Chapter 1: Evil Nova-Worshiping Hussy
The first morning walk had occurred purely by accident. Plagued by nightmares involving her recent possession by the monstrous Dark Nebula, Elise had been unable to sleep and decided to take her morning walk early, before even the rest of the castle had awakened, and halfway through her walk, she’d crossed paths with Bikaia, Dreamland’s new king, returning from his morning sparring session. The walks thereafter were carefully calculated to coincide with Bikaia’s return to the castle. Elise’s dresses might have been coordinated, too, and she might have insisted that her lady’s maids do her hair a little more elaborately and her cosmetics a little more dramatically.
Elise fluffed her hair and adjusted her bodice, showing a little more of her breasts than was strictly appropriate, but—she reasoned—at the point where she was purposefully waiting for the young king of Dreamland to return from his sword practice, specifically so she could see him all disheveled, it only made sense to be bold.
“Hello, Your Majesty,” she said, trying to mirror the famous capital accent.
She didn’t sound regal. She sounded like a small child trying to play the role of a better, more polished woman. Why did the other royal and noble women sound so much more elegant than she did? Elise paused and swallowed. Despite her high rank, she knew it was unlikely Bikaia would ever desire her. She was the daughter of a duchess of a backwater duchy, whose greatest exports were lumber and fish, and Bikaia had so many other, more appealing brides.
There were the princesses of Floralia, Patch Land, and Seventopia as well as numerous other noble and royal women competing for the young king’s affections. Even the witch-queen of Traumwald, a woman who—before Bikaia—had kept negotiations with Dreamland to a minimum, had teasingly suggested slipping a love potion into Bikaia’s wine. At least, everyone assumed the witch-queen was merely making an uncomfortable joke; Bikaia had smiled uneasily and had taken appropriate precautions.
“Hello, pet,” Elise murmured.
She would never find the courage to call him that.
Her heart raced. It was a little easier for her to conceptualize calling him ‘dearest.’ What would it be like to call him an endearment? To greet him each morning as dearest. To pull him close to her and hug him and kiss his soft lips. She shuddered.
“Hello, Bikaia,” she whispered to the morning air.
No man’s name should ever sound so sweetly on her lips, and yet his did. It sounded like magic, like the first brush of winter wind whipping through the treetops.
Sweat plastered Bikaia’s hair to his forehead and—most temptingly—had drenched his thin, white tunic, making it cling to his arms and chest in a way that would have otherwise been wholly indecent. While Elise couldn’t see the exact curves of Bikaia’s pectorals or abdominal muscles, she could see enough to set her imagination ablaze with the most unladylike fantasies. As a royal woman, likely bound to an arranged marriage and with a duty to produce heirs, Elise had heard horrible tales of what happened to women on their wedding nights. But Bikaia…oh, kind, sweet Bikaia! Elise just knew he would be a gentle and considerate lover. A warm flush spread to Elise’s cheeks.
Once Bikaia drew nearer, Elise dared look at him, her eyes meeting his without flinching. Exertion had given Bikaia’s cheeks a warm, red flush and made his eyes brighter and grayer.
“Good morning, Elise,” Bikaia said.
Didn’t her name sound so beautiful coming from his soft lips?
“Good morning, Your Majesty,” Elise replied.
A crack of thunder split the air, and a man appeared. He was snow-pale with blond hair and soft, gray eyes. His clothes were strange, all-white and trimmed with gold. Elise furrowed her brow uncertainly. Then, with lightning-like speed, the man cleared the space between them. His hand reached for Elise’s bodice, pulling it up. With his other hand, the man tried to wrap a heavy shawl around Elise’s shoulders. “You should not tempt good men away from the path of righteousness, you hussy!” the man intoned. “Don this modesty shawl and cover yourself up!”
Elise slammed her hand into the man’s chest, unleashing a burst of ice magic. The shawl fell to the ground. “How dare you?” she asked.
“Witch!” the man exclaimed. “How dare you use powers that do not come from God?”
With a crackle of fire and lightning, Bikaia drew Galaxia. “How dare you assault a woman?” he asked. “If you wish to meet a god, I’ll show you the bite of Galaxia of the Sacred Fire!”
