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RC #333, Mission #8: The Gods Must Be Crazy

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 SMITE Break Room by BehindtheVeil

Cover Illustration: SMITE Break Room by BehindtheVeil

 

 

“Differences of habit and language are nothing at all if our aims are identical and our hearts are open.”

— Albus Dumbledore, Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire (2000)

 

Pre-Mission

 

Sunday at the PPC is by no means a relaxing weekend; knowing the Ironic Overpower, if there is a way to ruin a good day, it will happen. But that doesn’t stop some people from trying to enjoy their spare time, even knowing that the console will go off at any moment.

One rambunctious angel in particular had been looking forward to this specific Sunday evening, for it was, in his words, “Game Night”. Three other people had agreed to join him: Seung-Li Kim and Tianlong, two associates of Sarah’s, along with somebody named Monado_Boy_4739, whom Cupid had met some time before while playing Super Smash Bros. online.

Right now, they were playing a game that Cupid had taken a recent interest in: SMITE, which Lapis had described as “Smash Bros. but with mythological figures instead of Nintendo characters”. Specifically, they were playing Siege Mode against four random players, communicating via Skype group call and using their respective consoles to play.

“Wow, I had no idea Aphrodite was such a good supporter!” said Cupid, a.k.a. DrunkenPinkToga (though he was only wearing his spandex right now), currently fielding Seung-Li who was playing as Ne Zha. “I know that most of what she does involves blowing kisses at people, but that’s what makes her so great!”

“And here I thought you picked her just because she was so busty,” Seung-Li, a.k.a. GottaGoTomago, replied with a chuckle.

“Admittedly, yeah, but have you seen her boosting abilities?” asked Cupid. “C’mon, Tomago! Show me some love, and I’ll get you plenty of stat buffs to win this battle with!”

“Do not get your hopes up,” said Tianlong (using his name as his username, of course), playing as Kukulkan and currently tearing his way through the opposing team — Scylla, Bakasura, Thor, and Isis — with one Whirlwind after another. “I am already on my way towards the opposing team’s final Phoenix. I could use some assistance if we are to win this match.”

“Since when have you found the time to play games with us, anyway?” asked Monado_Boy_4739, who spoke with a British accent and was currently playing as Odin. “You said yourself that you’re a DIA officer! Don’t you spend most of your time patrolling HQ?”

“Certainly, but not always. That is what rotational shifts are for. I am thankful for that, because it helps me find the time to seek respite from the typical hustle and bustle every once in awhile.”

“How come I don’t get to play with you?” a female voice asked from Tianlong’s calling location. “It’s not because of these tiny arms, isn’t it? I can disguise myself just fine!”

“Tiny arms?” asked Cupid.

“Suta is a Tyrannosaurus,”  the dragon replied. “A sapient one, to be sure, but that has not stopped her from reveling in being an apex predator, at least where she originated from.”

“Oh!”

“Hellooooo? You aren’t answering my question!”Suta’s voice sounded annoyed.

“I am not so concerned about your proportions, but rather the fact that you need to spend more time than I do learning about the protocol,” Tianlong replied. “I can relax more frequently because of my experience, but at your level, I am not certain you can afford—”

“Goddammit, Monado_Boy!” Seung-Li shouted. “Will you please stop spamming ‘NOW IT’S SHULK TIME’ on the chat?!”

The spammer in question dissolved into helpless laughter, and Cupid rolled his eyes.

“Can’t help you there,” the angel replied. “In fact, I can’t read at all!”

“Then how are you helping us out so well?” asked Monado_Boy_4739, still chortling.

“It’s instinct!”

The door opened at that point, and Sarah stepped in. “Hey, Angel Face! We’re back from Rudi’s!”

“Oh, you’ve got takeout?” Cupid asked, a twinkle in his blue eyes.

“Yeah, lots of it!” Lapis replied, entering the RC after her before closing the door. “Including your favorite, a bucket of vanilla ice cream for all your lonely nights without your girlfriend…”

“Heeey! I see Steph all the time, but I’ve got you guys to hang out with, too!” Cupid looked somewhat indignant. “Could you toss the ice cream on the floor, by the way?”

The girls laughed at this, but decided to square the takeout away without throwing any of it.

“Who’s Steph?” asked Monado_Boy_4739.

“Cupid’s crush,” Seung-Li replied with a chuckle. “A kraken from Monster Musume, if I recall correctly. I met her not long after I joined the PPC. She was staying with him for a while and happened to be there when I was fixing the console.”

“Awwwww, that’s so cuuuuute! Hey, Tianlong! Check it out!” Monado_Boy_4739 began singing like a schoolboy. “Cupid’s got a girlfriend, Cupid’s got a girlfriend~”

“Congratulations,” said Tianlong, unable to see Cupid’s blushing and hiding his face behind his wings. “I am happy to see that you have moved on from your origins. Now, could you please provide a boost for me? The opposing Titan is almost destroyed.”

“Oh, right! Coming!” Cupid resumed playing with renewed fervor. “I just need to get one of Aphrodite’s Kisses delivered to you in time, and—”

[BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!!!!!!!!!]

Lapis, who had been putting the ice cream in the fridge, let out a high-pitched scream and promptly scrambled up the nearest vertical object, which happened to be Cupid’s head. Unfortunately, even such a small girl as her was a little too heavy for him to handle, and there was a mighty CRASH as both they and the chair toppled over. The angel was silently thankful that at that point in time, their team had already won.

“What’s going on?” asked Seung-Li. “Are you alright?”

Cupid immediately got to his feet, reaching for his fallen headphones and putting them back on. “Sorry, guys! Looks like Game Night’s over!”

“Oh, no. You’ve got a mission?” asked Monado_Boy_4739.

“Apparently,” said Tianlong. “In hindsight, I should have expected that the Ironic Overpower would endanger our group recreational session. May you be blessed on this mission, Carmine.”

“Shame you can’t stay,” said Seung-Li. “I was so looking forward to another match with you guys, too. Oh well, I suppose I could ask someone else like Zeke or something. Take care!”

“Please do! And, uh, Tianlong, maybe you could play a game or two with this Suta gal while I’m out. I hope we can get back together later tonight, but…”

“Yeah, no promises,” said Monado_Boy_4739. “Good luck, squid-kisser!”

Cupid flushed red once more, his wings fluffing out. “Why I oughta—”

Sarah slipped her partner’s headphones off and pressed the console button, whereupon the mission report showed up on the screen. “Huh? Hey, we’ve got two badfics! Short ones, too, but related!”

“How?” asked Lapis. “Is one of them a sequel to the other?”

“It’s actually a remake, but not by much. One’s like, four chapters long, and the other’s just two.”

“Well, that’ll make the mission pretty short, hopefully! What continua are involved, anyway?”

Sarah looked at the report. “Harry Potter and… SMITE. I have no idea what that is, but—”

“We were playing that just now!” said Cupid, beaming. “I think I can help!”

“Yeah, but there’s another problem.” Sarah scowled at the mission report again. “Harry’s been replaced by a literal god.

Cupid stood there in silence for a full three seconds. Then he muttered, “I’ll get my Bleeport,” before heading over to the fridge.

“I thought gods are technically unkillable, at least in most myths,” said Lapis, picking herself off the floor.

“They can be slain in Norse mythology,” replied Sarah. “But we don’t know what this Godling!Harry is supposed to be. We’ve gotta prepare for all eventualities… Maybe we should even bring a god-slaying weapon!”

