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Records, and retellings from the SPW Foundation

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1. If a Zombie, Vampire, or pillar man want to interact with the human staff, a minimum of two Hamon users must be present in the room at all times, only one exception.

 

2. The exception to the above rule is Kars. If he wants to interact with human staff members he can go fuck himself with a bag of the biggest, grossest dicks he can find he has to be secured in rank-6A restraints and has to be accompanied by a minimum of three stand user staff members.

 

2.1. Joseph, this is serious don't edit this document unless it's important. You fuckwad Kars apologist! that Bastard love child of a peacock made of cocks and pure evil ate my hand! We both know what you did Joseph. Don't pin all of this on Kars.

 

3. While the security protocol is in place, intentionally provoking Zombies, Vampires, Pillar men, aliens, etc. is a bad idea. And it will have consequences.

 

4. Aliens and Stand/User hybrids in the foundation are free to interact with any human staff without restraint or enforced security as long as they are well behaved.

 

4.1. If they fail to behave, appropriate restraint protocol will be set in place.

 

5. All non-stand/Hamon user staff has to be equipped with some form of Hamon-infused weapon at all times in case of a containment breach. While they are rare, they are full-on massacres.

 

6. Non-combative staff members are not allowed anywhere near the containment chamber levels without Director approval.

 

7. The Idol of Alesseth is not to be approached by anyone under the age of 30.

 

7.1. Even if someone of or above the age of 30 approaches the Idol if its shadow shows itself do not touch it if it touches you get to the medical bay immediately (see Alesseth record and the Interview with Alesseth and Agent Polnareff for further details).

 

8. Mysterious liquids with no known history that suddenly appear out of nowhere are not to be trusted.

 

9. Do not intentionally provoke Josuke, the kid might be small and his stand's main abilities are healing/repairing but he can be really dangerous when provoked. (See Angelo Stone file)

 

10. Joseph Joestar is not allowed anywhere near or on a plane While my brother was unlucky enough to have every plane he fly on crash horribly, his luck of surviving those said crashes is just that: luck. He is not cursed and crashing planes and surviving is not his stand's ability. Aww, I love you too Jonathan.

 

10.1. Yes, I'm sure that Joseph himself has nothing to do with the crashes unless he's the one flying the plane, in that case, it is 100% his fault. Why do you do this to me Brother?

 

10.2. No, we are not "Making him fly a metric fuck-ton of planes all at once to watch that glorious shit hit the fan" and I am not an 'Illuminati-brainwashed moldy sock puppet' for repeatedly refusing this ridiculous request planes. are. EXPENSIVE. Yes, you are. Dr. Kakyion I trusted you.

 

11. Nobody is allowed to get into any kind of fight with the contained. Too bad buddy, Kars and I still have a score to settle. Joseph no. Joseph yes.

 

12. Keep Agent Polenareff away from any toilets at all costs Much like Joseph's weird plane luck, just because Agent Polnareff has survived multiple life-threatening experiences in bathrooms, it does not mean he is cursed.

 

12.1. Every time Joseph crashes a plane, there's a toilet death trap with Polnareff's name on it this is a correlation, not causation. Please stop spreading superstitious rumors, Agent Horse.

 

12.2. However, 'Bathrooms must be inspected for supernatural and or hostile evidence daily' is a perfectly valid addition to this list, thank you Agent Polnareff.

 

13. The animal stand users are not allowed near vampires due to Dio being... Dio.

 

13.1. For more specific evidence please see the 'Sheer cold, phantom blood' recordings

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1. Pillar men and vampires are not allowed to interact with each other without Hamon user supervision.

 

1.1. in light of the 'Hamon hell death cage match' incident, Pillar men and vampires are not allowed to interact if Caesar is the Hamon user 'supervising' I am honestly surprised that I'm not writing this regarding Joseph.

 

1.2. You think that's weird?! Esdisi, Wamuu, and Santana are actually pretty cool guys, I'm still not over that. It's like they were all destined to be assholes but Kars wanted to be the alpha asshole so much that he absorbed all the other pillar men's assholeness.

 

2. Any member of the contained beings that can be killed by sunlight are not allowed above the underground levels of the foundation during the day.

 

3. the more aggressive Hamon user and Stand user staff members are not allowed to be left alone with the undead. Especially if the said staff hold some sort of grudge with any of the undead.

 

4. if an item that damages and or weakens other beings via exposure/being in close range is discovered it is to be locked up in an airtight containment chamber that's a minimum of five kilometers away from any and ALL people in the foundation. This includes all of the undead as well.

 

4.1. Yes, this does include Dio, stop asking me to change the rule to exclude him.

 

4.2. He might be one of the far less well-behaved people in the containment chambers, and might not be my brother by blood, but Dio is still my brother and I'm not going to intentionally cause him pain just because he is an unpleasant vampire. 

 

5. The following is no longer allowed to be sent to containment chambers: bees, poorly cooked tuna casserole (decently cooked tuna casserole is still allowed, but it is on thin ice), spiders, excessive amounts of dish soap, locusts, life-size cardboard cutouts of Speedwagon Bruford ANYONE associated with the foundation, hyper-realistic paintings of hands, angry Japanese giant hornet nests, firearms, exactly five cans of expired canned soup, coffee-flavored gum, technicolor fursuits, blankets with Joseph's face on them, ugly Christmas sweaters with Joseph's face on them, ANYTHING with Joseph's face on it.

 

5.1. In all fairness, the insects and firearms should have been a big red flag from the word go. But all of the other stuff? really? 

 

5.2. For the record, I'm well aware that Joseph's only responsible for a quarter of that list.

 

6. Lisa Lisa is not allowed to be left unattended with any of the undead, as it never ends well for them.

 

7. group therpy sessions are held every Tuesday, all staff and contained people are allowed (and encouraged) to attend, none are allowed to kill the therapists for any reason.

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1. As this is a top-secret organization, whoever is giving postal services directions to this foundation needs to stop.

 

2. Trying to tame vampiric animals is a terrible idea if you yourself are not a vampire or pillar man.

 

2.1. Agent Horse, we have confiscated your 'Majestic noble steed of sheer badassness' and nothing you say or do will make us return it.

 

3. Video game tournaments are still allowed, but they must be supervised.

 

3.1. betting souls during said tournaments is not allowed.

 

4. Playing "Ocean Man" on repeat when Dr. Kujo is nearby was only funny once. Don't do it again.

 

4.1. other banned unofficial soundtracks for Dr. Kujo include: "under the sea", the jaws theme, any form of a sea shanty, "weird fishes", "sail on sailor", any "remix" of Ocean Man, the Spongebob theme song

 

4.2. in fact, let's just shorten that to "Dr. Kujo does not need a soundtrack" period.

 

5. Foundation staff members are not allowed to marry any of the contained.

 

5.1. Any particular reason why you crossed that out, Jonathan?

 

6. The SPW foundation's front is a real estate agency called Joestar Homes, it is not any of the following: a body pillow factory, the world's worst clothing corporation ever, a pet shop, Area 51, The American ANY form of government, a monopoly on "bara hentai" or any type of hentai for that matter, any form of airline, a hospital, a cryptozoology museum, an assassination organization (1. because that is a terrible cover 2. Just because we have a lot of staff who used to be assassins, it doesn't mean we are an assassin organization)

 

7. putting a manga in the hallway and yelling "THE STAND/USER HYBRID BOINGO HAS ESCAPED CONTAINMENT!" is right out.

 

7.1. especially because it makes his brother panic.

 

8. To the motherfuckers who keep teasing Jonathan about his love life, stay in your goddamn lane. Only Dio and I are allowed to do that.

 

9. Dr. Kakyoin is not "king of the holy alien tapeworm people" please stop referring to him as such.

 

9.1. Dr. Kakyoin is not allowed to put "king of the holy alien tapeworm people" on his resume.

 

10. Kars' and Mikitaka's shapeshifting abilities do not make them "the best fucking petting zoo in the entire goddamn universe" do not market them as such in public.

 

10.1. Kars does not hesitate to eat people, please think this through.

 

11. giving silver chariot the emperor and the blade of Anubis is strictly forbidden unless it's a dire circumstance. It took THREE WEEKS to get my stand back! THREE. GODDAMN. WEEKS!

 

12. throwing multiple Stand/user hybrids, the pillar men, vampires, and zombies into an arena and telling them to "duke it out" is right out.

 

13. Yes, having a coworker flirt with your family is unprofessional and undesirable, no it does not mean you can kill him.

 

13.1. that being said, non-lethal retaliation after repeated instances is allowed.

 

14. Agent Horse, we know you're the reason no 13. exists, don't think about going after Sherry, instead, think about going after her closeted gay brother with the amazing tiddies. WHOEVER WROTE THAT, MEET ME BEHIND THE FOUNDATION DUMPSTERS AT 5!

 

15. while the yearly Halloween party has not been canceled indefinitely the following costumes have been banned: sexy corn, stop sign, a bucket of leeches, any costume that puts emphasis on the *ahem* male anatomy (you, people, DO know that there are children here right?), Joseph as Kars, sexy bacon, a toaster, the slender man, anyone as Jonathan, You're still mad about the year I convinced everyone to go as you aren't you? a Christmas tree, any of the teenage mutant ninja turtles, sexy Dio, left shark, a body pillow, Joseph as Kars in drag, a volcano, the moon, sexy swiss cheese, anything with excessive amounts of denim

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File photo:

image

 

(Nobody could get close enough to the statue itself to take a proper photo of it, and Joseph's spirit photos were too blurry to use, so it's shadow will do.)

 

Contained type: Stand/User hybrid

 

Is it dangerous?: yes.

 

Range: (E) The statue cannot move when observed and its shadow can only move roughly five meters away from it.

Speed: (D?) The shadow's true speed is hard to determine due to its poor range.

Destructive Power: (D) While the shadow does have an ax, it is not very good at using it and is a poor physical fighter in general.

Developmental Potential: (D) The statue's battle strategy involves weakening the opponent and going in for the kill, It's very unlikely for it to change its strategy anytime soon.

Precision: (D) Due to the statue's violent nature and short temper, the attacks from the shadow are sloppy.

Durability: (C) The statue can feel pain much like a human can. When the statue is damaged enough, its shadow's effects are undone.

 

Physical Description: The Idol of Alesseth is a 165 cm tall mannequin-like statue with a strangely shaped head which has three horn-like protrusions, two larger ones on the sides of its head with what appear to be bells hanging off of them and a smaller pointed horn on the top of the statue's head. The statue's face has two eyes that appear to be made out of topaz and a 'mouth' that looks more like a crudely carved small beak that looks like the statue is smiling when seen at the front. The torso of the stature is a dark pinkish hue while the legs appear to be made out of white marble. The statue's arms are a tannish color, crossed in the same manner as a pharaoh's and each hand is holding an ax. There appears to be a long-barreled handgun at the statue's feet.

 

Ability Description: The Idol of Alesseth itself cannot move when observed by anyone. It only moves when isn't being watched and it doesn't make any noise while moving, giving off the illusion of teleporting. It can cast a shadow which when touched, reduces the victim's age at a rapid speed. When its victim has been reduced to a more helpless form, the sadistic entity will use its axes to chop it's victims up. The longer the victim is in the shadow, the younger the victim becomes. The victim's mind also reverts to a younger state and memories made as an adult are quick to fade rapidly. Luckily, it seems that the victim does keep some memories of being older. If it was not for this fact, it would be likely that Agent Polnareff and Agent Horse would've not called for backup in time and would've been killed by Alesseth.

 

Personality Description: The Idol is a cruel yet cowardly entity that makes strange doublethink-like leaps of logic, assumably in the effort to rationalize his own sadistic behavior to itself. Any adult that intentionally or unintentionally makes themselves appear as a threat to the statue's well being is quickly dealt with by the shadow. It hates children to the point where it will attack a regular child that does not present themselves as a threat, simply because it was angry at them. The shadow seems to only come out when there is one or less adult present. In spite of the honorless nature of the entity's attacks, it seems to be very proud of its work.

 

Discovery: The Idol of Alesseth was brought to the SPW Foundation's attention when there were several reports of mutilated children who were not recognized by the community found in a small town of [REDACTED] near Cario in Eygpt. Reports from local Adults said that they didn't see anything except for a creepy statue while children reported a scary shadow-like monster that chased them when they got too close. Agents Polnareff and Horse were sent to deal with the crisis as at the time, it was believed that the threat could only hurt children. After a call for backup in French had been received by the Foundation specifically by a much younger sounding Polnareff, which was then translated into stuttered English by an almost as young sounding Hol Horse. The Idol's abilities had been found out and Joseph had been sent in due to his experience working with five-second strategies, his stand which can give divine information, and Hamon obscuring his true age enough to give him an advantage over the Idol.

