Yoongi has never been a jealous person. He and Jimin and Hoseok; they were all undeniably close, undeniably in love. So when he comes home and sees them, on the couch, fitted together like puzzle pieces, and his heart drops, he knows there's something wrong. He goes over it in his head. He'd probably forgotten his medication this morning. It makes sense, when he's off it he becomes insecure and downright miserable. He swallows and shuts the door to their dorm behind him with a subtle click. They don't notice.
No, instead they nuzzle each other and press gentle kisses against one another's lips. Yoongi could speak up. Really, he should. He could get their attention, say hi, and they would probably welcome him. Instead he stays by the door quietly, and waits for them to notice. They don't. Their kisses become heated, and while Yoongi would normally be turned on, he's not this time. He feels something sickly turning in his stomach and presses his hand gently against it.
Hoseok presses his palm against Jimin's crotch and the younger gasps, bucking his hips up for friction. This isn't allowed. They have rules. They only have sex when they're all together, and neither Jimin nor Hoseok know that Yoongi is here. His stomach churns more and he turns his face away as Jimin moans. This feels wrong, like he's intruding, looking in on something he's not supposed to.
“Hyung!” Jimin gasps, and Yoongi flinches, thinking he's been caught. But Jimin isn't looking his way. He's staring up at Hoseok with lusting eyes and Yoongi feels like he can't breathe. “Hyung, what about Yoongi hyung, he-”
Yoongi hopes they'll stop, hopes they'll realize and slow down, wait for him to come home. Instead, Hoseok shushes Jimin and nips at his lip, the younger groaning and preening under the attention. Yoongi's heart sinks lower as he listens to Hoseok's next words.
“He doesn't have to know.”
Yoongi's lips part in a mute gasp. His thoughts run wild. How many times have they done this before, without him? How many times will they continue if he doesn't say anything? And he doesn't. He doesn't say anything, because it feels wrong. Because if they want this, who is he to stop them? If they want to be alone-
He swallows around a lump that's been building in his throat. He's not supposed to be here. He's not supposed to see this. So he turns his back, and quietly opens the door as Jimin's moans grow louder. He makes sure they can't hear him when he slips outside.
He ends up back at his studio. Jin hyung has been setting limits on his time there, and Yoongi has tried to listen, but he has nowhere else to go. He can't go home. He doesn't want to interrupt, or make Jimin and Hoseok stop.
They want this. He thinks, and pretends his heart doesn't break a little more at the thoughts rushing into his head. They want to be alone.
And it gets worse. It gets worse as he sits there, waiting, trying to focus on his beats, trying to block the thoughts out with his music. He thinks that maybe this is a permanent thing. Maybe, maybe they don't want him around at all. Maybe they'd be happier without him. His breath catches in his throat and he stares blankly at his computer screen. He feels tears well up in his eyes.
Had he just not noticed before? Was there something wrong with him, did they not want him anymore? His lips slip into a hard line and he wipes his eyes furiously with the back of his hand. He should talk to them. But still he holds on to the thought that maybe he's wrong, maybe it's all just a misunderstanding. He returns to his work and doesn't check his phone, forgets about anything else, distracts himself. He doesn't let himself dwell on it. He's overreacting.
Yoongi loses track of time. He realizes when there's a knock on his studio door, the firm rapping of a hand against the wood, and he freezes. What if it's one of them? He doesn't know if he can face them, he's not ready, his throat closes up-
“Who is it?” He calls, hoarsely, and waits for a response.
“It's hyung.” Yoongi feels relief and dread fill his body at the same time. When was the last time he'd checked his phone? He's stayed past his limit, and Jin has come to fetch him. His mouth goes dry and his hands tremble. He's a disappointment, his hyung will be angry- he'd definitely forgotten his meds today.
“Yah. Yoongi-yah. Open the door.” And there is something tight in his hyung's voice, something that confirms his worries. He rises from his chair and unlocks the door, still trembling. He looks into Jin's eyes and immediately looks away when he sees the disappointment there, written on his face. His lips are turned down into a frown, eyes hardened.
