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the one that got away

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End of high school, June 2014.

It was one hell of a party. Music was blasting through the speakers and you could hear the music from the main street, several houses before the actual one. Namjoon didn’t know why he was going to that party, since he wasn’t a “party guy”. But see, he had this really cool and really good friend named Hoseok. A party guy pretty popular but terribly shy once you get to know him, who is funny, smart and pretty. He was perfect. And Namjoon wasn’t whipped at all for the boy. Nop. Not at all. And he definitely wasn’t going because Hoseok had told him after the last exam “Namjoonie, it would be sooooo cool if you could come to the party, I always miss you”. No, it wasn’t the reason at all.

Sometime, Namjoon was feeling stupid. He was one of the smartest guy in the school – the smartest for Hoseok. He had known Hoseok for as long as he could remember, the two boys had always been together. They had met during kindergarten. Namjoon was a small boy who used to hide behind big books, round glasses on his cute little nose. He was shy and clumsy, too smart for his young age. Hoseok was the exact opposite. He was the loud kid, always running everywhere, too loud for the other liking yet too nice to be hated. It was a miracle that the two opposite little boys started playing together, and it was all due to Hoseok. The other children used to annoy Namjoon for his books and glasses and Hoseok being the nice guy he was came and became Namjoon’s knight in shining.

When they started school, Hoseok didn’t let Namjoon. He kept defending him every day when the other guys kept bothering him. His parents had test his IQ, discovering he was one of the smartest with an IQ of 148. Namjoon went to the special classes for genius and everyone was making fun of him, but Hoseok stood by his side.

Highschool went by in a blur. Namjoon, being his smart ass was always too busy to go to party, spending all his free time in the library. Hoseok went to a lot of party, becoming one of the most popular kid in the school, also because he was one hell of a dancer – the best one in Namjoon’s eyes. The boy had spent a lot of time in a studio, rehearsing every day for a huge performance, the most important one for the young boy.

But before this performance, there was the exams. And they were done now which lead to the current situation which was Namjoon going to his first party ever, just for Hoseok eyes. Because there was once thing that wasn’t said before, and it was that Namjoon was helplessly in love with his boy in shining armor, with cute heart shaped smile, beautiful bright teeth, sunshine eyes and perfect personality.

Red cups were everywhere in the garden in front of the house and Namjoon was ready to go back to his room and read this awesome book he had just bought and that he wanted to read so badly. But he saw Hoseok in the front yard, laughing at what someone was saying and Namjoon stopped, looking at that beautiful boy and his beautiful smile. God, he was so whipped. He took another step forward and Hoseok looked at him, his smile becoming even brighter. The dancer ran to him, hugging him closely and Namjoon could smell beers on him.

"Joonie! You’re here, you came! I’m sooooo happy you’re here, god it’ll be the best party ever!"

Namjoon laughed at his friend and he couldn’t help but blushed when Hoseok started poking at his dimples.
"You know, I always loved your dimples they’re so cute. When you were just a kid it was already so deep and beautiful but now… man you’re one sexy brain man with cute dimples." "You’re so drunk Hobi…" smiled Namjoon. "No, just a bit tipsy. Come with me, I’ll show you around." "No, Hobi. I’m not sure I’m made for this kind of party." "I swear I won’t leave your side. Did I ever leave you alone?"

Namjoon lovingly looked at this adorable boy who never left his side before shaking his head, dimples on full display while Hoseok was leading him inside.

"Do you want to drink something?" Asked Hoseok. "No alcohol," replied Namjoon. "Don’t worry. You trust me, right?" "Of course, I do."

The party wasn’t bad. Namjoon even enjoyed it, mostly because Hoseok stayed by his side, and brought him several soft drinks while he was drinking. He was clearly drunk and Namjoon couldn’t take his eyes away of his soft and cute little dimples that were showing at the corner of his lips. He was ethereal, with his soft brown hair falling in front of his eyes, soft eyes that were glassy because of the alcohol. At the end of the night, Namjoon was almost carrying Hoseok back to his car, the boy been too wasted to even walk on his own.

"Are you always that drunk?" Asked Namjoon, laughing at Hoseok weird antics. "Noooo. It’s just because you were here." "Because I was here?" Wondered Namjoon. "Mm. You don’t even realize how hot you are, don’t you?" "You’re definitely too drunk for this Hoseok," replied Namjoon, forcing the boy to lie behind in the car. "I’m serious man. You’re hot. Too fucking hot. And those dimples? I’m in deep love because of your smile and those big round glasses. A hot nerd. Never thought I would fall in love with a nerd but damn… ‘s been too long since I can’t look at anything except your smart ass. "Okay you know what? We will talk about that later on, when you won’t be wasted." "Joon-ah?" "Yeah?" "Did you have fun tonight?"

