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K/DA Chat Fuckery

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Ahri: WHERE IS MY TOOTHBRUSH!!!

 

Evelynn: DO I REALLY CARE???

 

Ahri: I CARE!

 

Evelynn: I DON’T CARE!

 

Ahri: WELL FUCK YOU!!

 

Evelynn: FUCK YOU!!!

Evelynn: NOW STOP SCREECHING AT MY DOOR!!!

Evelynn: SOME PPLE NEED TO FUCKING SLEEP!!!

 

Ahri: IT’S NOON!!!!

 

Evelynn: AND???

 

Ahri: WAKE YOUR ASS UP AND FIND MY TOOTHBRUSH!!!

 

Evelynn: GO FUCK YOURSELF WITH YOUR TOOTHBRUSH!!!

 

Ahri: I WILL IF I CAN FIND MY FUCKING TOOTHBRUSH!!!!!

 

Akali: AHRI STOP SCREECHING OUTSIDE OF OUR DOOR!!!!!!!

 

Ahri: I WILL STOP SCREECHING IF ONE OF YOU LESBO COME OUT AND FIND MY TOOTHBRUSH!!

 

Akali: I WILL COME OUT TO SHOVE A FUCKING KUNAI UP YOUR ASS IF YOU STOP SCREECHING!!!!!

 

Ahri: AND I WILL SHOVE MY BIG BOOTY BALLS UP YOUR ASS IF YOU SHOVE A KUNAI UP MY ASS!!!!

 

Evelynn: STOP CALLING THEM THAT!!!

 

Ahri: BIG BOOTY BALLS!!!

Ahri: SUCK THEM EVE!!!

 

Evelynn: SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!

 

Kai’sa: I am gone for ONE hour and you all can’t fucking function????

 

Ahri: KAI’SA I LOST MY TOOTHBRUSH

 

Kai’sa: Yeah, I got that.

 

Evelynn: Kai’sa come back and deal with this mutt

 

Ahri: DON’T MUTT SHAME ME!

 

Kai’sa: Yeah, no…

 

Akali: Do you really have to be gone for a week?

 

Kai’sa: Yeah, I have a thing called family.

 

Evelynn: Yeah, no idea what that is.

 

Akali: Family is lame

 

Ahri: I was an orphan.

 

Kai’sa: SIGH

Kai’sa: Akali, what about your mom??

Kai’sa: You have a mom, right?

 

Akali: What about her?

 

Ahri: Damn savage.

 

Kai’sa: What about your dad?

 

Akali: What about him?

 

Kai’sa: Do you even care about your parents?

 

Akali: Did they care enough to actually raise me as their own daughter for ten minutes?

 

Kai’sa: Okay then...

 

Ahri: Hey, forget the toothbrush, I want to hear Akali’s family drama.

 

Akali: Not much to tell

Akali: My chichi and haha were always busy and off on business trips for most of my childhood so Shen practically raised me

 

Evelynn: I’m her new mommy

 

Akali: Fuck yea

 

Ahri: Wrong type of mom, but okay…

 

Kai’sa: I’m sorry but it just occurred to me that Akali has actual parents and she didn’t bother to even mention this until now????

 

Akali: My mother is Mayym Jhomen Tethi and my father is Tahno Jhomen Tethi. That’s all you need to know.

 

Ahri: That means your full name is Akali Jhomen Tethi?

 

Akali: Yeah.

 

Evelynn: Evelynn Jhomen Tethi sounds nice.

 

Akali: I like the sound of that.

 

Evelynn: <3

 

Akali: <3

 

Ahri: Hey, I just realized that I don’t know Evelynn’s last name.

 

Evelynn: Hey, we’re focusing on Akali’s family life, not mine.

 

Kai’sa: True

Kai’sa: But you two are so secretive about your family lives

Kai’sa: Meanwhile, Sivir and I have dads fighting each other for weeks.

 

Akali: Tbh Azir is not Sivir’s direct father

 

Kai’sa: But he practically saved her and she is his heir to his throne

Kai’sa: And he loves her like she was his own daughter

 

Sivir: Azir is a fucking pain in my ass.

 

Akali: LMFAO

 

Kai’sa: babe…

 

Sivir: Azir is a pain in my fucking ass

 

Taliyah: I can confirm

Taliyah: Azir is a nice dad to Sivir but damn, is he waaaaay overprotective 

Taliyah: He tried to mama bird Sivir’s food while she was in the hospital after Cass’s attack.

 

Sivir: HE STILL TRIES TO DO THAT TO ME NOW!!!

 

Evelynn: That’s fucking gross.