 

Capture: While the first attempt to catch the Idol did not work out very well due to the lack of understanding of the statue's nature. However on the second attempt, due to the Idol's bullheaded lack of strategy, lack of experience in a genuine battle, and confusion over Joseph's assumed immunity to it, the entity was quickly overwhelmed and thrown into a sealed crate which was later transported to the Foundation and kept in an appropriate containment chamber.

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Q. Why on earth is Joseph Joestar allowed in the foundation at all when Records show that he's clearly an agent of chaos?

 

A. Because I'm an unofficial member of the contained beings, specifically an ancient god of mischief who grew too powerful to be properly contained While Joseph's personality can be inconvenient to work with at times he is a valuable asset to this organization. Besides, most of those records are decades old, you don't think that he managed to pull off all of that nonsense in one fell swoop did you? (You want me gone, you find someone who can run a real estate agency AND a co-run supernatural containment foundation, has over a century of Hamon training, a stand that can give divine information, AND IS GOOD WITH KIDS!)

 

Q. If Jonathan and Joseph have been running this place since the late 19th century why do they look like they're in their early forties?

 

A. Hamon. We're really good at using it.

 

Q. If the Joestars are so powerful why bother with recruiting and sending stand users and Hamon users to different areas to recover supernatural things and creatures?

 

A. In addition to the fact that just having one family bloodline deal with these many entities and objects that are likely to destroy the world as we know it when fallen into the wrong hands is a bad idea in general, it's not always strength that determines victory, it can be abilities, behaviors, and strategies as well. (Tamami's stand's ability would've killed us both but Tomoko didn't need a stand or Hamon to kick Tamami's ass to the moon, only fists and rage.)

 

Q. Is Agent Hol Horse related to Robert E. O. Speedwagon in any way?

 

A. Their hair kinda looks similar and they both wear strange hats but to everyone's knowledge, they are not related. (But we've never taken a DNA test to be sure, so they could be.)

 

Q. Why are there children in the SPW foundation?

 

A. Some of them have stands and came from abusive households, some have stands that are too destructive to have them go into the world untrained but are not isolated from their families, and others belong to staff.

 

Q. Why is there a transparent figure of a scarred man with a bowler hat wandering the foundation in the odd hours of the night?

 

A. That's Speedwagon's ghost. You get used to him after a while.

 

Q. Is Joseph Dating Tomoko? I thought he was married and had a daughter?

 

A. I'm divored, don't ask further, I don't like talking about it.

 

Q. Is Jonathan single?

 

A. He's trying to cure his WIFE's vampirism and doesn't really show interest in other women (or men), leave him alone.

 

Q. Why isn't Dr. Kujo a field agent? he can stop time, it would make capturing entities so easy!

 

A. He didn't apply to be a field agent, he applied as a marine biologist.

 

Q. Does Jonathan have a stand?

 

A. Bold of you to assume Speedwagon isn't his stand. If he does have a stand nobody knows what it is or what it does.

 

Q. Why does Dr. Kujo look like a buff, stressed-out Junji Ito protagonist with bad fashion choices?

 

A. I thought he was one.

 

Q. Why are all the men in the Joestar family that muscular?

 

A. Every day we benchpress the weight of our sins.

 

Q. At least six different people in the foundation have the nickname "JoJo" doesn't that get confusing?

 

A. Yes.

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Interviewer: Dr. Sherry Polnareff

Interviewee: Dio Brando

[BEGIN LOG]

 

Dr. Polnareff: Good evening Dio Brando, My name is Dr. Sherry Polnareff, I've brought you here to ask you a few questions about your relationships with the staff and other contained that you know, your experience with vampirism, and any thoughts you might have about the foundation. Shall we begin?

 

Dio: I suppose that I, Dio, will humor your questions, as there isn't anything else that this blasted foundation will let me do.

 

Dr. Polnareff: Well, the foundation would like to remind you that although we support contained entities pursuit in interests; World domination, turning human beings into zombies and or other violent supernatural entities, any amount of homicide, Mind Control, unethical creation of chimeras, attempted use of foundation personal as a full-body prosthetic, and starting cults dedicated to having people worship yourself are not Speedwagon foundation approved activities.

 

Dio: (is scoffing and rolling his eyes)

 

Dr. Polnareff: Okay, let's start off with an easy question, If the Speedwagon Foundation was a hotel, how would you rate it?

 

Dio: 0/10 I'm being held here against my will Dr. Polnareff, what do you think I, Dio, would rate this miserable place?

 

Dr. Polnareff: What are your thoughts on the other vampires in the foundation?

 

Dio: Vanilla Ice is undoubtedly the best of them as he is powerful, useful, beautiful, and also is the most loyal to me. Nukesaku was also loyal but he was too useless to be anything but bait. Erina, while I do despise her attempt to humiliate me and her later attempt to kill me, she is the reason why I stand before you as a vampire. Straizo has a terrible personality, no redeeming qualities, and even Jojo doesn't like him very much.

 

Dr. Polnareff: Who is Nukesaku? I don't see his file anywhere in the system.

 

Dio: Oh, are you a new staff member? Nukesaku was a vampiric minion of mine who had died in a containment breach not too long ago.

 

Dr. Polnareff: I've been working here for five years and seven months.

 

Dio: ah, I see, time flies when you don't age.

 

Dr. Polnareff: Which Jojo were you referring to? According to the records, you know all six of them.

 

Dio: I was thinking of Jonathan but I suppose it could apply to Joseph as well.

 

Dr. Polnareff: You said that Erina was the reason behind your vampirism, would you care to elaborate?

 

Dio: She was the one who had shown me the true power of the stone mask. I had assumed that the mask was some sort of ritualistic execution device due to Jonathan's studies on the item, I had planned to use it on him but before I did so, I had tested it on Erina as it seemed fitting to have one of Jonathan's remaining reasons for happiness to be destroyed by his own life's work. It backfired obviously, she had turned into a vampire and had tried to drain my blood only to be thwarted by the sun. But it wasn't a complete loss, even if she did prove to be a rather meddlesome ally to Jojo.

 

Dr. Polnareff: The records state that you grew up with Jonathan and Joseph, you seem to hate them but also like them in a sense. what are your thoughts on your foster brothers? what was it like growing up with them?

 

Dio: When I had first arrived at the Joestar mansion I assumed that Jonathan and Joseph were the exact same person. As in, for weeks I thought that the Joestar household was just George, Jonathan who could move really fast and had some form of memory issues, the staff, and Danny until one fateful day when I had seen Jonathan and Joseph in the same room.

 

Joseph: I remember that day! the look on your face was priceless and we didn't even get grounded!

 

Dio: DID YOU TWO PLAN THAT?!

 

Dr. Polnareff: Mr. Joestar that containment cell has walls that are 2 meters of solid titanium with a Hamon-infused unbreakable glass window. How did you get in there?

 

Joseph: Magic, as for the questions for Dio about our relationship and childhood, maybe it's best if it's done on a different day and Jonathan, and I are present for that interview, there's a lot to cover there.

 

Dr. Polnareff: Fair enough. Are you, Jonathan, and Dio willing to cooperate for this proposed future interview?

 

Joseph: (is putting his artificial hand on Dio's shoulder) Spending quality family time with my favorite adopted vampire brother? I wouldn't miss it for the world.

 

Dio: (speaking through gritted teeth and is fake smiling) Jojo, if you don't take your hand off of me I will. eat. it.

 

Joseph: Better luck next time buddy, Kars already beat you to that punch. See you again on Tuesday. (is leaving the area)

 

Dio: (is scoffing) I swear this 'Kars' fellow he talks about so much has beaten me to every punch I try to throw.

 

Dr. Polnareff: So you don't know the pillar men personally?

 

Dio: In spite of them and I both having reasons to fight the Joestars, I, Dio, refuse to associate myself with them. From what I have learned about them from Joseph, they will refuse to show me the respect that I deserve. Which is nonsense! I saw what happened in last year's holiday party.

 

Dr. Polnareff: Oh yeah, and I forgot they ate vampires.

 

Dio: Let's change the subject, You wanted to know about my vampiric experiences right?

 

Dr. Polnareff: Yes, is human blood a type of cure-all medicine or a type of food to you? and does it have any variety in flavor?

 

Dio: I can regenerate without the use of blood but using blood does speed up the process to make that ability much more useful. As for flavor, yes there are slight differences in how the blood tastes. My favorite flavor of blood is definitely Joestar blood. It's rich, sweet yet savory, and it tastes like victory.

 

Joseph: (yelling from somewhere outside the containment chamberHOW WOULD YOU KNOW WHAT VICTORY TASTES LIKE?

 

Dio: (yelling backCOMING FROM A MAN WHO DRESSES IN TERRIBLY DONE DRAG AND WHO'S FAMILY'S 'SECRET TECHNIQUE' IS RUNNING THE FUCK AWAY FROM A BATTLE?

  

Joseph: (still yelling but slightly closer now) I STILL KNOW WHAT VICTORY TASTES LIKE.

 

Dio: (yelling back and looking for Joseph) NOT IN A DRAG RACE YOU DON'T!

 

Joseph: WHAT'S THAT, YOU WON A DRAG RACE? GOOD FOR YOU DIO! WITH YOUR NORMAL FASHION CHOICES I KNEW YOU HAD IT IN YOU! AND YOUR NEXT LINE IS "WRRRRRRRRRRRYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!"

 

Dio: WRRRRRRRRRRRYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!

 

Both Jospeh and Dio: ('wry'ing in unison)

 

Dr. Polnareff: Okay, I think we're going to end it here before this escalates any further, Thank you for your cooperation, Mr. Brando, I hope we can talk again soon.

 

[END LOG]

 

Chapter Text

File Photo:

 

Contained type: items

 

Is it Dangerous?: not on it's own.

 

Physical Description: The stone masks are a collection of masks that appear to be made out of a currently unidentified type of stone. The designs on the masks themselves vary from mask to mask, some being made for animals instead of people. The variation that carries the most interest is the Aja Stone mask, a variation of the design which has an indent made for the red stone of Aja, a type of stone that conducts Hamon. When in contact with human or pillar man blood, multiple stone tendrils extend from the mask to pierce the brain of whoever's wearing it when worn. The Masks were made by the pillar man Kars in the attempt to allow his race (well, what's left of it) to survive the sun

 

Ability Description: When worn and in contact with blood the stone tendrils pierce the wearer's brain. If the wearer is human then the wearer turns into a vampire. If the wearer is a pillar man, then their pre-existing supernatural abilities will be enhanced. The Aja stone Mask when worn by a pillar man and activated, turns the wearer into an ultimate lifeform then breaks to pieces, most likely due to the amount of power released. It is unknown that the Aja mask will do if used by a human or a vampire and will not be tested due to the Fact that anyone who uses the mask needs to feed off of blood to survive.

 

Discovery: The stone masks were the first supernatural items to ever be in the foundation's possession. The one shown above was found in the Joestar family's possession and at the time of its discovery was assumed to be the only one. A few years later more stone masks were discovered in Mexico, along with the pillar man Santana. Even more stone masks were found in the pillar men's temporary residence including more Aja masks, implying that Kars did intend to turn the other pillar men into ultimate beings before his defeat, the drastic mental decline in isolation, and capture.

 

Addendum: While a chance to use the masks was (stupidly) offered to the other three pillar men, they declined as they were briefly reunited with Kars in his mentally deteriorated state earlier and probably assumed that the mask took his mind. We have no intentions of correcting them as there is a high chance of destroying their positive relationships with human staff. Yes, multiple Aja masks were discovered we are not testing them on humans or vampires due to the fact that anybody that the stone mask pierces will need to consume blood to survive. (That, and the only willing volunteer for the said experiment is Dio, who is the LAST person that needs to be made more powerful and harder to keep contained.)

 

Addendum 2: Technically, Joseph didn't volunteer for that experiment, he only asked Dr. Kakyion "If I drank a 2-liter bottle filled with 5-hour energy shots and used the Aja mask on myself, would I become a god or die instantly?" To which he responded "Don't move I'm on my way." unfortunately, due to security camera complications we don't know if they did it or not (In case it wasn't clear we REALLY hope they didn't do it.) But if he did volunteer do you people truely think we would go for it?

