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Hope Lives On Me

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Well I wonder could it be

When I was thinking ’bout you

You were dreaming of me.

 

                Do you my love? Do you dream of me as much as I dream of you? Your beautiful, lovely face appears in my dreams every night.

 

Call me crazy

Call me blind

To still be suffering

Is stupid after all of this time

 

                Yes, I still suffer. I can still feel the pain of you leaving me. Of you turning your back on me and walking towards the door. I can still clearly see everything on that day like it was just a recent occurrence. You’ve walked away and you took my heart with you. No, scratch that. You took my whole being with you. You took my heart, my soul, everything the day you walked out of the front door of our home.

 

Did I lose my love to someone better?

And does he love you like I do?

I do

You know, I really, really do.

 

                I love you with everything that I am. With all that I am. With all my heart and soul. Are you happy with him? With the guy you roam around New York with? The guy who has his fingers entwined with yours? The guy whose arms are wrapped around you? It should have been mine. My fingers entwined on yours. My arms wrapped around you every single time. It should have been me.  Oh, and that smile of yours. What I wouldn’t give just to have those full smiles and laughs directed at me again. I would give up everything and anything just to have you by my side again.  Did I mention how breathtaking you looked last night? How lovely you were in that vintage Chanel gown you were wearing at the event last night? Coco would have been proud.  You love Chanel, right? I can feel you watching me, as well. I can feel your eyes bore in to me. I can smell your scent from afar. My skin tingled when you arrived.  I still shiver from that very familiar scent.

 

Well, hey

So much I need to say

Been lonely since the day

The day you went away

 

                Lonely isn’t even the right word to describe what I am feeling right now.  I am lost. I am alive but dead inside. I breathe but I can no longer feel my heart beating.  Before I met you, I would have found that thought laughable. Who would feel dead just because someone left them? It’s not like everybody stays.  But after you left me, I started to deem that notion plausible.

 

I remember date and time.

 

                Yes, I remember it. The exact date and time you went away. I find myself counting the days and hours.  I found myself hoping that you would come back to me. Besides, we lived on hope, didn’t we? Hope is where we started.  We both hoped. You said it was ridiculous of you to think that I would love you but you hoped. So did I.  For so long we lived on it. Until I saw you with your suitcase. Tear-stained cheeks. Blank eyes.  I blame myself for that.

 

“What happened?”  I asked.

 

“It’s too much. I can’t…” You trailed off as another wave of tears run down your cheeks. You choke back a sob and continued “It’s too painful already.” I walked towards you and brushed your tears away. You leaned into my touch. I myself tried to keep my emotions at bay but my eyes and throat betrayed me. Tears started to fall as I buried my face in the crook of your neck. You held me tightly. I savored your warmth. You lifted my chin and brushed my tears tenderly. I leaned into your palm. Closing my eyes, feeling your offered warmth. The calming effect you have on me took over. I opened my eyes and met yours. You leaned and kissed me passionately on my lips. I held tightly on you as I return your action. I pressed myself on you, deepening our kiss. I encircled my arms around your waist tightly, as if telling you not to leave.  I deepened the kiss more, savoring your taste. For I may not feel it again.

 

“Please.” I begged as I choked back another sob. You did not respond. Instead, you freed yourself from our contact. I looked at you, making you see how sorry I am. How I want you to stay. Don’t you understand? You are my lifeline. You hold my life. I need you. Don’t you understand that…that…For the first time I have surrendered myself to someone? I am nothing without you. I depended on you too much now I find breathing a difficult task without you. You pressed one last kiss on my lips and whispered

 

“I will always love you. Ours will always be different.” I gripped tightly on your wrist as you walked pass me.

 

“Please. Don’t leave.” I begged. But you just smiled. A painful one. A smile that told me this was the end. You pulled your wrist gently from my grip. You walked past me again and reach for your case. My eyes went blurry and the only sound I recognized was the telltale sign of a door closing. “No. Come back please. Don’t go. Don’t leave me.” I whispered. Wishing and hoping that the wind will carry my plea to you.

 

Why do we never know

What we’ve got

Til it’s gone

How could I carry on?

 

                How can I continue to live my life without you? Will I be able to feel again? I am well aware of the answer. I know for myself that I don’t want to love another if it’s not you. I don’t want to feel any more if it’s not you that I am offering myself to. If it’s not you I am loving. If it’s not you loving, savoring and cherishing every part of me.

 

Cause I’ve been missing you so much

I have to say

Been crying since the day

The day you went away

 

                I’ll sit and wait here patiently. I’ll wait patiently for you. Even if it means that I have to wait for you for a whole lifetime. Even until my next life, I will wait for you. I will hope every day. Because, what we have is different, right? And I will always live on hope. Hope that it will be you and me again.