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First of All

Chapter Text

Self-Proclaimed Asshole  has added  Human Book Fancy Dipshit Somehow in College Gaston’s Nice Friend Piano Man Singin Big , and  Fancy Girlfriend  to the chat.  

Fancy Girlfriend: first of all 

Fancy Girlfriend: what the fuck 

Fancy Girlfriend: and second of all 

Fancy Girlfriend: w h y  t h e  f u c k 

Self-Proclaimed Asshole: I can explain 

Human Book: He felt like it 

Fancy Girlfriend: okay, who is ‘human book’ 

Human Book: Belle 

Human Book: Who are you? 

Fancy Girlfriend: Adri Plumette, Lumière’s girlfriend 

Fancy Dipshit: Bonjour? 

Self-Proclaimed AssholeI decided to make a chat because I felt like it 

Self-Proclaimed Asshole: There 

Human Book: Self-Proclaimed Asshole is Adam by the way 

Fancy Girlfriend: oh believe me, we know 

Somehow in College: Why is this my name? 

Self-Proclaimed Asshole: Bcuz you’re always super mature 

Self-Proclaimed Asshole: Like a 67 year old professor 

Fancy Dipshit: BAH that’s hilarious 

Somehow in College: How do I change it? 

Fancy Dipshit: I’m not telling you ever Hank 

Somehow in College: My name is Henry. 

Piano Man: Maestro Ferdina is giving us instructions on how to tune a grand and my phone is buzzing to this shit? 

Somehow in College: Believe me, Caddy, I’m not thrilled either. 

Gaston’s Nice Friend: Thanks for the title but I’m not talking to Gaston anymore 

Self-Proclaimed Asshole: Y’s that 

Gaston’s Nice Friend  has changed their name to  The Tea, Sis .  

Somehow in College: How did you do that? 

The Tea, Sis: Because somebody told me that he’s been saying really rude things about me and the other day he legitimately threatened me 

Human Book: Oh, LeFou, that’s horrible! 

Human Book: Adam beat him up a few months back 

The Tea, Sis: That’s why he had a black eye? 

Human Book: Correct 

Human Book: He’s not a good person and I frankly don’t care what happens to him 

The Tea, Sis: He told me it was from a fly ball at a baseball game 

Self-Proclaimed Asshole: Clearly an idiotic lie 

Fancy Dipshit: He was flicking matches at Laurens’ hair during a lecture once 

Fancy DipshitJohn’s boyfriend tried to punch him but he was far too skinny and weak 

Human Book: You mean Alexander Hamilton? 

Fancy Dipshit: That’s the one 

Fancy Dipshit: The boy would have been merely a smear of red on the floor had John not stepped in 

Human Book: I know Alex, we study literature in the library together sometimes 

Human BookHe’s...easily provoked 

Fancy Girlfriend: once alex passed out during class 

Fancy Girlfriend: he like, was legit sitting there, his eyes drooping and he just fell onto the desk and started snoring 

Fancy Girlfriend: prof. wash was freaking out 

Singin Big: I remember that 

Self-Proclaimed Asshole: Long story short, Gaston is horrible 

The Tea, Sis: If I told you I was gay would you be surprised? 

Self-Proclaimed Asshole: Not really 

Human Book: aDAM 

Self-Proclaimed Asshole: What he asked 

Self-Proclaimed Asshole: I’m being honest 

Human Book: We support you, LeFou 

The Tea, Sis: I guess I just came out then 

Self-Proclaimed Asshole: But seriously, LeFou, you’re cool and stuff and being gay isn’t a bad thing 

Self-Proclaimed Asshole: You were one of my best mates in Primary school before Gaston showed up and you followed him like a puppy 

Self-Proclaimed Asshole: It was pretty funny before I saw how sad you were 

Self-Proclaimed Asshole: Anyways, I’m glad you’re not talking to him anymore. He’s a dick 

The Tea, Sis: He’s very manipulative 

Self-Proclaimed Asshole: What do you do if your stove is on fire 

Human Book: Jesus Christ I’M COMING see you guys later while I make sure this guy doesn’t burn his apartment down 

Chapter Text

Human Book: Anyone want to hear about Adam’s eyeliner thing 

Self-Proclaimed AssholeSTOOOOPPPPP 

Human Book: -that makes him look incredibly hot and handsome 

Self-Proclaimed Asshole: I- 

Self-Proclaimed Asshole: fine 

Fancy Dipshit: Ah yes, fill us in 

Human Book: Now I feel like showing it to you so 

Human Book:  emo_bb.jpg  

Fancy Girlfriend: AWWWHHHHHH 

Human Book: When he saw that “AWWWHHHHHH” he blushed and shoved his face into my shoulder 

Fancy Girlfriend: AWWWWHHHHHH TO INFINITY 

Human Book: We’re watching Law & Order: SVU right now and every time Ice-T comes on he shouts “MATE WHAT UP” 

Human Book: I think that our neighbors hate us 

Somehow in College: I have a friend who lives in your building and he just texted me that quote, “my roomates r fukin annoying as shit but so am I so whatevs”. 

