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Barney Miller - Crazy Bitch

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Barney Miller
Jules Tyler

Wojo and I had been seeing each other for a few months, but lately, he’d been more distant. He hand’t “called” [made a date w/] me in over a week. We hadn’t had the chance to talk about it becos things had really been jumping in the crime business. So, like Wojo was out on a call w/Nick and this chick came in. “Can I help you?” I asked.

“I’m looking for Sgt Wotchohowitz.”

I side-glanced at Harriss. He just shook his head and went back to his paperwork. “Uh, sorry. He’s out on a call right now. Can I help you with something?”

“Not unless you know where he keeps his apt. key.”

“Pardon you?” I asked.

“Yeah. I left a - a personal item at his apt. last night.”

“Really?” I asked. “When did you meet Wojo?”

“Wojo? Is that his name?”

“That’s what he’s called around here. When did you meet – Stanly?”

“Last week, in the park.”

“Oh, you jog too?” I was doing my damdest to keep my anger and jealousy in, but I had a feeling it was starting to show by the way I grabbed the coffee cup.

“No. I was walking. He was playing his flute.”


“No thanx.”

“I didn’t know he played the flute.” I poured the coffee. I took a sip, then excused myself. I took the coffee cup into the bathroom, closed the door, then calmly, but coolly, screamed as loud as I could. Then I threw the coffee cup at the door. It gave me some pleasure to imagine the mug hitting Wojo in the head.

I exited the bathroom to see Barney, Harriss, Detrich, the chick, and Leavitt looking at me. “Don’t worry,” I said. “I didn’t slash my wrists w/any of the glass.” I held them out to prove it. Tears began to well up in my eyes.

“Anything wrong,” Barney asked.


I began to sing a song from “The Best Little Whorehouse In Texas.” “’I’ll be fine and dandy. Lord it’s like a hard candy Christmas. Me, I’ll be just fine.’”

“You sure?” Harriss asked.

“No. I really should be taking this better, but there’s too much blood in my alcohol level.”

“You look a little upset,” Detrich said. “You want to talk about it?”

“No. What’s done is done. I’m a mature adult. I should – and I stress ‘should’ – be able to handle this…but why do I feel like a high school teenager who’s just been dumped? Wait a minute. That’s an essay question. Think about it.”

“You sure you don’t want to tlak about it,” Barney asked.

“Tell me who’s known the Bengledesh granola-head the longest. That’s who I’ll talk to.”

“I assume –“

“Never assume, Barn,” Harriss said. “You make an –“

“Yes, Harriss. I’m familiar w/the term. Wojo?”

“Yes.” I said thru clenched teeth.

“I haven’t know him the longest,” Detrich said, “but I roomed w/him for about a month.”

“We’re using your office, Barn,” I said as I grabbed Detrich’s hand and led him into Barney’s office. We talked for about ten minutes. He said that Wojo almost always picks up “fallen angel’s.” He said that Wojo said he was like the only person in the world to straighten them out.

“you mean that – the girl out there is probably a “fallen angel’?”

“I’d bet money on it.”

“Oh. Okay. Thank you. Hey – I just had an idea.”

“Had? Where’d it go?”

I had to smile at the joke. “Okay – I still have it. Do you like practical jokes?”

“As long as it’s not on me, sure.” So I told him my idea, and he thought it was pretty funny.

So, Wojo and Nick come back and the two guys they brought in were yelling their heads off. So, I lean out the door of Barney’s office and I said. “Hey! Keep it down! This is an old building! Besides, we’re having an in depth conversation in here!” I closed the door.

I went and took my position, knowing that Wojo would come in to try to explain what Miss Blondie out there was doing. Wojo opened the door, and stood there dumbfounded as he watched Detrich and I in the midst of that ritual, which is an oddity in the wild animal kingdom, known as “lip smashing.”

“What are you doing?” Wojo demanded.

“Whale watching, “ I said breaking away from Detrich.

“You and Detrich?”

I countered with “You and the blond ball of fluff?”


“You heard me!”

“That doesn’t explain why you were kissing Detrich!”

I pushed my way past Wojo to the squad room. Wojo followed me. “Well?” he asked. “What’s your explanation?”

“I’ll kiss anyone I want to, anyntime, any place, and any where on his body!”

“Oh really?”

“Yes, really!” And just to prove it, I went over to Harriss {who was filing papers}, ducked under his arms, put my arms around his neck and kissed his lips. When I pulled away from him, I stood in front of Wojo in an unconcerned, arms folded pose and glared at him. “So,” I said. “You got a problem w/it?”

“Yes, I got a problem with it! How would you like it if your girlfriend was making love to all your co-workers?”

“A) I don’t’ have a girlfriend, and B) I’m not making love to all your co-workers, and C) what about Miss Teenage USA over there?”

“She’s my sister!”

“Oh, that’s really origional, Wojo. I thought you were better than that. Oh, and while you’re at it,” I said ripping a ring from my finger. “Keep your precious ring!” I threw it at him as hard as I could. I was hoping to poke his eye out.

I pushed my past everyone, tears streaming down my face, down the backway to the mini-gym. I ran into the lockerroom, and changed into a purple leotard, shimmery stocking, and a pink sweatshirt and leg warmers. I tied a bandana underneath the sweatshirt around my waist and clipped my walkman to it. I clicked the phone is, brought them out from underneath the sweatshirt and pushed the “play” button. I then proceeded to the weight room for a good workout to release a hell of a lot of stress.

I’d been at it maybe five minutes when Wojo found me. He was saying something but I couldn’t hear him becos of the walkman. I didn’t really care anyway, becos as far as I was concerned it was over, gone w/done w/. We had worked out together a few times, and he knew where the switch was. He turned off the w.m and got about a ½ a syllable in before I turne dit back on. He ripped the phones off my head, which drew a crowd. I was thinking of throwing the weight I held in my hand at him.

“Don’t you know that I care about you?” He asked.

“Oh sure! You really care. I bet you sleep w/ every “fallen angel” you arrest?” I saw Cogan wince at the low-blow I had delivered.

“What about you? W/Detrich and Harriss?”

“I will sleep w/whoever I want, whenever I want, and wherever I want, be it at his house, in Central Park, or Barney’s office! You don’t own me, Stan!”

“I’m gona try my damndest to get you back!”

“Oh yeah? What’re you gona do about it?” I pushed his shoulder with my finger.

“What’re you gona do about it?” he asked shoving my shoulder really hard.

“What’re you gona do about it?” I asked as I gave him a right cross.

He paused and felt his jaw before he said, “I’m gona do this!” He pulled me to him and kissed me. I tried to fight it, but I couldn’t. It was no use. He had me in his spell. When we pulled apart he asked, “Do you believe me now?”

All I could do was nodd. He produced the ring he gave me last week, and put it on my finger. We were then applauded for by all of the uniforms on coffee breaks.