name as V

 

V: what

ally: roman numerals for five

V: thats hettie

 

V set their name as POP YO PUSSY LIKE THIS

 

ally: NO

klaustrophe: JSLADHKAHD 

bentacles: i hate this

va va voom: FIVEHDLAJD

 

ally set POP YO PUSSY LIKE THIS’ name as smartcar

 

smartcar: what

ally: well....ur smart

klaustrophe: i know where this is goiNGJDMDHE

va va voom: allison u will die

ally: a risk im willing to take for accuracy

va va voom: fair

smartcar: i AM smart whats the other reason

ally: ur the best driver here even tho its illegal

smartcar: go on

ally: and ur fucking small

smartcar: BITCH DIWMDHWK I KNEW U WOULD SAY THAT

smartcar: THE SLANDER!

klaustrophe: JELAHDKS AND NO ONE LIKES U

smartcar: MF EVERYONE LIKES ME IM A FUCKING TREAT

bentacles: i snorted

smartcar: BASTARD

smartcar: ill decide my own fucking nickname

 

klaustrophe locked smartcar’s admin controls!

 

smartcar: ehat the FUCK

klaustrophe: u cant do shit but talk....

bentacles: like a child

smartcar: I HATE THE HARGREEVES

Chapter Text

thank klaustrophe: yeehaw mothertruckers how’re’all’a’y’all t’day?

va va voom: what...the fuck am i reading

klaustrophe: welc’me to bible stoody we’re all childr’n of jeezus!

bentacles: STOP that vine is literally you

va va voom: oh my fucking god

smartcar: and people wonder why i refuse to be seen with any of you

bentacles: i never wondered that i just knew already

smartcar: ur the only one here with even a SHRED of a braincell 

klaustrophe: hey five hows choir

smartcar: please be quiet 

klaustrophe: there anyone u like?~~~

smartcar: shut UP 

va va voom: klaus dont pressure them

klaustrophe: i just wanna know if my baby sibling has even the smallest hope of a love life

sasuke: pretty sure its not that big of a deal

klaustrophe: single people dont get to talk! only me, allison and vanya can!! and maybe five!!

sasuke: you are ridiculous

 

klaustrophe locked sasuke’s controls for ten minutes!

klaustrophe locked alabama complex’s controls for a day!

 

klaustrophe: i said no fucking talking for the singles

ally: christ.

bentacles: why am i not locked

klaustrophe: locking you wouldnt do shit you would probably just steal my phone!!

va va voom: and diego wouldnt?

klaustrophe: thats...a very good point

klaustrophe: but ive elected to ignore that option

smartcar: useless. utterly useless.

ally: five dont be mean

smartcar: fuck you ill be as mean as i want

klaustrophe: five spill!

smartcar: ill spill ur fucking guts if u carry on pestering me

bentacles: oop

ally: NDKWBD YIKE

klaustrophe: thats not very family friendly

smartcar: die

 

the timer on sasuke’s control lock has run out!

 

sasuke: five is there any room for an accomplice in the murder of klaus

smartcar: always :)

klaustrophe: preeeeetty sure this classifies as a crime

ally: do you really think anyone here cares about the law

va va voom: luther

ally: eyem

smartcar: hes irrelevant

klaustrophe: so is this entire conversation!!!! five!!!! is there anyone cute!!!

smartcar: why do you care so much

klaustrophe: fivE TELL ME

smartcar: sigh

 

smartcar has left the CHAT!

 

klaustrophe: oh fuck no

bentacles: klaus

klaustrophe: that mfer is hiding sumn

bentacles: kLAUs

klaustrophe: what

bentacles: stop pushing them

klaustrophe: im not!

va va voom: lmao ok

ally: just lay off them for a lil

klaustrophe: im considering this

klaustrophe: and ive decided

 

klaustrophe has added smartcar to the CHAT!

 

smartcar: no

klaustrophe: what they said

va va voom: im tired

ally: i dont hate the hargreeves. yall just annoying. God Bles.

sasuke: this is sickening

smartcar: diego is right 

klaustrophe: is there a girl?? or a boy?? maybe an enby??? is there multiple?? speak!

smartcar: theres the void

sasuke: wow and yall have the nerve to call me sasuke?

bentacles: i cant believe five is having their emo phase three years late

sasuke: just like their puberty

smartcar: this is unwarranted assault

sasuke: no assault is warranted

smartcar:...maybe....

bentacles: ominous

ally: i do have to admit that five is unusally short for their age. 

va va voom: and angry

klaustrophe: and their skin is very clear???? why is their skin so clear???

bentacles: they are very stupid too

sasuke: pretty sure only prepubescent kids join choirs and get arrested for death threats

bentacles: what

ally: What.

va va voom: oh my fucking god five

smartcar: who is five?

sasuke: was rhat whole thing a secret

klaustrophe: HEWISJ THATS WHERE U WERE THAT DAY??? 

sasuke: yall actually believed they went on a fishing trip? with me? if five is with me for longer than an hour the  they are definitely arrested

smartcar: we get it you work with the police

ally: FIVE

va va voom: this is so funny

klaustrophe: im so proud

bentacles: of course you are

smartcar: that bastard deserved it

ally: what the FUCK did you do

smartcar: i asked some doctor a question and he said no so i...

sasuke: you literally physically assaulted him five you grabbed him by the collar and was mean asf i read the report

ally: oh mt GOD 

klaustrophe: this is amazing

bentacles: ive given up on all of you

va va voom: a DOCTOR?? WHAT DID HE DO

smartcar: wouldn’t answer the question and then was super patronizing bc im short! thats deserved in my eyes.

va va voom: u...u went to jail because a man called u short and that...ok

ally: this is 

ally: next level oh my fuckfiejdksnd

sasuke: klaus is chaotic neutral, five is chaotic evil, im lawful neutral, allison is neutral good, vanya is chaotic good, luther is lawful good and ben is lawful evil

ally: im considering this

smartcar: im not evil nor am i chaotic

bentacles: five is once again wrong!

va va voom: mmmmm

va va voom: i think we are all somewhat chaotic

sasuke: say that to five’s almost criminal record (thank u me and eudora), klaus’ entire life and ur emotions lmao

va va voom: h

ally: yeah compared to u three the rest of us r weak

 

Chapter Text

ally: IM FUCKING CRYING

klaustrophe: WH

bentacles: what the fuck have you done now

sasuke: PLEASEHEJDJDJ ALLISON IM FUCKFOTJF

ally: EHHEEHEKDHSK I HAVE TO DIEGO IM SORRU

sasuke: THE BETRAYAL

ally: JDJSJDKS OK SO ME DIEGO AND FIVE DECIDED TO HAVE A NICE DAY OUT 😌😌 AND IT ENDED UP BEING THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE

smartcar: shut up

ally: WE WENT TO TOYS R US BC CLAIRES BIRTHDAY IS COMING UP AND I WAS LIKE OMG DIEGO...SHE HAS ALL THESE SMALL TOY STORY TOYS AND THERES BIGGER VERSIONS..MAYBE GET SOME FOR HER? 