“Have you checked your phone today, Yoongi-yah? Do you know what time it is?” Jin hyung asks, hands on his hips. Yoongi parts his lips, shuts them, shakes his head.
“What was that? I didn't hear you.” Yoongi shakes a little more, clears his throat.
“N-no. No, hyung.” He says, voice quiet, breath hitching in an almost-there sob. His eyes are downcast, staring at the floor, he swallows heavily.
“And why is that?” Yoongi looks up again, guilt fills him as he takes in Jin's raised eyebrow, pursed lips.
“I-” he starts, and he already decides he's not going to defend himself. He doesn't want to talk back to his hyung, to disappoint him any more than he already has. “I lost track of time. I don't have an excuse. I'm sorry, hyung.”
Jin seems to realize something is wrong when he hears how weak Yoongi's voice is, how his eyes are filled with guilt, and he takes a hold of his arm, pulling him outside of his studio.
“Yoongi-yah, did you forget something today?”
He asks, and his voice takes on a different tone.
“Ah,” Yoongi starts, and winces. “I forgot my meds, hyung, I'm sorry.” He's not sure what he's expecting. For Jin to frown, to yell at him maybe.
You deserve it. His brain tells him, and he believes it. Jin's lips purse again.
“It happens.” And his voice is softer. They walk.
“What time is it, hyung?” Yoongi asks eventually, on the way back to the dorm. His whole body fills with dread with every step he takes closer to home.
“It's eleven o'clock, Yoongi.”
Yoongi winces again. His hands tighten into fists at his sides as he curses himself in his head.
“I'm sorry hyung.” He says again, weakly. “I'll try harder.” And Jin just hums.
When they reach home, Yoongi stops outside the door, fidgeting. He doesn't want to go inside. Jin tugs on his arm a little, opening the door.
“Come on.” He says, and so Yoongi steps inside. His eyes land on the couch first, where his boyfriends were earlier, and immediately flit away. He doesn't want to look, doesn't want to remember. Jin hyung pulls him further inside. His next thought is that Jimin and Hoseok are nowhere to be seen, and his eyes widen as he realizes something.
Jimin and Hoseok share a room. There would have been multiple opportunities where he was not home, and they had the room to themselves. Enough times to break the rules several times over. Something defeated must settle across his face, because his hyung looks at him worriedly.
“Jiminie and Hope-ah have been waiting for you to get home.” He says, and Yoongi knows it's meant to soothe him, but it does the opposite. So he gulps and turns, and says,
“I'm tired, hyung. I'd rather sleep right now.”
Seokjin looks at him for a moment, then nods, and Yoongi sets off to their shared room. As he passes his boyfriends’ room, he pauses, listens to the giggling that sounds from inside. Something churns in his stomach again, bile rises up, but he swallows it down. He's overreacting. He forces himself to continue down the hall until he reaches his door.
When he enters, he goes straight to his bed, doesn't bother changing his clothes. He'll regret it in the morning, jeans aren't the most comfortable thing to sleep in. But right now he doesn't care. He closes his eyes and tries not to think about the couch and his boyfriends and the laughing. Were they laughing at him now and he just didn't know? He squeezes his eyes shut tighter and forces any and all thoughts out of his head. Then he waits for sleep to come.
The next day at breakfast, Jimin sits next to him. He pretends it doesn't bother him, tries to smile, but it comes across as more of a grimace. He pops his pills into his mouth and gulps them down with water and stays quiet when the others talk, pushing his food around on his plate. He doesn't end up eating very much.
“Hyung!” Jimin speaks up, grinning. Yoongi's heart hurts. “Hobi hyung and I are going shopping today, do you want to come with us?”
A small pain shoots through him as he looks between his boyfriends. Is that all he is? A second choice? He tries to convince himself otherwise, but his thoughts keep returning. So he smiles and shakes his head.
“Sorry Jimin-ah. Hyung is busy today.” He says, even though he has no plans.
They made plans without you. He reasons with himself. You're not hurting them.
