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Idiots In Love

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You might think, because the detectives working at the DPD were all at least in their mid-twenties, that they'd be mature and work-orientated. However, you’d be wrong.

A day at the DPD was never dull. Especially not with Gavin and Nines around – the two ‘troublemakers' of the precinct. Who, coincidentally, were also dating.

 

Nines jumped out from behind the pillar by the break room, causing Gavin to jump and grip his plate tightly. Almost immediately, as if on instinct, Gavin clutched his chest and whined, “Ahh, stop! I could've dropped my croissant!”

Connor, who was walking by them, frowned, glancing down at the food on Gavin's plate. “Detective, that’s a bagel?”

Gavin rolled his eyes as his boyfriend snickered behind him. “Yeah, no shit, Sherlock.”

“But-"

Hank placed a hand on Connor’s shoulder. “Ignore Reed. He’s being a dumb millennial again.”

Gavin scoffed, flipping a finger in Hank's direction. “Shut up! You’re a fuckin’ millennial too!”

“Yeah, but I’m a classier one. You’re one of the fucked up ones.”

Nines laughed beside Gavin, earning him a sharp glare. “What? He’s got a point. You’re definitely not classy.”

Storming away, Gavin muttered a string of colourful insults to himself. The others just laughed, although Connor was still very confused. Hank was partially correct though; Gavin was a dumb millennial that loved to quote vines – even in his late thirties. Luckily for him, his android boyfriend had taken quite the liking to the old jokes too.

 

“Man, I love chicken strips." Gavin muttered, pulling a bag of said food out of the precinct's fridge. Tina snickered from where she was stood at the table, lazily scrolling through her phone.

Neither of them noticed Nines walking in, not until he almost screamed, “Fuck your chicken strips!”, causing Gavin to burst into a fit of laughter and drop his food on the floor.

“No! My chicken!”

Tina was chuckling, giving Nines a high-five as the android came to join her at the small table. He was smiling proudly, watching Gavin scramble to pick up his dropped food and salvage what hadn’t left the bag.

 

Gavin was scrolling through his phone, feet kicked up onto his terminal and humming an old tune to himself. Nines was typing something into the computer at his own desk, but he kept shooting fond glances across at his boyfriend.

Gavin seemed unaware of this. That, however, didn’t stop him from saying, “Ya know what? I love myself. Even though I look like a chicken nugget, I still love myself!”

Chris, sat at a nearby terminal, snorted.

Nines smiled, shaking his head at his boyfriend, who only just seemed to realise that he'd spoken aloud. His eyes widened, and he appeared to be about to speak again when Nines quickly leant across their desks and pressed a chaste kiss to his lips. “You’re a fucking dork. I still love you, though."

Blushing, Gavin laughed. “Shut the fuck up.” His tone was light, however, despite the seemingly harsh words. Nines smirked, going back to his work.

 

Nines walks into the bullpen only to be stopped by Gavin running up to him with a huge smirk and cupping his face – Nines notes how Gavin has to lean up to reach him, which he finds more than adorable. He doesn’t mention it, though. Gavin would get pissy if he did.

“It's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen in my life!” Gavin cries in an unusual voice.

Deadpan, Nines returns, “It’s watermelon inside a watermelon!”

Perhaps not expecting Nines to finish the quote, Gavin cracks up into a bright laugh. “Shit, baby.” And then he’s smashing their lips together in a sweet kiss, a groan coming from the terminal beside them.

“Gross...fucking made for each other, Christ.” Hank mutters, and Nines finds himself smiling into the kiss. Gavin responds by sliding his hands down to frame Nines' jaw, thumbs running along it soothingly.

When they separate, Gavin laughs at the absolutely baffled look on Connor’s face. Hank shakes his head at his partner, not bothering to explain Gavin and Nines' strange actions.

 

Arriving on scene of a murder investigation, Hank, Connor, Gavin and Nines all stepped out of their respective DPD vehicles – flashing their badges at the officers stood outside the house. It was late, gone 10pm, and the crime had just been reported.

Gavin and Nines headed straight for the body of the victim, examining any evidence surrounding it, whilst Hank and Connor decided to gather any signs of a struggle from around the home. When Connor predicted that there had been a fight between two people, Hank jotted it down and walked to join their colleagues so they could be filled in.