smartcar: sigh

klaustrophe: i love where this is going 

bentacles: last time i was in toys r us klaus thought the piñatas were already filled and promptly destroyed a whole shelf

va va voom: jesus christ

ally: DIEGO WAS LIKE OK...GOOD IDEA 

sasuke: IT ENDED UP NOT BEING A GOOD IDEA BECAUSE I FUCKING LEFT WITH NOTHING BC SJALDJAL MY BRAINEISKD

smartcar: your brain? i never even believed you had one, this incident only proved that theory right

ally: JDKSJDJDJDJSJSJ THIS MF WALKED UP TO SOME WORKER AND SAIDJEJDJD

smartcar: “do you have a big woody?” 

klaustrophe: OHDNSODNWIDJE

bentacles: HALEHDKWND HHHHHHHH

va va voom: oh wOWISOS

ally: HEHEHEHE AND THIS WORKER JUST BLUSHES AND DIEGO BLINKS AT HIM FOR A FEW SECONDS BEFORE REALISING WHAT HE SAID AND JUST GOES “i mean, its a valid question”

smartcar: allison fucking screamed. like...no exaggeration she SCREAMED it was so loud. she deadass had to sit on the ground she was laughing so much.

sasuke: HELWNSKWBDLWBDLQND

klaustrophe: DIEGOSSHODBSKSNS

bentacles: I HATE YOUDJWKDJWDJWMD OH MY G OFJSKDJE

klaustrophe: di d you find out if he did or not

smartcar: no because i stormed out in disappointment and diego followed

va va voom: what happened to allison

smartcar: we were in the car and diego was trying to validate himself i was like..uhm no. then allison stumbled out and towards the car still laughing and-hhhhhh

sasuke: JDJDJDJSJ SHEHEJEHD SHE HIT HER HEAD ON THE CAR AND JUST CARRIED ON LAUGHING FJSKSJDKSN SHE JUST SAT IN THE CAR HOLDING HER HEAD AND WHEEXIGNJD

klaustrophe: HAHAHDNEKDN💀💀💀

bentacles: ALLISOSND

alabama complex: ALLISON ARE YOU OKAY?!!

ally: YEAHSKENDKDJDLSN

va va voom: this is why you are all banned from adulthood

smartcar: vanya you cant say shit

va va voom: TYEEUDUSU😌😌😌 blessed be me

smartcar: die

bentacles: i have a feeling theres something else JDLWNDKABD THAT WASNT CHAOTIC ENOUGH

smartcar: dont you fucking dare diego

sasuke: HEHEHEHHEHEH 

smartcar: this is genuinely the worst day of my life and you’re all going to pay for it

sasuke: BAISCALLY WE DECIDED WE WERE HUNGRY FROM ALL THAT LAUGHING AND WENT TO SOME FAST FOOD THING

ally: five made us go to a vegan one

smartcar: 😌😌 blessed be me

va va voom: i hate you

smartcar: i am the leader of the vegarmy and you will Die first vanya

va va voom: bet

sasuke: JSJSJSJS AND THERE WAS THIS GUY WHO WAS STOOD NEXT TO THEM AND BEAR IN MIND THAT FIVE IS LIKE JUST UNDER 5’0 AND THEN THIS MACHO MAN WAS LIKE 6’4

bentacles: LMAODJEKDJSKDN 

klaustrophe: did five fucking die

smartcar: yes

klaustrophe: OHEJDHDJDJD

sasuke: THIS GUY STARTED USHERING HIS FAMILY OVER TO LOOK AT THE MENUS ON THE WALL AND HEHDKSJD HE FUCKING PUNCHES FIVE

bentacles: HAHSJDKANDLSBD OHY MTJSKS

va va voom: good

smartcar: shut up idiot

sasuke: NSJSJDJSJJDJD AND THERES JUST FUCKIGN BLOOD EVERYWHERJRKEJFOSNDKE THEIR NOSE IS JUST A FUCKIGB FOUNTAINRJSLF

va va voom: KELWDKWBD

sasuke: BEEFY BOY IS JUST STARING AT THEM HORRIFIED, ME AND ALLISON ARE FUCKIG  CRYING YET AGAIN, THE WORKERS ARE JUST SHOCKED AND DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO

ally: FIVE JUST GOES “oh.” AND FUCKING STARES AT THE BLOOD ALL IVER THE PLACE AS IF IT ISNT THEIRS

klaustrophe: HAKSHDOWND OH MY GODKSJDKSB OF COURSE THEY WOUDLEKDI

ally: then five just wALKS CASUALLY UP TO THE COUNTER AS IF THEY HADNT JUST FUCKING BEEN PUNCHED AND ORDERS SOME FOOD??? THIS WORKER IS LIKE UHMMM BUT JUST ACCEPTS THIS BLOODY DOLLAR BILL OUT OF THIS TWELVE YEAR OLDS HANDS AND IS SO SCARED BC OF THE SMILE FIVE GIVES OFNEIFME

klaustrophe: FIVE YOU CANT JUST DO THATSIDH

smartcar: why the fuck noT I WAS IN PAIN

sasuke: FIVE GETS THEIR FOOD AND HEADS OUT THE BUILDING COMPLETELY IGNORING EVERYONES STARES AND THE FAVT THEY JUST LEFT BLOOD LITERALLY EVERYWHERE THERE WAS SO MUCH

bentacles: jesus christ five is it broken

smartcar: no

ally: this guy came out the bathroom to a bloody handprint on the exit and an actual bloodbath and just blinks before saying “i was gone for two minutes and someone got murdered? really?” and just sighs and i fucking died

smartcar: I NEARLY FUCKING DIED TODAY

bentacles: you cant just do tHAT FIVE

smartcar: I NEARLY DIED FROM BLOOD LOSS AND UR SAT HERE SAYING I CANT DO WHAT? ORDER FOOD? EAT? GET ENERGY BACK?

bentacles: oHRJJED MY FORJEOWBD

klaustrophe: GO TO THE FUCKING HOSPITAL

smartcar: WHY WOULD I DO THAT

klaustrophe: YOU CANT CLAIM YOU BEARLY DIED AND THEN NOT GO TO THE HOPSITAL

smartcar: what the FUCK is ur problem

ally: idk but its very worrying u bled that much from a tap on the nose

smartcar: he fucking HIT ME with the force of a thousand fuckig bricks excuse me if i bleed a lil

sasuke: A LIL??? MF 

 

 

Chapter Text

PRIVATE MESSAGE

ru-mour-ru-ru-mour -> benjamin franklin

 

ru-mour-ru-ru-mour: BEN

benjamin franklin: what

ru-mour-ru-ru-mour: DONT TELL KLAUS

ru-mour-ru-ru-mour: BUT I FOUND OUT WHO FIVE LIKES

benjamin franklin: hm...eye sea...☕️🐸

ru-mour-ru-ru-mour: SHIS SHOULD I ADD HER TO THE CHAT

bejamin franklin: u legit just said not to tell klaus he IS gonna find out if u add them

ru-mour-ru-ru-mour: HSJAZ SHUT UP THIS IS GOING TO BE BEAUTIFUL

 

GC

ally: hello shishters

va va voom: oh no what do you want now

ally: vanya that is no way to treat ur shishter

va va voom: i dont have a shishter

ally: 😔😔

bentacles: five

smartcar: no

bentacles: WH

bentacles: motherfucker aint even gonna let me speak i see how it is...fuck you

smartcar: what u gonna do abt it pussy

bentacles: allison. 

