Music: *is ominous*
Big Ring: *is shiny*
Ewan McGregor: *is sad* I don't want to destroy the precious!
Voiceover: Here is some handy info for the heathens who don't know what goes down after the Pope dies.
Wafer: *fades into CERN*
Scientists: *Scold each other in French and Italian*
CERN: I totally work. Yep. Nevermind what you've read in the papers.
Photons: Look how we shimmer and dance!
Soon-to-be-dead father figure: Antimatter! We totally rock!
Vittoria: *walks by a tech guy she's never seen before* Hey, what's that red stuff on the retinal scanner? And...
Dead father figure: It's all fun and games 'til somebody loses an eyeball. And their life.
Fade into Harvard's swimming pool
Vatican dude: Are you wearing a speedo?
Langdon: Why yes, thanks. And how nice of you to come all the way from Rome to admire me and give me access to your archives. If you know what I mean.
Vatican dude: Um, I came from New York. And here is a badly copied SYMBOL to interest you. There's a bad guy, he wants to kill some cardinals, and you're supposed to help us.
Langdon: Wait, you're not here give me access to the archives?
Vatican dude: You know, it isn't always about you.
Langdon: Hah. Right. You must not have read the books yet. Don't worry, you'll figure it out.
Vatican dude: I will admit you are...what is the word...formidable? Yes, I will use a false cognate here that I wouldn't have ever used to describe you, except it will let people think you're smarter than you are by figuring out the English word.
Cut to Rome
Cardinals: *have finished their bus tour of Tuscany; now it's time to get to business*
Olivetti: Hi, heathen. Try not to embarrass me too much.
Langdon: Yeah, so as we walk through this hall, I'll just criticize the institution a little bit more, at a fairly inappropriate time, because I'm sure you don't know the history of your own sculptures.
Vittoria: I'm not entirely sure how I got from CERN to here, so I'll just sit in this chair until someone says hi.
Vittoria: So, this antimatter is going to--
Chief Security dude: I know lots about explosives, and I'm not about to let a scientist woman try and tell me about--
Vittoria: Um, it will destroy the whole Vatican.
Langdon: With light!
Chief Security dude: That's what the kidnapper said! Play the tape!
Langdon: Okay, now pause it here and there so I can regurgitate my book at all of you. Also, I need to get in those archives.
Everyone else: Dude, this is so not the time for you to be doing research.
Langdon: No, really!
Chief Security dude: Well, there's no Pope, so we can't.
Langdon: Isn't Ewan McGregor in this movie?
Everyone else: Ah, right. He can help!
Ewan: *would inspire most anyone to get down on their knees and...pray. If you know what I mean* Let's try some reason and logic here, people. Vittoria, who else knew that they could get some antimatter to blow this place up?
Vittoria: Um...it's probably in my dead father-figure's journals, and we can have them flown up since no one thought to ask that question before I flew over here.
Ewan: Great. Now, Langdon and I are going to have a heart to heart about getting access to the archives. Do you believe in God?
Langdon: Um...not really.
Ewan: At least you didn't lie to me. Fine, go. But you break it, you bought it.
Langdon: Fair enough.
Vittoria: Hey, I'll tag along so you have someone to condescend to. Even though I'm the CERN physics researcher who just created antimatter, and you're just really good at bullshitting.
Meanwhile, outside the Sistine Chapel
Ewan: Um, a madmen has captured 4 cardinals and is threatening to blow up Vatican City, and you want to just continue on like normal?
Lead Cardinal dude: ...yep.
Ewan: But what about the people in the square?
Lead Cardinal dude: Eh, so maybe we all get to heaven a little sooner than anticipated.
Lead Cardinal dude: Remember your place. You were in those Star Wars prequels, and sure, you were the best character in them, but they're over now. Seal the doors.
Ewan: The Force is strong with you.
Aryan Posterboy: I have a very odd accent. And I do not like you, Langdon.
Langdon: I am shocked.
Dungeon of Cardinals
Tech dude from earlier/Future Cardinal Killer: I like tea, and cruel deaths.
Langdon: Let me cite random numbers at you and voila! How convenient that the same document I want to look at is the same one I need to figure out the madman's crazy plot! And hey, let me give you a history lesson instead of looking it, since we've got a whole 35 minutes to stop a murder.