Namjoon smiled at the sleepy boy in his car.

"A lot of fun," confirmed Namjoon. "Now, let me take you to your place so you can sleep." "We will talk tomorrow?" "If you can remember it, then yes. We will talk about it." "I really love you Joon. Really." "Me too, baby. I really, really love you."

Namjoon always hated going to Hoseok’s place, and he hated it a bit more when he needed to carry drunk Hoseok inside his house, because it reminded him how fucked up Hoseok’s life was, despise his sunshine personality. He couldn’t help but look at the broken bottles in the hall and in the living room. Broken glasses too. Everywhere on the ground. They couldn’t walk without stepping on some broken pieces. A family picture was lying on the floor, blood covering some faces. From the kitchen, Namjoon could hear Hoseok’s parents fighting. Hoseok groaned softly against him, closing the door behind him.

"Come with me and ignore them," murmured Hoseok and for the first time in a long, long time, there wasn’t any smile on his lips nor any traces of happiness on his faces. His eyes were bright with unshared tears and he looked way more sober than he was before.

They went upstairs, ignoring the shout of anger from the two adults in the kitchen, and entered Hoseok’s room. The boy just went to lie down and Namjoon closed the door before going to the window, sitting in front of him and looking at the park in front of the house.

"You’ll close the blind before leaving?" "You know I will, smiled Namjoon."

There was a long pause, where all they could hear was the fight downstairs. Namjoon looked at his best friend, and he saw the way he was painfully trying not to cry in front of him.

"You know you can always come to my place?" Quietly said Namjoon. "And then what?" answered Hoseok. At the end of the holiday, I’ll start college, which means I’ll go out of here… I’ll finally have my place and I won’t have to come back here."

Namjoon knew it wasn’t true, that Hoseok will always come if his drunk father calls or if his junkie mother needed anything. Because Hoseok thought it was his fault if his family was the way it was.

"Can you turn on the music, I don’t want to listen to them anymore." said Hoseok, lying on his side. "Sure. You need anything else?" "Can you stay for a bit? I don’t feel like being alone right now…" "Sure. Let me just text my parents to tell them I won’t be home tonight."

Namjoon went to lie beside Hoseok who moved a bit and Namjoon put his hand in his hair, playing with them because he knew it will help his friend to fall asleep. And he couldn’t help but laugh when he heard the soft snore.


He didn’t see Hoseok for a few days, which was quite surprising for a beginning of holiday. The two boys used to hang out together every time they could. But a week went by and there was no Hoseok. So Namjoon spent his time in his room, reading astrophysics’ books, or going to the library to read Nietzsche and Plato. He was having a good time, if he tried not to think about Hoseok disappearing suddenly.

He was walking in his neighborhood when he heard a car behind him and here was Hoseok in all his glory, soft orange hair, white sleeveless shirt, blue jean short and sunglasses. Beautiful. Simply beautiful.

"Good morning, good looking ass man with cute round glasses." "You know no one will never greet me like that right?" Smiled Namjoon. "Well, you have me to do it." "True." "Want to get in? I was about to drive for a while till I see the beach and then maybe eat an ice cream." "If you buy me one, then I’m in." "You know I will. Come on, let’s move."

Hoseok drove for a long time, music blasting through the speakers in his car and Namjoon just enjoyed the moment. He liked Hoseok driving, liked Hoseok music tastes, liked Hoseok soft voice singing along. It was what he was used to, since he was sixteen, and he didn’t need anything else in his life. They stopped at the beach and Hoseok bought the two ice creams before sitting in the sand.

"Where have you been?" Asked Namjoon. "Home. My parents… well they wanted us to go see my sister in Gwangju..." "And you didn’t warn me?" "Sorry. My father took my phone away." "Did he…?" "Don’t worry. I’m an adult now, he won’t hit me anymore." "I’m serious when I say you should come live with me." "I know you are… but do you really think you and I could live together?" "Of course, why couldn’t we?"

There was something different in Hoseok, something in his eyes, a flame that wasn’t here before but that was shining right now fiercely.

"I’m in love with you," finally said Hoseok. "I know I’ve said it after the party… I didn’t know… I didn’t know how to talk about it and I wanted to confess for such a long time. I’m in love with you, you’re my nerd, my smart ass man… I don’t know… I don’t know for how long I’ve been in love with you but I know you’re my number one and will always be. That’s why I drank so much that night, because you told me you’ll be here and I wanted to confess so badly but… I’m not one of those really cool guy in the books you read. I’m not that smart either. I’m just… a party guy, who love having fun and dancing more than anything in the world… but more importantly, I’m a loud guy who had fallen in love with your quiet and peaceful person, and I can’t imagine a world without your clumsy ass." "You’re not that loud you know?" Smiled Namjoon. "I can’t believe it’s the only thing you remembered from my confession…" laughed Hoseok while a soft blush was taking over his face.