 

ally added dolly parton to the CHAT!

 

smartcar: oh

smartcar: Oh No.

dolly parton: BDOABDJE WH

smartcar: E

ally: did we break them

smartcar: EEEEEEEEEE

dolly parton: yes you did

klaustrophe: whomst

bentacles: pm

 

PRIVATE MESSAGE

bitch -> kunt

 

bitch: fives crush

kunt: OH FUCK

kunt: damn....u really did this for me? 

bitch: allison did this for five

kunt: 😔

kunt: i see the type of person you are

 

GC

smartcar: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

klaustrophe: HEHEHEHEHEHEH

bentacles: is this bitch really still spamming e

va va voom: yes also allison filled me in and let me just say.....

 

va va voom sent a video!: https://www.instagram.com/p/BvVXJnsHZeI/?utm_source=ig_share_sheet&igshid=gk6pr51qyri9

 

klaustrophe: LMAODSNJD

bentacles: so....introduce urself dolly parton

dolly parton: dolores

va va voom: 10/10 intro there

dolly parton: thanks its my name

ally: 😌😌shes a comedian

dolly parton: hahaha now can someone please eggsplain what is happening

sasuke: huh

klaustrophe: oh fuck diego exists let me just fill him in 

bentacles: u are in the sams choir group as five 

dolly parton: OH 

dolly parton: yes

dolly parton: we irritating 

smartcar: KDUSKDHEKE 

dolly parton: smartcar is five

smartcar: hhgg yes

va va voom: this is so beautiful five ur such a good communicator u should become a politician

smartcar: n

smartcar: no

sasuke: damn didnt even tell her to die this is special

ally: im allison, fives amazing and talented older sister 😌😌

va va voom: i am vanya

dolly parton: groot energy

va va voom: thats the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me. five im stealing ur gf

smartcar: A

dolly parton: thats sweet she thinks we r dating

smartcar: HM YES HOW PECULIAR

dolly parton: five 

smartcar: hm

dolly parton: trip

smartcar: 🗿🗿🗿ur shit

dolly parton: 😔😔tea

smartcar: never say that again 

dolly parton: ☕️

so smartcar: im leaving you

dolly parton: okay bye slut

smartcar: 😌😌tea

sasuke: HUH

ally: maybe...maybe i just ascended 

dolly parton: why the fuck is sasuke here? shouldnt u be fuckin naruto?

sasuke: NDHANDJSKDHWKBDE im diego and i have yet to find the naruto to my sasuke

dolly parton: ofc i hope u find ur stupud boyfriwnd one day

sasuke: thank you

bentacles: i am ben and im the bitch that has to make sure all these others bitches do nothing stupid

dolly parton: ur energy....gay

bentacles: dolly parton can achieve world peace

dolly parton: i already have, why do you think piers morgan is fucking dead?

smartcar: hes dead?

dolly parton: soon.

klaustrophe: HI IM KLAUS AND IM THE BESTEST BROTHER FIVE HAS :) 

dolly parton: wild guess but are u the one who threw an apple at the principles forehead

klaustrophe: rhats me

dolly parton: five no longer best friend. only klaus.

smartcar: yall seein this shit? 

dolly parton: idk maybe u should get ur eyes checked

smartcar: 💀

dolly parton: a s elf portrait....

smartcar: I HATEYDIEHFKSBD

alabama complex: Oh my God. It’s Dolly Parton.

sasuke: oh no

ally: OH FUCK

klaustrophe: this is gonna go well

bentacles: luther im goung to slaughter u

alabama complex: You can’t do that, it’s illegal.

bentacles: fuck the laws of this land, i will slaughter you

dolly parton: luther is the sister fucker, no?

sasuke: FUCKSUSIDHE

alabama complex: Why is Dolly Parton saying that? Miss Parton, please.

dolly parton: no ur queen has spoken

alabama complex: Queen? Who do you think you are?

dolly parton: i already said. reread the first two words of my previous message: ur queen.

smartcar: this is why ur my favorite dolores

dolly parton: this is what god intended.

sasuke: we-

Chapter Text

sasuke: good morning today feels like my day yknow a diego day....diegoday...diegay...day

klaustrophe: are you???? ok??? what are u saying

dolly parton: diegay is vaguely threatening.

va va voom: yeah isnt that a hate crime

ally: its a day. be respectful.

alabama complex: Diego.

sasuke: oh my fucking god do not ruin this for me luther

dolly parton: oop

va va voom: pls dont fight 🗿

alabama complex: I haven’t done anything.

sasuke: you are gods biggest regret

smartcar:....hes not wrong

dolly parton: yall really hate him huh

smartcar: mhm

ally: we dont hate him

smartcar: hah

ally: most of us

dolly parton: eye sea

bentacles: hey guys remember that one time diego woke up in a good mood and put on normal fucking clothes that didnt make him look like a gimp and then promptly fell down the fucking stairs.

klaustrophe: im worried ben that was a lot of fucking

bentacles: no

smartcar: thank you ben. very cool

sasuke: did you just call me a gimp

bentacles: i said ur clothes make u look like a gimp. ur the one that came to that conclusion.

sasuke: u literally just called me a gimp

bentacles: sounds like a you problem 😌

va va voom: this is why our family is hated 

smartcar: no im pretty sure we are hated bc of our dad

va va voom:....printer fax

smartcar: oh my fucking god

dolly parton: im feeling very at home right now

klaustrophe: thats worrying

klaustrophe: you really shouldnt feel at home with the hargreeves

bentacles: fr fr none of us even feel at home

ally: im 14 and this is deep

bentacles: allison you have seven days

ally: thats enough time to Kill You

bentacles:...no....

bentacles: you wouldnt

ally: i would

va va voom: she would

 

