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Friendship & Stuff

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This goes out to that special someone in my life

Oh we all have somebody special, this is for them

- Joseph Bruce


This week in July is the most fortuitous time for two friends to go camping.

The purple pickup truck with more than enough ICP bumper stickers drives up to the heavily-shaded but only moderately-full Parking Lot 4#. You and Gamzee have been on the road since early morning and now just an hour past noon you are at your destination. Gamzee is the one to get out of the truck first.

"Here we be at motherfucking Isle Lomat!" he declares.

You are stiffer trying to get out of the truck. You are too short and fat for this shit and the truck is too high.

"I still think the T is silent," you say, "It was named by the French."

"But we ain't in France so we pronounciate it with a T."

"Pronounciate isn't a word!"

"It is now."

"I hate the way you speak."

"Awww, I know you motherfucking miss my voice from all the distancing we've been having since college, my little Karbro."

Privately, you do like Gamzee's lilting androgynous voice. However, it would be weird to say that.

"I guess it's slightly more aesthetically-pleasing than that oh-so-wacky camelback typing you do online and on the phone."

"But I bet you miss my smilies and stickers when I'm up talking for real."

"Not really."

You walk around to the back of the truck loaded for long weekend camping. Gamzee brought the tent since he often camped with his cousin and foster-father Kurloz. You haven't camped since those few years in middle school where you were in the Boy Scouts before you decided you were too queer and atheist for that squeaky-clean pseudo-fascist bullshit. You do already have a sleeping bag though it smelled of mothballs from being in a trunk. You take that out of the truck along with your well-organized day pack. Gamzee has a much bigger well-used hiking backpack with additional items hanging off of it. Also in the back is a cooler. Opening it, you see in addition to the omnipresent Faygo (Red Pop, the worst flavor and yet somehow Gamzee's favorite) were some six-packs of the beer that made Milwaukee famous.

"Wait, are we allowed to bring alcohol into this park?" you ask.

"We should be."

"I'm guessing that cryptic statement means it's against the rules to bring alcohol."

"Yeah, but every motherfucker sneaks a bottle or two."

"There's enough beer here for a fucking frat party!"

Gamzee whispers in your ear, "I also got a motherfucking flask of whiskey."

"And I assume you also brought weed."

"Only two small joints. You know I ain't doing that much anymore."

"Well, your successful businessman cousin better pay for any fines and bail because my funds are tied up in a fucking pricey graduate school."

"I don't think we'll have any problems with the motherfucking police. They're family."

"Well, your uncle was and he doesn't live in this state anymore."

"And my old man."

"Sorry to say this but your old man also isn't very helpful where he is. Anyway, are we going to make two trips or three-"

Gamzee then picks up the cooler himself despite how heavy all those glass bottles must be and that's on top of the weight of the backpack. You are then aware of how muscular his arms are under his baggy t-shirt. They aren't bulky muscles but they are certainly present. You remember him being a stick in high school.

You continue, "I guess that's one trip."

Gamzee pulls his head to the right. "Trail's that a-way."

"Trail? How far is this campsite?"

"Not more than a mile."

"So point nine nine nine nine etc miles."

"I ain't no cartographer."

You groan.

The two of you start walking down the pine-needle-covered path. You can't see Lake Superior and that makes you nervous. The ground is easy to trod. Too bad you are so out-of-shape your small pack wears you down quickly. To think you once thought you could get into the US Marine Corp. Gamzee seems to be having a merry time despite his much heavier load. He is whistling tunelessly and almost skipping. Really, skipping? What a show off.

"Ain't it a motherfucking beaut of a day for this?" he asked.

"Saying that will just make it rain for a straight week."

"The Spirit of the World wouldn't do that to two good friends like us."

"Sure! 'The Spirit of the World' will make it rain until a few minutes before we have to leave. Though the 'Spirit of the World' doesn't exist. It's just that cruel bitch Irony."

"So you do believe in a higher power?"

"It's just a fucking metaphor."

"Maybe God is a metaphor? A metaphor that's real? Think about it."

"Already did when I was five and realized Santa Claus doesn't exist."

"You'll come around. Like you came around on camping. Man, I can't believe your family ain't never camping, what with their, you know, wanderlust -"

"That wanderlust is just us getting kicked out of every place and in this country we can stay firmly indoors and in one place and we plan to."

"You the most whitest Romani I know."

"I'm like the only Romani you know. And you're pretty fucking white too, you wigger."

"But you still got that spark of Romani in your blood."

"Don't fucking talk to me about blood."

Eventually, you can see that small sliver of blue on the horizon. You swear it's taken a mile to get to this point and you aren't even actually there.

"You see that?" Gamzee gestures the best he can while holding a cooler. "Lake Superior! The most motherfucking superior of lakes!"

"It's an inland sea."

"Ain't inland seas a miracle?"

"The ocean is more impressive."

"Ain't oceans a miracle then?"

"Everything is a miracle to you. Hey, how much farther?"

"Not more than a mile."

"That's what you fucking said when we got started! Is it point nine nine fucking nine miles?"

"You'll have to up and motherfucking find it for your own self."

"I thought this was front-country camping. I didn't sign up for any fucking back-country into-the-wild freeze-in-an-abandoned-van camping!"

"Think of it as mid-country."

You walk down the path and the lake becomes bigger with every step. The sight actually puts a little more energy into your step. Eventually, you can see a series of beach ridges between the pine forest and the pebbly beach. On each ridge is a fire pit, a water spigot, and a numbered sign.

"Our camp number be thirteen," Gamzee says.

"Lucky thirteen," you say as you note the campsite in front of you is labeled 01.

"Hey, it's your birth date and I consider that way motherfucking lucky!"

The two of you make your way around the path. The numbers go up very slowly. Two...three...four...ugh. You pass by various tents, some expensive REI equipment and some that are basically tarps. After number twelve, the path goes around a small outcropping until you reach the beloved site thirteen. It is rather isolated compared to the other campsites. Maybe you can get away with drinking. Maybe you could bring out a bong. Maybe you could get away with murder.

The second you get to the site you take off your backpack. Gamzee puts down his load. Your campsite is as rustic as the rest.

"So, where do we shit and shower?" you ask.

"There be a bathhouse at the end of the path and up a ways."

"So a goddamn mile away."

"You can always dig down a hole in the woods."

"I prefer porcelain to dirt."

"Suit your own damn self. You gotta shit now?"

"Thankfully no."

Gamzee takes the blue tarp that was hanging off his bag and spreads it on the ground. You hold the tarp down while he nails it into the loose sandy soil. He takes out the tent bag. It is rather small but you assume it will turn out much bigger. However, as the two of you unroll and set the tent up, it turns out to be just as small as it looked.  

"This is the same tent you and Kurloz use?" you ask, "This piece of plastic looks like it barely fits one and you two are giants!"

"Aww, it ain't as bad as that. Besides, we like it all cozy-like. I'm sure as hell you'll like it all cozy-like with me."

"I should have shelled out for my own tent."

Gamzee brought foam mats for the bottom of the tent, which you didn't think of. You roll out your mothball-scented sleeping bag and place your backpack on it before going outside.

You admire the view. There is one little patch of green and brown that might be an island but otherwise it is straight sea. The sky is a perfect Maxfield Parrish blue. Maybe the three mile walk was worth it.

"Miracle, ain't it?" Gamzee asks from behind you.

"If you say so."

He puts his hand on your sore shoulder.

"Y'know, it really mean a whole fucking lot you're all up for me in my breakup with Tavros."

"Of course I am. I'd be a real shitstain of a friend if I did nothing when you got dumped by the guy you've been crushing on since the first day of high school."

"Yeah, you would be. So, you up for swimming?"

"Maybe some wading. My shoulders are screaming."

"I could go in for some swims."

He takes off his t-shirt, showing all his upper body muscles. His hips have this cheeky purple flourish that points downward. His uppermost chest is hairy but not any lower.

He slips out of his shoes (he's always been too lazy for laces) and there's not any socks under them. Gross. Then to make it worse, he takes off his saggy jeans and there's no trunks under them. His uncircumcised dick is hanging out there like a well-fed white worm. Even his mighty bush can't cover it all. You don't think you've ever seen it before. Usually while undressing in locker rooms and such you were busy thinking about how not to be seen and not on seeing anyone else. Did Tavros ever see this? Could Tavros take that monster? Did Tavros have enough feeling in his lower half for that? Maybe that's how he could take it. No, you shouldn't be thinking about their relationship, especially not that way.

It gets even worse when Gamzee notices your line-of-sight and his smile gets a little broader.

"Like what you see?" he asks.

"NO. What are you fucking naked? People can see!"

"Ain't nobody that can it but you right now."

"Yeah, lucky me. Put on your clothes!"

"But I ain't bring no trunks. You want me not to enjoy my swims all weekend with this miracle inland sea front of us?"

"I'm not responsible for your bad planning, you fucking -"

But Gamzee is nyooming down the useful stairs. He skedaddles across the gravelly beach and into what's probably cold water even considering it's the height of summer.

So you sit on the tarp, take off your shoes and socks, and roll up your pant legs. Though you had the foresight to bring trunks, you don't feel like changing now. Unlike Gamzee, you put on flip flops. You walk down the stairs and across the beach. When the spray reaches your feet is is indeed cold. As a midwesterner you are used to that. On your one visit to the Pacific you found the water too warm.

Gamzee comes a little out of the water to greet you. His dick has shriveled to normal human size. His white-boy dreads are leaden-down with water.

"It's fan-fucking-fantastic!" he yells, "You should get yourself in!"


"Better get in before I dunk you."

"If I promise I'll swim tomorrow will you get off my fucking case?"

"I promise I'll get off your sweet case, Karkat." He winks. Ugh.

So you watch him swim around. You soak in the midsummer midday sun while being cooled by the water. It's not a bad feeling. Would be way better without the black flies. Probably shouldn't be thinking about how dirty the brackish water is. Well, Gamzee is having fun and he's the one who needs cheering up. Though he doesn't seem broken up at all. Maybe eventually he'll fall into a crying fit like the one at his Dad's funeral.

After some time, you remember the sun burns. You put on sunscreen in the car but that was a while ago. Better take care of that. You walk back to the camp. After drying your feet with your handy microfiber towel, you put on your socks and shoes. You take your sunscreen out of the bag and start reapplying. Generally, you keep your skin covered. You never wear shorts even in the hottest weather. Hell, you often wear long sleeves in warm weather. You don't like having a lot of exposed skin. Meanwhile, your paler friend is skinny-dipping. Won't he get burned? Turned into a redneck? He kind of already is one.

Okay, he isn't redneck deep down. His family did once have an impressive fortune, but that was back when Detroit was an impressive city. They still have some nice houses, like the one Gamzee, Kurloz, and Kurloz's girlfriend Meulin live in, but now they're basically lower-middle-class. Gamzee and Kurloz have a white trash persona despite their paternal grandmother finishing top of her class in finishing school.

Did Gamzee inherit that impressive dick from his dad's side or his mom's? Best not think of that again.

After applying sunscreen, you take out your phone. Cell service isn't working which isn't much of a surprise. The park doesn't have its own WiFi but you see other campers do. You're too nice to leech off of them. Still, you are itching to play a game or read on of your many romance novels on Kindle. Instead, you take out from your backpack a worn paperback you'd normally avoid reading in public and dig into that.

Eventually, Gamzee comes out of the water. You don't notice until he's leaning over you. You look up to see he's shriveled and a little blue but happy. You avert your eyes.

"Whatcha reading?" he asks.

"Nothing important. It's not like you read for pleasure anyway."

"True, but I'm curious."

"Also, you should really put on some sunscreen. Oh, and of course some fucking clothes."

"Yeah, sun ain't too good for my extensive tattooage. Hey, wanna help me with my back?"

"If you put on some clothes I will. Even a pair of shit-stained undies is better than you being nude."


There is some shuffling of clothes and unzipping of backpack.

He says, "You can get yo look on now."

You turn to look. He's now be-panted but still barefoot and bare-torsed. He hands you a bottle of sunscreen before sitting cross-legged on the tarp with his back toward you. The sunscreen is recommended by French dermatologist, while you brought Walmart brand. You open the bottle and pour the creamy contents on your hand. Before you is a skin canvass covered in a tattoo tableau. He had only a few small tattoos back when you were a senior in high school and he wasn't. This new development isn't a surprise since he'd posted awkward selfies on Facebook but now you can actually see the details. The bright playful jewel-tone colors belie the fact it's a mural of massacre. The murderers are clowns but they have silvery skin and orange horns.

"You liking my back tattoo? I got it done last year."

"Did this take an entire year?" you ask.

"Only felt like it."

"So what's the meaning? Is it commemorating something? Are these demons or robots or what?"

He stiffens for a moment. "Does it all motherfucking need one?"

"The St. Sebastian robot seems like it has one."

"Saint who now?"

"You don't know him? He's the saint who died from...okay, if you don't know it then that's not important. Just a coincidence."

"You know I'm not Catholic."

"Isn't Unitarian a mix of every religion?"

He shrugs. "One way to put it."

You start rubbing cream into the disturbing tattoos.

"Just don't go back into a religion that says people like us burn in Hell forever."

"You don't have to get your worry on for that."

"Fuck those snake-handlers that gave you so much teenage angst."

"We never did handle snakes. Don't think nobody over the Mason-Dixon Line does that. Though that would be pretty wicked to see."

"Ugh, don't you dare try it on this trip."

"I do feel bad not going to my momma's church no more but I'm sure where she be she understands the church don't love me right." He sighs. "Mmm, that does feel good."

You realize you've been touching Gamzee a little bit longer than strictly needed.

"I got your back."

"I know you always will, brother."

"Yeah, that and I literally applied enough UV-repulsing cream on the backside of your body, so enough touching."

He turns around and holds up his left hand. "Thanks bro! High-five!"   

You slap your greasy hand against his. He takes the bottle and starts spreading its creme over his body, including his lake-dirty feet. Wow, are his feet enormous. You imagine him wearing clown shoes and the thought is disturbing but strangely amusing.

When he's done, he gets up and says, "I'm gonna go on buy us some firewood and rent some rods."

"You have to buy firewood? Isn't it lying around everywhere?"

"Yeah but they don't like nobody stripping the forest."

"Fair enough but why do you care when you've seen fit to break the alcohol rule by a mile?"

"Because Earth be our mother."

He starts walking away, with no shirt and no shoes but sure to get service.

"Wait," you say, "What do you mean by rods?"

"We're gonna be fishing!"

"What?? Did you not bring food?!"

"Aww, you'll love my fish."

He continues walking away. You wonder if you can order pizza out here. Instead, you get back to your novel. After about half a chapter, he comes back with a canvas bag and two fishing rods.

"Fishing time!" he yells.

"If you like fishing so fucking much, why don't you have your own rods?"

"Kurloz and me prefer bow-hunting but that's a li’l bit above yo pay grade. I also got ourselves some motherfucking bait!"

He takes out of the canvas bag a Chinese take-out box filled with moo-goo gai worm.

"Gross!" you yell, "You're going to have to spear those disgusting things for the both of us."

"Aw, bro, I'm sure you can get your bait on all by yourself."

"Ugh, wording. I guess I can at least try."

You put your novel away in the backpack while Gamzee takes the lumber out of the canvas bag. That done, you set off to go fishing.

"So, we just walk into the water?" you ask.

He jerks his head. "There be a pier there."

You look to see a rickety wooden pier not far from your camp.

You say, "You'd better wear shoes on that nail trap because if you get tetanus I can't drive your feverish ass to the hospital."

He slides back into his clown shoes. "Can do."

You both walk to the pier with your fishing rods, a tackle box, and a bucket. On walking on that wooden structure you have an uneasy feeling. Even with your shoes on you feel like you'll get tetanus or worse. Maybe syphilis. The pier might break under you. If it does, will the lake have undercurrents? Why isn't there a better pier somewhere?

He places the bucket and tackle box at the end of the pier. He sits down and you follow suit. He opens the tackle box and takes out a rather large hook. You wonder why he brought a tackle box but no rods. He attaches the hook to the line of his rod. He opens the bait box, takes out a large worm befitting the large hook, and pierces it over his hook with practiced speed and dexterity.

When it comes to your turn, you throw the first worm you pick in a panic. Next, you keep scrapping your second worm without piercing it. Gamzee has to put the worm on for you.

He takes care of putting the sinker and floater on your rods. He shows you how to cast. You then both settle in to fish.

After a few minutes, he asks, "You be a vegetarian?"

"Now you ask me that?" you ask back.

"Just you don't like none stabbing the worm."

"Who does like that part? God, I hope I never meet anyone who does."

"So you don't mind none eating no fish?"

"How many negatives is that? Well, I guess I don't mind. If there's plenty of tartar and cocktail sauce."

"I brought lemon and pepper."

"I guess that will have to do."

"What about...what's it called...pescatarian?"

"No, that's such bullshit. Pescatarians just want to get brownie points for being a vegetarian without actually being a vegetarian. I don't care what they tell you in Catholic Sunday School, fish is fucking meat. Wait, was Tavros a pescatarian?"

"Nah, he's straight-up vegetarian. But he is Catholic."

"Guess now you can eat all the meat you want."

"Oh, he ain't the pushy bitch type with his vegetarianism."

"Yeah, I don't remember him being that way."

"He's an accepting soul. Always accepted my soul."

You sigh. "Fuck, I don't know what good spin to put on your breakup. Being dumped is the fucking worst. When Terezi dumped me it was like I was stabbed and thrown in a volcano."

"How'd you up and get out of the volcano?"

"With enough time I was able to crawl and scrape my way out. Anyway, how long does fishing take?"

"As long as needed, bro."

"That's not really an answer. Can we do this for half an hour then call it quits?"


So you fish. The air is filled with the noise of a million insects. You could sit here in silence listening to them all. Enjoy the company of your old friend who you haven't seen in like, maybe, three years? However, you've never been one to sit quietly. An important issue gnaws at your mind.

"Speaking of romance, there's this fucking problem going over and over in my head."

"Who's getting yo goat?"

"Not a person! It's a library."

"A library?"

"In the new live-action Beauty and the Beast. In the original he plans it as a grand romantic gesture but in the new one he's like 'oh this old thing? you can have it.' That rich old negging bastard. How dare he hate on Romeo and Juliet! Though it really should have been Voltaire or something he hated on."

"Just that?"

"And I'm not wild about LeFou either."

"So, ain't no real motherfucker getting your goat?"

"I don't much like the bursar at...oh, you mean romantically? Nothing going there."

"No gay times in college?"

"I've been on a few dates with guys..."

Gamzee leans in. "Reaaaally..."

"Either there's no chemistry or the fucker wants to do poppers and double-fist me which isn't something I do on a first date, if ever. You got to romance me before you get near my hole."

"So you be a bottom?"

"NO! I mean, I don't know. I don't have enough experience to put on labels. I don't even know if I want to do anal. Can't we just jerk off together and fall asleep cuddling?"

"Us? Right now?"

"I meant 'we' as in queer men in general. That should be blindingly obvious from context."

"Oh, my bad."

"But that's not how it is on Grindr."

"You be on Grindr?"

"I have tried that and the more het sites but I don't have much luck with my height and weight in the meat market."

"So what about the females?"

"I haven't been on a date with a girl in ages. They're even less likely to date some five four."

"You sure it ain't cause of Terezi?"

"You think she really got under my skin that much that I can't look at another woman? So what if she was my first crush? She's not the eternal owner of my soul."

"Right on, bro!"

You turn to him. "You aren't planning on setting me up with some ninja or ninjette, are you? Because I sincerely doubt I will find love in your crowd."

"I ain't fixing you up with no one else."


"I think you should find that sweetest thing in the closest most romantic place you can."

"So wait until a sexy girl-or-boy-next-door moves in? Help them unpack the truck? But I'm selling my house in a month and moving to Chicago. I guess maybe my apartment building could have a sexy neighbor...maybe one day I'll forget my keys and have to spend the night with them...that could work."

"Um, yeah, guess that is motherfucking romantic."

"Should I be so fucking lucky. I'll probably get some cranky Fox-watching racist old fart with a dozen cats as a neighbor."

"What's so wrong with cats?"

"Don't get me wrong, they're cute, but they're not hygienic. Minute hairs and rancid piss everywhere. Ugh."

"What about that pretty grey motherfucker you post on Facebook?"

"So I feed one stray. That's not owning. I wouldn't let her into my parent's house."

"A queen? So there be a lady in your life."

"The only one. Also my academic adviser at Northwestern but she's married."

"Not any other motherfucker close to you?"

"Seems everyone I know is spread evenly across the globe. Did you know Kanaya is wandering the Outback of Australia now? For a fashionista she's really adventurous. It's only you that's stayed in Midland. So I guess I'm spending my summer with you."

"And only me?"

You sigh. "Yeah, looks like it. At least I also got my freelance writing to - hey!"

There's a tug on the rod! You squirm! Your mind is a blank!

"What the fuck?" you ask, "What the fucking hell do I do?"

Gamzee calmly answers your panic with, "Reel it all in, bro."

"What is reel?"

He cranks his own line slightly. Now you remember what that simple verb means and start turning your own crank. However, there's pressure on the line and it rises and rises until it vanishes. When the hook reaches you, it has only a few remnants of worm and no fish. You feel sick.

"Fuck. I lost another fucking worm. How many worms have I cost you?"

"Kurloz ain't underpay me so much I can't afford a box of bait."

"Just worm me again."

He puts another worm on your hook and you cast again. This time you sit in tense silence. Now you know at any time there could be a tug. Is there some special noise to wait for? Can you hear a fish swallow? The entire lake is a symphony of noise. Eventually, you have to start talking again.

"Okay, so you know how in the new B-A-T-B, LeFou bribes the townfolk to sing for Gaston?"

"I ain't watch the new one."

"You shouldn't. Anyway, let me tell you the problem with that."

You talk over the fish swallows about BATB and how Josh Gad was wasted and yes that is Josh Gad and not Jack Black. Gamzee chimes in with a "yeah guess that is a dumbass decision all up on their part" every once in a while. He isn't the most intelligent partner in the debate over whether the live-action remake was good or not but at least he can pretend to agree with you.

You finish your water bottle. The time must be half an hour now. Maybe more. You take your phone out of your pocket but Gamzee grabs it from you like a practiced thief.

"Hey, no motherfucking phones allowed," he says in an almost-aggressive tone.

"Since when has that been the law of the land?"

"You ain't enjoying nature when you just all up being rat-a-tatting on the phone."

"I was just checking the time. Besides, there's no service out here."

He puts the phone in his pocket. "Still keeping this."

"You don't think I can't be trusted with my own property?"

"We all know you're mad fixed on Candy Crush."

"I haven't played that in forever."

"Hogwarts Mystery?"

"I'm not that bad. Give it back to me!"

You grab at his pocket and he turns away.

"If you want it so bad," he says with a huge grin, "you can give me head."

You stop grabbing at him. "What? No! Ewww!"

He laughs. "It's just a motherfucking joke. Get your relax on."

"Godawful joke." You take a deep breath. "I guess I can let you keep it for me, but if you don't give it back on Monday I'll steal your pickup and drive it into the lake."

"Deal, bro."

"So what time is it anyway?"

He covertly checks the phone. "Four twenty."

"Yeah, of course it is."

"Just kidding, it's like five oh five. Would be sweet if it was four twenty."

"Don't you say you don't smoke much anymore?"

"It still makes me happy to see those numbers. One of the little old joys of life."

"Weirdo. So, we do have actual food, right? We aren't depending on whatever mutated fish we can dredge up to the bucket."

"Actually, I dredged up some cans of stew."

"Let's eat that instead."

You pack everything up and go back to the safety of land. Gamzee goes off to return your fishing poles and you return to camp. After a short wait, he returns.

"You wanna eat now or later?" he asks.

"Why not eat now?"

"Sure, let me step down a fire."

He carefully arranges the lumber in the fire pit and puts a rolled-up ball of newspaper in the middle. Over that, he puts a tripod (like the one between his legs). He reaches into his pocket and takes out a small silver device and points it at the lumber - is that a pistol?

"Why are you shooting a fire, you redneck fuckhead???" you ask.

He pulls the trigger and out from the barrel comes a tiny flame to devour the paper.

"It's another motherfucking joke," he says, "Don't you get it?"

"But you would be stupid enough to try it."

However, looking at the "pistol" now it is obviously a gag lighter. You feel silly for sweating.

He tends the little flame with a stick and soon it is devouring the rest of its wooden home. The state-provided lumber is perfectly dry and provides only the minimum of smoke. The wood around you is probably damp from the lake air. You sit on the tarp watching the fire, though it's another source of heat in the summer. The dark is many hours away. You wonder if it's safe for Gamzee to tend the fire with his dreads. What does he put in them?

He opens and pours two cans of Campbell's Chunky Brunswick stew into a small pot and hangs it on the tripod. The gooey sodium mixture slowly heats up.

While you wait, he goes over to the cooler and flips it open.

"Hey, you wanna beer?"

"I don't drink alcohol on an empty stomach."


"No, I don't drink that on any stomach! Did you bring any water?"


"And I suppose the spigot water isn't potable."

He cocks his head. "Potable?"

"Do you have any vocabulary in your brain? Potable means drinkable."

"Drinking water be boring."

"You'd be more healthy if you drank water like -" You stop. You might drink water but here Gamzee was ripped despite his beer and Faygo diet while you weren't. Life was unfair. "Never mind, you do you while I die an early death."

He takes out a beer for himself. He just had to bring that cheap awful brand to go with the cheap awful brand of soda. You'll probably end up drinking that beer anyway. Cheap beer is better than cheap soda. Beer gets you drunk while soda just leaves you with shame.

He opens the bottle with his teeth (!) and takes a first gulp. His Aadam's apple bobs and you are aware of how long his neck is. He's like a swan. A tattooed swan. He closes the cooler and uses it as a seat. He nurses the bottle after that. No police come after him for drinking.

"Drinking beer in the great wilds..." Gamzee says as he looks into the horizon, "Cops can't touch this high. Cut them if they try."

"You know, you're awfully down on cops for someone whose dad and uncle are Blue Lives."

He turns back and points his finger at you. "Hey, I still respect my father's memory in my own way and don't you forget it." His voice is still gentle but there's an edge to it.

"Okay, okay."

"I ain't bringing up your dead parents. How do you get your respecting on with them?"

Your heart is struck but you snap back, "Renovating out of existence evidence of their bondage phase."

Gamzee gasps.

"It's a motherfucking joke," you add, "I think it should be obvious from all the times you meet them that those two only had sex once in their entire lives."

Gamzee scratches the back of his neck. "Yeah, I can figure that."

"Jokes aside, I miss those two. It sucks having to live in my childhood home. I don't stay in the master bedroom because that's too creepy. Even if they never had sex there it's still wrong. I keep expecting them to come home and complain about all the work I've had done to the place and I'll have to tell them 'that's what's fucking marketable today, I have to sell the house to afford grad school!' and they'll be like 'what about all the money we saved up thinking we'd have a retirement in Boca Raton instead of dying at fucking forty-five’' - Gamzee, beer me."

Gamzee gets off the cooler and procures a beer. He opens it for you in his manner. You take a sip and yup that's cheap beer. You drink on anyway.   

Eventually, the processed stew bubbles up enough. Gamzee takes out two handy collapsible bowls and ladles two servings out. You both get a spork and dig in. The Campbell's Chunky heated over the fire tastes like Depression Meals in the Great Outdoors. At least it's better than fish. You wash it down with terrible beer.

"Ain't it nice to have a home-cooked meal for once?" Gamzee asks.

"This isn't homecooked."

"Not technically."

"Not technically? Not at all! You didn't make it from scratch."

“Then ain’t it nice to have a meal?”

"I have a meal every day. Twice sometimes!"

"And be grateful for that since you might one day have no meals at all!"

"Yeah, I'll probably have to stop eating to afford living in LA."

"Maybe you ain't gonna be living in LA."

"You mean New York? That's also expensive plus you can't get Broadway tickets."

"Could you set your motherfucking roots down in Midland?"

"What the fuck am I going to direct in Midland? Our Town and Fantasticks for the four hundredth time? Though admittedly The Fantasticks is still a slammer after all these years."

"There be other shit you could get into."

"Maybe you can be happy working at the same job as you did in high school but I didn't go through five fucking years of college and plan on top of that to go to grad school so I could work in a fucking Walmart or something. Directing is my childhood dream."

"Thought your dream was to be a knight."

"My childhood dream after I stopped being a stupid kid."

"What 'bout Jarhead?"

"Look, that's also filled under 'stupid kid ideas'. That phase is finished."

"And so yo current phase of life. And your stew. Want some s'mores?"

"It'd be illegal not to have them. Might be the only good part of camp food."

Gamzee brings out s'more supplies. He has Official S'more Sticks for you to use. You put one marshmallow on your stick and he puts as many as he possibly can.

"Glutton," you say.

"Taste good, man."

You eat one s'more and Gamzee eats who knows how many. They do taste good.

When you are done, you wash your utensils and hands under the handy water spigot.

Despite yourself, you drink another beer.

"This beer is getting to me."

"You drunk?"

"No, I'm not that bad. But I am feeling maudlin. Thinking about that stupid crash my parents were in. My dad was a perfect driver and never drove with a drop of alcohol in his blood but somehow he still crashed. What is the deal with that?"

"You be thinking there's a deal?"

"What, are you going to say it was a miracle?"

"Nah, just gonna say he was dealt a bad card. My ma got done in by a table and my pa got done in by a scared crook. That's just life."

"We both got dealt the worst cards."

"Hey, speaking off cards, wanna play Pokemon? Still light out."


Gamzee goes to his backpack and takes out two decks. You think he brought those expecting this trip to be with Tavros. You hope one of those decks aren't the belongings of the ex-boyfriend. You used to play Tavros in middle school. You don't remember ever beating him (though you could sure beat Gamzee). In high school you decided it was too childish and Magic the Gathering was better. You weren't any better at Magic the Gathering than Pokemon but you thought it more worthy of your time. You aren't a high schooler anymore and don't give as much of a fuck if it's a children's card game.     

"Whatever. You've probably played it more recently than me so you'll have to remind me how it works."

You wonder if that was a bad thing to say but Gamzee doesn't seem pained by the reminder.

"Choose up your deck," he says, holding them out.

"Is there any difference between them?"

He shrugs."I ain't remembering. We can switch off if you think I got the better off you."

You chose the deck on the left. You like the left side. The left side is for cool people.

"This deck better not be devoid of mana."


"Yeah, energy. So, what do we do first?"

"First you get your motherfucking shuffle down like a motherfucking boss."

He shuffles the deck from hand to hand like a movie card sharp. What a show off. You shuffle the normal way like a normal human being.

"Second, we flip out a coin to see who goes first. Hey, we can use that motherfucker all hanging from your neck."

You touch your coin pendant through your shirt. "No fucking way, I'm not going to lose my inheritance through a fucking children's card game. My great-grandma didn't smuggle this past the Nazis for that."

"Forget that then. So, how did she get on smuggling?"

"Is this really the place to bring up the Berša Bibahtale? On a fun little camping trip? Read the campsite, dude. There's no way that story can be told in this context."

"My bad."

"Anyway, I'll just let you go first."

"Y'know, maybe we could play for Strip," Gamzee says with a wink.

"No way! How would that even work?"

"I'd work out pretty motherfucking well for you since I'm half-way to stripped out."

"God, ewww. Seeing you once was enough for a lifetime."

Gamzee winks again. Why must he flirt with you? Maybe that's just his way of getting over Tavros.

As you go along, he explains more of the game to you. You pick it back up again. As you play, you notice there's lots of Fairy and Flying types in the deck.

"Did you fucking steal this deck from Tavros?" you ask.

"Nah, just a coincidence."

"If you did steal it, you better give it back."

"It's been a while. Possession be something something."

"It's only been a month."

"Oh, yeah, a month."

"I have shit I forgot to return to Terezi but it'd be weird giving it back now. And before you ask none of those things are underwear or sex toys. Just this one Dragonriders of Pern Braille copy. Speaking of dragons, my Dragonite is going to punch your dick now."

You beat Gamzee yet again. If you had been playing for clothes, he'd be down to the bone. Not that you'd want to see that.

"I still got it," you say.

"You always had it."

"Not against Tavros. He's lived and breathed Pokemon since fucking infancy. I guess now he won't drive you wild wheeling out for raids at all hours."


"Like Pokemon Go raids."

"I don't be knowing much of anything about Pokemon Go."

"You mean he never talks about it? Seems out of character."

"Don't think it was a thing when we were dating."

"That was only a fucking month ago! Unless..." You stand up. "Gamzee, did he break up with you years ago?"

Gamzee hangs his head. "April 10, 2016 to the day."