What he didn’t expect, was to hear Nines say, “You either kill yourself or get killed.”

“Whatcha gonna do?” Gavin sang, dancing ridiculously beside the victim’s body whilst Nines beatboxed.

Shaking his head, and cursing his stupid brain for immediately knowing the vine that they were referencing, Hank sighed. “Fucking idiots.”

He couldn’t not laugh, however, when poor, innocent Connor stood beside him with his LED flashing red. “This is- ...this is a murder scene.”

 

They were taking a quick break - Gavin, Nines and Connor – the three of them sat around a terminal. Gavin was sat cross-legged in his chair, Nines perched on the desk beside him, and Connor swivelling in the other chair opposite them.

“Okay, so, cut a long story short, I put a whole bag of jelly beans up my ass.” Gavin blurted out when there was a lull in conversation.

Connor felt his LED whir from blue to a dangerous red. “Gavin...What the fuck?”

Gavin was biting his lip, smiling with a glint of undeniable mischief in his eyes. “It’s been 24 hours and I ain't found nothing yet.”

Nines placed a hand on Gavin’s shoulder, having to lean forward to hide his laugh. Connor frowned, confused when Gavin burst into laughter too. Neither of them would explain it, and when Connor later questioned Hank about it all he got was another fit of giggles. He was starting to doubt whether he’d ever fully understand his friends.

 

“What the fuck is up, Kyle? No, what did you say? What the fuck, dude? Step the fuck up!” Gavin shouted as he strolled into the bullpen one morning. Nines was walking behind him, biting his lip but clearly laughing.

Connor looked up from his terminal, scowling. “Who's Kyle?”

Hank groaned, running a hand down his face.

“Reed, shut the fuck up! It’s not even 10am, I can’t be dealing with your shit.” Gavin just slapped Hank on the back with a cheery smile.

“Lighten up Lieutenant! It’s a beautiful morning!”

Hank scoffed, “It’s fucking Monday.”

Gavin merely shrugged and flopped into his own chair, swinging his legs onto his desk with a shit-eating grin. Nines rolled his eyes but was smiling at his boyfriend. Connor would think they were cute, if his ‘brother' didn’t have to be so crude. “Yeah, but I sucked Gav off in the shower earlier so it’s a good Monday morning.”

Hank gagged, throwing Nines a disgusted look. Gavin flushed an embarrassed red before a barely noticeable smirk appeared on his face. “What the fuck, Richard?”

At that, whilst Nines laughed, Hank banged his head against his desk. “I don’t even know now if that was all just for another dumb quote or whether Nines was still being serious.”

“Oh no, I was being deadly serious.” Nines informed them, but his voice was playful. Hank groaned again, squeezing his eyes shut.

“I didn’t say that I wanted to know!” However, Nines simply shrugged before starting up his computer.

 

Gavin was throwing papers around, frantically searching for a report file that he’d apparently lost. Nines was sat watching him, screeching, “When will you learn? When will you learn that your actions have consequences?”

The words must have been another quote, Connor figures, because next thing he knows Gavin is sitting on the floor with his head in his hands – body shaking with laughter. Connor notices Fowler looking out from his office, shaking his head at the two detectives. He doesn’t shout at them though.

Connor guesses it’s because Fowler would much rather Gavin be laughing than shouting and screaming. He has to say, he agrees.

A victorious cry comes from Hank, who pulls out a file from under a pile of his and Connor's own reports. “I found it!” he said, throwing it across to Nines, who catches it with a nod of thanks. Gavin is still laughing, wiping his eyes as he rises from the floor to sit in his chair. Hank shakes his head, but Connor sees the fond smile on his face. “Literal children...”

 

It’s lunch break, and Gavin saunters into the break room to find Nines stood with his back to him. Smirking, Gavin wraps his arms around his boyfriend's waist and tilts his head up to rest it on the android's shoulder. “Hey babe,” he whispers, still loud enough for Hank and Tina (who are stood at the table) to hear, “Do we have any ‘fr e sh a voca do’?”

Nines splutters, nosing at Gavin's cheek with a warm smile.

Hank throws his mug down, lifting his hands up in surrender as he walks away. “I'm done. I’m fucking done.”