PRIVATE MESSAGE

limp dick -> mia khalifa

 

limp dick: allison

limp dick: u wouldnt kill me

mia khalifa: how would you know that

mia khalifa: im in my secret base planning ur demise rn actually

limp dick: rolls eyes

limp dick: i still owe you.

mia khalifa: god i hate that ur right

 

GC

sasuke: did everyone just fucking die

smartcar: i wish

dolly parton: these people are ur siblings five bee respectful

smartcar: please dont say bee im traumatised 

ally: oh? 

va va voom: bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee

smartcar: hm. vanya has lost number one spot in the list of favourite siblings. ben is now king. 

bentacles: why the fuck was i not already number one

smartcar: vanya bought me neopolitan icecream yesterday.

ally: that is a very good reason for her to rule the list. where am i?

smartcar: fourth.

ally: out of six? im honoured. 

smartcar: good. 

ally: wait whos third???

smartcar: diego.

bentacles: LMAO KLAUS IS FIFTH 

smartcar: who the fuck said vanya was second.

ally: the fact that shes always been ur favorite 

smartcar: you know what ur right. 

klaustrophe: im pretty sure this counts as homophobia 

smartcar: how

klaustrophe: bc im gay and ur being mean

smartcar: then i guess i hate gays

ally: oh my god u hate gays

sasuke: that is literally everyone here

sasuke: apart from luther

smartcar: Gays are so annoying. God Bles.

sasuke: luther energy

alabama complex: What?

klaustrophe: what is this about bees

dolly parton: IM GLAD U ASKED

smartcar: dolores is2g im going to snap harder than thanos please dont 

dolly parton: basically we were in class bc me and five also share a few classes together 😌

bentacles: heheheheheh

ally: ben thats scary

dolly parton: and we were in RE bc we are forced plus if we dont go we get kicked out of choir for lack of attendance 

klaustrophe: ur saying theres a way out of choir and five voluntarily didnt opt for it? we-

smartcar: i hope you die

dolly parton: school whack with sumn shit they teach

ally; this is true

dolly parton: mhm. and the birds and the bees come up as a topic.

klaustrophe: TASTYEHEKFBRE

bentacles: oh my fucking god i can see where rhis is going 

ally: AHAKDBDKSND

dolly parton: i snort so fucking loud when the presentation loaded lemme just fuckin establish that, five just sighs bc they’re stupid

smartcar: uncalled for

dolly parton: teacher goes ‘the bees are like humans. they take and take and take until they get stomped on and die’ 

ally: thats....graphic

dolly parton: mf sat next to me goes ‘thats not....’ and she SNAPS i swear to fucking god i was so scared her eyes instantly just bug out of her head i was terrified

smartcar: she turns to me and goes ‘MR HARGREEVES’ and i go ‘MA’AM’ like really loudly to counter her bc do not call me that and she fucking stares at me ‘HARGREEVES CHILD PLEASE REFRAIN FROM INTERRUPTING’ and i go ‘BEES DONT FUCK’ and sHE JUST STARES AT ME AND DOLORES IS CRYITNFJSJWKDJWKD I CANTIWK

dolly parton: NDHWKDB MF IM SORRY BUTJEKDJD

klaustrophe: bees dont fuck....

smartcar: THEY DONT

smartcar: wait omg do they

dolly parton: idk but its over now and u got suspended for a week

ally: fIVE SUWKD

smartcar: DONT CALL ME MR AND I WONT SAY SHIT

dolly parton: SHE CALLED U THAT BC U INTERRUPTED FIRST

smartcar: THAT AINT AN EXCUSE!!! ITS MX OR MISS OR DR OR NOTHING

bentacles: MX AND MISS I UNDERSTAND BUT DR??? MF WHAT

smartcar: SHUT UP ILL FUCKING KILL YOU

bentacles: NO???? U ARENT A DOCTOR FIVE

smartcar: ITS GENDER NEUTRAL

bentacles: MISS ISNT

smartcar: FUCK YOU YOU KNOW IM OK WITH FEMININE TERMS

bentacles: WHY ARE WE ARGUING

smartcar: BECAUSE UR STUPID

bentacles: SILENCE LESBIAN

smartcar: WHATSNSHDKSJDKE ONE: U CANT SILENCE LESBIANS THEYRE POWERFUL TWO: IM BISEXUAL 

sasuke: im fucking crying

ally: i hate this 

va va voom: me, helen and allison are banding together to kill ben- the lesbian silencer

ally: NSAKDBKS ADD HELEN AND EUDORA

sasuke: eudora is not a lesbian

smartcar: no shes my emotional support pansexual now bring her

 

va va voom added eudora the explorer and asian bob ross to the CHAT!

 

smartcar: EUDORA

sasuke: EUDORA

eudora the explorer: hello 

smartcar: HOW ARE U

eudora the explorer: 😌😌im ok wbu

smartcar: im good now that ur here 😌😌

sasuke: eudora listen to me

eudora the explorer: yall hear sumn?

ally: eUDORA

eudora the explorer: DHANDJS ALLISON HI

ally: MY BEAUTIFUL WIFE

eudora the explorer: WE ARENT MARRIED BUT I LOVE U ALL THE SAME

ally: OOSOSISJSJ💗💗💕💗💗💗

klaustrophe: i can physically feel my teeth fucking rotting

dolly parton: hello eudora i am dolores

eudora the explorer: omg hi ur fives gf

smartcar: nnn

dolly parton: huh

bentacles: this is so soft. but quick question

va va voom: shoot

bentacles: helen why is ur name asian bob ross

asian bob ross: im asian. and im an artist.

bentacles: you play the violin

asian bob ross: music? is? art? 

bentacles: oh shit ur right nvm i went brain dead for a second there

klaustrophe: ha

va va voom: helen 😔

asian bob ross: vanya 😔

va va voom: we have to kill ben

asian bob ross: why

va va voom: wanted to silence lesbians

bentacles: i wanted to silence five

sasuke: yes by saying ‘silence lesbian’ 

ally: they arent even a lesbian ben

bentacles: im aware

klaustrophe: o mighty lesbians can i join u in this quest

ally: yes

va va voom: ok

asian bob ross: are u a lesbian?

klaustrophe: no but i will follow the religion where u pray to lesbians

eudora the explorer: thats???

klaustrophe: im buddhist but i can be converted

smartcar: wild

dolly parton: wait is everyone here a different religion im tripping five i thought ur ehole family was jewish

smartcar:....no....u just presumed that

dolly parton: eye sea...is anyone else jewish?

ally: no

dolly parton: huh

eudora the explorer: wiccans make some noise

ally: 😌😌😌

dolly parton: 😌😌😌

eudora the explorer: omg lets rise 

dolly parton: we are the New World

klaustrophe: wtf five stfu dave is jewish

smartcar: dave isnt related to me

klaustrophe: technicALLY none of us are

smartcar: never say that again.

ally: adopted siblings = siblings

klaustrophe: wair why the FUCK ISNT DAVE HERE 

va va voom: oh my god we forgot dave

bentacles: you mean YOU forgot dave

va va voom: my responsibility was to add the girls 

 

klaustrophe added kins popeye to the CHAT!

