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Let Them Eat Cake!

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Fern doesn’t like to brag, but he is very good at being sneaky.

Grassy feet make sneaking around very, very easy. Always soft and shifting on the floor, no click-click-click or clack-clack-clack. More swish-swish-swish. Except for on grass, when it’s more fwiss-fwiss-fwiss, with his grass rubbing up against the regular grass.

Anyways, the point is that Fern is very good at being sneaky and at sneaking around.

And he has obviously chosen to use this power only for the deepest and darkest depths of evil.

Right now, Fern is fwiss-fwiss-fwiss-ing through some fields of knee-high grass behind Finn.

It’s even windy out, which makes Fern’s fwiss-fwiss-fwiss nearly indistinguishable from the fwiss-fwiss-fwiss of the grass with the wind going through it.

In this moment, Fern is the perfect killer.

Which is why it’s so easy to grab Finn around the waist and lift him over his head.

“Wh- dude! What’s goin’ down?!”

“It’s a kidnapping,” Fern yells, turning around and running back to the tree house. “Don’t worry about it.”

“Who’s gettin’ kidnapped?”

“You. Don’t worry about it.”

“What the what! Why am I getting kidnapped!”

“Quit worryin’ about it!” Fern opens the door to the treehouse with one of his tendrils and throws Finn in. “Hang out here for a couple dozen minutes and I’ll be back.”

“Is this payback for stealing your cereal? Jake said it was alright!”

Fern pauses. “You stole my cereal?”

“Uh,” Finn says, scratching the back of his head. “See you later?”

Fern squints at Finn and makes the “I’m watching you” motion with his hand, before he closes the door and runs off.

For his next incredibly heinous performance, Fern’s feet go swish-swish-swish.

“Oh, hello, Fern!” Peppermint Butler calls out. “What are you doing here? Do you have anything going on?”

“Hey, Pep Butt!” Fern says, waving back. “Don’t worry about it. I’m just here to kidnap PB.”

“You’re going to be kidnapping the princess?” Peppermint Butler asks. “You know, I can’t really let you do that.”

“Nah, don’t worry. I’m only gonna kidnap her for a couple hours. Plus, she’s pretty much guaranteed to have a good time, too!”

“Oh, okay,” Peppermint Butler says. “Usually, when her highness gets kidnapped, she isn’t happy about it at all. But as long as you’re cool, I guess it’s fine.”

“Oh, and I am super cool,” Fern assures. “Deffo don’t worry about the princess. She’ll be fine.”

“Fern?”

Fern looks over from his conversation with Peppermint Butler to see Princess Bubblegum walking towards them. “What are you doing here?”

“Hey, PB,” Fern says. “Do you mind if I kidnap you?”

PB furrows her brow and stares at Fern. “Usually, I don’t get asked if I want to get kidnapped.”

“Yeah, well, you have like, a super ton of dangerous stuffs that you would probably use to like, accidentally hurt me if I came after you by surprise, so I figured I’d ask.”

“For how long?” PB asks. “I have a kind of time-sensitive thing going on.”

“Only for a few hours.”

“Yeah, okay. Pep Butt, keep an eye on stuff, ‘kay?”

“Aye, highness!”

“Alright,” Fern says. “Do you want me to carry you on this kidnapping, or would you rather walk?”

“I’ll walk, if that’s alright. I usually get carried when I get kidnapped, so let’s keep the changes going.”

“Yeah, alright.”

Fern strolls back out of the castle with PB, his devious machinations well under way. They have a nice chat on the way back to the treehouse, about the different kinds of flowers that are growing in Ooo.

“Here you are, m’lady,” Fern says, holding the door open for her and scraping a bow.

“Why, thank you, F-” Princess Bubblegum manages to say, before she gets nailed with a gold coin to the forehead.

“Oh, dunk,” Fern says.

“Oh, dunk,” Fern hears Finn say, from inside the treehouse. “Sorry, Peebles. I thought you were Fern. He kidnapped me!”

“Yeah, he kidnapped me too,” PB says, face still semi-frozen in the shock of getting nailed with a gold coin. “I think it’s cool, though. Is there much left, Fern?”

“Nah, not realsy. I just gotta nab Marcie real quick and I’ll be right back.”

“Alright,” PB says, face finally unfreezing. “Thank you for the kidnapping, Fern. See you in about twenty minutes?”

“Prob’ly. Bee Are Bee!”

As Peebles walks into the treehouse and shuts the door behind her, Fern sprints out through the fields.

For his next extremely nefarious act, Fern’s feet make more of a svelch-svelch-svelch noise, as he creeps through the grotto.

There’s guitar coming from the house, which means that his plot will be undetectable until it has already been carried out.

