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Miracles Do Come True

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Once there was a hot lesbian named Juri Arisugawa. She was the best at everything: dueling, fencing, bowling, you name it. But she had one weakness: Shiori Takatsuki. To Juri, she was the most beautiful woman in the world: she had chin-length hair the color of the most expensive wine in the world, and her eyes were pure sugilite. Her breasts were the perfect size: not too big, and not too small (lesbians like breasts, right? I’m not objectifying!!!) Her feet were also tiny and dainty, because we need to bring that up for some reason.

Juri pined for Shiori day in and day out. But one day, her angelic crush turned out to have the soul of a devil.

“I noticed you really like that gorgeous dude Ruka. So do I! So I’m taking him away from you.” Shiori bragged. “Neh neh neh neh neh~!”

Juri was heartbroken! But not for the reason Shiori thought it was. She wanted Shiori for herself! (Though the straw that threatened to break the camel’s back was Shiori’s favorite Disney princess was Ariel. ARIEL. That bratty mermaid had nothing on her, SHE is the superior redhead! Er, carrothead)

Juri could not stop crying, so she hid her tears in the shower and concealed her sobs with the crooning of Fiona Apple’s discography.

But one day, Juri learned the truth. Ruka Tsuchiya was actually an evil alien from the far-off planet Sourdough! His "illness" was that he turned back into a loaf of bread and he needed to recharge his powers. He brainwashed Shiori and turned her into a bitch so the entire world would hate her! (As if poor Shiori didn't hate herself enough!)

"I challenge you to a duel! Shiori is mine!" Juri declared to Ruka.

"HAHAHAHAHA you're too late! Shiori is my bride forever!" Ruka cackled with Shiori draped around his arm. They made out for good measure.

"Grrr! I must remain strong!" Juri cried. So she imagined herself kissing Shiori in Ruka's place. It was a long and hard duel, but Juri remembered what Shiori told her long ago... believe in miracles and they will come true.

"I'm-a Ruka, I'm-a gonna win!" Ruka ejaculated. "Oopsie doopsie, there goes your sword!"

"Oh no!" Juri gasped as her sword was knocked off by Ruka and flipping high in the air. The evil duelist pointed his sword at Juri's rose.

"Don't worry Juri, I'm going to take good care of Shiori!" Ruka laughed. "First we're going to marathon all of the Michael Bay Transformers movies together. Then I'll have her shovel manure from all 69 farms in Ohtori. Finally, I'll have her analyze and write praising essays about all of Piers Anthony's books, all while the sweet sweet music of PewDiePie's LPs bleeds her ears. She'll be my slave forever!"

But suddenly, something amazing happened! Juri's sword landed straight down and obliterated Ruka's rose!

"OH NO! I LOST!" Ruka screamed.

"NOW YOU'RE TOAST!!!!" Juri shouted. And indeed he was! Ruka turned back into his true form, and she sliced him into pieces and put them into the toaster.

"Oh Juri! My hero!" Shiori cried. "I'm so sorry for what I did under the influence of that big meanie! Will you forgive me?"

"Of course I do!" Juri grinned. "But I got a better question. Will you kiss me?"

"HELL YEAH" Shiori cheered.

So all the Ruka toast got eaten by Chu-Chu, and Juri and Shiori got married and lived happily ever after.

Epilogue: Akio was also a bread alien and he got toasted and eaten too.