 

kins popeye: klaus...what is this?

kins popeye: why is this my name? what have ypu done?

klaustrophe: ive done u a favour babe

bentacles: BABE

klaustrophe: ur dead to me

smartcar: omg dave

kins popeye: omg five

ally: why does five know everyone

smartcar: i didnt know helen

dolly parton: u do now

smartcar: yeah????? wtf no shit 

dolly parton: im just little worm please stop shouting at me

va va voom: ur so nice dolores im surprised u and five get along

klaustrophe: yeah fives type of people live in retirement homes 

smartcar: god ur the worst im 16 not 58

kins popeye: u think 58 year olds are in retirement homes?

smartcar: i dont fucking know dave i dont go to one do i

kins popeye: dolores how old are you

smartcar: shes not a pensioner 

kins popeye: idk 

dolly parton: im not a pensioner

sasuke: dolores this might be confusing but have you been diagnosed with dementia any time recently

dolly parton: oh my fucking god trust me when i say im 17

ally: YOURE 17?????

dolly parton: yes?????

smartcar: thats what she just said

sasuke: HOW ARE U IN THEIR CLASSES IF UR 17

smartcar: IM 16 NOT 12 

dolly parton: im only a couple months older than them 

va va voom: omg our babey five is the youngest here

smartcar: STOP

ally: my babiest sibling is so grown up....

smartcar: i hate you 

bentacles: teenagers r so mean

klaustrophe: we should take away their phone

smartcar: i actually fucking hate you all

kins popeye: take their phone

smartcar: DONT

eudora the explorer: do it

sasuke: five im coming up the stairs

smartcar: im at school

sasuke: wait omg u are???

asian bob ross: its....1pm yeah they should be at school

sasuke: should be

va va voom: should be doesnt mean shit

dolly parton: theyre with me in biology rn

ally; why are u on ur phones in class

dolly parton: Oh Fuck We Made A Big Mistake

dolly parton: five turned off their phone and said ‘yall so irritating im tryna work’ as if they werent the one spamming the chat

kins popeye: i thought they were suspended

dolly parton; suspension starting tomorrow 

kins popeye: for swearing. a week.

dolly parton: i did say school whack lucjily theyre an A* student

va va voom: ew smart 

dolly parton: dw im only a B student

ally: THATS SMART

klaustrophe: i was a U student

klaustrophe: they literally wouldnt even grade some of my papers

ally: YOU GOT AN A ON UR FINALS KLAUS SHUT UP

klaustrophe: who said that was My Work?

kins popeye: this is disappointing i thought u would make me rich

klaustrophe: ME? i literally? work? as? a? fortune teller? 

kins popeye: fortune tellers can earn hella dosh

sasuke: hella dosh...who speaks like that

kins popeye: uhhhm me?

sasuke: trash.

bentacles: allison has money

kins popeye: shes also a lesbian

eudora the explorer: my rich gf 😌

bentacles: i cant believe theres 5 successful hargreeves kids and one of those is still in school klaus a whole child surpassed u

klaustrophe: say that again when im a famous medium

ally: thats true! klaus is already well known

kins popeye: five got reallt good vocal chords though

bentacles: ur right but u shouldnt say it their ego is big enough

kins popeye: allison is fAMOUS, klaus is a fortune teller, ben is a fucking olympian, luther is trash (also an olympian), diego is a police officer, five is in school, vanya is a musician

kins popeye; IMAGINE HAVINNG A FMSILY LIKE THAT PLUS UR DAD IS A LAWYER AND UR MUM IS A TV CHEF OGMSIDK UR MUM IS GORGON RAMSEY

bentacles; MUM IS NOT GORDON Rams- oh my god she is

klaustrophe: SHES NICE TO US HOW

bentacles: PLS SHES SO POWERFUL HAVE U SEEN HER ON TV??? 

ally: and that one time she hit a guy in the street for catcalling her

sasuke: that one time she got so pissed off on tv that she just smiled at the bitch and proceeded to ‘accidentally’ slam his head in the oven

va va voom: holy shit i remember that

eudora the explorer: arent ur parents divorced

klaustrophe: allison and vanya arent the only lesbians in the family

asian bob ross: JRJSJDJJD 

asian bob ross: wait who do you live with

ally; we are adults helen. 

sasuke: me and eudora have a flat together, klaus and ben have a house, vanya literally lives wih you helen, five lives wih mum, luther lives in his own house, allison also has a massive house 

asian bob ross: bitch i obviously knew vanyas situation idiot

sasuke: ooo a bitch got some fire

asian bob ross: a bitch gonna kill you i know that much

smartcar: hey can someone pick me up from school yet bc klaus isnt here

klaustrophe: oh fuck i forgot

 

 

 

Chapter Text

klaustrophe: oooohhhh my god

sasuke: what now klaus

bentacles: ohhhhh nooooo

sasuke: wh

klaustrophe: vanya honey i am so sorry

va va voom: huh

va va voom: what did you do

bentacles: we didnt do anything!

sasuke: thats hard to believe when u suddenly pop up with an apology

bentacles: thats fair but i swear we didnt do anything 

va va voom: then what happened

klaustrophe: EEEEEEEEEEEEE

bentacles: HHHHHHHHHH

sasuke: that doesnt help

bentacles: KLAUS U WERE SUPPOSED TO SAY THAT AFTER ME

va va voom: that still wouldnt make sense

va va voom: but continue

bentacles: he

ally: he?

sasuke: who

va va voom: oh.

ally: hmmm- minecraft villager

ally: i have no idea whats going on

va va voom: l

va va voom: i cant even type it out im SICK

sasuke: wha

bentacles: lllleoonard🤢🤢

ally: OH EW

sasuke: SICKENING WHAT THE FUCK

klaustrophe: I FUCKING KNOW RIGHT??? DEADASS NEARLY THREW UP

bentacles: disgusting.

klaustrophe: still ugly as fuck too

asian bob ross: oh fuck no

eudora the explorer: GROSS PLEASE TELL ME U KILLED HIM

ally: u r police why are u telling them to kill someone

eudora the explorer: i could let this slide

sasuke: murder is okay in some circumstances. this is one of those circumstances.

dolly parton: who is leonard

va va voom: YUCKY

ally: vanyas ex

dolly parton: oh

eudora the explorer: comphet is trash

va va voom; it wasnt comphet i just wasnt out

eudora the explorer: oh yikes

asian bob ross; klaus. ben. i will come with u on this journey of murdering leonard

 

klaustrophe added leonard to the CHAT!