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1. Dr. Kakyion is not allowed to test on the contained entities and or other staff members without their consent or permission. ESPECIALLY if it's one of the directors.

 

2. While taking contained persons out of the foundation is still allowed with proper supervision, OTHER contained persons do not count as Foundation approved supervision.

 

2.1. Joseph doesn't count either, as at this point he's technically one of the contained persons.

 

2.2. And taking any of the contained beings to Vegas, a strip club or anywhere that has multiple known cryptid hunters is right out.

 

3. Nobody is allowed to send lewd spam mail to the passione or any other gang in Italy.

 

4. Any requested form of containment involving the phrase "chainsaw cannon firing robot mechs" is right out.

 

5. Declaring war on Italy is not allowed.

 

5.1. Neither is declaring war on Britain.

 

5.2. In fact, let's not declare war on any country, okay.

 

6. Kars is not the "final boss" of anything. Please stop trying to fight him, you people are only making this worse.

 

7. "Why the fuck not? we're probably all going die horrably tomorrow and go to hell anyway, so why not do the forbidden science while we still can?" is NOT a good reason to do further testing on supernatural entities and the stone masks.

 

8. While the Speedwagon Foundation does have the resources and the abilities to create giant monsters and make them fight, no.

 

9. Okuyasu's stand erases space, not time. He is not the antiDio.

 

10. Whoever keeps stealing Agent Will Zeppeli's hat needs to stop.

 

11. the chimera DannIggy is not to be provoked or attacked in any form. If this rule is broken he will retaliate and do so in a very vulgar manner.

 

11.1. Yes, I know that he looks like something that came out of a horror movie, No I'm not getting rid of him. I love him.

Chapter Text

The following is an incomplete collection of decoded and coded messages from Joseph's Stand. All messages shown here are messages that were made when he was under the influence of various substances, while other messages were made when he was sober they are not here as they were clear-cut instructions on what to do. As Hermit Purple's ability is divine information, while not a single message has been ignored due to the sporadically scattered nature of the under influence messages, foundation staff still find messages everywhere in a variety of mediums as it seems Hermit Purple was desperate to get most of these down using any method he could.

 

Messages that were made using alphabet soup, scraps of any form of a paper-like item with words on it, broken keyboards, and birthday cake candles shaped like letters. assumably made under influence of the tranquilizers entering his system:

 

"February 7th, 1889, Jonathan hasn't returned from the war, I fear the worst has happened." -Status unsolved. (Jonathan does have rather bad luck on every February 7th, but the year is 20XX.)

 

"The surface of Mars is made of dicks" -Status unsolved.

 

"There's like over 288 Jojo, def more but I stopped counting. Good god, imagine trying to call all of them, Hey Jojo jojo jojo jo jojo jojo hat jojo jojo jojo jojo jojo punk jojo jo jojo jojo jojo jojojo jojo jojo joey jojo jojojojojojojo jo GioGio jojojo JOOOOOOJOOOOOOO jojo jojo jo jojo sailor boy jojo jojo jojo knight jojo jojo jojo jojo lesbian jojo jojo jojo jojo invisible jojo jojo jo jojo cowboy jojo jojo jojo jojo jojo jojo jojo mime jojo jojo jojo jojo joey jojo jojojojojojo corrupted jojo jojojojo jo jojo JOJO jojo jojo jojo stoner jojo jojo jojo jojo hobo jo jojo jojo jojo jojo jojo jojo vampire jojo jojo jo jojo jojo farmer jojo jojojo jojo jojo fish jojo jojo jojo jojo asshole jojo jojo jo jojo jojo gay as fuck jojo jojo jojo jojo joot jojo jojo jojo jojo pilot jojo wait he's not supposed to be a pilot oh god we're all going to die, jojo jojo jojo jojo jojo prince jojo jo-" (he ran out of soup) -Status, solved(?) what we believe that Hermit purple is trying to say is that there are multiple universes.

 

"Stop acting like Grandpa Jonathan would be a dick to us about how we act, if anybody's rolling over in his grave over manners, it's George." -Status unsolved. (Theorized to be meant for another universe as no records of the Joestar family tree reveal a Grandfather named Jonathan.)

 

 

"Jojoedipus" -Status unsolved. (Staff hopes that it doesn't mean what they think it means)

 

Messages that were sent to staff phones via Joseph's phone, assumably under influence of alcohol:

 

"Hey, Caesar, thanks for not being dead. I know you hate my guts but it would really suck if I cried every time I smelt cheap bubble soap" -Status unsolved.

 

"Dr. Kakyion you're a fake ass hoe with a faker evil spiky brain tumor" -Statis solved: A flesh bud was found to have been planted in Dr. Kakyion's mind, after removal it was discovered that Dr. Kakyion had no memories of applying for the job here or any of his accomplishments in the foundation.

 

"Dio you absolute shitheel, when you steal my brother's dick don't use it to make a kid and then abandon your son/nephew to a fucking awful mom and an abusive jackass [LOCATION REDACTED] there, now go pick him up and bring him to us, that kid deserves better. Welcome to the fucked-up hella cursed family Italian Jojo." -Status solved: when a pair of agents were sent to the location, child stand user Giorno Giovanna was found and brought to the foundation. DNA testing has proven that Giorno is indeed both Dio and Jonathan's son. (please don't take this paragraph out of context.)

 

"Jonathan, God used you to catfish a metric fuckton of people." - Status unsolved.

 

"Agent Polnareff, if we don't declare war on Italy, they're going to steal your bones please get me out of containment so I can help you save your bones I assume you like having bones." -Status solved: during Agent Polnareff's last visit to Italy he had lost his legs in a fight with an Italian Gangster.

 

Messages that were recorded off of the television, Assumably under the influence of any mixture containing too much caffeine for a human being to handle:

 

"HE'S GOING TO KILL MY SON, TOMOKO, AND HER DAD TOO! [LOCATION REDACTED] HELP THEM! SAVE THEM! HURRY HURRY HURRY HURRY HURRY HURRY HURRY HURRY!" -Status solved: An incredibly violent serial killer in Moroh who had recently come down with the stand infection had been thwarted by an unknowing Josuke, the killer tried to take revenge on him only to be stopped by Josuke and the foundation personnel who were sent to the location. As the foundation worried that the Higashikata household could have caught the stand infection (Josuke had shown signs of it, at the foundation it was later revealed he had the worst case of the infection ever recorded.), Josuke was taken as well as the other two members of the Higashikata family into the foundation under the fear that they too could be carriers of the disease.

 

"WHY DID GOD STEAL MY BRAIN?! WAS I TOO POWERFUL AND NEEDED TO BE NERFED? TELL ME!" -Status unsolved

 

"GET ME OUT OF CONTAINMENT SO THAT I CAN KICK A GAY NERD PRIEST'S STUPID THIRSTY ASS BEFORE HE FUCKS UP THE TIMELINE" -Status unsolved, the request was denied.

 

"EVEN WHEN JONATHAN AND I AREN'T BROTHERS, OUR DADS ARE ALWAYS NAMED GEORGE AND HE ALWAYS DIES TOO SOON. WHY ARE YOU LIKE THIS, GOD?" -Status solved: the message is referring to alternate universes.

 

"FEBRUARY SEVENTH, EIGHTEEN-EIGHTY-NINE FEBRUARY SEVENTH, EIGHTEEN-EIGHTY-NINE FEBRUARY SEVENTH, EIGHTEEN-EIGHTY-NINE FEBRUARY SEVENTH, EIGHTEEN-EIGHTY-NINE FEBRUARY SEVENTH, EIGHTEEN-EIGHTY-NINE FEBRUARY SEVENTH, EIGHTEEN-EIGHTY-NINE FEBRUARY SEVENTH, EIGHTEEN-EIGHTY-NINE FEBRUARY SEVENTH, EIGHTEEN-EIGHTY-NINE FEBRUARY SEVENTH, EIGHTEEN-EIGHTY-NINE FEBRUARY SEVENTH, EIGHTEEN-EIGHTY-NINE FEBRUARY SEVENTH, EIGHTEEN-EIGHTY-NINE FEBRUARY SEVENTH, EIGHTEEN-EIGHTY-NINE FEBRUARY SEVENTH, EIGHTEEN-EIGHTY-NINE FEBRUARY SEVENTH, EIGHTEEN-EIGHTY-NINE FEBRUARY SEVENTH, EIGHTEEN-EIGHTY-NINE FEBRUARY SEVENTH, EIGHTEEN-EIGHTY-NINE FEBRUARY SEVENTH, EIGHTEEN-EIGHTY-NINE FEBRUARY SEVENTH, EIGHTEEN-EIGHTY-NINE FEBRUARY SEVENTH, EIGHTEEN-EIGHTY-NINE FEBRUARY SEVENTH, EIGHTEEN-EIGHTY-NINE FEBRUARY SEVENTH, EIGHTEEN-EIGHTY-NINE FEBRUARY SEVENTH, EIGHTEEN-EIGHTY-NINE FEBRUARY SEVENTH, EIGHTEEN-EIGHTY-NINE FEBRUARY SEVENTH, EIGHTEEN-EIGHTY-NINE FEBRUARY SEVENTH, EIGHTEEN-EIGHTY-NINE FEBRUARY SEVENTH, EIGHTEEN-EIGHTY-NINE FEBRUARY SEVENTH, EIGHTEEN-EIGHTY-NINE FEBRUARY SEVENTH, EIGHTEEN-EIGHTY-NINE FEBRUARY SEVENTH, EIGHTEEN-EIGHTY-NINE FEBRUARY SEVENTH, EIGHTEEN-EIGHTY-NINE FEBRUARY SEVENTH, EIGHTEEN-EIGHTY-NINE FEBRUARY SEVENTH, EIGHTEEN-EIGHTY-NINE FEBRUARY SEVENTH, EIGHTEEN-EIGHTY-NINE" (It just kept repeating nonstop until the television was taken out of Hermit purple's range) -Status unsolved.

Chapter Text

File photo:

image

 

The picture was taken before being brought into containment, hence why it still seems to have a "nose"

 

Contained type: Former infected Stand User, Currently an Object(?)

 

Physical Description: the Angelo Stone is a creepy boulder that appears to have human eyes and is mostly shaped like a face. It currently no longer has a "nose" as it was punched off in a fit of justified parental rage from Joseph. Stone samples that were taken and examined by staff reveal that the rock contains traces of human DNA. The stone appears to still feel pain and has some form of sentience left as the eyes seem to show fear whenever Joseph and or Josuke are in the stone's line of sight. According to some of the guards, sometimes the stone cries.

 

Ability Description: the Angelo stone in its current state does not appear to have any abilities aside from being highly contagious with the Stand Infection Virus. The strength of the infection is debatable as while Josuke had shown to have caught the worst-case of the Stand Infection seen to date which had lasted a grand total of two years. Joseph, while showing almost as bad physical symptoms had only been down for a couple weeks. Researchers note that the difference in effect could come from the facts that: Josuke was six at the time and had made direct physical contact with the stone while Joseph is a grown man who had not made skin contact with the stone as he had punched it with his mechanical hand until it broke and he was restrained by staff who feared for his well-being. (His hand and well-being, not the stone.)

 

Discovery: The Angelo Stone had Originally been one of the most notorious and vile criminals in Japan, a man named Anjuro "Angelo" Katagiri, Who, after getting infected with the Stand Infection used his newfound abilities to escape death row and cause more illegal activity then he had ever done before. This was only brought to the Foundation's attention when one of Hermit Purple's messages had given the location of the Higashikata household as well as the urgent message to save them from an unnamed threat.

 

Capture: When Foundation Agents were sent into scout out the area for supernatural and or hostile evidence, Angelo was found and forced to retreat but had later came back during a rainy day. Turning himself into water vapor and dealing near-fatal damage to Ryohei Higashikata, also attempting to possess Josuke only to be stopped by that fact that apparently he had shredded a rubber glove and swallowed the scraps to trap Angelo in it. While this had worked, when the foundation was about to load Angelo into an unnamed transport vehicle he had undone the knot in his temporary containment and had tried to possess Josuke again, who had this time used his Stand to punch apart a large rock and Angelo, then 'fix' them at the same time, fusing him and the rock into a single item in the process. The Angelo stone and the Higashikata family were then brought into the Foundation on different transport vehicles.

