Chapter 1: In Which People Are Confusion, and It Isn't About Kansas and Arkansas
Self-Proclaimed Asshole has added Human Book , Fancy Dipshit , Somehow in College , Gaston’s Nice Friend , Piano Man , Singin Big , and Fancy Girlfriend to the chat.
Fancy Girlfriend: first of all
Fancy Girlfriend: what the fuck
Fancy Girlfriend: and second of all
Fancy Girlfriend: w h y t h e f u c k
Self-Proclaimed Asshole: I can explain
Human Book: He felt like it
Fancy Girlfriend: okay, who is ‘human book’
Human Book: Belle
Human Book: Who are you?
Fancy Girlfriend: Adri Plumette, Lumière’s girlfriend
Fancy Dipshit: Bonjour?
Self-Proclaimed Asshole: I decided to make a chat because I felt like it
Self-Proclaimed Asshole: There
Human Book: Self-Proclaimed Asshole is Adam by the way
Fancy Girlfriend: oh believe me, we know
Somehow in College: Why is this my name?
Self-Proclaimed Asshole: Bcuz you’re always super mature
Self-Proclaimed Asshole: Like a 67 year old professor
Fancy Dipshit: BAH that’s hilarious
Somehow in College: How do I change it?
Fancy Dipshit: I’m not telling you ever Hank
Somehow in College: My name is Henry.
Piano Man: Maestro Ferdina is giving us instructions on how to tune a grand and my phone is buzzing to this shit?
Somehow in College: Believe me, Caddy, I’m not thrilled either.
Gaston’s Nice Friend: Thanks for the title but I’m not talking to Gaston anymore
Self-Proclaimed Asshole: Y’s that
Gaston’s Nice Friend has changed their name to The Tea, Sis .
Somehow in College: How did you do that?
The Tea, Sis: Because somebody told me that he’s been saying really rude things about me and the other day he legitimately threatened me
Human Book: Oh, LeFou, that’s horrible!
Human Book: Adam beat him up a few months back
The Tea, Sis: That’s why he had a black eye?
Human Book: Correct
Human Book: He’s not a good person and I frankly don’t care what happens to him
The Tea, Sis: He told me it was from a fly ball at a baseball game
Self-Proclaimed Asshole: Clearly an idiotic lie
Fancy Dipshit: He was flicking matches at Laurens’ hair during a lecture once
Fancy Dipshit: John’s boyfriend tried to punch him but he was far too skinny and weak
Human Book: You mean Alexander Hamilton?
Fancy Dipshit: That’s the one
Fancy Dipshit: The boy would have been merely a smear of red on the floor had John not stepped in
Human Book: I know Alex, we study literature in the library together sometimes
Human Book: He’s...easily provoked
Fancy Girlfriend: once alex passed out during class
Fancy Girlfriend: he like, was legit sitting there, his eyes drooping and he just fell onto the desk and started snoring
Fancy Girlfriend: prof. wash was freaking out
Singin Big: I remember that
Self-Proclaimed Asshole: Long story short, Gaston is horrible
The Tea, Sis: If I told you I was gay would you be surprised?
Self-Proclaimed Asshole: Not really
Human Book: aDAM
Self-Proclaimed Asshole: What he asked
Self-Proclaimed Asshole: I’m being honest
Human Book: We support you, LeFou
The Tea, Sis: I guess I just came out then
Self-Proclaimed Asshole: But seriously, LeFou, you’re cool and stuff and being gay isn’t a bad thing
Self-Proclaimed Asshole: You were one of my best mates in Primary school before Gaston showed up and you followed him like a puppy
Self-Proclaimed Asshole: It was pretty funny before I saw how sad you were
Self-Proclaimed Asshole: Anyways, I’m glad you’re not talking to him anymore. He’s a dick
The Tea, Sis: He’s very manipulative
Self-Proclaimed Asshole: What do you do if your stove is on fire
Human Book: Jesus Christ I’M COMING see you guys later while I make sure this guy doesn’t burn his apartment down
Chapter 2: In Which Adam is a Meme God
In which Adam likes eyeliner, fidget spinners, and hoverboards, all things that emit a reaction from the others. Also, Chip and Mrs. Potts make an appearance.
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Human Book: Anyone want to hear about Adam’s eyeliner thing
Self-Proclaimed Asshole: STOOOOPPPPP
Human Book: -that makes him look incredibly hot and handsome
Self-Proclaimed Asshole: I-
Self-Proclaimed Asshole: fine
Fancy Dipshit: Ah yes, fill us in
Human Book: Now I feel like showing it to you so
Human Book: emo_bb.jpg
Fancy Girlfriend: AWWWHHHHHH
Human Book: When he saw that “AWWWHHHHHH” he blushed and shoved his face into my shoulder
Fancy Girlfriend: AWWWWHHHHHH TO INFINITY
Human Book: We’re watching Law & Order: SVU right now and every time Ice-T comes on he shouts “MATE WHAT UP”
Human Book: I think that our neighbors hate us
Somehow in College: I have a friend who lives in your building and he just texted me that quote, “my roomates r fukin annoying as shit but so am I so whatevs”.