 

eudora the explorer: WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT

bentacles: KLAUS

ally: HOW DO U EVEN HAVE HIM ON HERE IM

va va voom: im going to be SICK

sasuke: mayhaps i will be breaking the law today

smartcar: what the fuck have i just come back to

sasuke: me murdering that twat

eudora the explorer; me and diego are going to commit a hate crime

va va voom: can i join

klaustrophe: me and ben were here first

bentacles: do NOT clump me tpgether with u when u just added him here klaus

smartcar: leonard. 

leonard: what is this

smartcar: ur funeral. 

leonard: shit

leonard: why

ally: ur trash and ur getting what u deserve

asian bob ross: im going to fucking kill you leonard.

va va voom; omg my hero

asian bob ross: while u were busy being straight, i studied the blade!

smartcar:....okay well as long as you can contribute to his death im not complaining 

kins popeye: 🔪🔪🔪🔪

klaustrophe: god you’re so hot

kins popeye: 😌😌🔪🔪

leonard: i literally havent done anything

asian bob ross: wrong u used vanya for her money

leonard: that....is a point

asian bob ross: i have to kill a con man for my girlfriend naturally.

leonard: honestly? that’s respectable 

smartcar: i cant believe 9 people are going to kill 1

dolly parton: i am back with my gun. and it is cocked.

smartcar; why do you have a gun

dolly parton: bitch dont start do u KNOW who u are

smartcar: thats a very good point. but im a shooter on left 4 dead. not on real people.

dolly parton: that....is true. my gun is gone.

ally: do you actuallt have a gun?

dolly parton: no

ally: shucks

dolly parton: do u want me to have a gun?

ally; i want to see leonard dead thats what i want dolores 

va va voom: leonard i hope you changed ur locks

leonard: huh

va va voom: omw cunt

leonard: HUH

leonard: the startling thing is that i actuallt do fear for my life rn

asian bob ross: good bc we r outside ur door

leonard: what

asian bob ross: well. everyone but dolores and dave and luther

asian bob ross: get here now

kins popeye: drop the location 

smartcar: u scared yet leonard? gonna cry? gonna piss ur pants? gonna shit and cum?

va va voom: please never say that again five

klaustrophe: leonard i hope ur crying in the corner of ur bedroom u pussy bitch

leonard; ur literally just stood at my door aggressively typing im not worried anymore at all

va va voom: OH FUCK

eudora the explorer: oh my god cant we arrest you for that 

sasuke: yes we could but are we going to

dolly parton: what the fuck happened

bentacles: helen and allison busted the door down

ally: five isnt the only one in trouble with the police now 😎

eudora the explorer: that isnt something to flex about allison

ally: please it sounded cooler in my head 

smartcar: now we are just stood at an empty door frame with a scared leonard as we just type on our phones silently 

leonard: i feel like maybe i should be running now

asian bob ross: two lesbians just kicked down ur door i would be running too

va va voom: im going to marry you helen

asian bob ross: thank you

eudora the explorer: vanya we are so lucky

va va voom: we really are

klaustrophe: can welike????????? do something im getting antsy

bentacles: antsy

klaustrophe: got those ants in my pants

kins popeye: god ur so annoying i love u

klaustrophe: oh! ily2

smartcar: yes lets fucking murder him

sasuke: i cant allow that this has alrwady gone too far

alabama complex: Where are you all?

sasuke: luther im arresting allison and helen

alabama complex: Why?

sasuke; because they commited a crime????

alabama complex: I’m devastated.

smartcar: JEKSNDKABDLA WHY DID THAT MAKE ME LAUGH

dolly parton: yall really dont just like...calm down?

sasuke: no

sasuke: ur partner has a criminal record dolores

dolly parton: only one?

eudora the explorer: NDHANDJANDJKS

va va voom: wait

sasuke: omg

va va voom: WAIT

ally: did i just see that correctly

klaustrophe: lemme move my bang so i can read that again

bentacles: OH IT TOOK ME A MOMENT BUT IK WHAT UR TALKING ABT NOW

dolly parton: what

va va voom: U DIDNT DENY THE YOUR PARTNER THIG

dolly parton: five is my lab partner

bentacles: YOU FUCKING KNOW THATS NOT WHAT PARTNER MEANS

dolly parton: you got me there

ally: HOLT SHIT DOES THIS MEAN???

smartcar: A

dolly parton: no it doesnt i just didn’t address it i was more focused on the criminal fucking record part

smartcar: i dont even have a criminal record diego and eudora got me out of it

dolly parton; oh ik im just surprised u havent been arrested for anything else

smartcar: thats offensive

dolly parton: piss off

smartcar: rude

dolly parton:.....

 

PRIVATE MESSAGE

dolores umbridge -> little russian lady

 

dolores umbridge: vanya.

little russian lady: dolORES EHAT IS THIS

dolores umbridge: do i say fuck it

little russian lady: OHDJSKFBLS

dolores umbridge: we all know five is useless

little russian lady: yes do it now do it do it do it do it 

dolores umbridge: oh my fucking god okay

 

GC

smartcar: thats ominous

sasuke: huh

va va voom: HEHEHEHEHHE

bentacles: did klaus fucking possess you? vanya what

leonard: can u leave yet

eudora the explorer: what? oh right we r still at ur place

 

eudora the explorer kicked leonard from the CHAT!

 

dolly parton: five

va va voom: AHAHAHEHEHEHEHEHH

smartcar: wh

dolly parton: be the shrek to my fiona

smartcar: what

dolly parton: be the donkey to my dragon

smartcar: did you just call me a donkey

dolly parton: be the bi to my tch

smartcar: bitch?

klaustrophe: idk five has more tch energy

dolly parton: thats true

va va voom: this is pathetic five just date her

sasuke: W

ally: OH MY GOD 

bentacles: was that meant to be a confession

dolly parton: yes actually

eudora the explorer: five are u dead

smartcar: huh? can you uhhh fucking repeat that please

sasuke: wh

smartcar: sorry just having a fucking aneurysm 

smartcar: are u serious 

dolly parton: i think so

smartcar: wrong answer

dolly parton: hsqkbskad yes five im fucking serious

ally: this is so sweet

smartcar: HUH

smartcar: i mean....

dolly parton: i swear to fucking god if u say no in front of everyone here im going to go beserk

smartcar: why would i say no you toe sucker

ally: AAAAAA

klaustrophe: whoever said romance is dead?

dolly parton: is that ur way of saying yes

smartcar; yes

dolly parton:,,,okay im totally not having a breakdown rn

bentacles: im crying

klaustrophe: god im so happy for yall

dolly parton: thrhnak youi

ally: jsldbskdhe are u ok

dolly parton: NO WTF

va va voom: ur supposed to be happy

dolly parton: I AM I JUST AM CRYING

smartcar: omw

dolly parton: w

smartcar: what the fuck did i say

smartcar: ill be at yours in ten

ally: omg five has a heart!