“I was only teaching her to behave as a woman ought to!” the man declared. “She should not be putting her bosom on display in such a terrible manner!”
“An’ what gives you the right to go ‘round an’ telling women how to dress?” Elise snapped.
The man shook his head and sighed. “I fear you are already too far gone. If only you were married to a noble man, one who might guide you down the path of righteousness.”
Elise’s face grew hot. “I might done be married to a noble man if you weren’t ‘ere and ruinin’ my chances with him!”
“Who are you?” Bikaia asked.
“I am a messenger from the future!” the man declared. “In the future, men’s ignorance has caused Dreamland to become ravaged and lifeless!”
“How?” Bikaia asked. “If there is some dark force threatening Dreamland, I shall smite it as I have countless others.”
“No!” the man replied. “What destroyed the world is…female presenting nipples.”
“How?” Bikaia asked.
“How?” the man echoed.
“How did—” Bikaia waved vaguely to his chest. “—nipples destroy the world?”
“Female presenting!” the man declared, pointing at Elise.
Elise, who had read more books concerned with anatomy than was proper for a woman, stared blankly at the man. Never in her life had Elise heard of “female presenting” nipples.
“So…” Bikaia trailed off. “How is Elise’s bosom going to destroy the world?”
“Well, I wasn’t actually there,” the man said, “But I heard someone once saw a female presenting nipple, and boom! End of the world.”
“Wait,” Elise said. “I don’t understand.”
“Agreed,” Bikaia added. “I feel like you’re neglecting some crucial details. For example, around the castle, we have many beautiful works of art depicting the goddess Nova’s bare breasts, but I’ve yet to meet anyone moved to destruction by the sight of her.”
“I’m not leaving out any details. It happened just like that. Nipple. Boom! Everyone dead. Now, I am a great hero with the power to warp reality, so I travel through time, making—”
“A great hero who gropes women’s bosoms,” Bikaia deadpanned. “You’re so heroic, I feel like I might just swoon.”
“I was not groping her breast.”
“Oh, I apologize. You were merely reaching beneath her dress to adjust it to your liking. Did you also grasp her shift while you were doing it?” Bikaia asked.
“You’ve nothing to be so high and mighty about,” the man sneered. “You’re the product of sin yourself! Your mother seduced a prince of Dreamland and steered him away from the path of righteousness!”
“My mother was a chambermaid,” Bikaia said, his voice strained. “Do you truly believe she had any choice? Do you think my father would have listened to her protests even if she voiced them?”
Elise lunged forward, ice magic arching towards the man, but before she reached him, he vanished with another sharp crack. Slowly, Elise halted, her chest heaving. The man was gone.
A throat cleared. “Elise,” Bikaia said.
She inclined her head towards him. “Yes, Your Majesty?”
Bikaia’s hand lighted on her cheek. Elise stiffened and swallowed past the lump in her throat. Her heartbeat quickened as Bikaia’s face moved into view. “I’m certain there’s a spell we can use to find that heinous man,” Bikaia said. “I shan’t let any man assault a lady and remain unpunished.”
“I know,” Elise said.
Bikaia swallowed and smiled awkwardly. “I had wondered, though, about something you said. Have you been…trying to get my attention?”
Elise bit her lip and nodded haltingly. “This wasn’t how I’d hoped you’d find out, Bik—Your Majesty.”
“For what it’s worth,” Bikaia said, “I did notice the difference. I thought you looked so beautiful when I saw you standing there, framed by the roses. And the way the sunlight caught in your hair took my breath away.”
“I had thought,” Bikaia said, “That we might chase this fiend together, and after we find him, we should return to Dreamland and—if you will it, sweet Elise—begin planning our wedding.”
Happiness bloomed inside her. “Yes!” she exclaimed, throwing her arms around Bikaia’s neck. “Yes, more than anything!”
Bikaia nodded. “Then, let’s find that monster. I only pray that we can thwart his villainous schemes before he warps reality beyond recognition.”
Chapter 2: Kirby Christianman
Because the one thing Dreamland University was missing...was Reverend Nightmare.
