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The Devil's Deductions

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SUPERWHOLOCK
THE DEVIL’S DEDUCTIONS
Amendment 3
Written by: Spiddles, Killjoy and Reedus

 

Pages: To be reviewed upon finalisation
Wordcount: ^^
Lettercount: ^^
“Fam” counter: ^^
Age rating: I’m gonna say a 15 (all arguments to be made in the gc pls)
Characters: You know the ones
Written for: Fun and a cure for boredom
Inspirations: Supernatural, Sherlock, Doctor Who - if I listed everything this was inspired by, this category would look like a bad Ready Player One ripoff
Thanks to: Steven Moffat (Satan), Mark Gatiss (Satan’s Best Friend), Chris Chibnall (Foetus Satan), Erik Kripke (American Satan), basically everyone except that one guy in college who thinks I worship Satan (well, technically, I do)
Special thanks to: My co-writers - love you both <3

Chapter Text

EXT: SOME RANDOM FIELD IN AMERICA (OR CANADA)

[SAM and DEAN are engaged (no, not Wincest, get your heads out of your asses) in the middle of a hunt, while CASTIEL chases a bee in the background. The field seems to be corn, but you don’t care about that.]

SAM (WEARILY)
This would’ve been a lot easier if we’d left him in the Impala.

DEAN (DEFENSIVELY)
Woah! Woah, Sammy, Cas is family too, and you know us - we don’t leave family behind.

[Ohana means family, and family means no-one gets left behind or forgotten.]

SAM (SARCASTICALLY)
Alright, sorry.

[SAM’s sudden change in attitude just screams “I’m a little shit” to DEAN, but he doesn’t say much, just]

DEAN
You’ve been hanging around with Gabriel, haven’t you?

[While the authors have an existential crisis over whether or not to ship Sabriel and involve GABRIEL in this inevitable trainwreck (I love y’all <3) of a script, LUCIFER appears out of absolutely nowhere. CASTIEL stops chasing the bee long enough to gawk at his brother’s appearance outside of the cage (sike he’s now Tom Ellis).]

LUCIFER (SASSILY)
That’ll be my leftover grace/sarcasm from when I was in him that one time.

[LUCIFER grins at his innuendo while one of the authors yeets herself out of the nearest window. DEAN snorts, but refrains from punching LUCIFER in his perfect teeth. Just as LUCIFER vanishes like a coward, and SAM has finished activating his famous bitchface, along comes… The authors’ existential dread! No, it’s just a large thunderclap. Which means bad news in pretty much everything ever.]

CASTIEL (CONFUSED)
What was that? Are we in imminent danger?

[Protecc the smol bean everyone pls]

DEAN (FED-UP)
Is it Heaven? Tell them they can go screw themselves.

[DEAN’s pissed-off remark flies (the author writing that sentence yeets herself out a window for the second time in fifteen minutes) straight (more yeeting) over CASTIEL’s head.]

CASTIEL (CONCERNED)
No, it’s not Heaven. I think it’s the walls of the universe collapsing.

[TEAM FREE WILL do that stupid thing that people in horror films do, by immediately going to investigate the thunderclap.]

Chapter Text

EXT: OTHER SIDE OF AMERICA/CANADA/MIGHT ACTUALLY BE AMERICA THIS TIME

[SHERLOCK, WATSON, and LESTRADE are all running from a tornado. Or, rather, LESTRADE is, while carrying SHERLOCK in a fireman’s lift and WATSON speeds off like the Roadrunner. LESTRADE is hauling ass.]

SHERLOCK (PISSED)
HOW are we in America, Jawn? HOW?

[Wait for it.]

JOHN (ALSO PISSED)
I have no idea, Sherlock.

[W a i t f o r i t .]

LESTRADE (FOR THE HELL OF IT)
Not my division.

[And there it is.]

Chapter Text

INT: THE TARDIS, SOMEWHERE IN THE TIME VORTEX

[THIRTEEN is trying to stabilise the TARDIS and she’s failing, thanks to GRAHAM ranting on about the price of milk and something to do with the World Cup. RYAN is busy vlogging the fact that they’re about to die, and YAZ looks like she’s welcoming their oncoming demises. Just looking at THIRTEEN’s harried face tells everyone that GRAHAM has been ranting for at least the past five hours, and hasn’t once paused for breath.]

GRAHAM (ANNOYED)
And so I said to them, why’d you give him the free kick? That was a dirty foul, and you can’t be goin’ givin’ away free kicks to players that foul!

THIRTEEN (EXASPERATED)
By the lads on Gallifrey, do you ever shut up?

GRAHAM (ODDLY PROUDLY)
No. Not even when solving murders.