He doesn't look at either of them for the remainder of the meal, and when they leave with no goodbye, he convinces himself that they just forgot.
They still love you. He tells himself. You're making things up. Somehow, though, every time he thinks it, he believes it less.
Jimin and Hoseok return home hours later when Yoongi has long since returned from his studio. He's sitting on the floor watching the television when the door opens. He can't bear to sit on the couch.
“Hyung?” He hears, and looks up to see Hoseok's confused face. His voice has something close to amusement in it. “What are you doing on the floor? The couch is right there.”
He doesn't get a chance to answer before Jimin is bursting through behind Hoseok and tackling Yoongi to the ground. He doesn't move. He doesn't dare even breathe.
“Hyung!” Jimin cries, and lurches forward to kiss him. Before Yoongi knows it, he's shoved Jimin off of him and onto the ground. He stands up abruptly, brushing his hands off on the sides of his jeans, and looks down into Jimin's hurt eyes.
“I don't feel so well.” He says, averting his gaze, and it's not exactly a lie. “I don't want you to get sick. Sorry Jimin-ah.”
Jimin's eyes brighten considerably.
“Aww, it's okay Yoongi hyung!” He chirps, standing up as well. “Get some rest!”
Yoongi tells himself that he really does feel sick, that he's not hiding anything from them, and walks down the hall to his room with his head down. He feels his boyfriends’ eyes on his back and curls into himself slightly, tells himself that he has nothing to worry about.
Why didn't he let Jimin kiss him? He can't stop thinking about Jimin's lips on Hoseok's, on his neck, bruised, and it doesn't make heat curl in his gut. No. He doesn't want those lips anywhere near his own right now.
They don't have a real conversation until a week later. Yoongi comes home again to the pair kissing on the couch, and though it's innocent this time, he can't help remembering the last time this happened. He hasn't been kissed or held since and he's lonely, but it doesn't feel right to be near them. This time, Jimin and Hoseok notice when he comes home.
“Hyung,” Hoseok says, and his face has a look of concern on it. Yoongi distantly realizes he must look terrible. He hasn't been eating or sleeping well, he gets up early to leave to the studio and doesn't come home til early evening. Any chance to be away from home, he takes. “Hyung, we miss you.”
Yoongi stares, and something ugly curls in his stomach and before he knows it, he's blurting,
“I want to change a rule!”
He surprises them, obviously, and also himself. He watches as their eyes widen, as they share a look between each other. Had they always done that? Had he just not noticed?
“Okay,” Hoseok says. “Which one? We should think about this.”
And Yoongi has. It's all he's thought about this past week. He doesn't want to burden them anymore, to make them feel guilty for something they obviously enjoy. His mouth opens and closes for a moment before he speaks.
“I want-” he starts. “We should be able to have sex with each other.” He watches their faces grow more confused. “Alone.” He adds. They still don't seem to get it. “In twos.”
Hoseok's lips part. “Oh,” he breathes. And is that relief that Yoongi sees in his eyes? He tells himself that it's for the best, that they want this.
“Okay.” Jimin speaks up. “Come here hyung.”
Yoongi steps closer, seats himself on the couch beside them. He doesn't belong here.
“We've missed you, hyung.” Jimin purrs, eyes hooded. His hand rests on Yoongi's thigh, stroking in circles there. Yoongi swallows heavily. “We've missed you a lot.”
Yoongi should feel aroused as Jimin's hand travels to his crotch, but instead he just feels sick. He closes his eyes so he doesn't have to look anymore.
“You've been so busy, hyung.” Jimin pouts, and Hoseok makes a sound of agreement, leaning over to kiss at Yoongi's neck. “We haven't done anything in a while.”
Yoongi swallows some more, squeezing his eyes shut, willing himself to be attracted to the lust in Jimin's voice. He's panting, but it's not in arousal. It's anxiety.
“Stop,” he croaks, when Jimin presses down. He opens his eyes to see his boyfriends’ faces twisted in confusion. “I don't- I'm not-”
“Hyung,” Hoseok says, questioning. “You were just talking about sex. Don't you want it?”
