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Thank U, Next

Chapter Text

𝑇𝘩𝑜𝑢𝑔𝘩𝑡 𝐼'𝑑 𝑒𝑛𝑑 𝑢𝑝 𝑤𝑖𝑡𝘩 𝑆𝑒𝑎𝑛

My first relationship was Benedikt or Benni for friends.

He was already an emblem of Schalke when I reached the first team, as was the new one, Benni protected me and placed me under his "wing".

A few weeks ago I was already known as the "spoiled Benni", Manuel Neuer was one of the main ones who did not like our friendship.

The age difference was a serious problem, 5 years did not look like much, but I was 17 and he was 22.

Another problem was that Benni had a partner back then, Mats Hummels the Dortmund defender, they left many years, he only knew me for a short time. From what Benni told me, they started dating when they met in the lower ranks of the national team, they had fought against playing in rival teams, because of the call of Low as both were central defenders. During the first month and a half of getting to know each other, Benni told me all the days how his relationship with Mats was, but then, as at the end of the second month, he no longer told me about Mats, he began to be more interested in my personal life.

Every day after the training we went to dinner, or to have lunch, it became a routine during our third month of getting to know each other, I began to have feelings more than friendship with Benedikt but I knew that it was not reciprocal, at the beginning of May Benni I revealed something that changed our friendship forever:

"Finish with Mats, our relationship was the same"

When I asked him what had been the cause, he was sincere, "you" he said. Throughout May I blame myself for being the cause of the unhappiness of someone I did not know, although a part of me was happy, the man I liked was also for me, a relationship was possible, no matter what contras we had.

The same day I scored my first goal with Schalke in the German Cup, he asked me to leave, the first weeks were difficult, we had to be hidden until Manu was sold to Bayern, we felt a little more free, we were not going to have a look of 1 meter 93 centimeters measuring us.

We made it known on September 21, one day after my 18th birthday.

The derby was one of the most difficult games I played in my life, most of the Dortmund players looked at me badly, Mats did not even pass my hand when the two teams were waving, more than once I try to make a foul against my, for him there was no other player than me on the court. I think that match made us stronger, as I barely finished Benni, I gave myself the first of many kisses in public, I saw the look of Mats on my neck but I never cared less.

I thought I would be the only man I would date, that it would be eternal, I had already planned my whole life with him, I was 18, I was excited quickly, I was very gullible, and that's why I finished.

Benni was my first everything:

My first boyfriend

My first kiss.

My first time.

The first person who knew my parents.

He was going to pick me up when I left school, we talked about getting married, adopting, moving together, belonging to Schalke for many years, that if one left Schalke, the other changed to the same club or at least to the league, we had our whole lives planned.

Benni gave me the best entrance to love, I can not imagine a better first boyfriend, I loved him and I know that Benni loved me in the same way, or else he would not have left his boyfriend of years for the boy of the inferiors. .

If we avoid the end, my first love relationship was better than most, I was with a man who loved me and respected above all things.

He was (and is) one of the most incredible men in the world, and that includes my grandfather and my brother.

I think I'm lucky to be able to say that my first boyfriend was also my first love.

Benedikt caused a revolution, he taught me that it is good to be a soccer player and a homosexual, and to fall in love with his teammates, but I think that this point was a bit out of my hands.

I would have liked to be forever and ever;

Benni and Jule.

But it was unrealistic, even for the naive 18-year-old Julian.

We were a couple from June 2011 to August 2012, Benedikt besides my boyfriend was my best friend, he knows me as the palm of his hand, the Julian of 17/18 years lived probably one of the best years of my life, Every day he repeated to me that he loved me, that he was a good judge, that when he was older I could reach him or overcome him, that he was thankful to be my boyfriend.

There was no day that Benni did not make me feel the happiest person on the planet, I do not think I deserved it, but I would not change anything even one day at his side for anything else in the world, I was a privileged person.

How many people can say that they came out with the most wonderful human being on the planet?

I really thought that Benedikt was the right one, that he would be my first and only boyfriend.

But our relationship did not have an end that it deserved.

It was not even the fault of any of us.

Chapter Text

𝓑𝓾𝓽 𝓱𝓮 𝔀𝓪𝓼𝓷'𝓽 𝓪 𝓶𝓪𝓽𝓬𝓱

 

It was in March 2012 when Low summoned me for the first time, I was at school when Benedikt called me to tell me, first I did not believe it, until I swear, that day we had an appointment as always, it was something great for both , we did not have to spend on calls and those things to "not put out the flame", but something that I thought would be beneficial I was totally wrong, or at least for Benedikt at the time, and I think it still is.