[The TARDIS crashes in the field directly opposite from where TEAM FREE WILL are being utter morons, and about an entire 12 states away from where SHERLOCK AND CO are currently running away from a large tornado.]

THIRTEEN (SOMEWHAT SATISIFIED)
Well fam, we’re not dead!

[THIRTEEN walks over to the TARDIS doors, flings them open, and immediately sees TEAM FREE WILL running into a thunderclap. Because films are films and weather does whatever, it starts raining on THIRTEEN for no good reason.]

Chapter Text

EXT: ANOTHER RANDOM FIELD IN WHEREVER THE HELL IT IS

THIRTEEN (YELLING)
OI! IDIOTS! GET IN THIS BOX!

[TEAM FREE WILL look up at THIRTEEN, and SAM’s eyes nearly pop out of his head.]

DEAN (YELLING)
BUT IT’S JUST A POLICE BOX!

THIRTEEN (YELLING AS WELL)
DOESN’T MATTER!

[DEAN looks at SAM and CASTIEL and shrugs, and suddenly darts off toward the TARDIS. After SAM shakes off his momentary confusion, he follows DEAN, dragging CASTIEL behind them. They enter the TARDIS, greeted by the orange crystal columns and bigger-on-the-inside technology - and also a very disapproving GRAHAM, who’s still ranting about the World Cup. YAZ and RYAN look like they want to die. RYAN is also still vlogging.]

Chapter Text

INT: THE TARDIS CONTROL ROOM

THIRTEEN (EXCITED)
Fam! Look who I picked up!

GRAHAM (STILL RANTING)
… And then I said, the Doc’s brought two more peee - Doc, why’d you pick up three people who look just as confused as we are internally?

[YAZ heaves herself off part of the control panel, and leans on one of the orange crystal columns. RYAN walks up to TEAM FREE WILL.]

RYAN (EXASPERATED BUT NOT SURPRISED)
Just make sure she doesn’t take you anywhere with mines in the floors. Or with people with guns. Or with aliens known as the Stenza. Also, make sure you write down where your room is, this place’s layout changes faster than the Doctor’s mood.

[With that, RYAN saunters off, likely to his room, with YAZ soon following, likely going to her room. CASTIEL peers at THIRTEEN, and then smiles slightly. SAM and DEAN amuse themselves by wandering around aimlessly, examining the various areas of the control panel. Within six seconds, SAM manages to convince the TARDIS that he is in fact evil incarnate, and DEAN manages to convince the TARDIS that he is aiding and abetting. THIRTEEN barely notices, too preoccupied in the (very interesting) conversation she’s having with CASTIEL.]

CASTIEL (AMAZED)
Are you…

[CASTIEL whispers something in THIRTEEN’s ear. It’s his credit card number! THIRTEEN’s eyes widen comically, and she just stares at the fallen angel before her.]

THIRTEEN (CONCERNED)
How do you know my name?

CASTIEL (QUIETLY)
The angels speak of you often, Doctor. You’re somewhat of a legend in Heaven - as I suppose you are everywhere else, are you not?

[GRAHAM, who has been creepily creeping on the conversation, snorts.]

GRAHAM (SARCASTICALLY)
Oh, yeah. She’s a legend alright. Whenever we go anywhere and she mentions her name, we all have to run for our lives. Let me tell you this one time --

[THIRTEEN senses an incoming rant and coughs awkwardly.]

THIRTEEN (AWKWARDLY)
Should we try and contact Jack?

[GRAHAM nods, begrudgingly, having heard the tales of one CAPTAIN JACK HARKNESS, while CASTIEL just looks confused - how exactly does THIRTEEN know about JACK KLINE? No-one spoke of him, and he’s stayed put in TEAM FREE WILL… Leading on from that, no-one talks about TEAM FREE WILL either, so… CASTIEL internally combusts.]

Chapter Text

INT: SWANKY NEW SWANKY REBUILT TORCHWOOD HUB THAT’S SUPER SWANKY (DID WE MENTION IT WAS SWANKY)

[JACK HARKNESS is busy typing up some files on ABADDON, TOSH is busy trying to fix some weird alien device (that’s actually the Colt that SAM and DEAN lost a few years ago), GWEN is busy practicing her aim with slight interruptions from OWEN, RHYS is busy fiddling about with the coffee maker and getting on IANTO’s wick, and OWEN is doing absolutely nothing productive other than interrupt GWEN and annoy TOSH.]

IANTO (NEARLY TEARING HIS HAIR OUT)
Has the Doctor contacted you yet? She said she would…

JACK (MONOTONOUSLY)
No, she hasn’t. Not yet, anyway.