"Why did you tell me it was like fucking yesterday?"

"I mean, when I hit you up again and you asked on Tavros and I said we ain't a thing anymore, you up and acted like it was yesterday and I just...went along with it."

"Why the Hell did you go along with it? Scratch that, why didn't you tell me two fucking years ago?"

"I kinda did. Took my Facebook status off In a Relationship."

"That's not telling me! I don't check that! I barely check Facebook! That's just for my old relatives. Couldn't you have texted or IMed me?"

Gamzee hung his head. "I be kinda busy feeling like I be dead inside."

"And now two years later you are perfectly fine and making a fool of me. This goddamn fucking flies-infested camping trip is a waste!"

He looks back up at you. "Being with me is a waste?"

"Yes! No!" You take in his sad expression and sit down in shame. "I mean no, it's not a waste. I guess the landscape is the creation of the spirit of the universe and s'mores are delicious. But I would have preferred to stay home and write. Or spent hours going through Tumblr and Twitter which is more likely."

"You don't wanna spend time with me?"

You sigh. "Fine. Let's play again."

"Not if a bro don't wanna play himself a -"

"LET'S PLAY AGAIN. Let's just play another game and pretend we didn't both shove both our feet into both our mouths like some confused baby!"

Gamzee shuffles his deck again. "Okay."

So you play another game. Gamzee manages to beat you. Maybe you let him, maybe you didn't.

After that, you go into the tent and read while Gamzee goes off and entertains himself some other way.

Eventually, it gets a little too dark in the tent to read. You are drawn out of your pirate tale by the realities of this world. It must be ten. Ten o'clock already? Might as well go to sleep. You take your bath caddy, towel, and flashlight on your long trip to the bathhouse.

"I'm going to the bathhouse to take a shower," you tell Gamzee, who is currently playing with a cat's cradle.

"Can this dirty motherfucker come with?"


"Can we share a stall?"

"What? No!"

"Worth asking."

He stands up and goes into the tent. He comes out with a bar of soap and a towel. Does he clean everything with one bar of soap?  

Your flashlight lights the way. It's still only twilight but the woods are dark.

"So," you say as you walk along, "You aren't pissed about what I said?"

"Would it make a difference? That shit can't be unsaid. No point being bitter when your life be so damn short."


In the men's section of the bathhouse, a father instructs his sons how to brush their teeth. It makes you both miss your dad and want to never have children.

You enter a tiny stall and undress except for the gold coin medallion. Probably not sanitary leaving it on but the bathhouse isn't sanitary anyway. Look at all those spiderwebs! You turn on the water and wait for it to get boiling like you like before realizing it never will and taking a lukewarm shower.

Gamzee finished his shower long before you but waits. You brush your teeth. He doesn't.

Together, you walk back to the campsite. Gamzee is the first to strip to his boxers and slide into his bag.

"Good night, my motherfucking best friend!"

"Good night."

You strip to your undershirt and boxers and get into your sleeping bag. Gamzee's long body takes up space and expands and collapses with his breathing. Have you ever shared such a close space in your long friendship? Gamzee wasn't in Boy Scouts, since the late Mr. Makara would never fill out an application for his only son when he could just fall asleep in front of the television. Whenever you had sleepovers, you'd still be on opposite sides of the room. You don't know how you'll sleep with such intimacy. Yet somehow the intimacy makes it feel easier to fall asleep. His rhythmic breathing is a lullaby. You find yourself breathing along. Eventually, you reach unconsciousness.

Vague images fill your mind's eye but don't tell any stories. You think you hear Terezi's smokey voice. There's a presence on your curly hair. A very nice presence actually. Like a massage from a hair stylist. You don't resist it. You just sink into it. Eventually, your body rolls over and the extra light makes you wake up and above you way too close is Gamzee's face. He looks just as shocked as you feel.

You ask, "Gamzee, what the fuck are you doing?!"

"Oh, um, shit, I must have been"

You groan. "That a thing? Whatever, don't fucking do it again."

There's a click and the tent is dark again. So things should return to normal. It was just a weird incident you'll never talk about again.

You fall asleep.    

Chapter Text

This morning, the air in the tent is strangely damp and cold though it hasn't rained. Outside, various morning birds sing. Gamzee is the one to wake you up, of course.    

"Good motherfucking morning, my motherfucking best friend!" he yells.

"The fuck?! What time is it?!"

"It be dawn so I guess...six AM?"

"Feels more like five."

"Gotta make the motherfucking best of the day!"

"Making the best of the day would mean sleeping in."

"You won't be making all that whining noise when yo smell slope smells my motherfucking wicked-best coffee."

"What, made with pump water?"

"Oh, yeah, I'll fetch some bathhouse water."

"Doesn't sound that much better than pump water."

"I think you'll find it miraculously good."

"Just wake me up when you've made it and I'll try to swallow it down for your sake."

You close your eyes and listen as he leaves the tent. You fall into a half-sleep, not a full one since your bladder is pressing on you. If only he had first woken you up after he made the coffee, not before. At least he's in a good mood, despite your cutting words last night. You might be close to actually falling asleep when he wakes you up again.

"Motherfucking brown bean brew!" he cries.

You open your eyes and sit up to see him carrying a steaming metal mug of coffee into the tent.

"Coffee?" you ask.

"Three sugars and no milk, just the way you like it!"

You take the mug from him. You blow on it enough that you can take a small sip. It's sweet but not smooth.

"Do ya taste the cherry and almond notes?" he asks.

"I taste grinds and that weird perfumey taste bathroom water always has."

Gamzee's face falls. "But I got it from that coffee shop you all liking more than Starbucks."

You take another sip. "This isn't instant? Why did you bring real coffee on this trip?"

"Only the best for you!"

"Then you should have brought bottled water. Expensive coffee means nothing when mixed with bad water."

"At least you getting your caffeine on."

You drink more. "True. The caffeine is reaching my brain. The day seems bearable."

"Next, we got flapjacks!"

He leaves the tent. You crawl out of the tent carefully while holding the mug. You slip on your flip-flops. With a mug in hand, you look out at the sunrise. The orb is completely over the watery horizon by a millimeter. Everything is a little hazy with morning fog.

Over the busy fire is a skillet. Gamzee pours out two yellow blobs out of his convenient pour jar of pancake mix onto the hot surface. The smell of flapjacks is already in the air.

You say, "I'm going to the bathhouse while you cook. God, I wish it weren't so far away."

"You could always get your piss on in the woods."

"Again: no."

You set your coffee aside and go off to the bathhouse. When you come back, he presents you with two perfect pancakes. You are stuck with the desire to photograph them before remembering Gamzee has your phone. You could demand he give you your phone for this occasion but you don't feel like bothering. Hell, maybe you shouldn't be taking photos of everything like a goddamn hipster. Before eating, you put some syrup on the pancakes. You wash them down with your now-lukewarm coffee. You guess you can taste a little almond now that the coffee isn't burning hot. Gamzee eats his own little perfect pancakes.

"Ain't it sweet as this syrup to start a day out like this?" he asks between bites.

"I'd still prefer sleeping in."

"Waking up in that bed of yours all alone?" He tsks.

"Don't rub it in."

You both finish eating around the same time. When everything is cleaned up from breakfast and the fire is firmly put out, Gamzee says "Hey! Let's take ourselves a hike!"

"Are we going to pack up everything or are we going to leave the entirety of our belongings unattended?"

"What, you think some motherfucker gonna steal a whole tent? We'll bring only that that's real important."

First, you get dressed, in long pants and a quarter-sleeve shirt. Then, you put on sunscreen and bug repellent. You pack up a few things and go into the woods. There are various trails to take and Gamzee chooses one he claims is not too hard but not for babies. It's a struggle following him since his stride is enormous. He does stop every once and a while to point out a cool mushroom or watch a squirrel.

Other times, he recites rap lyrics. He starts doing "Miracles" by Insane Clown Posse.

You say, "That song is so stupid. Magnets aren't miracles."

"Then how do they work?"

"It's basic! You got a positive charge and a negative charge and they come together."


"Because...they're magnetic? Fuck, don't ask me, I'm a liberal arts major."

The trail doesn't remain sea-level but starts to go up a rocky path. Gamzee leads. He can climb like a goat but you climb like an obese pony.

"Why the fuck are we going uphill?" you ask.

"There be a fan-fucking-tastic view up here! Trust me."

You trust him but don't stop bitching until you reach the top of the outcrop. It is a fantastic view. Maybe even fan-fucking-tastic. There are a few other hikers also here. They are drinking water and taking panoramas and selfies. Your first instinct is to get your phone before you remember you don't have it. You don't take selfies though. Nobody wants to see your face blocking a landscape.

You sit down on a rock together. Gamzee points at the island that was only a blob on the horizon back at the beach. You can see more of it from this angle, but still not much.

"Pretty nice to own that island," he says.

"Nobody owns that island, nimrod. This is a state park. Everything here belongs to the State of Michigan."

"Except the island."

"Including the fucking island."

"So you think."

"I don't have a map on me but I am sure I'm right."

Gamzee shrugs. You decide to drop the subject and enjoy the view of the island, forgetting who owns it.

After a moment, Gamzee says, "You know, when Tavros dumped me, I thought about flinging myself into that void."

You turn away from the beautiful landscape to look at your friend. "What? You, the optimistic cheery little clown, suicidal? How suicidal are we talking about?

"A little, but religion saved me. Grasped me away from the void and showed me my true purpose."

"Cheers to the Unitarian Universalists of America."

"Cheers to them. Hey, let's break out the Faygo!"

You'd groan but you are thirsty. Gamzee opens his pack and takes out some Faygo, beef jerky, and granola bars. You finally drink some fake strawberry syrup.

"I'm so tired," you say, "I could barely climb up here."

"Tavros couldn't climb up at all."

"Maybe you'll get a boyfriend or whatever you can enjoy physical stuff with." Gamzee cocks his head and your face goes hot. "I mean, like climbing or bow-hunting or swimming, not sex!"

"Sex is pretty motherfucking sweet though." He winks.

Your face is hotter now and you wonder if yelling about sex in front of all these hikers made it worse.

"I don't even want to talk about sex with you," you mutter.

"It's all just a motherfucking part of life."

"I know, I know."

"You got that real lewd shit in those novels you be reading."

"Yeah, but that's important to the plot."

"Sex always important to the plot of life."

After a while resting, you clean up your trash and leave. The hike down isn't that much easier for you. Gravity is not your friend either way. You are relieved when you get back to the camp.

After your hike, you rest a little and reapply sunscreen and bug spray. You are about to go back to your novel when Gamzee brings up an idea.

"Let's get our swims on! You said you would."

"You really want to see me in a swimsuit so bad?" You sigh. "Well, it is hot and I could use a cool-off."

You go inside the tent and get changed into swim trunks. You leave on a white shirt. Put the gold coin medallion away. You come out of the tent to see Gamzee naked. You turn your head away.

"Awww," says Gamzee's voice from out of your sight, "You wearing a t-shirt to swim?"

"We can't all be nudists."

"But you like that Never-Nude Dude from what's-the-shows-motherfucking-name-be."

"Arrested Development and that show is a treasure."

"Ain't it got cousin-fucking?"

"What!?" You turn to look at him in shock then turn your head away. "Look, I don't think it ever got that far and technically they were...are you heading down to the beach?"

Indeed, Gamzee is heading down to the beach. You follow. You don't take your flip flops off in the water though it makes things a little difficult. The water is cold even considering it's midday midsummer but you just have to go all in. It's the air that makes you cold. Gamzee swims like a dolphin and you paddle around like a dog.

You don't spend long swimming, though. When you are done, you go back to the bathhouse to clean. Gamzee doesn't get why but he's a dirty boy.

When you are fully clean, dressed, and back at the camp, you go to read your novel. Gamzee brings up another idea.

"Let's go fishing!"

"Again? We didn't have any luck last time. Or fun."

"You totally had fun all chewing the fat on that chubby guy from Frozen."

"I can do that on firm dry land. Also his name is Josh Gad and he was nominated for the 2011 Tony Award for Best Leading Man."

Gamzee takes a six pack of Schlitz out of the cooler. "We can also drink."

"Again, an activity just as easily done on dry land."

"Come oooon, brooooo."

You sigh. "Fine. All right."

So you go fishing. Gamzee rents two fishing poles again. It's his money. He brings the fishing supplies while you bring the beer that makes fishing bearable. You've seen other campers drinking booze by this point so you aren't worried about the cops. Gamzee sets up both your lines and opens both your beers. You sit around with a pole in your hand and drink the beer so many white cleancut men in the nineteen fifties were curious about in those ads.

"I ain't never go fishing with my old man," Gamzee says, "Ain't never do much of anything with my old man. He just watched television. Guess that be his right as Man of the House after a long day but I sure as hell wish he watched something other than golf."

"Golf is the worst sport."

"I hear ya. Anyway, Kurloz been making up a lot of fathering to me."

"I remember when you were always complaining about Kurloz being all fatherly and telling you shit like you couldn't sleep in the coat closet."

"I've seen the motherfucking light. Got out of the closet. Maybe he should have been my father all up in the first place."

"What? When he was six?"

"Only idle speculating."

"How did he even get to adopt a child at age 22?"

"Don't you remember? His parents be in Arizona and they ain't want me leaving my school."

"But Kurloz let you drop out."

Gamzee laughs. "That he did. Everyone was pissed but it was my right."

The beer goes down smooth. You soon finish one beer in the midday heat and start on another one.

"When we run out of fish in the sea," you pontificate, "the saying 'there's always more fish in the sea' is going to be cruelly ironic."

"No more motherfucking fish?" Gamzee asks.

"Though it is already cruelly ironic. Not every fish is the same. Nobody is cheered up by that trite saying."

"Does no more fish include these motherfucking Great Lakes?"

"This isn't about fish, this is about love!"

"But fish be important too."

"Okay, our current global environmental collapse is important. But it would be easier if we had partners."

"I kinda do have a motherfucker."

You turn to him. "You've been keeping another secret from me? Who is he? Or she, you are bisexual, right?"

You think Gamzee is blushing but it might just be the heat. "That's a secret...for now."

"Fine. Just remember to invite me to the wedding. Hell, you can even make me Best Man."

He looks off into the distance. "Don't think we can be getting married."

"Gamzee, this news might have passed you by since it wasn't a rapper feud but they legalized gay marriage in the United States."

"Ain't legalized everything yet."

"You mean weed? That's on its way to be legalized. So that's looking up at least in this shitty world."

"But what about them motherfucking fishies?"

"Just ignore the fishes for now!"


A few moments past. The lake buzzes. The beer gets drunk. You think of something else to say.

"But I know there is a fish out there for me."

"That's the motherfucking spirit, bro!"

"Glad you agree."

"See? You like fishing."

"I don't literally mean a fish. I mean someone to love. I'll find them someday."

"Might be closer than you think."

"Well, I did have a second date with Andrew that didn't go so bad."

"Who the fuck be this Andrew?"

"Oh, a college friend. You wouldn't know him. Yeah, you don't know most of my friends. I'm a dumbass for not introducing him like normal people. Anyway, he took the Jane Austen seminar with me and we were the only guys in the class so we-"

"Don't wanna motherfucking hear about it."

"Why the hell not?"

"I, umm, don't like Jane Austen."

"Oh, you did not say you don't like Jane Austen! That woman is a genius! I think everyone has the wrong impression of her. She's deeper than you think. You have to understand the position of women at the time of the Regency Era."

You then go into a long rant on Jane Austen until you lose your point and start complaining about the zombie genre. You stop when you notice your third bottle is empty.

"I should stop drinking like a fish."

Gamzee chuckles. "Fish."

"Shut up."

"Three beers ain't bad. That be what I just drank."

"Three beers is a lot when you're as small as me."

"But you fat."

"Oh thanks a lot. Like I don't know that. Don't bring that up, you asshole."

"I think all your chub be cute as motherfucker."

"I don't. If you like chub so much you can get fat yourself instead of being weirdly ripped."

"You've noticed?"

"You've gone around shirtless enough."

"So do you like what you - holy shit!"

There's a pull on Gamzee's line. He uses his muscles to reel it in. You put down your rod and watch him fight. The colorful fish struggles against its captor only to lose in the end.

"Holy shit indeed!" you yell mid-fight.

"Ain't that big," he says as he finally gets it in the bucket, "Only ten inches."

"Humble brag. Well, are we done?"

"Don't you wanna catch a fish too?"

"Well, if you can catch a fish in these waters, so can I. Let's do it."

So you take back up your rod and start fishing.

"I know I'm supposed to be enjoying nature," you say, "But what I really want to do is watch one of GameBro's videos."

"Umm, GameBro?"

"Yeah, he's this Korean-American guy who does reviews of weird 90s games and he's such a lisping douchebag but I can't stop watching his videos. Maybe I just have a fetish for blond skaters. Even ones with badly dyed hair. But he did look fit in that Halloween video he did when he was running around shirtless fighting zombies."

"You gone seen all his motherfucking videos?"

"Well, he hasn't updated since Valentine's Day. Guess he got dumped for spending his time making videos and not spending time with his girlfriend. Or boyfriend. He does give off those queer vibes. So he's spending months depressed."

"Yeah, that's probably it, the poor motherfucker."

"Now I'm thinking about all the other youtube videos I could be watching instead of fishing. Gamzee, can I have my fucking phone back?"

"Ha ha, not a chance, bro. You got to enjoy all this miraculous nature around you."

"Can I do that while watching Thomas Sanders?"


You sigh.

After some time, Gamzee says, "So next Friday be your birthday."

"Yeah, my 23rd birthday. But I'm not doing much for it. There's really no need to celebrate birthdays after the 21st. Celebrating this one would just remind me I couldn't complete undergrad college in exactly four years and I have only two years left to pull an Orson Welles."

"Orson Welles?"

"The director of Citizen Kane...though you probably remember him as the frozen pea commercial guy."

"Ain't remember him as either."

"Yeah, I should have known you wouldn't know him."

"You know you a Cancer."


"You were born under the star sign Cancer."

"I don't put any weight on that astrology bullshit."

"Maybe astrology puts weight on you."

"It makes me fat?"

"It makes you emotional and warm and ready to take on that action and try never to make mistakes."

"Who ever tries to make mistakes on purpose?"

"Not you, that's for sure."

"How about you? What is your astrological sign?"

"Both me and Kurloz be Capricorns."

"What's the deal with Capricorns?"

"We be ambitious and practical but all gloomy and pessimistic."

"That doesn't sound like you at all."

"Kurloz be more the sea goat than me but I think I'm pretty goaty."

"While I am a crab...or a disease. Which came first, the shellfish or the disease?"

Gamzee shrugs.

"Speaking of fish, I don't think I'm going to catch any."

"Don't you wanna catch a big wriggling one?"

"I would like to win at this stupid non-sport but I'd also like to eat. You've got one big enough for the both of us."

"Fair enough."

You take your bucket with the one fish and go back to shore. Gamzee prepares the fish while you refuse to watch because you know you'll never eat it if you see its innards. You start the fire from his example. He seasons the fish, wraps it in aluminum foil, and puts it in the fire.  When it's done, he uses tongs to take it out of the fire and lets it cool before unwrapping it. You both eat half of the rainbow trout. It tastes good, for fish at least. You wash it down with beer.

You say, "Tavros was a dumbass to dump you with this fine cooking. You made fish edible!"

"But he be a vegetarian."

"Okay, yeah, but you can cook other things. Point is, I don't know why he dumped you."

"We just going different places in life. He wanna go around the world, visiting zoos and fixing up all the rarest of animals, while I -"

"Just want to stay home and poke holes in people."

Gamzee sighs. "Yeah."

"But for real, was Tavros cheating on you?"

"I used to be all thinking maybe it was this dude Michael who be his lab partner or maybe even Vriska. But I ain't heard of him dating no one new. He jumped from me into loneliness. Preferred it."

"That's harsh."

You finish dinner and clean up. There's still light in the sky as you sit around the fire.

You say, "You are lucky Tavros never cheated on you. Terezi probably cheated on me at least once. Maybe even three times! Don't have any proof but she was a shameless irritating flirt."

"I gotta be real with you, Karkat bro..."

"What is it this time?"

"I slept with Terezi."

"What the fuck?!? You fucking fucked Terezi?! When the Hell did you do that?"

Gamzee holds up his hands. "Look, it was Christmas 2015 and you motherfuckers weren't a thing anymore."

"For like a whole month. And you were with Tavros at the time! How could you cheat on that poor innocent boy?! No wonder he broke up with you!"

"Nah, Tavros never found out and he ain't never gonna find out."

"Why would you do it?"

"We was drunk and lonely and kinda horny and hanging out and it...just happened."

"These things don't just happen. How long have you been interested in her?"

"Always thought she had a prime ass but I ain't never really thought about her much until that night."

"And now you do think of her? How often?"

He holds up an index finger, "We only banged once. Hit it and quit it."

"Don't fucking refer to it that way. You do not 'hit' a girl like Terezi."

"Thought you said she cheated on you all the time. Why you so mad I hit on it?"

"Because you're my friend! And I was just saying she was a slut because I'm bitter but it turns out she was one?"

"Once ain't bad. She just a harmless flirt. Don't think she ever meant to hurt a sweet motherfucker like you."

"Well, if that was her goal she failed miserably. Hope she fails everything else."

"Hope so too, for your sake."

You put your head in your hands. "This news is just the fucking worst."

"Maybe a little of the old green stuff will make a motherfucker feel better."

"I thought you weren't waking and baking like you used to."

"That's why I only said a little. Wanna try?"

You roll your eyes. "I haven't smoked since junior year of high school. That shit never did much for me. Mostly made me paranoid and hungry."

"We got munchies if you get the munchies and you can't be paranoid around your oldest friend, can you?"

"My oldest friend who slept with my girlfriend."

"Come on, let bygones be bygones! Forget that slutty bitchass ho."

You sigh. "I guess being high will distract me from that romantic disaster."

He takes a Ziploc bag with two joints out of his backpack. The drug wasn't even in some clever space. The joints are tiny though you remember him always smoking ones the size of a burrito. Times have changed.

Though you've been drinking out in the open, you go inside the tent for this. Maybe it's a bad idea doing it in there but out in the open might be worse. You sit cross-legged facing each other. Gamzee sparks his joint with that ridiculous gun lighter. You breath in deep while his flame shoots your joint. You hold in your breath because you're not a noob and OWWW motherfuck it burns worse than you remember and tastes like plastic! Did pot always taste this disgusting or did Gamzee manage to find the worst strain possible?

"What lonely middle schooler did you buy this disgusting weed from?"

"I made these joints all my motherfucking self."

"You're in that business?" You roll your eyes. "Once a pothead, always a fucking pothead."

He chuckles. You continue smoking because you're a masochist. Maybe the pain in your lungs will help you to forget. At least you don't feel paranoid or hungry. You don't really feel much of anything.

You make some light conversation with Gamzee about where the hell 420 came from when all of a sudden your friend explodes into a million purple fractals. This isn't the gentle psychedelics of marijuana.

You yell while you can, "Did you just dose me with L-S-fucking-D?"

The expanding purple fractals say, "DM-motherfucking-T actually, bro. Do you -"

If he says anything more you don't know because his voice is exploding into fractals as well. The purple of him and the yellow of the tent are swirling together. You must leave the tent but when you do you are sucked into the void of huge sky overhead. You thrash, trying to get back down to the ground. You don't want to float away like a balloon! But the ground isn't any safer. It is undulating. Still, it's better than the firework-filed sky.

A grey hand snatches you from right out of the sky. The hand belongs to a hulking horned demon clown like the ones on Gamzee's tattoos. Its horns are tall and curly and the orange-and-yellow color swirls like a Halloween barber's pole. The demon's makeup is a screaming maw over a manic grin. Its eyes are glowing yellow with tiny purple irises which would be invisible if the whole thing weren't so big. It's dressed in flashing purple stripes. It looks over you like it's going to devour you. Instead, it takes your limp body and stretches it out over a cross.

You hang on that cross the entire night. The sun goes down and more stars than should be visible come out. You can breath just barely but you know eventually you'll suffocate. That's how it works with crucifixion. You're going to die with this demon clown laughing and honking at you and you haven't gotten to accomplish anything in life. Your college experience meant nothing. You just had to smoke one little joint and now you're a D.A.R.E. cautionary tale. Part of you knows this is just a bad trip but that part of you isn't strung up on a cross.

The sun finally starts to rise, its path tortuously slow. Somehow, there are still stars. Campers go on their business, merrily exploding into fractals at will. The demon in a voice not heard with ears tells you that none of these people will help you. Your friend Gamzee won't help you either. Your mommy and daddy definitely can't save you. The demon already ate and shit them out. You spend a day in agony.

The big orange sun drops into the lake and sizzles as it melts. The demon, apparently losing patience over your slow death, takes its long yellow claws and slices your belly. Wriggling colorful rainbow trout pour out of your body into the lake and are mixed with the still-burning sun killing all the fish in the toxic lake and...

You are kneeling on a pier and dry-heaving into the lake with a hand on your back. The water has mildly interesting visual effects in its ripples but it isn't as intense as before. It's more like the effects of weed. The sun isn't in the water but rather low in the sky. Everything has the glow of late afternoon. When your stomach stops, you turn to the owner of the hand. It's Gamzee, of course. His hair is curling strangely but not that strangely.

"Fuck, it's Sunday," you say.

"Still Saturday," he says.

"What? How long has it been?"

He checks his phone. "Um...thirteen minutes."

"What? Only thirteen minutes? That entire trip lasted less than one sitcom plot?"

"Longer than mine. Lucky shit, since I could help you throw your lunch."

"But now the fishing is wasted." You shake your fists at him. "What was the whole fucking deal with dosing me with DMT?"

His eyes glow both figuratively and literally. "Did it expand your mind? Get you all friendly with death? See any fairies or aliens?"

"I saw demons. Awful gray-skinned candy-corn-horn demons."

"Sure they ain't aliens bringing you to another state of being?"

"Hell if I know, it's just a stupid chemical-induced hallucination."

Gamzee pulls his knees up close to his body. "They says when you dying your brain pumps out DMT."

"Yeah, I've watched Enter the Void too."

"Enter the void?"

"It's this artsy French movie. Dumbass American drug dealer gets shot in Japan and has a Tibetan Book of the Dead trip. I had to watch it for class and I was so bored."

"Was you bored on this trip?"

"Too scared out of my mind to be bored."

"Maybe the movie will be better now that you know all up close what D-Motherfucking-T be about."

"I'm not going to watch that movie again."

Gamzee nods his head. "That be true. You ain't never seeing that movie again."

"You still haven't answered why the fuck you dosed me with DMT."

"I thought it would help you all sort shit out in your life before you go up on to the next phase of life."

"How the fuck does a drug trip help me with fucking grad school? Am I supposed to do a movie about this?"

"Would it be a wicked one?"

You think on it. "The Christ thing is so first year and everyone is already scared of clowns. No, wouldn't make a good movie, so that's a bust."

"Christ? Clown?"

"I'll tell you in the morning, if ever. What did you see?"

Gamzee gave a very wide grin. "It's a secret."

"Fine. Don't tell me. Let's go back to camp."

You get up with Gamzee's help and walk back to camp. You pass one camper who looks at you strangely. You want to ask Gamzee if you did anything weird while tripping but you don't think you could bear to hear it.

Your stomach is now empty and whatever pot was in your tiny joint is helping your appetite. You eat an entire bag of chips and feel only almost full.

You go to the bathhouse to fill up your water bottle and end up drinking lots of water. You want to flush out your system.

When you get back to the camp, Gamzee has lit another fire. You watch the fire be swiggly while Gamzee talks about ayahuasca or something. You aren't as angry as you should be. Maybe that joint has enough actual weed in it to calm you down. Eventually it gets dark and you realize you are sober. Hopefully sober. Does DMT give you hangovers? You'll find out.

You go to the bathhouse to pee out everything. You don't bother showering. When you get back, you head straight to the tent. After finding out about Terezi and Gamzee's betrayal and getting dosed like you're in the fucking Central Intelligence Agency you want to call today a done deal. You strip down to your undershirt and boxers and get into your bag, like last night.

Not long after, you hear Gamzee come in. You assume he's going to sleep himself and the zipper noise you hear is his own sleeping bag. Then you feel a weight lifted off yourself, only to feel a pair of arms wrap around you. Is Gamzee trying to cuddle with you? That would be bad enough if you didn't feel a certain poking at your hip. Is that his hip? Please let it be his hip!

"Gamzee, what the fucking hell are you doing?!"

"Just trying to be one with a brother."

"One with? What the fuck do you mean?!"

"Aww, come on, you know all your sex ed by now."

It isn't a hip. Oh god, it's not a hip. That's his erection digging into your ass. You wiggle as much as you can surrounded by his fucking orangutan arms.

"What's wrong?" he asks.

You manage to get one arm free from his intensely strong grip.

"We can't fucking do this!"

He grabs the arm you just freed.

"But you single, right"

"I don't want to have sex with you!"

"Don't you love me?"

"Yes, you fuckhead, but that doesn't mean I -"

"-We don't have to do that - "

"Thank fuck, you've seen sense about -"

"- I can bottom!"


"Or we can 'bate and cuddle like you always be wanting!"

You kick his shin.

"I don't want to! I don't even want to touch you!"


"You are disgusting and I HATE YOU!"

He finally stops touching you. The weight is off your body but your heart is still in your throat. You want out of this tent. You want away from him. But where can you go? There's one place...

"Give me your truck keys," you say.

"You can't drive!"

"I know that, asshole, I just want to sleep there AWAY FROM YOU."

You mentally prepare for argument but instead he reaches over and hands you the keys. You take your backpack, flashlight, and shoes (san socks) and walk away.

As you pass the other tents, you wonder how much other people heard. Maybe a lot. Maybe all of it. You know any shame should be Gamzee's but you still feel embarrassed that probably all your fellow campers know tonight you almost got...that an incident happened. One guy still awake by the fire looks at you but whether it's because he overheard or because you're a moving object you don't know. You fear the former. The woods are scary at night but nothing is as scary as that tent right now.

As you try to walk the long path, tears fill your eyes. You were so fucking blind. He wasn't just being his old goofy self. That inept motherfucker was trying to seduce you. That's why he pretended he'd just broke up with Tavros, so he'd get some pity rebound sex from you. Plus whatever the meaning of confessing he'd banged Terezi was. You have been fooled by the stupidest of your stupid friends. You're a bigger clown than the stupid clown-gimmick rappers Gamzee loves so much.

You find your ex-friend's truck in Parking Lot 4 and get in. As you are settling in the backseat, you realize you forgot your water bottle. Your throat is dry but you decide fuck it, you're not leaving this fortress until it's light out. Covered in tears and snot you fall asleep.

Chapter Text

You wake up the next morning from your uncomfortable sleep by your attempted rapist rapping on the window. You are tempted to let him knock away forever but he's the one who can drive. You roll down the window just enough so you can talk.

You ask, "What do you want?"

"Good morning and I'm so motherfucking sorry, bro."

"Good morning and I don't forgive you. In fact, I want to end this fucking charade of a camping trip right now. Drive me to Marquette."

"Not motherfucking Midland?"

"I don't want a fucking road trip with some fresh beats and a cooler of Faygo! I want to go home alone."

"How will you all be getting home?"

"That's my fucking problem and not yours."

"Will you at least break that motherfucking fast with me?"


"Okay, will you come back to the camp?"

"Yes, but only because I left a few things there when I was running in holy terror from you."

He smiles. "Got it."

You put back on your shoes and get out of the car. Reluctantly you follow Gamzee back to the camp. He seems a little bouncy for someone who just lost a friend forever. You wish you were better dressed. At least it's early enough that nobody is around.

Eventually you reach the camp, where there's a smoldering fire. You head straight for the tent. In it you find your water bottle, your novel, and a pair of pants, though not the sleeping bags. You put on the pants in the cramped tent. After that effort, you drink heavily from the water bottle. You always get so thirsty in the morning waking up.

You leave the tent to find Gamzee offering you a mug of coffee.

He asks, "If you ain't gonna eat, could you at least drink?"

"What kind of credulous moron do you take me for? This is the fucking joint all over again!"

"I ain't gonna dose you with DMT again, I swear."

"Where's your mug?"

"I already drank a mug and too much coffee ain't so good for you."

"Show me it isn't drugged by taking a sip from my mug."

"That ain't too sanitary-like."

"Since when have you cared about that?"

"Come on, have some coffee, it'll make you feel relaxed."

He keeps pushing the mug at you and finally you knock it away from his hand. The mug falls to the ground, its likely-drugged contents soaking into the dirt.

He simply shrugs and says, "Suit your own self. Guess we'll just break down the tent."