Once upon a time, there was a boy named Kirby Stellarum. He lived with his mom in a small, coastal town, where he was a good, obedient boy who did all his chores, but he always felt like his life was missing something big, something that he just couldn’t name. He just knew that it was something that wasn’t the candy and pre-processed food that his hussy of a mom always made. Then, one day, there was a knock on the door, and everything changed.
“Answer the door, Kirby!” Kristiana, a bitter, single mom and career woman, barked.
It seemed like, being a woman, Kristiana ought to be opening the door out of respect for her grown son and his position as the head of the household, but because Kirby was a good, obedient boy, he opened the door anyway. He would respect his mom even if she was a career woman who didn’t take care of him.
On the porch, there stood a man about Kirby’s age. He had completely respectable blond hair and gray eyes. He was dressed very modestly with a button-down shirt that was definitely not too tight on his abdominals or pectorals and very modest slacks that showed absolutely nothing. Around his neck, he wore a necklace that looked like an upside-down T, and the sight of it filled Kirby with warm fuzzies. He was so happy, and he just couldn’t figure out why!
“Good morning,” the man said, smiling amiably. He had a very friendly sort of face, a face that Kirby immediately trusted because it was a good and sweet and pure face that had clearly been touched by the holy forces. “My name is Meta Knight. May I speak to your father?”
“I don’t have a dad,” Kirby said sadly, looking down at his blue—and totally appropriate for a boy—shoes. Perhaps, that was why Kirby felt so lonely, he thought. There was no guiding male presence in his life, only his evil and shrill mom who had raised Kirby following the advice of peer-reviewed psychological studies and doubtlessly caused him irreversible trauma. She also had no time for him because she irresponsibly worked two jobs and took college classes online.
“I am so sorry to hear that,” Meta Knight uttered empathetically. “Why, you live alone with a woman? You must be lacking so much guidance in your life! I can’t even imagine how terrible it must be to live without a man to command your mother to fulfill her womanly role. It’s so sad that it makes me want to act out John 11:35.”
“But you can speak to my mom,” Kirby said politely, while blinking his large, blue eyes.
“Your mom?” Meta Knight asked, sounding aghast.
“What do you want?” Kristiana snapped, peering out the door with sharp, narrowed eyes; and she was wearing a very unflattering, baggy pantsuit that showed her bra strap; which tempted good, straight men into thinking sinfully about her female presenting nipples.
Because he was a good man, Meta Knight did not mention Kristiana’s sexy harlot bosom-strap. But he could see why Kirby was so lost. Not only did Kristiana allow her bra strap to show, but she was wearing a lace-covered bra. What a hussy! “Hello, Neighbor,” Meta Knight said. “I just wanted to know if you’ve been saved.”
Kristiana laughed shrilly; and leaned forward on her sinful stilettos. “Saved?” she asked. “Don’t tell me you’re one of those Christians?”
Kirby did not know what the word Christian meant, but he did know that Meta Knight’s face had the most peaceful, happiest smile he had ever seen. It just filled Kirby with warm feelings inside. He wondered why his mom never smiled like that…
“Yes, I am,” Meta Knight replied gently. “Are you?”
Kristiana laughed again; and stuck her pointy, wrinkled nose up in the air. “We don’t need God! We’re too smart for that! We have the goddess Nova! We literally have historical records proving her existence. Would you like us to educate you on her?”
“What is a Christian?” Kirby asked, blinking his big, blue eyes; and he scuffed his bright blue sneaker on the gray, shaggy carpet which the evil hussy Kristiana hadn’t vacuumed in quite some time due to being very tired from working all the time to support herself and her child. If only she’d married Kirby’s father, who had been possessed by a demonic force and abused her every time he came to visit! Eventually, Kristiana’s patience would have won the demonic force over, and he’d have stopped being horrifically abusive, but alas, Kristiana was too selfish.
“Christians are people who want to do good,” Meta Knight said; and he crouched awkwardly, trying to make himself eye-level with Kirby, which was kind of awkward because Meta Knight was only taller by about an inch. “We want to go to heaven after we die. Do you know where Heaven is?”
Kirby shook his head; and his eyes were wide and curious.
