Ahri: WHERE IS MY TOOTHBRUSH!!!
Evelynn: DO I REALLY CARE???
Ahri: I CARE!
Evelynn: I DON’T CARE!
Ahri: WELL FUCK YOU!!
Evelynn: FUCK YOU!!!
Evelynn: NOW STOP SCREECHING AT MY DOOR!!!
Evelynn: SOME PPLE NEED TO FUCKING SLEEP!!!
Ahri: IT’S NOON!!!!
Ahri: WAKE YOUR ASS UP AND FIND MY TOOTHBRUSH!!!
Evelynn: GO FUCK YOURSELF WITH YOUR TOOTHBRUSH!!!
Ahri: I WILL IF I CAN FIND MY FUCKING TOOTHBRUSH!!!!!
Akali: AHRI STOP SCREECHING OUTSIDE OF OUR DOOR!!!!!!!
Ahri: I WILL STOP SCREECHING IF ONE OF YOU LESBO COME OUT AND FIND MY TOOTHBRUSH!!
Akali: I WILL COME OUT TO SHOVE A FUCKING KUNAI UP YOUR ASS IF YOU STOP SCREECHING!!!!!
Ahri: AND I WILL SHOVE MY BIG BOOTY BALLS UP YOUR ASS IF YOU SHOVE A KUNAI UP MY ASS!!!!
Evelynn: STOP CALLING THEM THAT!!!
Ahri: BIG BOOTY BALLS!!!
Ahri: SUCK THEM EVE!!!
Evelynn: SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!
Kai’sa: I am gone for ONE hour and you all can’t fucking function????
Ahri: KAI’SA I LOST MY TOOTHBRUSH
Kai’sa: Yeah, I got that.
Evelynn: Kai’sa come back and deal with this mutt
Ahri: DON’T MUTT SHAME ME!
Kai’sa: Yeah, no…
Akali: Do you really have to be gone for a week?
Kai’sa: Yeah, I have a thing called family.
Evelynn: Yeah, no idea what that is.
Akali: Family is lame
Ahri: I was an orphan.
Kai’sa: Akali, what about your mom??
Kai’sa: You have a mom, right?
Akali: What about her?
Ahri: Damn savage.
Kai’sa: What about your dad?
Akali: What about him?
Kai’sa: Do you even care about your parents?
Akali: Did they care enough to actually raise me as their own daughter for ten minutes?
Kai’sa: Okay then...
Ahri: Hey, forget the toothbrush, I want to hear Akali’s family drama.
Akali: Not much to tell
Akali: My chichi and haha were always busy and off on business trips for most of my childhood so Shen practically raised me
Evelynn: I’m her new mommy
Akali: Fuck yea
Ahri: Wrong type of mom, but okay…
Kai’sa: I’m sorry but it just occurred to me that Akali has actual parents and she didn’t bother to even mention this until now????
Akali: My mother is Mayym Jhomen Tethi and my father is Tahno Jhomen Tethi. That’s all you need to know.
Ahri: That means your full name is Akali Jhomen Tethi?
Evelynn: Evelynn Jhomen Tethi sounds nice.
Akali: I like the sound of that.
Ahri: Hey, I just realized that I don’t know Evelynn’s last name.
Evelynn: Hey, we’re focusing on Akali’s family life, not mine.
Kai’sa: But you two are so secretive about your family lives
Kai’sa: Meanwhile, Sivir and I have dads fighting each other for weeks.
Akali: Tbh Azir is not Sivir’s direct father
Kai’sa: But he practically saved her and she is his heir to his throne
Kai’sa: And he loves her like she was his own daughter
Sivir: Azir is a fucking pain in my ass.
Sivir: Azir is a pain in my fucking ass
Taliyah: I can confirm
Taliyah: Azir is a nice dad to Sivir but damn, is he waaaaay overprotective
Taliyah: He tried to mama bird Sivir’s food while she was in the hospital after Cass’s attack.
Sivir: HE STILL TRIES TO DO THAT TO ME NOW!!!
Evelynn: That’s fucking gross.
Kai’sa: Does anyone here have normal families???
Ahri: Everyone in this chat is kinda like family to me.
Akali: That’s sweet
Evelynn: Ew gross we ain’t fam, Ahri
Sona: My mom and I are pretty normal.
Ahri: You have a mom????
Sona: LESTARA BUVELLE????
Sona: THE WOMAN WHO ADOPTED ME???
Ahri: YOU’RE ADOPTED TOO!!!???
Evelynn: Holy fuck
Sona: YOU TWO MET HER!!!!
Ahri: We did?
Evelynn: I do not recall…
Sona: HOW IN THE WORLD DID YOU THINK I GOT THE LAST NAME BUVELLE???????
Sona: WE’VE KNOWN EACH OTHER SINCE WE WERE KIDS AND YOU TWO SERIOUSLY DID NOT KNOW I WAS ADOPTED???
