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Frozen Soul

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“Sans!”  He heard his supposed sister’s very loud voice calling from through the walls, and buried his skull further into his worn mattress, hoping to drown out the noise.

 

It was stupid and he hated it. He hated how his big sis stopped bothering to take much time out for him and Paps for years and then suddenly, out of the blue, this human kid comes in and kills them all multiple times and then yet when they’re being nice, Undyne actually bothers to befriend them and take time out for them. Them. The human kid. Frisk. That killed them all. Over and over again. Because they were bored. And Undyne showed some signs of remembering! Why?! Why did she bother to get close and take care of the human kid that killed them?!

 

He didn’t understand!

 

He just…

 

Couldn’t.

 

He was being irrational and making assumptions and jumping to conclusions because he was jealous and he absolutely hated it. He hated the human kid. He hated how Undyne actually bothered to notice and help the kid when they threw themselves off Hotland’s cliff. He hated how Undyne noticed too when Alphys was contemplating jumping off into Waterfall’s abyss. But how? How could she not notice when Papyrus sat at the edge of the painted bridge just out of Snowdin, staring at the deep drop down to the bottom? How did she not care when during some of Flowey’s numerous runs, the stupid flower actually managed to convince his little brother to fall off the cliff? How dare she have the nerve to miss her own brother’s funeral and leave her other brother alone to mourn both the brother and sister that he’d lost?

 

He hated it.

 

He really did.

 

Why? Why did she take time out for two strangers to help them out with their issues, while neglecting her youngest brother? Hell, he didn’t care if she forgot all about him! (Yeah, right. That was a lie. He brushed the stray thought aside.) How dare she. How dare she forget about Papyrus? How dare she not worry for her youngest brother? How dare she invest time and effort in murderers instead of family?

 

He hated how he couldn’t understand.

 

He hated how he hated everything for no reason.

 

He hated that of himself.

 

He... He hated himself.

 

His eye lights guttered out at the realisation.

 

He had been denying it for so long (over years and years of continuous resets, wasn’t it?), but it was the truth, wasn’t it? He hated himself, the same way the human kid hated themselves, enough for them to throw themselves off Hotland’s cliffs. He hated himself the same way Alphys had, enough to contemplate dropping into the abyss, never to be seen again. He… He hated himself the same way Papyrus hated himself for the gradual growing apart of the once close-knit family when Undyne called him her bestie instead of her brother. He hated himself.

 

It was a hard and bitter pill to swallow.

 

He stuffed his skull deeper into the mattress, letting it swallow up the sobs that escaped his mouth in choked gasps.

 

He didn't want to do any of this anymore.

 

.

 

Undyne huffed and wished she had brought a jacket down to Snowdin with her. Honestly, everyone else was being stupid. Why would Sans be anywhere other than Snowdin? Maybe he'd have been in Grillby's, but he wasn't. So naturally, he'd only be in Snowdin. Why would he be anywhere else?

 

"SANS!" She called again, hearing nothing but her own echo in return.

 

She growled, rubbing her forehead in irritation and worry, and clutched her arms, rubbing them for warmth.

 

She didn't understand why her brothers had wanted to move away from her and to freezing-cold Snowdin but had eventually relented after a long argument with the duo. It had hurt, and with the silence and emptiness wearing down on her, she had thrown herself wholeheartedly into her Royal Guard business, trying to get her mind off everything.

 

She knew it probably wasn't the most healthy thing to do - trying to further set herself apart from her brothers - but she had done it anyway. And to what extent? She knew Sans held a certain hatred in his soul for her for doing so, and that Papyrus missed her, but it was not long after they left that she was promoted to Captain of the Royal Guard, and soon, time was something she didn't have on her hands.

 

She hesitated outside the door of the house she had gotten for her brothers. She didn't know when Papyrus became her bestie instead of her brother, or when Sans simply became "Papyrus's brother" but she had a chance to right her wrongs now, didn't she?

 

She raised her fist and hesitantly rapped sharply on the door.

 

But nobody came.

 

Of course, that could mean a few things, that Sans was at old Grillby's, that he was flat-out ignoring her, or that she was wrong and he wasn't in Snowdin at all. She rolled her eyes and grabbed the spare key from within the wreath on the door, prepared to have to use it. To her surprise, she found the door unlocked anyway and pushed it open, pocketing the key.

 

The house was uncomfortably bare, and with no sign of her younger brother, she marched up the stairs, taking care to stomp hard enough that Sans would most likely be able to hear her if he was in his room.

 

She stopped outside his door, hesitating, knowing that he really didn't like people going into his room. She steeled herself and tested the door. It was locked. She smiled smugly to herself, knowing she was right about Sans being in Snowdin, then frowned, remembering that she'd have to enter the room first to be completely sure.

 

"Sans?" She called out, her question swiftly met by a clattering sound from within the room. She smiled softly in relief. "Sans, can you open the door for me?"

 

Silence.

 

"Sans?"

 

More silence.

 

"Sans?!"

 

"...go away."

 

There was a note of something in her brother's voice. Something... unidentifiable. And that scared her.

 

"Sans...?"

 

"i said go away, undyne," Sans responded, voice gruff and choked with... pain?

 

"Bro?"

 

There was an audible tinge of hurt in his voice as he replied after a few moments of hesitation. "don't call me that."

 

"Why not?" Undyne frowned, eyebrows furrowed in confusion.

 

She was met with silence.

 

"Are you... still there?"

 

There was a huff of annoyance on the other side of the door.