That gave Cupid an idea. Stopping only to slip the Bleeport bottle into his bag, he rushed back to the console and put his headphones back on yet again. “Hey, uh, anybody still there?”

“Wait, you haven’t logged off yet?” Monado_Boy_4739 sounded surprised. “What’s going on?”

“Oh, thank Palutena! Say, your username’s partly taken from the Monado, right?” said Cupid. “You don’t happen to know anything about Xenoblade Chronicles, don’t you?”

“Cupid, no—” Sarah began, but Monado_Boy_4739 spoke first.

“Funny you should ask that! I happen to be a former replacement of Shulk—”

“Even better!” Cupid sounded elated. “Could you stop by RC #333 and give us a hand straight away?”

“Oh, for Arceus’ sake, Cupid!” Lapis facepalmed. “You don’t even know this guy! Who knows what’ll happen if you bring him over?”

“Yeah, and my partner would probably kill me if I went on a mission without her,” Monado_Boy_4739 added.

“Oh, come on, it’s only gonna be for one mission!” replied Cupid. “It can’t hurt to try and hang out with other people aside from, well, whomever your partner is!”

There was a pause. “Well, if you insist. Lemme guess, a Suvian from a video-game continuum?”

SMITE, to be exact, and a godling replacement,” said Cupid. “Just come on over! I’d like to meet you in person!”

“Fine, but you owe me for this one,” replied Monado_Boy_4739. “Just lemme get some things and I’ll be there in AAAAARGH!”

“Wait, in an hour? We don’t have that long!”

“I didn’t… say… an hour…” Monado_Boy_4739 sounded like he’d had a ton of bricks piled onto him. “I can use a portal… Should be there in… a minute or two… once I get out of this stupid closet landslide…”

“Don’t worry, we’ll wait!” said Cupid. “But please hurry!”

He took his headphones off and put them away. “Well, that takes care of that…”

“Cupid, we don’t even know this guy!” said Lapis. “How can we be sure he won’t be a danger to us?”

“You’re just saying it because you don’t like strangers!” Cupid replied.

“He is a stranger for all I know, or care!”

Cupid began walking away. “So, what? As long as he knows what’s up, we should get through this just f—”

Right on cue, he stepped on the jacks Lapis had left on the floor. In his bare feet. His scream of pain echoed throughout the corridor, just as a portal opened up in the middle of the RC.

“AIEEEE! He’s here!” Sarah cried. “Quick, everybody act natural!”

A blond teenage Homs, sculpted like a Calvin Klein model save for the creepy purple eye on his chest, stepped through the portal and closed it behind him. Clad in nothing but a pair of dark purple skin-tight swimming trunks, matching boat shoes, a Bag of Holding, and a red-and-purple scarf, he found Sarah floating upside-down with her arms frozen mid-wave, Cupid hopping about on one leg and screaming his head off, and Lapis hugging one of the blades of the ceiling fan with an expression of sheer terror on her face.

“Okay, um, so…” said the Homs, blinking all three of his eyes. “What in the name of the Bionis is going on here?”

“Hi, uh, Monado_Boy!” Sarah said, waving. “You’ve come just in time! We were worried you—”

“No need to say anything further,” the Homs replied, waving her off. “First things first, my name’s Backslash, and I’m from the Video Games division of the DMS. Did you need something?”

“Buttscratch? Sounds like a funny name, eh?” said Sarah, giggling as she flipped over and landed.

“No, Backslash! Back. Slash. Come on, it’s not that hard to get it right!”

“Okay, okay! Your accent kinda threw me off… I still think Buttscratch sounds cute, though. Anyway, I’m Sarah, that’s Lapis hanging from the ceiling, and—”

Cupid, who had just recovered from his painful misstep, was staring at Backslash, his eyes wide. Next moment, he’d leaped at him, arms out, and caught him in a massive tackle-hug. “SHULLLLLK~”

“AAAAH! A-and this must be C-Cupid, right?” Backslash was trying to wrestle the angel away with both of his limbs and his suddenly animated scarf.

“Yep, that’s me! And I can’t believe it — It’s almost like meeting Shulk in person!” Cupid knelt down, holding the end of Backslash’s scarf. “Allow me to guide you through these badfics, and I will be happy to take you to Rudi’s for a night on the town! You and I were destined to be together, tied by the red string of f—YEEEEOUUUUCH!!”

He was stopped by a long, sharp needle plunging into the flesh of his rump, followed by three more, causing him to scream a second time. His eyes rolled back into his head, and next moment, he’d slumped onto the floor, drooling and snoring, with four two-inch-long blow-darts sticking out of his butt.

“Okay, the Anti-Lustin I can understand, but was the tranquilizer really necessary?” asked Lapis, still clinging to the ceiling fan. Backslash looked up, an expression of shock and pity flashing across his face upon seeing her prosthetic.

Sarah put the air rifle she’d recently brought back in its place next to her bed. “Of course it was! You’ve never tried to keep him away from anybody with a sizable bosom!”

“I don’t even have a bosom,” said Backslash, patting his clearly flat chest, his third eye giving the snoozing angel an uncomfortable glance. “So, you three work in the DIC?”

“That’s correct, eh?” said Sarah.

“Right… So, aside from SMITE, what other continua should I expect?”

“Just Harry Potter. I do know that continuum like the back of my hand, though, so we should be good there.”

“So, that means I’m not necessary, huh?” asked Lapis.

“Wha — no, I didn’t say that!” said Sarah. “You can come along as well if you—”

“I don’t think she should come with us,” Backslash said suddenly.

There was a beat of shocked silence, followed by a loud THUD as Lapis fell from the ceiling fan and landed flat on her back. She sprang to her feet and cried, “WHAT?!”

Backslash tugged on his scarf, looking uneasy. “You heard me. Forgive me for being blunt, but why would you want Little Miss Lefty to slow us down?” he asked to Sarah.

It was Lapis who responded. “WHAT DID YOU JUST CALL ME?!”

He turned to face her, his expression betraying anger and fear. “Don’t lie to me. I can see your prosthetic. What did you do to lose your hand in the first place? What kind of a trajeck past did you have, for that matter?”

“It wasn’t like this when I became an agent!” Lapis shouted, waving the prosthetic angrily. “And why should my history matter to you, anyway?!”

“You were a Sue before, weren’t you? Your history means everything—

NO, IT DOESN’T! ” Lapis was turning scarlet, twin puffs of steam already pouring from her ears. “Do you even realize how many Suvians have reformed and joined the PPC, huh?! You yourself used to be one!”

Sarah stepped forward and grabbed Lapis’ arm. “Will you two please—

But Backslash was already talking back. “My case is different. I’m eighteen, and I’m certainly competent enough to keep up with the job! You? Even if you didn’t lose your hand until after you joined us, that doesn’t change the fact that you were dumb enough to get it lopped off in the first place!”

Lapis’ head bloated to three times its size, her screaming revealing a mouth full of razor-sharp teeth, which startled Sarah into releasing her. “I. WAS. NOT. DUMB! YOU TAKE THAT BACK RIGHT NOW, OR I’LL CHEW YOUR THROAT OUT!!”

“I couldn’t possibly care less! I’m already sour over not only having my Game Night with friends ruined, but also being dragged into this cack-sack of a mission without my partner’s consent! The last thing I need right now is some pathetic cripple getting all of us killed!”