You take another drink from your water bottle despite the stale perfumey taste. Better than coffee.

You start to take the tent down. It is the last thing you'll ever do together. This friendship is over. You'll never be friends again with...who is he? Where are you? What are you doing?

You ask, "What's...going...on?"

This guy with dreadlocks smiles wider than you thought possible. "They both be drugged."

Then nothing matters.


And then things do matter. You can barely move but you are conscious. Where are you? The bottom bunk of a bed. After several attempts you manage to turn your head enough to see Gamzee sitting on the top of the bunk across from you. He's wearing that goofy white-and-grey clown makeup you know he uses when he goes to horrorcore concerts. It makes his grin look bigger. You stare at each other for who knows how long until you can manage to speak.

"You frigging...dumpass..." Not the most clever thing you can say but you did just wake up. "Where are we?"

Gamzee answers, "Our cabin on an island."

You remember a boat. You think you remember a boat? Maybe you only remember a boat because he just said you're on an island? Are you really on an island? You do seem to be in a cabin. It's awfully wooden.

"Why are we here?"

He laughs. "We got plans for you. Can you move?"

You can move. You can try to move. Just move your big toe like Uma Thruman in Kill Bill Vol. 1 . At least you can still remember movies. Move your legs. That's it. Your right arm is sore...or is it your left arm? Eventually, you are sitting up.

"Yeah," you answer, maybe a half hour later, "I can move, no thanks to you. So what are these fucking plans you have?"

He tsks and shakes his head. "Y'know, you really should have made love to me all consensual-like when you had that motherfucking chance."

"You brought me all this way to rape me?"

He shrugs a shoulder. "Oh, there's also church biz but I might as well enjoy myself while -"

"Church? The Unitarian Church? They're having a kum-ba-yi mass retreat here? And why would you be wearing makeup for that?"

"I ain't saying Unitarian."


"Fuck the Pentecostal. This be the Church of the Mirthful Messiahs."

"The what? I've never heard of that."

"You ain't supposed to. It's aaaalll a mystery."

"Oh god. Oh fucking god. You're in a cult."

"Cult's just a word for a religion motherfuckers don't respect enough. They soon will."

"How does the makeup tie in? Is this juggalo shit? Oh god, the FBI is right."

"It related but it ain't some little musical gimmick. Joseph Bruce and Joseph Utsler just vessels of the Mirthful Messiahs, soon to be replaced."

"Replaced by who? What the fuck are you talking about? Who the living fuck are the Mirthful Messiahs?"

He snorts. "I underwent a fucking week of hardship your weak ass can't imagine before they even begun to tell me the truth. Took a year to become a full member. I ain't spilling everything to your buffalo ass."

"So it totally is a cult."

"Maybe we is a cult. But what's so bad about a few folks getting passionate about God and religion and keeping secrets with themselves?"

"Couldn't you do that with the Unitarians and leave the kidnapping out of it?"

"The Unitarians just be a bunch of pseudo-atheists who ain't truthful enough to admit they don't believe in nothing above or below. I tried for years to be spiritually-fulfilled with them but I ain't never quite clicked. But I knew I couldn't go back to my mother faith. Too motherfucking queer and tattooed. You know how it be."

"I'm not a religious scholar but I think there's more choices than Unitarian and -."

"- Then, two years ago my flesh-and-blood Kurloz introduced me to the Mirthful Messiahs and everything just finally..." He snaps his fingers. "...clicked."

"Kurloz is involved? Same guy who introduced you to ICP and weed when you were like fucking eleven or something? That asshole?"

"He be a better friend and more than you are. He helped when Tavros broke up with me."

"I would have helped if you told me about it!"

Gamzee shakes his head. "Too late, bro, too late. Now, it's time to kneel."

"I'm not going to kneel!"

"You don't have much choice here." He reaches back behind his waistband and takes out what looks like a tiny pistol.

"You can't fool me! That's just your cigarette lighter!"

He shakes his head. "You just fooled yourself."

Then he shoots right above your bunk. You aren't able to cover your ears. The pistol now looks very real.

You yell over the ringing in your ears, "You fucking idiot! This is a tiny room!"

"And this be a tiny gun. But it be powerful enough to give you such a harm if you don't get on kneeling."

You have no choice. You don't bother saying yes sir or whatever he wants. Using your barely-responsive limbs, you slowly get off of the bed and kneel on the rug. You put your hands behind your back and hate yourself a little for this reflexive submission. Yet maybe the less commands he has to give the better.

He jumps down off of the top bunk. He takes a pair of handcuffs off the desk between the bunk beds. He squats down beside you and handcuffs your submissive wrists. These aren't kinky cuffs or magic cuffs. These are police-issue cuffs. The weight drags down your weak arms.

He gets up and stands in front of you. He's so tall that your top of your head only comes up to his thighs. Still, you can feel his burgeoning erection poking at you through his jeans. That is not his hip.

"Too much of a short ass to suck me properly. Shame."

He steps back to the other bunk and sits down.

He says "You'll all have to crawl to me."

"Really? Literally crawl to you?"

He waves his gun lazily. You groan which is about the only rebellion you can do. So you crawl on your knees while he takes out his cock. That monstrous thing is twitching in anticipation. You don't want to get closer but you have to. Eventually, you are right up between his legs. This is really going to be the first time you ever taste a cock. You'd fantasized about it before (oh god have you fantasized about it) and you have had offers but it was never the right time or the right person. It's the worst time and worst person. Instead of moving you just look at his crotch.

Finally, Gamzee says, "I know my cod be wicked big enough for the screen but you ain't here just to stare."

He then pushes your head into his crotch. The heavy musk of his thick pubes invades your nostrils. You start licking his cock. It tastes salty and strange. He groans but the sensation doesn't seem enough for him.

"Come on," he purrs, "Open your mouth."

You open your mouth. Putting down his gun a moment (you have a chance!) he grabs your chin and forcibly opens your mouth (chance gone!). He shoves his huge half-hard cock into your mouth. It hits the back of your throat but you don't feel the reflex to vomit, probably because of whatever drug he gave you. His prying hands might also be a mercy because you'd have a hard time opening your mouth that wide. His hips move and he starts fucking your face. You can't breathe! There's a huge thing blocking your airway and his hand is right at your nose and you can't breath! Your arms try to move, try to flail and panic like you’re drowning which you are because you can't breath. Your head feels light again and your lungs ache. You'll pass out like before. No, you'll die here. You're going to die with this foot-long cock down your throat because your ex-friend is in a cult and-

He takes his hands off of you. You can breathe through your nose. You feel a warmth of gratitude before remembering there's nothing to be grateful for. Your head moves on its own over his cockhead. You are actually participating in this rape. The idea of biting comes to mind but as if reading your mind Gamzee puts the pistol against your head. After almost dying from asphyxiation you are too cowardly to risk death from gunshot. Up and down your head bobs. You aren't doing anything fancy. You just want him to come. He certainly sounds like he's enjoying it.

"Good job," he says breathy, "Very wicked good job. This be your first time? I'm the first cock you ever tasted?"

You don't want to be reminded of that. You don't want to be reminded of anything. You just think "up and down and up and down". How long is this cock anyway? Maybe a foot is an exaggeration but it's certainly over eight inches.

"You sure as hell doing good with that gag reflex. Tavros threw up his first and last time but you got it all in one."

You don't want to think about Tavros sucking an enormous dick and vomiting. You just want to think up and down and up and down. Is this dick longer than nine inches?

"Yeah, that's right," Gamzee says as if answering an unsaid question, "Tavros and me couldn't get much physical, as you'd say. His dick don't work, poor soul. Tavros and me, it was a sweet cute little match. Pure. But I got a purer match with my - oh god." He groans loudly. "That's so good."

Up and down. Up and down. The cock is now steel-hard and you don't care how long it is, you want it out of your mouth right now. But you don't want to die. You just have to please this fucking cock long enough that this torture is over.

"My - " He groans. "My lover and me are meant for each other. He be much better with a cock than you. But Jesus fuck don't stop now."

Your jaw is aching. You feel like it will never be closed again. Your entire face burns with pain. Your nose, which you thought you could breathe through, is now filled with snot. Tears run down your face.

Finally, Gamzee says, "I'm motherfucking close. Oh fuck am I close. You're gonna taste my essence you lucky motherfucker."

You feel relieved at this turn of events until Gamzee grabs your head again and face-fucks you harder than he did before. Then just as suddenly he stops and you feel the back of your throat get more gooey and he pulls out and you can taste the warm vile liquid on your tongue. It's not sweet cream like erotica. If it tastes sweet it's the sweet of onions and cabbage. The cum is thick and voluminous.

"Haven't spent since last Saturday," he answers an unasked question. "Been saving myself for you."

The cock twitches out its last bits of cum. He pulls his softening but still huge cock out of your mouth. You take big gasping breaths through your mouth. It's finally fucking over.

"It ain't over," he says.

He pull you up by your chin until you reach his shitty soul patch and he kisses you. As disgusting as it is for you it must be more disgusting for him since your mouth is filled with snot and cum. His tongue invades your mouth as if to clean his own fluids out. Now you feel you could vomit. He lets go of your chin and you pull away.

"Our first kiss," he says in a sing-song tone.

You want to say "our last kiss" but your jaw hurts. Besides, you know that quip will be a lie.

He then gives you a hard shove on your shoulder and you fall backwards onto the coarse rug. Oww! You hit your head and you're lying on your handcuffed arms.

"But it ain't fair you get to taste me and I don't get to taste you," he says as if any of this is fair.

He gets off the bed, leaving his gun on it. You can escape! No, you can't. He takes your handcuffed arms and pulls them until you are spread out evenly on the rug. It's a slightly better position. He pulls up your undershirt over your head. You feel him unbutton and pull down your jeans and boxers.

"You ain't hard?" he asks with a genuine surprise, "I was hard as steel when I first sucked a cock as big as mine."

Why the fuck should you be hard after the way Gamzee has treated you? If only you could argue, but your jaw hurts too much to talk.

"But I'll take care of that," he says as he continues to pull down your clothes.

Do you struggle? You should struggle. If you weren't a coward you would struggle. But your clothes are now off except your undershirt which is stretched over your head. You feel Gamzee's hands on your body and you flinch at first from the touch but otherwise stay still.

"My cute little chubby boy," Gamzee coos as he rubs your stomach like a lucky Buddha statue.

You are sensitive about your belly area but you are also sensitive in that area. Goosebumps rise. Cold sweat trickles down your armpits. You feel a wet warmth at your sides and is Gamzee licking your sweat?

"Mmmm, tastes good," he murmurs into your side.

His breath moves across your body until it reaches your left nipple and he starts sucking on it. Okay, you really really hate that one of your erogenous spots is your breast because you're not a girl and he's fucking you like a girl and did he suck Terezi's nipples? He moves off your left nipple only to go to your right. Both your nipples are hardening. You are actually reacting to this.

His mouth leaves your chest and now his hands go down to your crotch.

"Wow," he says, "You're getting all hard for me."

It's a cliche but your body is betraying you. This is the worst betrayal. Worse than Terezi's, maybe even worse than Gamzee's. You fucking hate your body more than you usually do.

"Such a small motherfucker," Gamzee says and now his betrayal is worse than your body's. "But I like it that way."

He pumps your "small motherfucker" while cupping your balls. You are getting harder with each pump. He puts his mouth on your dick and you both bite your lip and curl your toes. One hand reaches up to take care of your nipples. He's doing a good job, if you can call anything here good. It's been so long since you've gotten a blowjob. Ever since Terezi dumped you. You keep thinking about how Terezi always made these big exaggerated slurping sounds and Gamzee is making slurping sounds. Did she manage to suck his giant cock? The worst thought comes into your head: was it even consensual? You both want to know everything about that one night and nothing at all.

The pressure is building up. You want to come so this will be over but coming would also mean victory for your rapist. You wish you could ejaculate internally just to deny your rapist a taste of your cum but you've never figured out how to do it and you can't exactly Google it right now. You're a loser no matter what you do. You give up and come with a sad strangled cry. Gamzee doesn't stop until you're soft but he does stop.

It has to be over. He's come, you've been made to come, he can tie you up and shove you in a closet until the cultists come. Then the undershirt is pulled down again and you see Gamzee with his hard cock out. How long has it been since he came last? Where is his refractory time?

He says, "We ain't over yet. Time to get all up inside you."

You find your voice. "Fuck! No! Don't put that in me!"

Gamzee grabs a bottle out of the desk. He puts some of the translucent liquid onto his hands.

"Don't worry," he says as he rubs his hands, "I know all how it feels to have something this wicked big up inside. I'll make it easy on you."

"Easy on me?!"

"Yeah, easy on you, though you didn't make it easy on my poor motherfucking heart, breaking it and all."

He steps between your legs. You could kick him but you see that gun in hand's reach and don't. He spreads open your cheeks and swirls his thankfully-warm finger around your asshole. It doesn't feel too bad but you're too petrified with fear of what will soon happen next to enjoy it. After a few turns he sinks his index finger into your rectum. It's not the first time you've had a finger in your ass but it's never been the finger of your rapist. It goes in easier than it rightfully should, probably because you've been drugged.

"Awww," says Gamzee, "you sucking me in."

"Not doing this on purpose," you snap back.

He chuckles patronizingly. "Keep on relaxing for me."

He massages your rectum but you aren't feeling any pleasure. Luckily, you aren't feeling any pain either. At least not any physical pain.

"Gonna slip another finger in," he says and holy fuck NOW it hurts. Only two fingers and you're in pain. Sure, he has yaoi hands but two fingers aren't as big as his goddamn yaoi cock. Those mere two fingers are trying to pry you open like goatse.

You cry, "Get your fucking fingers out of me, you animal!"

"No can do," Gamzee says, his breath so heavy he can barely talk, "Got something bigger for you."

You see him stroke his cock with his other hand, though that's a two-hand job.

He pulls the fingers out but that's not a relief. He uses his fingers to apply a generous amount of lube to his cock.

"See?" he says, "I got this motherfucking cock all nicely glistened up for you. Don't have a motherfucking rubber but we ain't need one."

"Don't need one?!"

You don't trust him. You don't know if he has an STD or not. Just would make this shit a hundred times worse if you got AIDS or even just anal warts.

Again, he ignores your complaint. Instead, he places the oversized head of his cock at your one-way entrance and pushes in and somehow your body takes it but it doesn't want to. Your body is screaming. You want the cock out right now. You're full and uncomfortable and you don't want your first time to be this way with this goddamn betrayer. But he pushes in further until you can feel his balls against your ass. You've been invaded.

Now you start to struggle but it does no good. He's bigger and stronger than you and he has a gun to back it up.

"Calm the fuck down," he says in a whispery tone as if trying to soothe a bratty child, "I ain't even taken that much a stroke."

Yes, he is taking little inchworm strokes instead of banging away at your colon but that's not much mercy. An actual mercy would be not raping you.

"Fuck you," you spit out instead of saying something clever.

He chuckles in your ear. "You are."

You just break. You stop struggling. It's a defeat but there's no way you can win. You stare at the rustic ceiling and grit your teeth while your former friend has his way with you. You're so exhausted. Your face is already tear-wet from the strain of giving a blowjob but now you cry tears of despair. Gamzee is saying something about how good this feels and what a good little motherfucker you are but you don't listen.

After too long, he stops and you look from the ceiling to him. His face is scrunched up and his stupid makeup is smeared.

"Gonna breed ya," he groans.

Then there's a painful twitch and he's coming inside you. You want the vile liquid out of you.

"There," he whispers in your ear, "Filled you all motherfucking up."

He pulls out and finally you are empty. You are empty all over.

You hear him get dressed as you lie watching the ceiling. Then, he lifts you up into a fireman's carry. Your body is limp enough to do that. He takes you out of that bedroom into a main room. You don't take in many details of that room except to notice the red and gold coming through the windows. Another door and you are in a tiny bathroom. There's a sink, a mirror, a toilet, and a tiny slightly-mildewy shower stall. He carefully sets you down in the stall.

"Let's get them cuffs up and out of here. Ain't no fun wearing them," he says gently, then pats his back. "But keep in your mind I still got my Glock."

You nod weakly. There isn't any room here to run past him. You have nowhere to go.

He takes a key and unlocks the cuffs. The pain comes in as blood re-circulates in your wrists. You groan from it.

"Ain't that better?" Gamzee asks.

You shake your head.

Gamzee says, "Now a shower, that will all up make you feel better for sure."

You seriously doubt that. He pulls at your undershirt. You raise your arms because why resist? He throws the undershirt off somewhere. You are now naked as the day you were born. He turns on the shower and ice-cold water hits your tender skin. You hiss a "ffuck!" on impact.

"Just wait for it to warm up," he says patronizingly.

His prophecy does come true and the water warms.

"Too hot," you moan.

"You'll be right as rain soon."

He puts a soapy orange-scented washcloth against your body and he's touching you again all over your body. He's washing you as if he could ever wash off what he's done. He really thinks this makes everything better. And you let him wash you because there's nothing else you can do. You give him access so he can better clean the parts he made dirty. The water is boiling like he's disinfecting tools.

Suddenly, he changes the water to ice.

"Wakes up the motherfucking skin!" he yells cheerfully over your cries.

He turns the water off after that. Your body is engulfed in a fluffy towel. He rubs you with the slightly-ragged ends. When he's done, he puts the undershirt back on you.

"Let's go to the bedroom and pick all them rags that got off you."

He hurries you back into that same bedroom. Again you don't see much of the main room. In the bedroom, your clothes are strewn on the ground. You put them on yourself while Gamzee watches. It's only when you have everything you realize something is missing.

"Where is my coin pendant?" you ask.

Gamzee answers, "You can't have it no more."

Sometimes you can only be so numb and compliant. You turn to him and your vocal cords come alive.

"You fucking threw it in the lake, didn't you?" You start to pound on his chest like a frustrated girlfriend in a movie and despite the gun he holds his arms up in retreat. "You filthy gadjo ! My purri dai almost died for that! How could you do that to a friend?!"

"I ain't doing nothing that bad! I still got it."

"Then give it back!"

He pushes you back and points the gun at you. Now he remembers he's armed.

"Hell no, motherfucker."

This shuts you up. You tell yourself if it isn't in the lake you can still get it. Assuming Gamzee isn't lying and there's a very high chance he is. You'll find out later.

"Now," he says cheerfully, "What you want for dinner?"

You weakly answer, "Food?"

He pats your head with the hand not holding the gun. "Funny."

He backs up to the bedroom door and opens it one hand.

"Keep your sweet ass here while I fetch us some sandwiches and pop otherwise - BANG!"

He leaves. You immediately go to the desk and look inside it. No gold coin pendant. The universe wouldn't be so merciful as to provide you with the answers so quick. There might be something hidden behind the desk...but you are barely strong enough to move your own body, let alone a solid oak desk.

So here you are alone in the bedroom. It's not that creepy a bedroom. The window over the desk is bricked-up but there's light above. The furniture is in good repair and the bedsheets are clean blue-and-white checkers. No spiders to be seen. Where the hell are you? Who owns this cabin?

Before you can think more, Gamzee comes back with two wrapped white bread sandwiches and two goddamn Faygo. Rock 'n Rye, not Red Pop, as if that's an important detail. He sits down on the rope carpet and pats the area across from him. You sit down where he pats even though it hurts to do so. He hands you a sandwich and a Faygo. You pull at the plastic wrap idly. You think about the plastic smell and the crinkly texture and memories of school lunch and anything but the truth. You take too long so he grabs the sandwich and unwraps it for you.

"Let me help a homie," he says as he does.

He returns the sandwich. You take a bite and the condiment-free baloney sandwich is the driest food you've tasted. You open your Faygo, take a drink, and go back to eating. You take the tiniest bites. Your throat hurts too much from stress and more. The soda doesn't help but at least it's not Red Pop. Gamzee is finished with his sandwich far faster than you.

"You ain't hungry?" he asks.

What to answer? If you say no you might never get fed again. Yet you also want to stop this charade of a nice friendly indoor picnic. You can't take another bite. So you shake your head. He takes the sandwich from you.

"I'll wrap this motherfucker up for later. Did you enjoy it?"

You shake your head.

"Yeah," he says, "ain't much of a sandwich, but it was nice to get my eat on with you, just you and I, one last time."

"One last time...?"

"My siblings-in-faith are coming tomorrow and we ain't gonna have times all to ourselves." He sighs and looks off to the left. "I begged for this one last weekend to spend with my old friend Karkat. Begged and pleaded. And wouldn't you know it, lucky me got it."

He breathes deeply several times while you say nothing. Then his friendly face, with its juggalo makeup barely there, turns fierce.

He yells, "But you just had to motherfucking ruin it, didn't you, you dumbass buffalo motherfucker?! You couldn't just make love to me all consensual-like! You think I'm so disgusting 'cause I ain't never even finished high school while you're making out with some preppie named Andrew in the backseats of a theater showing a bullshit French flick you don't even like! Yet I am more motherfucking important than you! You just be an object, nothing more than a candle on an altar and ain't nobody worry if a candle wanna be lit! I should never have treated you as a person! Should've raped  you in the truck on some deserted-ass road!"

You say nothing during this rant. When he finally stops, he's breathing heavily. His face rearranges back into happy.

"Glad I got those pounds and pounds of bullshit off my chest," he says merrily.

He leans forward and kisses you on the forehead. You shudder but don't pull away.

He gathers himself up and goes to leave.

"Good night! Have yourself a comfy old rest. You got a long painful day tomorrow."

Your vocal cords move. "What's happening to-"

But he's shut the door. You hear a locking sound and, for good measure, the sound of sliding furniture. Like the imbecile you are, you rush to check the door. Can't get out. Why does this bedroom lock from the outside? What creep designed it? The door is a slightly-different shade than the rest of the room so it must be a custom job.

What time is it? There's no clocks or windows and your cell phone is probably long gone. It looked like seven o'clock in the main room. What you are sure of is it is Monday. No, Sunday, the DMT trip wasn't real. You aren't sure of anything except that door won't open until tomorrow.

Deductive powers exhausted, you fall face first on the bed you so unfortunately woke up on. It isn't long until you start crying. No, more like sobbing. Bawling even. The tears can't stop and you have no reason to stop them.

This is the worst situation you've gotten into, bar none. This isn't even a situation you thought you'd ever get into. You're in a goddamn horror movie and you don't even like them.

You're sore and exhausted and you don't care that it might be just four PM. You set your mind to falling asleep. You don't turn off the lights, you turn off your eyes. Sleep doesn't come as easy as you hope.

The idea niggles at you that if you had slept with Gamzee in the first place this never would have happened. It's a ridiculous idea since he was planning on kidnapping you for his cult from Day One and some sex from Love Master Karkat wouldn't convert him out of the merry messiahology church. Yet terrible ideas like that one aren't easily swept aside. It is even flattering to think you are to blame. Otherwise, you have no power at all in this situation.

You keep thinking you hear Gamzee and wake up only to find the room empty and the door locked. Eventually, you stop flinching awake and fall into a dreamless sleep.



Chapter Text

"Wake up!" yells Gamzee.

Why are you in a bed? Is the camping trip over? Oh, it's over. That happy merry gay time is over and you're stuck in this nightmare.

You turn your head up and see Gamzee in his awful paint towering above you. He's the one responsible. You shudder seeing him but there's not anything you can do but sit up.

"Huh?" you ask.

He presses into your hands a chipped mug from Hard Rock Cafe Detroit. Inside the mug is a steaming black liquid.

"What the fuck is this?" you ask.


"You really think I'm going to drink coffee after oh fuck I give up. Maybe being drugged would be better."

You drink the coffee. Now you can taste all the good flavors.

"So when will the drugs kick in?" you ask.

"Umm, caffeine happens on you pretty quick."

"This is seriously just coffee? God, you're a weird captor."

Whatever it is, you finish it quickly. Gamzee takes the mug from you.

"Now, let's get out of this motherfucking room," he says.

You follow him out of the bedroom. This is the first time you actually get to see the main room of the log-cabin. It's made of a warm oak. The heavy canvas drapes on the many narrow windows are up, letting in the morning light. On the left wall is an unused fireplace and next to it is an old TV sitting on a cabinet. Facing the TV is a wooden-box sofa and a matching loveseat; the third in the set is by your door. To your right is a small circular table covered in a red-and-white plastic tablecloth and surround by four wicker chairs. Around the corner, next to the bathroom, is a tiny kitchen. Separating the kitchen and main room is a counter with high bar seats done in red-and-white checkers. Off to the right wall is two doors. All together it's a clean and tastefully decorated place. You'd be happy to stay here if you weren't being held hostage by an evil cult.

Gamzee says, "We only got a few minutes until Kurloz comes, gotta make it good."

"Can you just tell me who Kurloz is to this non-cult? The coven master? Cell leader?"

"Just use the fucking bathroom."

"Am I allowed to use the toilet myself or do you have to stare at me there?" you ask.

Gamzee jerks his head to the bathroom. "Go ahead on."

You use the bathroom. While its mildewy tile walls aren't quaint, there are lacy hand towels.

Right when you come out of the bathroom, your hands still not quite dry, Gamzee slaps the cuffs on your wrist.

"Remember, you a prisoner," he says.

"I never fucking forgot I was a prisoner and not a fucking house guest."

"Kneel down," Gamzee says though he's looking at the door.

You kneel down. Meanwhile, Gamzee paces the floor.

You say, "You're acting like someone important is coming. Is he the Pope or Grand Imperial Wizard or Dalai Lama or-?"

Gamzee takes the gun from the back of his waistband and lazily waves it at you.

"Shut up," he says.

You wisely shut your mouth. He goes back to his pacing.

You've met Kurloz a few times before. He was scary when you first met him but you were only fourteen then and he was a big hulking tattooed adult. When you got accustomed to him he came off as a gentle giant. It helped that he couldn't speak. Yet apparently he's a Satanist? Will he be a better or a worse captor than Gamzee?

There's a knock on the door and Gamzee flinches as if he wasn't expecting it. He opens the door and there is good ol' Kurloz Makara. He's wearing dungarees, a faded Confederate flag t-shirt, and hiking boots. He carries a huge hiking backpack and two grocery bags. He would look like he was out on a camping trip if it weren't for his juggalo makeup. It looks familiar despite not being the same minimalist design you vaguely remember from years ago. Unlike Gamzee's terrible fake dreads, he has many tiny purple braids which you guess looks slightly better.

"Welcome, cuz," Gamzee says as he takes Kurloz's grocery bags. "Glad to see you brought -"

But Kurloz pushes past his cousin to walk to you. His blue-green eyes, so like Gamzee's and yet so not, bore into you for an uncomfortably long time. He pauses to take off his backpack before turning to Gamzee. The cancer-mute man makes signs that even if you could see them you wouldn't understand. You've never gotten around to learning American Sign Language.

Gamzee asks Kurloz, "Naked? All the time?"

Kurloz snorts and signs something else to Gamzee. When he's done, he turns back and looks at you. His right arm moves and POW! His backhand hits your face so hard you fall to your side! Oh god your face reverberates with pain. You look up and see he looks as angry as he did before he hit you i.e. not at all. Gamzee looks almost as shocked as you must look.

"I get your point, cuz," he says softly.

Kurloz points to the grocery bags and then points at the kitchen. Gamzee takes the bags into the kitchen. You're alone with Kurloz.

Kurloz kneels over your still-sprawled body and takes out a pocket knife. You try to move away from the steel but he holds you down and...cuts off your undershirt? Next, he takes his knife too close to your crotch and cuts the button off your jeans. You let him slide the ruined jeans off because it's better than him sawing through them. Again, he puts his knife dangerously close to your crotch only to slice off your boxers. Last, he slides off your socks. You are now naked like he wanted you to be. You'll be naked eternally. He looks you over but his poker face doesn't give away either disgust or lust. Gamzee finally comes out of the kitchen and he looks at Kurloz and you know Gamzee is trying to figure the same thing you are.

Finally, Kurloz stands up and goes to Gamzee. Kurloz points at his chest, then his chin, and then spreads out his hands.

Gamzee replies, "Missed you too, cuz."

Kurloz makes what looks like the Wakanda Forever sign.


Then Kurloz grabs his younger cousin Gamzee and kisses him full on the lips. Gamzee stiffens but soon kisses Kurloz back, apparently only reacting out of surprise over the sudden affection than disgust over this blatant incest. So this is who Gamzee's new lover is! How long has this been a thing? Did you somehow miss Gamzee being molested as a child? Or is this the weirdest rebound?

Kurloz escalates these sloppy makeouts by shoving his right hand down Gamzee's pants with no romance. Gamzee groans.

"Yes, you're doing it, you're the one doing this to me," he chants.

Kurloz finger-spells rapidly with one hand, the other one obviously occupied.

Gamzee asks, "How hard am I? Fuck, cuz, you know, it be your hand wrapping around me." He groans. "Getting pretty stiff, gonna want your cock in my-"

Then just as fast as he shoved it in, Kurloz pulls his hand out. Gamzee is left tenting.

"Huh?" Gamzee asks, apparently just as confused as you.

Kurloz points to you and makes a sign with his fist and inserted index finger that you can recognize and some signs you can't.

"Oh, yeah, I fucked him hard last night," Gamzee says with the air of an insecure teenager talking about his prom night.

Kurloz signs with one brow up in question.

Gamzee looks off to the side. "Yeah, that seducing didn't work so I had to like...y'know...get forcible."

Kurloz puts a hand briefly on Gamzee's shoulder before signing more.

Gamzee sighs. "YES, I already KNOW you said I would fail and I really SHOULDN'T have bothered none."

Kurloz repeats his signs, but more empathetically.

Gamzee responds by leaning towards Kurloz, as if to kiss him again.

"Please," Gamzee whines, "just fuck me and leave all that motherfucking lecturing for later."

Instead, Kurloz pushes Gamzee away. Then, he does that finger-in-fist sign while pointing at both Gamzee and you.

"You FUCKING Karkat?" Gamzee asks before adding coolly, "But I guess that fine ass was meant to be shared amongst kin."

Gamzee's consent received, Kurloz turns to you. He takes out of his pocket a black razor-sized cylinder - his electrolarynx. He speaks to you in robotic tones.


You don't.

Gamzee says, "We gonna spit-roast you."

"Oh god! No, you're both filthy animals, don't fucking -"

Out comes a kick-to-the-stomach from Kurloz's steel-toed hiking boots, ending your pointless outburst. Before you have time to recover from the attack on your diaphragm, Gamzee is dragging you by the arms into one of the other rooms. You are thrown like a rag doll onto one twin bed of two. Gamzee and Kurloz position your body so it's lying horizontally across the bed stomach-down. Your head and cuffed arms hang towards Kurloz and your feet towards Gamzee. You hear a zipper noise and Kurloz takes out some things that impress Gamzee.

"Whoa," Gamzee says, "you come all in prepared with bondage what-not. You planning this all from the beginning? Guess I should have know you always prepared. What 'bout condoms? Oh yeah, we ain't need them with this virgin."

Kurloz passes something over you. Hands push your legs as far apart as they can go. Then you feel clamping around your ankles. It must be a spreader bar. You are wide open and more vulnerable than ever before.

If that bondage wasn't horrible enough, Kurloz pries open your mouth and inserts an uncomfortably-large metal ring gag and straps it tight. Your jaw is already sore from being struck and this doesn't make it better. You won't have the joy of biting down on your rapist's cock or even the fantasy that you could if you weren't afraid of being shot.

Kurloz unzips his dungarees. Under them he is wearing purple-and-black cartoon skull boxer briefs. You'd laugh at his Hot Topic fashion sense if you weren't distracted by the bulge snaking down his muscular right thigh. Or if you could laugh at all. He takes the bulge out and apparently Gamzee gets his size from his paternal side, along with the same tradition of circumcision. Currently, it's only slightly harder than flaccid.

However, Gamzee is further along and his cock is rubbing against your ass crack. Kurloz apparently signs some reproach because Gamzee says, "Sorry, but I just so motherfucking horny!"

Kurloz starts rubbing his cock over your face like he's marking his scent. His cock slowly hardens as he does that. You shudder but that probably just turns him on more. He stops only to shove his cock through the ring and feed it down your throat. This time you don't have the mercy of drugs to inhibit your gag reflex. You feel like vomiting but you just can't. Stomach acid pours up from your throat and drips to the floor.

Then you feel ice-cold gel on your anus, courtesy of an impatient Gamzee. He tries to shove his cock in and this time you clench. Yet that resistance doesn't work against his strength and determination. He stretches you out and impales you and you are forced deeper onto Kurloz's cock. You think you hear something like a laugh from Kurloz. Both of them thrust together in a sick rhythm. You are a piece of meat on a spit. A Chinese handcuff for these two degenerates’ masturbation needs.