 

Sivir: RIGHT????

 

Kai’sa: Does anyone here have normal families???

 

Evelynn: No.

 

Akali: No.

 

Sivir: No.

 

Ahri: Everyone in this chat is kinda like family to me.

 

Kai’sa: Aww

 

Akali: That’s sweet

 

Evelynn: Ew gross we ain’t fam, Ahri

 

Ahri: WOW

 

Sona: My mom and I are pretty normal.

 

Ahri: You have a mom????

 

Sona: ….

Sona: YES????

Sona: LESTARA BUVELLE????

Sona: THE WOMAN WHO ADOPTED ME???

 

Ahri: YOU’RE ADOPTED TOO!!!???

 

Evelynn: Holy fuck

 

Sona: YOU TWO MET HER!!!!

 

Ahri: We did?

 

Evelynn: I do not recall…

 

Sona: HOW IN THE WORLD DID YOU THINK I GOT THE LAST NAME BUVELLE???????

 

Ahri: *shrugs*

 

Evelynn: idk

 

Sona: WE’VE KNOWN EACH OTHER SINCE WE WERE KIDS AND YOU TWO SERIOUSLY DID NOT KNOW I WAS ADOPTED???

 

Sivir: To be fair, these two didn’t even think that you could text properly for years.

 

Sona: FAIR ENOUGH

 

Ahri: OH MY GOD SONA WAS AN ORPHAN LIKE MEEEEEE!!!

 

Sona: THAT WAS LITERALLY THE FIRST THING I TOLD YOU THE MOMENT WE MET!!!!!!!!

Sona: I THOUGHT WE COULD BOND ON THAT!!!!

 

Ahri: You didn’t talk tho

Ahri: You gave me a paper with a message on it

 

Sona: YOU GET THE IDEA!!!

 

Ahri: I couldn’t read when I was a foxy kit.

 

Sona: APPARENTLY!!

 

Evelynn: I can’t believe you kept this from us.

 

Sona: I DIDN’T!

Sona: I TOLD YOU GUYS!

 

Evelynn: But you’re mute?

 

Sona: JSADKKDGHLKJHLDKGJHKJDHSKJGHLKSDKGJ

 

Kai’sa: You guys broke Sona again.

 

Akali: This is hilarious 

 

Sivir: I feel like we’re learning a lot about each other.

 

Ahri: YES WE ARE

 

Taliyah: Hahaha, you guys are so hilarious

 

Ahri: What about you, Tal?

Ahri: Fam?

 

Taliyah: I have a great family.

Taliyah: Mom, dad

Taliyah: Grandparents

Taliyah: A tribe that raised me and my cousins altogether 

 

Sivir: I can agree, they took care of me before Azir kidnapped me

 

Taliyah: Okay, you’re being dramatic.

Taliyah: Azir did not kidnapped you

Taliyah: He just named you as his heir

 

Sivir: DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY TIMES HE HAS TRIED TO FUCKING BABY BIRD FOOD INTO MY DAMN MOUTH????

Sivir: OUT OF ALL THE RICH AND FAMOUS BILLIONAIRES, I GET A FUCKING CLUELESS BIRD LIKE HIM!!!!!

 

Taliyah: You are so dramatic.

 

Kai’sa: Is she, tho?

Kai’sa: Azir can be a little intense 

 

Evelynn: And your dad was ready run Sivir over with his car while she was on her scooter.

 

Sivir: ***motorcycle

 

Akali: It’s not a fucking motorcycle, dumbass

 

Sivir: Fuck off Akali

 

Kai’sa: Okay, to be fair, I accept that my dad is aggressively overprotective 

Kai’sa: Plus Sivir has gotten a lot better at running away from him

 

Evelynn: She better be if she’s going to have to run down the aisle, marry you, and run off with you

 

Ahri: HAHAHAHAHAHA

Ahri: Kai’sa would have the shortest celebrity wedding!!!!

 

Akali: Do you take Kai’sa as your lawfully wedded wife?

Akali: Sivir says, “Yes” kisses kai’sa and yeets away with kai’sa in her arms.

 

Taliyah: SIVIR JUST GOES AHEAD AND THROWS KAI’SA OUT OF THE CHAPEL AND IS LIKE YEEEEEEETT THAT’S MY WIFE!!!!!

 

Akali: LMFAO

 

Ahri: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

 

Evelynn: OMG

 

Sivir: Ha. Ha. Ha. You guys are soooo funny.