Sivir: To be fair, these two didn’t even think that you could text properly for years.
Sona: FAIR ENOUGH
Ahri: OH MY GOD SONA WAS AN ORPHAN LIKE MEEEEEE!!!
Sona: THAT WAS LITERALLY THE FIRST THING I TOLD YOU THE MOMENT WE MET!!!!!!!!
Sona: I THOUGHT WE COULD BOND ON THAT!!!!
Ahri: You didn’t talk tho
Ahri: You gave me a paper with a message on it
Sona: YOU GET THE IDEA!!!
Ahri: I couldn’t read when I was a foxy kit.
Evelynn: I can’t believe you kept this from us.
Sona: I DIDN’T!
Sona: I TOLD YOU GUYS!
Evelynn: But you’re mute?
Kai’sa: You guys broke Sona again.
Akali: This is hilarious
Sivir: I feel like we’re learning a lot about each other.
Ahri: YES WE ARE
Taliyah: Hahaha, you guys are so hilarious
Ahri: What about you, Tal?
Taliyah: I have a great family.
Taliyah: Mom, dad
Taliyah: A tribe that raised me and my cousins altogether
Sivir: I can agree, they took care of me before Azir kidnapped me
Taliyah: Okay, you’re being dramatic.
Taliyah: Azir did not kidnapped you
Taliyah: He just named you as his heir
Sivir: DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY TIMES HE HAS TRIED TO FUCKING BABY BIRD FOOD INTO MY DAMN MOUTH????
Sivir: OUT OF ALL THE RICH AND FAMOUS BILLIONAIRES, I GET A FUCKING CLUELESS BIRD LIKE HIM!!!!!
Taliyah: You are so dramatic.
Kai’sa: Is she, tho?
Kai’sa: Azir can be a little intense
Evelynn: And your dad was ready run Sivir over with his car while she was on her scooter.
Akali: It’s not a fucking motorcycle, dumbass
Sivir: Fuck off Akali
Kai’sa: Okay, to be fair, I accept that my dad is aggressively overprotective
Kai’sa: Plus Sivir has gotten a lot better at running away from him
Evelynn: She better be if she’s going to have to run down the aisle, marry you, and run off with you
Ahri: Kai’sa would have the shortest celebrity wedding!!!!
Akali: Do you take Kai’sa as your lawfully wedded wife?
Akali: Sivir says, “Yes” kisses kai’sa and yeets away with kai’sa in her arms.
Taliyah: SIVIR JUST GOES AHEAD AND THROWS KAI’SA OUT OF THE CHAPEL AND IS LIKE YEEEEEEETT THAT’S MY WIFE!!!!!
Sivir: Ha. Ha. Ha. You guys are soooo funny.
Sivir: Fuck you guys
Kai’sa: My mom can hold my dad back, don’t worry about him going berserk
Sivir: He’ll be busy chasing Azir
Taliyah: Knowing Azir, he would want to be the flower bird
Sivir: DON’T PUT THAT IMAGE IN MY HEAD!!!!
Taliyah: “ Caw caw, let me throw flower petals around”
Kai’sa: That’s actually really funny to imagine
Sivir: NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE!!!
Akali: “Should anyone here present know of any reason that this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now or forever hold your peace.”
Akali: Cassiopeia charges in like, “BITCH, STOP THE MARRIAGE, I WANT EVELYNN’S AUTOGRAPH!!”
Taliyah: IT’S FUNNY BC SHE WOULD DO THAT!!!
Sivir: YOU’RE NOT FUNNY AKALI!!!!
Evelynn: Okay, real talk, she keeps sliding in my DM
Akali: I’ll slide into your DMs
Evelynn: Slide into my pussy
Ahri: Ew, stop being gay
Kai’sa: What would Evelynn and Akali’s wedding look like?
Kai’sa: Would it just be us, Akali’s family and Evelynn’s 4 parents?
Evelynn: Lmfao fuck my parents
Sivir: Who would walk you down the aisle if not your parents?
Evelynn: I can walk my damn self down the aisle.
Ahri: I’ll walk her.
Evelynn: Hell no
Ahri: I’m walking you.
Akali: Eve and I would have a more Japanese type wedding
Evelynn: Oh look, Akali wants me in her family~
Kai’sa: Poor Mayym and Tahno
Ahri: Okay but you guys can’t get married until 45 tho
Kai’sa: You’re still on that?
Ahri: Yes, I spend big bucks on your beauty treatments
Akali: That’s all you ever spend your money on…
Ahri: That and bc when idols get married, they tend to leave the group and go off on their own
Kai’sa: Ahri, we won’t leave K/DA if we get married. We are K/DA forever.
Akali: We will stick together bc we are K/DA for lyfe
Evelynn: I’ll leave when I’m married asap
Evelynn: And I’m taking Akali with me.