Now Gamzee is laughing. Kurloz might not be able to speak but he can.

"You like getting motherfucking double-fucked by two Lords? That's way more than you motherfucking deserve!"

A strong swat comes on your already-beleaguered ass.

"Always did think you had a wicked set of ass cheeks! Shame they never as nice as Terezi's."

You could fucking scream if your mouth wasn't full of cock. In fact, you make the closest sound you can.

"What's that?" Gamzee asks and you just know he's making that gesture with his ear, "Can't hear you with my cousin's monster cock down your swallower! It's a motherfucking miracle we got you to shut up!"

Now Kurloz grabs your hair and while this is a minor issue it's still a violation. You don't like people touching your curly black hair without your permission. You only tolerate barbers doing it. Yet this asshole has your head with both hands.

A third hand reaches out to touch your hair but gently. There's a slap and the third hand retreats with a mumbled "sorry". All hands are taken off, which might be a relief if you didn't hear kissing above you.

"Kurloz, I love you," Gamzee murmurs between kisses.

Now they are making love to each other and you are merely present. No, not even present. You don't know where you are.

How long will you endure this? You can't stand a second more. You wish this gag would dissolve so you could sink your teeth into the flesh continually invading your mouth. You wish your asshole had teeth too.

Then, it stops. Kurloz pulls out, followed by Gamzee. Is it over? Did they come while you were trying to leave your body? There's footsteps around the bed and then you are confronted by Gamzee's still-hard cock.

"Open wide..." he says.

Seeing and smelling what is coming, you try to pull away but Gamzee grabs your head and shoves his cock in. It tastes like literal ass. You don't taste scat but does that matter when so many tiny microbes are invading you? Vomit gurgles up and spills on the floor. He pulls out.

"Hmmm, seems you ain't liking ass-to-mouth as much as our girl Terezi always did."

You make a noise like screaming again.

Gamzee chuckles. "Yeah, I fucked her more than once, but you already figuring that, ain't you? I mean, she was always pretty sweet on me. Loved my huge bad dragon more than your sad little worm."

He's lying to get to you, you know. For one thing, nobody likes ass-to-mouth outside of porn. Yet your mind flashes to all the times Terezi called Gamzee sweet. Is what he's saying now a lie or was it a lie when Gamzee said it was just a one time thing? You can't think much more because Gamzee puts his cock back in your mouth.

Meanwhile, Kurloz has his turn on your ass. He's more rhythmic but also more forceful. When he hits your ass, it isn't a playful swat but designed to cause pain. His sharp black nails slice into your flesh.

Now that Kurloz is distracted making your ass cheeks bleed, Gamzee pets your hair. This sweet gesture is the worst of all.

When you think you can't stand a millisecond more, Gamzee grabs your hair tight and with a strangled "motherfuck" spills into your mouth and straight down your throat. He pulls out but Kurloz is still going at it. Yet one end free is better than both ends being trapped.

Gamzee says breathlessly, "Good job. Very motherfucking good job."

Kurloz makes a throat noise and so do you, but not as happily as him.

Gamzee walks around and you fear he's going to try to double-stuff you. Instead, you hear him kissing Kurloz. You actually want them to be more incestuous so Kurloz will finish faster.

The ring gag is still keeping your mouth unnaturally open. You feel like after this your mouth will stay gaping, just like your anus.

Finally, Kurloz slowly thrusts three times before ejaculation with an odd tortured noise. He pulls out painfully quick and you can feel liquid dripping out of you. You could pass out right now, despite your uncomfortable position.

"What next?" Gamzee asks and you wonder the same thing.

Kurloz answers Gamzee but not you.

Then, the spreader bar is undone and the ring gag taken off. The cousins stand you up and take you to a wardrobe you didn't notice before. It's a simple basic wardrobe, only note-worthy in its chain and combination lock. Kurloz unlocks the chains and opens the doors. The wardrobe is empty except for newspaper lining the bottom. It's only a couple feet deep. You want to point out you don't need to be locked in there but your jaw is too sore to move. Instead, you scream. Kurloz strikes you on the head.

"Careful!" Gamzee yells, "Don't wanna give him a concussion!"

Kurloz nods.

Your legs are too weak to kick and your handcuffs are still on so all you can do is wiggle. That's what you do. Must make it hard on them. In the end, you are in the fetal position on the newspaper and the doors close on you. There's a small hole up top so you know you won't suffocate but it doesn't bring much light and you can't see through it. The wardrobe smells like cedar and mothballs but you can also smell the stink of your own ravaged body. How long will you be trapped here? You don't have claustrophobia now but you will by the time you get out.

You hear the sound of furniture being moved, though luckily nobody moves the wardrobe. There's some questioning and complaining from Gamzee you can't quite make out. After that, you hear the sound of undressing. Finally, bodies lay back on a bed.

"Woo!" yells Gamzee, "I tired but not too tired, if you know what I mean!"

A pause.

"I had motherfucking barrels of fun, you always know I always do with you!"

A pause.

"The ritual object ain't why I had fun and you know it!"

A pause.

"Though it was pretty wicked sexy watching you fuck it."

A pause.

"Yeah, I motherfucking KNOW you were right 'bout Karkat - I mean - 'bout the ritual object. You know what that buffalo mmoed when I told him I broke up with Tavros years ago? That fake friend said the trip was a waste!"

A pause.

"Yeah, he - I mean it - is the worst. It never cared a damn for me."

A pause while your blood pressure rises.

Gamzee chuckles. "But it ain't a waste for us, was it?"

A pause.

"My ass be clean but my dick ain't."

A pause then Gamzee starts giggling.

"You getting me a little stiff now."

Sheets start rustling and a bed creaks and you know what's happening. They are going to have sex with each other while you're trapped in this wardrobe and they're probably getting off on that idea. You could vomit in this little wardrobe if your stomach wasn't empty.

You try to zone out. Thank cigarettes that Kurloz doesn't have a voicebox so you only have to contend with one voice. But oh, does that one voice go on! Does Kurloz really need to be convinced he's doing a good job? Are they always this fucking loud or are they putting on a show for an unwilling guest?

Think about other things. Think about movies. Think about how awful it is when the music in movie musicals is over-produced. Curse auto-tune and stunt casting. Curse Gamzee for not shutting up for once in his life.

No, maybe Gamzee shouldn't have shut up about Kurloz. Maybe this affair started when he was younger and you never noticed because you were so self-involved as a teenager (you're still really self-involved, to be honest). Could you have stopped it? You should kill Kurloz now and stop it.

You also think about how you now know Gamzee is a bottom, as if that's a mystery you've been waiting your whole life to figure out. Totally not a surprise he's a bottom.

The squeaking and moaning and strange aspirating go on forever. You remain quiet. Even with the small hole the air in the wardrobe is stale. Your asshole has been dripping on the newspaper and you are sitting in your own filth. The smell of your rape is inescapable.

Finally, you hear the Makara cousins come together like destined soulmates in a fanfic. Nothing happens for some time. You guess they are catching their breaths. Kurloz better not go for sloppy seconds.

The bed creaks again. Footsteps go past the wardrobe. The bedroom door shuts. The wardrobe door is still closed. Oh fuck the wardrobe door is still closed. You bang on it with your handcuffed arms. They can't have forgotten you. How long with they be gone?

Your banging achieves no results. You hyperventilate instead. You'll probably die from no air, hole or not. You're using it all up in your panic.

Breathe slowly, jackass. You can't be in this wardrobe forever. They have to take you out if they want to rape you again and you know they'll want to do that. If you are out of this wardrobe, there's a chance of escape.

Suddenly, there's a rapping on the wardrobe doors.

"Time to wake on up!" yells Gamzee.

Did he really think you could possibly sleep in this storage space like he used to? Who could sleep anyway with loud incestuous love-making going on just inches away?

The wardrobe doors are unlocked and you fall out since there's no space for you to get out with dignity. Above you looking down are Gamzee and Kurloz. They are thankfully dressed and, it seems, showered.

"What...?" you ask.

Gamzee says, "The girls be coming."

"Girls? There are girls involved in this outfit? Or are they other victims? Who are these girls??"

Kurloz looks around in his pockets, presumably for his electrolarynx, but Gamzee speaks first.

"You know them, they be Meulin and D-"

Kurloz finds his voice and interrupts.


So Meulin? You have met a few times before with Kurloz's long-time girlfriend (and Nepeta's cousin, if you recall correctly) and while you did find her overly-bubbly and fandom-obsessed you don't want her to be a victim of this perverse cult.

You ask, "You're going to gang rape her too??"

Kurloz now actually looks angry when he kicks you in the stomach. He then stomps out of the room. Gamzee helps you up.

"Don't ask questions," he says kindly yet sharply.

He walks you out of the bedroom and sets you on your knees in the middle of the main room. You feel incredibly exposed. Your captors sit waiting on wicker chairs.

The three of you don't have to wait long. Maybe after a couple minutes there's a rapid series of knocks on the door. Kurloz goes to answer it. You expect another hulking juggalo with a sack of girls but instead it is Meulin, walking of her own free will, and this other young woman you assume is D.

Meulin is dressed in overalls and hiking boots and white-and-grey makeup, matching Kurloz's hiking juggalo look. You don't remember ever seeing her in juggalo makeup and given she chose a kitty face pattern it's not intimidating. Her auburn hair has soft curls, like always.

The other young woman is a tall Asian who didn't get the memo that this is a juggalo camping trip. Her face has makeup but it's bright red lips and heavily-lined eyes instead of clown paint. She wears her black hair up in a loose bun kept together by hair sticks. She wears a red pleated mini-skirt and a red-and-white blouse with a mandarin collar. At least she wears hiking boots. Her eyes are an unnatural emerald green. Her long limbs are thin but her blouse is packed. The effect is like someone tried to make an anime character come to life.

The two women are distracted by Kurloz at first. Kurloz squats down and Meulin stretches up to kiss him and it would be a cute sight if you didn't know what Kurloz was doing earlier. D mutters something in what sounds like Japanese. Meulin breaks off her kiss and D breaks off staring daggers at the kiss.

Meulin yells tonelessly, "We're going to have so much fun you guys on this -" She then notices you. "- wait, why is he naked!?"

D adds, speaking in a Chinese accent despite her earlier Japanese, "Not much to look at."

Kurloz taps Meulin on the shoulder and when she turns he signs something at her. She nods her head along. When he's done, she turns to you.

"So it makes sense you're naked!!" she yells, "You're just a purrisoner!"

Did she really use a cat pun? Does she truly know your situation?

D asks, "Where do I sleep?"

Kurloz makes some signs then points to the bunk bed room. D takes her suitcase and walks into the room. Meanwhile, Meulin takes her backpack to the room where Gamzee and Kurloz just had sex.

Gamzee turns to Kurloz when both girls are away. "I gotta bunk with the Demoness?"

Kurloz makes some signs.

"Okay, if I get you later, that all fucking fair. But the bitch better not do anything to me while I sleep."

That settled, Gamzee and Kurloz have some inconsequential conversation about the tattooing industry or something while the girls put away their stuff or whatever they're doing. You keep thinking about the unwashed sheets in the master bedroom. After a couple minutes, they return to the main room.

Meulin asks, "So I guess I should clean and shave it?"

Gamzee seems about to say something when Kurloz holds his arm out against Gamzee's chest. Kurloz nods.


Gamzee pouts but says nothing. What is the deal here?

Meulin picks you up by your left arm and takes you to the bathroom. You don't resist her because you would actually like to be cleaned and not by someone who just raped you. Or by this Demoness woman, who might not rape you but would insult you. Meulin closes the bathroom door behind you.

"If mew want to use the toilet, I'll turn away," she says.

"Why would you think I'd use the toilet in front of you? I may be naked and captive but I still have my dignity! Scratch that, I really need to go."

So she turns your back and you do what you need to do despite the tiny space and handcuffs. When you are done, you tap her on the shoulder.

She turns on the shower but, unlike Gamzee, does not force you under the cold water. However, the water doesn't warm.

She says, "Somefur meowst have taken a shower recently..."

"The Makaras must have used up all the hot water."

"Oh? Did they take one shower or two?"

How do you answer? If you say "one" will she know their secret or will she assume they are just thrifty?

"I was locked in a freaking wardrobe when it happened."

She frowns. "Oh. Well, you're going in anyway!"

She shoves you into the cold shower. It's not ice cold but it's still not warm enough for you. She takes a washcloth, puts soap on it, and starts scrubbing your entire body. This includes between your legs so she obviously sees signs you were raped. Still, she says nothing.

She turns off the water and comes at you with a pink razor.

"What the fuck?" you ask.

"I'm shaving you to purrpare you fur the ritual!"

"What ritual??"

"I can't tell you."

You don't push her. She has the razor. You are silent and still as she lathers and shaves your chest and even crotch. She does a good job, though it's not like you've ever been shaved before by someone else. You have so much hair but she keeps at it. She turns the water back on briefly only to rinse off.

That odd experience over, she takes a damp towel and wraps it around you. For a moment you are pressed against her plump body and you think of your mother and sob on her shoulder. She pushes you away gently and you feel ashamed you embraced your co-captor.

"Sorry," you mumble, though she probably can't read your lips.

She gives you a toothpaste-smeared cup with water and you chug it down. Your throat is still dry and filled with bad tastes. You want more than six ounces to drink but it's a mercy she even gave you that.

She takes a fruit leather out of the front pocket of her overall. After unwrapping it, she gives it to you. You eat it. The strawberry flavor helps with the taste of the horrible things that went in and out of your mouth. She gives you another cup of water for good measure.

You ask, "Why are you doing all this? Do you know what they're going to do to me? Do you know your boyfriend is an awful-"

She puts her finger on your lip. Guess you can't say all the awful things her boyfriend is. You know that though they're high school sweethearts, there was a time when she dumped Kurloz. You don't know the details because it wasn't important to you. You really should have kept an eye on Gamzee's adoptive father.

She leads you into the main room. The TV is on a documentary about the Vietnam War, possibly because this cabin likely doesn't have cable. Kurloz is the only one watching. The Demoness is leaning against the wall playing with her nails. Gamzee is in the kitchen.

Meulin yells, "Clean and shaved!"

Kurloz gets up off the couch and looks you over. Then he points on the floor in the middle of the room. Are you supposed to kneel? You kneel down where he points though your knees hurt. He smiles and nods his head and you feel disgusted that you followed his orders.

He takes out his electrolarynx again.


Damara tsks. "Just say he no eat."

"Lunch is motherfucking ready!" yells Gamzee.

He places four plates on the island along with a six-pack of Faygo. Everyone but you takes a plate and a Faygo and goes to the table. The Cultist eat while a naked handcuffed man kneels in the middle of the room and the TV plays footage of jungles being burned with napalm. Fucking surreal. The fruit leather seemed so good at the time but now it's inadequate. The sandwiches look much better than the ones you had last night.

When Kurloz is done eating, he signs something with a questioning eyebrow.

"Yes, I have it," the Demoness says.

He signs again.

"Yes I have the fucking sat phone. You want to see?"

She storms into the bunk bed room and after a moment brings out a rather large handheld phone with a long antenna.

"See?" she asks shoving the phone in Kurloz's face, "I do not forget!"

Kurloz goes to take the phone but she moves it away from him.

"I keep phone!" she yells, "What use does mute man have with phone?"

Kurloz reaches for his pocket but the Demoness speaks first.

"No one understand robot voice in person, let alone on phone!"

Meulin says, "Yeah, Purrloz, she might be the best purrson to have the phone."

Kurloz shrugs and nods.

"Wise decision." She sighs. "I need smoke."

Kurloz makes many rapid signs with a disgusted look on his face.

"What your deal? I not smoke indoors. Just need smoke to deal with you!"

She takes a pack of Virginia Slims out of her left boot and stomps outside to the porch.

Gamzee says, "That bitch ain't got no chill at all."

Kurloz signs something and Gamzee laughs. Meulin gives a sharp disapproving look but doesn't say anything.

After everyone but you has finished eating, Meulin cleans up. Gamzee and Kurloz watch TV. The Demoness comes back in, smelling of smoke.

Not long after, Kurloz turns off the TV and speaks.


The Cultist gather together. Meulin lays out a big blue tarp in the middle of the floor. Kurloz gets a purple-skull-covered toolbox and puts on latex gloves. Gamzee unlocks the handcuffs. Then everyone forces you down onto the tarp, stomach up. Gamzee and Meulin hold down an arm each while the Demoness holds your legs. She is somehow strong for a ninety-pound woman, or you are weak.

"What the fuck are you doing to me?!" you cry.

Kurloz opens the toolbox and inside are various needles and colored jars. You know now what they plan on doing to you.

You yell, "Don't tattoo me! Don't tattoo me, that's fucking illegal!"

Gamzee spares one hand to gag you.

"We should permanent gag him," says the Demoness.

Meulin takes a handkerchief from her pocket and gags you with it. If she hadn't, there would be a lot more you could have yelled.

Kurloz starts by rubbing your chest completely down with alcohol. It burns but you know that won't be the worst of your problems.

Next he starts drawing with red pencil something on your body. You can't tell what it is. It seems like letters. Is it the infamous Fourteen Words? You'll have "We must secure the existence of our people and a future for white children" on your Romani chest forever. Though that would be a weird thing to tattoo in the presence of an Asian woman and a Métis woman.

The first tattoo you ever in person saw was on your great-grandmother. Seven-year-old you told her it was cool she had a tattoo and asked what the number meant. Your parents heard and scolded you for asking. Only years later did you realize why.  

Kurloz finishes his letters lower than you are comfortable with. Next, he holds up a needle and burns it with a small lighter. Your eyes follow the glow. He knows you see and he seems happy about it. When the needle glows, he does some other preparation out of sight. Next, he's over your chest with a pencil wrapped around a needle. You squirm but with three people holding you you can't do much. The needle pierces the tender skin of your chest. You scream into the handkerchief. Kurloz raises his needle as if just to show you there's blood on it. You feel light-headed at the sight of even this slight blood letting. The pricks come fast after that, but steady and methodical. He pauses a moment and you think he's done but after all the poking he's only done like one of whatever these letters are. So he's done a "W"?

You try not to stare at your bloody chest and instead stare at the rustic ceiling. The shades are mostly down so all the light comes from above. There's modern electric lights in the rafters. You think on how odd that is.

Kurloz wipes your chest periodically. You try not to look at his bloody rag.

The sheer pain turns into a dull ache. You actually get used to being pierced over and over by a needle.

There's no conversation. Kurloz can't sign for one. Everyone is just looking at you. Seeing you get permanently marked. Damara's green eyes are especially disturbing. They seem to say "this is exactly what you deserve for all your sins" and also "I am the victim of an experiment that gave me supernatural powers".

You notice the sun move across your body. Time is passing. How long have you been forced to endure this? If this were voluntary, you would have gotten breaks.

It wasn't that you were against tattoos. You occasionally fantasized about what tattoo you'd get but it wasn't like this. All your happy fantasies of a first time are ruined.    

Then, it's over. Kurloz signs something and his fellow cultist sign in relief. He wipes your tattoo down with stinging alcohol one last time and puts several large bandages over your torso. He closes up the toolbox and walks off with it. The other cultists let go of you but you have nowhere to go. Though you can't bring yourself to move, you also have a weird nervous rush of energy. You suppose this might have been fun if you hadn't been forced into it

Meulin takes off your gag and puts it in her pocket.

"You did a good job," she says before leaving.

Gamzee asks, "You got that wicked high?"


"Remember when I got my first ink on my 18th birthday?"

"If you hadn't destroyed your brain cells you'd know I could remember that."

"Oh, yeah, you wasn't there for me again."

"Only because I HATE seeing blood. But now I'd love to see YOUR BLOOD."

The Demoness giggles. "I would like too."

Gamzee asks, "Don't you got a cancer stick with yo name on it?"

The Demoness shrugs and leaves.

Gamzee continues, "Anyway, it hurt like a bitch but afterwards I was dancing up on cloud nine. Wish I could have motherfucking celebrated it with a prime ass motherfucker."

As he says this, his hands drift down to your genitals. You don't know what to do until a strange aspiration interrupts. It's Kurloz, drying off his meaty forearms and looking disapprovingly at Gamzee.

Gamzee whines, "Fuuuck, I can't have any motherfucking fun without you, can I?"

Kurloz nods.

Gamzee pulls you off the tarp and folds it up. He puts the handcuffs back on you. He then pulls you over to the living area. He turns on the TV and you all return to Downton Abbey. You sit at his feet like Princess Leia in The Empire Strikes Back.

With the brutal task of tattooing you done for the day, Kurloz gestures at Meulin and she comes over to kiss him. After some giggling and signing, they go off into the master bedroom that still has uncleaned sheets and you know they aren't going alone to scrapbook. You look over at Gamzee and he has an uncomfortable look on his face that probably mirrors yours.

Instead of paying attention to that, you watch Lady Mary romance one of her post-Matthew beaus. You can't remember which one it is. You could never really keep with the series after actor Dan Stevens left. Still, you are getting into the scene when you hear moans and cries from the Master Bedroom. Meulin is a screamer. You look at Gamzee and again he looks troubled.

The Demoness arrives again, freshly smoked. She looks briefly troubled at the sounds. However, she shoots Gamzee a grin as she sits down on the loveseat.

"Your lover fucks another," she says.

"So did yours, bitch," Gamzee snaps back.

She flips Gamzee the bird and he flips it back.

The sounds continue. You want to watch the TV but instead you look at Gamzee. He's smiling vacantly.

"It cool, man, I'm perfectly chill."

"Liar," says the Demoness.

Gamzee stops smiling. "Not every motherfucker’s a jealous shrew like you, Demoness."

"I am honest shrew."

A moment passes where those two don't bicker. Lady Mary flirts and Meulin screams. Gamzee is still chill.

"Sit in my lap, bro," he says.

You are hesitant but you do it. When you are seated on his knee, he unzips his pants and takes out his cock. You look over to the Demoness and she's looking at the TV. As you do, Gamzee puts his hand around your cock.

You yell, "Hey! What the fuck!"

Gamzee says, "My cousin and his ninjaette shouldn’t be having all the motherfucking fun in this crib. How about I do you and you do me?"

The Demoness turns and looks at you but says nothing. She goes back to the TV. No help from her.

You ask, "I don't have a choice, do I?"

Gamzee answers, "No, you don't, but ain't it nice I asked?"

You sigh deeply but impotently. With your left hand, you grasp his cock. This is awkward with the handcuffs but the foreskin makes it easier. His cock is already a little hard.   

He spits in his hands and rubs his gross saliva all over your cock. He tugs it firmly and rhythmically. The sensation feels good but not enough to make you ignore all the fucking problems around you.  

He doesn't have any problems getting hard. He grows until you need two hands.

Meanwhile, the TV still plays Downton Abbey. Meulin and Kurloz still have sex. The Demoness sometimes looks over but doesn't seem to care about what she's seeing.

Gamzee breaks the silence saying, "Nice that we motherfucking friends can still just have a good ol' fashioned mutual 'bate together."

"Nothing about this is good or old fashioned."

"Wish we could have done this as teens but you was always too bashful."

"I will always be too decent to do the soggy biscuit game."

"The soggy biscuit game?"

"It's this British game where you wank on a cookie and the last weirdo public school chum to come has, I'm not giving you ideas."

"Sounds like a blast. But you having fun now?"

"The hell I'm having fun."

"You getting stiff."

You do feel slightly stiff. Yet the arousal is more like an irritant than anything else. You wish you could block out the sensations.

Gamzee is hard as nails and leaking pre-cum. Your ass and throat hurt looking at that cock. You want to make Gamzee come before he thinks to use it in those spots again.

"I ain't gonna come until you do," he teases.

How are you supposed to come? You're hungry and miserable and distracted. You look to the television. Oh Lady Mary please help me in my time of need. You imagine if not her then someone attractive like her. Like Thomas Barrow. How come he never got a boyfriend? No! Just stay focused. It actually feels pretty good. These are good and skilled hands. You achieve hardness.

Meulin screams she's coming. You might come too. You realize now that you are actually moaning. Can anyone hear over the noise?

The dream world of Downton Abbey ends and the modern era comes in the news. You try to ignore it. You need to come.

"Oh sweet brother, I'm gonna come," says Gamzee and you realize he's here and you are being jerked off by him and that's his cock you have wrapped between your hands.

Then a shadow appears over you. You and Gamzee turn to look and it's a shirtless angry Kurloz. His makeup is smeared but he still looks fierce when he scowls. Gamzee's cock shrinks between your hands.

"I ain't fucking without you," Gamzee says, "I just be playing around with it."

Kurloz makes some forceful violent signs.

"A switch?" Gamzee asks, "What, like we down south country or some shit?"

Kurloz repeats the signs.

Gamzee pushes you off with a sigh. He puts his now-soft cock back in his pants and zips them up.

"Okay, okay, I'll fetch a motherfucker."

The Demoness grins widely. "This fun."

Gamzee gets off the couch and goes into the afternoon sun. Kurloz stares at your blue-balled dick and you wonder if he's wondering whether he should finish the job. Then Meulin opens the door to the main room, saving you. She's wearing Kurloz's shirt. Her face is a mess but she has a makeup bag in her hand.

"What's going on?!" she asks.

Kurloz makes several lewd and violent signs.

"Oh wow!" Meulin says, "Gamzee's really sweet on Karkat, isn't he?"

Kurloz rolls his eyes.

"I have GOT to fix my makeup," she says as she walks to the bathroom.

Kurloz turns to you and points at the floor like you are a misbehaving dog and not someone dragged up for half-hearted sex play. You act the obedient dog. Kurloz leaps over onto the couch and sits with his legs wide open like he's airing out his dick. Which given he's had sex three times today he might need to do that. You can smell the funk of fucking coming off of him.

The TV is now playing the news. Donald Trump is looking to replace Supreme Court Justice Anthony Kennedy.

The Demoness says, "Soon the Court is ours."

Kurloz nods.

Despite this important news, your mind is on Gamzee out there getting a switch. Kurloz is going to beat him. You know Gamzee's dad sometimes hit him with a belt those few times Mr. Makara took notice of the existence of his only child. After Kurloz adopted him at the ripe old age of 16 Kurloz didn't beat him. Well, Gamzee did sometimes joke that Kurloz would spank him. Wait, were those jokes? Maybe it would be better for Gamzee if Kurloz would spank him for whatever rule this jealous maniac thought he broke.

Meulin comes back out with her makeup refreshed. She sits down next to him and snuggles up to enjoy the news with her beloved.

"I'm glad those boys were rescued," Meulin says.

You sit naked at the feet of these lovebirds. Damara is staring green daggers at them.

This kinky domestic scene is interrupted when Gamzee bursts in like Kramer with a long thin stick.

"Got it!" he yells as he waves. You can hear it cut the air.

Kurloz turns and nods approvingly at Gamzee. Then, he gets up off the couch and drags you to the center of the room. Will you have to watch Gamzee being switched? You don't want to see it but you don't feel real sorry for Gamzee right now.

Kurloz stands up and takes out his electrolarynx.


Yet the Demoness speaks over him when he gets to the word "tempting".

"Oh, just fucking hit him already. You not judge."

"What's going on?" asks Meulin.

The Demoness says to Meulin, "Gamzee beat ritual object for making dick hard."

"Oh wow!" says Meulin instead of something important.

As Kurloz finishes his rant, you ask, "Hey, why am I going to be beaten? Gamzee is the one who fucked up! I didn't want to play the biscuit game! You should -"

Kurloz grabs you and takes you to the middle of the room. He pushes you down on to the floor. You look up to see Meulin and the Demoness come and not to your rescue. They hold you down. Meulin looks worried but the Demoness looks gleeful.

Meulin whispers, "It will be okay."

The Demoness says, "No, it not okay."

You say, your mouth not visible to Meulin, "I know it won't be fucking okay, I'm getting caned and I've never even been spanked before and it's my psycho ex-friend hitting-"

Someone kicks your butt once and you stop.

"Thirteen hits," Gamzee says somewhere up there, "Just thirteen hits."

The air cracks and the first hit strikes you square in the buttocks and it's the worst pain you've ever felt in your life. Your tears come out immediately when you'd hope you'd last a few more hits. Then the air cracks again and that's the worst pain you've felt in your life. Then comes the third and you know those first two hits were reluctant and now Gamzee really has his anger going. You are screaming and somewhere the Demoness is laughing hysterically. The hits keep coming on your buttocks then Gamzee gets really uncontrolled and hits your thigh almost too close to your junk. You try to jump away but Meulin and the Demoness are holding tight. Next, the most delicate flesh of your feet gets hit and now you'll find it hard to run away. The strikes on the buttocks are now a relief compared to the thigh or feet.

Gamzee yells, "Thirteen!" and one more hit and it's over. You are alive. Crying and sore but alive.

Meulin lets go and you realize she's been digging her nails into your arm and you didn't notice because you had much bigger pain to think about. Meanwhile, the Demoness has her hand down her skirt. You turn to look at Gamzee and he looks horrified and you could possibly think of forgiving him at some future date if his pants weren't tented right now.

Kurloz apparently signs something since Gamzee turns to him and says, "Thanks for that motherfucking thanks, cuz." He adjusts himself. "Nah, I ain't hard, pants are just bunching up all weird like."

"Liar," says Damara.

"You would know."

Kurloz signs something lewd.

"I can?" asks Gamzee, "I'll get that taking care on."

Gamzee walks off out of sight, presumably to jack off after torturing his former best motherfucking friend. Kurloz walks off towards the kitchen. The Demoness walks out the front door with a cigarette in her mouth. Meulin stays with you.

"Can you get up?" Meulin asks.


She shrugs and gets up.

You lie there, unwilling to move. There's too much pain and there's nowhere for you to go. The front door is right there but you can't bring yourself open it.  

Everyone else goes about doing what they want. Gamzee leaves the bathroom, freshly-wanked and still a wanker. He goes to the kitchen, watches his hands, and starts whipping up something that smells like garlic and cheese. The Demoness comes back in, smelling of cigarettes. Eventually, the meal is ready. It's a big batch of spaghetti. They drink beer with it, better beer than Gamzee packed on the happy camping trip. You are left out of the meal. The Demoness eats only a tiny unsauced amount of spaghetti. You wish you could have what she isn't having.

"So we really ain't feeding the ritual object?" Gamzee asks, "I gotta make grub for this bitch -" He gestures with his fork at the Demoness "- to not eat but we can't feed it?"

The Demoness says, "Of course you make food for me and not it. It not family. It not even person."

"If you a person why can't you eat?"

"I hate garlic."

"I know, cause you a vampire."

"Vampires another caste," she says cryptically.

After dinner, Meulin says, "Let's watch a meowvie!"

Everyone but you makes sounds of consent. You don't care what they do as long as it isn't torturing or raping you. They could watch the Cremaster Cycle for all you care.

Gamzee asks, "How 'bout Big Money Hustlas ?"

Damara groans. " Īeeeeeee, sore wa arimasen !" she yells.

"Then what the Hell do you want to watch?"

"Anything but that."

"How 'bout Big Money Rustlas ?"

"That the same thing!"

"Then Death Racers ."

"That still Insane Clown Posse! Fuck Insane Clown Posse!"

"Why'd you even join if you hating on them so much?"

"Church more important than bad rap musicians."

Kurloz signs.

"Shut up, elder Makara," the Demoness responds, "I here first. I outrank you."

Gamzee says, "This be Kurloz's mission, you uppity bitch."

" Anata wa tadashī, Kurloz no baishunpudesu. Sore ga kare no shimeidesu. "

Kurloz makes an annoyed noise.

"It the truth, right?" the Demoness asks pointedly.

Meulin says, "Let's watch the live-action version of Beauty and the Beast !"

"What?!" Gamzee asks.

"What?!" you ask too.

"Better than Insane Clown Posse," Damara says.

Kurloz signs.

"You're right, Purrloz," says Meulin, " Big Money Rustlas would be better."

The Demoness groans but they all get up. They clean up after themselves. Gamzee takes you over to the TV area but doesn't put you on the couch. He fiddles with the Playstation 3. Kurloz gets a DVD and gives it to Gamzee. A DVD, how old-fashioned. Meulin and Kurloz sit together. Gamzee and the Demoness take a love seat each. You watch on your belly. Not like you have anything better to do. Kurloz sets up the subtitles and starts the movie.

The movie is so juvenile and terrible and trying to be Blazing Saddles and failing miserably. Gamzee finds it funny and laughs all the time and Kurloz seems like he'd laugh if he could. Meulin follows Gamzee's cue in laughing. The Demoness and you groan at the same times. Maybe you are alike, except she's a sadist. She does seem familiar somehow.  

Maybe an hour (or twenty) into the movie, the Demoness gets up and leaves.