 

Special Containment Procedures: All Stand User personnel in the foundation are not allowed to come within five meters of the Stone lest they become infected. Non-Stand User personal who work near or with the statue must have frequent check-ins with the medical bay to ensure that they haven't become carriers of the virus.

 

Addendum: While multiple staff members are in favor of destroying the stone due to the heinous crimes Angelo has committed, the directors would like to remind the foundation that keeping Angelo here and intact isn't an act of mercy or forgiveness but rather an act of benefitting the well-being of Stand Users. If the Angelo stone is destroyed, then the dust and pebbles still carrying the Stand Infection could spread and infect lord knows how many people!

Chapter Text

Interviewer: Dr. Sherry Polnareff

Interviewees: Jonathan Joestar, Joseph Joestar, and Dio Brando

[BEGIN LOG]

 

Jonathan: Good, evening Dr. Polnareff, I was told that I was needed for an interview with Joseph and Dio?

 

Dr. Polnareff: Yes, I'd like to ask you three about questions about your past together if that's okay.

 

Jonathan: No problem at all Dr. Polnareff, but keep in mind that there may be some unfavorable topics at hand, this is Joseph and Dio we're talking about.

 

Dr. Polnareff: Duly noted, speaking of which, where are they?

 

Jonathan: Well, Dio is currently being escorted to the area by Agents Caesar Zeppeli and Holly Kujo. As for Joseph...

 

[NAME REDACTED]: (yelling from outside the containment chamber) OH GOD! WE'RE GOING TO NEED BACKUP! JOSEPH HAS BREACHED CONTAINMENT I REPEAT JOSEPH HAS BREACHED CONTAINMENT! (sounds of bullets firing at rapid speeds)

 

Joseph: (yelling back from somewhere outside the containment chamber) I DIDN'T BREACH SHIT JACKASSES! STOP FIRING THOSE FUCKING GUNS! REPAIRING ALL THESE DAMAGES IS EXPENSIVE!

 

Jonathan: ...I have a feeling he will be held up for a bit. But I'll still be happy to answer any questions that you have.

 

Dr. Polnareff: Back when I interviewed Dio, he said that he mistook you and Joseph for the same person. Was he the only one who did that?

 

Jonathan: Honestly looking back, I'm convinced that everyone in the mansion did that at some point or another, we were identical twins with the exact same birthmark who were both given the nickname 'Jojo'. Sometimes even my own Father would call me 'Joseph' and call the actual Joseph 'Jonathan'. But at the very least the household knew that there was two of us, when I met Dio, I learned that apparently, the whole town thought that the Joestar family was just George Joestar and his only son 'Jojo'.

 

Dr. Polnareff: I see, what exactly was the dynamic of your relationship with your family back then?

 

Jonathan: Well, before Dio became the favorite and 'prodigy child', Joseph held that title in our household, I think. I don't know for certain as sometimes I'd be praised for accomplishments that the real Joseph did and scold he'd Joseph for things that I did. I was fairly rambunctious back then but I strived to be genuinely gentlemanlike while Joseph was rowdier and didn't seem to show interest in changing that. but he was and still is talented in mathematics, reading people, and strategy Father even though it would be a good idea to have him inherit the company when he was older- Dr. Polnareff, why are you laughing?

 

Dr. Polnareff: I'm sorry, it's just hard to imagine that seriously especially with knowing what Joseph is like. I mean, Joseph being interested in that stuff?

 

Jonathan: Oh heavens no, He wasn't interested in that at all! As we were both young boys, Joseph was lazy and more interested in using his talents for pranks or to get out of doing studies. Sometimes he'd even complain to me about his talents being more of a curse as father was determined to mold him into the heir of the company against his own wishes of wanting to be a pilot.

 

Joseph: (entering the containment chamber obviously short on breath and covered in blood) MADE IT! Okay, What did I miss?

 

Dr. Polnareff: Not much but do you think that you want to reschedule this interview for later and head to the medical bay, Joseph? you... seem to be full of bullet holes.

 

Joseph: Don't worry about it, they didn't even hit anything vital! So you were asking about childhood pranks I hear?

 

Dr. Polnareff: I mean, If you're willing to talk about it. But I really think you should go to the medical bay because that is a lot of blood.

 

Jonathan: Don't worry Dr. Polnareff, stuff like this happens all the time.

 

Joseph: And this isn't even the worst time it's happened, it's just going to be pretty damn annoying getting all that blood out of the floors.

 

Dr. Polnareff: (is visibly worried) Okay, so you seemed interested in a question about pranks? what was the best one you two pulled back then?

 

Jonathan: We never really 'pulled pranks' together, even in those days I had tried to be someone my father could be proud of.

 

Joseph: Meanwhile I didn't give a shit on what good ol' dad thought about me, but yeah, Jonathan was never my partner in crime, too much of a 'goody two shoes' for that sort of thing, but we did end up pulling a good one on Dio. "The cursed Joestar Family mirror"

 

Jonathan: It... wasn't intentional at first, When Dio arrived I had been the first to greet him, I thought it was going well, but when Danny showed up Dio had kicked him and then, of course, I was angry the first time I meet this boy who's supposed to be my new brother and then he kicks Danny so hard he can't move! Father showed up later, assuming that I and Dio got into a scuffle, Danny and I had gotten in trouble.

 

Joseph: I didn't know about this and greeted Dio at a different time and place, I shoulda been tipped off at the fact he called me 'Jonathan' but honestly I was used to being mistaken for him that I didn't even mention it. I thought he acted weird around me but I chalked it up to not being used to the new place and people and all that jazz.

 

Jonathan: As I was sent to bed without supper and Dio didn't know about my punishment, Dio had only seen Joseph at the Dinner table, and Joseph quickly learned that Dio wasn't someone that he was fond of and thought that 'Jojo' was an only child so he naturally went with it with some prank idea stirring in his mind, acting more like how I normally act when he was around Dio, and asking me to help with his charades by pretending that 'Joseph' was just a dead brother of mine that Father wanted to meet, but never could.

 

Joseph: I swear that my original prank idea was nowhere near as dark as the final project! But when Dio tried to bully me and Jonathan into submission, and Danny mysteriously got burnt in the oven by a "burglar" who didn't even swipe a single valuable item only after we stood up for ourselves, I knew I had to step up my game to get him to fuck off. And what better way then a little scare?

 

Jonathan: and this 'part two' of the prank was getting a large mirror, getting a hollow frame that was Identical to the mirror's frame, both of us telling Dio this made-up story about a fancy mirror in our possession that when reflecting a human being at night, the reflection will come out to drag it's double into a terrifying mirror world where everything is made out of the reflections of the sins of the imprisoned and that it would also take anyone who witnesses it.

 

Joseph: Naturally, Dio called out our bullshit so I responded with the gem "even if you don't believe it, please whatever you do, don't break that mirror! Father would skin me alive if he had found so much as a crack on it!" Dio took that bait hook, line and sinker. That bastard tried to break that mirror the night after we told him not to!

 

Jonathan: ...which Joseph had planned for as this was 'part three' of the prank. Keep in mind that I'm not proud of my actions at the time or my involvement in Joseph's plan. At this part of the prank, we had switched out the real mirror for the frame and Dio walked into a dimly lit room with Joseph and myself 'mirroring' each other. Then Joseph 'strangled' me, pulled me into the frame, jumped out himself and started chasing Dio. It's been decades since that night, and I still can't forget the sheer terror I saw in his eyes...

 

Joseph: and while I was chasing Dio around the house, Jonathan was getting rid of the evidence and getting into bed to make it look like he was asleep the whole time. I stopped chasing Dio and got into bed myself. When Dio woke up father, who in turn 'woke' us up, the whole thing sounded so unbelievable that it was chalked up to Dio having a nightmare and Jonathan and I got off scot-free!

 

Dio: (Shoving his fingers into Jonathan's neck and Joseph's brain) SO YOU TWO DID PLAN THAT GOD FORSAKEN 'JOKE!'

 

Jonathan: (is choking) Dio...

 

Joseph: OH FUCK OFF! YOU TRIED TO DRIVE ALL OF OUR FRIENDS AWAY, FORCED A KISS ON MY BROTHER'S WIFE, AND BURNED OUR FUCKING DOG TO DEATH ASSHOLE! WE'RE NOT GONNA TAKE THAT LYING DOWN!

 

Dr. Polnareff: Thank you for joining us, Mr. Brando. If you would kindly remove your fingers from the other interviewee's bodies so we could get started that would be great.

 

Dio: Hmph (removes fingers as requested and takes a seat) You seem very calm about all of this, Dr. Polnareff

 

Dr. Polnareff: Well, I'm used to it by now, I mean did you not notice that Joseph is practically swiss cheese at this point?

 

Joseph: Excuse you, it's just a few scrapes!

 

Dr. Polnareff: Mr. Joestar may I remind you that you're bleeding all over the floor. I-I don't think any human being can lose that much blood and still-

 

Dio: (audibly clearing throat) Okay moving on...

 

Dr. Polnareff: Oh, right. Dio, I'm told that even the Joestar's own father had trouble telling them apart, after the mirror incident did you figure out a way to do it?

 

Dio: Only by personality, and even then it was a struggle. Both of them were mischievous but had wanted to do 'the right thing' at the end of the day, both were quick to anger and wore their emotions on their sleeves, which was part of why they seemed to be the same person to me, but Jonathan tends to be more polite while Joseph is... well Joseph, I didn't know which one of them was the observant prankster with no sense of dignity and which one was the naive sod and I knew that they could switch out for each other at the drop of a hat. This struggle of mine continued until Jonathan started dying his hair blue.

 

Jonathan: (nervously chuckling) W-we weren't really that identical were we?

 

Dio: Jojo, you two have the exact same birthmark, similar fashion choices, and for the longest time you had near identical body types and the exact same face. even I, Dio, had trouble telling you apart from each other. 

 

Dr. Polnareff: How on Earth did the three of you ever get to a point where you're not actively trying to kill each other?

 

Jonathan: Well, in spite of everything he's done, I just don't want to kill Dio, We have spent years together and there's been too many good times to just throw him away because of the bad. Joseph's unorthodox personality and methods can be frustrating to work with but I highly doubt he'd accomplish everything he's done for the good of the world if he was the man the world wants him to be.

 

Joseph: Jonathan and I disagree on a lot of stuff but it never gets to "I want to kill you" levels of bad, especially since we've been thrown into this monster catching hell together and we need each other to keep this Foundation from fucking exploding. Dio on the other hand, our relationship is either "I'll help you hide the body", "No officer, I've never seen this man before in my life" or "I will kill you and going to jail will be worth it". There is no in-between.

 

Dio: Joseph was sent to a Catholic school in America shortly after the "mirror prank" which is why I wasn't actively trying to kill him. But I did still kept my guard up around Jonathan until I realized that his guilt over the "mirror incident" was easy to take advantage of and as they say the rest is history. While I still hate Joseph, I don't actively try to kill him anymore because we rarely interact with each other these days aside from the occasional chat.

 

Jonathan: Dio, are you forgetting the "Halloween of Jonathans" and the "Jojo and Brando Road Trip Across America"? I know you had a helping hand in the former because it was impossible for Joseph to pull that one off alone because all of the Italian members and some of the French members of this foundation refused to talk to Joseph after the "discourse pizza potluck" two weeks prior.

 

Joseph: All the Italian members, and Suzie Q...

 

Dio: Did... ...did your Ex-wife really divorse you over the fucking pumpkin spice pineapple pizza? I mean I don't blame her but with puting up with over twenty years of your bullshit, both supernatural and natural and that's the straw that breaks the camel's back? Really?

 

Dr. Polnareff: That Jonathan themed Halloween party was still the best one we've to date! ...mostly because it was the only Party here where nothing was set on fire, and nobody got injured, killed, or had knives and people thrown at them.

 

Joseph: Even Speedwagon was Jonathan!

 

Jonathan: Har har har.

 

Dr. Polnareff: But the Jojo Brando roadtrip thing, There are no files on that one, was it an old codename for the stardust crusade?

 

Jonathan: ...Not to my knowledge, what was the Stardust crusade?

 

Joseph: Oh, that was the time Dio broke containment when you were cut in half and Dio stole your di.. oh wait I wasn't supposed to say anything.

 

Dio: JOJO!

 

Jonathan: Excuse me, but what?

 

Dr. Polnareff: Mr. Joestar the Stardust crusade was when Joseph was allowed to be free from containment to hunt down Dio and his recruited entities to bring them back into the Foundation. You didn't know about this?