Nines laughs at their friend before spinning himself around in Gavin’s arms and pressing a lingering kiss to his lips. Gavin hums in delight, leaning up into the touch as he deepens the kiss.

Tina, leant against the table, points at them. “Is that allowed? Is- Is that allowed?”

Nines pulls away from Gavin to glare jokingly at Tina. “Stop.” he says, causing her to laugh. Gavin joins her, giggling into Nines’ chest and shaking his head.

From across the bullpen, they hear Hank shout, “Don’t fucking encourage them, Tina!”

 

Gavin flopped rather unceremoniously onto his boyfriend's lap, arms draped over Nines' shoulders and wearing a childish pout. “Nines! Hank called me ugly!” he whined, burying his face into the android's neck.

Nines frowned, glaring over at Hank. “Bitch where?”

Gavin’s muffled laugh could be heard from across the bullpen and Hank sighed in defeat. “I give up...”

 

Walking in alongside Nines, Connor scanned the bullpen. Their colleagues were all working – well, somewhat so; they weren’t known for being quiet so it sounded rather rowdy. To anyone that worked here, however, it was nothing out of the ordinary.

Nines gestured to their colleagues, quirking an eyebrow as he looked to Connor. “Look at all those chickens!”

Connor froze, LED blinking red to yellow to red again. He shot Nines a puzzled look, glancing back to the DPD officers. “Chickens?”

However, Nines didn’t offer an explanation, walking to his terminal with an amused smirk. Connor scowled. He genuinely didn’t understand the humour of so-called vines – no matter how many times Hank had tried to explain them to him.

 

Gliding on his wheelie-chair, Gavin slid over to Tina’s terminal. His friend looked up at him with a questioning raise of her eyebrows, taking a sip of the gross orange and carrot juice she seemed to love so much.

“What’s up, dickhead?”

Gavin rolled his eyes, but smiled – a toothy, malicious smile. “I spilt lipstick in your Valentino bag.”

Tina gasped, fighting back a smile as she acted annoyed. “You spilt lipstick in my Valentino white bag?”

Chris chuckled from his terminal, shaking his head at them whilst Connor paused as he walked by and shot Gavin a puzzled look.

“You wear lipstick, Detective Reed?”

Tina choked on a laugh, clutching her stomach just at the thought. Gavin was about to tell Connor to ‘fuck off’ when he felt strong arms snake around his shoulders and lips press to the top of his head.

Nines hummed from behind him. Where had he come from?

“Only on special occasions.” his boyfriend told Connor, and Gavin cried out in useless protest as he swatted the android away. Tina lost it, cackling beside him. Even Chris was laughing more now. Connor, however, looked even more confused than before.

 

Nines rose from his chair, only to be stopped by his boyfriend grabbing his wrist and tugging him back. “Ey, where ya going?” Gavin questioned, brows furrowed.

Rolling his eyes, Nines pulled his arm away from Gavin’s grasp. “Why you need to know? Always in my pussy, boy.” From his terminal, Hank audible choked on his coffee, laughter spilling from his mouth as he shook his head. Nines smirked, glad to finally have amused the Lieutenant for once.

In front of him, Gavin was clearly trying his best not to laugh.

Patting his boyfriend's shoulder gently, Nines smiled. “I’m going to the evidence room to see if any of the stuff there can help the case. Get your ass moving. I’m not waiting all day for you.”

Grumbling, Gavin pushed himself out of his chair as he followed closely behind him. “That’s not what you said last night.” he muttered.

“TMI, Gavin! TMI!” Hank cried, face scrunched up at the two of them. Nines had to bite back his smirk, trying desperately hard not to retort to either of the men.

 

“I shaved my eyebrows.” Gavin sang.

From across the bullpen, Tina immediately responded with, “Why did you do that?”

“I don’t know.”

“Idiots. Actual idiots.” Hank complained, walking past them both on his way to the break room. If he thought that was the end of it, he was dead wrong; as he returned to his terminal ten minutes later they were at it again.

Only, this time, it was Nines.

“Eyebrows on fleek, da fuck?”

Gavin snickered into his hand, Tina snorting at Nines. Hank shot them all a disbelieving look. “Who even says ‘on fleek' anymore?”