“I-” Yoongi says, breath coming faster. “N-no. I don't. I want-” He feels the tears coming and pulls out of their grip. It's suffocating him, drowning him, he needs to get out-
“I need to go.” He blurts, and makes his way to the door.
“Hyung!” Jimin calls, and Yoongi turns around. Jimin looks so confused. He's oblivious to Yoongi's own confusion and his hurting. “To where?”
Anywhere! Yoongi's mind screams. Anywhere but here. He doesn't answer.
“You can continue without me.” He says instead, pretends those words don't hurt him, pretends the idea of them doing something without him doesn't hurt him. “I don't mind.”
He does mind. Before they can say anything else, he's out the door. He closes it, and turns around, only to bump into Seokjin. He almost bursts into tears right then and there, but he manages to reel it in.
“Yoongi?” His hyung asks, confused. “Where are you going?” It's like he's daring him to say the studio. So Yoongi doesn't.
“For a walk.” He croaks, and pushes his way past.
And he does walk. He walks for what seems like hours, until it gets dark and the stars come out. He wanders around and then some, his thoughts racing. Why can't he just get it up? He's being stupid, and weak. Eventually, he finds himself in a park. He curls up on the nearest bench, and for the first time in several years, he cries.
It starts slow, with little hiccups and sniffles and turns into ugly, wrenching sobs pulled straight from his lungs. His heart feels broken, and he doesn't want to go home. He sits there for god knows how long until he calms down, and reaches into his pocket to find his phone. His heart drops when he realizes he left it on the couch.
He starts crying all over again. His bandmates must be so worried about him, and all he's thinking about is himself. No, not even that. He's thinking of Jimin and Hoseok together, kissing, fucking, laughing at him and his inability to be aroused by them, of the way they must think of him now, how little he must mean to them. He's still crying when he feels a presence beside him, when someone sits down on the bench next to him.
“Hyung?” It's Namjoon's voice. Yoongi looks up, and his face crumples at the sight of Namjoon's worried face.
“Joonie?” He sniffles, wiping his tears and snot with his sweater sleeve. “What are you doing here? H-how did you find me?”
“Jin hyung told me you left suddenly. He thought you would be at the studio, but we checked and you weren't there, and you weren't answering your phone-” He cuts himself off. “Hyung, what's wrong?”
Yoongi looks away, face falling into something blank.
“It's nothing, Joon-ah.” He says. “I'm just stressed. I can't get anything right. The music just won't come.”
He misses Jimin. He misses Hoseok. He misses holding them and cuddling and napping together on the couch-
That couch. Where he saw them the first time. He doesn't think he'll ever view it the same.
“It's alright, hyung.” Namjoon's voice says in his ear, and then he's being hugged. He hasn't been touched in any way for so long and it just feels so good. “It'll come eventually.”
When his dongsaeng pulls away, Yoongi does too. His tears have stopped.
“Hyung,” Namjoon adds on. “Jimin and Hoseok hyung worried about you. They thought they had done something wrong.”
And hadn't they? Yoongi doesn't know what to think anymore. He shakes his head anyway.
“It has nothing to do with them.” He lies. “I'm just feeling… Out of it.”
Namjoon looks like he believes him, and he pulls Yoongi up by his arm.
“Hyung,” he says softly. “Let's go home.”
Days pass. They turn into weeks and bangtan sees less and less of Yoongi. He holes himself away in his studio and goes out with friends from other groups and only comes home when he needs to. He rarely eats or sleeps and he barely ever is alone with Jimin and Hoseok. He can't bear to be.
One day, he's in his studio, and a knock sounds on the door. He sighs, and without thinking, opens it. It's Hoseok. His mouth opens slightly, and he looks away. Hoseok stares at him, stands there quietly, and Yoongi runs a hand anxiously through his hair.
“What is it, Hoseok-ah?” He asks, tone dejected. He does his best not to let his voice wobble.
“Yoongi, where have you been?” He asks, and Yoongi looks up at him. He scoffs.