 

Jonathan: N-no! Please tell me nothing too terrible happened!

 

Dr. Polnareff: Dio had stolen the lower half of your body and did Lord knows what with it.

 

Jonathan: WHAT?!

 

Agent Lisa Lisa: (outside the containment chamber) According to the most recent messages found by Hermit Purple, he's made at least four Bastard children with it possibly more but if they exist, they're not showing up yet. Apparently, they have their own Stands and the Joestar birthmark as well but we're not getting locations.

 

Jonathan: What?

 

Joseph: (whispering in Dio's ear) Pst, Dio, I think it's a good time for you to use the secret Joestar family technique right about now...

 

Dio: Ah, perhaps Jonathan and I will have to discuss this family matter this after Jojo cools down. (he exits, persuaded by Jonathan)

 

Jonathan: DIOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

 

Joseph: Whelp, thank you for having us here Dr. Polnareff I'll uh, go use Hermit Purple to locate my new niblets. Next year's family reunion's going to be a nightmare.

 

Dr. Polnareff: Thank you for your cooperation, I'm going to end this here.

 

[END LOG]

Chapter Text

The following document is an unofficial collection of SPW Foundation files that was anonymously made by and for other staff members. While the Directors understand that this is a very stressful job and that mess-ups are inevitable we would like to remind staff that intentionally messing up is frowned upon, especially when it comes to keeping the foundation running. In short, whoever is responsible for these documents, please report to the head of the foundation immediately, you're not in any trouble we just want to talk. In other words, "I'm not mad just disappointed?"

 

[Document A]

 

Is this Jojo safe to fuck up around?

 

-Jonathan (Boss Jojo)

 

-Under normal circumstances, it's a terrible idea to fuck up around the guy who signs your paycheck.

-Jonathan's pretty understanding and forgiving on accidental fuck ups.

-don't beat yourself up if you do.

-The safety of intentionally fucking up around him depends on your emotional strength. 

-He's a master of the 'I'm not mad just disappointed' line.

-And it feels like it stains your very soul.

 

-Joseph (Confirmed Eldrich Abomination Mothman Stand/User hybrid Pillar man Ultimate life form sentient essance of bad ideas Prankster Jojo)

 

-is more of a 'talk shit get hit' type of guy.

-'don't flirt with me or my daughter again'

-He is a master of fucking up.

-intentional or accidental you will never out fuck up him so don't try.

-but sometimes he'll play along with your fuck ups

-don't count on it happening though

-cause there's also a chance he's only playing along to prank you later.

-see the "Joseph Joestar was actually the king of the Mothmen the entire time and has infiltrated human society to get Hamon while the real Joseph Joestar has been dead for decades but now that his secret identity has been revealed he has to destroy all of humanity" disaster speech under the 'cursed events' files.

 

-Jotaro (Fish Doctor Jojo)

 

-depends on the following:

-does he have to deal with it afterward?

-does it directly or indirectly hurt him or his family?

-if not then it's fine, go ahead.

-if so thEN FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON'T DO IT YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR!

-Ocean man, take me by the hand, lead me to the land that you understand, Ocean man, the voyage to the corner of the globe is a real trip [the rest of this segment is just the rest of the lyrics of 'Ocean man']

 

-Josuke (Pomp Jojo)

 

-don't say anything bad about his hair.

-that is the only fuck up that he directly will attack you for.

-He might be a kid, but he's a kid that took down a serial killer at age 6!

-If the fuck up involves putting Josuke in danger don't do it, he can't heal himself.

-and Joseph and Tomoko will find out about it, and tag-team to fuck you UP!

-If the fuck up involves swearing around him, pray to your god that Tomoko didn't hear it.

 

-Giorno (Italian Jojo)

 

-????

-Well, he's also a kid so don't fuck up in ways that put him in danger.

-and don't fuck up when Dio and Jonathan are nearby. 

-He hasn't been here very long, we don't know that much about him.

-Don't... tell him about the discourse pizza potluck that happened(?)

 

-Jolyne (Girl Jojo)

 

-Is another kid thus has no power to do anything to put you in trouble.

-but don't fuck up in ways that put her in danger.

-Does the fuck up involve her daddy's 'depends on the following' flowchart?

-if yes, DON'T DO IT, SERIOUSLY!

 

Why do these three kids all have their father's nickname? Why do the dads all have the same nickname? who thought this was a good Idea? this is confusing.

 

[Document B]

 

Is this Vampire safe to fuck up around?

 

-Erina

 

-Much like Jonathan, Erina is pretty forgiving, understanding of accidents but also very skilled in the 'I'm not mad just disappointed' line.

-Fucking up on containing her won't result in death.

-technically, doesn't need to be contained as she's one of the least violent entities in the foundation, she justs has her own containment chamber and needs to be kept out of the sunlight.

 

-Dio

 

-Failure to contain will result in either mental enslavement or death.

-Don't do it.

-the fucker can stop time.

-If there's a fuck up involving Dio, report it to Jonathan and or Joseph imminently.

 

-Vanilla Ice

 

-Doesn't care unless the fuck up involves hurting Dio or an image of Dio

-Because the floors and walls of his containment chamber are lined with wallpaper of Dio's face, he refuses to breach containment because damaging an Image of Dio in any way is an unspeakable crime in his eyes.

-I don't think that there's a single aspect of this guy's life that doesn't involve Dio.

-Like, I think that he seriously needs a psychologist.

 

-Straizo

 

-it's safe to fuck up around him don't worry.

-he's already got his precious eternal youth so he's not going to attack anyone to get it.

-and is receiving enough blood rations to not attack anyone for their blood.

-Keep Jonathan away from him, Straizo does NOT like the fact he's trying to make a cure for vampirism.

 

[Document C]

 

Is this Hamon User safe to fuck up around?

 

-Holly Kujo

 

-is safe to accidentally and or intentionally fuck up around

-but the question is do you have the mental and emotional strength to intentionally fuck up around her?

 

-William Zeppeli

 

-If the fuck up is likely to put foundation staff in danger don't do it.

-He doesn't really care if the fuck up puts a foundation contained entity in danger.

 

-Caesar Zeppeli

 

-Is the foundation's biggest complete nutjob and part-time casanova conspiracy theorist.

-the safety of you depends on the type of fuck up.

-don't expect me to know, his priorities are pretty weird.

 

-Lisa Lisa

 

-Do you value your life?

-if yes, then no, it is not safe to fuck up around her.

 

-Messina

 

-Is strict and is no stranger to cruel and unusual punishments

-but has a pretty good sense of humor

-50/50 survival chance?

 

-Loggins

 

-Is a lot like Messia

-50/50 survival chance.

 

[Document D]

 

Is this Stand User safe to fuck up around?

 

-Avdol

 

-Is this section's designated 'I'm not mad just disappointed' type

-nuff said.

 

-Kakyoin

 

-the last time someone got into a fucked up situation with him, arms were cut up, dogs were killed and literal shit was fed to a baby.

-not a very good idea to get involved with him in general.

-much like Joseph, he is an agent of chaos, even more so without the flesh bud.

 

-Jean Polnareff

 

-is one of the people you're likely to get into fucked up situations with

-'Don't flirt with my sister jackass'

-pretty safe to fuck up around until shit hits the fan.

 

-Hol Horse

 

-yeah go ahead

-don't expect him to help though,

-cause when the shit hits he's skedaddling outta there

 

-Steely Dan

 

-will use your fuck up to later humiliate you

-don't do it if you value your dignity

 

-N'Doul

 

-Is pretty chill.

-Don't push it though.

 

-Devo

 

-depends on if the fuck up hurts him

-his stand's whole thing is revenge

 

-Daniel and Telence D'Arby

 

-do not intentionally try. They fucking collect souls.

-accidental fuck ups are fine though.

(Who thought it was a good idea to hire these people?)

 

-Milder

 

-????

-she often isn't in the foundation but rather is on missions.

-like only a few people knows what she even looks like.

-no clue.

 

-Cameo

 

-No clue.

-keep it on the cautious side.

 

-the Nijimura bros

 

-are children

-just make sure your fuck up doesn't put them in trouble.

Chapter Text

File Photo:

image 

 

Very funny, please use the actual photo.

 

Real File Photo:

image

 

Why are you like this?

 

Staff Member: Caesar A. Zeppeli, "Caesarino"

 

Staff type: Hamon User / Entity Retrieval Agent. Bogus conspiracy theorist

 

Relationships with Foundation Personnel: Negative with all contained entities, including Erina, Negative with Director Jonathan Joestar but either Positive or Neutral with virtually everyone else.

 

Current status: Killed by the Mothmen King, didn't even get a cool death like dying while fighting him, the dude died of shock the second he saw the king. Alive and well.

 

Physical Description: Imagine if a snooty casanova made love to your local crazy cryptid fucker and had a pissy baby, that baby is Caesar. Agent Caesar is a thirty-seven-year-old, who looks in his twenties due to use of Hamon. He's roughly 186cm tall, and a well-built man of Italian background. He has short blond hair, green eyes with duel pink birthmarks under them and normally wears a headband decorated with feathers.

 

Ability Description: As a Hamon user, Caesar is quite skilled in the art of the ripple and is very athletic. So fucking athletic that he jumps to the stupidest conclusions with ease! all the damn time! Foundation staff still find your 'the directors aren't human and want to take over the world' theory papers, Caesar. He also has gloves that are filled with a special type of soap that conducts Hamon easily, which he uses in battle as the bubbles he makes can be weaponized. As opposed to a having a cool weapon, Caesar prefers to be a lame-ass soap nerd who makes the whole place smell like dollar store dish soap and used sponges.

 

Personality description: He's a dick Caesar seems to be of the romantic sort but he is an intelligent and flirty dick who needs to stop trying to date my daughter I mean, Jesus fucking Christ, she's married and has a twenty-five-year-old son who could beat him up! a focused man who although having a short temper because he's short is very proud of both his heritage and his abilities as a fighter. He is respectful and polite to his elders and superiors but tends to have shallow relationships with peers.

 

Known history: Seventeen years ago, Caesar was being trained by Lisa Lisa, Loggins, and Messina in the ways of the ripple and when discovered by the foundation, they were later recruited to aid in the capture of the Pillar Men. While the capture was successful at the end, several comments and actions made by Joseph and Caesar had sparked up a rivalry between them which lasts to this day and has only worsened over time. While Caesar does still work here and does appear to get along well with other agents, due to the hostility between him and Joseph, those two cannot be put on the same missions again as there is a very high chance that they could kill each other or get killed while bickering.

 

Addendum: Would you cut that out? If you have issues with Caesar, talk to him like a mature adult! Yeah, the last time I tried that, the fucker bashed my head in and he and Dr. Kakyoin tried to dissect me alive without anesthetic! It's not gonna happen. Even if he thinks I'm not human, I still have human rights! Okay, even if your relationship's gone that sour, it's still no excuse to edit official documents, just talk this out with a psychiatrist, I'll speak with Caesar later.

Chapter Text

"Blink if you won't kill me for this but I'm pretty sure that there's a cult dedicated to Joseph in Texas, and I know it wasn't there before Monday."

"If it's in Texas, at least now there's some form of order being established in that lawless wasteland, even if it is a bad one."

"What did you say about Texas?!"

 

"And if you continue to work really hard, you too will eventually lose all your senses of morality"

 

"I don't know if we're evil or not but we did piss off Nazis, stop serial killers, get kids out of bad homes, and keep gods from eating humanity so we must be doing something right."

 

"WHO FILLED THE HALLWAYS WITH CREAMED CORN?!"

 

"At this point, you could tell me that the sun in our sky was a spaceship all along and I'd probably believe you."

 

"I didn't expect the Third Reich to show up."

 

"Every member of my family that I know about does something with their normal daily lives that really makes H.P. Lovecraft spin in his shitty, racist, ocean-fearing grave and I think that's beautiful."

 

"I wonder if anyone's aware that my over twenty years of bullshit was just me actively trying to get fired from this hellhole."

"Then it's a shame this place is like the mafia."

 

"I'd be upset too if my bones were being used as dildos!"

 

"The worst part of being a retrieval agent is that you have no clue what you're dealing with until it either tries to kill you, or it does kill someone else."

"FOR THE LAST TIME, W-WE'RE NOT FUCKING DEAD!"

"Yeah, but you're like seven now, so legally same thing."