Namjoon stared at the boy, a soft smile showing his dimples before poking his side.

"Hey?" "Mm?" "I love you too. Like, I’m really, really in love with your loud ass and I don’t care if you can’t read Nietzsche or Plato, or Freud… because I would rather have you talking to me every day than reading them. I can live without them, but not without you." "Sap." "I’m the sap???? Have you listened to what you have told me?" "Well, I’ve planned to say it for a long time so obviously it’s sappy." "Who told you I haven’t thought about confessing to you too before?"

Hoseok started to blush a bit more, opening and closing his mouth several times and he was too cute for Namjoon. Softly, he kissed the dancer’s lips, and he could see the surprise in his friend. But Hoseok just let it all go and started kissing Namjoon too, his hand on the other cheeks, and he felt Namjoon’s dimples forming under his fingertips because of Namjoon’s smile.

"You sap," repeated Hoseok once they’ve stopped kissing. "Shut up. That’s why you love me." "True."

Hoseok forcefully took Namjoon’s leg before lying down, head on the other thigh and Namjoon simply smiled before petting his boyfriend hair.

Days passed by, and honestly, Namjoon couldn’t get enough of Hoseok shy kisses, and he was truly in love with the blush that was painted Hoseok’s face every time they were kissing. They were in Hoseok’s room, the older packing because he was finally moving out. To his own place. A place where he wouldn’t hear his parents fighting, where he wouldn’t see his parents hitting each other, where he wouldn’t be hit either, where no one would throw things at him. His parents were away, it’s been days since they haven’t been home and Hoseok couldn’t bother about them. He didn’t really care anymore. He needed to move on, without them. Namjoon was by his side, and everything will be alright as long as his smart boyfriend was here.

"Hobi?" "Yeah?"

Hoseok was busy taking his things from the bathroom while Namjoon was busy with his desk. When Hoseok went back to his room to see why Namjoon had called him, he saw him with a book in his hands. It was Namjoon’s favorite book Demian and Hoseok had bought it so he could understand why Namjoon was so in love with this particular book. He had noted so many things on the pages, everything Namjoon had told him, but also things he had noticed and that he wanted to say next time Namjoon would talk about the book. Obviously, said boy wasn’t supposed to know about it and stupidly, Hoseok took the book from Namjoon’s hands, as if to prevent him from looking inside.

"You bought the book?" Asked Namjoon, happy that his boyfriend was trying to understand what he likes. "It’s nothing. I just… find it one day, thought it would be a good idea to read it. Don’t go thinking about things, I still haven’t read it." "I’m gonna pretend I haven’t seen your notes then."

He couldn’t help but tease Hoseok. Since they were dating, their personality has evolved and it was surprising to see that Namjoon was the one being the more confident between the two of them.

"Shut up," smiled Hoseok, trying to hide his lovely blush. "You’re so cute Seokie. I can’t even believe someone as cute as you is even real." "As if you’re not the cutest one."

Namjoon simply smiled, happy to be with his man.


They had fun for several months. When Hoseok needed to paint his apartment, Namjoon was here and they had the best time of their life, painting not only the walls but also each other. Namjoon spent a lot of time at Hoseok’s place. The older was an artist, always painting, and Namjoon couldn’t forget the huge phoenix he had painted once on one of his wall.

"You know, I still wonder why you’re not going into an art school, you’re so fucking talented." "I will if you go to a music academy," replied Hoseok, playing with his golden paint. "Why would I go in a music academy?" Asked Namjoon. "Come on, remember this song you’ve made last month? It was dope. You need to work in that." "No one wants to listen to a music made by a depressed smart guy you know?" "I want," replied Hoseok, sitting next to his boyfriend.

They were having a hard time. Namjoon had just been diagnosed with depression. Not that the two boys were surprised, they knew it. But Namjoon’s pills were strong and he was always lost when he took them. Thankfully, Hoseok was here and Namjoon usually spent his bad days looking at Hoseok while he was painting. They weren’t talking. They both knew Namjoon didn’t need to talk. Most of the time, he couldn’t even explain why he was sad, why he wanted to cry and not move for the next ten years, why sometimes it was so hard to even get up. That’s why Namjoon was spending his days at Hoseok’s. His parents couldn’t understand, always asking him why he spent his days in his bed when he used to be so active. But Hoseok, Hoseok didn’t care, not at all. If Namjoon wanted to spend the day in his bed, blind closed, then he could. Hoseok would check on him every hour just to be sure that his boyfriend was okay, and to cuddle him to remind him that he was loved and everything will be alright.