“Working, isn't it obvious?” He doesn't mean to sound so snappish, it just comes out. Hoseok's eyes harden, and he steps into Yoongi's studio.
“Yoongi, come home.” He says, and it's not a plea. Yoongi steps back, hands trembling.
“I have to work, Hoseok.” He says again.
“You're always out with everyone else.” Hoseok accuses. “What about me and Jimin? Have you forgotten about us?”
Yoongi hasn't, although he's tried. All he does is remember. Was there ever a time when they really loved him? He stays quiet, and steps back again.
“You need to be punished, Yoongi-yah.” He hears, and his eyes snap up, going wide. Before he realizes, he's holding his hands up and turning away, closing his eyes.
“No.” He says, panicked, and Hoseok stops advancing towards him. It's silent for a moment, and then Yoongi continues. “Not today.”
Hoseok scoffs, and Yoongi slowly opens his eyes.
“If not today, when?” Hoseok asks, face twisted into a scowl. “You're never home.”
“I don't- I don't want to be punished.” At Hoseok's confused look, he adds, “At all.”
Hoseok's face turns to one of hurt, then anger.
“What's wrong with you?” He asks, voice rising. “You never kiss us, you never have sex with us, it's only me and Jimin doing that these days.”
Yoongi's face goes blank. He didn't expect them to actually do it. He figured he was giving them a chance, a chance to figure out that it wasn't right, that it wasn't-
A sudden anger flares up in his belly and his eyes snap up to meet Hoseok's.
“I don't need a reason to not want to have sex!” He yells, and his voice breaks on the last word. He's nowhere near tears, though. He's enraged. He steps forward, and this time it's Hoseok's turn to step back. His eyes have gone wide, his mouth is gaping.
“I don't need to say yes to you!” Yoongi continues, voice growing louder and louder. “It's my body!” He screams, advancing, watching Hoseok retreat. “I'm not a toy for you to play with!”
Hoseok's mouth opens and closes, and Yoongi quiets down.
“Go do that with Jimin.” He says, and turns back to his computer. He's only taken a few steps towards it when Hoseok speaks again.
“Yoongi, wait-” he tries, and Yoongi whips around.
“It's hyung.” He growls, grinding his teeth together. Hoseok blinks at him, disbelieving.
“What?” He asks, shocked. Since they've gotten together, Yoongi has rarely, if ever, made him or Jimin use honorifics. They only do it of their own volition.
“Call me hyung.” Yoongi says again, clearer. His throat is closing up, his anger rapidly disappearing. His eyes are stinging. “I'm older than you.” He adds, voice sounding more defeated than anything.
Hoseok stands there, silently, staring.
“Hyung,” he says, and Yoongi wants to cry. He doesn't want to be called that. He wants Hoseok to call him sweet things, and hold him, and kiss him, tell Yoongi that he loves him. When was the last time he'd told Yoongi he loved him?
“Hyung, are you-” Hoseok tries again, voice cracking. “Are you breaking up with me? With us?”
Yoongi looks away, tears brimming in his eyes. But he won't let Hoseok see him cry.
“Really, it's true?” Hoseok sounds so broken, so-
“What happened, hyung? What went wrong?” He asks, and Yoongi stays quiet. “Is there someone else?”
Yoongi doesn't answer. He doesn't have to, he tells himself. If that's what Hoseok wants to believe, if his faith in him is that little, let it be.
“I need some space.” He says, instead. Hoseok stares back at him, lips parted. He doesn't move.
Yoongi clears his throat, and forces himself to look into Hoseok's eyes.
“Out, Hoseok-ah.” And he's never kicked anyone out of his studio before, especially Jimin or Hoseok, because he loves them, and they love him- loved him. Did they really? Ever? Hoseok steps out of the studio, turns to face Yoongi one last time before he leaves. Before this all becomes real.
“Hyung, what do I tell Jimin?” Hoseok asks, and Yoongi swallows around his sadness, his guilt.