 

Figuring she was going to be there for a while, Undyne settled herself down, back against the door.

 

.

 

Sans huffed in annoyance, roughly wiping away tears from his sockets. He glanced around, then got ready to shortcut away, before remembering that Undyne would probably be alerted by it. He shrugged to himself, not too affected by the fact. Chances that she would be able to find him were very slim.

 

There was a snap-crackle-pop and he disappeared through time and space.

 

.

 

Undyne jolted upright at the sound of Sans shortcutting away. Damn it! She knew she should have forced her way into the room the moment she had the chance.

 

She rubbed her forehead - a nervous tick she had - and fished (heh) out her phone, pressing the speed dial for Alphys's number, intent on asking her scientist girlfriend for help once more.

 

.

 

It had been long-coming, hadn't it?

 

He really should have expected something like this.

 

Really, it had been building up for so long, it was a wonder he hadn’t broken before this.

 

The sun was setting. The colour reminded him of his brother’s magic colour.

 

He scuffed his slipper on the grass, that colour reminding him of his sister’s magic colour.

 

He sat down on the cliffside. His phalanges curled into the dirt and grass as he continued staring out into the sunset. There was a slight breeze. It felt… nice. Calming.

 

He wondered how long he would have in the peaceful confines of death before there was a RESET or LOAD.

 

.

 

“WHAT DO YOU MEAN SANS RAN AWAY?!”

 

“Shush Paps. Let Alphys work in peace.”

 

“BUT HE WAS DOING GOOD AGAIN! I… I THOUGHT HE WAS BETTER.”

 

“What do you mean? Was he not doing good?” There was a sinking pit in Undyne’s stomach.

 

Papyrus lowered his voice. “He didn’t think he wasn’t doing okay. Either that or he was really good at lying, but he showed signs of not-okayness, but didn’t know he wasn’t okay. He wasn’t doing good Dyne. But then we came onto the Surface and he was doing better! Or at least, I thought so!”

 

“Paps,” Undyne shook her little brother, making her look at her straight in the eyes (eye?). “Tell me exactly what’s wrong with our brother.”

 

Even with the solemn topic, Undyne saw Pap’s eye sockets glow in happiness, and felt a pang of guilt.

 

“Oh no no no no no…”

 

The pair of siblings turned back to the scientist.

 

“What’s wrong Alphys?” Undyne asked urgently.

 

The lizard monster turned her back to the monitor and looked shakily at the siblings. “Sans is… he’s. He’s… gonna do - oh no - something really really stupid.”

 

“Alphy,” Undyne said firmly, a hand firmly gripping her girlfriend’s shoulder. “Take a deep breath. Breathe in, and out. What stupid thing is Sans going to do?”

 

Alphys obliged, taking a shaky breath in, and exhaling - still trembling, albeit noticeably less. “He’s- He’s going to- O-oh stars… He’s going to- to jump!” There was noticeably a lot of effort put into saying the last word, and Undyne and Papyrus froze.

 

Papyrus shook his head in disbelief. “NO. IT CAN’T BE. I- I THOUGHT HE WAS GETTING BETTER. HE WOULDN’T- HE WOULDN’T DARE DO THAT.”

 

“Proof, Alphys,” Undyne said, slightly forcefully, voice trembling ever so slightly, but Alphys couldn’t fault her girlfriend. If her best friend’s brother (who was, ironically, Sans’s brother - Papyrus) was going to throw themselves off a bridge, she would want proof too.

 

Her claws trembled, but she pulled up the surveillance camera at where Frisk had said they had fallen. Installing the camera there had been for safety purposes, so they would know if another human accidentally fell in. Now, it seemed, it was being used for something else.

 

Undyne and Papyrus fought to look at the screen. Alphys moved aside, letting the two have all the space to watch. She didn’t want to.

 

“…WHAT’S FLOWEY DOING THERE?”

 

.

 

Sans stared dispassionately at the golden flower before him.

 

“Howdy, trashbag!”

 

“what do you want, flowey?”

 

“Aww,” Flowey winked mischievously. “It’s been a while and I was lonely, so I thought, why not meet up with my favourite skeleton buddy?”

bud,” Sans responded blandly, and Flowey bristled at the overused pun. “just get to the point.”

 

“Fine,” Flowey pouted, then brightened up. “You know, it seems to be a thing, doesn’t it? Papyrus falling off Snowdin’s bridge, Alphys staring into Waterfall’s abyss, Frisk jumping into Hotland’s lava, Gaster falling into the CORE, and you! I wondered when you were going to snap!”

 

Sans twitched at the mention of Papyrus and Frisk, and outright flinched at the mention of Gaster.

 

“I mean,” Flowey continued, relishing in his victim’s discomfort. “This obviously was building up for ages! I wonder what your breaking point is! It seemed all the resets in the world didn’t break you, so what did?”

 

“none of your business flowey.”

 

“Oooh! Is this a touchy subject?”

 

“shut up.”

 

“What’s wrong, trashbag?”

 

“shut up.”

 

“Hey, don’t be ru-“

 

“i said. shut. up.”

 

Sans raised an arm, and summoned a blaster, aiming it at the flower. It fired. Flowey ducked underground, then pushed up just metres away. The blaster missed, then disappeared.

 

“Fine. I see how it is. See you around trashbag!”

 

Sans sighed as the flower disappeared, wrapping his arms around himself in a pitiful mockery of a hug. He didn’t want to deal with it. He didn’t want to deal with any of it.

 

What was the point of anything anymore?