You think she's decided to stick the movie out, which you wouldn't blame her for doing that, but instead she comes back with a clear CD case with the Japanese letters "ミツナ 末の世" on it. She stands in front of the old TV, blocking everyone's view.

"Here something we all can enjoy!" she yells cheerfully.

"What is it?" Meulin asks.

"A farewell video of the Helmsman!"

Kurloz is staring bug-eyed at the DVD. He shakes his head.

The Demoness asks, "You disagree with the sacrifice? No care for the Church? Anata wa fukōna shōnen to koi o shite imasu ka? "

Kurloz is shaking his head rapidly.

"Then we watch video, hai ?"

Kurloz nods.

"What is she talking about?" Meulin asks.

Kurloz signs to her with close gestures.

"Well, if it's a ritual..."

Kurloz stops the Big Money Rustlas DVD. The Demoness takes it and puts her own DVD in the Playstation 3. She takes the controls and plays it. There is no menu. It just starts. There's a black screen with the Betty Crocker symbol except it is a fork instead of a spoon. Music that sounds like a dubstep remix of a national anthem plays. Sparkly pink letters shaped like the ones unwillingly carved on your body scroll along the bottom. They look like this:

Pink Alternian letters on black. see endnote for translation

Next comes video footage of a gray concrete room. Hanging from the walls by the arms encased in multiple chains is a naked legless human being. Their face is covered by a mop of black hair with blond ends. Who is this piece of flesh?

The camera moves in and pans up the body. The legs are not simply gone like someone born without them but amputated, and crudely at that. Instead of genitals, there's a huge scar, showing another brutal surgery. The tattoos on the sunken chest are similar to yours but pink-filled and distorted. The camera pans all the way up and there are no hands at the end of the arms. This body has been mutilated.

The mop of black hair moves to show a face swollen beyond recognition. It speaks in a lisp that you can recognize.

"Please, please, you don't have to do this to me."

You've seen his videos on youtube! That's GameBro! Meulin gasps too.

In the video, nobody answers GameBro's plea, or at least nobody you can see. GameBro's eyes widen despite the swollen lid.

"Fuck?" he asks, "Then I'll see you in Hell, bro."

There's the sound of something locking. Then a hissing noise. GameBro throws his head up and screams before suddenly getting struck silent yet his mouth is still open. His body jangles as if he's trying to escape but it is all useless. Out of his mouth he throws up a dark reddish gunk. Red tears pours down his cheeks until his eyes pop like grapes. Finally, his head droops, covering his face in a mop of black. The swaying body slows to a stop. The camera takes one last pan over him until it cuts out.

The Demoness is the first to laugh. Gamzee laughs after that, followed by Kurloz doing his thing like laughter, and finally Meulin laughs. You are the only one who doesn't laugh. Is this video some dark comedy by GameBro, a way of breaking his radio silence? This can't be an actual snuff video. They don't exist. Yet do you trust your captors enough to think it wasn't a snuff video? This might be your eventual fate.

You can't stay here a second longer. You bolt to the door. Even with handcuffs you are able to open the unlocked door. You run out with your bare feet across the wooden porch and onto the sharp yellow pine leaves. The world is red from the setting sun. You race forward at speeds you never thought possible. Pure adrenaline rushes through your exhausted body. You hear footsteps behind you but they soon disappear. You are free!

Once you get out of the clearing there's a wide path between the trees. You take it to a pebbly beach. At the beach is a pier and oh your luck! There's a motor boat! Your bare feet patter along the pier until you get close enough to look into the boat and realize it can't save you if you don't have a key. The shoreline on the other side is a mile away and you can't swim in cuffs. A small piece of hope pops up in your mind. Maybe you aren't on an island? Can you really trust Gamzee when he says you're on an island? You get off the pier and run around on the beach, adrenaline still masking the pain of a thousand pebbles on your beaten feet. You keep running and running and turning the corner endlessly. The adrenaline is running out but you can't stop. There has to be an end to this endless beach. Gamzee is a liar and this is a fucking peninsula and you will find friendly rangers.

You soon find there is no more beach but there's still island. So you collapse down and cry. Your hands grasp at the pebbly beach. You feel like screaming to the high heavens like Charlton Heston. Eventually, you decide to get back up. You don't want to walk (or crawl) back to the damn cabin in the woods. Maybe you can hide somewhere on the island. Wait until people on the mainland realize you are missing. Which would be Thursday, since that's when some contractors are coming over. Your stray cat will miss you sooner. Okay, maybe the only reason to hide is spite. You want to make it hard on your captors.

You go back into the woods. With all your time spent running, it's now twilight. You'd worry about animals but there's only so big they'll get on an island. How you wish you weren't on an island. There's no path but you just walk in a direction. The pain is back but you keep pushing on.     

There's a snap and a sharp pain and something bit your foot! You look down and see a metal contraption and way too much blood. It's a bear trap! You try to open it but you don't know how and there's too much blood. Your fingers are slippery with blood. Will you have to chew your foot off like a fox? You think of GameBro without his hands and legs and dick and you'll end up like that.

You're going to die out here in the woods and they'll only find your mangled skeleton later. You now scream to the high heavens. Maybe that will attract rangers? Or it will attract your captors? But you can't remain silent when it hurts so much.

Your body is growing cold. The pain is gone and your screaming is weakening. You must already be dead. This is what dying feels like. Footsteps are in the distance but they will never make it in time. You have regrets but you can't remember what they are. What have you ever done in your life? You should be having a flashback but you don't remember who you are.

Your body is lifted up as if to heaven.

Next thing you know, you are lying on the coarse rug with a blanket over you.

"Where am I?" you ask.

Your mother's kind round face appears above you. "In the cabin."

"Mom, when did you buy a cabin? We already have a house."

"Umm, I'm not your mom," your mom says, "I think you're still in shock."

"I thought you said we were in a cabin, mom."

"Just lie back."

Instead, you sit up. You're in a room with two bunk beds but you aren't in one of them. You look down at your feet and see the left one is heavily-wrapped in bandage.

Your mom says, "Good thing I've treated foot-hold trap injuries before...though it was on a cat."

"Why were you treating a cat?"

"I'm a veterinarian, silly, that's what I do!" She face-palms. "Oh, you're probably still in shock and think I'm your mom."

"Who are you then?"

"Meulin Leijon!"

Suddenly, Meulin Leijon is next to you.

"Hey," you say, "You're Nepeta's cousin!"

"Yes I am! And Gamzee's cousin is also here! And Gamzee! Also there's the cousin of-"

"Yes, it's you motherfuckers!"

"Do you know who the president is?"

"If you're going to tell me it's Violent J and Shaggy 2 Dope then I'm going into shock again."

"Um...not yet?"

You sigh. "Good, it's still Trump. Wait, that's not good at all. Fuck, and I've been kidnapped."

"Only tempurrarily."

"When will you let me go? Is there going to be a ransom? I'll give you the house!"

"It's not that...I can't tell you."

"What is the entire point of this fucking cult?"

Meulin looks angry for once. "It's not a cult, it's a family! The Subjugglators just want to be free to be a family! And we will only when She comes!"

"Who comes?"

"I can't tell you about them! I already have said too much!"

"What does going all Men Behind the Sun on a Korean YouTuber until he dies have to do with this ‘she’ person?"

She puts her hands over her ears as if she could still hear. "I don't know! But it is impurrtant!"

"Are you racist or something? Why that dude?"

"Kurloz didn't know they were going to kill Mituna!"

"Mituna? Mituna Captor? Oh fuck, that's Sollux's cousin. And wait, wasn't he friends with Kurloz?"

"Kurloz is not respawnsible! He told me that!"

"Why are you using fucking cat puns while we’re discussing someone's murder?"

"It's not a meowder!"

You look up at the ceiling and try to face-palm only to discover your wrists are handcuffed. Oh, you forgot that was a thing.

"Could you take these fucking handcuffs off? It's not like I can fight you guys. I've proved myself to be well-fucking-harmless."

"Purrobly isn't safe to have them on right now."

She takes a key out of her pocket and unlocks the cuffs.

"Thanks," you say.

She gives you a bottle of water. "You can't eat but you can certainly drink!"

You take the bottle and down 3/4ths of it.

She points to the dresser. "And over there are more water bottles. Don't let your roommates hog them!"


"You're going to be bunking with Gamzee and D-"

"-And you're sleeping with Kurloz?"


"You know about Gamzee?"

"What about Gamzee?"

"He's sleeping with Kurloz."

"Yes, tomeowow!"

"Huh? No, what I mean is-"

Unfortunately, she stands up and turns away. There's no point talking if she can't read your lips. She opens the door and walks out.

"He's purrfectly okay!" she announces to the room, "Except his foot is broken! But otherwise okay!"

Gamzee cheers. What a friend.

Kurloz comes in with his makeup fresh and intimidating. He takes out his electrolarynx.


You're weak but you say, "I will fucking try it again."   


"Yes, even with a broken podical appendage! Which isn't even a fucking term! Just say foot!"


He leaves the room on those last words.

Gamzee walks into the room. His makeup is off so he looks like the friend you once had but he's not. He looks you over and smiles.

"Welcome back!" he cries.

"Like I had a fucking choice," you snap back.

"Still mighty fucking swell to see you again. Are you on that pain?"

"Of course I am! Why wouldn't I be?"

"Just asking."

Gamzee closes the door and takes off his shirt.

"Holy fuck, now?" you ask.

"Calm your sweet tits, I'm only getting ready to hit the sack."


Gamzee undresses down to his boxers and climbs up to the top right bunk.

He asks, "Could you turn away the motherfucking light?"

"No, of course I can't. My foot's broken because you littered your murder island with bear traps."

"It wasn't a bear trap."

"It felt like it."

"Ahh, the Demoness can do it. Though I don't got knowledge that spooky witch ever sleeps." He yawns. "Good night, bro."

So Gamzee sleeps. You should too. So far today you've been raped, forcibly tattooed, switched, and broken your foot in some type of trap. Morning seems ages ago.

You shouldn't have tried to escape now. The problem was you left behind your great-grandmother's gold coin. That brought you bad luck. If you had it, you could escape like she did. Your task tomorrow is to find it.

Soon, you pass out like Gamzee did.   




Chapter Text

You wake up and you are on the floor with no pillow but a blanket. Did you sell your bed? No, you are in an unfamiliar room. There are two bunk beds and they're empty but used. You remember you are a captive. You look down and see your left foot is bandaged and has a splint. Your head then turns to the ceiling. For a long time you just stare at it. Yet you must get up some time. It takes all your effort to get your body up. You drag yourself to the door. Locked, of course, so you bang on it. You can hear talking outside the door. Then, someone opens it. It's Meulin and you instinctively cover your genitals though she's seen them before.

"Good morning!" she says, "How's your paw?"


"Don't walk on it, silly kitty!"

"Must move somehow. Must get to bathroom."

"Lean on me and I'll take you there."

So you do so and she takes you into the bathroom.

You ask, "Could I have some privacy for once?"

"I suppose..."

So she leaves you in the bathroom. While you use it, your right foot hits on a tile that's looser than most. Curiosity overtakes you. Despite the pain, you fall to your knees to check it. You scrape your fingernails under the tile until it comes up. Under the tile is a small hole with a plastic bag in it. You look in the bag and there is the family heirloom your great-grandmother smuggled. However, you have nowhere to put it right now.

There's a knock on the door. You quickly hide the heirloom again.

"Coming!" you yell.

You pull yourself up to the sink with great effort. You hurriedly wash the dirt off your hands before opening the door.

Kurloz was the one knocking. He's wearing only jeans but all he means to do right now is slap some cuffs on you. You wonder if he sees any dirt still under your fingernails. He doesn't tell you where to go, but you kneel in the middle of the room like you assume he wants. It's sad how obedient you are.

Kurloz goes over to the couch where Meulin is sitting. They soon get into sign language conversation with each other. Gamzee is in the kitchen cooking. The Demoness is leaning against the wall reading a Chinese translation of a Highland romance novel.

Nobody is wearing clown makeup except for Damara's heavy contour. Gamzee is still in his boxers. Meulin is wearing a cat-patterned onesie. Kurloz wears jeans but nothing else. Meanwhile, the Demoness is dressed in the same clothes she had on yesterday, except with cuter shoes. Did she ever go to sleep? You don't remember anyone coming in. Maybe Gamzee is right and the witch doesn't sleep.

"Break the fast, y'all!" yells Gamzee, "Except the folks that ain't y'all."  

Everyone that isn't you takes a plate and sits at the table.

"But first," says Gamzee, "Let's speak a prayer."

Meulin says wearily, "Well, Purrloz and I aren't really good at prayer."

"I can honk it for y'all, no prob."

The Demoness says, "You no speak the tongue."

"Look who's talking? Just let me say it."

"Knock self out."

Gamzee takes a deep breath, then starts to make weird raspy noises that sound nothing like any human language. You don't know why Kurloz couldn't be making those noises. He ends by saying "whoop whoop". Meulin and Kurloz (the latter courtesy of his electrolarynx) repeat back "whoop whoop".

However, the Demoness says, "Anata no shita wa kusatte imasu."

Gamzee says, "I'd be wanting for you to do better, bitch."

She takes a deep breath and makes the same weird raspy noises, but somehow more confident. She ends with "whoop whoop".

Meulin asks, "So who did it better?"

Kurloz and Gamzee both point at the Demoness.

Meulin claps. "Congratulations! Now we can eat!"

So ends the strange prayers and begins the food.

"Good job on the pancakes, Gamzee!" Meulin says, "Didn't he do a good job, everyfur?"

Kurloz makes enthusiastic noises of approval while the Demoness sounds ambivalent.

"Aww, y'all are sweet as syrup," Gamzee says.

"Come on, eat more!" Meulin tells the Demoness.

The Demoness says, "All I want is coffee and smoke."

Kurloz drops his fork to sign.

"Why you care if I die? You all hate me."

Meulin says, "We don't hate you! You're family!"

Gamzee says, "Just barely."

"Shut up, aonisai." She gets up and leaves the table for the porch.

Meulin says, "You furs really ought to be nicer to her!"

"Nope," says Gamzee.

They finish their breakfast without the Demoness. Meulin cleans up the dishes. Gamzee goes to the bathroom and Meulin goes to the bedroom. It's just you and a shirtless Kurloz.   

Kurloz ignores your presence, but only for awhile. Then he gets up and casually walks beside you. His right hand starts fluffing your hair. Instead of pushing away, you freeze up. He takes that to mean he can shove your face into his thigh. You hyperventilate but do nothing useful. Apparently your breath makes him hard because you can feel a bulge growing in his tight jeans. He yanks your head back so you can see him do a gesture with his fist and tongue that you get despite not knowing American Sign Language. He lets you go only to work on his jeans. You can't take it again. You can leave. You have a broken foot but you could crawl away. Maybe yell out so Meulin would come and save you. No, she's deaf, you idiot. So he takes out his cock and oh god it's too big. Even considering the ring gag how did you take it before? You'll bite this time. He'll kill you with his bare hands but you'll bite.

"What the hell you doing, cuz?!" yells Gamzee.

Kurloz turns around and you look too to see Gamzee come out of the bathroom with a towel wrapped around his waist. Kurloz signs something but that doesn't end Gamzee's scowl.

"How come I ain't allowed to play with it alone but you fucking can?"

Kurloz signs again.

"Oh, cause you the fucking leader," Gamzee says mockingly, "and that means you can stick your dick into any fucking thing in creation. You can stick it in the ritual object, in Meulin, even in the witch, but I ain't even allowed to play with myself without your permission!"

Kurloz signs.

"No, I ain't even wanting to fuck Meulin or the Demoness, I'm just making a motherfucking point!"

Kurloz signs yet again.

"No, I ain't jealous over Meulin like some spooky-ass witch! This ain't bout any ninjaette!"

You wonder if Meulin will come out with all this yelling of her name then you remember yet again she's deaf.

Kurloz signs something lewd.

"And no, I ain't wanting to fuck you! I gotta get the dressing and the painting and not the fucking!"

Kurloz does some signs very low down. Gamzee's line of sight is right at Kurloz's crotch. Gamzee's hold on his towel wavers. So apparently does his resolve.

"But as long as you half hard I might as well finish you."

He goes over to Kurloz and drops his towel on the floor before kneeling on it. He starts sucking off his cousin and adoptive father in the middle of the room with a girlfriend in the bedroom and why is this happening? You can see the incest as well as hear it and your stomach hurts. Now you can crawl away. Maybe you can go into the bathroom and take the gold coin while those two are distracted by their unnatural act. You crawl around them towards the bathroom. You might get there. But Kurloz rasps and you turn to see despite getting a blow job he's still paying attention to you.

 The master bedroom door opens and Meulin comes out dressed and you think this is the type of drama that will create a distraction and though you feel sorry this is how she finds out you need to - wait, Meulin just walked by. She's deaf, not blind, right? Yet she goes into the bathroom without yelling another word.

The Demoness strolls back in. You have no hope that she'll stop things. Indeed, all she does is say "Not even trying to deep throat, hai?" before collapsing on the loveseat to read her novel.

Since crawling to the bathroom failed, you just sit there in agony. You wish you were reading the Demoness' novel.

After some time, Meulin comes out of the bathroom with her clown cat makeup on. Now she looks directly at her boyfriend.

"Looks like you cats are having fun!" she yells cheerfully but you can detect an uneasiness in her voice. Or you hope that's uneasiness and she isn't completely on-board with it.

Kurloz signs something while still getting his cock sucked.

"I'm just going to take a walk while you...finish up."

She walks pass them and out the front door.

The Demoness says, "You take forever. Gamzee that bad?"

There's the sound of a mouth popping off a cock. "Better than you." Then comes slurping again.

There comes an end to everything and Gamzee is the first to come. He empties his mouth to groan. When he's done groaning and simply breathing hard you turn to look and Kurloz is licking Gamzee's wanking hand and why the hell did you turn?

"You finish first?" remarks the Demoness. "No self-control. Do sloppy job."

"Why don't you suck it, you backseat cockdriver?" Gamzee snaps back.

"No, sucking is for men."

Kurloz makes a rasping noise that's a hint to Gamzee he should get back to his job. Gamzee does that, though with less enthusiasm.

Not long after, Meulin comes back in.

"Hey everyfur let's play Scrabble!" she yells rather manically.

Gamzee's mouth pops off Kurloz's erection and in a statement that likely mirrors everyone else's sentiments goes "What the fuck? Scrabble?"

Meulin continues, "Instead of hanging around until noon we can play Scrabble! Won't that be fun? Purrloz, say something!"

Kurloz grunts as he zips himself up. You turn now to see him sign something to Meulin. His jeans are still bulging but he doesn't seem fully-hard anymore.

"You can finish that after we play SCRABBLE!" she yells, "You love SCRABBLE! Like you love ME!"

Kurloz hangs his head. His bulge is gone. After a moment, he signs something while nodding his head.

"I mew you'd come around!" Meulin yells.

She dances over to the trunk that serves as a coffee table. Opening it, she takes out a Scrabble box. You would have thought the Cultists kept skeletons or torture implements in there. Maybe they do, among the board games. She brings the box to the table and slams it down.

"Go get dressed!" she yells, "I mean only Purrloz and Gamzee get dressed, she's dressed and the ritual object can't be dressed."

Meulin sets up the board. Kurloz and Gamzee soon come out dressed but barefoot. They sit at the table. To your surprise, Damara rises up, puts down her novel, and goes to sit at the table without being begged to participate.

You start to crawl away to the bathroom as Meulin goes over the rules.

"Now," she yells, "no purropurr names are allowed! No foreign words - sorry Dee! No suffixes, prefixes, or abbreviations! Only words that are found in this dictionary right here!" A book hits the table repeatedly. "Everyfur got it? We're going to have so much fun!"

While they have fun, you make it to the bathroom. Yet as you try to lift yourself up, you make enough noise for everyone but Meulin to turn. She turns seconds latter.

"Oh," she says, "it has to use the bathroom."

Kurloz signs.

"It can't use it? Sounds harsh...but fair!"

"No it's not!" you yell.

Yet still, Kurloz goes and picks you up. He deposits you under the table like you're a dog.

"He better not piss," says the Demoness, "These shoes expensive."

Gamzee asks, "Those ugly Chinese knockoffs?"

"You not know shoes, nioi ashi."

"I think her shiny red saddle shoes are purrfectly kawaii!!" Meulin exclaims, "Where did you get them?"


Meanwhile, you would like to pee on her shoes. Pee on everyone's feet. Unfortunately, you are dehydrated.

Above you, they play Scrabble. Despite Meulin's no foreign words rule, the Demoness is adept at finding foreign words that are in the dictionary Meulin keeps thumping. Meulin knows lots of words for angels and devils you think she got from Supernatural. Still, it's Kurloz who is winning, since he's got a predilection for ten dollar words.   

Meanwhile, Gamzee's predilection is to stroke your hair under the table. Whenever there's a lull, he does it. He thinks he's being so sly. You want to flip over the table. Instead you let yourself be pet like a dog...or a cat.

It does stop. There's some silent conversation above you because Gamzee sighs and says, "Fine!" He pushes you over to Kurloz. Kurloz brings you in between his legs. You can feel his bulge at the back of your head. Out of the frying pan and into the bonfire.

His arousal grows but his playing power fades. You feel he deserves it when the Demoness beats him.

"Ha!" she cries, "English my third language yet I win!"

Kurloz bangs the table but you don't know if it's out of shame of losing to her of all people or out of arousal because you're between his legs. He reaches down and adjusts himself.

Gamzee says, "Time for that motherfucking hole-poking, then."

Kurloz takes his hands off his erection.

Gamzee asks, "What you mean you ain't got enough supplies?"

" Baka!" yells Damara, "Anata wa shigoto o hitotsu motte iru. "

"I suppaws Gamzee could go get some more," Meulin says.

Kurloz moves above you again.

"What?" Meulin asks, "I guess I could go with Gamzee."

"I not going," Damara says.

"Nobody asked you," Gamzee snaps.

Kurloz reaches back down to get something out of his jeans that's luckily not his half-hard cock. It jangles on the table.

"Thanks, cuz," Gamzee says.

Maybe you could have stolen those keys earlier? When you were petrified you'd be mouth raped and totally froze? No, you couldn't have.

Meulin and Gamzee get up.

"We gotta get nyooming before afternoon! Come on, let's have a boat trip!" Meulin yelled.

Damara says, "Thought you hate boat."

"But maybe I should love boat! And Purrloz told me to go!"

Gamzee says, "Let's get this bitch done and done."

Their footsteps leave. The front door opens and closes. Perhaps when Meulin and Gamzee are several meters down the path (not that you can tell), Damara says, "You slick bastard."

Kurloz moves.

"Yes, I know you not do it to fuck me. You fuck ritual object."

Again Kurloz moves.

"I not tell. But you owe me."

Kurloz gets up and drags you from under the table. He slings you over his shoulder and as he carries you to the master bedroom you see Damara smiling and waving at you.

Kurloz dumps you on the leftmost bed. You twist your aching body to see him undressing. You haven't actually seen him completely naked before. He has a powerful build and extensive tattooing. Unlike Gamzee, he has no pubes. In fact he doesn't seem to have any body hair at all. You find that unnerving.

When he's fully naked, he takes his electrolarynx out of his pocket.


You follow the robotic command. Behind you, he opens a bottle and soon his cold-gelled cock is pushing like an icicle on your sore backdoor. He does not tease around like Gamzee, who acts as if foreplay makes the situation better. When he's down to the root, he asks you a question.


"How does it feel? It's feels like a huge fucking thing up my ass? Ugh, if you want me to say it feels good you are shit out of luck."

He takes this as a good enough answer and starts moving. His fucking is rhythmic and methodical, unlike the awkward humping Gamzee did that first awful night. You might say Kurloz had good stroke game if that wasn't an insult to the concept of game. His strokes do bring pain but it's a predictable pain at least. You try to put yourself someplace different. But a robotic voice won't let you.


"I already answered that! It feels like having a huge fucking thing up my ass!"


"I don't fucking know what a subjugglator is!"


"What? That's what you call yourselves?" You laugh mirthlessly.


"Why don't you have your baby boy fuck you in the ass so you'll know what it feels like?"

Kurloz strikes the back of your head. Fucking power top here.

"I don't have any fucking experience getting ass-fucked by anyone but you spooky cultists! You fucking took my first time from me! Once I get off this island I'll never do this again!" You are breaking into hot tears now.


He has a dirty talk fetish. He’ll come quicker if you put your mouth to good use.

"Oh yeah it feels so goddamn good to have your magnum monster dong in my rectum! How about that?"

He starts thrusting again. It hurts so bad you wish you had said nothing but he probably would have beaten a response out of you and you'd get a concussion like Gamzee fears.

"Yeah that's it, hump my ass, hump my ass, that's what I like you doing. Continue doing that until you come!"


"Of course I'm fucking ashamed! This is humiliating!"


"You and your ugly cousin raping me is the most humiliating shit in my life and it's worse than all of middle school! It's worse than being dumped! It's worse because you are making me say how humiliating it is and I hope you get raped so you know first-hand how it feels!"

You could choke on your tears right now. Kurloz twists the knife.


"I know that! I know the motion-of-the-ocean but I don't have any motion! I suck in bed, is that what you want me to say? That you top better than I could ever do?"


"I don't fucking want to make love to Gamzee! I never have! Go ahead and make twisted incestuous love to your cousin until his anus prolapses for all I care!"


"Good! I wish you were doing that now!"

All this time Kurloz is thrusting like there's no conversation. He's a machine, just like his voice.

His other hand moves to your penis. You want his hand off. You don't want any sensation that might feel "good". Yet he starts stroking you and you harden.

"You want me to say that feels good? That I like you tweaking my unworthy micro-penis?"


"Then yes I like you tweaking my unworthy micro-penis! And your penis is better than mine! As if that makes you better than me when I graduated college and you didn't!"

He squeezes your penis hard and you yelp.

"Okay! Okay! I'm sorry!"

He stops squeezing.

"Your giant penis makes you better than me! I am inferior to you in all ways! Who the fuck needs college?"


His stroking grows gentle again and you wish you hadn't retracted your insult. The pain is a dull ache you're used to after however long he's been humping away at you but this new pleasure is confusing. You wish you had no sensations and you were floating in a sea of nothingness. Isn't that supposed to happen when you get raped? Why are you still present feeling that movement in your rectum and that hand on your penis and the sheets on your knees and hands and the bed squeaking and the birds singing and that smell of cedar and body odor? Everything is clear as day and it confuses you!

"Stop it! Please just stop it! I can't take any fucking more!"


"Do you want dirty talk? I can't even lie anymore. Just please come..."

The bed squeaking continues but neither of you say anything. You've devolved into sobs. Great heaving sobs.

Eventually, his hand stops touching you. The presence in your rectum leaves and it's so strange to fill hollow yet blown out. Kurloz makes strange noises and you feel a slight splatter on your ass. He's finished. Your confused cock is half-hard but he's finished.

You stay in position as he gets off the bed. Next, you feel a towel wipe the cum off your ass.


He gets dressed while you remain undressed like always. When he's done, he carries you out of the room just like he carried you in. The Demoness is sitting at the table. She smiles wide when she sees you.

"I hear you have fun," she says, "I have fun now."

Kurloz shakes his head.

"You owe me," she says to Kurloz.

Kurloz shrugs.

"Don't worry, this fun to watch. Put him over there."

Kurloz deposits you by the living area on your back. He sits down on the love seat.

So you are laid out on the floor awaiting the "fun". The Demoness comes over and stands over your head. You can see her pink panties but Kurloz notices something else.


"Fun means I smoke!" she yells, "It fun for you too!"

A cigarette box is slapped. A lighter flicks. She breathes out smoke. As if the smell of cigarettes wasn't bad enough, she places her red saddle shoe on your face.

"Lick," she commands.

"Mmmmhmmm," you complain.


You put your tongue out. A molecule of dirt hits one taste bud.

"Lick more."


She kicks your head, not hard but hard enough to know she means business.

"Suck my Chinese knockoffs."

You lick more. You can taste all of Michigan's Upper Peninsula on her soles. This can't be healthy for you. You continue licking since getting your head kicked in would be worse for your health.

"You reincarnated for this. This filth what you live for. Live to be even lower than me."

Kurloz makes a sound of approval for that odd statement.

"Told you you would have fun."

She swings her foot off your face, almost hitting your nose. After that, she drops her pink panties and sits on your face.

"Lick my asshole, gesu yarō."

You lick. She doesn't taste too bad and there's no hair getting in the way but the concept is making you feel a little sick. Her weight is negligible but still right on your cheeks. You can smell her arousal as you go on. It starts to drip on you. Somewhere, you can hear muffled robotic insult.


When your neck is in pain, she finally gets off of you only to straddle your thick thighs with her bony ones. She unbuttons her blouse. Underneath, she wears a beige bra, rather mundane considering her outlandish get-up, but oh my god her breasts are so huge compared to her skinny body. She undoes the front hook and her breasts are still buoyant. Obviously implants. Yet you haven't seen live bare breasts in so long. Not since Terezi broke up with you.

"Eyes up here, ecchi boy," she says with a cigarette in her mouth.

You look at her green eyes. No warmth in them.

She adds, "You disgust me."

You snap back, "I disgust you? You disgust me , you -"

She stuff her pink panties into your dry mouth. You try to pull the panties out but she commandeers your cuffed hands to touch her chest.

"Ecchi boy loves my oppai ."

You don't like her fake hard oppai ! Well, you do, your reptile brain does. Your reptile brain is thinking "oh boy I get to touch breasts!" Why couldn't you be full gay instead of half gay?

"But ecchi boy should not touch me."

She drives her burning cigarette into your right hand and you scream and try to pull away but she's forcing your hands to stay on her goddamn oppai .

You finally spit the panties out and scream, "Let me go!"

"Don't lie. You want this."

"No I don't!"

"All boys do...unless they okama. You okama?"

"I don't speak fucking anime! Speak English!"

" Ie. "

She drops your hands and uses her free hands to light another cigarette quick as that. She bends over your face and breathes smoke right into it. You cough. She starts rubbing her bare crotch against yours and you are having a reaction. Why must you have a reaction?

"So you not okama," she says.

"Is okama an insult or something??"

Kurloz makes his laughing noise and she giggles.

"Gamzee is okama," she says, then adds to Kurloz, "Don't deny it, you know it true."

Kurloz grunts.

You cry, "I don't care, just get off me!"

"Get you off? Hai."

She grinds aggressively on your crotch and you grow harder. She takes her body off your crotch momentarily to admire her work.  

"Such a little chinchin...but it will do."

She then one-handedly guides your erection into her vagina and oh god you're inside her. Her body is enveloping you. It should feel good, maybe a dream, but it feels like a violation just like having those goddamn cocks up your ass. You want out of her now. You actually try to push her off but she stops your hands and again places them on her chest.

"Oh, you do like oppai! Can't stop touching them!" she exclaims cheerfully.

You turn your head in shame. "You're making me touch them!"

She grabs your chin with her hand and forces your head forward. "Look at me."

"I will not look at you, you bony ugly old -"

She shoves the panties into your mouth again.

"Much better," she says.

After silencing you, she starts to hump you. She has good rhythm and muscle control and your reptile brain is still thinking "boobies!" and it's not fair that you're feeling these things. You groan around the panties.

Damara is making weird painful noises which you think are supposed to be pleasure since you couldn't possibly be causing her pain. Is she actually going to come from raping you? You'd rather disappoint her.

You hear the noise of a zipper and slapping flesh and your body tenses even more than it already was.

"Told you you have fun too," she says and it takes you a moment to realize she's talking to Kurloz.


He doesn't just stay sitting on the sideline. He comes over and straddles your head. He takes the panties out of your mouth only to shove his cock down your throat. With both his hands he keeps your mouth open. He humps your head just like she's humping your crotch.  You've heard this position is supposed to be easier for beginner fellators but that's a fucking lie when you're being teabagged by a juggalo. You wish you could asphyxiate and die right now. Despite it all, you're still hard.

Above you there's a kiss and you think "Kurloz and the witch are a thing?" which is besides the goddamn point. The Demoness also thinks it's besides the goddamn point because she slaps Kurloz.

"Not anymore," she says.

So Kurloz goes back to molesting you instead of the Demoness. Honestly, those two sadists would make a great ship. Better than Kurloz and poor Meulin.

You are moaning around Kurloz's cock and you hate to think that hum is giving him more pleasure. Yet you can't help it. He better not think it's because of him. It's because fate isn't kind to you.    

"You like cock too?" she asks, "Moan to say hai."

You moan whether you want to or not.

"I knew it."

Eventually, that Demoness tenses around you in a certain way and screams and you just know you made her come. Like she fucking deserves it.