Vittoria: Screw it, let's take the page with us.
Langdon: I don't think that's what Ewan meant when he said the part about being careful with everything, klepto.
Vittoria: Well, maybe if you were a little less chatty, I wouldn't have had to rip it out!
Olivetti: YOU STOLE FROM THE ARCHIVES! This is why you can't have nice things, Langdon.
Langdon: It was her! And let's focus, people. I need to show you guys how smart I am again. It's Panteon time!
Chief Security dude: I scoff at your intelligence, even though we flew you over from the US for your advice.
Vittoria: You idiot. You clearly don't know what you're doing.
Langdon: Whoo! Let's pretend we're married so we can infiltrate the Panteon inconspicuously.
Vittoria: Um...so, you were wrong.
Langdon: Inconceivable! I know this! Hey, you, tourist guide lady! Tell me where I need to be!
Tourist guide: Um...over that way.
Langdon: On our way!
Chief Security dude: Time for me to be extra snooty with you because sneering at your lack of religion is really the Christian thing to do. *leaves*
Olivetti, Vittoria, and Langdon: Screw you, we'll do what we want. *go to the other church*
1st cardinal: *is very dead*
Back in the Sistine Chapel, it's time to vote for the next Catholic Idol!
In the Vatican Square
Reporter: So, for those of you who haven't seen EuroTrip, there won't be a new Pope until the smoke is white.
Langdon: Hey, I'm the star of this movie. Back to my bullsh--er, symbologizing! GET ME A MAP NOW, VATICAN BITCHES!
Black cars: *drive quickly to scary music* Hey, look, we could be a car commercial! And we are not conspicuous at all.
People in the square: Hey, let's have a convenient Science vs. Religion debate! Er, fight. Fight! Fight!
Little girl: *picks up her doll AND IS SCARRED FOR LIFE*
2nd Cardinal: *is mostly dead*
Vittoria: *tries to save him*
Blood: *spurts all over Langdon*
Langdon: EEEEEEEEK! OMG, WHY ME? Why does everything happen to me?
2nd Cardinal: Comparatively speaking, you're not the one who should be freaking out right now.
Back inside the Vatican's offices
Langdon: I HAD BLOOD ON ME! And now I'm dressed like a priest.
Vittoria: Yeah, but no one's getting down on their knees to "pray" with you anytime soon. Thank God they ran out of time for a romance subplot in this film.
Olivetti:So, we have a letter. And we're pretty sure the madman killed the Pope with his own meds.
Ewan: Say what?
Vittoria: So, let's do an autopsy!
Chief Security dude: Um, hellz no.
Ewan: Can you figure out the next church?
Langdon: I need to get into the archives again.
Ewan: You're like a broken record.
Vittoria: So, I'll just go through these journals for clues, since no one else could be bothered to earlier.
Ewan: So, about the whole "the Pope might have been been killed with an overdose"...
Ewan: I NEED TO KNOW!
Meanwhile in the Vatican Archives...
Aryan Posterboy: I really, really don't like you.
Langdon: Hey, let me buy you some ciggies in exchange for a translation.
Power: *goes out, Jurassic Park-style*
Aryan Posterboy: So, everything, even our air, is controlled by the electricity.
Langdon: Ah, man. You guys didn't think some kind of backup air might be worth it?
Aryan Posterboy: The velociraptors are going to show up any minute, aren't they?
Langdon and Posterboy *break a lot of stuff trying to break out*
En Route to the Pope's dead body
Ewan: Here, let me give you my entire backstory. You see, when I say Holy Father, I really mean Father.
Dead Pope: *is SUPA dead*
Everything: *starts to go crazy*
Aryan Posterboy: *enjoys a smooth cancer stick*
Langdon: So, some of your people TRIED TO KILL US!
Vittoria: The journals are gone!
Ewan: *crashes the cardinals' party* OH HAI THERE! I THINK MAYBE YOU SHOULD KNOW THE ILLUMINATI KILLED MY DADDY! Also, let me give a speech about how awesome the church is.