Human Book: Bah 

Self-Proclaimed Asshole: Anybody want fidget spinners I’m selling em for 5 a pop 

Piano Man: That’s a ridiculous price 

Singin Big: He’s right. I wouldn’t pay that much for a fad that’s long gone 

Self-Proclaimed Asshole: I PAYED LIKE EIGHT POUNDS FOR SOME OF THESE SO SHUT UP 

Human Book: He’s dumping a box on the coffee table 

Human Book: GOOD LORD HE HAS AT LEAST 25 

Piano Man: Honestly, what a waste 

Fancy Dipshit: Yoikes 

Self-Proclaimed Asshole: fine 

Self-Proclaimed Asshole: I tried to be nice by giving you guys first pick before I sell them for higher on eBay 

Self-Proclaimed Asshole: You could’ve just told me no thank you 

Somehow in College: I appreciate the offer, Adam, but I’m not in the market for toys at the moment. 

Self-Proclaimed Asshole: THEY ARENT TOYS 

Human Book: He’s stomping off. You guys figure out an apology of sorts while I try to fix this mess 

Fancy Girlfriend: welp 

Fancy Girlfriend: my james charles obsessed ass has one thing to say about this 

Fancy Girlfriend: sister sad :’( 

Singin Big: I-I'm sorry, Adam 

Piano Man: Me too 

Fancy Dipshit: Apologies 

Self-Proclaimed Asshole: Thank you 

Human Book: Chip came over a few minutes ago and now they’re playing with Adam’s humongous collection of LEGO sets 

Human Book: Which means Mrs. Potts and I have time to silence and coffee 

Fancy Girlfriend: sounds nice 

Fancy Girlfriend: i'm trying to watch twd but every time a good fight scene comes on my dipshit of a boyfriend interrupts with something along the lines of “look at this meme” or something like that 

Self-Proclaimed Asshole: But are they crispy memes? 

Fancy Girlfriend: what 

Fancy DipshitHe asked if they were crispy, mon amour 

Fancy Girlfriend: i know what he said i’m just wondering what he meant 

Self-Proclaimed Asshole: Crispy memes are the best memes that give you that elegant taste of “ayyy lmao” 

Fancy Girlfriend: belle, he all good? 

Human Book: Don’t worry Plumette, this is a regular occurrence 

Human Book: He’s a self proclaimed “Meme God” 

Human Book: I didn’t ask for this in a romantic partner yet here we are 

Self-Proclaimed Asshole: bELLE 

Human Book: What do you want now 

Self-Proclaimed Asshole: Chip wants to see my hoverboard and I can’t find it 

Self-Proclaimed Asshole: Where did it go 

Human Book: Find it yourself 

Human Book: I’m having coffee 

Singin Big: Does he always act like, how you say, a baby? 

Human Book: No, he’s actually pretty independent 

Human Book: When he was a kid, he had servants who would wait on him 

Human Book: He likes to do things himself and he doesn’t think that anybody should have to be a servant 

Somehow in College: That’s admirable. 

Human Book: oH MY GOD GUYS 

Fancy Dipshit: What? 

Human Book: Adam and Chip are cowering over the computer and watching the Frozen ll trailer 

The Tea, Sis: What? I need to see this! My homeboy Josh Gad is in there 

Fancy Dipshit: Yes, Belle, send us a picture 

Human Book:  superfans.jpg  

Fancy Girlfriend: AWWWWWHHHH 

Human Book: Adam and I have already seen it but Chip really wanted to see Kristoff 

Singin Big: Chip has an excellent sense of style 

Singin Big: I really like his high tops 

Singin Big: Excellent taste 

The Tea, Sis: I’m going to IKEA to get a new desk chair 

The Tea, Sis: Who wants to come 

Fancy Dipshit: I’ll go 

Fancy Girlfriend: why not 

Somehow in College: I need a new mirror, so I’ll accompany. 