An exaggerated gasp left Gavin as he clutched his chest and pretended to look hurt. “My boyfriend does!” he cried, gesturing to Nines who was clearly trying not to laugh. Staring up at the ceiling, Hank shook his head and left them to it.

 

Nines stepped into the break room to find Hank and Gavin shouting in each other's faces about the correct way to make a cup of tea. Whilst Hank said you put the milk in first, Gavin seemed personally offended by this suggestion and was screaming that the milk goes in last.

This was an on going argument of many years, Nines already knew this. There was never a solution or compromise. The two men would just randomly start arguing about it until someone split them up.

Since nobody else was in the room, Nines figured that job fell to him today. Deciding on the best way to shut their pointless argument down, Nines cut between them and shouted, “Excuse my potty mouth...shut the fuck up!”

An effective diffusion, apparently; Hank and Gavin both simultaneously wheezed out a laugh as the bent over, having to clutch onto Nines to steady themselves. The argument was forgotten...for now.

 

From over Gavin’s shoulder, Nines watched as Tina chucked a ball of paper at the back of his boyfriend’s head. Gavin didn’t even bother turning around, merely shouting across the bullpen, “Whoever threw that paper, your mom's a hoe!”

A quiet ripple of laughter erupted amongst the officers present, and Gavin wore a noticeably proud smile as he continued finishing the report that he was currently working on. Nines locked eyes with Tina, sending her a teasing smile.

“It was Tina.”

Gavin briefly glanced up to meet his eyes, smiling wider. Tina cried out from behind him, “Hey! I thought we were friends!”

Hank scoffed from his seat, “Never trust a tin-can. They’re sneaky fuckers.”

Gavin huffed a laugh at that, nodding his head. Nines smiled; he wasn’t going to disagree.

 

“I thought you were bae...” Gavin said, pouting at Nines when he approached him. “Turns out you’re just fam.”

Nines reached a hand out to his boyfriend, who was just a step too far away. “Bro...”

Hank shook his head, watching them with a incredulous look. “How are you two still fucking dating?” Nines merely shrugged as Gavin laughed.

 

Tapping a rhythm on his desk, Gavin ignored his work in favour of singing, “Is there anything better than pussy? Yes, a really good book.”

Nines didn’t even look up from his terminal, “Or my dick.”

Gavin stopped tapping, snorting and covering his mouth before any more sounds could come out. His eyes were wide, and Nines could see the smile in them from where he was sat. Hank shouted at them to shut up, but Gavin was still shaking with silent laughter long after he went back to his work.

 

The bullpen was unusually silent – save for the constant tap of fingers on keyboards as everyone actually focused on their work for once. Nines found it rather unsettling.

He glanced around at the officers, noticing Gavin staring blankly at his screen with a deep frown on his face.

Quietly, hardly loud enough for many people to hear him, Nines whispers, “I smell like beef...”

But that’s all it takes for his boyfriend to lose it, dropping his head onto the desk and falling into an uncontrollable fit of laughter. Those that hadn’t heard what Nines had said were sending them both extremely confused looks, which only seemed to amuse Gavin further. It took over five minutes for the man to settle down, gasping for breath and wiping fresh tears from his eyes.

“I fuckin’ love you,” he said between breaths, shaking his head at Nines with a fond smile. Nines returned the look, leaning over their desks to brush his lips over Gavin's before anyone could tell them to stop.

 

“Baby, you want some?” Gavin asked, passing Nines a bottle of thirium from the fridge.

Nines smiled gratefully at him before noticing that the bottle was opened already. “This bitch empty, yeet!” he cried, throwing the bottle across the break room until it landed perfectly in the bin. Gavin was laughing at him, whilst Tina was clapping her hands. Connor looked confused, as always, but decided not to question them.

 

When the first of December rolls around, it’s only expected that there’d be excitement amongst the DPD officers. Most of them loved the holiday season. Even Connor adored it.

However, whilst Connor was all for wearing silly jumpers and decorating the precinct, he didn’t understand why his friends walked in to the building shouting random greetings to each other.

“Happy crimus!” Gavin cheered, wrapping some red tinsel around Tina's neck with a cheerful grin.