eudora the explorer: im reallt goin thru it rn

dolly parton: we- okay.

asian bob ross: this is beautiful

 

 

 

Chapter Text

smartcar: oh my fucking god

ally: what did you do now

smartcar: why do you instantly just assume it was me that did something

sasuke: tbh it usually is

smartcar: huh well...this time it was dolores

sasuke: oh no

smartcar: thank u for acknowledging how this can be fucked up

dolly parton: i know my rights

smartcar: HDKSHD THIS IS NOT PART OF THE CONSTITUTION DOLORES

dolly parton: are u sure? have u read the constitution? did u write it?

ally: p

ally: please get on with it

eudora the explorer: dont be so fucking RUDE

ally: do you wanna fight me

eudora the explorer: n..no

smartcar: please so much just happened

smartcar: everyone needs to be here

sasuke: @everyone

klaustrophe: what the fuck is your problem

bentacles: @ ing everyone is singlehandedly the worst crime you can commit

sasuke: five has a s tory

klaustrophe: eye sea...

kins popeye: get the fuck on with it 

ally: oop

smartcar: SO in RE we were doing a debate 

ally: oh yikes we hate debates in religious classes

va va voom: traumatic 

smartcar: it was abt whether or not we can use gay as an insult

va va voom: OH traumatic x2

klaustrophe: i like debates like that bc they show who u can and cant trust

eudora the explorer; thats a bery depressing but true point

smartcar: and dolores! fucking dolores! 

smartcar: she turns around and says “if anyone calls me gay, ill just say that im straighter than the pole ur mother dances on”

dolly parton: 😇😇

ally: DOLORES

klaustrophe: THIS IS WHY UR MY FAVOURITE BITCH IN THIS HOUSEJDKSJDKASAJSKSJSKSN

bentacles: less effective since u r, in fact, not straight

dolly parton: that is a very valid piece of criticism but heres this one thing

dolly parton: its called i dont give a fuck

sasuke: ooo ur hard

dolly parton: did you just turn british

sasuke: guys 😔😔im coming out as british

ally: omg...

klaustrophe: just dont rub it in my face and we’re ok

bentacles: idk its pretty weird...i just hope its not all over tv

eudora the explorer: i mean think abt the kids...

asian bob ross: i am okay with the british, but if my kid was one of them i dont know what i would do

kins popeye: is it irreversible?

klaustrophe: I S I T I R R E V E R S I B L E ?

va va voom: NDEKDHSKSHSNSKSK 

va va voom: i cant believe diego knows the queen

sasuke: bitch...i just came out as british! i am the queen 😜😜 i am so quirky 

ally: fun is ruined. everyone go home.

smartcar: diego u ruined this family

alabama complex: But where does the joke end?

eudora the explorer: OH FUCKSJDKDJDJSN

ally: DID LUTHER JUSTSKWHD MAKE A JOKE???? THAT WAS ACTUALLY FUNNY??

sasuke: im fucking devastated.

 

Chapter Text

Eudora the explorer: today....diego loses the rest of his rights

sasuke: what the FUCK

va va voom: jesus Christ diego you keep losing rights like every day

va va voom: fucking stop

klaustrophe: soon you will be all left

va va voom: we-

sasuke: ....no....

klaustrophe: hehehehehe 

bentacles: Klaus you have less rights than diego

klaustrophe: evident by how im left handed

Asian bob ross: omg left handed king

klaustrophe: tea

ally: please stop

ally: Eudora proceed

Eudora the explorer: thank you

Eudora the explorer: as I was saying 

Eudora the explorer: today in the station

sasuke: NO 

ally: damn is it really that serious ma?

sasuke: EUDORA DONT YOU DARE TELL THESE F I E N D S

smartcar: excuse you

sasuke: I WILL BE BULLIED FOR FUCKING YEARS OVER THIS S M A L L MISTAKE

Eudora the explorer:  some mistakes just cannot be forgiven

dolly parton: is that a quote from five

smartcar: actually die

dolly parton: that is no way to treat ur gf

smartcar:  roblox death sound

klaustrophe: KJSDJBHUDSAJI WHAT

dolly parton:  softly but with emotion-  oof

bentacles: uhm...oui-

Eudora the explorer: diego unplugged the mouse to his laptop, left, came back and then proceeded to struggle for like twenty minutes

sasuke: E U D O R A 

klaustrophe: is it only me that just realised that euDORA and DIEGO??????????? we in the matrix

bentacles: Klaus please shut up

smartcar: diego ur so fucking stupid

ally: this is why we are known as the brainless family. we hold -29u3y289874362973uewy braincells

smartcar: there are letters in there

ally: we are so stupid we get numbers and letters mixed

klaustrophe: that is very true

bentacles: yeah I dont wanna know why you agreed Klaus I feel like I already have an idea

Eudora the explorer: diego punched the computer and threw the mouse across the room and broke a window

dolly parton: damn diego aint white but still got that white boy anger

smartcar: hey diego quick question how many times a day do you punch a hole in ur wall

sasuke: ur both vile creatures no wonder ur dating

va va voom: diego u really need to go to anger management or sumn

sasuke: my job is my anger management

ally: are you fucking SURE?

bentacles: u do not get to break shit and probably get fined for the damages at work, and then say that shit is ur anger management

klaustrophe: FIVE ARE U AT MUMS HOUSE

smartcar: IM ALREADY ON IT KLAUS

sasuke: oh no what are you doing

smartcar: IM GONNA SEE HOW MANY HOLES ARE IN UR WALLS

sasuke: OH FUCK YOU UR SO MEAN

Eudora the explorer: LMAOOOO HBSUIJOKD DIEGO JUST ACCEPT THE FACTS!

smartcar: WE-BDHYSUIJOAPK[SKODSNJD

dolly parton: oh my god I suddenly fear for my life

ally: why

klaustrophe: HAUISJDIHYGHJSI HOW MANY IS THERE

dolly parton: hold on theyre counting

klaustrophe: JHSDJ OJDHFU IS THERE REALLT THAT MANYD7FU

sasuke: I NEVER PUNCHED MY WALLS

dolly parton: really? then whats this?

 

dolly parton sent 2 photos!