Kurloz comes next but he already came like fifteen minutes ago or twenty hours. Time is meaningless.

You are gasping for breath while the Demoness has caught hers.

"You want to come?" she asks.

Before you can answer "yes!" or lie she shoves the pink panties in your mouth.

"Too bad," she answers for you.

She pulls herself off your still-hard penis and for good measure grinds her burning cigarette into your thigh. Your penis wilts in fear.

"Pathetic," she says and to add a fine point on it she spits on your face.

You're left blue-balled and shaking on the floor as she gets up and leaves. You pull the panties out of your mouth. Hope you've ruined them somehow.

You hear the bathroom door open and the shower go off. Could Kurloz and the Demoness both fit in the shower stall? If they were both busy, could you escape? But what about the coin?

Your question on who is in the shower is answered when Kurloz comes over with a lumpy bag in his hand and turns you on your stomach. You wonder if he'll anally rape you yet again when you feel a different sort of attack on your back. He's hitting you with something round and hard. It's like you're trapped in a batting cage. You try to protect your head but you can't with your hands cuffed.

The Demoness comes in, only to laugh at you.

"You deserve it for making me filthy."

It ends. Kurloz drops the bag by your head and you can smell orange. He beat you with a bag of oranges. Your spine feels out of alignment but you guess you won't bruise.


"I get it," you say from the floor.


"Already done. I don't want to be his friend. I never wanted to be his friend. He's the one that came hopping up to me with his dumb smile back in middle -"

Kurloz smites you upon the head and you shut up. The Demoness laughs again.

"He is right. Who would want friendship of Gamzee?"

A pause.

"You no want friendship. You want control. That's why you fuck him."

Kurloz stomps off into the bathroom. The Demoness goes off to bunk room.

You see some of her washed face as she goes. As alien as the Demoness feels, you keep thinking you know her.

Eventually, Kurloz and the Demoness are back in the main room together. Both have makeup, though of wildly different styles. Kurloz takes you over to the living area and uses you as a foot rest while he watches that same Vietnam documentary. The Demoness blatantly smokes a cigarette.

There's a knock on the door.

Kurloz gets his big feet off of your poor back and answers the door. It's not the police like you hoped for a millisecond.

"We're back!" yells Meulin.

"And we got ourselves a motherfucking bucket of fried-up chicken parts!"

Where did they even go? Is there some other island around here? How long have they been gone?

Everyone's footsteps go to the other side of the room. You crawl to see them at the table. Everyone but the Demoness has a piece of chicken in their hands.

"I hate fried chicken," she says.

"Then don't eat," say Gamzee through a mouth of chicken.

After eating, Gamzee says, "Smells like cigs up in here."

"You can smell over grease?" the Demoness asks.

"I smell it too!" yells Meulin.

Kurloz taps Meulin's shoulder and signs something.

"I guess if you say it's okay," she says.

"Speaking of smoking, I got some big witnessing for y'all family, and, umm, accidentally the ritual object. You know how you scored me some DMT?"

The Demoness nods. "You owe me."

Gamzee sighs. "Okay, I owe you. Anyway, I smoked it up and I had me a vision."

"Cool beans!" yells Meulin, "What was it?"

"I be in my past life form, you know the one I'm meaning, when this seven foot woman with three foot candy corn horns towered over me and I ain't small but she be bigger."

Meulin gasps. "It was Her!"

Kurloz signs frantically.

"Yeah, of course I'll tell you more. She came and wrapped me in her gold-lined arms and smooshed me in her bomb-ass big titties, which by the way be much better than the Demoness' fake ass titties. Her skin be black as polished obsidian and cool to the touch like ice. Best fucking hug in my life, sorry folks."

"So what your point?" asks the Demoness, "We all know what Condy look like."

"Don't call her Condy," Gamzee says, "She is Her Imperious Condescension."

The Demoness sighs.

"But what be important is what she Says: She say in our holy language that we be doing it right. That she proud of me and mine. That one day soon She'll come for us all. The Paradise Planet be upon us."

The Cultists whoop, though the Demoness' whoop is half-hearted.

Gamzee continues, "She's just so beautiful and wonderful and magical and..."

"So Fish Lady just says what I already say," says the Demoness.

Meulin says, "She is more impurrtant than you."


When the Cultists finish eating and clean up, Meulin spreads the tarp again on the floor and Kurloz comes out with his tattooing toolbox.

"More?!" you yell, "Please, no more!"

Gamzee says, "Your tattoo ain't finished." He holds up a jar of pink ink from the bag of supplies. "Gotta put in them pink."

"Oh for fuck sake, a pink tattoo?"

You are taken over to the tarp and held down like before, even though your legs don't need as much holding down. You aren't going to escape.

Kurloz kneels down and opens the toolbox. Gamzee peers inside.

"Looks like you got plenty of pink already," he says.

Kurloz signs something.

"Yeah, it would suck if we got running out of ink midst the tattoo...still...nah."

You see the Demoness roll her eyes but Gamzee doesn't seem to notice.

Kurloz takes the bandages off of you. They've been on so long you've forgotten their presences and it feels weird to have them off. He wipes your chest with alcohol wipes. The tattooed lines are still so red. He prepares the needle and you think to yourself that this time will be better because you already know what it will feel like but then HE STABS YOU and it hurts! You try to move away but you can't.

Kurloz isn't simply making lines now. He's poking out entire letters. Entire blocks of garish hot pink.  

You'll spend your time thinking about laser tattoo removal. Is hot pink harder to remove than other colors? You've heard after laser tattoo removal you pee out the ink. Will you be peeing pink for a week? How will you pay for the removal anyway? The idea you might have to spend hundred of dollars that could be spent on graduate school on removing these tattoos is painful but not as painful as getting forcibly tattooed. Nor as painful as the thought that you'll never get out of here to get tattoo removal. Just try to think about that and not the blood. Oh god there's so much blood.

It takes forever for simply one letter to be filled in. Thousand of pokings. He has to wipe often to see your chest through all the blood.

One line of letters down. Only one line out of five. If this were something you were paying for, you could ask him to chill while you took a breather. You wish you could bribe him to take a breather.

"Please...I'll give you money to stop."

He snorts and continues. That was not worth a shot. You wish you were shot.

Time passes. The sunlight changes over your outstretched body. Still, this sadist carefully pokes holes in your body. The blood loss is making you thirsty. You're also losing precious fluids to nervous sweat. And is that tears? Why must you cry at a moment like this?

What will the laser tattoo removal technician ask when they see this tattoo? Will you even be able to begin to explain it?

Then, after an eternity, Kurloz wipes your chest one last time before bandaging it.

Gamzee says, "Still got plenty of that motherfucking pink ink."

Kurloz doesn't bother to respond. He closes the toolbox and takes off his gloves before walking off.

Meulin says, "I'm gonna take a cat nap." She goes off to the bunk bedroom.  

Gamzee takes you over to the living room area and turns on the TV. You lie again at his feet. The Demoness sits on a loveseat.  

The smells of cooking wafts from the kitchen. Is that hamburgers? You could go for a hamburger now. You could go for a lot of different types of food right now. You know you won't get any.

You pulls your body up on to the couch. The pain is excruciating but so is the shame of lying around like a rug. The cushion is hard and you want to lie down but your head would end up in Gamzee's lap and he'd stroke your hair or worse. Who made this couch so hard? You hate the design.

Gamzee looks over at you and smiles but says nothing and turns back to the TV. He keeps mum on the situation.

You hear the noise of plates and you turn to see Kurloz place four plates on the island counter. He sees you and his eyes widen. He clears his throat and signs something.

Gamzee answers, "He just all up and motherfucking crawled up here while I ain't paying attention."

Kurloz signs again.

"Do it really even matter?" Gamzee responds.

Kurloz signs.

"Motherfuck, fine."

Gamzee sighs and pushes you off the couch. He goes over and grabs a plate.

The Demoness says, "I will not eat."

Gamzee yells "Then why don't we just go all giving that plate to it, right?"

" Baka . We not feed it."

"Not at all? Do it really matter in the motherfucking end?"

Kurloz storms back into the kitchen and he brings out a pan. Gamzee throws up his arms.

"Holy shit!" Gamzee says, "Don't fucking brain him! That'll kill a motherfucker!"

Kurloz pulls you up by the handcuffs and you think he's going to do what Gamzee thought he was going to do when burning covers your face and greasiness pours down. You try to wipe your eyes but the handcuffs make it hard and the grease is getting everywhere. Everything smells like meat.

The Demoness laughs uproariously. Gamzee gasps and repeats the words "holy motherfucking shit!" over and over. Kurloz is silent. Meulin yells, "What the yiff is going on here?!"

You try stumbling into the kitchen or the direction of the kitchen but you can't see and you run into someone.

Meulin yells, "Stop nyooming into people! I'll take you to the kitchen!"

You take her arm and she guides you into the kitchen. She puts your head in the sink. Cold water pours on your face and at first it burns like the grease until the pain goes away. She wipes your face. You can see just barely but your face feels swollen. Your feet and ass now register a complaint now that you aren't distracted by the pain in your face.

Meulin asks, "Purrloz, why did you throw grease in his - I mean its face?"

Kurloz signs several things.

Meulin nervously replies, "Oh, that makes sense."

"What the Hell makes sense?!" you yell.


The Demoness looks at you and adds, "He also want to make you ugly so Gamzee no love."

Kurloz rolls his eyes.

"You know it true, older Makara," the Demoness says.

Your captors take their food and sit down to eat as if nothing happened. You lie yourself down on your side next to the couch but not on it. You don't ever want to eat hamburgers ever again. You think the grease only burned one layer of skin but that's one layer too many. You resist the urge to touch your face but it feels leathery. You really should go to a doctor but if you suggested that your kidnappers would laugh. If only you had that sat phone so you could call 911.

You are so thirsty. Maybe not thirsty for beer but you do need something to drink. It's not healthy to lose so much blood and not drink water. There's the bathroom. Even if the coin isn't there anymore, it would still be helpful to get water. You try going towards the bathroom but Kurloz stops you.


You do stay there. Maybe they'll be distracted later.

After dinner, Gamzee starts a fire in the fireplace while Meulin cleans up. It's still light outside and the fire makes the room brighter and hotter. You can see the glow of the cigarettes in the wood. When Meulin is done, she comes out of the kitchen and jumps excitedly when she sees the fire.

"S’MORES!" she yells.

"That's the motherfucking plan, sis."

"Dee, you love s’mores, right? Everyone loves s’mores."

"I love fire," she answers and looks at you briefly with a wide smile.

The Cultists toast marshmallows while you watch hungrily. Kurloz carefully toasts every side of his marshmallow. The Demoness puts her marshmallow in the fire, lets it burn to a crisp, and keeps creepy eye-contact with you while she does it.

After s’mores, Kurloz signs something to the group.

"A movie?" Gamzee asks, "Let's finish Big Money Rustlas!"

The Demoness groans.

Meulin says, "Come on, it's only fair we finish it!"

"I go leave."

"But I want you here to enjoy the movie. It's no fun without mew!"

"You want me here?" Does the Demoness look...flustered? "I just need one cig."

"Just come back in time for the next meowvie!"

So the Demoness leaves. Kurloz and Meulin sit next to each other while Gamzee takes a loveseat.

They finish watching Big Money Rustlas. The movie ends on a stupid note, just like it begun. Apparently the Little Person woman had a dick. What an original joke. The Demoness comes back in while the credits play. Kurloz insist everyone watch them. Thankfully, nobody suggests watching the Bonus Features. You could not bear to watch the movie again but with Violent J and Shaggy 2 Dope talking about which actresses they'd like to bang. Gamzee takes the DVD out of the Playstation 3 and puts it away.    

"Hey," asks Meulin, "Could we now watch the live-action Beauty and the Beast?"

Kurloz shrugs. You shrug internally. You don't hate that movie as much after watching the excruciating mess that is Big Money Rustlas.

Meulin goes to the master bedroom and brings out the DVD case. She takes the DVD out of the case and puts it in the Playstation 3. There's Disney ads before the menu. You are shown visions of the Happiest Place on Earth while you're at this nightmare. If only you had gone to Disneyland instead of camping in Upper Peninsula Michigan. Or even went to California Adventure.

The menu starts. Meulin sets the subtitles. You think it's strange she'd want to watch a musical. Well, she'll miss out on Emma Watson's auto-tuned voice. Despite the pain, you are sitting up to watch the movie. You'll enjoy this brief respite.

Occasionally, you look back at the couch. Kurloz and Meulin sit real close together on the couch. Kurloz has his arm around Meulin's shoulder. This is a better movie to cuddle to than an Insane Clown Posse vehicle. Kurloz and Meulin look like a happy couple. Are moments like this why she stays with him? Or is there force involved and she's actually unhappy?

Part way through the movie, Gamzee comes over to the couch and sits on Kurloz's other side. He lays his head in Kurloz's lap and you expect another blow job but instead Kurloz pets Gamzee's dreads. It's a quiet One True Threesome moment. Sticky sweet like marshmallows made of asbestos.

Meanwhile, you don't cuddle with the Demoness. She is pouting as she watches the movie.

Maybe now you can escape to the bathroom. You knock yourself out of caring about this stupid movie and crawl to the bathroom. You are close to the door when Kurloz steps next to you. He drags you back to the living room area. Meulin pauses the DVD.

"What's going on?" she asks.

"I'm only trying to get some freaking water!" you yell hoarsely.

"Come on, cuz," Gamzee says. "Let a motherfucker get a little something to drink."

Kurloz nods. He goes into the dark kitchen. There's the sound of tinkling on hard plastic. Kurloz comes back out with a bowl and you gear yourself up to drink water like a dog. He puts the bowl down in front of you and you find you are in for a greater humiliation. The warm yellowish liquid in the bowl is most certainly urine.

"Sick!" yells the Demoness. "We eat from bowl!"

"You ain't eating," Gamzee says.

"Do you really expect me to drink this?!" you ask.

Kurloz nods.

"Well, I refuse then!" you yell.

The Demoness says, "Yaru."

Meulin yells, "Gross! Purrloz, are you fur real?"

But Kurloz goes off to the master bedroom.

Meulin unpauses the movie.

"Just one of Purrloz's jokes!" she yells, "What a kittener!"

Then Kurloz comes out of the master bedroom with the tiny pistol. You had forgotten its existence. Everyone reacts with startled noises except for Meulin, who isn't looking.

"Purrloz, you're missing a grreat purrrt!"

Kurloz points the pistol at your remaining good foot. You remember the pain of one broken foot and decide not to add another. The urine drinking is only a temporary pain. Which will lead to a permanent aftertaste.

"Fine, I'll drink, you pervert!" you yell.

The urine isn't dark yellow. Kurloz has been drinking lots of beer. Maybe there's some alcohol left and you'll get drunk. You can't imagine how much alcohol it takes to forget you drank me.

You put your head down. You can feel the heat still on the urine. Your tongue shoots out to lick like a filthy unclean cat. You can't bring yourself to move your tongue to the surface of the liquid. Then a hand pushes your head down and you are forced to taste the urine. It tastes more salty than anything should taste. An extremely vile liquid. Still, you swallow. Already feeling sick, you bring your head back up.

"There, I tasted your urine. You made your point," you say.

Instead, Kurloz pushes your head down again.

"Drink piss, bitch," says the Demoness.

"Holy motherfucking shit," says Gamzee breathlessly.

You lap up more piss and it doesn't taste any better the more you drink. You don't think you're even getting drunk off of it. Your stomach complains but you know if you vomited you'd just be forced to eat that. There's just so much piss after he's been knocking back the beers, pouring them into his huge body.

Meulin is watching the movie but the rest of the Cultists watch you. Damara is "cheering" you on and Gamzee sounds horrified but almost turned on. Kurloz takes out his electrolarynx.


Does he expect you to answer? You'd literally rather drink piss than talk to him. You keep on doing so.


Maybe you should have said it tasted terrible? No, keep on drinking.


On that, you throw up the urine. The acid on your throat is unbearable. Gamzee makes a noise like a spit take without the water.

"You all hentai," the Demoness says.

"It was just that one motherfucking time!" Gamzee yells, "And you'd drank a whole damn six pack of diet Faygo and I could tell up a thing or two ‘bout your kinks like-"

"Nobody cares. Meulin not hear."

Yet at that moment, Meulin notices what's going on.

"Is it okay? Did it drink all of it?" she asks as if this was your brilliant idea and not her sadistic boyfriend's.

The Demoness turns to face Meulin. "It pussed out."

Kurloz takes the bowl away from you and goes to the kitchen.

"Destroy bowl!" yells the Demoness.

"Poor ritual object," Meulin says.

The girls continue watching the movie. Yet Kurloz and Gamzee walk off to the bedroom. Soon, you hear the noises of them having sex. Meulin may be deaf but she has to know Kurloz and Gamzee just left to have sex after watching you drink a quart of urine. And urine drinking apparently isn't the worst fetish those two have.

Okay, focus on the movie and not the urine. You can still smell and taste it. The urine will never go away.

The castle is freed from its magical entrapment. Everyone can go home now to their families who were fully prepared to join a lynch mob. Josh Gad shares a knowing look with Stanley. Happy ending for them, unhappy ending for you.

"Let's go to bed!" Meulin says.

She takes you to the bunk bed room. She gives you another water bottle and you drink greedily. Even after downing all of it, you don't feel like the taste of urine will ever leave your mouth.

"Thank you," you say anyway.

"No purrblem! How are you feline?"

Is she really asking that?

"I''s just...what I don't get is what a nice girl like you is doing with an absolute monster like Kurloz?"

"He's not a monster! You don't know him!"

"I thought I knew him! I thought he was just Gamzee's also-juggalo also-goofy cousin!"

"Yes, you don't know him! Kurloz and I have been furriends since middle school! He never made fun of me fur being a yooper or a fujoshi! He loves my cat puns!"

"So what? I've never made fun of you to your face and I tolerate your cat puns but you aren't dating me. In fact, you have me in goddamn CHAINS!"

"But that's not all he's done for me! After my car accident, the one that took my hearing, I was so scared and alone and depressed and I couldn't even leave the house! But he came over and kept me company! And this was after I dumped him for being a little out of hand after he got throat cancer!"

"So he was nice to you for a time so he could butter you up. But right now he's openly sleeping with his cousin while you bunk with his rape victim!"

"You don't understand our relationship! Kurloz has enough love for both of us! There's nothing wrong with his relationship with Gamzee!"

"It's incest!"

"They're just cousins! Everyfur is cousins!"

"Those two fuckers aren't third or fourth cousins. Gamzee's dad was Kurloz's uncle! Plus Kurloz adopted Gamzee!"

"We are all family! I am just as much family with Purrloz as Purrloz is with Gamzee!"

"Is that line the fresh bullshit Kurloz fed you before he started fucking Gamzee or was it old bullshit by the time it got to you?"

"He didn't lie when I found him and Gamzee together celebrating Gamzee's initiation! They only started their relationship a year earlier!"

"What, Gamzee was an adult when Kurloz started deep-dicking him? For real?"

"Don't you dare suggest Purrloz is a pedophile!"

"I don't know what crime I could put past him at this point."

"Purrloz was troubled after he got throat cancer but the Church changed his life around!"

"Yeah, he's gone from so-called 'troubled' to being a fucking psycho!"

"He's not a psycho! He's sweet and funny and he's a generous and tender lover!"

"Yeah I didn't notice that when he was raping me."

"He's raped you?"

"Yes he's raping me!"

She looks shocked and you hope she's going to turn on him but her open mouth soon turns to a smile.

"It's just part of the ritual!"


"I'm sure Purrloz has his reasons! Besides, you should be honored! Enjoy his skills!"

"What the fuck are you even saying, you Stockholmer, that I should just lie back and think of-"

But she turns her head away and gets into her bed.

"Good night!" she yells faced-away from you.

You don't say good night back. She wouldn't be able to hear anyway.

As Meulin sleeps, your mind turns to the movie you saw tonight. Perhaps Meulin would think that Kurloz is her Prince Adam and she is Belle or maybe even compare herself to that perfect romance of Maestro Cadenza and Madame de Garderobe but really, Kurloz is Gaston and Meulin is Josh Gad. Okay, Kurloz isn't incredibly handsome like Luke Evans, just better looking than his first cousin, which isn't hard. Yet Kurloz does run his own business which is hot. Anyway, he has everyone fooled like Gaston. Josh Gad says Gaston isn't normally like this but all we see is Gaston being a real douchebag so you don't know how he pulled it off outside of bribery. Yet you really thought Kurloz could be a good father figure to Gamzee. And apparently he was a good boyfriend to Meulin. You hope Meulin finds her Stanley but given that she just approved your rape you're not sure she deserves one. She's no Josh Gad. Maybe Gamzee is Josh Gad. Or you're Josh Gad. Someone is Josh Gad and a Stanley better show up some time soon.

Do happy endings even exist?     


Chapter Text

You wake up in pain from all over your body. The pain is increased when you see Gamzee's awful clown face above you.

"Good morning!" he yells.

You look over at where Meulin was sleeping. She's not there. The Demoness isn't where she's supposed to be sleeping but you're used to that.

"Where's Meulin?" you ask.

"She and Kurloz are out all fishing and chatting."

"So is that how it goes? You switch off having romantic moments?"

"Yeah, there's plenty of Kurloz to share."

"And you think Meulin is 'purrfectly' okay with this?"

"You motherfucking talk with her. You should know."

"Honestly, she doesn't sound honest with her feelings at all. So, how did she react when she caught you?"

"She be shocked when she caught my dick in Kurloz's mouth after the initiation but she got over it."

"Why didn't Kurloz tell her if there wasn't anything wrong with it?"

"It wasn't the right time until it was."

“When did you plan to tell me?”

"Ain't never been a need to tell you."

"My ass, you should have told me! When did you and your actual first cousin really become a thing? Did he diddle you after getting you high on your first joint?"

"He ain't no pedofiddler."

"Then when? Did he wait for you to get twelve?"

"Reverse those numbers! I was motherfucking twenty one!"

"I don't believe that."

"But it's true! He was motherfucking there when Tavros dumped me! He came into my room while I was weak and weeping and he got to stroking me and he made me feel things I ain't never feel before!"

"What, in your ass?"

"Yeah, in my ass!"

"Ewww, gross! Did you ask him to fuck the pain away?"

"No, because with lovers you ain't need to ask! He be anticipating my needs! Better than you did!"

"What, all you needed was a rebound fuck? Maybe I could have bought you a rent boy and you wouldn't have fucking kidnapped me!"

"Kurloz been more than a motherfucking rebound fuck to me. He brought me to the Church. The real and only Church."

"What is the deal with this fucking church?"

"Sorry, I ain't allowed to say."

"Look, I'm already in your secret fortress. You might as well tell me why you're doing all this."

"So you want to know why I be a Subjugglator?"

"I do know, it's because your diddling cousin brainwashed you."

"Nah, because I be destined to be a Subjuggulator. Gonna enlighten you up. My 'diddling cousin' and me, we was members of an aristocracy you can't imagine."

You scoff. "Yeah, your Grandma Karen already informed me."

"Nah, I don't mean the aristocracy you can imagine. That ain't even much of an aristocracy. Just some humans with too much fucking money and education for they own motherfucking good. I mean a motherfucking aristocracy that ruled the planet, nah, we ruled a galaxy!"

"A galaxy? Is this some science fiction bullshit?"

"It some science reality bullshit. We was aliens."

You roll your eyes. "Oh for the love of fuck, another alien cult. You think you're fucking aliens?"

"We be 100% humans. But in a past life, we was 100% aliens. All in this house was an alien."

"What? Does that include -"

He puts a finger on your lip. "But I ain't talking bout you yet. Anyway, we be aliens with a rainbow of color for our hemo fluids. Each color be a different caste. My cousin and me, we was a member of the most highest aristocracy, only just below royalty. Our blood be purple." He chuckles. "Fitting I fucking love purple so much. So we purplebloods all ruled with an iron fist. Hit any motherfucker who got disagreeing with a juggling club. We painted our faces like clowns but we ain't be a joke unless the punchline be the death of heretics. We took starships and conquered all the pathetic aliens."

"That sounds fucking ghastly."

"Yet we also was loving and friendly and we ain't never hate anyone for being gay. Ain't even care ‘bout incest cause we all family. Nobody gotta do with just one partner all their lives long. You see why I gotta love this 'cult', don't you?"

"There's human religions that allow you to be gay and poly."

"But not incestuous all the same time."

"That's because you shouldn't be incestuous!"

"Says the humans but fuck them. They just one more species to conquer."       

"So if this civilization was so great, what the hell happened to it?"

"A great and powerful noise wiped us out."

"Huh? A noise? The aliens died from a noise?"

"But there still be one alien that survived."

"Is that the god you worship?"

He snorts. "She just one alien. Ain't even a Subjugglator. But She the key to our revival."

"Who is She?"

"Remember my DMT trip? That was the She."

"The fish lady?"

"Don't talk about her none, heretic."

"Then what about me? Where do I fit into this science reality fantasy planet?"

"You don't."

"Then let me go!"

"No can do."

"Why? Why me?"

"Cause in a past life you was also an alien. But you was an alien who blood don't fit in our beautiful rainbow. You was a motherfucking threat to all our happy civilization."

"But I'm not a threat to civilization now!"

He chuckles. "Actually, funny thing is, you was reincarnated into some motherfucker whose blood put you outside decent civilization. Someone whose blood should have been wiped out."

"You did not just go there, you fucking space nazi! I should have known this was some Klu Klux Klan bullshit what with Kurloz's Confederate shirt!"

"We more than some human clubs, bro."

"Seems to me you're just one more cult. Past lives! Aliens! Open sexual mores that are justification for one pervert to gets his rocks off with multiple partners! It's all been done."

"It'll be the last thing done in humankind. Now, I shouldn't have got telling you this cause I wasn't told until I was half dead but you half dead too."

Gamzee stomps out and leaves the door open.

You pull yourself up with the bed posts and hobble out the open door. Nobody seems to be around. Now is your chance to use the bathroom alone and get that coin. You go into the bathroom and lock the door behind you. You collapse down to your hands and knees. You pick up the loose tile and nothing is there. Just a hole. Where did the coin go? Your fingers try to search every other tile but none of them are a secret hiding spot. You check the cabinet but you can't find it there. The mirror holds no secrets. Is the coin now on the bottom of the lake? Your stomach feels like it's in the same place.

You use the bathroom the way it's meant to be used then leave. As you do, you realize there's a door going to a room you haven't been in yet. Could the coin be there? You hobble over. It seems to be a laundry room. You are about to go in when...

"Good morning, everyone!" calls out Meulin as she holds up two fish, "We got fishies!"

She and Kurloz are hand-in-hand-in-fish as they open the front door. You fall in surprise. Meulin laughs at you while Kurloz glowers.

Meulin takes the fish to the kitchen. Kurloz drags you over to the living room area. He watches television while Meulin prepares the fish.

"Trout for breakfast!" she yells, "It's the best!"

The smell of fish is in the air when the Demoness walks in the front door. She crinkles her nose.

"Ugh," she says, "Why you torture us with smell?"

Meulin takes no note, being too busy in the kitchen, but Kurloz signs.

Damara says, "Cigarettes smell better than cooking fish."

She sits down and takes out a cigarette. She smokes it while Kurloz watches angrily.

Meulin cooks the fish. Gamzee, Kurloz, and she eat the fish but the Demoness and you don't.

After breakfast, Kurloz and Gamzee go out to do some mysterious work outside. The Demoness hangs out in the bunk bedroom. Meulin and you are alone in the main room.

You say, "Don't you ever tell any of your other cultist buddies, especially not your boyfriend, but my former friend spilled all about this past life mojo."

Meulin says, "He did? Did he tell you about my past life?"

"No, which is why I'm asking. He never said you were part of the aristocracy."

"Actually, no. My blood wasn't great, but it wasn't bad, the way yours is, no offense. I was green!"


"Yeah, olive green! I actually like that color, funny enough. But I was a scout for the..." She pauses. "...we call him the Grand Highblood."

"The what?"

"He was the leader of the Subjugglators! And you know who he is now?"

"Whoever the Grand Imperial Dragon of this entire chickenshit operation is?"

"No, but close. He's Purrloz!"

"If Purrloz - I mean Kurloz - is the reincarnation of the leader of the Subjugglators why isn't he Grand Imperial Dragon?"

"I know, right? He could totally be the leader. He has the skills. Meowbe he will be one day."

"Then who is the leader?"

"Hank Korhonen is the Michigan chapter leader."


"Yeah, he's a nice guy, and he's a yopper like me! But he's getting really really old and Purrloz will take over after him."

"But above this Hank, who is the leader?"

"The Demoness is!"

"She started this cult?"

"No, but she knows the person that did! She simply assists him."

"She's his secretary?"

"More like Handmaid."

"Is that a sexual thing? Does she get pregnant by him?"

"No, it's not like that! I think. I'm afraid to ask."

"So who is this founder?"

"I can't tell you!"

"You told me the name of Hank!"

"Hey, did you know I was also girlfriends with Purrloz in our past life! We were destined lovers! The first ship! Isn't that romeowntic?"

"Normally I'd say yes but in this case I say FUCK NO."

"But it was romeowntic until you - well, your past life - came along! You kitnapped and raped me, you and your followers!"

"What? Why?"

"I don't know! I haven't yet seen that far!"

"So is that why you've kidnapped and raped me? Revenge?"

"No, silly, the rape of a greenblood doesn't meowtter that much! But your death is impurrtant."

Your blood runs cold. You had suspected this but hearing it out-loud was something else. Tears form.

"So you are going to kill me?" you ask weakly.

"Yes, that's why we brought you here. We must sacrifice you! It will make all the happiness pawsible!"

"You can't 'pawsibly' believe that!"

"But I do! What else in my life can I believe in? It's the highest truth!"

"The highest truth??"

"I was lost after the car accident! I had to drop out of college beclaws I couldn't even leave the house! But the Church gave me purrpose! I wasn't afraid anymore!"

"And how do you think I feel? I'm fucking terrified!"

"Don't worry, it'll all be over soon!"

"I don't want it to be over! I want to be free!"

"You'll be free from life!"

You start to sob. Freedom from life does seem the only 'pawsibility'.

The Demoness comes out of the bunk bedroom.

"Keep it down out there," she says.

Meulin pats your back as she says to the Demoness, "Tell him his death will be impurrtant!"

"I cannot."

"Please, don't you believe in our meowission?"

"What I believe no matter. You should not tell it so much. It is a ritual object."

"Why are you so cold?"

"That is who I am."

"You didn't used to be! I miss you!"

The Demoness is breathing as heavily as you are now. The door opens and closes and you are back alone with Meulin.

"There, there," she says.

You don't know how long you cry but eventually you are interrupted.


You turn to see Kurloz and Gamzee.

"Huh?" you ask weakly.


The Demoness enters the main room again.

"What?" she asks testily.


"A magic trick?"

Kurloz holds up his fingers.


The Demoness smiles. "Oh, I like trick."

Gamzee asks, "We actually doing that?"

Kurloz points to the kitchen. Gamzee goes to do his bidding. He signs to Meulin. She undoes your cuffs only to cuff you behind your back like you probably should be cuffed anyway. Then, he starts getting undressed.

Gamzee comes out with a can of Crisco. You cringe away from him as he gets close.

"Don't lube me up!" you yell.

"You'd rather we get going in dry?" he asks.

"No! I mean I don't want to do this!"

Gamzee shakes his head. "Ain't your decision."

Meulin holds you down while Gamzee puts that shortening on your sore hole. Then, Gamzee puts more lube on Kurloz's cock.

Kurloz lies down on the floor with a pillow under his head. He points at his erect cock. Gamzee leads you to him.

"Sit on that motherfucker!" he yells.

"Sit and spin," the Demoness adds.

"You want me to do that with my arms behind my back?!" you ask.

"We ain't gonna ask again."

You move on your aching knees to straddle Kurloz's crotch. That motherfucker Kurloz doesn't help at all. You can feel his erection up the crack of your ass and it goes up a far distance, especially considering how long your ass crack is. You lift your body up and position the round head at your already sore anus. You've fit this monster in before. This time it's covered in heavy duty lubrication. Just relax your body. You can't. It won't go it. You'll bend it. Though would that really be a bad thing? Kurloz deserves to have his bone bulge or whatever broken.

Then before you can break Kurloz's boner, Gamzee comes from behind and pushes you down. The cock just shoots right up. You're being stabbed again! Even with the copious lube it hurts. It will be worse when you move. You don't move.

"Bounce, motherfucker, bounce!" Gamzee yells.


"And just like a carousel I won't have fun," you say.

"This carousel be plenty fun," Gamzee says.

You groan but obey. You move your body up slowly and go down just as slowly. Even that speed feels too much. Your knees are already aching.