“Merry chrysler!” Tina giggled.

“It’s chrismun!” Nines joined in, putting bobble-head snowmen on everyone's desks. He too had some tinsel draped around his neck, presumably the work of Gavin.

Hank flopped into his chair opposite Connor. “Merry crisis!” he smiled, taking a swig of coffee.

Connor fixed them each with a puzzled look, “Guys...what the fuck?”.

 

It was suspiciously quiet in the precinct. Not that many people were in, and Gavin and Nines seemed to have disappeared into the break room. Everyone had learnt, from past experiences, not to follow them in there.

However, it seemed that they had different things on their minds today when Gavin jumped into the bullpen holding a bag of lemons.

“Well, when life gives you lemons!” he shouted, waving the fruit around. Behind him, Nines began singing the Thomas The Tank Engine theme tune, with a deadpan facial expression.

Tina began laughing from her terminal. Hank sighed, face-palming hard enough for the slap to resound through the bullpen.

“Guys, seriously. Shut the fuck up.”

“Nah,” Gavin smirked, dropping a loose lemon in front of Hank and sauntering off. Nines was laughing, watching his boyfriend’s hips sway as he walked. “Nines! I can literally feel your eyes on my ass. Stop!”

A static snort left the android and he followed his boyfriend back into the break room. A crashing sound could faintly be heard, presumably the bag of lemons falling to the floor. Everybody steered clear of the room until the two partners emerged again another ten minutes later, looking significantly more dishevelled than usual (even by Gavin's standards).

 

Walking into the break room to find Gavin eating a candy bar, Nines stops in front of his boyfriend and places his hands on his hips. “Put that candy back, I’m not buying you all that!”

Gavin tittered, throwing the half-eaten snack at Nines – aiming for his smug face.

However, Nines caught it easily, quirking a challenging eyebrow at Gavin. “Try me bitch.”

Gavin stepped closer, lips twitching into the beginning of a smirk. He strokes his thumb over Nines' cheek, hooking two fingers under his chin and pulling him down to his level. Nines leant into the touch, eyes sliding shut as he felt warm lips press against his in a heated kiss.

A tongue teased along his lower lip, asking for permission – something which Nines happily allowed, parting his lips and moaning when a hot tongue ran over his own. It was only when Nines went to grab at Gavin's hips, submitting to the man’s mouth, that his boyfriend pulled away.

Red-kissed lips hovered by his ear, teeth grazing the shell of it and causing a shudder to run through Nines. “Now who’s the bitch?”

And then Gavin was leaving, strolling out of the break room with a shit-eating grin and a cock of his hips as he walked. Nines growled under his breath, following after the man and sending him murderous looks for the rest of their shift – which only proved to amuse Gavin further.

 

The four of them are in the observation room, glaring out at the criminal handcuffed to the table of the interrogation room. Hank is sat in a chair, leant back with his arms crossed. Gavin is leaning against the wall furthest from the door, beside his boyfriend. Connor is stood behind Hank. They’re waiting for the go ahead to enter the interrogation room.

“What’s worse than a rapist?” Gavin growls, shooting daggers through the two-way mirror. It’s a wonder the perp can’t feel the hostility through the wall.

Nines, sensing his partner's clear tension, tries to lighten the mood. “A child.”

It’s quiet for about a second before both Hank and Gavin are bursting into laughter, Gavin leaning his head on Nines' shoulder and patting his arm – grateful for the distraction. Nines smiles down at the smaller man, running a hand through his hair and pressing a light kiss to his head as he snickers.

Connor, however, is appalled. Staring at the other android with wide eyes, he gasps. “Nines, no!”

That only cracks them all up again, Hank slapping his thigh with a loud snort and Gavin having to clutch Nines' shirt as he laughs harder than before. When Chris comes in to let them know it’s time to start the interrogation, he looks just as confused as Connor – who can only shrug at their colleague, puzzled by his friends' behaviour.

 

“Bop it. Twist it. Pull it.” Gavin sings, dancing in the middle of the bullpen as Nines makes strange sound effects from his terminal.

Hank frowns over at them, “How the fuck are you two detectives?”

Gavin flips him off, chuckling when Nines makes a frighteningly realistic sound effect of the old toy. Hank shakes his head, turning back to the report he was finishing up.