“Heaven is a place where we can be with God,” Meta Knight opined.
Kristiana smacked her hands over Kirby’s ears; and her voice was sickly sweet when she said, “Thank you, Sir. But we have the goddess Nova and science and healthcare. My son does not need your religion. Haven’t you heard of the goddess Nova? I have a very good book on the goddess Nova.”
Meta Knight laughed wisely. “The goddess Nova cannot save you because she does not exist! She is a fairy tale!”
“Yes, she does!” Kristiana screeched.
“Well, then, prove it!”
Kristiana’s mouth gaped open; and her big mouth covered in harlot red lipstick hung open; she had always demanded that Christians prove their religion; but she couldn’t even prove her own! It was then that Kirby knew who the smart one was!
“Tell me how to get to Heaven, Meta Knight!” Kirby gushed; and clasped his hands together. Sometimes, the wisdom of eighteen—almost-nineteen—year-olds is really amazing. We adults think we know everything, but then, we realize how much little ones really know. Humbled.
“All you have to do is be saved. Do you wish to be saved?” Meta Knight exposited.
“I do, I do!” Kirby squealed, jumping up and down.
“Then, pray the sinner’s prayer!”
Kristiana tried to stop him, but her sinful nature wasn’t powerful enough to fight Kirby’s pure, holy, innocent energy. Soon, Kirby had said the prayer without even being told what it was. Meta Knight beamed joyously.
“You’re a Christian now, Kirby!” Meta Knight cried proudly.
Kirby smiled brightly; but then interrogated. “But wait! How do I know how to be a Christian?”
Meta Knight grinned brightly. “There is only one place to go and learn, Kirby! The Dreamland University of Prayers and Miracles!” Meta Knight exclaimed; thereby saving Kirby from the horrors of going to the affordable and accredited community college up the road.
“The Dreamland University of Prayers and Miracles?” Kirby asked; and looked shyly at Meta Knight, whose eyes shone with brightness of perpetual platonic peacefulness. Just hearing the name of the university made Kirby feel all warm and fuzzy; and he wanted inner peace and all he had to do to have that was to be a Christian. “I want to go there!”
Meta Knight beamed brilliantly. He had been praying so hard to lead a lost soul to God; and he was so happy that he had saved Kirby from the evil grasp of his career hussy mom who had sex outside of marriage and probably believed in universal healthcare. Meta Knight praised God for letting him save Kirby. If Meta Knight had waited too long, Kirby might have turned into an evolution-believing nymphomaniac married to a career woman. Or worse! He might have worshiped a goddess!
“You must come with me at once!” Meta Knight exclaimed.
“Don’t do this!” Kristiana cried. “Kirby! You don’t know this man! He might be in a cult! You can’t just—just go with him! I’ve never even heard of this school.”
Kirby looked at his mom. She had been a terrible mom, but she was still his mom. Could he actually stand to leave? No, he clearly had no choice. He had to leave right away! He was saved, and Kristiana still believed in the star-goddess Nova!
“No, Mom,” Kirby said holily. “Nova is not real.”
“Kirby,” Kristiana said, “We literally have historical records—”
“No! I’m going to the Dreamland University of Prayers and Miracles!” Kirby exclaimed; his voice full of perpetual Protestant passion. “And you can’t stop me, Mom!”
“You’ve literally known this man for two minutes!” Kristiana cried desperately. “He might be a criminal!”
Kirby gasped. “How dare you talk so badly about a man of God? But don’t worry, Mom! I forgive you because of Judges 16:4!” extrapolated Kirby, who had never read the Bible in his life.
“Kirby Stellarum!” Kristiana cried. “Come into this house at once!”
“No!” Kirby groused. “And I am no longer Kirby Stellarum! That last name comes from the false goddess-hussy Nova! I am now Kirby Christianman!”
Meta Knight stood stunned at the wisdom of Kirby Christianman! He did not know how Kirby could forgive such an evil career woman! Meta Knight could definitely learn a lot from Kirby about how to forgive people.
“Hello,” said Fluff, who came behind Meta Knight.
Clearly, this boy was a godless heathen; as evidenced by his blue hair.