"Faster! Faster!" Gamzee yells as he claps right behind your head.  

" Hai ! Hayaku itte !" the Demoness yells.

You pick up speed, trying to match Gamzee's claps so he won't slap you with his hands or some worse punishment.

Meulin and the Demoness are watching you. The Demoness is completely mirthful. Meulin seems shocked but not enough to look away.

Meanwhile, Kurloz continues to lie back and soak in your shame. Yeah, go ahead and be a lazy lover. Just sit back and be a literal dildo as well as a metaphorical one. You don't care.

Oh no, now he's taking his hands and stroking your flaccid penis. You want to push his hands off but your own are currently behind your back. What a painful position you are in.

"Little chinchin get hard," says the Demoness.

"Only a little fluffed," you say.

Gamzee stops clapping but you know you're not allowed to stop. You feel his presence behind you and then his erection is against your used ass.

"Kurloz shouldn't be the only one fucking this sweet piece of ass," Gamzee says.

"It won't fit!" you scream.

"I think we will pull a miracle train on you."

"Miracles are fake IT WON'T FUCKING FIT!"

Gamzee uses his free hands to press his bulbous cockhead at your stretched out entrance. You try to move away but he grabs your hips and pushes you onto his erection. Your poor body is stretched out beyond belief. You will never be the same. You scream so loud you could bust your voicebox.

Then, your tormentors start moving in you and it gets worse. Amidst all the pain you think about how incestuous it is that their cocks are pressed together in the small spaces that is your body. You know this isn't an accident. They like it that way. Again your body is just a fuck toy to spice up their romance.


He grabs your penis again. It had gone limp from the excruciating pain but now that your body has accepted life is pain it can respond to his ministration. From the other side, Gamzee rubs your belly. You are on the road to hardville when again you don't want to be.

"Look how he hunger for cocks," the Demoness gloats.

"I'm hungry for someone else's cocks!" you yell though you don't think that's really a good "take that!"

"Liar! You like clown cock best."

"Oh wow!" yells Meulin finally, "I've never seen DP in real life!"

The Demoness taps Meulin on the shoulder and asks, "You want to try?"

"Ummm, no, well, I've thought about it but no."

"It more fun to watch."

So while the Demoness and Meulin talk you continue to get double fucked by Gamzee and Kurloz. There's just too many sensation. Your rectum is at maximum capacity and your belly is being rubbed and your dick is being stroked and oh god Gamzee is now nibbling on your earlobes like you are tender lovers. Why can't you escape all this?

"You like having a double dose of Makara?" Gamzee whispers in your ear.

"No," you whisper back.

"Maybe if you'd taken a hit of one Makara you wouldn't be overdosing now."

"Never. Better this than being a willing clownfucker."

"Like our sweet sister Terezi?"

You are struck silent. Kurloz nods knowingly. He knows Gamzee fucked Terezi. At least the Demoness doesn't seem to have heard and Meulin can't hear.

Gamzee groans long and loud and says, "But this feels so motherfucking wicked, maybe it be the best we didn't fuck ourselves dry in the tent. Feels good pressed all tight against my real lover."

Kurloz sits himself up while still thrusting into you and he kisses Gamzee over your head. They're making a big show of it. You can hear the sickening sounds of lip smacking and moaning.

Gamzee pulls away from his cousin and adoptive father.

"You gonna come?" he asks.

Kurloz makes some affirmative response.

"Let's come up altogether in this bitch. One big load."

Oh god no. You are not a bitch to be come up altogether. But what can you do? The two quicken their pace to unbearable. You are going to die! They will blast you off! Please, why won't it stop?

Two cocks twitch inside you and these two destined soulmates are coming at the same time in you and why must this romantic shit happen over your body.

Kurloz collapses back on the floor. Gamzee pulls his limp cock out of you but you still have one limp cock in you. Gamzee lifts you off that cock.

Everything is such a mess. You are dripping and still stretched out. The worst thing is you are half hard.

Meulin takes you to the bathroom and quickly showers off the Crisco and cum and blood. How could she simply watch what was going on?

Gamzee and Kurloz quickly shower next, then it is lunchtime. You do not eat.

They put the tarp out and hold you down yet again. You let them. Just think of tattoo removal.

"Don't worry!" says Meulin, "This is the last session!"

"What does it say?" you ask but Meulin can't read your lips and the others don't care to listen.

Kurloz takes off the bandages and wipes down your chest with burning alcohol. He takes that hot needle and pierces you. You are used to the pain but you are mad with worry over what the hell they are tattooing on you. It's an insult, isn't it?

Are they going to keep you here until your tattoo heals? Maybe they'll take you on a traveling road show and display you to all their juggalo friends. You could be a freak show act for those bigger freaks. That would go with their carnival theme. It would give you more chances to escape. However, you know in the end they plan on "sacrificing" you. When will they do that?

Kurloz finishes the gaudy pink ink and takes out some white ink. He pokes seemingly random dots in your skin. You guess those are glitters.

After however long, he finishes and you are completely finished. He wipes you down with alcohol.

"See? You're finished!" yells Meulin.

"But what does it fucking say?"

Kurloz nods to Meulin and Gamzee. They lift you up. You are taken to the master bedroom and you expect yet more rape. But the focus is on the full-length mirror there. You hadn't noticed it before since it was turned the other way. You would have expected a narcissist like Kurloz to have it ready during sex like Patrick Bateman in American Psycho but you guess that isn't one of his many fetishes.

So you see yourself in full view for the first time in forever. Your face is leathery from the grease thrown on it. Your thigh and arm have cigarette burns. But the focus of attention is the long tattoo on your chest. It's shiny and red. Even in this view, you can't understand it.

"What does it say?" you ask weakly.


"Yeah, but what the hell does that mean? I never claimed to be a false messiah! Is this the past life bullshit?"


"Your cult is pretty easy to figure out."

"Does it all motherfucking matter?" asks Gamzee.

"Maybe it hurt more if he know," says the Demoness.


"Past lives don't matter, you woo-woo bigot! It doesn't matter if I was Space Roma. I hope you know I think this entire thing is rid-fucking-diculous."

Kurloz strikes you on the back of the head.

"Hey!" Gamzee yells.

"Yeah, hey, that won't wipe out my memory of your tired old cult lore."

"And whining no take off tattoo," the Demoness says.

"Why waste all this effort tattooing me in a language nobody speaks? It's going to be wasted when you kill me!"


"Oh god."

"Oh Messiahs," the Demoness says.

"What's going on?" Meulin asks.

Kurloz signs a long description of the conversation. You wish you knew how accurate it was.

"This is a holy meowment," she says.

"We should celebrate," the Demoness says, "We all should fuck Karkat. Meulin has not fucked it."

"Me?" asks Meulin, "But I'm not at-cat-ted to it."

"Neither am I, but fun to make it suffer."

Kurloz signs.

"You think I should use it?" asks Meulin.

Kurloz nods.

Meulin says brightly, "Then I'll do it!"

Gamzee says, "You ain't gonna regret it!"

That's all it takes? She's going to rape you?

Kurloz throws you on the bed. You'll be raped in style and comfort on this bed. Meulin starts getting undressed.

"Wow," she says, "It's funny having everyone watch!"

She doesn't shoo them out though.

Meulin is fat like you, but she doesn't have big breasts. Her skin is light brown. She's blushing and a little shy. She's a polar opposite of the Demoness. Yet both women have the honor of raping you.

As annoying as Meulin is, in better circumstances you'd have sex with her. If you were doing Fuck Marry Kill you'd fuck Meulin and kill the Demoness and you don't know who you'd marry. You'd marry anyone who rescued you.

Meulin finishes getting out of her cutesy cat underwear. Her bush is heavy like Gamzee's and not like Kurloz and the Demoness.  

"What first?" she asks Kurloz.

Kurloz makes a fist and uses his tongue in cheek to complete the gesture.

The Demoness says, "Its penis not bulge out cheek."

"How bout that motherfucking sixty-nine?" Gamzee asks.

"Appropriate number."

Meulin gets on the bed and straddles your head. Her pussy is in your face and you can't see anything but it. Are you really going to call it a pussy when it comes to her? She looks already a little aroused and it hurts you that she's excited by this prospect.

You feel her mouth around your penis. It's time to do your part of this sixty-nine. You can't push away her copious pubic hair so you guess you'll just chock it down. You start licking strips between her lips. It's a terrible half-hearted job but Meulin isn't giving you away.

You are reacting to Meulin's job. The quicker your penis gets into action, the quicker this will be over.

A pubic hair ends up in your mouth. There's nothing you can do. Just keep licking.

Her musky scent is filling your nose. It's not bad but it brings you into the moment and reminds you she's enjoying this. Her weight is heavy on your neck.  

When you are hard enough for government work, Meulin gets off your face and plops down on your penis. Her back is turned away from you. You won't be able to communicate. You won't be able to mouth to her what you really feel.  

"It's not big at all!" Meulin yells and why must everyone point that out?

She starts fucking you. She's not as skilled as the Demoness but she's still making you feel things you don't want to feel. You just want to come immediately but you aren't even close.

You look over at the rest of the Cultists and see they are masturbating. Gamzee and Kurloz have their half-hard dicks out and the Demoness has her hand down her panties. You are a show to them. You turn away but you can hear the Demoness and Gamzee making noise.

You look up at Meulin instead. She has a few tattoos of those grey demons (or are they aliens?) on her back but not as elaborate yet as Gamzee and Kurloz.

Your sight of the tattoos is ruined when the Demoness sits on your face. She is definitely aroused.

"Tongue fuck me, bitch-chan," she says.

You put your tongue in her vagina and she starts humping your head as if your tongue were a dick.

"No pull out," she says.

Your neck aches already. Your head was not meant to be treated this way.

The situation gets worse when your legs are pulled up and feel something at your backdoor. A third person is going to use your body! Who is it? Kurloz and Gamzee are both the same size. The enormous head presses in and you hate how your body is used to this incredible insertion. Your own penis softens a little at the pain but not enough for Meulin to stop humping you.

"Oh, fuck, Karkat," Gamzee moans and that answers that question.

So these three Cultists are raping you. You don't want another double penetration! But instead, Kurloz fucks Gamzee. That just means more force on the thrusting. Their combined weight is pressing into you. Meulin's weight is pressing on your crotch. The Demoness's small but enthusiastic weight is pushing down on your neck. You can barely breath. You are trapped under this mass of humanity and you want to claw your way out. Yet your arms are under you.

And there's such noise from everyone but Kurloz. It's like a competition. You want them all to be silent. Remove all their voiceboxes. Give them all cancer.

You feel Meulin throb around you and you know she's having an orgasm. Despite it all, she's having an orgasm. She gets off your half hard cock. The rest still go at it.

A hand briefly touches your cock before stopping. Whose hand was it? You don't know.

"Fuck, Karkat, so fucking sweet of you to help us all out!" Gamzee yells.

"No talk to bitch," the Demoness says.

"I'm just so - fuck - just so -"

And then Gamzee comes deep inside you. He doesn't pull out. He just stands there with his cock still invading your sore rectum.

Kurloz comes next. The Makaras back off you. The Demoness gets off your face.

And so it is over. You've been taken by everyone, even dear sweet Meulin.

They lock you in that awful wardrobe again. You hear the shower run but not much else.  

Eventually, it is Meulin that opens the door. She gives you a water bottle to drink.  

"You can come join us in the living room!" she yells.

You mutter, "Why would I want to join your cult anywhere ever again?"

She cocks her head. "Sorry, could you lift your head and speak?"

You lift your head. "I don't want to speak to you."

"But I've been nice to you! I even gave you water!"

"You raped me."

"Well, I can't read what you said, but you're coming out anyway!"

She pulls you out into the living room. The Cultists seem to have finished dinner. Gamzee looks briefly happy to see you before turning away. The Demoness looks disgusted. Kurloz's face is unfathomable again.

The Cultists spend the evening playing Super Smash Bros on the Playstation 3. You sit around like a pet. As each Cultists plays a classic video game character, you think of GameBro. He wasn’t just a YouTube celebrity. He was a real person. He was Sollux’s cousin and that monster Kurloz’s friend. You know you saw him die for real. How many people have seen that video anyway? Who was the bro GameBro was talking too? Thoughts like this keep your mind off the pain.  

At the end of the night, Meulin stands up and says, "I'm sooo glad we can all be furriends!" She gives a pointed look at you. "Well, I'm glad that meowst of us can all be furriends. It's a shame this week is soon over!"

"Soon over?!" you ask.

Kurloz bops you on the head. Gamzee growls but says nothing.

Meulin and Kurloz go off into the master bedroom. Yet the sheets still haven't been washed.   

That night, you are alone in the second bedroom with Gamzee. The Demoness has buggered off somewhere.

"Tonight, you hopping along to the bed instead of the floor. We sleeping together," he says as he strips down to his boxers.

"I thought that was illegal."

He chuckles. "I mean we literally sleeping together."

"Isn't that still illegal? Aren't you supposed to hate me? Think my blood is inferior?"

"It do be inferior and you are all kinds of awful."

"So why cuddle with me?"

"I ain't gonna let you being motherfucking you get in the way of my enjoyment of you. I can't sleep without holding a motherfucker."

"You really only want to cuddle?"

"You really wanna sleep on the floor?"

You sigh and roll your eyes. "Fine, let's cuddle."

You crawl up on to the bed with Gamzee's help.

"Yup," he says, "Get up against the wall, don't want a motherfucker to roll away."

You lie on your side with your nose facing the wall.

Gamzee goes off and turns off the lights before returning to the bed. He wraps his arms around you and already you feel claustrophobic. You want to chew your arm off to escape like an animal in one of the traps around this murder island.  

"Now ain't this motherfucking pleasant?" he asks.


"Yeah, it is. You know, I ain't knowing how much I needed cuddling until I met all my friends. Tavros and I used to cuddle all the time - though it ain't like we could do much else. Then he left me and Kurloz came cuddling and more! Damn, we do all them motherfucking more. But sometimes just cuddling hits the spot."

"Only when it's cuddling with someone you love."

"Sometimes you gotta take love where you can find it."

You are silent. The room is silent. Unfortunately, Gamzee doesn't remain silent very long.

"The only problem be you be so motherfucking hot. Room’s already damn near hell in this summer heat without your fat little body."

"Thanks a lot."

"If only you was full of holes. Poke a bunch of holes in you, take all that motherfucking shit and stuffing out of your ribs, I'd have one of those motherfucking dutch wives from the East Indies."


"Too bad it's only your soul that be hollow. Your awful fucking unclean mutant soul. Ruining everything around you."

You say nothing.

He sweetens back up. "But soon your soul will leave this cute little body."

"What are you going to do to me after I die?"

"You ain't gonna be around to see."

A long moment passes. Gamzee's breathing slows until he's asleep. You can't sleep. You want to thrash like a fish without air. But you must stay still.

A light goes on.

"Gay," declares the Demoness.

"You gay," mumbles Gamzee.

You can't see the Demoness, just the wall. After a moment, the light goes off again.

"Ignore the thot," Gamzee mumbles as he falls asleep again.

Eventually, you fall asleep too.    


Chapter Text

You are in a room with no walls but with ankle-deep water on the floor. Ahead of you in what might be called the middle of the room is a human encased in wires. You walk several feet until you are closer to them. Their yellow mop of hair goes up and you see they're Mituna Captor. His face is intact, looking just like it did on YouTube.

"Sup, bro," he says weakly.

"Sup," you answer back awkwardly.

"Sorry you have to see me like this. I know you used to jack off to me."

"How do you know that?"

He chuckles. "Sorry, hacked your laptop cam. But pretty much all my subscribers rubbed one out so I can't fault you."

"Do I save you now?"

"Can't save me anymore, sorry."

Even as he says that, you try to force the thick purple wires open with your bare hands.

"There must be some fucking way of saving you!" you yell between grunting., "I wouldn't be sent here just to gape uselessly!"

"Like I said, sorry, you can't save me."

"Stop saying 'thorry'! I want to do something for you! Nobody is saving my ass but I can sure as hell save yours!"

"You can't!"


"Kiss me."

You stop pulling at the wires.


"You know you want to do it."

You turn your eyes from the wires to look at him. He's so handsome, like he could be in a kpop boy band, though his teeth are a little odd.

"Kiss me!" he yells.


"I know you're not him but you're close." Is his face looking a little gray?

"Not who?"

He says a name in a strange language.

glowing alien text

"Who the fuck is that?"

"My best friend. The best, wisest, sexiest person in paradox space."

"That doesn't answer my fucking question!"

"Just kiss me already, bro."

You give up and lean in. You kiss him. He tastes like Mountain Dew Code Red, which is what you always expected he'd taste like.

"Come on, you can always slip me the tongue," he says, though you don't know how he can talk with his lips on yours.

You slip your tongue into his open mouth and he sucks on it, which feels pretty good, you can get into this, when his teeth come down on your tongue and there's hot iron fluid gushing in your mouth and dripping down your chin! You pull away only to see Mituna looks like a demon from one of those tattoos but he has red and blue eyes. He spits out a red piece of flesh and it's your tongue! Your tongue isn't in your mouth anymore! You're chocking on blood!

"I love you!" he yells.

You can't yell anything back.

So you wake up.

Gamzee is not in bed with you so you roll over. Your other roommate is getting ready for the morning. She isn't wearing her eerie green contact lenses. Her face isn't made up to show her sharp cheekbones. Her long black hair is down. She doesn't look like the Demoness. She's someone familiar.

"You're Damara Megido, right?" you ask hoarsely., "I've met you."

She gives you a wide-eyed look that says it all.

You continue, "Yeah, you're Aradia's cousin! You used to hang all over Tavros's hot cousin. You got thrown out of school for, what was it, trying to stab him with a screwdriver? But you were this quiet and modest little mousy girl and holy fuck have you changed."

"Shut up."

"It's just I can't BELIEVE I've been kidnapped by Gamzee's cousin, Nepeta's cousin, and Aradia's cousin!" You start laughing. "There's cousins everywhere and not even third or fourth cousins. You're all first cousins!" You laugh harder. "And Sollux's first fucking cousin was murdered! By Gamzee's cousin!" You're sob-laughing by this point. "And I was raped by Aradia's shy, modest cousin and she drove burning cigarettes into me! I'm surrounded by cousins!"

"Why the fuck you laughing?!"

"It's just so preposterous! Everyone's cousins! How does that coincidence even happen?"

" Baka ! You still think this coincidence?"

"And why do you speak Japanese when you're Cantonese? Fucking ridiculous! This is a fucking ridiculous story! When will it end?!"

She start slapping your face.

"Shut up!"

Your laughter soon turns to sobs. She slaps the sobs out of you too. You grow quiet.

She turns around and takes off her nightshirt. Your heart jumps thinking she plans on doing something with you when you see the tattoo on her back. Instead of the elaborate album cover art the Makaras favor, she has a quote in a maroon cursive: My beloved is mine and I am his - Song of Solomon 2:16 . You stifle a laugh at the incongruity. She turns and shoots you an angry look but says nothing more.     

Damara goes about her morning routine. She puts on her makeup, puts in her contact lens, and puts up her hair. Transformation into the Demoness complete, she takes you to the bathroom and watches you pee. It is humiliating and pointless, given that the coin isn't there anymore.

She takes you out into the main room. You are left in your normal place while the Cultists have breakfast. At the end of breakfast, Kurloz clinks his mug and stands up. He clasps his hands together and then points to Gamzee, Meulin, and the Demoness in turn.

The Demoness says, "Good, you finally acknowledge me."

Kurloz makes more signs.

"Ungrateful wench?" she cries, "I am the one who made you! I save you! I teach you messiahs! Wǒ jiào nǐ rúhé zuò'ài !"

Kurloz picks up the electrolarynx and speaks.


She points at his crotch. " Ōkina nikudaga sore o tsukau koto wa dekinai. "

Meulin yells, "Oh my god! Yes he can, Dee!"

The Demoness goes off to the bunk bedroom.

"Maybe we can get some motherfucking peace now," Gamzee says.

However, soon the sound of music comes out of the bunk bedroom. The Demoness comes out holding up an iPod attached to a mini-stereo. Where has she been keeping that?

"Listen to this!" she yells.

All but Meulin listen as a rapper starts to lay down the rhythms.

"All around me what I hear is noise,

every motherfucker it destroys..."

The rapper sounds a little like Gamzee, but even Gamzee's voice is not that high-pitched.

"What are you playing, Dee?" Meulin asks.

"The demo tape of DJ Rage," the Demoness answers.

"DJ Rage? Purrloz, isn't that your old handle?"

Kurloz nods, his fists clenched tight.

Gamzee asks the Demoness, "Are you trying to shame a brother? Cause these sick rhythms ain't anything to be ashamed of."

"Sick is right," the Demoness says.

"But another matter be these fags,

they make me all want to gag,

from the back of my truck I'll drag..."

"Holy motherfucking shit," Gamzee says.

"Gamzee, what is it?" Meulin asks.

Kurloz is frantically signing something.

You take the confusion as a chance to escape to the laundry room.

You are about to crawl on the floor looking for a hiding spot when it occurs to you that these are pay machines. What would be the most hilarious place to put your fucking heirloom? In a coin slot. You check the coin slot of the washer. Nothing there. But it is in the coin slot of the dryer. You finally have the coin back in your cuffed hands.

There's only one way to carry this heirloom coin and that's inside your body. You can't put it up your rectum since that's being used once or twice a day so it will have to go in the other end. The damn thing is the size of a quarter but toddlers accidentally swallow quarters all the time. You've been holding your spit in your mouth in preparation for this moment. You put the gold coin in your mouth and it tastes like your hand sweat. You swallow. Then try to swallow again since your body refused the first time. Remember, dumb babies can do this. You just have to be a dumb baby. You swallow for real and the foreign object rolls down your throat and for a second you think you'll choke but your throat muscles pull through for you. You can still feel the stretch from the coin but you know it is safely in your stomach. Unless your stomach dissolves gold. No, gold doesn't dissolve like that. If only you could Google that. You just have to keep the coin in your stomach and then keep it in your colon. Just trust your body not to expel it before it’s time. If it does, you'll be forced to swallow it again. You might not be the best Roma out there, frankly you're a gorger, but you will do anything to save this piece of heritage even if it becomes a piece of shit.

You leave the laundry room to rejoin the Cultists. Kurloz is patting Gamzee's back. The Demoness is smoking a cigarette. Meulin is cleaning up from breakfast.

"Yeah, I know 2009 be a different time but..." you hear Gamzee say.

You go back in place, ignored by all. The Demoness notices you first.

"It is up to something," she says.

The Makaras gets up from their chairs and starts to descend on you.

You yell, "You know what Kurloz did?! He broke your stupid rule and fucked me alone without you to do the buddy cop thing!"

Gamzee turns to Kurloz. "You motherfucking up and did that?"

The Demoness says, "He did."

Kurloz shoots her a look.

" Neko already out of bag."

"What's going on?" Meulin asks.

"Our Kurloz be breaking the rules."

Kurloz signs frantically.

"You make the rules? Maybe I'm feed up and tired of you making all them motherfucking rules!" Gamzee yells, "You may be our mission leader but when it comes to boyfriending we supposed to be equal!"

Kurloz signs with a look of exasperation.

"What I be wanting? Just to be able to fuck like you."

Kurloz points at Meulin.

"Huh?" she goes.

Kurloz makes some lewd gestures.

Meulin says, "Me and him? Together?"

Kurloz nods.


Gamzee asks, "Why ewww?"

"Oh, I'm so sorry, but it's just weird!"

"Don't actually solve no problem neither. It's Karkat I want to fuck."

Kurloz sighs and then makes more gestures. Meulin and Gamzee bob their heads.

"I guess that would make shit all evening stevening," Gamzee says.

"If it will help the Family, I will," Meulin says.

Kurloz nods and points them to the master bedroom. Gamzee and Meulin go in, not touching each other but apparently planning to fuck. Their mutual boyfriend goes to the couch and turns on the television.

This is the weirdest situation. Kurloz is setting out to cuck himself for what?  

Nothing much happens for awhile. A shopping show plays. Then Meulin starts moaning. You look up at Kurloz and he has a blank look. You look at the Demoness and she has a smug smile.

"She have fun," she says.

Kurloz doesn't respond. He continue watches the television.

But the moaning doesn't go away. It grows louder.

The Demoness says, "She also like to keep it in family."

Kurloz signs at her.

"Yes," Damara replies, "We all know justification. We all cousins. Gamzee and Meulin are cousins."

Kurloz nods.

"You have no family love. You just want to control them. How that work for you now?"

Kurloz flips her the bird. She flips it back.

In the next room, Meulin yells "OH MY GOD!"

"He good for okame ."

Kurloz doesn't argue whether Gamzee is an okame or not, whatever that is.

"Is she faking now or with you?"

Meulin yells, "PURRLOZ, YOU'RE SO BIG!"

Kurloz can finally look smug.

"So what?" asks the Demoness, "She still fucking lesser Makara. Maybe can replace you with better personality and same dick."

Kurloz signs with a quizzical look.

"Still hate Gamzee. But he have better personality."

Finally, Kurloz gets up and goes to the bedroom. It must take him a long time to sign what a bad idea this is. No, the moaning is starting again. They're having a fucking threesome.

The Demoness sneers. "Horny boys. Doing that to Meulin."

"Jealous?" you ask despite yourself.

The Demoness goes over and you try to get away but she puts out her cigarette on your arm. Another mark is seared into you. She looks at her cigarette butt sadly.

"Much left," she says.

She soon has another one in her mouth, which she puffs angrily.   

Eventually, the twisted threesome ends. The cousins and Meulin leave the bedroom, now dressed but with messed-up makeup. The Demoness retreats to the bunk bedroom in a huff.

Kurloz signs to Meulin and Gamzee.

"Business?" asks Gamzee, "I'll join you."

Meulin yells, "I'll watch the sacrifice!"

Kurloz and Gamzee leave. Now you are alone with Meulin. She fetches you a bottle of water.

"Drink up!" she yells.

"Only because I'm thirsty," you say.

You down the entire bottle.

"Are you still angry at me?" she asks.

"Of course! Why wouldn't I be angry? You kidnapped, raped, and abused me!"

She whispers in your ear, "But now I'm here to help."

"What do you mean, help? Give me a few sips of Deer Park? Because that doesn't make up for the-"

She gags your mouth with her hand before whispering in your ear, "Read this."

She takes a note out of her pocket. You read the cutesy green handwriting.  

I will help you. I'll get the sat phone from Dee. I know you aren't actually [alien text]

"Thank you," you say genuinely.

She kisses your burnt cheek before going over to the bunk bedroom. You crawl over near the door to listen.

"Dameowra, it's sooo cool we got this time alone together!" Meulin yells.

You can't hear the Demoness' reply.

"Oh, yeah, I know, you go by Demoness now! I think Dameowra is kawaiier. Anyway, I have loved having you on this trip, almost as much as I love..." Meulin giggles.

There's some shuffling around in there. You wish you knew what was going on. Then, angry feet hit the ground.

"NO!" yells the Demoness, "I WILL NOT BE THE OTHER!"

The door opens and the Demoness marches out of the bedroom and onto the porch. You think she may be crying. Meulin comes out a few seconds later with the satellite phone.

"Sorry about that," Meulin says sheepishly.

She hands you the giant phone. Your hands are cuffed but they can hold it.

"Just don't dial 9-1-1 and you'll be okay," she says.

Your first (incredibly dumb) thought had been to call your building contractor but now that she reminded you you should call 9-1-1. Besides, you don't remember the number of your contractor. Nobody remembers numbers these days. You dial the three number anyone can remember. It's not like Meulin will be able to tell.

"Hello, Nine One One, what is the nature of your emergency?" asks a friendly female voice.

You turn away so Meulin can't read your lips. You whisper too the best you can.

"I've been kidnapped, like by this cult and they say they're going to kill me and it's been almost a week and -"

"What sort of cult?"

"It's this juggalo cult and I know that sounds crazy but-"

"I'll transfer you to our special task force."

There's a beep and then some ringing anew. Your heart is in your throat for those few seconds.

"What are you talking about? Who are you calling?" Meulin asks.

Your call is picked up by the special task force. A familiar husky female voice answers.

"Hello, Cult Task Force, what is the nature of your emergency?"



"Are you Terezi Pyrope?"

"Yeah, Terezi Pyrope is m-me."

"Oh God, you became a police officer. That's what you've been up to. This is fucking serendipity."

"Pretty miraculous."

"God, I think I believe in miracles now! Terezi, I love you!"


"Terezi, I love you and I've always loved you!"

"What is the nature of your emergency?"

"I've been kidnapped by Gamzee and yes I forgive you for sleeping with him! But anyway Gamzee is a fucking monster and so is his cousin and Aradia's cousin but not Nepeta's cousin! She's saving me!"

"We'll send the police right over."

"Oh thank you! Tell them I don't care if they shoot Gamzee or Kurloz or Damara, just don't shoot Meulin!"

"I'll tell them that."

"Wait, don't you need my location?"

"Uh, we can trace the phone."

"Good, and I love you, Terezi!"

Terezi chokes up. "Love you too, cherry bomb."

She hangs up.

You say to Meulin, "We're going to be saved!"

Meulin however doesn't look over-joyed. "Who did you call?"

"It doesn't matter! We're saved!"

She snatches the phone from you. "You better not have called 9-1-1," she says as she goes into the bunk bedroom.

The Demoness comes back in.

"What going on?" she asks.

"What's going on? The fucking police are coming to kill your evil ass and save mine!"

" Baka . Why you tell us? We could kill you now."

"But you'll still get yours in the end!"

"How you call police anyway?"

"I won't tell!"

But Meulin comes out of the bunk bedroom and the Demoness gives a rare wide-eyed look that seems to say she knows.

"I see," she says when she calms down.

She sits down at the kitchen bar.

"What the fuck are you doing?" you ask.

"Watching show."

"What show?"

"The You Getting Saved Show."

Gamzee enters with a smug look on his face. He won't have it for long.

"Gamzee, you goddamn shitstain, it's over!" you yell.

"Oh no, did someone light a..." His voice goes up a couple octaves as he holds up a cell phone. "...cherry bomb?"

Something finally clicks in your mind. "There's no special task force."

"And I ain't that blind bitch you love."

"Why did you pretend to be Terezi?" you ask.

"I only pretended to be a police officer." He chuckles. "It your weak love-obsessed mind that created up Terezi."

The Demoness asks, "Why so proud you sound like girl?"

"Stop sounding like anything, you smoke-harsh bitch," Gamzee says to the Demoness.

You ask, "But why did 9-1-1 transfer to you?"

The Demoness says, "Because we own police."

Your world crumbles away. All cops truly are bastards. You mutter, "Oh my god."

"Oh our messiahs," the Demoness retorts.

Kurloz enters the cabin with his electrolarynx.


You keep yourself from looking at Meulin, but she's probably scared. However, it's the Demoness that speaks.

"I think it funny if it calls 911," she says and then smiles evilly. "It funny."

Kurloz marches towards her.


"Yes. I clowned. What you going to do?"

He lifts his right arm as if he's going to strike her but then drops it and sighs.


Meulin deflates the mood by yelling, "Lunch time! I'll make the sandwiches!"

She goes and does that.

Gamzee asks the Demoness, "You been crying?"

She snaps back, "None of your business," before going to the bunk bedroom. She soon comes back with her makeup fixed.

After lunch, the Demoness asks, "Is area prepared?"

The Makaras nod.

"Yes, of course it be ready," Gamzee says.

Kurloz makes some defiant signs.

The Demoness goes into the bunk bedroom and takes out a canvas shoulder bag.

"Let's go," she says.

She pulls your arm and you stand up uneasily. She leads you out the door. The bright light outside is blinding. You must walk barefoot on the ground. The Cultists take you to a clearing around the side of the cabin. There's a huge pole there and not much else. The Demoness positions you against the pole and takes off your chest bandages. You wonder if this is it and your heart leaps out of your inflammed chest. However, instead of taking out a weapon, the Demoness takes out a camera from her bag.  

" Hai hai, yattenokeru! Anata wa utsukushī moderudesu !" she yells in her energetic parody of a fashion photographer.  

The other Cultists stand around watching her approvingly.

Gamzee asks, "So when Hank be coming?"

You look to Kurloz. He doesn't seem to have an answer ready.

The Demoness says, "You no ask questions, aonisai . It not your place."

Kurloz finally answers.

"Oh," says Gamzee, "He be busy. Sorry, I ain't knowing. Shoulda kept my big mouth shut."

" Hai. "

After a couple more pictures, the Demoness says, "Everything look good. This time of day work. Tomorrow."

Tomorrow? You have twenty-four hours to escape. Or twenty-four hours to live.