Sivir: Fuck you guys

 

Kai’sa: My mom can hold my dad back, don’t worry about him going berserk

 

Sivir: He’ll be busy chasing Azir

 

Taliyah: Knowing Azir, he would want to be the flower bird

 

Sivir: DON’T PUT THAT IMAGE IN MY HEAD!!!!

 

Taliyah: “ Caw caw, let me throw flower petals around”

 

Sivir: STOP

 

Kai’sa: That’s actually really funny to imagine

 

Sivir: NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE!!!

 

Akali: “Should anyone here present know of any reason that this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now or forever hold your peace.”

Akali: Cassiopeia charges in like, “BITCH, STOP THE MARRIAGE, I WANT EVELYNN’S AUTOGRAPH!!”

 

Ahri: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

 

Taliyah: IT’S FUNNY BC SHE WOULD DO THAT!!!

 

Sivir: YOU’RE NOT FUNNY AKALI!!!!

 

Evelynn: Okay, real talk, she keeps sliding in my DM

 

Akali: I’ll slide into your DMs

 

Evelynn: Slide into my pussy

 

Ahri: Ew, stop being gay

 

Akali: Hater

 

Kai’sa: What would Evelynn and Akali’s wedding look like?

Kai’sa: Would it just be us, Akali’s family and Evelynn’s 4 parents?

 

Evelynn: Lmfao fuck my parents

 

Sivir: Who would walk you down the aisle if not your parents?

 

Evelynn: I can walk my damn self down the aisle.

 

Ahri: I’ll walk her.

 

Evelynn: Hell no

 

Ahri: I’m walking you.

 

Evelynn: No.

 

Akali: Eve and I would have a more Japanese type wedding

 

Evelynn: Oh look, Akali wants me in her family~

 

Kai’sa: Poor Mayym and Tahno

 

Evelynn: RUDE

 

Ahri: Okay but you guys can’t get married until 45 tho

 

Kai’sa: You’re still on that?

 

Ahri: Yes, I spend big bucks on your beauty treatments

 

Akali: That’s all you ever spend your money on…

 

Ahri: That and bc when idols get married, they tend to leave the group and go off on their own

 

Kai’sa: Ahri, we won’t leave K/DA if we get married. We are K/DA forever.

 

Akali: We will stick together bc we are K/DA for lyfe

 

Ahri: Guuuuuuuuyyys~~~

 

Evelynn: I’ll leave when I’m married asap

Evelynn: And I’m taking Akali with me.

 

Akali: Nevermind then

 

Ahri: I DID NOT CREATE K/DA SO YOU CAN GET YOUR ASS EATEN, MARRIED, AND THEN FLAKE ON ME YOU SAGGY BAG OF TITS!!!!

 

Evelynn: I DID NOT ASK YOU TO LEAVE ME FOR 5 FUCKING YEARS!!!

 

Ahri: WILL YOU FUCKING GET OVER THAT???????

 

Evelynn: 5 YEARS!!

 

Ahri: OH MY GOD!!!!

 

Evelynn: FIVE FUCKING YEARS!!

 

Ahri: EVELYNN FUCKING PLAYED HORSEY WITH TWISTED FATE!!!!!! SHE HAD A SADDLE, BUTT PLUG, AND EVERYTHING!!!! I HAVE PHOTOS! I HAVE PROOF!!!!!!!

 

Evelynn: KSJDGKJSFHJKDFJLDKSJ

Evelynn: HOW THE FUCK DO YOU HAVE THOSE PHOTOS!!!!!????

Evelynn: I FUCKING DELETED THEM ALL!!!

 

Akali: Can I get a copy?

 

Evelynn: AKALI!!!!

 

Ahri: ILL FUCKING POST IT TO THIS CHAT!!!

 

Kai’sa: Pls no

 

Sivir: No thanks

 

Taliyah: Spare us.

 

Sona: Don’t you think I’ve been broken enough?

 

Evelynn: YOU GUYS ARE FUCKING RUDE!!!! I LOOKED GREAT!!

 

Kai’sa: MAKE UP YOUR MIND?????

Kai’sa: DO YOU WANT US TO SEE THESE PHOTOS OR NOT???

 

Ahri: YOU WANT SOME HAIRY BALLS IN THIS CHAT???!!!!

 

Evelynn removed Ahri from group chat “K/DA”.

 

Kai’sa : Oh thank god

 

Akali: Finally

 

Sivir: We’re saved

 

Sona: Phew

 

Taliyah: that was scary

 

Evelynn: Why didn’t I do this ages ago?

 

XXX

 

In a private message between Ahri and Evelynn.

 

Ahri: Add me back bitch

 

Evelynn: Don’t post those pics, bitch.