“I’m your foreign exchange student,” the blue-haired boy said.
“I hope you are someday saved, too!” Kirby gushed; and he stepped past the confused foreign exchange student.
Having left behind the two Nova-worshiping monsters, Meta Knight and Kirby walked to the end of the road.
“How will we get to the school?” Kirby extrapolated.
Meta Knight sank to his knees in the middle of the street, nearly getting hit by a car. Fortunately, the power of God protected him; and Meta Knight pointed for Kirby to get onto his knees, too. Then, Meta Knight cried out, “Dear God, take us away from here!”
Kirby heard someone shouting about how he needed to get out of the road. Then, he vanished; and appeared in front of a very modest college with a giant cross in front of it. A tall, thin man with pale skin stood in front of Kirby. He wore a very modest suit with modest shoes. A beautiful and modestly dressed women with blonde hair stood beside him. “Hello, Kirby Christianman,” the man said. “I am Reverend Nightmare. This is my wife. She used to be named Delilah, but when she became a Christian, she cast off her sinful name. Now, she is named Mary.”
“It’s nice to meet you,” Kirby said with holy politeness.
“You, too,” Nightmare said. “And Meta Knight.”
Meta Knight nodded in an only passably holy way. Then, he walked away.
Nightmare sighed. “You see, Kirby, I was possessed by a demonic force for ten years, and I was very abusive to Meta Knight. So abusive that I turned him down the road of Catholicism, therapy, and psychiatrist-prescribed medication, “Nightmare said; and his voice was filled with perpetual Protestant sorrow. “I keep telling him that all he needs to do is be a better Christian, but he insists that he needs his evil drugs. He even got a flu shot last week! And I saw him with a hussy at a coffee shop last week.”
Mary put a hand to her chest and began crying tears of sadness. “The hussy wore skinny jeans!” Mary exclaimed. “And she uses the New King James Version instead of the King James Version!”
“And worse!” Mary exclaimed. “She was wearing red! The color of harlotry! And—and she works as a waitress, and when I gave her a Bible tract instead of money for a tip, she did not fall upon her knees and immediately ask for redemption!”
“There, there, Wife,” Nightmare said. “It is not for you to worry about my son. You are to be a mother and a nurturer, while I am to be the head of household who controls everyone and everything. I promise that spicy Halcandran harlot will not lead Meta Knight astray. If she does, I will lock him in our holy prayer closet to pray away that evil harlot’s clutches.”
Kirby nodded; his blue eyes were filled with innocent understanding. It was then that Kirby knew he had to save Meta Knight from the evils of Catholicism, therapy, and modern medicine; and he also needed to save Meta Knight from the evil skinny jean-wearing hussy.
Chapter 3: The Greatest Evil of All
I am having far too much fun with this.
“I’m so happy to meet you, Reverend Nightmare,” Kirby said enthusiastically.
“Please,” Nightmare said, “Call me Reverend Crucifixplate. That is my preferred address. I only keep the first name Nightmare as a reminder of how evil I used to be before. My only wish is that my dearest, beloved son would also adopt my last name.”
Nightmare Crucifixplate gave Meta Knight a distraught look.
“We’ve talked about this, Father,” Meta Knight said, “I wish to keep my mother’s maiden name—”
Mary, who’d previously been Delilah, fell over in a feminine swoon, so aghast was she at the thought of a man choosing to have a woman’s last name. Especially a last name that didn’t sound Christianly!
“I did not adopt you and your sister from a third-world nation where your mother clearly couldn’t take care of you; just so you could keep such an atrocious last name!” Nightmare declared concernedly. “Crucifixplate is a very blessed name!”
“De Brillante Armadura is a perfectly respectable last name,” Meta Knight said. His voice sounded almost un-Christianly; and Kirby gasped holily. Already, Kirby could hear Satan rejoicing at Meta Knight’s blatant disobedience. Although Kirby was but a young Christian; he already knew Meta Knight needed a reminder of Exodus 20:12.
Nightmare cast Meta Knight a sad look of unfathomably Christian sorrow. For a second, Meta Knight gave into the evil temptation of not honoring his father; and it was then that Kirby knew he must do everything in his power to save Meta Knight, that handsome, handsome man from the insidious tentacles of his evil, neglectful mother who was probably not named after the one true God.
