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I Can't Believe Those Bitches Made Me Write This

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I have done a lot of crazy shit for Tony, but this might just be the most extreme, thought Pepper as she kneeled on the cold hard floor of the throne room before the very tall ugly alien.

“Come closer, child,” he rumbled in a not-unpleasant voice that sent shivers down her spine. “My cock rises and your lips to meet it.”

She took an unwelcome look at the thing he’d pulled from his golden robes and was pleased to see his dick looked human-ish. Aside from the color, which was a bluish grey like the rest of him.

And if his head was bald, his balls definitely weren’t.

But Pepper had plenty of experience with hairy balls.

If she had time later, maybe she would recommend a good groomer. It had been remarkably easy to convince Tony to start manscaping, after all.

She pondered briefly, thumbing through her mental files of names and skills and compatible traits in search of who might be the best person for the job of waxing this alien’s enormous hairy balls. And taint.

Everyone should get that shit waxed, for sure.

Snoke cleared his throat and held up a massive, clawed hand.

Right. Time to suck some alien boss dick.

She scooted closer and mused upon the events that brought her to this place…

Admittedly, it wasn’t the smartest thing ever to put on one of Tony’s Iron Man suits and try to chase after him. But she never claimed to be the smart one. That was all Tony.

She was the pretty one. The efficient one. The one who had the whole “taking care of her employer” down to an art form. Definitely the one who could always find the bright side to just about anything.

It really started because of that phone call. Pepper had a dreadful feeling Tony had entangled himself in yet another super-galactic mega-plot that could potentially destroy the universe and, even worse, their dinner plans.

She really just wanted him to make their 8:00 reservations. That restaurant had been tough to get into, even for someone as famous as Tony Stark. 

So, she’d already basically had the suit on when she’d called him.

Besides. Maybe she wanted to have an adventure, too.

Tony got to have adventures all the time; he always ended up getting sucked into alien ships in space, and it seemed like he kind of enjoyed it. Maybe it was her turn for a change.

So, right before his call got cut off, she used her GPS to fly after him. Only things hadn’t exactly gone according to plan.

She had not planned on getting sucked into an inter-dimensional time portal, nor had she planned on being almost immediately picked up and disarmed and brought before this strange alien whom everyone referred to simply as “Supreme Leader” but who introduced himself  quite graciously as Snoke.

She hadn’t planned on being stuck at the receiving end of a mouthful of alien jizz, either, but that was the least of her problems. Her main problem being of course, finding Tony, figuring out how to get back to the inter-dimensional time portal, and deciding on what to wear for dinner. Oh. And doing her hair.

Up-do? Or down?

She really hadn’t thought this through at all.

“Um. I know this seems rude and all, but I’m really just looking for my boyfriend and I’m kind of in a bit of a time crunch,” Pepper said.

Snoke nodded agreeably.

She eyed his warped countenance and piercing gaze with a gimlet eye, wondering how to hurry things along.

He looked a little threatening, but maybe that was just because he wasn’t all that attractive. Poor guy.

However, Snoke seemed pretty reasonable, all things considered.

And even better? He agreed to help her find Tony as long as she agreed to “help his one-eyed space worm unload some Snoke-juice.”

She assumed that meant sex of some kind, and she wasn’t wrong.

Look on the bright side, she told herself, this definitely counts as an adventure, right?

“We really need to make this quick, I’m expecting my apprentice and his girlfriend soon,” Snoke murmured, threading his large fingers through her hair. His pointy claws scraped her scalp, and it was not unpleasant, although Pepper found herself mildly concerned.

Those fingernails looked a little like they might have some fungus problems… Is fingernail fungus a thing in space? Because they looked like –

She definitely knows a guy who can help with that…

Oh, shit, pay attention, Potts. It’s showtime.

She took Snoke's large, throbbing, veiny, blue-grey member into her mouth, pleased that unlike the rest of him, this part of him was smooth and not covered with cavernous wrinkles and scars.

She slobbered a little and groaned theatrically.

Snoke seemed like the kind of guy who liked a bit of a show, what with the sparkly gold robes and red curtains and armed guards everywhere.

In fact. All of this kind of reminded her of Tony, just a bit.

Snoke growled with pleasure and lifted his hips rhythmically against her mouth.

Yep. This whole place kind of screamed Drama Queen, actually, if she really thought about it. Just like Tony.

That thought comforted her a bit as she realized she might just have a type: Megalomaniacs who are into lots of red and gold and having their dicks worshipped…

Huh. What a time for self-discovery, Pepper.

“Give me everything…” Snoke moaned, and his face contorted into a mask of agonized bliss.

She pulled back at the last second, not sure if alien spooge was, like, bad for humans to swallow. Plus, she didn’t want to ruin her appetite and the clock was still ticking on those dinner reservations.

He closed his eyes and let go, mouth gaping into an “O” as his so-called space worm erupted a stream of goo all over his robes.

Pepper knew a guy who could probably get those stains out…

Snoke’s breathing returned to normal and he muttered, “Well done, young lady. I am well and truly relaxed now.”

Pepper stood and wondered if Snoke knew he had a hole in his face. She definitely knew some people who could help with that, too.

She added “plastic surgeon” to her ever-growing mental list of services Snoke desperately needed…between the waxing and the manicure and the dry-cleaning and getting the hole in his face patched up, she could have him looking spiffy in no time at all.

Pretty much the only thing she couldn’t fix would be like, if he got cut in half or something. But anything else, she could definitely help with. She was sure of it.

She wondered if maybe she should stick around for a while and help this guy out.

If she were being totally honest with herself, Tony was probably not going to make it to dinner. And Snoke needed a lot of assistance.

And Pepper knew she would be great at doing whatever Mr. Snoke required.