It was in those two weeks where I would meet the devil himself and god combined in one person. I really thought that I would touch the same room as Benni, I think that was the moment that I condemn our relationship, since he ended up sharing it with Neuer and my roommate was Ozil, Mesut Ozil, the star player of Real Madrid.

From the beginning, sharing room with him gave me a strange sensation, on the one hand I wanted to be with Benni but maybe Mesut could help me be a better player, since he was more experienced than me, and on the other hand I knew he had a partner, he also Real Madrid footballer Sami Khedira, and the latter was in the same room as Mats Hummels, which was not a good thing for me.

I knew it, but I was not aware until one night after dinner Sami approached me and literally loved me to "get away from his man."

By then Mesut and I had already entered into confidence, and how not to do it if the first thing I saw upon entering the room was him coming out to bathe. With the situation of Sami, I told him first to Mesut and then to Benni, why? Since Mesut was the boyfriend I had to know, his response was what surprised me the most:

"We left during the World Cup, he thinks we can try again but I do not have time, it was unimportant, for my misfortune they transferred us to the same club."

But that was not the most strange situation (neither exciting nor exciting) that I experienced during my first call.

The night before to return with the Schalke (and the arms of Benni) Mesut Ozil, the man I only knew for 13 days kissed me, so out of the blue, without telling me anything sooner or later, it was not a kiss, it was one of those kisses that are given in the movies, those that Benedikt only gave me before making love, and the worst thing was not that it was without my consent, but it corresponded to him, followed the kiss and we continued it for several minutes. His hands were left towards My waist and right against the door, so I would not run away or I would like to run, but that was the last thing that occurred to me in the head, my two arms went to his neck, with Every minute that we got closer, when I started down to my neck, I gave him free access and I think the situation could be worse if I did not hear that my phone was ringing, it was Benedikt who sent me a message.

I had cheated Benni and I felt guilty, I felt dirty, worthless, that wonderful man did not deserve that.

When we got home I told him, avoiding him with my total consent after a minute, or the arms that surrounded him.

My relationship with Benedikt weakened after those two weeks, while my friendship with Mesut increased, although it was convenient that he wanted something more, had a boyfriend and was involved in a big problem with Sami.

I promised to be with Benni, I did not want to stay.

For months, every time we had sex, I had to try my best to moan his name and not Mesut's, or force myself to imagine him and not Turkish-German.

Speaking of the King of Rome, every day he called me saying that if he was cautious and he did it when Benni was not there, how did he know my boyfriend's schedules? Well, I may have told you so we can have better conversations.

There is no need to clarify that more than once our conversations increased in tone, but obviously it began.

April was the month that began to replace my relationship with Benedikt, but would it change my relationship for almost a year for someone I met two weeks ago but gave me the best kiss of my life? The answer was easy, at least for me.

Would I stay with him? We do not connect very well.

I think he already suspected something, although he was not the exemplary boyfriend he was in the first months, each time he arrived later than his "meetings with friends". Every time there were more fights, you were not Benni and Jule, we were just Benedikt and Julian.

I thought I would stay with him, but it did not work.

I fought for that relationship, more than he surely, I stopped responding to the obscene calls and lectures of Mesut for several weeks, I struggled, but he did not even try to explain me.

I still do not know what the Julian of 2012 had in mind, but with Benedikt we did not finish congenial.

I was very immature during that time, I had just had a relationship, and I was failing, probably Benedikt was making me unfaithful, and I did not have many people to ask him what to do, since when I asked Mesut his answer was "You have to I'll finish that relationship and come running to my arms and my bed;), which was not very useful, but every time the idea became more real and possible, maybe it was the best for both of us.

I imagined myself with Benedikt but the end came.

It was during May, when the three of us were summoned to Euro 2012 that Benni and I sat down to talk about what would become of us, and we came to a conclusion that it was good for both of us, and for Mesut as well: During the Eurocup in Ukraine- Poland we would be free to go out with who we would like, and to do what we would like without telling the other, but after that we would be Benni and Jule, even if it were pure façade, and we would never say what our Euro room was or what it was. we did.

I would have liked to stay with him, but it was not like that.

My first time with Mesut was in a hotel in Ukraine in a difficult place to pronounce, but that is part of another story, I know that Benedikt also had meetings, some would say, I only slept with one person, multiple times, but only with that person, to his room they went from rivals to old acquaintances.