Akali: Nevermind then
Ahri: I DID NOT CREATE K/DA SO YOU CAN GET YOUR ASS EATEN, MARRIED, AND THEN FLAKE ON ME YOU SAGGY BAG OF TITS!!!!
Evelynn: I DID NOT ASK YOU TO LEAVE ME FOR 5 FUCKING YEARS!!!
Ahri: WILL YOU FUCKING GET OVER THAT???????
Evelynn: 5 YEARS!!
Ahri: OH MY GOD!!!!
Evelynn: FIVE FUCKING YEARS!!
Ahri: EVELYNN FUCKING PLAYED HORSEY WITH TWISTED FATE!!!!!! SHE HAD A SADDLE, BUTT PLUG, AND EVERYTHING!!!! I HAVE PHOTOS! I HAVE PROOF!!!!!!!
Evelynn: HOW THE FUCK DO YOU HAVE THOSE PHOTOS!!!!!????
Evelynn: I FUCKING DELETED THEM ALL!!!
Akali: Can I get a copy?
Ahri: ILL FUCKING POST IT TO THIS CHAT!!!
Kai’sa: Pls no
Sivir: No thanks
Taliyah: Spare us.
Sona: Don’t you think I’ve been broken enough?
Evelynn: YOU GUYS ARE FUCKING RUDE!!!! I LOOKED GREAT!!
Kai’sa: MAKE UP YOUR MIND?????
Kai’sa: DO YOU WANT US TO SEE THESE PHOTOS OR NOT???
Ahri: YOU WANT SOME HAIRY BALLS IN THIS CHAT???!!!!
Evelynn removed Ahri from group chat “K/DA”.
Kai’sa : Oh thank god
Sivir: We’re saved
Taliyah: that was scary
Evelynn: Why didn’t I do this ages ago?
In a private message between Ahri and Evelynn.
Ahri: Add me back bitch
Evelynn: Don’t post those pics, bitch.
Evelynn: Skank fox
Ahri: Tentacle whore
Evelynn: Furry hussy
Ahri: Fart ass
Evelynn: hairy ass
Ahri: Dumb bimbo
Evelynn: smelly piece of shit
Ahri: ugly cross eyed hoe
Evelynn: We’re going to do this forever, aren’t we?
Ahri: We sure will.
Evelynn: Slut face
Ahri: Butt face
Evelynn: 6 nipple freak
Ahri: rash thighs
Kai’sa added Ahri to group chat “K/DA”
Ahri: HELLO I AM BACK, DID YA’LL MISS ME???
Taliyah: Not really.
Kai’sa: A little.
Evelynn: Ew, Ahri is back
Ahri: Fuck off you horny tentacle monster
Evelynn: I will continue this, hairy crusty pussy crack.
Ahri: We sure will, ringworm fuck
Kai’sa: How about we stop and call it even?
Kai’sa: No posting each other’s photos, just make up.
Akali: I’ll ride you, Eve
Ahri: What about me??
Taliyah: We offer you our condolences.
Ahri: For what??
Taliyah: For your dying leadership skills.
Ahri: IS IT THAT HARD FOR ONE ‘OH WE LOVE YOU AHRI’ IN THIS DAMN CHAT????
Ahri: FOXY NOT HAPPY AND I STILL CAN’T FIND MY TOOTHBRUSH!!
Kai’sa: Go into the cabinet in my bathroom, bottom drawer, and grab a new toothbrush
Ahri: YOU COULD HAVE SAID THAT EARLIER!
Kai’sa: I got distracted by Akali’s sudden revelation that she has actual parents.
Sivir: You know what’s a bigger revelation?
Sivir: Evelynn’s parents.
Ahri: I agree
Sona: I will say that I remember when I was a child, I saw Evelynn with someone that may be her father but that’s the only time I’ve seen her with any parental figure.
Evelynn: Hey, bysggphelia hasn’t been on the chat for a while. What happened to her?
Ahri: Don’t play dumb, Eve, tell the truth
Evelynn: popphelia? You still in the chat?
Sona: You mean @XanIrelia
Irelia: Leave me alone. I’m ignoring this chat.
Sivir: Yo Irelia, do you know Akali’s parents?
Irelia: My family are close friends with Akali’s family so yeah I know her parents.
Evelynn: ….do you have Akali’s kid pictures?
Irelia: Of course I do
Akali: Irelia if you post one pic of me from my childhood, I will personally fly back to Japan to fucking fight you to the death.
Irelia: Akali, we both know I can whip your fucking ass so shape up Mushu-knockoff.
Ahri: I FUCKING CHOOOOKED!!!
Sona: Xan Irelia is feisty when she’s competitive!
Kai’sa: Oh my god hahaha
Akali: I AM THE BETTER DAMN DRAGON THAN THAT RED LITTLE LIZARD IN MULAN!!!!!
