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Barney Miller - UFO

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Thursday, 5/12/85

Last night Mom and I saw a weird light. We thought it might be a UFO, but actually it was a light. So, that’s what this is about. Sort of.

Barney Miller
Character: Jules Tyler (Faye Grant)
Age: 26

I go in, and I’m like an hour and a ½ late. I go, “Is Barney in?”

And Harris goes, “He’s in his office w/Wojo.”

“Okay. I’ll wait.”

Harris – “You know, uh. Wojo says he saw a UFO last night.”

My eyes went wide. “Really?” I asked coolly.

“Yeah. He said it was cigar-shaped w/red and blue flashing lights. He said it sort of hovered over the ground. I think it’s time to call the Disoriented Express for him.”

“Not yet.” I said as I turn to Barney’s office.

I burst in and Barney goes, “Jules? We were having a meeting.

I disregarded Barn’s statement, turned to Wojo and said “I saw it too.”

“Oh boy,” Barn said.

“You did?” W. asked.

“Yeah. I was coming home from…Well, never mind. It was about 4:30am when I had car trouble. So, I got out, and started to look to find out what was wrong. So, while I was fixing the carborator, I hear this funny noise. I can’t explain it.” Then Wojo did the noise, or something close to it. “Yeah! That’s it! So I look around and over towards upper Manhattan, and I see this object just hovering there. It looked like a – one of those cigars Nelson Rockefeller smoked. I can’t think of it, and it had flashing blue and red lights on either side.”

“That’s just what I saw!” Wojo said. “I’m not alone Barn.”

Then the fact hit me: so I asked, “And just what were you doing out at 4 o'clock in the morning Sgt. Wotchohowitz?”

“I could ask you the same thing Miss Tyler.”

“I was coming home from a gentleman’s house becos I knew I had to go to work in three hours.”

“I’ve got the same reason.”

“You were coming home from a gentleman’s house?” I asked standing in an unconcerned, arms folded pose.

“A lady’s house.”

“All right you two!” Barney said. “Calm down! Let’s stick to the UFO story and cut the jealousy trip. Jules, like I was telling Wojo, there’s probably a logical explination for this.”

“Name one!” I said. “ A bird w/signal light? I think not!”

“Maybe it was a tower or something.”

“I tower doesn’t hover, Barn” W said.

“Well, let’s just hold off on this for a while guys.”

“Too late Barn,” W. Said. “I called the Air Force.”

“So did I,” I added. I looked at my Swatch and said, “They should be here in a ½ hour.”

“Yeah,” Wojo said. “Oh, hey. Can I have a minute alone w/Jules if there aren’t any calls, Barn?”

“Uh sure. My office will be sufficient enough.” And he left.

“So,” W. started off as he sat in Barn’s chair and put his feet up on his desk. “Where were you?”

“I sat on Barneys sofa, fixed my mini-skirt so it wouldn’t reveal too much, and crossed my legs. “I could have asked you the same thing Stan.”

“I was….out.”

“Oh, good one, Stan. At least I have enough guts to tell you I was at a man’s house.”

“Look, I know we agreed to see other people, but I don’t think I can do it.”

“To tell you the truth, I don’t think I can either. I mean last night, in the midst of…yeah, well, I said your name instead of the guy I was w/.”

“I did the same thing.” I looked at him funny. “I was w/a woman. Okay?”

“No. It’s not okay. I told you before I’m smitten.” I stood up, sauntered over to Wojo, sat on his lap and put my arms around his neck.

“So,” he started. “What are we going to do about that? – OUCH!”


“Where do you have your gun strapped?”

“Under my skirt. Let me take it off.” I got up and sexily took off my holster. I sat back down on his lap and my arms resumed their position. “Well, in answer to your question, How’s about you coming up to my little apartment tonight and I’ll fix you breakfast tomorrow morning. Sound good?”

“Sure does.”

Just as we kissed, Barney came in and broke us up. He said the Air Force was here. He left, I put my holster back on and we went out side. The guy told us it was a wheather balloon.

Then there was a kidnapping. The news got out and people paniked all over the place. The people wanted $200,000 for the dude who was a public official. Someone was to jog by with the money in a paper bag. I go, “Uh, that’s me Barn. I jog every day.” So I put on my short shorts, my NYPD sweatshirt, my jogging Reeboks.

Wojo didn’t want me to go. (He jogs every day too.) He thought he should go. I wouldn’t let him. So, I go out, and come back an hour and a ½ later. Barney goes “What happened?”

“Well, I jogged for 11 ½ miles, and finally this guy comes up behind me and goes ‘Don’t turn around. Just toss the money in the back seat of this sedan up here and keep going.’ The plates were covered up. And no, I didn’t see the guy inside. Can I go take a shower?”

“Yeah. Sure. Good work.”

So I take my shower, come back up in a pair of jeans and a v-neck sweater. I was fluffing up my wet hair when Wojo goes, “Come on, we’re going home. Quittin’ time.”

“No argument from me.”

We went to his house and I made him breakfast the next morning.