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Jesus (He Knows Me)

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Sunday at six, Phil Collins closed the door of his house, a piece of toast hanging out of his mouth. Oh lord, he thought. I’m going to be late for church! He hurried down the path, through the gate, and to the bus stop. Just in time too, the bus showed up only a minute after. He sat down in the back, looking outside at the passing scenery as the bus ambled down the street.

When he reached his destination, he got off and crossed the grass, heading straight to the church building, passing by the playground with it’s padlocked swings and still-turning roundabout. There were no children except a lone girl, pushing a toy baby carriage around. Phil gave her a quick wave as he walked by and fastened his coat. It was very cold out, he couldn’t wait to be inside.

Inside the archway, Phil expected the priest to be there to greet him but he wasn’t there. “That’s odd,” Phil said. As he walked down the hall, he noticed it wasn’t just the priest; absolutely no one had shown up except for him. He stepped inside the large chapel area and his eyes widened in shock. A man draped in a large rainbow cape had climbed up the large statue of Jesus of Nazareth being crucified on the cross and was drawing a mustache on the stone face with a black sharpie.

“What are you doing!” Phil shouted, his voice echoing.

The man turned around and Phil gasped. It was Peter.

“Hello Phil! Wonderful Sunday we’re having, right?”

“Peter! Why are you defacing the Son of God?”

“Oh, this?” Peter laughed. “I just thought Mr. Christ needed some facial hair.”

“Pete, he already has facial hair.”

“Well, I do believe you’re right now that I think about it…” Peter pondered for a moment. “I'm just giving him some color then.” He then drew a heart on the Lord’s cheek.

“I… Look whatever it is that you’re doing, it’s very disrespectful and you need to stop or I’ll…”

Peter hopped down from the statue, the cape still covering his whole body. “Or what, Phil?”

“I’ll call Tony and he’ll sort you out.”

“And how will you do that?” Peter smirked as he walked up to Phil. “There’s no phone here, y’know.”

“I can find a phone box outside,” Phil said. He felt intimidated by Peter’s taller stature.

“Phil…” Peter placed a hand on Phil’s shoulder. “Why don’t you stay here with me for a while?”

“Peter, what are you doi- Oh my god.” Phil went red as Peter opened his cape revealing his naked, lily-white body. There were star shaped pasties over his nipples.

“Touch me, Phil. Touch me now.”

“Not here! This is… Completely sacrilegious!” Phil stammered as Peter took his hand and pulled him up to the altar.

“Why, what’s wrong with it?” Peter softly kissed Phil’s whiskered face.

“This is a place of worship, we can’t…”

“It’s a Saturday. No one’s coming.”

“What?” Phil’s thoughts were in disarray. “I could’ve sworn it was Sunday.”

“I changed the dates on your calendar when you weren’t looking,” Peter said as he wrapped his thin, dainty arms around Phil.

“Wait, how did you get in? They usually keep the doors locked.” A finger was placed on Phil’s lips, silencing him. Phil looked into Peter’s eyes and sighed. Peter was so pretty, looking so demure and sweet with that mischievous streak in his eyes. Phil couldn’t help but lean in for a long and passionate kiss. Peter shivered as Phil’s beard scratched his face. After what seemed like forever, Phil broke the kiss and pulled away. “We can’t. Not in front of the Lord.” He gestured to the desecrated statue.

“Why would Jesus have a problem with it?” Peter said, cheekily. “He was gay, y’know.”

“Huh? Who told you that?”

“Shhhhh, Don’t question me. I just have connections…” Peter laid down on the altar pulling Phil on top of him. “You wanna know something else about Jesus?”

Phil kissed Peter again, this time with more tongue. “Sure, tell me.”

“Jesus… was a bottom.”

“Shut up!” Phil grinded his crotch against Peter’s groin. “He was totally a top.”


“Yeah.” Phil yanked his pants down. “Only time he got nailed was when they put him on the cross.”

Peter broke out in laughter. “You bastard!”


Tony and Mike walked through the doors of the church. “Alright, Peter, we’re here. This better be important.”

“Finally! In here!”

Tony rolled his eyes and went to the chapel. He almost yelled at the sight of Peter and Phil, naked and wrapped in the rainbow cape. Peter had somehow procured some shrimp and pork chops, which he was now cooking on his portable George Foreman grill.

"Tony! What took you and Michael so long? Are you two gonna stay for dinner?”

“Oh. My. God. I’m not doing this.” Tony turned around and walked away, right past Mike who was looking very confused. “Not today. I’m done. I’ve had it.”

“Tony, wait for me!” Mike called as he ran after his friend.

Back in the chapel, Phil shrugged. “Oh well, their loss.” He took out a pre-rolled joint from his jacket pocket and a lighter. Peter stared at him as he lit it up and took one long drag.

“Really, Phil? In a church?”

“God, who gives a shit anymore.”