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Barney Miller - Wojo Comes Over

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Barney Miller
Jules Tyler

Okay, I was in my apt. doin’ the dishes. I had my walkman on my head, and Eddie Murphy in the casette, so I couldn’t hear anything. I was monologuing along w/”The barbeque”, and the water was going, so I couldn’t hear anything. Little did I know what was going to happen.

I was washing a pot with burnt potatoes stuck to the bottom, when I felt a gun being put to my back. The person turned off the walkman, and pulled the phones off my head. He put me in a head lock and kissed the top of my head. “I <3 u” he said. It was Wojo.

He let me go and I turned to face him. “Put that thing away!” I said pointing at the gun. I looked at it a little more closely. “A water pistol?” He squirted me w/it. I turned around, got some water and suds, and threw them in his face. We had a water fight until he ran out of water. “How did you get in here?” I asked when things calmed down.

“The miracle of Mr. Stickpin.”

“Mr. Stickpin?”

He showed me a stick pin and the sales pitch unfolded. “Yes, it’s Ronko’s amazing Mr. Stickpin. You can stick with it, prick with it, play a dirty trick with it, put it on your teacher’s chair. Guaranteed not to rust, bust, bend, or break, and it will cut a cow in half.”

“In other words, you picked my lock.”

“Elementary my dear Watson.” He put his arms around my waist, and I put my arms around his neck.
“You and Eddie seem to be doing real well. How’s Uncle Gus and Aunt Bunny?”

“Gus burnt down my back yard and Bunny fell down the steps. Again.”

“Somethin’s gotta be done about those two….You realize I’ve never been in your apartment before, don’t you?”

“Yeah. Why?”

“Well, can I have a tour?”

“Sure. Why not?” My house is pretty elaborate. I have a pit sofa, a coffee table, a lamp, and a tv crammed into a 10’x12’ living room, there’s a fridge, microwave, sink, stove, oven, a bunch of cabinets, an ample amount of counter space in the kitchen. The bathroom isn’t too thrilling. My bedroom is really cool. The walls are done in chequerboard black and white w/three framed posters from them. 1 Bruce Springsteen, 1 Huey Lewis & the News, and the one I saw at Biondo’s the other day. There’s an elaborate stereo system set up, and the speakers are on either side of the room. The one dresser is covered by a boom-box, a mini-box, and an array of stuffed animals. The 8’ book shelf has three shelves of books, three shelves of stuffed animals, and two shelves of miscellanious crap. The closet is crammed with a bunch of clothes, 95% of which I don’t wear anymore. The desk has a typewriter and a bunch of papers on it, and on the chair of the desk sits a 1’6” tall overstuffed penguine with a fedora on it’s head, a pin attached to the hat that reads, “Trust me, I’m a dr.” The bed ha chequerboard sheets and comforter to match the wall, and on the posts rest three hats [one on each of three] and on the 4th, a bunch of bandanas, 2 ties, a scarf, a spiked belt. On the nightstansd next to the bed is a lamp, a clock, six bottles of nail polish, hand cream a 2” statue of a mouse, a handmade by, my jewelery, watch, nail polish remover, a file, nippers,a nail file, blistex, a small picture of Opus, and on the bottom shelf was a huge Mickey Mouse telephone.

“Pretty impressive,” Wojo said flooping down on the bed. “Woah! A waterbed! Pretty classy. How much difference does it make when you’re making love?”

“Ya know, I don’t know. I’ve never made love in this apt.”



“We’ll just have to change that, won’t we?”



“Yeah. Wonton is not now backwards. I am expecting a very important call.” Just then the phone rang. I picked it up, listened and said “Twins? You’re kidding?...Mary & Mason?...Oh, okay. I’ll call her later then. Thanks Brandon. Bye.”


“My baby sister just had twins. Boy and girl.” I hugged him. “Now it’s Miller Time.”

“I brought a ‘pac-6’ from the kitchen to the bedroom. “Now we can see how much difference a waterbed makes.”

[Made a hell of a difference.]