 

"The fact that the American government's never done anything like this before only proves that they're a bunch of prideful cowards!"

 

"Apparently, I'm not allowed to threaten people that I will 'Physically manifest in their homes' after I've proven that I can do it which is bullshit."

 

"I've never climbed a fence that high before!"

"BUT YOU WILL CLIMB IT LIKE YOU CLIMBED ME!"

"I'm not gonna fuck the fence, dude"

 

"One of these days, Jonathan's gonna snap and when that happens this place will make Aperture Science look like a bunch of Pansies."

 

"I've literally worked as an assassin for years and I've never regretted my life choices until now."

 

"You people act like this place gets set on fire every day when it's only on fire every other week!"

 

"Dressing in drag and seducing the monsters is NOT the solution to everything!"

"Coward."

 

"I can confirm that The Speedwagon Foundation has no agenda involving unleashing the elder gods onto the world and having them fight because if we wanted to do that, we'd just send out Joseph and Kars."

 

"American Bento Boxes are a lot lamer then how they looked on TV."

 

"Our relationship is complicated because on one hand I love him but on the other, I'm terrified that he's secretly a corrupted godlike being who would destroy the world one day."

"Secretly?"

 

"There's nothing stopping me from buying over twenty thousand dollars worth of chicken nuggets, god bless America."

 

"I'm too scared to confirm it with them but I think my dad fucked the pillar men."

 

"The fact that the alarms go off so often that a solid third of the staff ignores it worries me."

Chapter Text

File Photo:

[PICTURE REDACTED ON REQUEST]

 

Contained type: Pillar man.

 

Is he Dangerous?: approach cautiously, while he hasn't actively attacked staff (aside from Joseph) in years he still has the potential to kill.

 

Additional Containment Procedure: KEEP AWAY FROM JOSEPH AT ALL COSTS, IT NEVER ENDS WELL FOR EITHER OF THEM!

 

Physical Description: Kars is a six-foot-tall man with waist-long wavy purple hair, three blackish horns on his head, red eyes, and sharp nails. He wears clothing consisting of a loincloth, high boots, and arm guards. Sometimes his form is altered to either change body parts into animals or give them animalistic features.

 

Ability Description: As an ultimate life form, Kars can shift his body parts into any form he desires but even in his normal form, he has the ability to detect heat, eyesight that's similar to that of a high-quality astronomical telescope, hearing that can detect practically anything, muscle tissue that regenerates rapidly when damaged in any form, it is assumed that he is capable of using Hamon in this form but the Foundation has not seen it, retractable bones that can be used as blades, and while the strength of his sense of smell is unknown it is assumed to be strong.

 

Personality Description: According to Esiidici, Kars is an intelligent, patient, well-meaning yet aloof individual who had great plans for the pillar man race as he wanted to help them conquer the sun. According to Agent Lisa Lisa, he was arrogant, less honorable then his companions was sadistic and had little care if humanity lived or died as long as he achieved his goals. According to Joseph "At first I knew him as the king of dicks but nowadays, he's more like a rock with almost-crippling depression in the camera recordings and really pissed off goose around me. A really pissed off goose that can turn his body into weapons."

 

Current mental state: At the time of this document's creation, It's very likely that he's suffering from the effects of long-term isolation as he appears to show signs of having auditory and visual hallucinations, PTSD, depression, and it's very likely that he has no disire to keep living. While staff and other pillar men in the foundation are actively trying to do everything in their power to improve his mental health, he tries to ignore them claiming that they're hallucinations. While nothing on earth can kill him, some staff fear that he might try to kill himself.

 

Discovery: Kars was originally discovered in Italy as he was found by [REDACTED] in a part of [REDACTED]. After he had awoken from his stone slumber he had been hunted down by foundation personal and would later have the BT-agents sent after him. While capture was unsuccessful at first as Kars was launched into space, Kars was later re-discovered as satellites detected a strange meteor with a man-like face. After a rocket was sent to retrieve him to the foundation 

 

Addendum: Good news, comparing and contrasting brain scans over the years shows that Kars's mental health has shown slow yet steady signs of improving! and he's been more active and vocal lately! Great work team, keep it up! maybe he'll be well enough for an interview soon.

Chapter Text

Interviewer: Doctor Mohammed Avdol

Interviewees: Okuyasu and Keicho Nijimura.

[BEGIN LOG 1]

 

Keicho: (is refusing to cooperate with staff, refuses to let go of the bow and arrow, won't show up until later in the recordings.)

 

Okuyasu: (is shaking and sniffling, looks like he could break down into tears at any second)

 

Dr. Avdol: Okuyasu, I don't know if you've been told this but you're not in any trouble. We just want to ask you a few questions and make sure you and your brother are okay.

 

Okuyasu: (voice breaking up) W-where are we? Where's My B-big Bro? and Dad? Whats go-going on?

 

Dr. Avdol: this is the Speedwagon Foundation, I'm afraid that your father ...passed on during the initial retrieval process, but your brother will be here as soon as we get that bow and arrow away from him. ...I'm sorry for your loss.

 

Okuyasu: BUT WE NEED THAT ARROW! We needed it to make dad feel better...

 

Dr. Avdol: I can assure you that the foundation will do everything we can to stop the Stand infection before it spreads to other people. In the meantime, how long have you and your brother been living in that crumbling house?

 

Okuyasu: three, no. four years, I think. What's a stand infection?

 

Dr. Avdol: A stand infection is when a Stand's manifestation warps itself into fusing with their user, much like how your dad's stand appeared to be fused with his body.

 

Okuyasu: So when we tried to cure dad we made other people sick?!

 

Dr. Avdol: Unfortunately, yes.

 

Okuyasu: Can you make the other people better? we didn't mean to make anybody sick! I promise!

 

Dr. Avdol: I know and we're doing everything we can to cure them, but I can't guarantee that we can cure them so just prepare for the worst and hope for the best okay?

 

Okuyasu: Okay...

 

Dr. Avdol: Can you tell me why you needed the arrow to cure your father? It doesn't have any healing properties.

 

Okuyasu: M-my big bro says if we find a Stand user with the right kind of stand, we can make our dad feel better! I don't really know what the right kind of stand is, but my big bro does! He knows a lot.

 

Dr. Avdol: Is that why your brother's been shooting people? to find the right person to cure your dad?

 

Okuyasu: Yeah. My bro's not in trouble, is he?

 

Dr. Avdol: we do want him to understand that what he did was wrong and very dangerous for everyone involved, but I don't think that he'll get anything worse than a lecture and a slap on the wrist.

 

Okuyasu: Why are you going to slap his wrist?

 

Dr. Avdol: that's just an expression, it means he's only getting a mild punishment.

 

[NAME REDACTED]: (Outside of the room) LET GO OF THAT ARROW OR I'LL SKIN YOU ALIVE AND THROW WHAT'S LEFT TO THE VAMPIRES YOU LITTLE SHIT!

 

Keicho: (Also outside of the room, it sounds like he's running) WORSE COMPANY! SHOOT HIM DOWN!

 

(gunshots, crying and screaming, it sounds like a bomb's going off at some point)

 

Dr. Avdol: Will you excuse me for a moment? I'll be right back with your brother.

 

Okuyasu: O-Okay...

 

[END LOG 1]

 

{BEGIN LOG 2]

 

Dr. Avdol: I'm terribly sorry about that, while the Speedwagon Foundation does want to do everything in its power to help, the reality is that beggars can't be choosers and some staff members are a little more violent and morally questionable than we would like.

 

Keicho: (is glaring at Dr. Avdol, keeping his arms crossed, looks more angry and annoyed than hurt)

 

Dr. Avdol: Would either of you two like to ask any-

 

Keicho: What's the point of this foundation?

 

Dr. Avdol: the Speedwagon foundation has many purposes but the end goal of this foundation is to ensure humanity's survival from hostile supernatural entities, to learn of their natures and origins, and how to protect people against them and their effects. At least, that's what I've been told.

 

Keicho: How long are we going to be here?

 

Dr. Avdol: Honestly, I'm not sure myself. In addition to the fact that your mental, physical, emotional, and stand evaluations will take a while, we can't seem to find any living family members to return you to. But I assume that the foundation will be more suitable then that house.

 

Keicho: are there other kids here or is it just us?

 

Dr. Avdol: there's a handful of other kids here, most of them are staff relatives.

 

Okuyasu: So is this our home now?

 

Dr. Avdol: I guess it is.

 

Both Keicho and Okuyasu: (appear to be lost in thought, and or thinking about the future)

 

Dr. Avdol: Do you have a Stand, Okuyasu? According to the files, you weren't shot with the arrow.

 

Okuyasu: Yeah! I named him the Hand! and my big bro says that my stand is really strong! wanna see?

 

Keicho: He doesn't have a lot of control over it...

 

Dr. Avdol: Of course, what can your The Hand do?

 

Okuyasu: Oh! uh, he's really good at getting rid of stuff! I don't know where the stuff goes after The Hand takes it though.

 

Keicho: Don't make him call it out, that's a bad idea...

 

Dr. Avdol: How so?

 

Okuyasu: like this! THE HAND! (Okuyasu summons his stand, it erases the middle of the table and the pinky and ring finger of Avdol's prosthetic hand)

 

Dr. Avdol: (Stepping back, clutching the damaged hand away, looks visibly frightened)

 

Okuyasu: M-mr. Avdol are you okay?

 

Dr. Avdol: I-I am, I just need to... Make a very important update on your files.

 

[END LOG 2]

Chapter Text

1. It's strongly advised to keep Dio and Kars out of each other's areas.

 

2. if a reality-warping entity is discovered, it is not to be used to turn mayonnaise in the community fridges into milk, or any other form of a prank for that matter, but especially the mayonnaise thing!

 

2.1. Also, if a foundation member and or entity spontaneously develop reality warping abilities, the above rule still applies.

 

2.2. trying to use reality-warping abilities to make pokemon real is also right out.

 

3. Stop filling the vampiric entities' chambers with glitter, it was never funny and it will never start being funny.

 

4. Never let Joseph near any amount of moths. Ever. We do not need a repeat of the 'I am king of the Mothmen' speech Kars is not allowed to use his powers to impersonate Joseph ANY Foundation member and or contained entity.

 

5. Staff are no longer allowed to order and send dino nuggets Any form of fried chicken to the Foundation

 

6. Okuyasu's Stand's ability is to erase things and space. Nobody knows what happens to the things he erases, not even him. It is too dangerous to use his stand to "make Portal real"

 

7. Dr. Kujo's hat is not to be messed with.

 

8. Animal stand users are not to be taken to Staff members homes to be kept as pets.

 

9. "for the glory of GraySkull" is not an acceptable reason to fight contained entities.

 

9.1. "For the hoard" is also not an acceptable reason.

 

9.2. Please do not fight contained entities unless they are actively causing mayhem.

 

10. Attempts to use entities' abilities to gamble is not approved.

 

11. If a reality warping entity is discovered, it is not to be exposed to any of the following while in containment: Joseph, Homestuck, Uwe Boll movies, Monty Python movies, movies that are 'so bad they're good.', the twilight saga, anything on TikTok, anything on Reddit, the 'fifty shades' series, any form of hentai, Dio, 'crack fanfictions', videos made by Cr1tikal, and the bee movie.

11.1 John Mulaney skits are still allowed, but they are on thin ice.

Chapter Text

File Photo: (User)

File Photo: (Stand)

(Yes, it really is a just a gun. This is not a joke)

 

Staff member: Hol Horse, "Sheriff of respecting women", "the entire equine", "King of Rooty-tooty point 'n shooty Action" Shouldn't that last one be 'Emperor of Rooty-tooty point 'n shooty Action'?

 

Staff type: Stand User / Entity Retrieval agent.

 

Relationships with Foundation personal: Negative with Agent Polnareff due to Stand issues. In a friendly rivalry with Agent Polnareff, Positive with most female staff, awkward around Jonathan due to their first interaction, neutral with everybody else.

 

Current Status: Alive and well.

 

Physical Description: Agent Horse is a well-built, twenty-eight-year-old man. He is 188 cm tall, appears to be of American background (Specifically, Texan). He has long blond hair, sideburns, a cleft chin, blue eyes, and is usually dressed like a cowboy. Due to the misuse of firearms in an SPW Foundation containment breach drill, he is currently deaf in his right ear.