Hoseok was finally done with his place, his art studio was perfect with the beautiful phoenix rising from ashes. They had spent a long time in bed, simply lying next to each other and cuddling closely. Namjoon couldn’t help but stared at the other. He was beautiful, with the sun hitting his cheeks. Breathtaking.
"I’m waiting for a letter today," quietly said Hoseok, fingers tracing Namjoon’s torso. "What kind of letter baby?" "Remember this dance competition I had after our exams?" "Of course. You were amazing." "There was a big agency… they want to recruit dancers for a huge tour." "You want to be selected?" Asked Namjoon. "I mean yes? It will be great for my carrier."

He saw the frown on Namjoon’s face and turn to be face to face with him.

"You don’t look happy…" "How can I be happy? You haven’t even told me about it before today. You can be leaving but you thought I didn’t deserve to know it." "Joonie, you know it’s not that." "Then what is it?" "I was scared. It’s nerve-wracking okay? I don’t know, maybe my future is about to change and it’s a big deal for me..." "Am I not part of your future then?"

Hoseok sighed, getting up and quickly dressing up, clearly annoyed with Namjoon’s reaction.

"Why are you taking things this way? I never said you weren’t part of my future. But yes, I have an opportunity that can happen, and I’ll be crazy not to think about it." "If I was really important for you, you would have told me about it before that." "Okay you know what? I’m going out for a while. You don’t even want to listen to what I have to say." "I have. You’re waiting an important letter that can change your future. You’re the one not listening." "You’re right. I’m not listening. I’m never listening to you right? It’s always my fucking fault because I’m always fucking something along the way. I’m always doing something wrong."

Hoseok took his sport bag before leaving, slamming the door behind him. Day passed by, and Namjoon was a bit worried when Hoseok wasn’t home at 7 PM, since he was out since the early morning. Namjoon knew the other boy was angry, and he also knew it was his fault and that he got mad for nothing. He also had news that he didn’t share with his boyfriend, news that could also change his future if he decided to go – which he hasn’t. The letter Hoseok was waiting for was right in front of him, the notice “Urgent” written on it, nagging at him. Namjoon got out of his contemplation when the door opened, and Namjoon looked at Hoseok, noticing his tensed shoulders. No matter where he went, it didn’t help him getting less angry. Without a word, he put his keys on the table, eyes landing on the letter. He didn’t even spare it a second glance before leaving it behind.

"I’m going to sleep," he said. "Hobi, wait!" Called Namjoon, trying to catch his hand. "Not now. Eat whatever you want. If you want to stay you can. Do whatever you want."

He left after that and Namjoon felt like shit because Hoseok wasn’t the kind of guy who hold grudges, not the kind who stayed mad at someone else. He was supposed to be a happy and carefree guy. Not a sulking one. Carefully, Namjoon opened the bedroom door. Hoseok was sitting on his bed, head in hands. Namjoon sat beside him, putting his hand on the other neck.

"I’m sorry Baby," murmured Namjoon. "I shouldn’t have been angry this morning and I should have understood." "I’ve tried telling you about this letter. Many times. But it was never the good time for you, you were always too busy, or too high because of your medicine to listen to me. I’ve tried it, so many times, yet I’m the one feeling like a shitty boyfriend because I get mad at you when I know you’re having a hard time… and I’m fucking scared because what if we end up being like my parents… I’m so fucking scared every time I get angry because of them… I hate them, so much. And I also hate myself because I’m just like them." "You are not Hobi. You’re the brightest person around and you have so many dreams that lead you every day. I’m proud to be your boyfriend and I’m sorry that my fucked-up thoughts lead you to doubting and hating yourself. You’re precious. You’re beautiful. You’re patient. I’m really sorry. I’m just… scared of what will happened of us if you leave." "You know I won’t leave you behind. I will never do that." "I know."

“but I need to let you go.” thought Namjoon even if he didn't say it out loud.


Knowing Hoseok was accepted by the agency was scary for Namjoon. And maybe, maybe every love story, no matter how beautiful and precious they are, aren’t made to be forever. And that’s probably why Namjoon decided to break up with the boy, few days before he left for his tour. He ignored Hoseok’s cry while he was leaving the dancer behind. He was an asshole. Hoseok deserved better than his depressing ass. They would find each other again if they were meant to be. But for now, he could just let him go.