I am sure that this treatment was beneficial for both, since we both drifutated, without having to think about the other and without fault.

I thought I would be eternally with Benni but it did not go well for us.

In August, we acted like a normal couple, but we knew that we had to end up with that farza, we loved different things, and so it was. One day, after dinner Benedikt asked me to chat, it was a long two hours, we told each other how much we loved each other, how amazing it was our relationship, we promised to continue being best friends no matter who, I also revealed that I was not excited about my constant calls and emulations with Mesut since he did something worse, he met men and / or women to have sex.

I continued living in our apartamneto, only that he changed his room, we were better as better friends than as boyfriends, and it showed.

I think I had high hopes with Benedikt, but we did not finish fitting.

I loved it, and I know it was reciprocal throughout our relaicon, the last few months were chaotic, and none knew how to solve them, right now we are bigger, more mature and all that, but at that time it was the best we could do, for each one and above all for our love.

Many think that mine with Benedikt was something unimportant, but for me it was not a game.

We ended a relationship and we started another one, a couple of months after that August, it took him a few years to settle down romantically.

If I had known what was coming, I would have liked to stay with Benni, but it turned out badly.

Chapter Text

Wяσтε ѕσмε ѕσиgѕ αвσυт Яιcкч

 

My second relationship was with Mesut or Mesut Abi.

We were a couple from December 2012 to October 2016, with 3 years and 10 months of relationship has been my boyfriend who has been longer, and also my biggest torment.

He asked me to leave on December 17 (do you still remember the date? Really Julian?) And unlike my relationship with Benni, this was from a distance, we only came on the fifa dates or when we had some free time, shortly after He began to have an objection that I was going to leave, although in my head it never occurred to me until several years later, every three hours he sent me messages such as:

"Do not leave me heart"

"You are the air I breathe"

"Without your love I will not live"

For me and for the 19 year old Julian they sounded (and sounds) romantic. But maybe it was difficult for me to differentiate some manifestations of love, when in reality it was about control.

I began to question my dress, control my schedule, check my cell phone, constantly watch over me, prohibit me from seeing my friends or not let them do the activities I did before I met them.

And even though my family and friends warned me that some of the things I was enduring are simply not welcome, I was "still blindfolded." But they did not know the Mesut that I loved, they only saw some small defects that every human being can have.

From my three years and 10 months of relationship I take many things, happy times, many hours invested in enjoying our sexuality, but since everything has a dark side, unfortunately I also take the title to "the most blind person on the planet" I won three consecutive years.

My relationship with Mesut was also marked by the unequivocal love we had for situations that I had normalized and it seemed to me that every couple suffered them, as if it were some phase or something like that, as if afterwards he realized that he treated me (a little) wrong and I would treat myself like Benedikt did, during that phase, which lasted 3 years and 8 months, some of the things that characterized him were:

It bothered her that I spent time with my friends or family. According to Mesut it was time that he could invest in our relationship and I wasted it.

When he did me a favor, he demanded that I compensate him immediately. And most of the time it was in the sexual area.

He always gave me to understand that without him he would not be anyone and could not move on.

In family meetings or with friends, I avoided giving my opinion about something for fear of being reprimanded or questioned again. I made that mistake only a couple of times, never, clearly never told me anything in front of our acquaintances, but when we got home he punished me, taught me the hard way that my word did not have enough value like his.

 

It was usual for him to use emotional blackmail with me: if he did not do what he wanted, he would get angry. More than once when he wanted to have sex but I just wanted to be cuddled on the couch or I did not feel like getting angry or worse still did not speak to me until I agreed.

Every time I spent time with someone of my same sex, he became very annoyed and jealous, forcing me not to see that person anymore. I thought it was some kind of protection, because when we left Benni let me talk with the whole world and he did not bother, he increased it, and Mesut thought that was what caused my first relationship to fail, and he was not going to let the same thing happen to us.

He treats me with an excess of paternalism. God, he and Benedikt are the same age, Benni did not care so much for our difference of 5 years, but Mesut maybe thought that I was not 19/20/21/22 years old, I was 5 months old and I needed him to take all the decisions for me.

If something he liked was to intervene with my way of dressing, according to what he told me, my style seemed as if he was single or did not give him the respect he deserved as my partner,

I take away the importance of the problems I expressed to him, minimizing them and saying phrases of the style "that's not so much", "do not complain about vice", etc.