Lapis let out a scream of pure rage, and before Backslash could react, she had launched herself at him and knocked him over. The two of them began whaling on each other, but before Sarah could intervene, there was a sickening crunching sound followed by a high-pitched shriek of pain, and then Lapis disengaged, horrified and covering her mouth with her good hand.

“I… I b-bit…” Her voice choked off with a whimper, a trickle of blood already dripping from her chin.

Backslash was lying in a fetal position upon the floor, using his left hand to clutch his throbbing crotch (which had taken a kick from his opponent without protection). His scarf had wrapped around his right forearm like a living bandage, its ruddy color doing little to hide the slowly growing stain. He was speaking very fast, his expression as horrified as Lapis’. “OhdearBionisI’msosorryIdidn’tmeantosaythatitwon’thappenagainIpromise—”

“I bit you!” Lapis cut off, tears streaming down her face. “I’ve never — I shouldn’t have —”

Sarah reached for her partner, but the blue-haired girl slapped her hand away with her prosthetic. “Go on without me! And don’t let him come near me ever again!”

With that, Lapis hitched up her bag and stormed out of the RC. The others thought they heard a sob before the door slammed shut.

Backslash didn’t move from his spot for several long moments. Then he heard some very slow clapping, upon which he looked up to see Sarah giving him a round of sarcastic applause and a very hostile glare.

“Congrats, Buttscratch! Look at what you’ve done!”

“What did I do?! What did you do, letting her come with you?!” He glared back at her. “Even if her disability wasn’t part of her original backstory, she—”

“—just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time, you moron!” Sarah aimed a kick at his ribs. “Lapis knew full well the risks of becoming an agent at such a young age, and just because she lost her hand to a God-Mode Stu doesn’t mean she’s even the slightest bit incompetent! Who knows, maybe she’s even more familiar with Harry Potter than I am, and you’ve just thrown out our best source of canon knowledge by being such an ass!

His eyes widened in horror. “Sarah, I’m so sorry, I just — I’ve had experiences where I’ve had to—”

“Newsflash, bucko. Those experiences don’t mean shit! We all have a part to play in a mission, and we all know it. Lapis is not and has never been a useless tag-along kid, and slowing us down is the last thing she wants to do! If anything, you’d be the one to do exactly that if you keep bullying us the way you did!”

There was a groan from somewhere nearby, and Cupid stumbled to his feet, pulling the tranquilizer darts out of his buttocks.

“Ow, ouch, owwww—! Huh? W-what happened? And where did Lapis run off to?”

“Do I have to answer?” asked Sarah, shaking her head.

Backslash was silent for a few moments. And then he spoke slowly. “So, is there any reason you’d still want me to stay?”

Sarah sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose. “Look, you know SMITE, and you know assassination. Use those skills, Buttscratch, and make yourself worth our time rather than being such a stuck-up little prick! And don’t think I’m being merciful when I’m asking this of you, because in all honesty, if it weren’t for the fact that I’m the only one left in this room who knows Harry Potter, I’d have walked out on you guys as well. Understood?”

Cupid gave Backslash a look of dismay. “What in Skyworld did you do?!”

“I’ll explain later,” Sarah replied, aiming another glare at the Homs. “For now, let’s patch up our tag-along asshole and get this stupid mission over with. Pass me the gauze, will ya?”

 

********************

 

Act One

 

Ten minutes later, the three agents, disguised as humans, stepped through the portal and into the pre-fic space, dressed in weird black robes with accents of various colors. Sarah wore red and gold trim on hers, Backslash had blue and bronze, and the now wingless Cupid had yellow and black.

“Why can’t I wear pink robes?” Cupid asked. “Pink is a good color on me, isn’t it?”

Sarah laughed humorlessly. “Pink robes… Now there’s an idea! Oooh, I know! Why don’t we wear rainbow-colored outfits that’ll stick out like a sore thumb and get everyone to think we’re from the house of Rainbowsparkledoggicus or something? Or that we’re allied with Godling!Harry, for that matter?”

“I’d be totally down for that!” said Cupid, beaming.

“It’s called sarcasm, Drunky,” said Backslash, wiping the Sar-Plasm off the disguised angel’s sleeve; his trademark scarf remained wrapped around his neck. “Didn’t Sarah say earlier that everyone wears black robes, no exceptions?”

Cupid looked crestfallen, but didn’t argue. “Why are you calling me ‘Drunky’? And what are these colors supposed to be, anyway?”

“Your username is DrunkenPinkToga, remember? It seemed fitting.”

“You don’t know the half of it, Buttscratch,” Sarah replied with a chuckle. “And to answer Cupid’s question, the wizarding school known as Hogwarts has four student factions, each with different colors and qualities: red and gold for Gryffindor, representing courage; blue and bronze for Ravenclaw, representing intelligence; yellow and black for Hufflepuff, representing dedication; and green and silver for Slytherin, representing cunning. For simplicity, I sorted each of us into the first three.”

Cupid’s eyes lit up. “I’m dedicated? Fascinating!”

“Dedicated to getting more wasted than the contents of a garbage bin, that is!” Sarah laughed and shook her head.

“Would Lapis have fit into Slytherin?” asked Backslash, rubbing his bandaged arm; the bite wound had been carefully dressed prior to their entering the badfic, but it still stung a little.

“Hard to say,” replied Sarah. “She wouldn’t tell us — especially not with your arm in her mouth.”

Backslash began to protest, but at that moment, the Author’s Note began echoing throughout the pre-fic space, causing everyone to flinch.

 

 

Smite Godling Harry

This is from all those Harry Potter/ Percy Jackson crossovers where either Lily or James was a PJO style god and he is a Demigod. Well in mine, Harry is a godling (meaning both Lily and James are gods but, they are from different pantheons) Also they are gods in the MMO game 'Smite'.

 

Sarah’s jaw dropped. “I should’ve known . If Harry’s a Godling here, that means he’s the son of a god… So that means either Lily or James has been replaced as well — maybe even both!”

“Percy Jackson? PJO?” asked Cupid. “What’s that mean?”

Percy Jackson and the Olympians,” said Sarah. “Another series dealing with mythology, but with the Greek gods in the modern day. One of my earliest training missions featured a crossover involving that continuum.”

“Wow, that sounds awesome! I should definitely check it out sometime!”

“Yeah, well, just one problem,” said Sarah. “It’s a series of books, and you can’t read for shit. I’m not sure if—”

“I can help,” said Backslash. “I believe I owe it to you both for getting into trouble with you earlier. Besides, he needs to learn to read if he is to survive here in the PPC.”

Sarah whirled to face him. “Cupid was unconscious the entire time you and Lapis were arguing! If there’s anyone you owe anything to, it’s her. And that anything should damn well include an apology!”

Cupid, who had been filled in on what he’d missed by Sarah shortly after their entry into the fic, looked at Backslash with an expression of pity. “Whatever happened to Monado_Boy_4739? I liked you better when you were just a username and a voice, to be honest.”

“Look, I was in a bad mood, and you all knew that,” said Backslash, folding his arms and wincing at the pressure on his bite mark. “The circumstances didn’t exactly help matters.”

“Yeah, but that’s no excuse to take it out on us!” said Cupid. “What kind of person does that, anyway? Not me, that’s for sure.”

