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The secret

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“Jeez, I hate wearing a tight suit. Do you mind if we change into something more comfortable?” Toshiya huffed when he had returned from Mari’s dinner party. He had already removed his jacket and tie and was slouching on his sofa sipping a glass of orange juice. I had also taken off my jacket and hung it on one of the pegs in the entrance hall.

“No I don’t mind but I don’t have any spare clothes with me”, I mumbled a bit frustrated.

“I can borrow you a yukata. You can go and take a shower while I pick it up from upstairs”, Toshiya proposed.

To me that sounded like a good idea. I had been running on errands and done shopping most of the day before I came to Toshiya’s place. I didn’t feel exactly fresh anymore.

“That would be very kind of you”, replied and stood up to enter the bathroom. I had a towel and a tooth brush already there and soon also a yukata. That sounded dangerously cozy to me, come to think of it.

       I didn’t lock the door because Toshiya needed to get in. I undressed my clothes and hit the showers pulling the shower curtain in front me. It was relaxing to the feel the warm water running on my sweaty body after a long day. I took a bottle of Toshiya’s shower gel and scrubbed my body thoroughly with it forgetting the time and place. Consequently I wasn’t prepared when I heard Toshiya’s knock on the door.

“Come in, the door is open”, I called and continued my shower thinking feverishly what to do next.

“Here’s the yukata. It’s old but clean”, I heard Toshiya’s voice behind the curtain. Without thinking too much I turned the shower off and slid the curtain aside.

“Thanks. Can you hand me the towel?” I said wiping the water from my face. I hoped Toshiya couldn’t hear the furious banging of my heart against my ribs.

“Err…the towel”, Toshiya stammered and turned to reach for the towel hanging on a peg behind him. I thought I saw his hand shaking a little when he handed the towel to me trying not to stare at my naked self. “I will leave you to it”, he mumbled and turned to hang the yukata on the peg where the towel had been.

“I will be ready in five minutes”, I called after him feeling triumphant. I had won my irrational fear of showing myself to Toshiya, my best friend and bandmate.

      Toshiya was browsing his cell phone on the sofa and watching some noisy game show on TV, when I entered the living room. For a second I thought that maybe he had received a message from Kyo and wanted to get rid of me. My uneasy feeling vanished quickly when Toshiya raised his eyes and flashed a brilliant smile at me.

“I don’t remember seeing you in a yukata before. It suits you well”, he complimented me and stood up from the couch. “Please, make yourself at home while I take a shower too.”

      I did. I went to the entrance hall to hang my shirt and suit on a coat hanger, headed to the kitchen to get another can of Heineken and sat on the sofa to find something interesting on TV. When I didn’t find anything worth watching, I dug up the game I played a week ago. I just couldn’t help smiling at the thought of Sly’s soft cane I had tried to grab later that night. I didn’t remember anymore why I had been so angry and irritated when Toshiya told me that I had grabbed his dick thinking it was Sly’s cane and that he had fucked my unruly hand just for the fun of it. I would probably have done the same in his shoes.

      I played the game for a while but for some reason I couldn’t concentrate on what I was doing. Besides I was getting sleepy again. I had been exceptionally tired all week so maybe the recovery from my ordeal took longer than I expected. I set the game aside giving up to my drowsiness and curled on the sofa to rest my eyes.

“What do we have here? A sleeping beauty?” I suddenly heard Toshiya’s voice and felt a gentle touch on my cheek.

“Err, sorry. I didn’t mean to fall asleep”, I mumbled trying to regain my consciousness. When I opened my eyes I saw Toshiya’s face hovering over me quite close.

“No problem. Let’s go to bed. After that you will have to tell me about your secret.”

The thought of telling Toshiya about my daring daydream made my sleepiness disappear at least temporarily. “I’m not sure it’s a good idea”, I tried to wriggle out of my promise to tell Toshiya about it later on, after the dinner.

“You know I won’t take a no for an answer”, Toshiya grinned and reached out his hand to help me up from the sofa.