Human Book: Bah
Self-Proclaimed Asshole: Anybody want fidget spinners I’m selling em for 5 a pop
Piano Man: That’s a ridiculous price
Singin Big: He’s right. I wouldn’t pay that much for a fad that’s long gone
Self-Proclaimed Asshole: I PAYED LIKE EIGHT POUNDS FOR SOME OF THESE SO SHUT UP
Human Book: He’s dumping a box on the coffee table
Human Book: GOOD LORD HE HAS AT LEAST 25
Piano Man: Honestly, what a waste
Fancy Dipshit: Yoikes
Self-Proclaimed Asshole: fine
Self-Proclaimed Asshole: I tried to be nice by giving you guys first pick before I sell them for higher on eBay
Self-Proclaimed Asshole: You could’ve just told me no thank you
Somehow in College: I appreciate the offer, Adam, but I’m not in the market for toys at the moment.
Self-Proclaimed Asshole: THEY ARENT TOYS
Human Book: He’s stomping off. You guys figure out an apology of sorts while I try to fix this mess
Fancy Girlfriend: welp
Fancy Girlfriend: my james charles obsessed ass has one thing to say about this
Fancy Girlfriend: sister sad :’(
Singin Big: I-I'm sorry, Adam
Piano Man: Me too
Fancy Dipshit: Apologies
Self-Proclaimed Asshole: Thank you
Human Book: Chip came over a few minutes ago and now they’re playing with Adam’s humongous collection of LEGO sets
Human Book: Which means Mrs. Potts and I have time to silence and coffee
Fancy Girlfriend: sounds nice
Fancy Girlfriend: i'm trying to watch twd but every time a good fight scene comes on my dipshit of a boyfriend interrupts with something along the lines of “look at this meme” or something like that
Self-Proclaimed Asshole: But are they crispy memes?
Fancy Girlfriend: what
Fancy Dipshit: He asked if they were crispy, mon amour
Fancy Girlfriend: i know what he said i’m just wondering what he meant
Self-Proclaimed Asshole: Crispy memes are the best memes that give you that elegant taste of “ayyy lmao”
Fancy Girlfriend: belle, he all good?
Human Book: Don’t worry Plumette, this is a regular occurrence
Human Book: He’s a self proclaimed “Meme God”
Human Book: I didn’t ask for this in a romantic partner yet here we are
Self-Proclaimed Asshole: bELLE
Human Book: What do you want now
Self-Proclaimed Asshole: Chip wants to see my hoverboard and I can’t find it
Self-Proclaimed Asshole: Where did it go
Human Book: Find it yourself
Human Book: I’m having coffee
Singin Big: Does he always act like, how you say, a baby?
Human Book: No, he’s actually pretty independent
Human Book: When he was a kid, he had servants who would wait on him
Human Book: He likes to do things himself and he doesn’t think that anybody should have to be a servant
Somehow in College: That’s admirable.
Human Book: oH MY GOD GUYS
Fancy Dipshit: What?
Human Book: Adam and Chip are cowering over the computer and watching the Frozen ll trailer
The Tea, Sis: What? I need to see this! My homeboy Josh Gad is in there
Fancy Dipshit: Yes, Belle, send us a picture
Human Book: superfans.jpg
Fancy Girlfriend: AWWWWWHHHH
Human Book: Adam and I have already seen it but Chip really wanted to see Kristoff
Singin Big: Chip has an excellent sense of style
Singin Big: I really like his high tops
Singin Big: Excellent taste
The Tea, Sis: I’m going to IKEA to get a new desk chair
The Tea, Sis: Who wants to come
Fancy Dipshit: I’ll go
Fancy Girlfriend: why not
Somehow in College: I need a new mirror, so I’ll accompany.
The Tea, Sis: Let’s go
Apparently Disney characters swearing is my new thing. Who knew?
I got the idea about Adam wearing eyeliner from a fic called De Profundis by emjee (MerryHeart) . Thank you very much for giving me this wonderful idea!
Also, close to the end, when LeFou said "My homebody Josh Gad is in there" in regards to the Frozen ll trailer, (which is amazing btw) if you got the reference, I applaud you. If not, go and look up Josh Gad's filmography.
Have a nice day to all! Comments and kudos appreciated!