“That was different. As soon as I saw that Lapis had lost a hand, I thought that she wouldn’t stand a chance if Suvian gods would be involved. You know how my canon counterpart had to bail out a supporting character because the latter got into trouble by blindly rushing into the war against the Mechon?”

“You’re not talking about Juju, aren’t you?” Cupid asked, shuddering.

“Yeah, that was him. Anyway, I was convinced that Lapis would do the exact same thing, so I tried to drive her away for her own safety.” Backslash winced, and his bite mark tingled. “And apparently, it worked a little too well.”

“You mean way too well, don’t you?!” Sarah gave him a look of fury. “Even if you had good intentions at heart, that level of rudeness was still uncalled for in every reasonable capacity!”

“And besides, Lapis isn’t nearly as foolhardy as you might think,” Cupid added. “I know a certain Mantis Ant who can attest to that…”

The Author’s Note, meanwhile, was describing a series of rules and acceptable happenings in the fic, such as the known pantheons, gender switching, and a fourth school (Harry was the fourth champion so why not?)

“NO! WHAT THE F— THAT’S NOT HOW IT WORKED!” Sarah shouted. “Curse you, badfic, for not only ruining the canon, but also putting us at a point where I literally can’t explain anything to my partners without dropping spoilers! CURSE YOU!!!

“How do you know so much about Harry Potter, anyway?” asked Backslash. “Are you a canon from there or…?”

“That’s not how it works, Buttscratch. And by the way, you’re totally off the mark — I’m actually a clone of Stratogale, a very expired superhero from The Incredibles movie.”

Backslash quickly decided to change the subject. “Is it just me, or are the Author’s Notes suggesting that the Suethor was attempting to take suggestions from the reviewers?”

“Yeah, sometimes they do that,” said Sarah. “Though I don’t think this fic went far enough to implement whatever the heck it received.”

The world shifted around them, and they suddenly found themselves in what Sarah referred to as “The Great Hall”. The agents instantly scrambled for their seats, just as the Goblet of Fire, as in canon, spat out a fourth slip of parchment.

 

 

"HARRY POTTER!" Said Headmaster Dumbledore, once again Harry was in the thick of things. You see, Hogwarts had invited two other schools for a tournament. One that hadn't been done in years because in the last one, all of the champions had died.

 

Backslash clutched his temple. “Augh, the grammar, it burns!

“But you’re not on fire!” said Cupid.

“I didn’t mean literally, you idiot! Where are we in this Harry Potter timeline, anyway?”

“About a third of the way through the fourth book,” said Sarah. “Without giving too much away, a bunch of wizarding schools hosted something like a triathlon but with challenges that were extremely dangerous. Three people were supposed to be picked out — one from each of the schools — but the main character got shunted into the tournament as well.”

“Ouch. Canon Stu much?” asked Cupid.

“Hardly! There’s a lot more to Harry James Potter than being a cosmic plaything, even if that does happen to him every once in awhile.”

The scene jolted around them, and they found themselves sprawled on the floor of the Gryffindor Common Room. The portrait entrance was just opening up, and the agents had little time to dive for cover behind some random furniture.

Harry was walking back to his houses main room. There was no one there and he sat down in one of the chairs by the fireplace, and a stray apostrophe and a comma clattered against the floor.

Backslash continued clawing at his forehead, hissing in a pained whisper. “Rrrrgh! Transition — aftershocks — need — Bleeprin!”

“I feel you regarding scene shifts,” said Sarah, stifling a gag at the memory of the last one. “I usually stop at throwing up at those, though. How come you’re taking this worse?”

He glared at her, a slight glimmer in his purple eyes. “It’s not just the scene transition. The beige prose and time compression are driving me crazy!”

“Why? I thought that was a Time Lord thing.”

“I have no idea what a Time Lord is, so I’ll ignore that statement. But have you even played the game of my home continuum? Shulk, the protagonist of Xenoblade Chronicles, has the ability to see brief visions of the future, and as I mentioned to Cupid, I was once a replacement of him, the way he used to be a sort of replacement of Pit. So as you can guess, I have that same ability, and all the problems that come with it.”

“I’ve never played this Xeno-whatever,” said Sarah. “Sorry. But from what you’re saying, this Shulk guy could sense time?”

“I’ll say this much: from his point of view, it’s always Shulk time!” said Cupid.

Backslash facepalmed with an amused giggle-snort. “Drunky, nohohoho…!

“In all seriousness, though, Shulk could see ahead of the present, if only just a little,” Cupid continued. “And with a few actions on short notice, he’d create long-term changes to stuff he saw in his visions. This was especially useful if his friends would’ve been endangered otherwise.”

“So with this fic progressing far too quickly, you can imagine how difficult it is for me to gauge the flow of the time stream,” Backslash added.

“Then why don’t you use your future sight ability like, right now?!” asked Sarah. “At least it’ll make you actually useful!

Backslash “hmph”-ed and scratched his chin. “It doesn’t work that way. I can change the future, sure, but I can’t exactly use my Visions whenever I please. To be fair, my Shadow Sneak attack sorta uses that skill, but—”

He was interrupted, not by a Vision, but by Cupid squeezing his shoulder and whispering, “Guys, guys!

“Oh, for the love of — What now?!” Sarah was also whispering, but sounded more annoyed by the second.

Wordlessly, Cupid pointed at where Harry was, his hand trembling. There were two people in front of them: Harry, of course, and a gorgeous-looking woman with long red hair and skimpy-looking armor.

Backslash recoiled. “Dear Bionis, I hope that’s not who I think it is…”

“You missed an earlier part of the fic,” said Cupid. “She looked like the canon Aphrodite before transforming.”

“Transforming? Into whom?!

Sarah read the Words, read them again, and buried her face in her hands. “Guys, don’t kill me for saying this, but… I think… She just implied that she’s Harry’s mother. Lily Evans, if you will.”

They both stared at her. Then Backslash said, “Now I understand why you wanted me here.”

“I never said that! It was Cupid’s idea!” Sarah bristled a little, but the fic interrupted them before she could say anything further.

 

 

"No, sweetheart I'm still Lily Potter." She touched him right where his heart was. "Right there, you see the real Lily Evans was a still-born."

"So you took her place?"

"Right."

 

Right then and there, the entire world shattered and then re-formed around the agents in a fraction of a second. A stray comma plunked down a moment later, and Sarah started banging her head against the random piece of furniture she was hiding behind, muttering a curse word with every impact.

Cupid reached into his bag. “Ew! I don’t know if the canon Lily Evans was a stillborn, but ew, eww, ewww!

“No, she wasn’t!” Sarah whispered. “Charge for a massive canon break less than twenty lines in! And I’m surprised you decided to break out the Bleeport this soon.”

Cupid was now holding the bottle in one hand and his Chalice in the other. “So am I.”

“I wouldn’t if I were you,” said Backslash, scowling at him. “And for reference, Lily/Aphrodite is now telling Harry to leave Hogwarts and join a fourth school. Oh, and his dad’s a god, too.”

Sarah threw her arms in the air. “That’s it. I’m done. I’m fucking done. I’m going back to my RC and waiting this one out.”

Backslash’s eyes briefly glowed turquoise, and he frantically grabbed the collar of her robe. “Sarah, you can’t bail on us! You’re the only one who knows Harry Potter , you said it yourself!”