Meanwhile, at Santa Maria della Vittoria... in which the fire symbol is not related to heat but to passion, and our only female character is named Vittoria...yes, I see what you did there, Dan Brown.
3rd Cardinal: *is on fire* We don't need no water, let the mo--
Everyone: *fail epicly at saving 3rd cardinal*
Langdon: *literally crawls away*
Back at the Sistine Chapel
Lead Cardinal dude: Oh, yes, I can use cliches just as well as the rest of you. Go find the antimatter device. And, sure, I'll totally step down so I can have a chance at Popedom. I've always wanted a Popemobile. I'll pimp that sucker out, too.
Vittoria: Hey, you! Give me those journals back!
Chief Security dude: Hellz no. What will I read when I go to the beach this summer?
Back in the church of the Barbequed Cardinal
Olivetti: *is dead* Man, left Narnia for this?
Langdon: So, I've just now made the connection that maybe the churches are in a cross pattern. Because I'm an amazing symbologist. No one else would've thought of it sooner. *they go to the next church* So there's no angel, but there is a dove! That's totally the same thing!
Cardinal killer: *is also a cop killer*
Langdon: *wastes a lot of time trying to lift the 4th cardinal out instead of simply unstrapping him from the weights* So, on to Castello Angelo!
Italian police: Hey, let's try looking elsewhere!
Langdon: GET ME A FLASHLIGHT!
Vittoria: You know, it wouldn't kill you to say please every once in awhile.
Langdon: A PENTAGRAM! Onward, ho!
Vittoria: Excuse me? *they find the prison the cardinals were kept in*
Langdon: Follow the angels! Not that there aren't like, a zillion of them all over this city!
Vittoria: The antimatter isn't here.
Langdon: Ooo, but there are branding irons! Kinky!
Cardinal killer: Hallo! You're unarmed so I won't kill you, because though I am an assassin, no one paid me to kill you two. *leaves and falls for the oldest trick in the book, the "here's a car to explode yourself with" trick*
Langdon: Quick, we have to find Ewan! He's in danger!
Ewan: Aaaaahhhh, I've been branded. ILLUMINATI! ILLUMINATI EVERYWHERE!
Half the people running into the room: *shoot the other half of the people*
Langdon: So...you're branded upside down.
Ewan: Saint Peter! His tomb is where the antimatter is stored!
Everyone else: Wait, wasn't Langdon supposed to figure that out? Why did we fly him over again?
Antimatter: *is tucked safely by Saint Peter's tomb*
Vittoria: Yeah, so I don't think I can do anything to stop the exploding. Maybe we should've given ourselves more than 24 hours of battery power, but it's not like we really thought terrorists would go after a weakly guarded weapon of mass destruction.
Ewan: *snatches the antimatter canister* COME WHAT MAY! I'll save you all! *flies the helicopter straight up, parachutes out*
Helicopter: *explodes, bits go everywhere*
Aryan Posterboy: Ewan sacrificed himself to save us, and he's okay!
Vittoria: I'm second-thinking my committment to science now.
Langdon: Eh, it's not your fault a madman tried to use your work to destroy Catholicism.
Lead Cardinal: Um, I know we all like Ewan, but maybe we shouldn't make him Pope.
Other Cardinals: No, I think we should. You saw him in Moulin Rouge, didn't you? The man was gorgeou--er, his faith saved us. Let's find a loophole and make him Pope.
Vittoria: So, I'm going to get those journals back.
Langdon: And hey, maybe this key the Chief Security dude was holding when he got shot is useful for something.
Security Video: Oh, hai there! Let me incriminate Ewan!
Ewan: Okay, so I killed the Pope, the man I loved like a father. *brands himself*
Chief Security dude: Whoa, that is hardcore. *is shot*
Back to the present
Ewan: Dude! I'm on my way to become Pope Pimpin' the First!
Cardinals: *stare daggers* Denied.
Ewan: *sets himself on fire* Damn, I'm hot.
Langdon and Vittoria: *sit around doing not much of anything*
New Camerlengo: Here is a shiny gift for you! Write nicely!
Langdon: I am a little uncomfortable about all this God talk, btw.
Shiny New Pope: *reinacts Pope scene from Eurotrip, but without the curtain/rod and the whole running after Mike part*