 

Ability Description: Agent Hol Horse's stand, the Emperor, appears to take the form of a gun. Unlike a normal gun, he is able to control the bullets that he fires to an extent, neglecting the needs of proper gunmanship, and the need to purchase actual bullets. It is currently unknown if he can properly use a normal gun. Due to his lack of knowledge handing non-Stand firearms, the answer is no, he doesn't know how to use a normal gun.

 

Personality Description: Hol Horse is arguably one of the more social former assassins who work with us as he one of the few agents who flat out refuses to work alone. As an experienced hitman, he can normally keep calm and coldly determined on missions as long as he has the upper hand. When partnered with someone Agent Horse is a lot more confident and when left to his own devices he shows a much more cowardly side. As a self-proclaimed Ladies man, he refuses to hit a woman for any reason Aside from the one time kicking that woman saved her from a scorpion It is also known that he is mildly greedy, further explained in known history.

 

Known History: Before being introduced to the Speedwagon Foundation, Hol Horse lived his life as an experienced mercenary, as he used his stand to kill people, police who knew nothing about stands could not catch him. During the time Dio was loose on the world, He was originally hired by him to kill the team sent to recapture him. He failed to kill the said team, his former partner dying in the process and ran away. Aside from some brief hiccups where he later stole a vehicle from the SDC team and a second assassination attempt, Hol Horse's status remained unknown until one day where he showed up at the Foundation applying for a job as an Entity retrieval Agent. During the interview, he unwittedly revealed that it was actually an assassination attempt on Director Jonathan Joestar as he screamed out "HOW THE FUCK ARE YOU NOT DEAD YET? THAT TEA HAD CYANIDE IN IT!". Aside from that blunder, Hol Horse did fit the qualifications to be an agent and he was later hired.

 

Addendum: 'Isn't it a bad Idea to hire someone after they tried to kill the director?' excuding the fact that if we only hire people if they didn't try to kill us first, we'd lose over half the staff (Including Speedwagon himself!) beggars can't be choosers. Stands are rare and dangerous enough in the world that if a stand user is willing to work with us, it's best to just let bygones be bygones. 'How did Jonathan survive the cyanide tea?' I have spent the better part of a century building immunities to various types of venoms and poisons. Cyanide happened to be one of them.

Chapter Text

The following recording is an Interview between Director Joseph Joestar and technically also his information-giving Stand, Hermit Purple. This was made at the time when Joseph was suffering from the Stand infection in such a way that for several months, he seemed to be 'fused' with his own stand. At the time, the 'keep away from Joseph rule was not implemented into the rules' and Kars' mental health was stable enough for him to work alongside us as a fellow doctor (a Doctor that is strictly forbidden to leave the facility without a minimum of five escorts, but hey, a doctor that also doesn't die immediately when exposed to lethal entities.) and when he heard about this assignment he volunteered, arguing that 'stirring up a little friendly rivalry might make him more talkative' as this was one of his first post-recovery interactions with Joseph, we allowed it, assuming that he had grown past harboring any ill will towards him.

 

Interviewer: Dr. Kars Pillarman

Interviewee: Director Joseph Joestar

[BEGIN LOG 1]

 

Dr. Pillarman: Well good afternoon Jojo. I don't think that you expected to see me here or to see yourself on the other side of the containment chambers. So, how are you coping with the loss of your mind and your very concepts of self, body, and humanity?

 

Joseph: (Unintelligible and quiet, fidgeting awkwardly in his seat due to the fact that chair was made for human people, not purple, vaguely anthropomorphic masses of Silent Hill's plants with large patches of humanlike skin on it)

 

Dr. Pillarman: ...Would you kindly repeat that so the microphone can pick it up?

 

Joseph: (Still unintelligible but slightly louder now, no facial expressions to analyze as the infection turned his face into a 'bloodborne type shit' mass of thorned vines and an unholy amount of sharp teeth but judging by body language he is assumed to be annoyed here)

 

Dr. Pillarman: (looking annoyed and a little disappointed) The mic isn't picking up your responses, I'm going to move it closer to you, please repeat yourself after I do so.

 

Joseph: (In the loudest possible voice that he could use and coincidentally, the loudest voice anyone in the foundation has heard to date, like holy Jesus fuck, I don't think he could be louder if he tried to, what the hell?) #̡̀͘^͏͡&̷̛%͏̧̀͘͜$͘͜͟͝ ̸͢!̡͝҉̶@̨͢͞!̷̕͜͞%҉̸̛#̨́҉͡ ̴̧^̡͢ @̛͘&̷̕#̶̴̨̡͞ ̵̛͠*̵̸̧̛́!̀͏̢̡͜@̡̡͟͠&̴̡͡  ^̡͡҉̀͡*͘҉̶͢(̨͏!̡͝#̴͜͡͠&̷̨@͏҉͢  &́͘̕͡!̀͞͡ ̸̀͢͜͞#͏&̡͜!̴̶̀@̕͏̶ #̶̧̡̛͘%̨͟!̕^̶̸͘ ̴̷̕͠͞@̷͟͟͠!̕͏#̛͘^̷͏&̴̡͢͠ #͜͞͡!̶͟͜&̷̷̀#̀́͜͠ ͏҉̸@̵͟͢!̢̛̛*̴̀(̴͜͜#́̀̕͠@̴̵̨͢!̸̕͠͝&̢͘͞ ̧̛̛͡*̵̶͏^͏̴̶#͢͝͏&̴̡͘͟͡!̵̸̷͜͟*̴̵̧͝@̛͢͞͠ ̴͝!̸̛͢҉#̷^͟͝͞%̨̕͠͠%̷̵$̀͝ ̴̶̀͞͏&̵͟!̡̨̀@̵̴̧̧́#̷^̀͘͜͢^̧̧̢̛͘!̸̛͘͟͢%͡҉#̴͝͝͡@̛ ̧(҉͟*̶̸̨͘)̸҉!҉͝@̢̕͏͏̢&͘͘͠͝*̛͘͞@̨͏͘͝!͢҉͠͏#̴͟!!!!! (could not be translated due to the volume obscuring it)

Dr. Pillarman: (After getting back up from falling backward in his chair due to 'that') WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK JOJO?!

 

Joseph: (In a voice that thankfully doesn't shatter the eardrums of mortals and gods alike) )̶̨*͠҉̛̀(̸̨̢̀͠@̸̡̕͟͝^͘͝&͝ ҉̸͢͜ ̧̛!́̀͜͝^҉̵́͞#͡%͢͏$҉҉ ̵̢̡͠!́̕͟%̧̕͘͝@̸͜͞$̧̕#̵̕!̴̕͡͏*̶̸̕͞!́̕̕̕͝@͏̸ ̢̛̛͘͠!̡@̶͢#̷͞&̢̨̀͡*͘͝͏҉@̡̧͠!̕͟͠͏ ̡҉͏$̡͠͞#̵͘!̶͢͠ ̢͏ ̶̀҉&̕͜͏#͠҉̶̕)̸̶̧͜(͠@̶̕͝͝#̛̛͡҉̨#͞{̷̷̨̧|͘҉{̧͠~̸̨͝ (also could not be translated due to mic feedback)

 

Dr. Pillarman: I have no idea what you just said.

 

Joseph: (Is flipping the bird)

 

Dr. Pillarman: (sarcastically) Oh wow, you've definitely shown yourself to be a man of maturity, I'm sure generations upon generations of future human beings will surely feel awed by your masterful display of intelligence and grace.

 

Joseph: (Is flipping the bird using both hands) ^̶́͘ ̶̷̷̀͢@̢͟!͢͝͝ ̵̵̧̧͞#͟҉͘ ̸̴̷̕!̴̨̢͟!̵̨̨́͢ ̷̛͠ ̸̢́͢ ̢̧̛͜ ̵҉͟@̵͢͜͠͠%͏͏̶̸͠ ̷̡͘!̢̧̨͠͠%̴̨̢͝҉ ́̕͟͜͞@̶̵̛!̴͘ (TRANSLATION: 'fuck you')

 

Dr. Pillarman: This isn't going anywhere. Look, I'm going to ask you a series of questions that can be answered by either 'yes' or 'no'. nod for 'yes' shake your head for 'no'. Do you understand?

 

Joseph: (nodding)

 

Dr. Pillarman: Okay good, First question: Do you have working human vocal cords in that state?

 

Joseph: (looks into the camera like he's in 'the office', looks back) (̴͢ ͘͟!̕̕͟͢$̶̷̢̀͠ ̵̷̷̡͢*̶̴̨͢ ̨͢͢!̨̀͠ ̶̨͢!̵͝@̡͡ ̴̕͟͡%̢҉͢͝ ̡҉̢ ̕͟͝ ̧̢͠!̛̀#̡͡ ̷̕͟͞͝@̸̨͟҉̵%̴̴͜͡ ̵̷҉̡͞ ̨͟͜ ̵̨̛͘͢$͞҉ ̸̢!̶̷͠͝%̸̡ ̷̧̕͠!̶҉͝$҉̴̴̛ ̡͡͞&̵̀̕͝ ̛͝ ̷̸̢̀҉ ͏%͘͢͡͞͝ ̴͘͝!̀͡$̵̡͜͜ ̴̵͝҉!͟͠*́͢҉ ҉͏̨!͘̕͢͡ ̸̵&̷̛́̕ ̶̡͟͞%͝҉ ͘͢͏!̶̸̀́͢#̸̵̡̀ ̕͟%̴̷̡̀ ̨̕͠͡͞!̸̧̕̕$̵̀́(TRANSLATION: inhale my dong enragement bird)

 

Dr. Pillarman: ...While I can take that as a no, I need to remind you that shaking your head will suffice.

 

Joseph: (letting out a noise that's supposed to be a sigh, but sounds more like a thousand balloons being deflated in hell)

 

Dr. Pillarman: Can you eat normally like that?

 

Joseph: (nodding)

 

Dr. Pillarman: (whisperinghow? 

 

Joseph: &̷̢̢͘͢ ̧̀(̴͜ ̴̷̵̀͞@̶͝҉@̸͞ ̨͠$̧͘͢͟ ̕̕͞ ͏̀ ҉̸̴ ̶̴̨͘͡!̡͠͝͏#̵̡ ̵̨͝҉͏%̧́́ ̷̀̀ ́ ́͢!̛̛ ̴̡ ̸҉̢̀ ̡̛͟͟ ́͟͜ ̸̷̨̛͢!̷̧͢͝(͏͟͝͠ ̡̨͘͢҉!̨̨̕̕͞ ̴̷̛͡!͏̵̡͢͞$̶̸̧͠ ̧̀̕͢͠$̴̴̵ ̶̧̛͟@̵͏̀͟͞#̸͢͜ ́͘͜͢(̷̀͘͡ ̧͟#̶̕͜ ̴̧͡͡*̷̛͘ ̧͢͡ ͏́͡ ̡͟͝͞҉!̷̛̕͢͏ ̢̛̕͜͝!̡$͝͡ ̸͝$͏҉҉ ̧̧̕͏ ̷̢́͟ ͢͠͞(̵̀͡ ̢̛̛͝͝ ̸̕͢ ̧̛̕ ̡͡͏@́͜͜#̛ ̴͟͡҉(̨̨̨́ ̡͢͜͡!҉͡@͞ ͠͏̸͝!̧̛@̷̶͢͢ ̶̨͢͢͢ ̕҉̛͞!̸̨͝(̶̨̕͡͞ ̨͘͡*̛͢͏̨ ̀̀͡!҉%́̀͟ ̕͢@̀͢͠͡#̷͝͏ ̸̵̨́͝ ̵҉̧̢ ̷̧̕ ̀@́%̨͜ ́̀͏͟͝!̷̕%͏͏̨̛ ̴͘͠͡@̶̧̡̛!̸̡̢͡(TRANSLATION: give me a sandwich and I'll show you)

 

Dr. Pillarman: (awkward fake cough) anyway, does that form cause you physical pain, and or, can you feel physical pain?