“Yeah, but there’s so much canon violation that it wouldn’t have made a difference! Sorry, guys, but—”

“You can’t leave us here, alone!” said Cupid, a pleading expression on his face. “We’d be completely lost here without you! Backslash doesn’t know much about non-video-game continua, and I can’t even read, for Palutena’s sake!”

“Then learn how to read, you idiot! I’m not sitting through this one any more than—”

She stood up, causing Godling!Harry and Lily/Aphrodite to look at her with a bewildered expression.

“Huh?” asked Godling!Harry. “Who are you? Why are you wearing your school robes in the common room?”

Sarah blanched white. “Oh! I just felt, uh, kinda chilly! Here, look at this…” She instantly reached into her bag, whipped out her neuralyzer, and pointed it at the Suvians. FLASH!

“I was never here, and you two are just doing whatever the fuck you’re doing. Have a good da—WHOOP!”

A red-and-purple scarf had wrapped itself around her neck like a python, and then yanked her back behind the piece of furniture. The Suvians blinked, looked at each other, and resumed their conversation.

“This,” Backslash snarled in a voice quiet enough for only his female companion to hear, “is exactly why I didn’t want Lapis to come along with us. If you’re that stupid and you’re the oldest kid in the RC, well… No wonder the poor girl got her arm taken off.”

Sarah made to slug him in the jaw, but what surprised everyone was that Cupid, who was at Backslash’s other side, slapped him across the face before she could reach him.

“Excuse me, Monado Boy?” the angel snapped. “I’m like, almost forty over here! And why am I in these funny clothes, anyway?”

Sarah faceplamed, using her other hand to open a portal past the end-of-chapter Author’s Notes. “You looked into the neuralyzer, didn’t you, Cupid?”

“…Oh.”

 

 

Chapter 2

Harry got out of the school relatively easy, he headed for Gringotts (“The major bank in the wizarding world part of London,” Sarah explained) to speak with Ragnok. Once he walked in, he held his head up and walked right to a goblin. "Name?" He said.

"Harry Potter, I'd like to speak to the bank manager please. You didn't do anything wrong, I'd just like to talk to him please." The goblin looked at him.

"What is this about?"

"I'd like an inheritance test."

 

Sarah was tempted to bang her head against the nearest counter. However, even if they were a safe distance from Godling!Harry, she knew better than to risk it after nearly giving them away in the common room.

“This. Is. So. Stupid,” she growled. “We’re only two chapters in and we’re already seeing two ginormous canon breaks! The real Harry should be dealing with being the fourth champion of the Triwizard Tournament right now, not running away!

“Did he ever do that in canon?” asked Backslash. “Flee that Hogwarts place, I mean?”

“Yes, but not until the last book, with his two best friends, and for reasons I won’t spoil to you because they aren’t relevant to this mission.”

The goblin whom Godling!Harry was speaking to revealed his name as Rock Krusha, before taking the replacement past a set of golden double-doors to a goblin with the tip of his left ear cut off and scars on his face, presumably Ragnok (“They never described or showed him in canon,” said Sarah). Said goblin told Godling!Harry that he had been waiting to see him, causing Sarah to charge for molding the story around him.

But before anyone could say anything further…

 

 

"Yes, I have your parents will right here." Just then, Harry started to glow pink and his body started to change into the perfect version of himself. Ragnok had seen the transformation. "Hail Lord Harrison; son of Aphrodite!" Harry looked at himself. Stunned at his new look, he took off his glasses and had them destroyed.

 

The agents hadn’t gone past the golden doors, and were therefore far enough from the newly christened Lord Harrison that Sarah could bang her head against a column without attracting any more attention than the other Gringotts goblins giving them odd looks.

“Looks like he really has been replaced,” said Backslash.

“You haven’t even read the Harry Potter books!” Sarah replied. “How did you know?!”

“Your reaction. That and, well, finding out that you’re an actual god is not something you’d normally take as well as this Lord Harrison’s doing. Believe me, I would know.”

“Geez, tag your spoilers, Monado Boy!” whispered Cupid. “Anyway, does that mean we’ll have to get the real Harry out of a plot-hole?”

“That’s my responsibility,” Sarah replied, “but I’d rather not leave you two alone in case you start squabbling.”

“Hey, he gets along better with me than both you and Lapis combined!” Backslash snapped, his scarf twitching. “We’ve known each other for a while now—”

Online, Buttscratch. Not in person. Big difference. You two may have had correspondence with one another, but you never met face-to-face until today, and look what happened mere minutes later.”

“Can we not talk about this?” asked Cupid, pointing; Godling!Harry had placed a droplet of his own blood in a bowl, which had returned a sheaf of parchment. “What does it say? I can’t—”

“We know, Angel Face,” Sarah muttered, before reading the parchment herself.

 

 

Heritage Test for Harrison Aphroschild (a.k.a. Harry James Potter)

Name: Harrison James Potter

Real Name: Harrison Aphroschild

Parents: Aphrodite Zeusdottir (f.k.a. Lily Potter nee Evans, Mother), XXXXXXXXXX (f.k.a. James Charles Potter, Father)

 

Cupid facepalmed. “Eurgh, charge for Speshul names and a failure to understand Ancient Greek! Harrison’s surname should’ve been Aphroditión, and Zeusdottir not only uses the wrong suffix, but it’s totally wrong as well!”

“The -dottir suffix is Norse, not Greek,” Sarah added, not bothering to read the rest of the paper. “Goddammit, if you’re gonna rename your godlings, at least make the naming consistent with the local language!”

“How do you know about Greek names, Drunky?” Backslash asked. “And what should Zeusdotty or whatever have been, anyway?”

“My grandmother taught me Greek when I was a mortal,” replied Cupid. “At least that’s how my homefic went. And as for your second question, the correct surname would be Ourania, for reasons I’d rather not discuss.”

“I guess I’ll take your word for it,” said Backslash, scratching his chin. “I’m an engineer, not a linguist.”

“I’m not so worried about the language thing! It’s just that Aphrodite is literally Kronos’ b—”

In any case,” Sarah cut in, “Harry and Lily have been both replaced, and James may have been replaced as well. We should count ourselves lucky that this badfic’s so short.”

“How many chapters is it, anyway?” asked Cupid.

“Four for the first draft, two for the remake,” replied Sarah. “So we’ll probably take care of this trainwreck before long. Who knows, maybe you can even get back to your RC before your partner does, wherever she is.”

“She’s probably back there by now, unless she’s taken the long way around HQ,” replied Backslash. “Because hey, every little bit helps when it comes to staying healthy, right?”

Sarah shrugged. “Well, it’s your problem if she gets pissed at you for ducking out without her permission. Anyway, shall we—” She stopped mid-sentence, her eyes bulging. Cupid wanted to ask what had horrified her, but Backslash beat him to it.

“What’s wrong?”

 

 

Soulmates: Hermione Jane Granger (godling), Daphne Greengrass (demi goddess), Susan Bones (demi goddess)

 

That’s what’s wrong!” Sarah cried. “This makes six different replacements if James and these three show up in person!”

Who show up in person?!” Cupid cried. “Remember, I can’t—”

“Y’know what, screw it,” said Backslash, reaching into his bag and pulling out his notebook and pen. “I’m teaching you to read, right now.

“Not until we get to the next chapter, you don’t!” Sarah replied, opening a portal. “This one’s pretty much over, so…”

Backslash rolled his eyes. “Fine. Cupid, I’m teaching you to read as soon as we find somewhere that won’t shatter around us .