Chapter 3: In Which a Golf Club Gets McSwung
A penis is spray painted on a classroom wall, we learn of Lumière's IKEA adventure, and Gaston fights with one of the gang. Also, Adam briefly talks of shotguns and foxhunting.
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Self-Proclaimed Asshole: I walked into class today
Self-Proclaimed Asshole: Prof Wash opened the door
Self-Proclaimed Asshole: And there was a big pENIS spray painted on the wall
Somehow in College: And who committed this atrocity? Hm?
Self-Proclaimed Asshole: Contrary to popular belief, it wasn’t me
Self-Proclaimed Asshole: I’m not a pervert
Self-Proclaimed Asshole: Some dumbass signed ‘Lucky Number 12’ under it along with a messy drawing of Gaston’s American football jersey
Self-Proclaimed Asshole: Interestingly, Gaston has the same number as Tom Brady, a cheater
S elf-Proclaimed Asshole: But that’s off topic
S elf -Proclaimed Asshole: He’s rotting in detention rn
Human Book: I hope he gets expelled
Self-Proclaimed Asshole: So do I, but since his dad is that rich military fucker he probably won’t
Fancy Girlfriend: that sucks
Human Book: It really does
The Tea, Sis: Well, we went to IKEA
The Tea, Sis: And fancy pants got into a slight bit of trouble with the law
Self-Proclaimed Asshole: Lumière
S elf -Proclaimed Asshole: wHAT DID YOU DO??
Fancy Dipshit: Well
Fancy Dipshit: I saw a giant ladybug in the children’s care center
Fancy Dipshit: And I really wanted to get a selfie on it
Fancy Dipshit: So when the woman at the desk turned her back, I hopped the fence
Human Book: oh my god
Fancy Dipshit: And clambered up onto the back of the beast
Fancy Dipshit: But before I could get my selfie a security guard found me and I was escorted out
Fancy Girlfriend: they had a sick ass lamp that i wanted
Fancy Girlfriend: but we had to leave early
Somehow in College: I didn’t even get a chance to examine the mirrors!
Self-Proclaimed Asshole: That’s by far the stupidest thing he’s done
Piano Man: Did he crush any children?
Somehow in College: Thankfully, no. They escaped his tiny but powerful feet.
Singin Big: If he’d crushed any kids, I’d have probably started laughing
Self-Proclaimed Asshole: I have some leftover booze from my asshole dad’s place if anyone wants it. I won’t touch the shit
Human Book: He wanted to borrow his friend’s shotgun and target shoot them but I said that you guys might want some
Piano Man: I’ve got a recital I’m going to next week and me and my piano buddies always hang in the back of my van and sip afterwards
Piano Man: So yeah, I’ll take it
Singin Big: Adam + Shotgun = Bad
Human Book: That’s true
Self-Proclaimed Asshole: Surprisingly, I know how to handle a firearm
Self-Proclaimed Asshole: My dick of a father always made me go on fox hunts with his rich friends
Self-Proclaimed Asshole: I don’t even think those are legal anymore
Self-Proclaimed Asshole: I was an excellent shot but I’d always miss on purpose
Fancy Girlfriend: guys we have a problem
Fancy Girlfriend: lefou just got into a fistfight with gaston
Self-Proclaimed Asshole: THAT IDIOT
Self-Proclaimed Asshole: Be right there
Human Book: I’m coming too
Piano Man: I’ll block Chip’s eyes
Self-Proclaimed Asshole : sO basically what happened is Gaston was practically smashing LeFou’s face, I hit him in the back of the head with a golf club, he turned around and was about to yeet his fist between my eyes, and then I McSwung the golf club and knocked him out
Singin Big: Wow
Human Book: LeFou is in stable condition but he’s gonna need surgery so I set up a gofundme page and I’ll spread fliers with the link around campus
Self-Proclaimed Asshole: Belle, honey, you’re a saint
Human Book: I’m just a regular old homo sapiens trying to help
Somehow in College: I’ve heard that Gaston’s getting suspended for the rest of the semester.
Human Book: THEY DIDN’T KICK HIM OUT????
Fancy Girlfriend: his parents pay too much money. we all know theyre bribing the school a ton to keep him in
Fancy Girlfriend: but anyways. who wants to go get some coffee and visit lefou
Human Book: I want to
Self-Proclaimed Asshole: I know his favorite drink
Singin Big: Me and Caddy’ll go
Self-Proclaimed Asshole: well then let’s skrt skrt bitches
I'm glad you haven't McFucking skrt skrted out on me yet
Comments and kudos are my fuel so yeet those down there. I'm also always looking for crispy memes so comment links to em
Thank you and good night!