 

Ahri: Succuhoe

 

Evelynn: Skank fox

 

Ahri: Tentacle whore

 

Evelynn: Furry hussy

 

Ahri: Fart ass

 

Evelynn: hairy ass

 

Ahri: Dumb bimbo

 

Evelynn: smelly piece of shit

 

Ahri: ugly cross eyed hoe

 

Evelynn: We’re going to do this forever, aren’t we?

 

Ahri: We sure will.

 

Evelynn: Slut face

 

Ahri: Butt face

 

Evelynn: 6 nipple freak

 

Ahri: rash thighs

 

XXX

 

Kai’sa added Ahri to group chat “K/DA”

 

Ahri: HELLO I AM BACK, DID YA’LL MISS ME???

 

Akali: No.

 

Taliyah: Not really.

 

Sivir: Nah.

 

Sona: Nope

 

Kai’sa: A little.

 

Evelynn: Ew, Ahri is back

 

Ahri: Fuck off you horny tentacle monster 

 

Evelynn: I will continue this, hairy crusty pussy crack.

 

Ahri: We sure will, ringworm fuck

 

Kai’sa: How about we stop and call it even?

Kai’sa: No posting each other’s photos, just make up.

Kai’sa: Please?

 

Evelynn:

 

Ahri:

 

Akali: I’ll ride you, Eve

 

Evelynn: DEAL

 

Ahri: What about me??

 

Taliyah: We offer you our condolences.

 

Ahri: For what??

 

Taliyah: For your dying leadership skills.

 

Ahri:

 

Sivir: oooooooo

 

Sona: lol

 

Kai’sa: ooooh

 

Akali: Daaaamn

 

Evelynn: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

 

Ahri: IS IT THAT HARD FOR ONE ‘OH WE LOVE YOU AHRI’ IN THIS DAMN CHAT????

 

Sona: Yes.

 

Ahri: FOXY NOT HAPPY AND I STILL CAN’T FIND MY TOOTHBRUSH!!

 

Kai’sa: Go into the cabinet in my bathroom, bottom drawer, and grab a new toothbrush 

 

Ahri: YOU COULD HAVE SAID THAT EARLIER!

 

Kai’sa: I got distracted by Akali’s sudden revelation that she has actual parents.

 

Akali: yeee

 

Sivir: You know what’s a bigger revelation?

Sivir: Evelynn’s parents.

 

Ahri: I agree

 

Taliyah: Ditto

 

Sona: I will say that I remember when I was a child, I saw Evelynn with someone that may be her father but that’s the only time I’ve seen her with any parental figure.

 

Evelynn: Hey, bysggphelia hasn’t been on the chat for a while. What happened to her?

 

Ahri: Don’t play dumb, Eve, tell the truth

 

Evelynn: popphelia? You still in the chat?

 

Sona: You mean @XanIrelia

 

Irelia: Leave me alone. I’m ignoring this chat.

 

Kai’sa: Mood

 

Sivir: Yo Irelia, do you know Akali’s parents?

 

Irelia: My family are close friends with Akali’s family so yeah I know her parents.

 

Evelynn: ….do you have Akali’s kid pictures?

 

Irelia: Of course I do

 

Akali: Irelia if you post one pic of me from my childhood, I will personally fly back to Japan to fucking fight you to the death.

 

Irelia: Akali, we both know I can whip your fucking ass so shape up Mushu-knockoff.

 

Ahri: I FUCKING CHOOOOKED!!!

 

Taliyah: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAA

 

Sona: Xan Irelia is feisty when she’s competitive!

 

Sivir: LMFAOOOOO

 

Kai’sa: Oh my god hahaha

 

Akali: I AM THE BETTER DAMN DRAGON THAN THAT RED LITTLE LIZARD IN MULAN!!!!!

Akali: YOU KNOW WHAT?

Akali: Your grandma’s cooking sucks ass

 

Irelia: DO NOT BRING MY NAINAI INTO THIS, AKALI!!!

Irelia: NAINAI COOKING IS FINE!!!!

 

Kai’sa: Nainai?

Kai’sa: Irelia, you’re Chinese?

 

Irelia: Mixed raced Chinese and Japanese to be more specific :)

Irelia: AKALI YOU FUCKING TAKE THAT BACK!!!!! MY NAINAI’S COOKING IS FUCKING GOOD!

Irelia: JUST BECAUSE YOUR TASTE BUDS ARE RUINED BY SPICY RAMYUN, DOESN’T MEAN NAINAI’S COOKING IS BAD!!!

 

Akali: IT HAS NO FLAVOR!