The agents filed through the portal, but not before the disguised angel asked, “Why would the world shatter? It’s not like it’s made of glass!”

 

********************

 

Act Two

 

To the agents’ surprise, they found themselves back at Hogwarts. Skipping over a brief argument between McGonagall, Snape, and Dumbledore, they found themselves in a strangely generic room, with a bushy-haired girl being their only company.

“Is that—” Cupid began.

“Yep, that’s Hermione,” said Sarah. “Oh, and here comes Ron.”

The door opened, and Ron started to waltz in. This was taken quite literally, including classical music playing in the background.

“Ron looks so weird, dancing by himself,” said Cupid. “Isn’t he supposed to have a partner?”

“Cupid, are you going to learn to read or not?” said Backslash. “I’ve already got the Latin alphabet written down, you know.”

“Oh, right!” Ignoring the badfic, he returned his attention to the Homs’ notebook — which was a mixed blessing, because that meant he missed the next part of the badfic.

Sarah, however, didn’t.

“What is he saying — Are you fffff— Oh, come on! Why does every HP badfic have to involve Ron bashing?!

“What happened?” Backslash looked up. “What did he say?”

Sarah’s expression was grim. “He said he was never friends with Harry, that he was only paid to be his friend. That’s the exact fucking opposite of the canon Ron!”

Backslash rubbed his temple. “Y’know, I’m glad my work is in video games exclusively. I can’t imagine how you deal with so many different kinds of continua every day.”

“You’d be surprised, Buttscratch.”

The agents were all distracted by the sight of Not!Ron suddenly turning into a weasel (She reached out with her right hand and grabbed the Weasel by the throat). Hermione threw the weasel across the room, and then…

 

 

Just then her outfit started to change she was covered in leather armor and on her right arm there was a head of a wolf with her hand coming out the mouth. She also had on a tiara that looked like an owl with its wings spread out.

 

“Sweet dead mother of Batman, she’s been replaced even faster than Lord Harrison,” Sarah whispered, horrified.

Even Cupid, who had been engrossed in the notebook up to this point, looked up with a scowl. “I know less about Harry Potter than you do,” he said, “but that is not the work of a magic stick.”

Suddenly, Godling!Hermione left the room, leaving the agents and the replacement-turned-weasel to wonder what had just happened.

“Can I keep him?” asked Cupid, pointing at the weasel. “I’m good with animals — always have been. This guy shouldn’t be too much of a problem. And for reference, he’s hereby convicted of behaving like the polar opposite of Ron or something, and also being turned into a ferret.”

“Don’t Furret dig maze-like nests that are impossible to enter, though?” asked Backslash. “At least the Gold and Crystal Pokédex entries state as much. You’d need a lot of room to house this—”

“Wait, how do you know that?” asked Sarah. “I thought you said you’re from Xeno-something, not Pokémon!

Backslash rubbed the back of his head. “I forgot you didn’t know. I’m a Pokémon as well, sort of. Specifically, a humanized, er, Homs-ized Honedge from X and Y .”

“Well, that explains the scarf,” said Sarah.

Cupid, who had picked up the weasel and was cuddling it in his arms, stared at Backslash with a puzzled expression. “You’re a Honedge… and a Shulk replacement… I… How does that even work?!”

“That’s a story for some other day,” said Backslash. “Shall we get a move on? We’ve gotta catch up with that replacement or three.”

“Sounds good,” replied Sarah, opening up a portal. They stepped through to find Hermione at Gringotts, having received a heritage test result sheet like Lord Harrison had.

 

 

Heritage test for Hermione Athenstyr (a.k.a Hermione Jane Granger)

Name: Hermione Jane Granger

Real Name: Hermione Athenstyr

Parents: Athena (a.k.a. Emily Granger nee Watson, Mother), Tyr (a.k.a Daniel Granger, father )

 

Once again, Sarah didn’t bother to read the rest of the paper. “I’m guessing that surname’s wrong, too,” she growled. “Could that be cuz it’s literally, oh, Athena and Tyr smooshed together?! If this author liked Norse patronymics so much, they could’ve just gone with Tyrsdottir, which is technically correct.”

“So, Hermione’s apparently been replaced as well,” said Backslash. “Seriously, how many replacements are we gonna have to deal with before this mission’s over?!”

“Yeah, four is already too many,” said Cupid, having slipped the Ron!weasel in his bag.

“We don’t know whether James has been replaced or not, though. He hasn’t shown up in person yet.”

“Good point,” said Sarah. “Y’know, why don’t we find out for ourselves? Godling!Harry will pretty shortly.”

The agents agreed, and portaled their way to the next scene, finding Godling!Harry talking with two people in a clothing store; one was blond, had a beard, slate blue eyes and was in a T-shirt, jeans, boots and a jacket. He was buffed and tall, the other looked like an older Harry, with long black hair and green eyes. he was dressed in shades of black, green and gold. He was in a suit, tie, boots and a trenchcoat.

As usual, they hid behind a random rack of clothes, which was just as well. As soon as Sarah recognized the two newcomers, she was prepared to scream with rage, only for Cupid to put his hand over her mouth.

“We know, Sarah,” he said. “You take the Marvel comics very seriously.”

“For fuck’s sake, have Thor and Loki been replaced as well?!” Sarah whispered. “They’re implying that they’re both playing the role of James, who’s also apparently a stillborn! Gods, this is dumb!

“Hold on a sec,” said Backslash. “Who are Chris Hemsworth and Tom Hiddleston?”

Sarah looked flabbergasted for a moment, and then she pulled her neuralyzer out of her pocket.

“Wait, wait!” said Cupid. “Don’t you wanna do that at a point when the Stu won’t notice us?”

“I know that. I’ll wait ‘til he’s out of the—”

 

 

"Mind if I sit down for a minute?" with that Harry fainted. Some of the store clerks went right to them, but Thor waved them off as Loki picked their son up and headed out the store.

 

“There you go,” said Cupid. “Shall we do the honors?”

“Fair enough. It doesn’t look like they’re replaced, anyway. Just snatched or something.”

Thor and Loki had already sent Godling!Harry to Asgard when the three agents found them. The Marvel canons looked at the three in surprise, and then at each other.

“What is happening to us?” asked Thor. “And why are we even here?”

Sarah rubbed her temple. “It’s a long story, but if you could just look right this way…”

Backslash made sure to cover Cupid’s face this time, and he and Sarah shut their eyes as the neuralyzer went off.

After sending the two canons back to their home continuum, the agents made their way into the next chapter, which started with a brief scene of Hermione talking with her “parents” at their house. As the agents hid behind a random sofa, her mother turned into Athena, and her father… well, the fic briefly referred to him as a “She”, so he changed into a female version of himself before turning into a handsome man, with short black hair and lightly tanned skin. his left hand was covered in a glove. He was dressed in a shirt, slacks and boots.

That’s Tyr?” asked Backslash. “That doesn’t look like the Tyr from SMITE at all! Where’s the armor and the wolf’s head in place of his hand? And isn’t he supposed to be a redhead?”

“I can’t judge,” replied Sarah. “Perhaps he’s just a bit who thinks he’s a god or something. We could send him somewhere else if we readjust him properly.”

Then the bit transformed into his godly armor, his glove turning into a wolf’s-head gauntlet.

“Never mind. We’ll put him back, too.”

