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I say "Non, je ne regrette rien!"

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I say Non, je ne regrette rien.

MAY WESTS’ "No, I regret nothing" (Non zhuh nuh ruh-GRET-uh ree-AAn.)


Hello ladies, gents and my special friends.


(MAY WEST bites her bottom lip and winks to the gentlemen swanking around the elephant tusks.)


I’ve got a lot to preach in my speech

So let’s just begin with,

Non, je ne regrette rien.


(A waiter glides around the left side of her laying body to provide MAY WEST a tray lain with a collection of dry martini’s, to which she unhesitatingly grasps by her fingers and downs the drink in three loud unladylike gulps and shoves the empty glass back into the waiters chest. The waiter is prompted to leave as MAY WEST continues her monologue.)


I regret nothing boys and girls!

Nothing in this place or world

Could sway me and my smile that curls.

Like my hair in its twirls.


Since on this quaint night

I just met the blight of a man

Named Sir Kurt Sam.

We met on the way to the strand

and he kissed my gloved hand

Non Je Ne Regrette Rien!


(She giggles and fans herself with her large burlesque sized feathers.)


His pose, although very ironical

Showed that by his monocle

He could look down to my face,

and whilst fanning myself in my feathers and lace,

he kept my sight in place.


Darlings I’m good- and when I’m good I can be bad

But when I am bad I can be better than you.


(She lets out another sigh and presses her tongue into her cheek. Her eyes fluttered which is followed by a smirk.)


He was a kind fellow and filled all my sorrow.

Wealthy and owns a company that makes

Davidoff Colorado Claros.


(All men of the party lift up their cigars and heartily jeer “Cheers, good man!” before MAE WEST continues.)


An American that strolls with a merry can can.


(On 'can, can' MAY WEST moves the top half over her body from side to side emphasising her large chest.)


He bought me French wine and Greek cheese

Laid out like a gorgeous cuisine.


(MAY WEST lays her chin on the back of her left palm with her elbow leaning against the back of her seat.)


Yet, I had no chance to truly convert with this particular gent

“See here,” he said,

“You’re having a delightful time at my expense.”

So handsome and generous kindness

And I had nothing to say really but “Yes.

Don’t you like my dress?”

And while blowing a raunchy kiss.

I hitched up my skirt for him

To notice my scarlet garter and my lavender shift

Non, je ne regrette rien.


(MAY WEST sits back up right and spread her arms out right almost presenting herself for an unholy sacrifice. Her dress slips up just enough for the audience to also see the garter and shift.)


“Why that’s alright,”

I said to myself

“He’s a gentleman

He’ll never bother me,

In fact men are my top specialty.”


(A young woman with a highly up point nose and dressed in a thick fur coat sits on the opposite side of the tete a tete seat, MAY WEST paws at this lady’s shoulder playfully.)


Nelly darling! But really, could you imagine?

Me and him and him and me

Strolling by the sea

What a marvellous dream!

By the Bay of Biscay

I do say, what a way to treat a lucky dear like me.

And being as two we managed down la rue

To see the view, which by word was nothing new

Especially when he called me tres jolie!


(MAY WEST fans herself vigorously again. Her lips provide a high sorrow groan.)


Then I realised it was all lies.

He wasn’t a Sir at all. Not a good chap

Just a troublemaking sap that thought I was a tramp!

Moi? A Tramp!?

He thought he could touch my tootsieloo the cad!


(Nelly’s hand touches MAY WEST shoulder softly and a look of sympathy across her face.)


And it’s not that I didn’t want him too.

Sometimes I really like a man that’s bad.

And Sometimes I like them good

But not too good

Since the good die young

And I hate a dead one.

Non, je ne regrette rien.



(She angrily slaps her knees twice. She lifted her arm up to rest on her forehead as she slowly laid back down into the chair.)


I did inform him “no”,

Not trying to attract any show,

Being the wondrous actress that I am.

But I was hurt, hurt I tell you,

That Sir Kurt Sam was a very bad man.


(MAY WEST releases a very stressed whine, so close to sounding like she’d about to fall into sobs and become increasingly hysterical.)


So bad, he plucked me like a common daisy,

And tossed me into the sea.


(Simultaneously everyone turns to face MAY WEST with dramatic gasps and shocked “No’s.” MAY WEST cries loudly “YES!” in confirmation.)


So you see after being in the sea,

I’ve had to be rescued by fishermen, three.


(MAY WEST holds up three fingers to the audience with a disgusted facial expression.)


They ‘had to’ dressed me in this hideous vest,

And now my dears and special friends,

Before I have a drink and try to rest

From this humiliatingly interesting test

I say this is a grand party and truly,

Non, je ne regrette rien.


(Before fulfilling her desire to grasp another glass, MAY WEST falls back into the Tete a tete seat fully and passes out, the cupid chandelier light switches off for a black out. The scene ends.)


‘I Say “Non Je Ne Regrette Rein.”’ Monologue of heart broken MAY WEST takes place within a pristine drawing room with two walls at either side that are designed with navy blue and gold Greek fret meander wall paper designs, the continuous line, is shaped into a repeating motif .


The USC wall is a projection screen. Projected onto this, is an image of open French doors with a view of the Eiffel Tower. The French doors have silk white curtains, the curtains move softly from side to side.


On the floor of the stage is a gigantic mosaic portrait of the love goddess Venus’ body. Her long blonde hair covers her most adult areas for all pure appropriateness. Venus looks out from her open clam bed entranced by the waves and their seafoam.


DSR an art deco Philip radio sits on a glass table with three brass cranes holding the top with their heads and wide wings.


