Kagome Higurashi is an adult.
Kagome Higurashi is an adult who is crying on the floor of her empty apartment.
Kagome Higurashi is an adult who is crying on the floor of her empty apartment, chest heavy and breath shaking because she saw a man who kind-of looked like a former enemy and she thought about all the lives lost and the lives to have yet been lost.
It’s not like she sees him all the time, only when it counts. In the middle of the day, or running along the empty road at the crack of dawn, or when she passes by a certain tree. She sees him in her dreams as her body stays on the soft grass under the night sky, she sees him in the corner of her eye as InuYasha fights around her, she sees him in the dark crevices of her own mind.
It reminds her of that song about Santa, “he sees you when you’re sleeping,” except she’s Santa and she sees him all the goddamn time. He’s the only one to make her skin crawl, the only one whose voice infects her mind like a virus, the only one to make her fear so much not only for her friends, but for herself. He’s the only one who makes her feel selfish. (Although that’s not true, InuYasha makes her feel selfish too, but her different reasons.)
It’s been years since she fought him, using her power, her goodness to outshine him. But what if it wasn’t enough? Something allowed her to keep traveling between worlds, so maybe that same thing was powering him to stay alive. Maybe he’ll absorb more ill will and demons, and come back as something horrific. Maybe some witch will reanimate him to do her bidding. The possibilities are endless.
As is her anxiety.
Body shaking, she slowly gets up to do a body scan– something her therapist says she should be utilizing more often in these types of situations, but that’s hard to do when they happen on the battlefield. Just as she thought, her body feels like shit. She’s dehydrated, dizzy, hungry, and tired. It’s hard to behave like a competent human when every waking moment feels like an attack on your senses, like you’re always walking into a war that wasn’t yours to fight.
The days she is out with her bow it can get bad. She’s almost harmed so many people because she hears him, or faintly senses something like him, or sees a shadow, and she’s ready to aim, to fire. The first couple of times she did, she’s lucky her partner in crime is a half demon, because at least he can heal fast. After the first handful of incidents, she caught herself, and now waits for some time before firing off an arrow. In this time, people know to point her to a tree. No one says anything to her, they aren’t well versed in what to do when people act like this. Especially Kagome.
Once she snaps out of it, she’s usually okay. Everyone knows not to ask about it and continues on about their day. It’s not like they don’t have these moments either. Trauma brings a group together, and misery loves company, so it’s not like they’re going to complain. InuYasha tried to comfort her once or twice, but stepped away after he received nothing from her, the stinging indifference feeling like nothing he’s experienced before.
Counting her breathing cycle off in her head, she feels her heartbeat become less erratic. There are papers strewn about from her pitiful attempt at grabbing something, so she organizes them into a pile. She’s an adult, dammit, at least she has to appear to be like one. This is usually how it goes, she has an attack, she pities herself, and then she gets up and pretends it never happened. It’s disgusting. She’s disgusting. But she has no time to not be okay. She is a priestess. A nurse. A caregiver. She’s supporting so many different people that if she cracks, they go down with her. And she can’t do that to them due to her own incompetence. (Therapy was slightly her idea, mostly her coworkers.)
Kagome Higurashi is an adult who cannot cry on her apartment floor because she has way too many things to do with her time instead.
But his presence, his voice, the idea of him is the one thing that can bring everything crashing down at once.