“We’ll have to grab Sue!Hermione, though,” said Cupid. “How do we—”

Backslash patted his head, his eyes flashing turquoise, and motioned for Sarah to hand him the neuralyzer. “Watch me. Shadow Sneak!

Godling!Hermione was talking with her parents about her supposed soulmate (Harry, obviously ), when she heard the attack call, at the same time noticing the shadow beneath the sofa sprouting a strange figure. She whirled and lunged at the sofa, but the strange blue aura coming from behind it told her it was too late; Backslash sidestepped in the direction of his shadow, completely wrong-footing her, and next thing she knew, his scarf had coiled around her throat.

Athena and Tyr both let out yells of shock, but before she could do anything, Backslash whipped out the neuralyzer and shut his eyes. FLASH!

“Athena, you don’t have any children, you’re not married to Tyr, and you belong on Mount Olympus,” he said. “Tyr, you’re not married to Athena and you belong in Asgard. This way, please.”

With that, he opened two portals and led each of the deities to their respective realms.

Godling!Hermione, meanwhile, was struggling to free herself from Backslash’s animated scarf, but her movements were becoming more and more feeble. A weird wispy aura, purple in color, had formed around her and was gaining intensity.

“Okay, what to do with you?” asked Backslash, already reveling in the energy boost from absorbing her life force. “Sarah, you know the charges. Go for it!”

“Right, then!” Sarah stepped out of hiding and pulled out her notebook. “Hermione Athenstyr, by order of the Protectors of the Plot Continuum, you are hereby convicted of being a character replacement on account of the following charges: replacing the canonical character of Hermione Granger; being meaner and more demeaning than your canon counterpart could ever dream of; bullying Ron, or a replacement thereof; turning said replacement into a weasel for Odin knows what reason; being in love with Harry, rather than Ron; being the daughter of two Asgard-forsaken gods; somehow gaining ‘godling’ abilities within minutes of showing up; completely bungling two different languages with your surname alone ; and shitting on Hermione’s characterization like nobody’s business! Your punishment is death, and you get no last… Oh, never mind.”

Godling!Hermione had turned blue, the scarf having tightened around her neck with every breath. And by the time Sarah had finished reading off the charges to her, she’d gone limp.

Cupid, who had emerged as well, stared at the scene with wide eyes, the Ron!weasel sticking its head out of his bag and following suit. “Wha… What was that all about?”

Backslash released the corpse and let it flop onto the floor. “There’s no point sticking to the canon anymore now that it’s already completely broken. So why shouldn’t I take her out on my own terms?”

“I guess that makes sense. I can’t use a wand to save my life!”

“But how do we get rid of the body?” said Backslash, rubbing his neck. “I honestly didn’t think I’d get this far.”

“I know where to put it,” said Sarah, taking out the RA and opening a portal. “I’m almost glad Godling!Hermione’s already dead. Imagine leaving her on the Isle of Drear had she still been alive…”

“What’s on the Isle of Drear?” asked Cupid, looking worried.

Sarah picked up the body and tossed it through; it was a while before they heard it hit the ground, but the sounds of chewing flesh and crunching bone reached them not long after that.

“You don’t wanna know,” said Sarah, closing the portal with no further fanfare. “Trust me.”

 

 

(With Harry)

Harry had appeared in the throne room of Asgard in front of his grandparents; Odin and Frigga. Harry knelt down to them and was instantly in Asgardian armor. "Hello elders," he said. Odin just smiled, he was a burly man with a long beard and dressed in armor. He had a gold eyepatch over his right eye.

 

Having portaled their way to the next scene, the agents ducked to avoid the (With Harry) whizzing by, and watched Odin and his wife welcoming Godling!Harry.

“Okay, that settles it,” said Sarah. “This is a legit crossover with the MCU. There’s no other explanation.”

“MCU?” the boys asked simultaneously.

“Marvel Cinematic Universe,” Sarah replied. “I know a fellow disentangler who came from there who can explain all about it better than you can, but I don’t know if she’d have been helpful with the Thor sub-canon specifically. And anyway, she’s as much of a bunghole as you, if not worse,” she added to Backslash, who scowled and rubbed his bandaged arm.

And then it happened. When Godling!Harry hugged Frigga, his curse scar began bleeding black blood, and whatever was in it was destroyed. All three of the agents retched, and poor Sarah turned and ran for the nearest balcony before throwing up into the abyss below.

“Am I even necessary anymore?” Backslash moaned. “I thought this was going to be a video-game-centric assassination!”

“Same,” said Cupid. “But what can we do? I just roll with it as it comes, y’know.” He then started to sing. “You gotta stay upbeat, upbeat, upbeat… Or you’ll be dead meat, dead meat, dead meat…

Backslash rolled his eyes. “Can we go back to teaching you to read now? I don’t know what else to do by this point.”

Cupid slapped his forehead. “Oh, right! I totally forgot! Where were we, again?”

“You weren’t even a third of the way through the Latin alphabet…” Backslash made to take out his notebook.

Just then, Sarah reappeared, just in time to notice Thor and Loki show up again — along with a fetching young woman clad in what looked like a scanty white parka.

"It was a part of a soul but it was in there. It Had To Be A Horcrux." said the woman, and suddenly what appeared to be a ball of wispy mist formed in her hands.

“What’s a Horcrux?” asked Backslash.

“I’d explain, but I don’t wanna spoil the last two books,” Sarah replied, scowling again.

Meanwhile, Cupid struggled to contain the beginning of a nosebleed. “Oh, Hel…”

“Language, please,” said Sarah.

Cupid ignored her. “No, that really is Hel, with a single L. She’s Loki’s daughter, and this is her SMITE portrayal!”

Right on cue, Hel’s outfit changed into black leather, her skin paled, and her hair turned from blonde to black, while her eyes changed from blue to red.

Sarah handed the neuralyzer and RA to the angel. “Go for it.”

Hel, who was ready to take the soul piece to the underworld, turned to leave, only to find her way blocked by a brown-haired teenager.

“What The—”

FLASH!

“You’re part of the Norse equivalent of the Underworld, and not Asgard,” said Cupid. “You’ll destroy that soul and leave in peace. Got it?”

She blinked, smiled coldly, and conjured a projectile of dark matter which she tossed out the window along with the soul fragment. The Decay ability exploded, vaporizing the soul with it. Then Hel strode through the portal that Cupid opened up.

“Now to take care of Godling!Harry,” said Cupid, but when he looked around, the Stu had gone. “…Or not.”

“How’s letting the Stu escape gonna look on our mission report?!” Backslash asked, his expression worried.

“We can neuralyze the canons and get the Stu during the second badfic,” said Sarah. “May I have the neuralyzer back? I know the Thor canon better than both of you combined.”

Cupid handed the device back to her without complaint. A few moments later, Odin and his family found themselves staring down yet another FLASH!

 

**********

 

The rest of the chapter was cleaned up relatively quickly. The agents waited for Daphne to head to Gringotts, and then snuck into Dumbledore’s office via portal to find him reading a letter from Gringotts stating that his bank accounts had been frozen. That part was handled easily: Sarah neuralyzed Dumbledore, grabbed the letter, and then tossed it into the fireplace, making sure the parchment had been completely reduced to ashes before leaving.