“Kirby,” Meta Knight said; clearly too ashamed to continue talking about his sinful deeds, “Lived with an evil career woman who worked two jobs and went to college, trying to further herself instead of looking after her child; and Kirby didn’t even have a strong, male presence in his life to help him!”
The thought of a young man not having a father was slightly more horrifying than a man taking a woman’s last name. Mary wept several tears of delicate, womanly compassion. Reverend Nightmare Crucifixplate shook his head sadly.
“Some parents think they know everything,” Nightmare said morosely; his voice was so patient and kind that Kirby knew he could immediately trust him; Nightmare was truly the kindest, most wonderful man that Kirby had ever met. “But they don’t. All those parents that want to seek outside help from other places—like psychological studies and others—have no idea what they’re doing. Only good parents know how to parent.”
Kirby nodded sagely. Nightmare seemed like a wonderful parent!
Nightmare announced authoritatively, “You can take your classes tomorrow! We’ll get you set up in your dormitory, but first, you can have a family dinner with Mary, Dark, and me!”
Kirby had never had a real family dinner before! His mom ate with him all the time obviously, but she didn’t really count.
“Come with us, then!” Nightmare cried jubilantly; and then he got onto his knees. Everyone else did the same; except for Meta Knight who wasn’t allowed to attend family dinners until he took the last name Crucifixplate and stopped seeing that spicy Halcandran harlot at the local coffee shop. It might have sounded like intolerance to other people; but Kirby was a new Christian and, therefore, recognized this as tough love!
Lifting his manly, Christianly pale hands toward Heaven, Nightmare bellowed like a trumpet. “Dear God! Take us to the kitchen!”
And then, they were in a very modest, tasteful kitchen unlike the moderately cluttered one that the evil hussy Kristiana always had. If only she’d been married, then, Kristiana could’ve been a subservient wife, as came naturally to women, and she might have had such a clean kitchen. Kirby shivered when he remembered how his evil mom used to make him load the dishwasher sometimes; and she just hadn’t understood that he was a man and not meant to load the dishwasher!
“This is amazing!” Kirby shouted in delight. Kirby was still getting used to the miraculous might of prayer. Sometimes, we the people take things for granted; and it takes a new and young Christian for us to understand how truly blessed we are. Even just teleporting into the kitchen is an act of the one and true God.
“God is a swell guy,” Nightmare replied knowingly.
“Verily,” Mary said; and she clasped her elegant, small hands in prayer. “Oh, God. We are grateful for everything you give us. Please, set me a table with fine china, diamond-encrusted silverware, a blue, silk tablecloth, a perfectly cooked turkey, mashed potatoes with cilantro and saffron, flaky biscuits covered in butter, fried squash, green bean casserole, the finest corn, and apple pie with vanilla bean ice cream. And please, send our thoughts and prayers to all those children starving in Halcandra. I don’t know how they survived so long without us Christians coming in and teaching them your way! And I pray that lots of people buy shoes that donate free pairs to those starving children!”
By the grace of God, all the food appeared exactly as Mary had said! Truly, Mary was an unparalleled wife for her skill in the kitchen! If only Kirby’s evil hussy-mom had been so good at preparing meals!
Suddenly, a teenage girl ran into the room. She wore a bright white dress; and had straight dark hair and skin that was a lightish tan. She smiled like only daughters can smile. “Welcome home, Father!” she greeted.
“Hello, Dark,” Nightmare said. “Meet Kirby Christianman, our newest student!”
Dark smiled sweetly; and immediately Kirby could tell she wasn’t like all the other girls in Kirby’s public school. Those girls only cared about being evil career women and going to college in misguided attempts to find men! Didn’t they know that only bad men went to public colleges?
Seeing Dark; Meta Knight’s sister and how cute she was only strengthened Kirby’s resolve to save Meta Knight from going down the path of destruction.
“May I help with dinner?” Dark asked.
“It is already prepared,” Nightmare said holily.
Next, a very respectable looking man of average weight came into the room. “Hello, Father, Mother, and Sister,” the man said.