“The truth.” He says, and his face crumples. Hoseok reaches out to him, but Yoongi closes the door, locks it again. He waits until he's sure Hoseok has gone, and then slides down the door, tears falling freely down his face. He chokes around a sob, shoving his face in his hands, and wails.
All the anger that he'd felt has vanished and now he's just- sad. He can't believe it, what he'd said and done, all over a stupid rule. He thinks back to that day and cries harder, thinks about when they'd all first gotten together, confessed. He thinks about their first date, when they'd all gone out to dinner and Hoseok had gotten tipsy, and hardly a month later when they'd said their first i love yous. How did it all go so wrong? He stays there in his studio past the time he's supposed to, and pulls out his phone.
Jin hyung: where r u
Jin hyung: yoongi-yah
Jin hyung: hey
Jin hyung: don't make me come get u
He looks at the ceiling, briefly, before looking back down at his phone and typing out a message.
Yoongi: i'm not coming home tonight
He waits for an answer.
Jin hyung: why not?
Yoongi: i need some space from hoseok and jimin
Yoongi: i'll sleep at the studio
Jin hyung: did something happen?
Yoongi pauses for a moment before he gives in, tears still falling.
Yoongi: we broke up
Jin hyung: is that why hoseok came home looking upset?
Jin hyung: Jimin is crying in their room, too
Yoongi tries not to feel guilty. It's for the best. They don't love him. They're better off without him.
His phone rings. Seokjin's name flashes across the screen. Hesitantly, Yoongi picks up.
“Yoongi-yah.” Seokjin says, and Yoongi sighs. “What happened? Don't you love each other?”
Yoongi stays quiet for a moment.
“They broke a rule.” He admits, after a few seconds. His voice wobbles.
“When we first got together,” Yoongi can feel his throat closing up. “We set some rules. We would only have sex when we were all there. We would tell each other everything, communicate. We wouldn't keep secrets.” He's sobbing at this point, not caring that Seokjin can hear him.
“They had sex without me. I came home one day and they were- they were on the couch, and Hoseok said-” his voice cracks and he sobs again. “Hoseok said that I didn't have to know about it.”
There's silence on the other line.
“I couldn't say anything about it, I felt so guilty, like I was holding them back. If they wanted to do it without me, I didn't want to stop them. So I left.” He's crying harder than before, sniffling and hiccupping like the first time he'd cried over it.
“I didn't say anything, ever, but I couldn't stop remembering, I couldn't stop thinking that they didn't want me, that they were better off without me-”
“Yoongi, Yoongi-yah, that's not true, they love you.” Seokjin says. “You have to talk to them, they'll understand-”
“I can't.” Yoongi shakes his head, even though Jin hyung isn't there to see it. “I can't. I just- I need some space. I can't go home.”
There's another pause, and then Seokjin speaks up again.
“At least get a hotel.” He says. “I'll cover for you, but please get a proper bed to sleep in.”
Yoongi sniffles and coughs a little bit.
“Okay.” He says, voice shaky. “Alright.”
“I'll bring you some clothes and some dinner.”
“Okay.” He says again. “Thank you, hyung.”
He hangs up.
Yoongi stays at the hotel for four days. On the fourth morning, he wakes up to a frantic knocking on his door, and groans into his pillow. His eyes are puffy and red from crying for days, and his throat is sore. He stumbles out of bed and to the door in nothing but his robe, opening it.
His eyes harden when he sees Hoseok and Jimin behind it.
“What.” He says, and it's more of a statement than a question. “I said I needed some space.”
Then Jimin bursts into tears.
“Hyung!” He cries, lunging towards Yoongi, wrapping his arms around him. “Hyung, please, I'm sorry, we didn't, we would never, I swear.”
Yoongi's arms stay limp at his sides and he stares at Hoseok from where he stands in the doorway, chewing at his lip. His eyes are wet and it looks like he's been crying for some time.
“I saw you.” He says, and Jimin stiffens.
“What?” He asks, pulling away to look up at Yoongi with swollen eyes and a runny nose.