      When I was climbing the stairs to the bedroom in Toshiya’s wake, I wrecked my brain trying to find the right words to say but my thoughts just whirled around in my head in panic. I could see in my mind’s eye Toshiya’s horrified and disgusted face when I told him about the blowjob. He would probably throw me out right away and never invite me for a visit anymore.

      I slipped under the duvet while Toshiya sat down on his side of the bed turning his back at me. He took his time to remove his Rolex, rings and the pendants he was wearing and set them carefully on the night table. When he stood up to undress his yukata, I just had to take a peek at his naked body. I was absolutely overwhelmed by his tight butt and broad shoulders. Since when had my bandmate become such an athlete? I remembered vividly him with his skinny arms and long legs bouncing around the stage with hardly anything on but his long necked bass. Toshiya folded the garment on the chair beside the bed and circled the bed to pick up my yukata that I had dropped on the floor in a hurry. My existence in his bed didn’t seem to bother him at all.

      Finally, when Toshiya was happy with his arrangements, he raised the duvet and crawled into the bed turning on his side to face me. “I know you are tired but please tell me what is bothering you”, he asked.

I was like a deer in car headlights, paralyzed and unable to turn my eyes away from Toshiya’s keen gaze. I had absolutely no idea what to say to him but I had to try.

“The thing is… I saw this dream of you and it has haunted me ever since”, I started from the easy part.

“Why is the dream haunting you? Did I hurt you in that dream or what happened?”

“No, nothing like that! It happened in the middle of the day in the hotel bathroom and I made a terrible mess. I had to clean up before I left.”

“Now I don’t get it… Did you shoot your stuff all over the place or what?”

“You gave me… a blowjob in that dream and I came for real”, I finally spitted out the truth.

“Hmm, very interesting. Was my blowjob any good? I mean, did you really like it? I thought you didn’t want us to be that way”, Toshiya wondered sounding curious rather than angry.

“That’s what I thought before, but the dream gave me another perspective. I just can’t get it out of my mind. Every time I see you for real, it pops up into my mind and makes me confused.”

“Well… Probably the best way to deal with this problem is to make it happen for real. I mean, when you’re ready for it… in the future.”

“So you’re not angry with me about having dirty dreams of you?” I asked relieved about Toshiya’s reaction.

“First of all, making love with someone is not dirty and second, there’s nothing I can do to affect your dreams. So why would I be angry? Actually I’m very pleased that you’re dreaming of me. I wish I had dreamt about you but I haven’t or maybe I just don’t remember my dreams. Once I tried to imagine how it would feel to kiss you but for some reason I couldn’t.”

Toshiya’s reply caught me by surprise and a proposal slipped out of my mouth before I had time to think it through. “Would the same remedy help in this case too? I mean, making it real so that you wouldn’t have to imagine it. You could remember it.”

“Hmm. That sounds very tempting. Would you like to do it now or do you need time to consider?” Toshiya asked leaning slightly closer.

“Err, I think we should do it right away before I have second thoughts”, I said starting to panic.

“Can I do it, please? I’ve wanted it so long.”

“Yeah…” I whined adrenaline rushing through my body preparing me for a quick escape.

      I stopped breathing when I saw Toshiya’s face approaching mine and closed my eyes waiting for his attack on me. Nothing like that happened. I felt his warm breath on my forehead and his soft lips gave me a kiss there. After that his lips brushed down to my eyelids and from there to my cheek. When he reached the side of my mouth I was ready to beg him to kiss me for real.

      I let out a small whine when his lips found mine. I pushed my fingers into his hair and pulled his head closer. When his mouth turned more demanding, I responded willingly to it. Suddenly I wanted this kiss to last forever. I had never felt anything like it, so soft, passionate and gentle.

“That was very nice”, Toshiya breathed gazing into my eyes at a close distance. He stroke the burning skin on my cheek with his fingers and after that gave a gentle kiss on my forehead again.

“Someday I would like to kiss every single part of you”, he murmured and moved slightly further away from me giving me time and space to recover from the experience.

         The longing in my body almost killed me at that moment. I desperately wanted to give myself to Toshiya like I had done with Shinya. I just couldn’t understand why I had shunned away from him for all these years. Was I blind or stupid or both?