The Tea, Sis: Let’s go 

Chapter Text

Self-Proclaimed Asshole:  I walked into class today 

Self-Proclaimed Asshole:  Prof Wash opened the door 

Self-Proclaimed Asshole:  And there was a big pENIS spray painted on the wall 

Somehow in College:  And who committed this atrocity? Hm? 

Self-Proclaimed Asshole:  Contrary to popular belief, it wasn’t me 

Self-Proclaimed Asshole:  I’m not a pervert 

Self-Proclaimed Asshole:  Some dumbass signed ‘Lucky Number 12’ under it along with a messy drawing of Gaston’s American football jersey 

Self-Proclaimed Asshole:  Interestingly, Gaston has the same number as Tom Brady, a cheater 

S elf-Proclaimed Asshole:  But that’s off topic 

S elf -Proclaimed Asshole:  He’s rotting in detention rn 

Human Book:  I hope he gets expelled 

Self-Proclaimed Asshole:  So do I, but since his dad is that rich military fucker he probably won’t 

Fancy Girlfriend:  that sucks 

Human Book:  It really does 

The Tea, Sis:  Well, we went to IKEA 

The Tea, Sis:  And fancy pants got into a slight bit of trouble with the law 

Self-Proclaimed Asshole:  Lumière

S elf -Proclaimed Asshole:  wHAT DID YOU DO?? 

Fancy Dipshit:  Well 

Fancy Dipshit:  I saw a giant ladybug in the children’s care center 

Fancy Dipshit:  And I really wanted to get a selfie on it 

Fancy Dipshit:  So when the woman at the desk turned her back, I hopped the fence 

Human Book:  oh my god 

Fancy Dipshit:  And clambered up onto the back of the beast 

Fancy Dipshit:  But before I could get my selfie a security guard found me and I was escorted out 

Fancy Girlfriend:  they had a sick ass lamp that i wanted 

Fancy Girlfriend:  but we had to leave early 

Somehow in College:  I didn’t even get a chance to examine the mirrors! 

Self-Proclaimed Asshole:  That’s by far the stupidest thing he’s done 

Piano Man:  Did he crush any children? 

Somehow in College:  Thankfully, no. They escaped his tiny but powerful feet. 

Singin Big:  If he’d crushed any kids, I’d have probably started laughing 

Self-Proclaimed Asshole:  I have some leftover booze from my asshole dad’s place if anyone wants it. I won’t touch the shit 

Human Book:  He wanted to borrow his friend’s shotgun and target shoot them but I said that you guys might want some 

Piano Man:  I’ve got a recital I’m going to next week and me and my piano buddies always hang in the back of my van and sip afterwards 

Piano Man:  So yeah, I’ll take it 

Singin Big:  Adam + Shotgun = Bad 

Human Book:  That’s true 

Self-Proclaimed Asshole:  Surprisingly, I know how to handle a firearm 

Self-Proclaimed Asshole:  My dick of a father always made me go on fox hunts with his rich friends 

Self-Proclaimed Asshole:  I don’t even think those are legal anymore 

Self-Proclaimed Asshole:  I was an excellent shot but I’d always miss on purpose 

Fancy Girlfriend:  guys we have a problem 

Fancy Girlfriend:  lefou just got into a fistfight with gaston 

Self-Proclaimed Asshole:  THAT IDIOT 

Self-Proclaimed Asshole:  Be right there 

Human Book:  I’m coming too 

Piano Man:  I’ll block Chip’s eyes 

 

Self-Proclaimed Asshole : sO basically what happened is Gaston was practically smashing LeFou’s face, I hit him in the back of the head with a golf club, he turned around and was about to yeet his fist between my eyes, and then I McSwung the golf club and knocked him out 

Singin Big:  Wow 

Human Book:  LeFou is in stable condition but he’s gonna need surgery so I set up a gofundme page and I’ll spread fliers with the link around campus 

Self-Proclaimed Asshole:  Belle, honey, you’re a saint 

Human Book:  I’m just a regular old homo sapiens trying to help 

Somehow in College:  I’ve heard that Gaston’s getting suspended for the rest of the semester. 

Human Book:  THEY DIDN’T KICK HIM OUT???? 

Fancy Girlfriend:  his parents pay too much money. we all know theyre bribing the school a ton to keep him in 

Fancy Girlfriend:  but anyways. who wants to go get some coffee and visit lefou 

Human Book:  I want to 

Self-Proclaimed Asshole:  I know his favorite drink 

Singin Big:  Me and Caddy’ll go 

Self-Proclaimed Asshole:  well then let’s skrt skrt bitches