When there was a discussion, I was the one who had to give up always, because otherwise I could be days without speaking to me. So he avoided us arguing.

Whenever I could remember all the mistakes and mistakes I made in the past.

I had stopped telling my problems as a couple to my relatives, friends and relatives because I knew that if he found out, I would go into a rage.

In more than one occasion I make decisions that affected both without asking my opinion.

As I hinted, sometimes I had sex with him even though I did not really want to, just to please his wishes or to keep him from getting angry.

With each month that the relationship extended, so was the time to ask me to perform sexual practices that I did not like.

 

Put aside all my friendships and I turn purely and exclusively in the relationship. This might seem like an act of love, but in reality it was a loss of autonomy. Stop frequenting the places you used to frequent, put aside my interests, neglect old friends and, in short, stop being myself and lose my own essence.

Look for security, stability, comfort in the relationship with Mesut. This caused me great fear to be alone and a great insecurity that toavia and probably stay with me always. I am an individual with low self-confidence in myself. This led me to the need to receive a treatment full of affectivity and end up being a slave of behaviors that hurt me. The establishment of that dynamic in our relationship in which power is held by only one member of the couple, Mesut, seemed something so common and at some point I thought it was harmful, but then remember that everything was because he loved me. In fact, the others tried to draw my attention to the symptoms of this problem, I just denied everything abruptly, sometimes with anger.

My problem with insecurity made me feel a great emotional dependence, because my happiness depended exclusively on him. I became addicted to being a couple.

I'm very sure that Mesut also ended up obsessing about the relationship, so he would not let me breathe even a single second.

It was a purely irrational love in the most negative sense that this can have, because it lived on illusion and unreal expectations.

I think there were moments in our relationship where Mesut did not care about my happiness, only his.

He needed to have me "controlled" at all times and know what I did and where I was going.

In our relationship, emotional blackmail and manipulation were common. This happens because Mesut was a little, he did not respect me and he acted according to his interests. His way of acting was to blame me, intimidate me and provoke fear. It was not necessary that it be physically, although there was, it is enough that it used expressions such as: "if you leave me, it is that you do not love me". In this way, I felt guilty about what is happening.

I thought that the situation could be reconducible thanks to communication and good manners. But it was more possible that there was no going back and that the relationship was doomed to failure.

Chapter Text

Nσω I lιѕтεи αиd lαυgн

 

It cost me to realize the symptoms that our own could be an insane love and that we were about to end up in a toxic relationship that made me suffer, damaged my self-esteem and only led me to a state of pure negativity.

What I wrote about Mesut, it's funny to listen.

In 2014 I met someone, he was three years younger than me, we were friends, for a long time, at first Mesut was in agreement with that friendship, then he forbade me to see him, although we played in the same club and that was impossible, it was the the first and only time I had lied to him, and I stopped talking about him and thought that my friendship had ended but it was the opposite, we only strengthened more, friendly talking. When I was transferred to Wolsburg, Mesut was the happiest person, since I would not have to see my friend even in training sessions or games, but did I not know that there were different chat apps? With him it was the first time I reason that perhaps my relationship with Mesut was not healthy for either of the two, but less for me.

"Love is not suffering" was the first thing he told me when I told him how it was a bit of my relationship. This was the first step I took into account so as not to fall into the trap of a toxic couple relationship, to never go through again or to suffer a kind of relationship that took away more of what it brought me and led me to live in a permanent tension.

I steal so much energy that I end up locked in myself and in that story. Therefore, I spend less time with my friends and family, that boy was the first friend I had in years, since my friendship with Benni was deteriorated by Mesut's jealousy, I also realized that I lost objectivity to assess the situation I was suffering. Recently in November 2014 I realized that this was very important in a relationship since a love of the kind that we had is not enjoyed, but suffered by the negative effects it produces.

But it took me another year and 11 months to finish fitting the pieces, I was (and is) a blind love.

Songs I did for Mesut, today I laugh when listening.

There are some alerts that you were signs that I was in a toxic relationship, and that I could not get rid of it:

The romantic stereotypes of love that are unreal and that owed much of his legacy to the culture of romantic comedies where two people seem predestined to meet. In this culture of romanticism, loneliness can be perceived as a disappointment in front of the emotional dependence that is at the base of an insane bond.

I had the hope that something would change. Hope is a feeling that can be positive in many contexts, but it is insane when you live in a toxic love that led me to live waiting for the other to change by magic.