“I saw you,” Yoongi says again, throat closing up, tears gathering in his eyes. “On the couch, I saw you, I heard you, you didn't want me to know.”
He suddenly tenses up. He doesn't want Jimin touching him, on him, he can't. He pushes him away, rubbing at his skin and his robe to scratch the feeling of disgust off of him.
Jimin and Hoseok stand in the doorway, staring at him. He looks into their eyes and a tear runs down his face before he can stop it.
“Did you ever really love me?” He asks, body shaking with a sob. “Was it all just a joke? Were you playing with me?”
“Yoongi-” Hoseok starts, then hesitates. “Hyung.” He says again, quietly. Yoongi sobs again, scratching at the skin of his hands, wanting the feeling to go away. He feels used.
“Hyung, we didn't have sex.” Yoongi looks up at him, sees the tears running down his face. “I swear, honest. I'm so sorry. It was my fault, I suggested it, but we realized soon after how wrong it was. Then you changed the rule, and you were always gone, so-”
“You didn't need me.” Yoongi says, quietly, still crying. “You didn't want me, you never wanted me, I don't belong with you. You're better off with each other.”
“That's not true.” Jimin says, voice cracking. “That's not true, hyung, we love you, so much, we love you. We miss you and we're sorry.”
Yoongi sinks to the floor and he cries. He hasn't heard those words in a good month, and his heart shakes with every word that leaves their mouths. He feels them crouch beside him, wrap their arms around him, and he sobs into his hands.
“We love you, hyung, I'm sorry.” Hoseok murmurs, pressing a kiss to his hair. “I never meant to pressure you into anything, you were right to yell at me-”
“Don't call me that.” Yoongi cuts him off. Hoseok stares at him blankly. “Hyung. Don't call me that. It sounds… Wrong.”
Hoseok's face breaks into a tearful smile and he kisses Yoongi hard, his lips, nose, cheeks. Yoongi is crying and he feels loved and stupid at the same time. Jimin runs his fingers through his hair.
“I'm sorry.” Yoongi says, eventually. “If I had just told you how I felt, none of this would have happened. I broke a rule.”
He laughs, albeit bitterly. His nose is runny and he looks disgusting, he can't remember the last time he showered.
“I was afraid-” he starts, suddenly anxious. “I was afraid that you- that you didn't love me anymore.” He watches their faces fall, fill with sadness, and looks up to the ceiling, eyes filling with fresh tears.
“I thought- it's stupid, but the day after, I felt like a second choice.” He spits the last two words out like they disgust him. He doesn't dare look them in the eyes. “And then you didn't- you didn't even say goodbye. I got so, so worried and-” his voice breaks as he chokes back a sob.
“And I just kept telling myself it was for the best and that I shouldn't be keeping you from something you wanted to do.” Yoongi closes his eyes and buries his face in his hands, trembling. “Then after we changed it, you looked so relieved, and you wanted me but I couldn't-”
He feels ashamed admitting it.
“I couldn't get it up. All I could think about was that day, and the couch, and the secrets, and you hadn't told me.” He hears Jimin sniffle beside him and the hand in his hair tighten. “I felt like I just didn't belong, and so I tried to give you space, and I kept avoiding you and it hurt, it still hurts so much.”
He trembles behind his hands, letting out a small cry.
“I wanted- wanted you to love me, to tell me, to hold me and kiss me, but I couldn't be with you, because the rules- and I'm sorry I couldn't just-” His mouth forms words that don't come out. “get over it.”
He looks up at them, now, lets Jimin pull him into a hug and Hoseok smother him with kisses.
“I want-” He starts, eyes swollen with tears. “I want you to love me. I'm sorry I yelled at you, Hoseok. I'm sorry I put you both through this, I want to be loved, I'm sorry.”
Hoseok smoothes his thumbs across his cheeks, wiping his tears away. Jimin resumes stroking Yoongi's hair. And he does feel loved in this moment, no matter how hurt he is.
“Don't apologize, hyung.” Jimin speaks up, presses a kiss against his hairline. “We love you. You had every right to be mad.”