“Dedede!” Nightmare guffawed. “This is Kirby Christianman.”
“Hello, Kirby,” Dedede said holily. “Welcome to the family.”
“Thank you,” Kirby replied sacredly.
“Where is Meta Knight?” Dedede asked. “Has he still refused to take the glorious last name of Crucifixplate?”
“He has,” Nightmare said sorrowfully.
“Oh,” Dedede said, “Then, I shall be Christianly and eat dinner with him; so he is not alone.”
Mary wept, overcome with the weight of Dedede’s Christianly compassion.
“You are such a good man!” Nightmare declared. “I think all Christians could learn something about brotherly platonic affection from you! And all those heathens, too!”
“Indeed,” said Dedede; whose voice was heavy with the weight of appropriate heteronormativity.
As Dedede departed to give Meta Knight some appropriate, brotherly companionship following the strict guidelines of no homo because Meta Knight wasn’t gay. And it was cool if people wanted to talk about how Meta Knight was gay because that wasn’t homophobic; but like it just didn’t make sense because Meta Knight obviously wasn’t gay. He clearly needed a romance with Susie because she said one vaguely creepy line about finding him marginally attractive; and that was proof that the man who spent all his time with other men was clearly straight. But like; ship him gay if you want. I don’t care; I don’t know why people keep talking about it? I’m not baiting; just making serious inquiries about why you would want to make him gay? Because it just isn’t needed; and like, there wasn’t any need. And also, people could stop shipping together women, too; because there’s no need to ship Francisca and Susie or something especially when Meta Knight is right there?
But not wanting people to be gay; especially in a way that really isn’t hurting anyone; isn’t homophobic. It’s just respecting the source material. Also; that degenerate fanfiction writer with her gijinka fics needs to stop. Like; she can clearly write things besides gijinka; but she doesn't always. And gijinka fics are the worst thing ever in the fandom; so that female writer who probably lives alone with four cats needs to stop. You know the one. Like; how would she feel if people took her characters and made them gay or lesbians?
And they all sat down to eat just as God had wanted.
“God sure is wonderful!” Kirby exclaimed; overwhelmed by the purity he felt in God’s presence.
“Alas, all is not well,” Nightmare said. “We Christians may now be facing our greatest threat yet.”
Kirby gasped. “What sort of monstrous person would ever want to hurt Christians?” he queried; his blue eyes wide with heavenly innocence.
“His name,” Nightmare said, “Is…Bikaia.”
“How horrid!” Kirby exclaimed. “What does he do?”
“He wants to get rid of all Christians and replace us all with evil goddess worshippers!” Nightmare exclaimed. “And worse! He abuses his fiancée!”
Dark wept many delicate, crystal tears, moved by the plight of another young woman.
“You see,” Nightmare said, “A woman has a different place from a man. A woman’s place is to be quiet, patient, obedient, and the perfect wife! But she can only be a perfect wife if a man teaches her how, and Bikaia has not! He insists that his fiancée is his…equal!”
Mary pulled Dark to her bosom, and the two women wept.
“I’ve even heard that in some areas, he defers to her!” Nightmare lamented. “And everyone knows that women are not as good at the same things that men are! Why, a woman governing as well as a man? Women like that simply do not exist! They’re like unicorns or—or transgender people! Isn’t that right, Bandanna Dee?”
Reverend Nightmare Crucifixplate turned towards the orange throw pillow sitting demurely in one of the chairs around the table. Once, the pillow had been a person, but upon coming out as a transgender man, that person ceased to exist; much like half the world’s population at the end of that one movie; except that Kirby was a goodly Christian and had never seen that movie which featured evil wizardry and a false god. All that remained was a pillow. It didn’t move; but Kirby knew the orange pillow was agreeing.
“But how will I know if I meet the evil Bikaia?” Kirby inquired inquisitively.
“He might look like this,” Nightmare replied, drawing a picture from his wallet that he'd not stolen without permission from someone's Tumblr account.