He climbs the trellis against the wall easily, and the window is already open. In the room, he sees Marceline, sitting in the air, and playing the guitar.

Fern attempts to climb through the window, and immediately falls over a shelf directly beneath the window.

Marceline turns around, makes a hideous face, and hisses at Fern.

And then, immediately stops hissing when she recognizes Fern.

“Fern?” she asks. “What are you doing here, dude?”

“I’m trying to kidnap you,” Fern says, upside-down. “Unfortunately, I seem to be feet-up and head-down. Would you let me kidnap you out of pity?”

“Uh, why? ‘Cause if you’re trying to kidnap me for marriage, or for my dad, or something-”

“No, no, no,” Fern interrupts. “Don’t worry. I’ve already kidnapped Finn and Peebles, and they’re good with it! Well, mostly. Finn nailed PB with a gold coin. But he did eat my cereal, so it isn’t like he doesn’t deserve this, y’know?”

“Uhh, okay,” Marceline says. “If you kidnap me, can we fly? I got the lazy legs today.”

“Yeah, sure. You can even come in through the window, if you want. But don’t ruin the surprise.”

“Yeah, okay,” Marceline says. She tosses her guitar to the bed , and floats out the window, over Fern. “Catch ya later, alligator.”

“After a while, crock-and-dial,” Fern agrees, somersaulting into sitting up straight.

Marceline’s laughter echoes in the cave as she flies away, while Fern jumps out of the window and starts sprinting back to the treehouse.

When he walks through the front door, he almost gets nailed by a gold coin, before he ducks out of the way.

“Oh, come on, Finn,” he says, though he keeps walking. “I kidnap you one time! And besides, you ate my cereal.”

“You did eat his cereal, Finn,” PB points out. “And he has only kidnapped you once.”

“Oh, blahhhhhhhhhhhhh,” Finn says. “Why did you kidnap us, dude-a-rude? I don’t think you can ransom all three of us.”

“‘M not gonna ransom you, dudesker. ‘S upstairs, why I kidnapped you.”

Finn sprints over to the ladder and scrambles up, while the Bonnibel follows at a more sedate pace, and Fern behind her.

“Oh, dunk! Marcie, when’d you get here?”

“Fern kidnapped me,” Marceline says from the couch. “Hey, Fern. What’s good.”

“Hi again, Marcie. Hang on, I just gotta knock on the stove.” Fern walks over to the stove and knocks on the top of it three times. After a moment, the door of the oven pops open, and Jake walks out, carrying a slightly sloppily iced cake.

“Hey, dudeskis and dudetteskis!” Jake says excitedly. “I got kidnapped earlier. How about y’all?”

“Kidnapped,” Marceline agrees.

“Yup, kidnapped,” Princess Bubblegum says, as she vaults over the couch to sit next to Marceline.

“Also kidnapped,” Finn says, sounding much less excited than Peebles or Marcie.

“But he ate my cereal,” Fern adds.

“Okay, that’s fair, then,” Jake says. He sets the cake up on the table, and claps his hands together. “C’mon, gang! No more video games, it’s cake time!”

“Fern, you kidnapped us so we would eat Jake’s cake?” Marceline asks, still focusing on BMO. “We’d’ve eaten it anyways.”

“Nah, this ain’t my cake,” Jake says. “Fern made this all by himself. I’m just here to hide the surprise, and also have some delicious cake.”

“Oh, dunk,” Finn says. “Dude, you didn’t tell me you were kidnapping us to feed us delicious homemade cake!”

“You didn’t tell me you ate my cereal! Fern argues, even as he sits at the table.

“He’s got you there,” PB points out, as she vaults back over the couch and finds her own seat at the table.

“And yet, I’m still good enough to share cake with him,” Fern says. “I am a saint.”

“You really are,” Finn agrees. Fern cuts a slice of cake for him, and then larger slices for Bubblegum, Marceline, Jake, and himself.

“Marcie, turn off the videogames and have a slice of cake,” Jake yells over.

“In a minute!” Marcie yells back, looking frighteningly focused on whatever video game she’s playing.

“Cake!” BMO shouts, turning off Marceline’s game for her. They get up off the coffee table and run over to sit at the table.

“Gahhhhhh,” Marceline groans, throwing her head back. She floats up and over the couch to sit at the table, and pulls over the single cherry-red slice of cake from in front of BMO, then passes them a slice of cake with sprinkles on it.

“This is pretty good,” Finn says, with his mouth full.

“Not bad, for a first try,” Bonnie agrees.

“Very red,” Marceline says.

“Very tasty cake,” BMO says, cake smeared all over their face.

They finish the afternoon and the cake, and have an extremely great time, with only half of them getting any cake in their hair at all.