 

Irelia: EVELYNN’S ASS PROBABLY HAS NO FLAVOR TOO BUT YOU’RE NOT COMPLAINING!!!!

 

Akali: IRELIA

 

Ahri: I AM FUCKING CRYYYYIIIING!!!

 

Taliyah: I CAN’T!!

 

Sivir: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA

 

Kai’sa: Now we know what triggers Irelia.

 

Evelynn: I regret bringing toephelia up.

 

Sona: So why don’t you answer this simple question?

Sona: What’s your mother’s name?

 

Evelynn: Which one?

 

Ahri: Both?

 

Evelynn: My succubus mother’s name is Victoria, I don’t know my human mother’s name.

 

Taliyah: Wait wait, I’m confused

Taliyah: You have two mothers?

 

Irelia: I am confused as well.

 

Akali: First of all, Irelia, your grandma is WACK at cooking

Akali: Second, Evelynn technically has four parents. A succubus must gain sperm from a human male, then the succubus gives it to the incubus, then the incubus gives it to the human woman, and Evelynn was born.

 

Taliyah: Oh my Gaara, that’s a lot to take in.

 

Irelia: Akali, first of all, YOU’RE FUCKING WRONG

Irelia: Second, WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU DATING??????

 

Evelynn: A beautiful, talented, sexy, and gorgeous succubus.

 

Ahri: I must be blind bc I don’t see that.

 

Evelynn: Fuck off

 

Ahri: You fuck off

 

Kai’sa: Don’t start this again…

 

Sivir: Will we ever know about Evelynn’s background?

 

Evelynn: I would rather sleep with Twisted Fate than tell you guys about my “LiFe StOrY”

 

Kai’sa: If you’re worried about being judged, we promise we won’t.

Kai’sa: I mean, have you seen my dad??

 

Evelynn: Yeah and I would prefer him than mine

 

Taliyah: Yikes

 

Sivir: Surely your dad isn’t as bad as Kassadin

 

Evelynn: You have no idea who my dad is and if you met him, you wouldn’t complain about Azir so much.

 

Sivir: Alright then.

 

Ahri: You okay there Eve?

 

Evelynn: I’m fine, can we stop talking about family and dads and shit??

 

Akali: Let's drop it then.

Akali: Move on

Akali: Okie babe?

 

Evelynn: Thank you darling

 

Ahri: Aren’t you two next to each other?

 

Evelynn: And?

 

Ahri: nevermind then

 

Evelynn: Can I not text my fucking girlfriend now?

 

Ahri: I never said that

Ahri: Eve, you good?

 

Evelynn: I’m fucking fine.

 

Kai’sa: You know that you really don’t have to tell us anything about your family if you’re uncomfortable with the topic. You know you can tell us to stop, Eve.

 

Evelynn left group chat “K/DA”

 

Kai’sa: Did I say something wrong?

 

Akali: No you didn’t

Akali: I don’t think

Akali: Idk what’s up with Eve bc she just teleported away

 

Ahri: I know we joke about her not telling us about her backstory, but I’ve always known her to be pretty sensitive about it sometimes.

Ahri: Some days she’s fine with talking about her backstory, some days she’s not.

 

Sona: I agree with Ahri, sometimes Eve is fine about family and then she’s not the next second

 

Kai’sa: I really wasn’t trying to push her or anything. I didn’t mean to set her off.

 

Sivir: Nor me

 

Ahri: It’s fine, Evelynn is very wishy washy on the topic and she can be unpredictable with her reactions.

Ahri: Give her a few hours and she’ll come back like nothing has ever happened.

 

Kai’sa: Okay.

Kai’sa: I really feel bad

 

Ahri: Don’t be, this is just Evelynn in a bad mood. She’ll be back in no time. :)

 

XXX

 

Akali: It's been three days since Evelynn left the chat and our bed...

Akali: And she hasn’t returned my texts and calls

 

Taliyah: No wonder why the chat was so quiet.

 

Sivir: I thought it was bc everyone was busy

 

Kai’sa: Evelynn’s still not back??

 

Ahri: Yeeeaaaahhh

 

Kai’sa: omg omg omg I must have really pissed her off

 

Ahri: You didn’t

Ahri: Look, Evie is prolly fuming in a temper tantrum and putting on a pouty face in her lambo, parked at a cliff where the sunsets are beautiful. Just so she can be more dramatic.

Ahri: I’ll go wrangle her back to K/DA :3

 

Kai’sa: Can you just say “I’ll go bring her back” like a normal person?


Ahri: Nyo tank euw.