[OWEN manages to piss off MYFANWY (the authors don’t know how to pronounce this and instead call the pterodactyl “myfanny”), causing a chain reaction of pterodactyl poop in coffee mugs, on sofas and JACK’s head, TOSH screaming and dropping the Colt, releasing ABADDON, GWEN manages to shoot RHYS in the shoulder, and RHYS lets out a disturbingly high-pitched scream - he almost sounds like MYFANWY (which is pronounced “mavanoi” upon googling). Because he isn’t paying attention, IANTO fucks up the coffee.]

JACK (YELLING)
I SWEAR TO GOD, OWEN, IF YOU PISS OFF THAT PTERODACTYL ONE MORE TIME --

[There’s a whooshing noise and everyone in the Hub falls deadly silent. JACK looks like he’s emerged straight (ha, ha, ha) from the eighth circle of hell. TOSH nearly steps in pterodactyl poop, and MYFANWY perches on the top of the lift, unnervingly quiet. A strange bubbling noise attracts everyone’s attention - TEN’s hand is having a merry dance inside its container (which shouldn’t be possible since TEN regenerated in 2010 and this fic is set in 2019, but timelines gotta timeline). JACK peers at it, confused, before IANTO darts forward, grabs it, and hightails it into the TARDIS, which has just materialised inside the swanky new Torchwood Hub.]

JACK (HAPPILY AND ALSO CONFUSED)
Doctor!

[JACK legs it inside the TARDIS as well, and the Cloister Bells can be heard echoing through the deadly silence of the swanky new Hub.]

OWEN (UNBOTHERED)
I’m dead anyway, seeing if this is Jack’s beloved “doctor” won’t hurt.

[OWEN grabs his supply of beer and runs inside the TARDIS, immediately yelling “OI OI” upon seeing THIRTEEN. TOSH, GWEN, and RHYS all stare at the TARDIS, blinking blankly, before TOSH mutters “oh, screw it” and runs inside too.]

GWEN (AMAZED)
Rhys, you know when I said there’s some truly incredible things out there?

RHYS (IN PAIN)
Yeah…

GWEN (SORT OF BREATHLESSLY)
Here’s your chance to see wonders. I wasn’t lying, you know - there are incredible things, wonders, miracles, almost… The world is infinite, and it is beautiful. Let’s go see it!

[GWEN pulls RHYS up by his bad arm, causing him to angrily swear in Welsh, and drags him into the TARDIS, which hums in greeting and dematerialises slowly, leaving MYFANWY to guard the swanky Hub. Somehow we authors doubt the pterodactyl minds too much.]

Chapter Text

INT: THE TARDIS CONTROL ROOM

[IANTO sees THIRTEEN, and makes a beeline for her. Everyone else in TEAM TORCHWOOD just stares at the TARDIS interior, taking it all in and realising that the swanky new Torchwood hub ain’t got nothing on the TARDIS. SAM realises that the funny noise coming from the TARDIS control panel is actually the TARDIS laughing at him, and DEAN manages to get completely lost and walk directly into the swimming pool, emerging from the freezing water with a loud and probably extremely unnecessary splutter.]

IANTO (HURRIEDLY)
Hi, I’m Ianto Jones, I’m with Torchwood Three, are you the “doctor” that Jack keeps rambling about?

THIRTEEN (AMUSED)
Yes, that would be me.

[GWEN slaps THIRTEEN.]

GWEN (ANGRILY)
I know I said I understood why you didn’t help us during the fight with the 4-5-6, because you probably look at this planet during the night and turn away in shame - I mean, why wouldn’t you, humanity is truly awful sometimes - but that didn’t mean “don’t help us” or “don’t give us any sign you even exist”!

[IANTO’s and JACK’s jaws drop upon seeing GWEN slap THIRTEEN. RYAN, appearing out of nowhere (which seems to be a common theme in this fic), just smirks. GRAHAM gasps, but it sounds unfortunately fake, and CASTIEL’s eyes glow a faint gold.]

THIRTEEN (CALMLY)
And you were right. Sometimes I am ashamed to associate myself with you. But I will always help you anyway, because god knows where you’d be right now without me.

[CASTIEL starts to say something about how CHUCK would most likely intervene in the 4-5-6 situation and was too busy dealing with his rebellious children to notice, he apologises profusely, but is interrupted by THIRTEEN.]

THIRTEEN
And, anyway, maybe sometimes it is better to leave you alone and let you realise the depth and depravity of your actions every once in a while.

[IANTO, not really paying attention, realises that THIRTEEN is in fact the DOCTOR, and stares at TEN’s hand.]

IANTO (SHRUGGING)
Guess we won’t need this anymore.

[IANTO yeets TEN’s hand into the Time Vortex.]