Kurloz and Gamzee take the lead in going back to the cabin. Meulin signs something at the Demoness while the Makaras' backs are turned.

The Demoness says, "It make sense in the end."

The two women help you get back into the cabin. Inside, the Makaras are arguing.

"I do love you, cousin!" Gamzee yells, "I just need this, you hear?"

Kurloz signs something back but Gamzee is "talking" over him.

"I ain't caring if he needs it back! I know you need me already!"

Meulin yells over that noise, "I'm just going to wash off the ritual object's feet!"

She takes you into the bathroom. She has you sit on the toilet while she wipes your feet with a washcloth.

You tap her shoulder and mouth, "Thank you."

"No purrblem!" she replies, "Don't want you tracking dirt everywhere!"

You try again. "No, for the phone."

She turns the shower on and then speaks. "I was wrong! Whether you are the Signless or not, this sacrifice is a good thing! That's why the escape didn't work!"

"What? No, you got to help me escape again or -"

She turns off the shower and you are afraid to yell over it.

"I'm finished!" she yells.

She takes you out into the main room just as Kurloz is stomping out. Meulin follows him, leaving you on the floor. The Demoness doesn't seem to be around. It's just you and Gamzee. He kneels down next to you.

"We don't need any of those bitches. We got each other for loving."   

"But I don't love -"

Then he kisses you. You try to pull away but you can't. Then you feel wetness on your cheeks. Gamzee is crying.

He pulls away only to lift you up and throw you over his shoulder. Opening the door to the master bedroom, he goes in and dumps you on the bed. You roll over to see him lock the door and begin rapidly undressing.

"You can't do this!" you yell.

"I ain't caring what Kurloz says, I need this motherfucker one last time!" he yells back.

"I don't care about your dumb sharing rule, I mean don't fucking rape me!"

"Only if you think you fucking me in the ass be rape."

"It is rape if I don't want to and I DON'T WANT TO!"

Gamzee shrugs."Then rape it be."

He's naked and already he's starting to harden. He pushes you down on the bed and lies between your thighs.

"Just imagine Terecita," he says.

"No way," you say.

"Don't tell me you turned on her so fast."

"I'm not going to imagine anyone you suggest."

"It'll go all easier if you do."

"It'll never go easier no matter what I - oh god."

Gamzee has started sucking your dick. It does feel good. Despite it all, you feel yourself harden.

You stare up at the ceiling and wonder if it would be better to imagine Terezi here. It was a beautiful moment when you thought you were going to reunite with her. You really do love her after all these years. If you get out of here, you'll tell her that. You should try to think of a new escape plan but it's hard to think when your dick's getting sucked to full hardness.

Gamzee's mouth pops off your dick.

"Fucking perfect," he says, "Got your dick nice and wet. Now get on them knees and fuck."

"Without lube?" you ask.

"Your dick's slick and small and my ass can take it."

"Not that small," you mutter. You don't care if he feels pain.

You get up on your knees uneasily. He gets on all-fours and guides you into his entrance. You do fit though it's tight. Gamzee groans like your dick is the best thing in the world. You're sucked into his body.

"Oh god, having you all fucking inside me finally," he says, "Fucking miracle here."

The sensation around your dick does feel good though everywhere else is rotten.

"Ain't you gonna fuck me?" Gamzee asks.

You feel loathed taking an active part in what is still your rape. Yet you want to move. You awkwardly thrust into him.

"You happy?" you ask bitterly.

"I want you to be happy. Think of Terezi."

"Yeah, I'd rather think of her picking her nose than you doing the sexiest striptease in the world."

"Call me Terezi."

You stop. "What?"

"Motherfucking call me Terezi! Call me Terezi!"

"Okay, Terezi!"

"Fuck your little blind bitch Terezi motherfucking Pyrope."

You start thrusting again as you think what the fuck. Just close your eyes. Think about Terezi. She feels good. You are finally reunited. You truly forgive her for everything. You had your problems but she was always your soulmate. Think of how beautiful her face is. Close your eyes so you're blind like her.

"Karkat, I always loved you, sorry I fucked Gamzee, couldn't resist his big clown dick," she or someone like her says.

"I forgive you."

"Come inside me, big boy, I'm on that motherfucking birth control pill."

You sob. "Terezi, I want to give you a baby. I want to be a father. I don't want to be alone."

"Just fuck me. We ain't alone."

Someone bangs on the door.

"Kurloz, shut the fuck up!" Gamzee yells.

You open your eyes and see that awful back tattoo laid out in front of you. All those demons are familiar. Is that the Fish Lady Gamzee saw in his drug trip?

Gamzee yells, "Don't stop!"

You go back to banging Gamzee as the door bangs. You just want this to be over and finally come after being denied so many times by these sadists. Just think about Terezi and not anything else.

With a strangled wretched cry, you come inside Gamzee. He better hope he's on the pill.

Gamzee pulls himself off your cock. You open your eyes and are disgusted to see how much cum there is. You should only have that much with someone you love. You want it all back inside your body.

Gamzee turns around and kisses you again. He doesn't stop with all the banging. You feel like you can't breath.

Finally, Gamzee turns his head away and towards the door.

"Okay, I'm finished, you impatient motherfuckers!"

He gets up and puts his pants on over his half-hard dick. He unlocks and opens the door to Kurloz. Kurloz makes a snipping gesture.

"Yeah," replies Gamzee, "You can up and do that now."


But Kurloz and the Demoness come and drag you out before Gamzee can answer.

They take you to the bathroom. You are uncuffed briefly only to be chained to the shower head.

"Are you going to give me a shower?" you ask. "Why the fuck do you need two people?"

"Elder Makara and I find something we enjoy doing together," says the Demoness.

They start undressing.

"Oh fuck," you say, "not fucking again! Can't I go ten seconds without you perverts -"

"You have hentai mind," she snaps. "We only not want to be dirty."


"Lots of spray."

"Spray from what?"

She doesn't answer. Instead, she takes out a small case out of the cabinet. Inside it is a needle and vial. He taps her shoulder and she turns. He signs something.

"No," she answers. "It hurt more when not hurt."

"What hurts?!" you ask.

She kneels back down and puts a finger on your lip.


She prepares the hypodermic needle. You feel like the contents of the vial should be the color of her eyes but it's just clear. The needle isn't horrifically big like a rabies needle but it's still too big. She injects it so close to your dick and oh god there's a drop of blood.

"What did you inject in me?"

She puts a finger to your lip again.


You wait but they don't let you go. Then that fucking Demoness pinches your dick and ow! No wait, no ow. You don't feel anything.

"You in pain?" she asks.


She nods and lets go of your dick. She goes to the cabinet and takes something out. When she kneels down, you see it's an X-Acto knife. You know what is happening. Your heart beats madly and you try vainly throw your body away from the knife but you are trapped in this tiny stall. For good measure, Kurloz comes over and grabs your legs.

"No no no no NOOOOO!" you scream, "Don't do it! Please! I'll be good! I can pleasure you!"

"Little chinchin not good at pleasure," the Demoness says as she pinches your dick again, "I cut better chinchin than this."

She opens up the knife and presses it against your dick and you can't feel anything but you can see the blood, the massive amount of blood, and you can't stop screaming. Your dick might not hurt but your throat does. She is sawing away at the flesh. You close your eyes but you can still smell the blood and hear the Demoness chuckling. After some time, you hear the sound of a lighter and then the smell of burning flesh but no sensation. You know you are being burnt. You could vomit if you weren't afraid you'd vomit up the coin.   

" Yokatta ," she says.

You look down to see a great wound with a little stub where your penis once was and your scrotum gone. You throw up a little in your mouth but you don't fully expel the contents of your stomach. Must keep that fucking coin down. You don't know how you'll pee but at least you know not to vomit.

She wraps you up in a crude diaper made of bandages, though you know she doesn't really care if you get infected. She and Kurloz end up dressed without you really noticing them getting dressed. Next thing you know, you are being carried out of the bathroom.

"It be done?" Gamzee asks.

The Demoness answers, "Yes, practice makes perfect."

"Oh god, it's gone!" he yells. "I gonna miss it!"

"Miss it," you mutter, " you'll miss it."

He kisses your bloody bandage and then runs off out of the cabin.

The Demoness says, "I no cry like that for Rufioh."

It occurs to you that you haven't heard anything about Tavros' hot cousin in a long time.

The local anesthesia wears off as you sit in your crude diaper on the floor. The pain is so immense everywhere it's like constant static in your head. You just keep thinking about how you aren't a man anymore. You should think of new plans to escape. After all, the lucky coin is in your stomach.

Does it even matter now that you can't have children to pass the coin on to? How will you face Terezi again? You aren't a man anymore. You aren't anything. You are the ritual object. Getting a tattoo removed is easy compared to the miracle of making a new penis and testicles from nothing. You'll need the most expensive reconstructive what are they called you are in too much pain to care! Please, you want to be a man!

The afternoon passes you by somehow. Soon, the living room turns as red as your wounds.

Tonight's dinner is sloppy joes. Hurray for sloppy joes night, am I right? However, everyone seems on edge and exhausted. You sure are.

After dinner, to probably everyone's surprise, Kurloz puts a huge plate of sloppy joe meat in front of you. Your mouth is watering but you don't eat. He points at it but you are still afraid. So he takes out his electrolarynx.


You bow your head and start chowing down like a dog on the lukewarm sloppy joe meat before thirty seconds past. The taste of the sauce is so overwhelmingly sweet and spicey after a diet of nothing but you ignore it. Just keep pushing it in your mouth.

"Damn, look at the ritual object go," says Gamzee.

" Tomaranai ," says the Demoness.

"Ughhh," Meulin moans, "Stop it!"

You continue going despite it all. Suddenly, your stomach seizes up. You can't eat all this. You can't eat anything. Your stomach rebels against you and spills its contents all over the plate. The Cultists sans Kurloz all groan in horror and disgust. You don't feel disgust, only horror that you've lost the coin after all that effort.

Yet, is anyone looking through your vomit to know the coin is there? You see a glint and know your only choice is to eat the source again before anyone notices. So you start eating the bittersweet bile mixture.

"It's like my cat Castiel," Meulin says and you hate yourself even more.

However, before you can get to the coin, a hand comes and grabs it. You look up to see Kurloz with your great-grandmother's treasure in his grubby hands. You are speechless but the other Cultists are groaning in disgust. He goes to the sink, washes off the coin, and to probably everyone's shock, swallows the coin with a huge gulp of beer.

He looks straight at you.


He stomps over and starts hitting you over the head.

Gamzee yells, "Hey, I told you a million motherfucking times not to hit the ritual object ‘bout the head! You was at your Aunt Susan's funeral! You know how she motherfucking died!"

Kurloz stops hitting you and starts signing towards Gamzee.

"The hell you mean, my old man killed her? She done tripped on the coffee table."

Kurloz sighs and signs more.

"Not an accident? What you motherfucking mean? The police done research, they know it an accident. Everyone know it an accident."

Kurloz signs some explanation.

"You mean all the fam - the human fam I mean - been talking bout what a piece of shit my old man was behind my motherfucking back?"

The Demoness says, "And the alien fam talk too."

"Shut up," Gamzee says through tears. "Shut the fuck up, all family."

You yell, "I always thought too that your father killed your mother and I never said anything because you were my friend but guess what? You're not!"

Gamzee looks over at you. "You was thinking about how my mother's death happen but you ain't think about your own parents’ death, you naive motherfucker."

"What do you mean, my parents' death? They died in a car crash."

Kurloz makes distressed noises but Gamzee ignores him.

"The car was rigged to crash. The Family killed your family, dumbass."

Kurloz throws up his hands.

Tears roll down your cheeks. "Why?"

"So you'd be all by your lonesome in this cruel world."

Meulin asks, "What did Gamzee say?"

"Hey," you yell, "maybe the Cult killed your old man too? It's awfully fucking suspicious he died and left you to this molester!"

Gamzee yells, "Who you calling a molester?!"

Meulin asks, "What's going on??"

"Your fucking freaky fake-father is a molester! He groomed you!"

"Nobody groomed me! You don't understand our love!"

"I've seen enough of To Catch a Predator to know that love!"

"I HAVE A HEADACHE!" Meulin screams.

Everyone stops to look at her.

Gamzee asks, "You motherfucking do?"


Kurloz tries to put his arms around her but she bats him off.


The Demoness says, "I care."


"I hate myself then."


"If you know what happened -"


She opens her eyes only to run out of the main room and into the bunk bedroom.

The Demoness sighs. "She too good for us."

Kurloz goes over to the Demoness and signs something.

She replies, "Give twenty-five cents."

Kurloz makes an argument with his hands.

"Now price one dollar."

"Cuz," says Gamzee, "you ain't gonna do it."

Yet Kurloz hands her a dollar bill and she hands him a cigarette. He signs something else.

"Fine," she says, "I help you light it for free."

She takes out a cigarette and lights it, and shares a cigarette "kiss" with Kurloz's stoma. You could vomit if there was anything left.

The two smokers wander outside, leaving you alone with Gamzee. He kneels down to talk to you.  

"Look what you did. Now the clowns can't get along."

"Not my fault."

"Karkat Vantas, you is a Cancer."

"Yeah, I know, and you're a Capricorn."

"No, you ignorant motherfucker, I mean you is a literal tumor in the metaphorical sense."


"You been growing and wiggling and spouting teeth in me since I was twelve years old. Just multiplying your nasty vile-ass cells in me for almost a whole fucking decade. Our friendship just be a disease. The sickness what's been keeping me back from reaching my full fucking wicked potential."

"And this is your full fucking 'wicked' potential?"

"You damn right it is. So this week has been like chemotherapy. I been radiated by the Church. I ain't gonna lie, it's been painful and I'm all sick thinking about it but as weak as I am now I will only get stronger."

"You sound like Kurloz."

"That's cause Kurloz and me are the same. We be the same, only divided by generations. That's how it went down on our former planet. See, there everyone descended from -"

"I don't want to fucking hear about this cult bullshit! Why can't you speak like a normal person?!"

"I ain't normal anymore. Never was."

"Maybe so but you were a good person! Now you've become a monster!"

"A monster’s at least a person. You just a thing."

"A thing?!"

But after that, Gamzee stops talking to you.

Kurloz comes back shortly after that conversation. Gamzee does talk to him.

"I'm gonna get my sleep on with the couch instead of you."

Kurloz makes some angry signs.

"You can sleep with the Demoness or, fucking hell, even the ritual object. Just you ain't sleeping with me tonight."

Kurloz grabs you and takes you into the main bedroom. You expect more rape or possibly even cuddling. However, he throws you into the wardrobe and locks it. You have a feeling you'll be in here all night.

Tomorrow is the last day you'll ever be alive. That seems certain right now.

You wish you could cry. It would be cathartic and it would keep Kurloz awake. But you don't have the energy or moisture.


Chapter Text

The door opens to the wardrobe and you are blinded by the light. Then you see Gamzee, dressed but without his makeup.

"Time to get your wake on," he says.

So this is it. The day you turn twenty three. Orson Welles made his first and greatest film when he was two years older than you but you won't live that long. This is the day you die. Your remaining family will always remember July 13th as the day you died. No, they'll remember another day, maybe one months later, as the day they found out you died. If they ever find out you died at all. They might never hear the news. The cult might kill them beforehand.

You're in just too much pain to move. Why bother moving? You aren't quick about leaving the wardrobe, so Gamzee pulls you out. You lie on the floor. He towers over you.

"Sad to see you this way, bro," he says.

"Your fault."

"But you still as beautiful as the day I met you."

"I'm fucking scarred from hot oil."

He kneels down next to you.

"You wanna know something about my past life?"

"No, but you'll tell me anyway."

"Well, they say if you know a motherfucker's true name you got power over them but I ain't seeing how you'll get power so I might as well tell you mine."

He whispers the true name in your ear:

Gamzee Makara

You respond, "What the fuck? Sounds...whimsical? Weren't you a mass murderer?"

"Then you be wanting to know what your name be?"

"Lay it on me."

You had no name

"Huh? Long name?"

Gamzee tsks. "You just ain't ever gonna get it."

"Nothing to get."

He sighs. "I wish you could get it. Wish we could both be in the Church. Be brothers-in-faith. Be friends like we used to get on."

Your entire body heaves like your sobbing but you have no moisture to do so. Instead, you turn away from him.

"You ruined that. You love the stupid fucking Church more than me. Deal with it."

You hear Gamzee sobbing. You turn to see tears running down his cheek.

"Gamzee?" you ask.

“I just want one more motherfucking kiss…”

He leans down to kiss you. Kurloz then bursts into the bedroom. He points at you. Gamzee stands up and rubs the tears out of his eyes.

He says, "I was just preparing the ritual object for -"

Kurloz stops Gamzee with a kiss. This time, Gamzee resists. He tries to wiggle away but Kurloz grabs him with his beefy arms that you know are strong. Kurloz devours Gamzee's mouth. Then he pushes Gamzee on to the bed.

His mouth free, Gamzee says softly, "Please, not now. I could get down later, but not now."

However, Kurloz is already going to the bedstand for that lube. He unzips his jeans and points at his cock. It's still soft. Whatever this is, it isn't about Kurloz being horny.

Gamzee says, "I just can't."

Kurloz grabs Gamzee's hair and pulls it towards his crotch. Gamzee gives in. He half-heartedly sucks Kurloz's cock between sobs. You should look away from this heart-breaking sight but you can still hear the sloppy noises.

Not too long after, Kurloz pushes Gamzee off his cock as roughly as he pulled Gamzee on it. He unbuttons and pulls Gamzee's jeans and boxers off.

"Not now," Gamzee says again.

Kurloz doesn't listen. He applies the lube to his now-hard cock. Then, like he did with you, he thrusts mercilessly into Gamzee. There's no sexy banter. Not even via sign language. Kurloz's hands stroke Gamzee's cock mechanically.

You stay on the floor during this, ignored by both the rapist and his new victim. Or rather the old victim. There's no part of you that feels schadenfreude. A big part of you wants to rescue Gamzee but you know from your dream of GameBro you aren't saving anyone. You can't even stand up.

Finally, Gamzee makes a noise that might be an orgasm or might be death. Kurloz gives three more thrusts before pulling out. He tucks himself back in and zips up his pants. Then, he points at you (you cringe away) and signs something.

Gamzee croaks out, "Yeah, I'll get the ritual object washed."

Kurloz steps over you and leaves the bedroom. Despite the command from his leader, Gamzee just lies on the bed for awhile. It's you that breaks the silence.

"Did he just rape you?" you ask.

"Nah," answers Gamzee, who isn't looking at you. "Just me being bratty. I shoulda said yes."

"He did rape you. That motherfucker raped you."

Gamzee tsks. "You still ain't understanding our relationship. It be his prerogative to fuck me, any time he want. Besides, he let me come."

"I wanna throw up."

"Wanna join you," you think he mumbles.

Eventually, he gets up and pulls back up his pants. He puts you in a fireman's carry and takes you to the bathroom, depositing you in the stall. He strips off his clothes but after what just happened you don't fear rape. He takes your crude bandage diaper off. There's stomach-turning pus but does an infection really matter now? He also takes off your chest bandage. The tattoo is nowhere close to healing. It never will heal and look like a decent tattoo. You wonder why they bothered with the such-short time they had. Guess you'll just never understand this cult.

Gamzee turns on the water. Frozen! You wince in pain but can't move away. He gets under the water with you and just...sits there. The water mercifully turns warm and then Gamzee springs into action. He takes a washcloth and soap and cleans both your filthy body and his own slightly-less filthy one. You let him because what else can you do? When he's done, he turns off the water. He dries you both off with a towel.

"That be all nice and relaxing," he says.

"What would be nice is killing Kurloz," you mutter back.

He sighs. Is he scolding you or does he sound wistful? Or both? "Can't do that."

"Do I need to be killed?"

"You motherfucking do."

"But..." You whisper, "I might not be the one you're looking for."

"What you say?" Gamzee whispers back.

"Just think about it. This..." There's so much you could say about how off everything is but you can't put it into words. "This isn't right."

He makes a “hurmp” noise and says nothing else to you.  

The chore done, he takes you into the main room. Judging by the sun, the morning has already passed. You haven't been able to "enjoy" your last day alive. The other Cultists, even the Demoness, are sitting around eating lunch. Meulin turns her head away when she sees naked Gamzee in an odd show of modesty. He ignores her and goes into the bunk bedroom.

After a couple minutes, he comes out face-painted and in a new outfit: big-legged black jeans with purple dots, a black tank-top with a purple zodiac sign on it, and black-and-purple-striped arm warmers. Despite the strangeness of the look, it feels familiar.

The Demoness holds up a hot dog. "Want to eat?"

Gamzee replies, "Funny seeing you eat when I ain't gonna."

She shrugs. "Suit yourself."

After eating, the other Cultists go into their bedroom, leaving you with Gamzee. He doesn't talk to you during this time. He just sits in thought with his arms crossed.

A few minutes later, the other Cultists stream back in dressed the same as Gamzee. Even the Demoness is spotting juggalo makeup, along with a camera bag on her back. It then dawns on you that they look like the "demons" from the back tattoo.

Kurloz takes out his electrolarynx.


"He ain't the Signless, is he?" Gamzee shoots out.

Meulin gasps. The Demoness groans. Kurloz drops his electrolarynx on the ground in what looks like shook. Then, he starts clapping. He puts his arm around Gamzee's shoulder and takes him aside. His arms then sign up a flurry.

"Okay...okay...okay..close to the Signless." you can hear Gamzee say, "But why kill him? What the fuck do you mean, for my own good?"

Kurloz signs something that makes Gamzee step away. Gamzee's face is twisted in anger.

"Sacrificed Mituna?! You never fucking loved Mituna! He just some motherfucker you 'bated and baked with back in middle school and you dumped his ass after you got laid with Meulin! Then years later he shows up with his YouTube internet fame and you jealous you ain't got the voice anymore to be a star cause your short-sighted chumpass snuck cigarettes at ten fucking years old! You were fucking THRILLED you got to subjugglate his famous ass!   

"But me? I love my motherfucking beautiful sacrifice more than most anything! The only thing in all existence I love more is the Mirthful Messiahs! I don't even love you that much and you my flesh and blood and the source of my highest passion! But don't think I never thought about my sacrifice when we was making love! Even with Tavros my soulmate I thought of him! Hell, I thought about it when I hit up Terezi! Yet here I am sacrificing my sacrifice for the good of the Family and you bet I'm salty about that!"

Kurloz points to himself and signs something.


Gamzee throws a punch at Kurloz who easily catches his fist it so the fight might be deflating but Gamzee just punches Kurloz in the dick. You would feel sympathy pains but you lost your own dick. Kurloz bends over in agony but Gamzee keeps on hitting him. Kurloz recovers to throw Gamzee a punch that knocks him to the floor. Kurloz towers over Gamzee, seemingly ready to sign a taunt, when Gamzee kicks up with both legs and knocks Kurloz over. He jumps onto Kurloz and starts pounding his head like a punching bag.

"I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU!" he screams as he does so.

Meulin also yells but for once she isn't loud enough to be heard.

Gamzee might beat Kurloz to death but then Kurloz kicks Gamzee between the legs. Gamzee shrieks and rolls off. Kurloz is thoroughly bloodied but he still takes the time to repeatedly kick Gamzee in the stomach.

Now Meulin can be heard. "STOP IT! YOU'RE FAMILY!"

The Demoness says, "Do not kill him. We need him."

Kurloz stops and looks at her long enough for Gamzee to wrap his legs around Kurloz's feet and pull him down to the ground. Gamzee scrambles over and puts Kurloz in a choke-hold.


The Demoness yells, " Baka ! Stop it!"

Kurloz says nothing and can't say anything.

Meulin stops screaming and hits Gamzee on the head. Her attack doesn't seem strong but it's enough to distract Gamzee long enough for Kurloz to escape. He kicks Gamzee out of the way and stands up uneasily. Gamzee stands up too. They face each other, Gamzee by the kitchen area and Kurloz against the couch.

"Will you guys stop fighting now?" Meulin asks.

Kurloz does the Wakanda Forever salute.

"Fffffuck no!" yells Gamzee.

He runs towards Kurloz only for Kurloz to grab him and throw him over the couch. Gamzee lands with his head on the back of the trunk.

The action has disrupted a gun that was hidden in the couch. Unfortunately for Gamzee, Kurloz grabs it first. He aims it at Gamzee.

"Purrloz, no!" Meulin screams as she pulls at her boyfriend.

"Kurloz hell yes!" yells Gamzee, "Do it, you pussy! I'd rather fucking die and not get incarnating again than live without my sacrifice! So go ahead and shoot me in the -"

Kurloz shoots Gamzee in the left kneecap.

Meulin and you scream to high heaven. Gamzee is gibbering and asking for his mommy. Kurloz is making raspy noises through his stoma since his nose seems to be out of order.  

Meanwhile, the Demoness says, "Good choice."

Kurloz goes to the bathroom. Water splashes and toilet paper unravels. Soon, he comes out with his battered face slightly better and some grey makeup slapped over it.

"Are you okay, Purrloz?" Meulin asks.

Kurloz nods. He picks back up his electrolarynx.


You hate the sound of that device.

The Demoness says to Kurloz, "You should have known this would happen. The younger Makara is a yowamiso ."

Kurloz just points at Gamzee's feet. She puts down her camera bag and goes over to grab Gamzee's feet. Kurloz grabs his arms. They lift Gamzee and take him out of the house like a soiled carpet, seemingly not caring about the blood dripping everywhere. There's a long streak along the beautiful hardwood floor. The couch is covered in blood. This place was once the most perfect vacation get away and now it's ruined. You would be sickened the blood but you've grown numb to it. At least it isn't yours for once.

When you are alone, you pull on Meulin's pants and croak out "save me." But she doesn't even look down. She can't save you. This is how it ends. Gamzee and Meulin had affection and mercy for you but in the end were impotent. Their fate will be harsh.

You aren't one to believe in any type of afterlife, not even the vaguest sort. After you die, you're dead. You're starting to think maybe there is an afterlife. All of you are really reincarnations of space aliens. Yet the Cultists have it wrong. The Makaras are being punished for the awful oppression they enacted on poor aliens in their previous life. Look at them, their lives on this planet is a total downgrade. And soon they'll die, maybe killed by an avenging army, and go to some worse situation. And you? That's the problem. Are you the Signless or not? Did you kidnap and rape Meulin in a past life and this is your punishment? If so that karma has been thoroughly paid and then some. You'll go on in your next life being alien royalty decked in all the gold you can carry or whatever that planets equivalent of gold is.  

No, you don't believe in an afterlife. Your consciousness is in the brain and when the brain goes so do you. There's no balancing act at the end. This is it.

Five minutes later, Kurloz and the Demoness come back. Kurloz puts you in a fireman's carry. Meulin takes the camera bag. Everyone leaves the cabin. As you see the cabin from the outside that one last time you wonder if the Cult will burn the accursed bloody place to wipe out the evidence. There's so much blood everywhere.

You go again to that clearing by the cabin. On the post, there's manacles and you have no question of who will be hanging from them. For now, you are laid on the ground.

Over in a corner, against a tree, Gamzee is sitting like a rag doll. All he can do is gibber. He hasn't passed out yet from pain.

The Demoness takes a tripod out of the camera bag and expands it. She places a camera on it. Your death will be witnessed. When she's done setting up the camera equipment, she gives a victory sign with a sinister smile.

That done, she and Meulin hold you down on the ground, as if you could possibly escape. Kurloz drags a piece of plywood and puts it on your legs. Then, he walks off and comes back with a sledgehammer. You know what is going on.

"Don't break my legs," you say in what you want to be a scream, "I can't escape, you don't need to break my legs."

Yet he does take that sledgehammer and brings it down. There's a bang and a sickening crunch and you are in more agony than you even were before. You are completely broken now. Your body is shattered. Luckily, they haven't taken out your voicebox.

"God damn it, this won't bring back your precious queen!" you manage to yell.

The Demoness snorts and says, "Wicker Man remake."


The plywood is taken off of your broken legs. The Cultists minus Gamzee drag your limp body to the post. Your modern handcuffs are removed, replaced by manacles. The three Cultist pull on a chain and your body is sent up like a bloody flag. Your arms pop out of their sockets as a final indignity to your broken body.

The Demoness turns to face the camera. She gives a speech in that strange alien language with the poise of a newscaster. Then, she points to Kurloz. Turning to you, he takes out his electrolarynx and says perhaps the last words you will ever hear from it.


He does the whoop whoop. The women follow suit. Gamzee might be saying whoop whoop in his corner.

Kurloz goes out of view. You then see him with two hunting bows and a quiver. He puts one bow in Gamzee's lap, as if Gamzee could use it in his state.

So here you are. Chained to a post. Your face is burnt, your chest is tattooed in gaudy pink letters, your genitals are cut off, your legs are broken, and your arms are out of their sockets. Every breath is agony. Kurloz is facing you with a bow and arrow. The women are off to the side, Meulin looking fearful and the Demoness looking gleeful. Gamzee is crying for his friend and for his mother.

Then, by what could be called a miracle considering the effort it takes to breath, you talk. Your last words won't be ones of forgiveness.

"Ffffffffuck. Fuck fuck fuck. God damn you all to Hell. Fffffffffuck."

Kurloz looks like he's laughing.

The Demoness says, "Same as always."

Kurloz lifts his bow but before he can shoot, the sky suddenly explodes into fractals. Up in the sky is a huge red horned ship the size of a football stadium just hanging in the air like gravity doesn't exist. As everyone but Gamzee watches, it slowly settles down until it blocks out the sun. The bottom opens and the Cultists make way for a gangplank. Then, out of the light like it's Close Encounters of the Third Kind , comes a seven foot humanoid figure with outward curving three foot horns and more hair than humanly possible floating like tentacles. Could this be Condy Fish Lady Her Imperious Condescension?

She, or whatever, strolls down the gangplank, carrying a gold double-sided trident. At first, it seems she's naked until you realize her jumpsuit is the same color as her skin. The Cultists move out of the way when she heads over to you. When she walks up to your pole, she towers over it. She bends over to see you better and you end up looking at her ample cleavage before looking at her face. She stares at you through her goggles with yellow sclera and pink pupils. Her breath smells like salt. You wonder if she plans on eating you. Instead, she turns to the side and looks at the Cultists. Her mouth opens and there's more teeth in there than in a human's mouth. It’s more like a shark’s mouth.

She speaks in those strange syllables, but they sound natural in her mouth. The Cultists do not answer. She sighs and starts speaking in a human tongue, though it sounds unnatural in her mouth.

"You motha brought da wrong...incarnation."

The Demoness is the one to speak up. "Your Imperiousness, this human has the blood of the Signless."

" not the Signless."

"We are seeking the release of the Signless from North Korean prison. Take this sacrifice."


Then, this alien queen's trident strikes out and plunges through Damara's chest clean through. The alien queen then tosses the limp body off. You wanted the Demoness dead but this is sickening.

Meulin screams, "Daaaaaamaaaaraaa! Oh my god, why did you kill Damara? You're supposed to save us!"

"I...krill you too...insolent...beach."

The alien queen approaches Meulin. Meulin tries to seek protection in Kurloz but Kurloz pushes her towards the alien queen. Meulin is stabbed and treated like her friend.

Then, she stares down Kurloz.

"You...have someting...I want."

Kurloz smiles wide despite the situation. He points to himself, then to her, and then brings both his palms up and then down to the side.

She responds, "I...don't want...cullbait hand language."

Her left hand shoots forward and plows through his guts. She comes out with a bloody object. She wipes it off on her bodysuit and the object glints. Your coin!

"Mine," she says as she puts it in her cleavage.

If Kurloz is still alive after this, he's dead once she stabs him through the chest with her trident.

The mass murderer, instead of going straight to you, goes over to the tree where Gamzee is propped up.

"Condesce!" Gamzee yells just loud enough for you to hear, "I love you almost as much as -"

" get...the"

"Karkat Vantas is the right one for me."

Condesce stabs Gamzee and your metaphorical heart is stabbed. Despite it all, you didn't want your friend to die. You would cry if you had enough liquid in your body to do so.

The Cultists dead, Condesce finally goes back over to you. You expect a quick stab. You'd better get a quick stab. You're in such agony that you'd welcome that. Instead, when she gets up close, her sneer turns into a smile.

"You...a cute...motha fucka."


"Awwww...come to me."

She pulls you off the post by the chain. You are draped into her arms and it indeed is the best hug. You don’t care that it’s ice-cold and hard. Her breasts are wonderful.

"Mom?" you ask.

"Meenah" she replies, "And you are Karkat Vantas."

She turns and carries you up the gangplank of the spaceship.       

"Let North Korean prison."

You are safe.