Shining down upon all the guests and drawing room is a pure gold chandelier- Cupid the angel of love sits about the electric bulbs with his arrow pointing down to the Teté a teté seats an S-shaped sofa on which two people can sit face to face .


Mounted on the CSR wall are a vast pair of African, elephant ivory tusks. Beneath the tusks is a r ound, brass bar cabinet. On them is a collection of alcoholic beverages and scotch glasses.


Teté a teté seats are placed on DSL, two deep ocean blue Swan armchairs are positioned on CSL and ironically the red heart shaped Mae Lips Sofa is set in the CS. The Teté a teté seats are covered in red velvet material and golden legs made of small angels lifting the seats up. Navy blue tasselling hangs around the angels faces. The two deep ocean blue armchairs have the silver heads of swans as armrests, their feet touch the floor, holding the chairs up.


On the right side of the drawing room the men encircle the elephant tusks on the wall and the round, brass bar cabinet. From their lips comes grey clouds of smoke after taking harsh inhales of Davidoff Colorado Claros smoke cigars. Loud cackles bark from their huddling group with silent conversations of ‘rhubarb.’


On the left side of the room a crowd of women are heard giggling constantly without any halt. Their hands hold many different accessories from little canines, purses, martini glasses to ivory and jade cigarette holders that let ribbons of the same grey smoke to twirl away from them.


Edith Piaf's "Non, je ne regrette rein" plays over the Philips radio that sits on the crane table. None of the guests seem to at all be fazed, let alone really listening to the song- they’re all far too concerned with themselves and their conversations to care.


They all have combinations of light lavenders, crimson reds and rich shiny golds dashing through their glamourous outfits. The pattern designs of their attires are mostly geometric in squares and triangles.


The ladies all are dressed with erotic feathered headdresses while their hairstyles are curled and cut short just below their elf like ears. Their dress hems stop below their knees and sparkle in the candle light of the chandelier above.


The gentlemen wear thick ruby, sapphire and emerald stoned rings on all their thumbs. Cravats wrap around their clean shaved faces are pinned down by jewel crests of different house names. Artificial grey streaks run through their slicked back combed hair, to master the sophisticated look of a real man.


All of the guests’ noses are lifted to the ceiling as their eyes line down to each other’s lips. Their posture straight and perfect with no one slouching. And one waiter is seen popping around the guests serving mostly the ladies with party food and drink beverages.


As MAY WEST enters stage left, she accidentally stumbles into the radio which makes the playing “Non, je ne regrette rein.” Crackle in static and stop playing sound all together.


She enter panting lightly. She is dressed in a hideous green fisherman’s vest that is soaking wet and dripping water all over the floor. Her feathered fan she carries in her palm however is still fluffy and unfazed by any water droplets. She rips off the vest to reveal her true outfit beneath. She is dressed in a golden floor length skirt with lace hemming on her endowed bust. On her hands are long white gloves ending at her elbows and around her neck is a glittering diamond necklace.


But without out any lack of grace, she collapses onto the Teté a teté seat and releases a heavy sigh. MAY WEST coughs and shyly grins as she notices the horror on the face of other party attendances. Her rosy cheeks provide her flush humiliation.


The cupids’ light bulb blows and showers a single spotlight over the feminine character. The lighting of MAY WEST utilises the butterfly technique that shapes a butterfly shadow form beneath her nose, this setup is a proven method to ensure she is well-lit in a pleasing manner.



Throughout the setting description, the most common colour of the drawing room is gold. This colour is meant to imply what kind of “outer self” that MAY WEST intends to portray before others and the audience. Gold is the colour which symbolizes money, materialism and high social position which is precisely what MAY WEST and all the guests in the room have contained. Along with the light lavender in the guests’ outfits are often associated with their royal and noble standings in the class of people.


The dark blues in the room represents the hidden melancholy of MAY WEST after her meeting with ‘Sir’ Kurt Sam. Red is the symbol of passion, desire, and love. It is a very emotionally intense colour concerning MAY WEST’s poor story of desiring a lying gentleman. Since the golds portray the guests’ outer selves, the dark blue colours, which is full of sadness and fantasy, indicates the real inner self of everyone at the party – harsh reality follows them no matter how much they enjoy the never ending evening gatherings.


The white curtains of the French doors created by the projection screen is animated in a flowing movement to convey a soft breeze coming from outside. The Eiffel Tower in the inside of the open French doors support in establishing “place” as having the classic icon for Paris expresses the domain of the rich upper class in “the city of love.”


“Time” can be represented within the architectural design of the drawing room and the guests’ attires. 


The Teté a teté loveseats are a chair where a couple may converse while looking each other in the eyes and being within arm's reach, while at the same time typically retaining a modest barrier between them, very much how MAY WEST should’ve when with Sir Kurt Sam instead of naively flaunting herself into him.


The ceiling and the floor connects to the short romance between MAY WEST and Sir Kurt Sam.

The floor is covered in a large mosaic piece of the roman goddess of love, Venus. She is utilised to demonstrate the hidden message of her own mythology of adultery affair with Mars the god of war known to be unkind, similar to MAY WESTS desires to be with Sir Kurt Sam who is also a brutish male.

Cupids’ chandelier design above is a reference back to the mosaic, being that his parents were Venus and Mars. He too became a symbol of love with his striking arrow that points directly down to the tete a tete seats where MAY WEST lays during her monologue.


Davidoff Colorado Claros smoke cigars are a company that began in America, California; mentioning the items was to bring a sense of knowledge that Sir Kurt Sam was an American foreigner with a dark and mysterious persona that created an attraction in MAY WESTS’ eyes. 


These symbols and references to items reflect the monologue and its performance.