THIRTEEN (TYPICAL 5-YEAR OLD CRYBABY VOICE)
B U T R O S E

[While THIRTEEN has an existential and mental breakdown, and spends nine hours whimpering the word “Rose”, mixed occasionally with the words “River”, “Clara”, and “Pond”, TEAM TORCHWOOD decide to explore the TARDIS. CASTIEL joins them in their exploration and ends up in the pool room too alongside DEAN, who’s sat on the edge of the pool, watching the water’s perfect ripples sparkle in the halflight of the glowing orange crystal columns in the room. JACK and IANTO end up in the massive library, GWEN and RHYS conveniently end up in the medical bay, and TOSH and OWEN end up in the gigantic walk-in wardrobe. Orange crystal columns sit in the corners and middle of every room, illuminating the otherwise infinitely dark rooms with a warm orange glow.]

YAZ (THINKING)
So do you just hate us all, or…?

THIRTEEN (SADLY)
Not all of you, no. Just the majority that think violence is the right way to go.

Chapter Text

INT: NICE COUNTRY HOUSE IN A FIELD IN WHEREVER THE ACTUAL HELL IT IS (BUT IT’S NOT IN ACTUAL HELL - NOT YET, ANYWAY)

[JACK KLINE is watching The Chase because the authors aren’t the BBC and have the balls to make a “Bradley-Walsh-was-in-the-Chase-hardardeehoohar” joke, MARY is busy ironing something that looks like gloves, and LUCIFER is being a general nuisance by being invisible and knocking random shit off the shelves. MARY doesn’t seem to care, and JACK KLINE is basically Min Yoongi levels of unbothered by now.]

MARY (TIREDLY)
So, did they get the question right?

JACK KLINE (CONFUSED)
No. The man is laughing over a woman’s name. I don’t understand, why is it funny?

MARY (SIGHING)
What’s her name?

[Y’all know who the woman is. It’s the woman, the myth, the legend, it’s]

JACK KLINE (STILL CONFUSED)
Fanny Schmelar.

[The author writing that proceeds to do a Bradley Walsh and die laughing. MARY snorts, LUCIFER makes a strangled sounding cough, and JACK KLINE just looks like he’s three years old and someone’s stolen his lollipop.]

MARY (STRUGGLING TO BREATHE)
You’ll… You’ll find out when you’re older, Jack.

Chapter Text

EXT: THE FIELD IN WHICH THE COUNTRY HOUSE IS LOCATED

[LESTRADE is somehow still running from the tornado, carrying SHERLOCK in his arms, and JOHN is somehow still Roadrunner-ing off into the distance. JOHN stops randomly, looks at his phone, sees a bunch of messages from THIRTEEN and several others currently onboard the TARDIS, along with a notification that he’s been added to a groupchat called “Bitch Lasagna”, and stops abruptly. TEN’s head falls out of literally nowhere and bounces off SHERLOCK’s head.]

JOHN (CONFUSED AS ALL FUCK)
Why am I in a groupchat? Who are these people? What does “bitch lasagna” mean?

[LESTRADE and SHERLOCK catch up to JOHN, SHERLOCK holding TEN’s hand like he’s a toddler and it’s his lollipop.]

LESTRADE (ALSO CONFUSED)
What do the messages say?

[The authors will proceed to add the entire text conversation below.]

Chapter Text

BITCH LASAGNA

<The Doctor created a groupchat>

<The Doctor added Ryan Sinclair, Yasmin Khan, Graham O’Brien, Castiel Winchester, Dean Winchester, Sam Winchster, Jack Harkness, Owen Harper, Gwen Cooper, Rhys Williams, Ianto Jones, Jack Kline, Mary Winchester, Sherlock Holmes, Mycroft Holmes, Eurus Holmes, The Master, Gregory Lestrade, Anderson, John Watson, Mary Watson, and James Moriarty to the groupchat>

<The Doctor named the groupchat “Team TARDIS 19.0.2”>

<Jack Harkness renamed the groupchat “Jack’s Subordinates”>

<Castiel Winchester added Lucifer, Gabriel, Chuck, Michael, Uriel, and Samandriel to the groupchat>

Uriel: Stop adding me to all your weird groupchats

<Uriel left the groupchat>

Michael: I can’t be here right now you’re all making me lose braincells by the second

<Michael left the groupchat>

Yasmin Khan: Roses are red,

Ryan Sinclair: My life is neato,

Jack Harkness: Send nudes

Lucifer: Hail Satan

Ryan Sinclair: Despacito

<Yasmin Khan renamed the groupchat “Bitch Lasagna”>

Yasmin Khan: Sorry Doctor was there a point to this chat