Akali: YOU KNOW WHAT?
Akali: Your grandma’s cooking sucks ass
Irelia: DO NOT BRING MY NAINAI INTO THIS, AKALI!!!
Irelia: NAINAI COOKING IS FINE!!!!
Kai’sa: Irelia, you’re Chinese?
Irelia: Mixed raced Chinese and Japanese to be more specific :)
Irelia: AKALI YOU FUCKING TAKE THAT BACK!!!!! MY NAINAI’S COOKING IS FUCKING GOOD!
Irelia: JUST BECAUSE YOUR TASTE BUDS ARE RUINED BY SPICY RAMYUN, DOESN’T MEAN NAINAI’S COOKING IS BAD!!!
Akali: IT HAS NO FLAVOR!
Irelia: EVELYNN’S ASS PROBABLY HAS NO FLAVOR TOO BUT YOU’RE NOT COMPLAINING!!!!
Ahri: I AM FUCKING CRYYYYIIIING!!!
Taliyah: I CAN’T!!
Kai’sa: Now we know what triggers Irelia.
Evelynn: I regret bringing toephelia up.
Sona: So why don’t you answer this simple question?
Sona: What’s your mother’s name?
Evelynn: Which one?
Evelynn: My succubus mother’s name is Victoria, I don’t know my human mother’s name.
Taliyah: Wait wait, I’m confused
Taliyah: You have two mothers?
Irelia: I am confused as well.
Akali: First of all, Irelia, your grandma is WACK at cooking
Akali: Second, Evelynn technically has four parents. A succubus must gain sperm from a human male, then the succubus gives it to the incubus, then the incubus gives it to the human woman, and Evelynn was born.
Taliyah: Oh my Gaara, that’s a lot to take in.
Irelia: Akali, first of all, YOU’RE FUCKING WRONG
Irelia: Second, WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU DATING??????
Evelynn: A beautiful, talented, sexy, and gorgeous succubus.
Ahri: I must be blind bc I don’t see that.
Evelynn: Fuck off
Ahri: You fuck off
Kai’sa: Don’t start this again…
Sivir: Will we ever know about Evelynn’s background?
Evelynn: I would rather sleep with Twisted Fate than tell you guys about my “LiFe StOrY”
Kai’sa: If you’re worried about being judged, we promise we won’t.
Kai’sa: I mean, have you seen my dad??
Evelynn: Yeah and I would prefer him than mine
Sivir: Surely your dad isn’t as bad as Kassadin
Evelynn: You have no idea who my dad is and if you met him, you wouldn’t complain about Azir so much.
Sivir: Alright then.
Ahri: You okay there Eve?
Evelynn: I’m fine, can we stop talking about family and dads and shit??
Akali: Let's drop it then.
Akali: Move on
Akali: Okie babe?
Evelynn: Thank you darling
Ahri: Aren’t you two next to each other?
Ahri: nevermind then
Evelynn: Can I not text my fucking girlfriend now?
Ahri: I never said that
Ahri: Eve, you good?
Evelynn: I’m fucking fine.
Kai’sa: You know that you really don’t have to tell us anything about your family if you’re uncomfortable with the topic. You know you can tell us to stop, Eve.
Evelynn left group chat “K/DA”
Kai’sa: Did I say something wrong?
Akali: No you didn’t
Akali: I don’t think
Akali: Idk what’s up with Eve bc she just teleported away
Ahri: I know we joke about her not telling us about her backstory, but I’ve always known her to be pretty sensitive about it sometimes.
Ahri: Some days she’s fine with talking about her backstory, some days she’s not.
Sona: I agree with Ahri, sometimes Eve is fine about family and then she’s not the next second
Kai’sa: I really wasn’t trying to push her or anything. I didn’t mean to set her off.
Sivir: Nor me
Ahri: It’s fine, Evelynn is very wishy washy on the topic and she can be unpredictable with her reactions.
Ahri: Give her a few hours and she’ll come back like nothing has ever happened.
Kai’sa: I really feel bad
Ahri: Don’t be, this is just Evelynn in a bad mood. She’ll be back in no time. :)
Akali: It's been three days since Evelynn left the chat and our bed...
Akali: And she hasn’t returned my texts and calls
Taliyah: No wonder why the chat was so quiet.
Sivir: I thought it was bc everyone was busy
Kai’sa: Evelynn’s still not back??
Kai’sa: omg omg omg I must have really pissed her off
Ahri: You didn’t
Ahri: Look, Evie is prolly fuming in a temper tantrum and putting on a pouty face in her lambo, parked at a cliff where the sunsets are beautiful. Just so she can be more dramatic.
Ahri: I’ll go wrangle her back to K/DA :3
Kai’sa: Can you just say “I’ll go bring her back” like a normal person?
Ahri: Nyo tank euw.