 

sasuke: photoshop

klaustrophe: DIEFO WHY IS THERE SOM ANYEF8U9ISDO THEYRE ON THE FUCKIN G CEILING I HATE THIS

bentacles: I swear we live in a simulation what the fuck is this

Eudora the explorer: HAGYSUHJ

sasuke: no im serious thats not real I punched my wall like twice in my whole life and once was in this new apartment and the other was at dads house

sasuke: literally never at mums I couldn't do that to her

ally: then....wh

va va voom: five please dont tell me you made some on the spot holes just to frame diego

Asian bob ross: isnt that illegal

smartcar: nO

smartcar: helen stop trying to get me arrested its technically my property

klaustrophe: grace is going to kill you

dolly parton: I only took pictures

bentacles: oh PLEASE five would totally get away with this

smartcar: literally why are you just taking diegos word for this

sasuke: because im fucking right

smartcar: what happened to left

bentacles: WE

 

 

Chapter Text

smartcar: i fucking killed god

bentacles: what

sasuke: what

dolly parton: what

va va voom: five nO

smartcar; dont fucking TEST ME VANYA

klaustrophe: IRPWBEKDJQK FIVE U BROKE IT

smartcar: SHUT UP

ally: this is why we hate inviting u to game nights

bentacles: UHM WHY THE FUCK WAS I NOT THERE

klaustrophe: im sorry benji :( we only had four remotes and fivey insisted on playing

smartcar: do not call me fivey you cheap hooker

sasuke: thats not very nice fivey

smartcar: shut it you fucking gimp

ally: thats not very nice fivey

smartcar: shut it you fucking....lesbian

ally: not an insult

smartcar; ik ur just too powerful to insult

ally: 😌😌😌 the evil has been defeated

dolly parton: wait but what did five do

smartcar: that is none of ur business

dolly parton: i think you will find that it is very much my business, as ur gf 🤬🤬

smartcar: thats a fair point and i raise you

smartcar: no

klaustrophe: ur a mess

bentacles: says u

alabama complex: Why did a small child just run across the room in two seconds flat?

ally: DUANHDLWDLWHDL

dolly parton; WHY ARE U RUNNING

sasuke:  i think theyre literally running from the responsibility

bentacles: someone please tell me what they did

va va voom: im sobbing

asian bob ross: HUH?

asian bob ross: oh

sasuke: a lesbian comes along to save her wife

asian bob ross; of fucking course who do u think i am

sasuke: a goddess

asian bob ross: then u would be correct

smartcar: cant catch me if i run fast enough to travel into the future and spend 45 years there and then come back to find out it was only 17 years for u but u completely forgot why i ran in the first place :)

sasuke: what

va va voom: what does this say i cant read past my tears

klaustrophe: w

ally: five u broke the fucking vase

bentacles: HWAT

smartcar: snitches get stitches

ally: idiots die

smartcar: oh eye sea how it is

eudora the explorer: ur an idiot?

ally: yes they are

sasuke: five ur going to die

smartcar: i killed god do u really expect to be able to kill me so easily

sasuke: u broke a vase u didnt kill god

smartcar: what if it was...mums vase that her churchfriends made her 🤪🤪🤪🤪

sasuke: NO YOU FUCKING DIDNT

klaustrophe: oh yes they fucking DID

dolly parton: im so stunned as to how five hasnt been kicked out of the family yet

sasuke: mum loves crackheads

sasuke: rheres more chance getting kicked out if u behave and function like an actual human being

ally; this is true i mean look at luther

alabama complex: I am still here.

va va voom: that sounds vaguely threatening

alabama complex: As it should.

eudora the explorer: i dont like that diego, ally do u mind if i arrest ur big meat man

klautrophe: BIG MEAT MAN

sasuke: go for it im surprised i havent arrested him yet

ally: dont arrest him

eudora the explorer: 🥺🥺🥺

ally: arrest him all u want arrest him a hundred times if thats what will make u happy

eudora the explorer: thanks babe

sasuke: no visiting hours

eudora the explorer: mhm

ally: thats too far maybe?

va va voom: no it isnt

sasuke: 🥺🥺🥺🥺

ally: wtf shut up diego

bentacles: LMWODKSHD

klaustrophe: dee ur puppy dog eyes would work on me 😔😔

sasuke: i dont fucking care??!!

va va voom: LMAO GET REJECTED

asian bob ross: isnt it illegally to wrongly arrest someone just bc theyre there

sasuke: only if there isnt a reason

asian bob ross: where is the reason here

sasuke: i dont like luther

alabama complex: That is not very nice.

sasuke: do i look like i give a shit luther

alabama complex: I cannot see you.

sasuke: ur not going to be able to see anything if u carry on

va va voom: 💀💀💀💀

ally: diego dont kill luther

eudora the explorer: diego kill luther

ally: its what the lady wants, sir

sasuke: i love how easily dora sways you

ally: ur going to die diego

smartcar: fulfill the first three letters of ur name

sasuke: rude

smartcar: ok

Chapter Text

ally: who was it

sasuke: what

ally: who was it

sasuke: who was what

va va voom: we havent got any sixth sense allison

ally: WHO broke the fucking coffee machine

sasuke: OH

sasuke: oh i dont know allison WHO drinks the most fucking coffee? 😄

smartcar: do not push me under the bus diego you will regret it

dolly parton: dont kill ur brother

smartcar: no brother of mine betrays me

klaustrophe: it was five

smartcar: NO IT WASNT

smartcar: im being serious it actually wasnt

bentacles: it wasnt

ally:.....

va va voom:.....ben does know everything

sasuke: this is going to be a civil war

klaustrophe: like the marvel movies?

va va voom: BDKABDKW YES

bentacles: do not remind me of marvel in these trying times

klaustrophe: *whispers softly* i miss scott lang

bentacles: KLAUS I HAVE CHILDREN TO FEED STOP

ally: u have children?

bentacles: no

bentacles: i just want klaus to stop

va va voom; i have the biggest crush on hope van dyne

ally: carol danvers

va va voom: GOOD FUCKING POINT

sasuke: i raise you: gamora

ally: i am in love with all the marvel girls

bentacles: me w/ the boys

bentacles: thor...sir....

klaustrophe: THOR

kins popeye: thor is the legitimate love of my life im sorry klaus but

klaustrophe: understandable

ally: everyone claim someone

kins popeye: thor

ally: carol

sasuke: gamora

dolly parton: mantis

klaustrophe: VALID

klaustrophe: bass boosted: I MISS SCOTT LANG

asian bob ross: brunnhilde and okoye

va va voom: hope🥰🥰🥰

smartcar:....

smartcar: t’challa and wanda

klaustrophe: THE VALIDITY!

bentacles: i cant choose between sam wilson and peter quill

eudora the explorer: OH FUCK M’BAKU PLEASE

sasuke: M’BAKU SIR M’BREAK MY M’BACK

va va voom: DIEGO DHQKDN

ally: i may be a lesbian but i can understand everyones attraction to james motherfucking buchanan motherfucking barnes

asian bob ross: HELA

ally: HELA

eudora the explorer: oh my fucking god hela

sasuke: hey this might be controversial but matt murdock

klaustrophe: i raise you stephen strange

bentacles: get out klaus

klaustrophe: i knew you would hate that

sasuke: btw i broke the coffee machine

 

sasuke left the CHAT!

 

ally: BASTARD