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Barney Miller - A cross-dressing cop

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Character: Jaqui Tyler (Cybil Sheppard)

I was arrested in a drug bust. (Fun, huh?) I was disguised as a guy. My hair was tucked under my hat, I plastered on a fake moustache, I was wearing black denims, reebok hightops, a black oxford, a white jacket like Benny’s on “Shadow Chasers”, my white fedora, sunglasses like in “Risky Business”, and I only had one earring in my left ear. All my jewlery was in my jacket pocket. This guy, (I presumed was Wojo becos that’s what they called him) really treated me roughly. Saying, “You think you’re so tough selling drugs to high school kids do you?” He took the cuffs off me, and sat me down in the chair.

Captain Miller came out of his office and saw me there. I didn’t know the dectives, but I knew him. “Wojo,” he said. “Are you aware you have just arrested a police officer?”

“This guy’s a drug dealer, Barn.”

“This ‘guy’ is a girl, and she’s working under cover. Jaqui?”

I took off the moustache and hat and let my hair fall to my shoulders. I fluffed up my hair and took off my glasses. Then, I put my fedora back on. I stood up, looked Wojo in the eyes, rested my weight on my left heel, and crossed my arms over my chest. Wojo’s eyes went wide. “Thank you Detective Wojo. This was my once chance to get a promotion to detective, and you blew it.”

I paced in front of him as my story unfolded. “Captain Miller asked me if I would do this assignment becos he heard I knew my way around the school. He asked me if I minded dressing up like a man. ‘Nah’ I said. ‘I’ve done it before when I was acting, why not now?’ I was doin’ good there, I was just about to arrest them, when I hear ‘Freeze! NYPD!’ The two kids I was sellin’ to ran out of sight and I get arrested by a member of my very on precinct! Great day so far. I wonder what the rest of it will be like.”

“Calm down Tyler, calm down,” Barney said. “Sgt. Wotchohowitz didn’t know you were undercover. In fact, no one did. My question is how Sgt. Wotchohowitz found out.”

“The whole precinct heard about the deal. We just figured no one had been assigned to it, so I took it myself.”

“Don’t you think if I’d’ve wanted someone on it, I would’ve?”

“We didn’t think you knew about it, Barn.”

“So, why didn’t you tell me? You’re not supposed to keep things from your captain, you know.”

“I know Barn. But – “

“But nothing. Just for this screw up on your part, I’m gona do my damndest to get Jaqui a promotion.” My face lit up. “Wotchohowitz, you may take the rest of the day off!” Barney said harshly. He turned to me and said, “You too, Tyler. You did a good job.”

“Thank you, Captain,” I said beaming brightly.

“Sgt.,” Barney said, “If officer Tyler doesn’t have a ride to wherever she’s going, I’d appreciate it if you take her there.”

He (Wojo) looked at me, rolled his eyes and asked, “Do you need a ride?”

“Actually, yes.”

“Where to?”

“Yankee Stadium.”

“Yankee Stadium?” He asked as he put his coat on.

“Is there an echo in here?” I asked. “Yes. Yankee Stadium.”

“What for?”

“For a jog.”

He opened the door for me. “A jog.”

“Yes, a jog.”

“How’re you going to get in?”

“Herbie.”

“Herbie?”

“He takes care of it off-season.”

“What about clothes for jogging?”

“Herbie gave me a locker there. During off-season is the only time I’m alloud to use it.”

“This I gotta see.” So, he drove me to Yankee Stadium, Herbie let me in, and I went to the lockerroom. Wojo came in just as I pulled my shorts up.

“Sorry,” he said. “It’s just that I’ve been a Yankee fan for as long as I can remember and I had to have a look.”

“Yankees. Yech.” I said. I motioned for him to turn around as I took my oxford off and I put on a Dodgers shirt I got at Smithaven Mall. “You can turn around now,” I said as I grabbed my Raiders sweatshirt.

“Dodger?” Wojo asked in disbelief.

“Yes Dodgers. You like football?”

“Love it.”

“What team?”

“Raiders.”

“Good. At least we can agree on something.” I put the sweatshirt on. “I think there’s an extra pair of shorts and a s.s. in the next locker if you want to join me.”

“Thanks, but I don’t have any sneakers.”

“What size?”

“10.”

I weaved my way in and out of the lockers until I got to the equipment room. I opened the door, found a pair of sneakers and brought them to him. He just smiled as I opened the locker next to mine. I put my jogging reebok’s on as he unbuttoned his shirt. “meet you outside,” I said as I left.

He came out a few minutes later and we warmed up together. “Do you jog around the bases or around the whole perimiter?”

“The whole field…15 x’s.”

“15 x’s?” he asked in disbelief. “That’s almost eight miles.

“I know.”

“I only jog three. Five more could kill me!”

“Don’t worry. I’m a licenced nurse.”

“How old are you?”

“19,” I said w/out blinking. He took me seriously.

“19? Are you kidding?”

“Actually, yes. I’m 27.”

“27? That’s it?”

“What’d you expect? 45?”

“No, I just thought you’d be older than 27.”

“Looks can be deceiving.” I said as I headed up the left side of the field. He cought up w/me and we jogged the 8 miles. While we jogged, we got to know each other better, and after the jog, all I did was put on a Celtics jacket, and tied my clothes into a knot so they could be washed. I’d take a shower when I got home. I asked Wojo if he wanted to come back to my place for dinner. He said sure. So, like we get there, and I told him to make himself comfortable while I took a shower. Then Wojo used the shower while I cooked dinner. By the time he came out of the shower, I already had the table set, and the food was ready to be served. (Steak, mashed potatoes, corn, biscuits, and wine.)

He complimented my meal, said he was sorry for the drug bust thing, and said he had to go. He kissed me on the cheek, but seeing as I was almost a foot shorter than he was, I gently pulled on his tie to make him face to face with me. “I think I deserve more than that,” I said before I gently kissed his lips. He put his arms around me, and I put mine around his neck.

“You’re not bad at that,” he said when we came up for air.

“Neither are you,” I said. “How about we continue this conversation in the bedroom?”

“Sounds good to me.”

 

The next day, Captain Miller informed me that the promotion came through. I was able to be a detective! He assigned me and Wojo together so we could “straghten out your differences.”

“Too late, Barn, Wojo said. “Too late.”

END