My low self-esteem, which provoked him. One of the effects of a toxic relationship is that self-love is hurt and weakened.

Fear. There are many types of fear. For example, fear of loneliness, fear of what others will say, fear of change ... Fear of the emotional fragility of those who experience contradictory feelings in their situation.

And I continue to suffer, day by day.

I dedicate songs to Mesut, today I have fun remembering.

The signs were always there, the problem was that I did not see them, or rather I ignored them.

We were incompatible, although we tried hard to pretend otherwise. The discussions were frequent in our relationship and my mental exhaustion was evident from this fact.

I felt that I had changed my way of being and my character since I was with Mesut. It was less "me" in that story, simply because I did not feel free. It is as if I had run out of light and no interior brightness. For example, he was keen to constantly correct me or ridicule some of my opinions.

There was some kind of control. For example, jealousy or control of my mobile phone (an invasion of my privacy that was totally unjustified).

Criticized my family or friends. A person who loves you well knows that people who are part of your life are very important to you. On the contrary, in a toxic relationship it is usual to disregard certain bonds of the couple based on negative criticism towards these people. And it cost me, in all, to realize this.

I was not happy Or I thought I was not happy. And although I had tried to do my part to change the situation, the relationship seemed to follow the scheme of a vicious circle in which the same situations are repeated as in an eternal return.

I wrote about Mesut, now I laugh at him.

Although I do not like to talk about how to end the relationship, if I like to give advice to get out of a toxic relationship with some essential tips that many will help make that decision:

Break with that tendency towards isolation. It is very important that you share how you feel with your trusted friends and your loved ones. They will accompany you at this time. Just like I did with my friend.

You do not normalize the situation. Remember what your expectations of a happy love were and see where you are. Without a doubt, you will be happier enjoying your loneliness, than in a relationship that makes you feel isolated. It is difficult at the beginning (and later also) but it improves, or so they say.

Do not get caught only by the other person's words and promises. The love of a person is not only shown through the consistency of his words, but also, the coherence of his actions and his attitude towards you (and towards others). Not only can you assess how your partner is in their treatment towards you, but also, what is their attitude in their dealings with other family members, for example.

Take your decision to break and be firm. Think of yourself and your well-being. Take care. To do this, start by distancing yourself from a relationship that is damaging you. Assume the reality of unhappiness.

If you think it is convenient, ask for professional help. Psychological support can be therapeutic at a time like this. But, you can also look for another type of emotional support. For example, you can take a personal growth course on self-esteem. This is a great time to start loving more and better.
Try to think about what advice you would give to a person who was going through your situation. In this way, you can reflect on your life with greater distance.

Do not make love an excuse to stay there. Love can not do everything. Therefore, although you still have the feeling of feeling something special for that person, the break is the best thing that can happen to you.

Everything he thought and said about Mesut, does not make you want to listen again.

It is not at all easy to perceive the cycle of abuse, the bond that harasses us, the jealousy that persecutes us, the vocabulary that controls and denigrates. It is not easy because we put a bandage on our eyes and another on the heart, that which places our love towards the toxic person.

Something I did during the whole month of October 2016 was to repeat myself constantly: "what he says and does hurts me. This is not Love. Your behavior will not change. "

I came to create a playlist for Mesut, which today makes me laugh.

It is better to prevent than to heal and be aware before the crush. Knowing the tricks carried out by a toxic person will prevent us from falling into dangerous relationships.

Or else you can end up like me, with fear of loneliness, rejection and symptoms of depression.

Getting out of a toxic relationship is possible, requires courage and good self-esteem. But we are all capable of achieving it, it is within reach of your hand and it is the opportunity to turn the knob towards that door that will open a new happiness to you.

I can not believe how it matched Mesut, right now it would hit the Julian of the past.

I do not like to remember how we ended up with Mesut, since it is something that still hurts me, not only because of the years we have been together, or because of the love we had, but there is a part of me that believes that he is the one, which is the love of my life, which is going to change, we will be able to have our happiness forever.

The love I felt for Mesut, for laughter change.

A toxic couple relationship can last for years, in my almost almost four. These exhausting affective dynamics are imprinted in communication, in the treatment and in a love that erodes self-concepts and identities. Leaving these harmful circles was not easy for me, in the first place because I was not always aware of it, and secondly, because I did not know how to end such links.

The important thing is to find someone you really love, and who loves you, although I did not do very well with my future ex-boyfriend.