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Barney Miller - Pot Brownies

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Barney Miller
Character: Jules Tyler

Wojo got a call. He listened. “No! What? Where? When? Okay.” He hung up.

Dietrich asked what was up.

“Jules has been shot!”

Barney came out of his office. “Where is she?”

“They didn’t say.”

So, everybody got on the phones trying to find out where I was. 5 minutes later I walk in. Everyone looked around at each other, but nobody said anything. “Mornin’ guys,” I said. I just got a few “Uh’s” from them. “Uh – pardon you, but I think there’s a page missing from my side of the script.

Harriss came right out with it. “ said you’d been shot.”

“I was.” I held up the index finger on my left hand. There was a bandage on it.

“That’s it?” Barney asked.

“Yeah. It hurt though and I lost the nail.”

“Oh,” Wojo said. “What happened?”

“I called for a taxi and an armed robber’s bullet hit my finger. I pulled out my gun and yelled that I was a cop. He put the gun on me and I shot him. Superficial though. He dropped the gun and I took him downtown. Wrong side of the city. Cogan’s got him. Relax. Guys I’m fine. I’m just gona go make a phone call. That is if I can dial.”

An hour later, Todd McKee (my buddy) comes in. He’d heard I’d been shot, and he brought me some brownies. I hadn’t seen him in a while, so when he came in, I rushed up to him and hugged him. “Todd! How r you? I haven’t seen you in so long! What brings you here?”

“I heard you’d been shot, so I brought you some brownies. I remembered how much you liked them.”

“Thanx Todd. That’s sweet of you. But how’d you find out?”

“Cruz.”

“Cruz? Todd, Crus is a fictional character.”

“That’s what you think.” He kissed me quickly and left.

“What a sweetie.” I offered them to the guys. Everybody took one. Everyone but Barney. He’s watching his weight. “What’s wrong with love handles, Barn?”

“Love handles?”

“Sure. I like a man w/a little bit of meat on him. Makes him more tickelish.” I went to get a cup of coffee. “Right, Wojo?” I asked as I tickeled him. He almost dropped his brownie. Then, he set it down on his desk, turned to face me, removed the coffee from my hand, put it on the desk, and proceeded to tickle me. I tickled him back.

“Okay, okay, you two,” Barney said. “We get the picture. Now, back to work.”

So, we worked a while and I’d say an hour passed before we got our next call. {By the way, Dietrich had the day off.} Fish and Wojo went out to get it. Just before they left, Wojo took a brownie. “Quick energy.” Was what he said.

Five minutes later, Nick stood up and started to sing “I’ll Take You Home Again, Kathleen.” Barney came out of his office. “What is he doing?”

“Singing.” Harriss said.

“I can see that.”

Nick picked up a brownie and proceeded to eat it. Then, he put his arm around Barney and said to him and Harriss, “What say we go down to the beach and shoot some clams?”

“What about me?” I asked. “I’m not a guy.”

“Do you like violence?”

“Yes.”

“You can watch,” Nick said. Nick picked up another brownie.

Harriss said, “I think he’s stoned Barney.”

“Stoned?” B asked in disbelief. Barney grabbed the brownie from him and smelled it. “I think there’s something in these things.” He proclaimed. “How many of these have you had?”

Nick leaned in to Barney’s ear and said, “Mushey mushey.”

Barney turned to me and asked, “Can you still function?’

“Hey – sharp as a tack!” I said seriousley.

“Good. Go have these analyzed.” He handed me the box. I picked up a brownie and started to eat it.

Barney grabbed it from me and yelled, “Not that way!”

“I think they got hash in ‘em, Barn.”

“Hash?”

“I mean from the way that I feel.

Nick started singing again. Barney and I took him into Barney’s office and put him on the sofa. Barney left and had Harriss take the brownies down to the guys who did that sort of thing. (Analyzing brownies I mean.) I came out of his office and Barney asked, “How’s Nick?”

I paused before saying, “I like him,” with a big smile.

“Sure. Nothing too complicated, though.”

“Complicated?”

“Dialing the phone….”

“Harriss just called. You were right. Laced with hashiesh.”

Harris entered from the back entrance. And at the exact same moment, Nick came out of Barney’s office and asked, “Has anyone seen my legs?” Barney told Harriss to take Nick home. “They’re about this long,” Nick said as he held his arms up. Barney grabbed Nick’s coat off the rack and put it on him. Nick and Harriss started to go out the back way when Nick stopped and asked Harriss to blink his eyes hard. He did. “I heard that,” Nick said. “It went ‘squish squish.’” They prodded on.

Five minutes later Fish and Wojo came back. Wojo had a – one of those hooks batman and robin used to climb walls w/on h is shoulder, and a whole bunch of rope. Fish took the handcuffs off the guy. He was nervous. (Not Fish. They guy.)

He said, “There I was. On a building. I put a board across the side to connect it w/the one, crossed, and drug in the board. The old guy just went Bang! Zoom! Boom!”

Fish goes “Yeah,” and smiled.

“It mush’ve been twelve feet across. How’d you do that?”

“What do you think you’re dealing w/? A bunch of ametures?” Fish demanded.

Wojo, who was already at his desk, told the guy to sit down. But he said it really dreamily. He waved his hand to the guy as if telling him “Down!”

“Are you aware that those brownies you ate were laced with hashiesh?” Barney asked Wojo and Fish.

“You’re kiddin’ Barn,” Wojo said. “I don’t feel a thing.”

“I believe it.”

“The first time I felt really good in thirty years and it had to be illegal,” Fish said. Then he went off into the bathroom.

“Can you still work,” Barney asked Wojo.

“Sure Barn,” he said. He then proceeded to type up the report. When that was done, he gave the sheet to Barney.

“I think you better go home, Wojo.” He said.

“Why Barn?”

“Under ‘crime committed’ you put ‘burglary’ six times.”

“Just tryin’ to make a point.”

“Jules?”

“Yeah Barn?”

“You wanna take Wojo home?”

“Who’s?”

“His.”

“Sure Barn. Come on Wojo. We’re goin’ home.” I put his coat on him, and then put my coat and fedora on.

Barney stopped us. “Uh, listen Jules, you better not take a car. Take the bus.”

“Hey Barn, if I can’t drive a car, then I better not drive a bus either.”

So like I took him back to my apt., and that’s where we spent the night. It was one big sexual night. Nonstop.

END.