“I wasn't- I wasn't mad.” He says, looking between his boyfriends. “At first. I was just sad and I thought you would be better off without me-”
“We wouldn't.” Hoseok whispers. “We could never, it would never be the same. Yoongi, hyung,” And this time when he says it it isn't forced, and Yoongi feels a comfortable warmth flood his chest. “We need you. We love you and we want you to be with us, and stay in our lives. I'm so sorry that we ever made you think or feel differently.”
They sit in silence, huddled on the carpet of the hotel room. When Yoongi speaks up, his voice is small.
“I'm sorry for being insecure. And jealous.” He grimaces. “I never wanted to be. It isn't right- I love you, both of you, and I'm sorry I ever doubted you.”
They shush him, and take turns pressing gentle kisses into his skin.
“Let's take this to the bed.” Hoseok says, and Yoongi shudders. He doesn't feel ready for anything quite yet.
“I don't want-” Yoongi starts, feeling ashamed. “I don't feel up for doing anything right now. I'm sorry.” He whispers the last part, guilty.
But Hoseok and Jimin don't seem surprised, or disappointed. They just continue their loving ministrations and hold him close.
“Of course, hyung, we don't have to do anything until you're ready.” It's Hoseok who speaks again. “That wasn't my intention.”
His smile is soft, heart-shaped, warm like sunlight, and something in Yoongi's chest flutters.
“I missed this.” He admits, close to tears again. “I missed you.”
“We missed you too, hyung.” Jimin murmurs. “We'll make it up to you, we promise. You don't have to do anything until you're ready, until you forgive us.” He shares a look with Hoseok.
“And we can change the rule. It never felt right, without you. We don't want to do anything without you.”
Yoongi hesitates at this, bites his lip.
“I don't want to make you wait.” He says softly. “You shouldn't have to wait for me.”
“Yoongi,” Hoseok coos. “We want to. We want to wait for you. We wouldn't have it any other way.”
Yoongi blinks at them and he feels nothing but warmth, affection, love. All of his previous negative feelings are out the window.
“I've already forgiven you.” He tells them, his boyfriends, who he loves. “I might not be ready for sex, but I do forgive you. You don't have to wait for that. Do you… Do you forgive me?”
Hoseok and Jimin stare at him, and share a small smile.
“There's nothing to forgive.” Jimin says softly, pecking Yoongi on the lips.
“Alright now. Bed.” Hoseok says, hauling the other two to their feet. “I doubt any of us have gotten a good night's sleep in ages.”
They lead Yoongi to the bed, and he's hesitant at first, sending the both of them fleeting, wary looks, before ultimately deciding that he trusts them. They won't try anything he doesn't want them to. Hoseok and Jimin climb onto the bed with him and slip under the covers on either side, so that he's pressed comfortably between them.
He closes his eyes, and feels exhaustion start to take over. He feels his boyfriends shift to get comfortable, Jimin hooking a leg over his own and linking their hands. Hoseok presses Yoongi's back against his stomach and rests his chin on the shorter boy's shoulder. But before he sleeps, he needs to hear something.
“Will you say it?” He asks hesitantly, eyes opening a fraction. Jimin's lips part across from him, hair mussed. He looks angelic. Hoseok runs a hand through Yoongi's hair.
“Say what, lovely?” He asks, pressing his lips against Yoongi's neck innocently.
“Tell me you love me again,” Yoongi murmurs sleepily. “Please.”
Jimin moves first, closing the distance between them gently, their lips touching for a slow moment before he pulls away.
“We love you, Yoongi hyung.” He says softly.
“We love you, hyung.” Hoseok joins in, and this time Yoongi doesn't hate the honorific. It sounds comfortable and loving coming from his boyfriend's lips. “Truly.”
And Yoongi believes them. He heaves a sigh of relief and squeezes Jimin's fingers where they lie between his own.
“I love you too. Both of you.” And he does.
And there might be some fixing to do, some healing, but Yoongi knows that from now on, things will get better. Things will be alright.