 

Joseph: (shrugs )%̨́͠͠ ̧̀͠@̶͢͏͟@̶̴̢̨ ̸̸%̧͘ ̨̕̕!̛͟҉̢͟*̶̨̧҉̴ ̛́͘͠@҉%͏̶̕ ̢̨͡͞@̴̴̧̀͢)̸̷̨͡ ̷͟(̡͡ ̵̕҉̵͜!́͘͟͠$̶̡ ҉̵̀̕͠&̴̡ ̵̸̡͠͝ ̶̴̴̢͝ ̴̨̡͡͝ ̢͘͢^̶̸̢̡̢ ͘͞%̷̶̕͟͟ ̧̨͝%̨̢͢͜ ̶̴̀!̵̸͟@̴̸̴͠͡ ̷̛!̷͞͡(̀͢ ̴͡ ̸̸̀ ̀͡!̢̕͝͝@̧̧́͟͝ ̶͝(̛͘͠ ҉̷͜͝!̀҉̶!͏̛͢͝ ͡$̨̨͝͏ ̷̶͢ ͘͟ ̨͢ ̶̸͜!͘͢(̶̧҉̷͝ ̸̛͘͜@͠҉̴)͢͡ (TRANSLATION: everything feels like static)

 

Dr. Pillarman: Did you know this would happen to you when you interacted with Josuke?

 

Joseph: (hesitently nods)

 

Dr. Pillarman: I see, so in spite of knowing that you'd lose your body, your humanity, and possibly your mind, you still went through with it, Interesting...

 

Joseph: *̧͞ ̧̢%̷̨ ̶̢͝'̴̸͠ ̴҉̨̕!̷̨̡͢(̸͞͝ ̸̛ ҉͘͟͝ ̨̨͠҉!̴͝҉͘#̡̡͜͠ ̕͡͠@̧%̶́͞ ҉͏ ̸̡̨́͟ ̧ ̶̸̨͘͜!͡͠(͢ ͡͏!̛́%̀̕͞͞ ̛͏́!̵҉͡$̶ ͘͟͝͞͡ ̛͟͏̨͝ ͏͝͡ ̴̢͢͜͠(̧̛͢ ̴͏̸͏͏ ̷͘͡ ̴̢̨̀͜@̵̸̡͢͢#̀̕ ̸͞!̷̨́҉̕%̴̢҉̛ ́̕͟@̨̧͠!̢̛̕͢ ͢͜!̢̛@̴̴̢͘͞ ̢̛͟҉$̷́͏͘͟ ̶́!͏̵̵͘͝$̢̛͟͢ ̸̷̡̨'̷̵̢͘͟ ̵̢͏́@҉̷͜͢҉)̀́͟͝ ҉̧̢ ̴̡͜͢͜ ҉҉̛ ͢͝͠%̵ ̸̸̧̕@̴̕͢$̧̕ ̴̡͜!̵̵̀͘͜^̴̕͞͏̡ ̧̨͠͡%̴̷́͘ ̸̵̸̕͟#̵̧̢͠ ̸͝@͏̴̶͡)̴̴̛͝͞ ̶̷̨̡́ ̸̶̴̧ ͏̡̨ ̵͘҉ ̶̡̧͟@̧̧́͢%͘͞ ̵̢͟҉!̶͜͝%̛҉ ̴̨̛͠@̡̛!̶̵̷ ҉̛͘ ̧ ̢̡̨̕͢@̨̕)̡͡͠҉̴ ̴̨!̨%̧͢͜ ͞͏̶̛ ̸̛͢ ́͜͞ ̶̵@̷̢̛͏!̧͢͞ ̵̸͡͠!́͞͞@̴̢͢͟ ̵́͝$̕҉̵҉ ͠%̀͘͘ ̷̕͜!̸̕*̡́͝ ͜͞͠!̧́͜͞(͞ ̷̴̕͢@̸̴͢͜)͢͏͏ ̶̵̕͟͝!̧̛͟͏̀ ҉̡!̸́͠$̵̡̡͢ ̨̀͟͜$̛͡.͏̸̶͞.̛͞.̸̨̀.̵ (TRANSLATION: He's my son, I wouldn't expect you to understand...)

 

Dr. Pillarman: Do you still have bones inside your body?

 

Joseph: (shaking his head)

 

Dr. Pillarman: You've spent several hours interacting with other infected stand users, can they understand what you're saying?

 

Joseph: (shrugs)

 

Dr. Pillarman: Can you understand what they're saying?

 

Joseph: (shaking his head)@̵͟) ̡҉͢!̴͟%̴̀͝ ҉̨!̢҉%͏ ̵ ́͟͝ ҉ ͜ ̷!̡͠#̨ ̡͜@̶̸! ̢# ̴̢̀*́͏ ͏͘ ̶̴ ̀͟ @̶ ̴͢!͠ ͟#̸̶ ̢͞!͘͠!̸̸ ̡͢͡& ̴̨͡!̸̡* ̧̛͡!͏%͜ ̕͡@̴̷́!͞ ̷̡!͢$̧͝͏ ͜͝͝$̨ ̀ ͡ ҉͘͢!̡̕$ ̡̕!̸͠% ̸̴̕(͠ ͝!( ́%͞͡ (TRANSLATION: Too much background noise)

 

Dr. Pillarman: can you still use your stand?

 

Joseph: (nods)

 

Dr. Pillarman: Right, that should've been a given.

 

Joseph: !̡̕$ ̸́!%̴͜ ̀ ̴͘͞ ̕͟ ̡͘ !̵̀(̢̕ ̡̕*́҉̡ ͠͠(̧͞ ̶͡͞@͟)̷̶͟,͞҉ ̵ ̕͜͡ ̶ ͘͢͠ ͏ ̵̶͢!̨͢(͞ ͠*̷̧͝ ͜%̀̕͏ ̴̸!* ̛!̸@̵͏͜ ̡͜!̕͡%̵͘͟ ̛̕#̶ ͠!̵̕!́ (TRANSLATION: no shit, Sherlock)

 

Dr. Pillarman: I'm afraid we've run out of time for today but there's too much information to leave to the wayside, We will continue this again later, I'll see you tomorrow Jojo.

 

Joseph:@̕͟) ͡͞*̸͘͠ ́!̢͟͞ ̨!͞$ !!͏̧ ̵̧́ ͠͏̨ ̧҉ ̡@҉̷% ̧!͟%̴ ͏͘@̷̷! ̸̀ ̛ ҉ ̛͡ ̀^ ̸҉͞!%̛͏͘ ͞!́*̛̛ ͜ ̸̸̡@̡#̸́ ͠!̶̵ ̛͞!̷(̸̵́ ̕͟@̴̷͞) (͏ ̶͠!͞$ ̛͏̢& ͠͏%͏̡͝ ̨͟@̧̢̕@̷ %̨ ̨͟@%̛͠ !҉̕%̵͏ ́́͡!͞͡$̡͏ ̀͢%'͡͏̵!̷̡( ̢ ̛ ̶ @͘)͝ ̕(̨̡ !҉# ͏͠%͡ ̡̛ ̷͠ ̴̸@̕%͜͞ ҉̷!́%̵̧ ͜͏@!̧̕ ̡̛ ̧ ̛̀͡ ̷͠!̵̡͘^̶ ̡̧!҉̡* ̵̧͞( ̶̧#̵ ̷!́!҉́ (TRANSLATION: thank you for wasting everyone's time you prick.)

 

[END LOG 1]

Chapter Text

File Photos:

 

 

 

Contained type: item.

 

Is it dangerous? The hat itself is not dangerous to the foundation's knowledge. Further testing is not recommended. Guys, it's just a hat.

 

Physical Description: Hats vary widely in appearance but have three distinct forms so this section has been broken down into three parts.

 

First hat: mostly consisting of a type of black fabric, save the gold band and the buttons on it. One of the buttons has a picture of a hand on it. The back of the hat seems to 'fuse' with its wearer. was torn up a bit, but I liked how it looked. The fabric itself cannot be identified and could possibly be made out of fabric from an alternate dimension calm down Caesar, it was probably just cotton or some shit like that. Can you prove it by bringing it to the foundation? I haven't worn that thing in over 20 years, do you think I have it around?

 

Second hat: unlike the other hats, this hat is distinctly white in contrast to the darker hats. This hat has three marks on the side that look like the universal symbol for 'male'. Like the first hat, it too has the golden button with a hand on it and also fuses with its wearer is torn in the back. it literally fades from white to black, HOW IS THAT NOT FUSING WITH YOUR HEAD?! It's fashion, Jackass.

 

Third hat: While this one is dark in color like the first hat, it has a large green and gold star on the front. It also appears to have the golden button with a hand on it and its brim has a green line going through it. it also fuses with its wearer stop.

 

Ability Description: Aside from the observed ability to fuse with the wearer's head, Dr. Kujo's hat is an enigma of an entity as it cannot be tested as the other entities can. However, my hypothesis is that the hats give the wearer the ability to stay calm no matter how stressful the situation at hand is. It does not have any abilities, because they're just a bunch of fucking hats.

 

Discovery: [record deleted] It's literally just a hat, there's no big secret or supernatural involvement. It was 'discovered' at a regular clothes store or something, purchased by me, and then worn by me. That's it. then why did you delete my original entry? because it was batshit insane and completely wrong.

 

Addendum: I thought that Joseph was just being an unfunny asshole when he was accusing Caesar of being a conspiracy theorist. It turns out he was right and we truely live in the worst timeline.

Chapter Text

File photo:

[REDACTED UPON FOUNDATION PERSONAL REQUEST]

 

Relationships with Foundation Personal (Keicho): Very poor with most of the guards/Agents, poor with some of the scientists, and only barely gets along with the other children in the foundation. But thankfully he seems to get along with Dr. Kakyoin enough to cooperate when needed.

 

Relationships with Foundation Personal (Okuyasu): A lot more positive overall with staff, but refuses to bring out his stand at all when Dr. Avdol is nearby. (minor addendum: has recently declared Josuke to be his best friend.)

 

Current Status (both): alive, physically well and currently seeing a therapist.

 

Physical Description (Keicho): the older of the two brothers, Keicho Nijimura is a young man of Japanese decent with blond hair styled into a flat top and green eyes. Usually wears what appears to be a school uniform with the kanji meaning 'trillion' on one sleeve and the english word 'trillion' on the other. He also appears to have arrow shaped earrings (who the fuck thought it was a good idea to give this brat an ear piercing?)

 

Physical Description (Okuyasu): the younger of the two brothers, Okuyasu Nijimura is also of Japanese decent (no shit sherlock) but unlike his brother, he has black hair that appears to be in an unsettled pompadour and brown eyes. Usually wears a school uniform which has the Kanji 'billion' on on sleeve and the english word 'billion' on the other. He also appears to have an 'X' shaped scar on his face which he does not feel comfortable talking about.

 

Ability Description (Keicho): Keicho's Stand Worse Company is a miniature army which consists of foot soldiers, tanks, paratroopers, and helicopters. Because Worse Company is an army, damaging one or two of the soldiers will only do minor damage to their user (the injury is equivalent to a minor bruise or scratch)

 

Ability Description (Okuyasu): Okuyasu's Stand The Hand is an armored humanoid who appears to be able to erase anything that it touches. Okuyasu is unaware where anything he erases goes, if it goes anywhere at all. Because The Hand's ability is similar to Cream's ability, the two stands are often compared to each other by staff.

 

Personality Description (Keicho): scarily calm and merciless for a child as well as very determined. Appears to believe that those who don't grow don't deserve to live. Also a very extreme train of thought for a child to have.

 

Personality Description (Okuyasu): a lot friendlier and more outgoing (especially when compared to his brother) doesn't seem to be very smart and is very impulsive, but he does care a lot about other people.

 

Known History: During the 'Dio Brando's Slutty Adventure' fiasco, the brothers' father was hired by Dio for purposes that to this day remain unknown by Foundation Personal. After retrieval of everybody's favorite asshole, Mr. Nijimura was fused with his own stand, resulting in a monstrous being that didn't appear to be capable of human thought. His son Keicho basically made himself head of the household and had stolen a bow and arrow which had a strange strand of the stand infection in order to create a stand user with the ability to cure their father's state. Due to the reports of stand infection their activities was brought to an end when retrieval agent where sent into their base of operations. Unfortunately Mr. Nijimura did not survive the retrieval but the Nijimura brothers have been with the foundation ever since.

 

Addendum: UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES ARE THESE TWO ALLOWED TO BE ANYWHERE NEAR DIO BRANDO. ABSOLUTELY NO INFORMATION REGARDING THESE TWO IS ALLOWED TO BE KNOWN BY DIO BRANDO. FOR THE SAFETY AND WELL BEING OF THE NIJIMURA BROTHERS, DIO BRANDO IS NOT ALLOWED TO KNOW THAT THEY EXIST AND THEY ARE NOT ALLOWED TO KNOW THAT DIO BRANDO EXISTS. VANILLA ICE IS ALSO FORBIDDEN FROM KNOWING ABOUT THESE TWO.