Nightmare, of course, kept this photo because he might need to show someone his nemesis. It definitely didn’t have anything to do with having an un-Christianly hate-boner for the heathen king of Dreamland because Nightmare was a firm believer in the ancient Christian creed of no homo; and as Kirby gazed upon that photo, his blood froze in his veins. It was as if Satan himself was staring back at Kirby. That horrid face, those soulless eyes. Kirby had never imagined that such an evil being could possibly exist in Dreamland.
"How horrifying!" Mary exclaimed; as a single, crystal tear swept down her cheek.
"Now, now," Nightmare said; patting his wife's hand. "You know that we must be kind and merciful towards people who do not believe as we do. When we see Bikaia, we must do the Christianly thing and scream at him until he converts. And we must pray for his immortal soul, while insulting his religion."
"You...you're right!" Mary wept. "It's just so hard because he looks like a man who would abduct small children and hold them captive in the woods somewhere!"
Nightmare, who was lamentably handsome; nodded sagely. "It's probably because he lets his pagan wife run over him. It's so tragic. I'll bet she's like a medieval career woman."
"Why is Bikaia so...round?" Dark asked.
"Because he is filled with evil," Nightmare replied. "That is also why he has such long; fluffy hair. He does not realize that it is a sin for a man to have long hair."
Kirby Christianman morosely shook his head; there were so many handsome men that he needed to save from the clutches of Satan and so many poor, misguided women that needed to be taught to be good and Christianly.
A woman had fallen. Fortunately, Dreamland’s most dashing thief just happened to be on the scene. Daroach folded down the collar on his grand, scarlet coat and quickly checked his reflection in a nearby window. Then, assuring that the wind was blowing in the appropriate direction, he approached the woman who’d fallen upon the grass.
And what a woman she was! A long mane of glossy, blonde curls fell past her shoulders and halfway down her back. Her crystal blue eyes were set in a soft, delicate face. She looked like the princess from a storybook, an impression aided by the elegant blue gown she wore, and fortunately for her, Daroach was a perfect Prince Charming. “Hello, Miss,” Daroach purred, “May I offer you a hand?”
The woman’s eyes darted about nervously, even as she took Daroach’s hand and let him guide her to her feet. “Bikaia?” she asked.
Bikaia? Something indistinct inside Daroach responded to that name. It seemed important, like he ought to know that name already. But why? Bi-kai-a. Daroach toyed with the syllables in his mind, breaking them apart and echoing the name over and over. There was something, but he just couldn’t figure it out. Finally, he shook his head. He was probably just mistaken. “Who is Bikaia? A charming friend of yours?” Daroach asked.
Now, he might get to flirt with two beautiful ladies.
“My…my fiancé,” the woman said, looking around her. “I—I ain’t sure what happened. I think I’ve lost him!”
A fiancé? Scratch the two beautiful ladies thing, then. A beautiful lady and a really sexy man.
“Well, my Lady,” Daroach said, tipping his hat and winking, “You’ve found the right man. I’ll do everything in my power to reunite you with your fiancé.”
“That’s real kind of you, Sir,” the woman said.
What an adorable accent! Daroach vaguely recognized it as being from one of the northern territories. Once, they’d been called the Duchy of the Stars, but that had been so long ago. After the Duke of the Stars launched his war against Dreamland to protect Halcandran refugees, he’d lost and lost badly. The Duchy had been conquered and the Duke’s people enslaved, and Daroach, like most Halcandran descent, felt a sort of loyalty to that region.
“All in a day’s work. I’m Daroach. It’s a pleasure to make your acquaintance,” Daroach said.
When the woman smiled, she took Daroach’s breath away. Color blossomed over her cheeks like morning glory flowers opening with the sunrise. “I’m Elise.”
“Elise,” Daroach replied, “What a lovely name.”
That name sounded vaguely familiar, too, although Daroach couldn’t imagine where he’d heard it from. Elise. Surely, he’d have remembered if that name belonged to a woman as beautiful as this one.
“Perhaps,” Daroach said, offering his arm, “I can take you to a nice coffee shop, and you can tell me about your friend.”
Elise linked her arm with his and smiled. Daroach noticed that she was an inch or two taller than he was, and his heart skipped a beat. What a beautiful, elegant woman! Whoever Bikaia was, he was a very lucky man.