When Fowler's office door opens, he isn’t surprised to hear the Captain shout, “Richard. Gavin. Get the fuck back to work before I sack both your asses!” The two idiots do as they’ve been told, but their laughter can still be heard long after Fowler slams his door shut again.

 

Gavin's leant against Hank’s desk, arms crossed as he listens to the Lieutenant complain about some old woman that took the last of his favourite beer from the shop last night. “All five fucking cans! Why? I had to buy that shitty value stuff!”

Suddenly, Nines appeared beside them both. The two men looked at him, waiting for him to speak.

When his signature smirk appeared across the android's face, they knew to expect something ridiculous. Gavin was already biting his lip.

“So I was sitting there, BBQ sauce on my titties.”

Somehow that wasn’t at all what Gavin had been expecting, dropping to the floor as he clutched his stomach and rolling at their feet. Tears of laughter fell down his face as he struggled to breathe. Hank was trying really hard not to laugh, but he lost his composure when Nines locked eyes with him – steely blue shimmering with humour. Slapping his desk, Hank threw his head back and laughed.

Opposite him, Connor looked lost; his LED blaring an insistent crimson red.

 

It was a wonder how Gavin still had his job. Once again, Hank found himself questioning this fact as he witnessed the younger man jump out from under his terminal and point a (luckily unloaded) gun at Nines.

“You ready to fucking die?” Gavin screamed, cocking his gun at his boyfriend.

Nines squared up to Gavin, tilting his head. “I’m a bad bitch, you can’t kill me!”

There was something about Nines' tone of voice that somehow managed to amuse Hank, and despite himself he started laughing at the two idiotic detectives. Gavin threw him a smug smile, dropping the gun onto his desk. Perhaps Fowler kept them around for their amusement.

Though, he knew they were both very good at their job too. They just weren’t always as serious as the rest of them. Maybe that wasn't a bad thing.

 

“I love you, bitch.” Nines sang, stepping into the break room where Gavin and Tina were sharing a cookie.

Gavin chuckled, slapping a hand over his heart and gasping in fake surprise. “Oh my God!”

“I ain’t ever gonna stop loving you. Bitch.”

Tina pretended to wipe tears away, “Beautiful. True love right there.”

Nines smiled at her before leaning down to steal a kiss from his boyfriend. Gavin muffled something inaudible against his lips, giving up and melting into him with a hidden smile. They ignored the ‘aww' from Tina.

 

“You are my dad,” Gavin sang, walking up behind Hank. “You’re my dad! Boogie-woogie-woogie!”

Hank was shaking his head in dismay, pushing Gavin away with a laugh. “Please...why?” he complained, but Gavin merely shrugged and flopped into his chair, throwing his feet onto the terminal.

Connor looked between them with great confusion. “But- How?”

Hank bit his lip, shaking his head and waving Connor off. “Don’t question it, Con. He’s an idiot.”

“Rude.” Gavin scoffed. “That's homophobic.”

Rolling his eyes, Hank pushed Gavin’s feet off of his terminal. “Not everything against you is homophobic, Reed.”

Swivelling in Hank’s chair, Gavin met his eyes. “I disagree.” There was no arguing with the idiot; Hank had learnt that years ago. Instead, he sighed and wheeled Gavin out of his way, grabbing a spare chair to sit at his desk and actually get some work done.

 

Gavin was leaning against Nines’ desk, looking at something that the android was pointing out on his computer screen. Tina walked past, grinning widely.

“Two bros, chilling at a terminal, five feet apart ‘cuz they’re not gay.”

Instantly, Gavin burst into laughter and threw a smile over his shoulder at Tina. But his smile soon disappeared when two arms wrapped around his waist and he was suddenly yanked onto his boyfriend's lap.

“Hey!” the man whined, swatting lightly at Nines' chest but not making any attempt to move.

“I think you’ll find we're very gay,” Nines wiggled his eyebrows at Tina, and she snickered as she walked back to her terminal.

“Fuckin' dork.” Gavin complained, but he leant into Nines regardless, pulling him in for a deep kiss until someone shouted at them to ‘get a room’. He still remained seated on Nines' lap for the rest of their shift.