The agents likewise caught up with Daphne just before she headed into the Gringotts vault (the chapter ended before she could enter, so it wasn’t outright stated that she had godly powers), and after neuralyzing her and sending her back to Hogwarts, they decided, for good measure, to take care of all the goblins as well, which was simply a matter of giving them sensible names and telling them that they hadn’t been visited by any ‘godlings’.

Once they were done, they stepped out of Gringotts to get a breath of fresh air.

“Whew, and I thought this mess would never end!” Cupid wiped his brow.

“Not so fast,” said Sarah. “We’ve gotta take care of the remake as well. Just two more chapters to go, maybe even one if we can grab enough charges!”

“That would be either really good or really bad,” said Backslash, tugging at his scarf. “So, does that mean we’ll have to restart at the Grand Hall or something?”

“The Great Hall,” Sarah corrected. “And yeah, you’ll probably have to.”

“Wait, you’re not coming?”

“Not yet , no. I’ll catch up with you guys, but could you two hold the fort for a while?” asked Sarah, opening a portal to the start of the second badfic.

“But neither of us know Harry Potter —” Backslash began.

“I know , but you two know SMITE . Just keep an eye out for any gods that show up until I get back.”

“Where are you going?” asked Cupid.

“We’ve still got some fake gods to kill,” Sarah replied. “And for that, I need to grab some supplies.”

 

********************

 

Act Three

 

A half-hour of rummaging through her RC, browsing the Armory, and haggling with the vendor later, Sarah collected everything she’d purchased, opened another portal, and stepped back into the badfic, reappearing in Dumbledore’s office once more. As soon as she saw her partners, she frowned and shook her head.

“And just what do you two think you’re doing?”

Apparently, the two of them had been fighting, as Sarah had predicted earlier. Backslash was supine on the floor, tearing at his hair; the reason for the Homs’ discomfort had clutched both of his ankles, spread his legs wide open, and was currently grinding a large and rather solid-looking shoe quite painfully into his groin. It was a miracle that nobody had noticed; the scene in the office following Harry being forced into the tournament was playing out according to the badfic, save for Hermione being there.

As soon as Sarah spoke up, however, both Cupid and Backslash gave their partner identical looks of fright and embarrassment, and the angel immediately stepped off of his partner.

“He started it!” they cried simultaneously, pointing at each other and making sure to keep their voices low enough to avoid being detected.

Sarah sighed and pinched her nose. “Boys…”

“Assuming you didn’t see us acting like idiots just now,” Backslash groaned, curling up into a ball and clutching his crotch once again, “did you get anything useful?”

She shouldered her rocket launcher. “An explosive celestial bronze warhead, a wire net of Vulcanian steel, and a full stock of blowdarts loaded with the venom of the Midgard Serpent. Should be good enough for everybody, I think.”

“Yeah, but you’re forgetting a certain god-slaying sword I brought in,” said Cupid.

“Whaddya mean, a god-slaying sword?”

“You called?” Backslash said, getting to his feet and patting his bag. “I already said I’m a Honedge, but I’m sorry to say that I can’t really explain the other thing without spoiling Xenoblade on a Bionis-sized scale!”

“That answers that, I guess,” said Sarah. “What did I miss?”

The boys looked at each other. “Well…” Cupid didn’t know where to start. “While you were away, we found out that Harry’s mom was the same as before, but his dad had changed up. I downed a shot of Bleeport, Backslash snapped at me for it, and, well…”

“I don’t care if he’s really forty!” Backslash cut in with an angry whisper. “He’s biologically thirteen, and the Bionis and the Mechonis both know what even one sip of alcohol will do to his brain, let alone his mission performance!”

Sarah rolled her eyes, and decided to change the subject. “Who’s Harry’s new dad?”

“Ra, I believe,” said Backslash, scratching his chin again. “Well, he dubbed himself ‘Ramerica’ and people claimed that Harry was an American citizen. I know Ramerica is a skin for Ra in the SMITE game, but…”

“What difference does it make?” Cupid asked, pouting.

Sarah turned slightly pale. “Ra is the Egyptian god of the sun,” she whimpered. “Shit, if Rosie were here…”

“Rosie?” Backslash cocked his head.

“One of my old partners,” Sarah replied. “She trained me while I stayed at the DF, and she regards Egyptian mythology with the highest level of respect. I kinda owe it to Rosie to not suck at my job, so…”

“Ironic Overpower be damned, I hope I’ll never have to work with that cat,” said Cupid, shuddering. “She and I have had a history as well…”

“What kind of history?” Backslash raised an eyebrow.

“Sarah can explain better than I can. But that’s not important right now.”

 

 

"Besides, We Only Want The Best For Harry." said Lily/Aphrodite.

"So, he'll be representing 'Solaria School for Magic' in Phoenix, AZ." added Ramerica.

 

Sarah had to bite her lip to keep herself from screaming.

“Uh, Sarah? Have you tried using something like my partner’s Deep Breathing?” asked Backslash. “That’s what she uses to calm down…”

“I don’t think Sarah’s gonna calm down anytime soon,” said Cupid.

“Should we step in now, then?” asked Backslash.

“Don’t mind if I do,” said Cupid. “So, if anybody wants to pick off anyone specific, now’s the time to speak up. I call dibs on Lily/Aphrodite, by the way!”

Sarah, who had indeed taken a deep breath, gritted her teeth. “Ramerica is mine, for Rosie’s sake. He’s a disgrace to both Egyptian lore and the American way.”

“And then there’s Godling!Harry, of course,” said Backslash. “That’s a task for all of us, though. So, are we ready?”

Sarah grinned savagely, pulling out her rocket launcher and the mesh net. “It’s go time.”

 

 

"Yes, my husband and I want him to go to the best magic school in the world. " said Not!Aphrodite.

"I see, by ICMC standards Solaria is #1." He said, "we'll accept him." Just then Harry right arm started to gain mystical tattoos. From his shoulder to his wrist, Ramerica saw this and smiled.

"I Think He's Ready."

 

“Oh no, he’s not!

There was a flash of steely wire, and next moment, Ramerica, Not!Aphrodite, and Godling!Harry found themselves entangled in some kind of metallic net.

“What Is Going On Here?!” Ramerica clicked his beak angrily.

Sarah stepped into view, holding out her neuralyzer. “Anyone who’s with me, cover your eyes!”

FLASH!

“All of you, you’ve never met any gods, Lily and James Potter have been long dead and certainly aren’t gods, and Harry is a wizard boy with no godly powers. You’re still struggling to cope with the fact that Harry’s the fourth Triwizard Tournament champion. Hermione, are you supposed to even be here? You should be back in the common room trying to sort things out or something! Just… Go on. Harry will catch up with you later, okay?”

The real Hermione blinked, gulped, and hurried out of the office; the rest of the canons likewise nodded in agreement. Sarah grabbed the net with the Suvians, opened a portal to the school grounds, and made a hasty exit with her partners in tow.

A moment later, there was a yelp of dismay from Sarah. “Oh, crap! The real Harry!”

It didn’t take long for Sarah and Backslash to find the plot-hole where Harry had been stashed, which was somewhere in the Great Hall. With the help of Backslash’s scarf, Sarah hoisted him out, neuralyzed him, and shoved him through a portal back into Dumbledore’s office.

“Have a nice life!” Sarah called before closing the portal.

The canons all looked around for a moment, confused. And then Dumbledore spoke calmly.

“Did you put your name in the Goblet of Fire, Harry?”

 

**********

 

Meanwhile, on the school grounds, the agents stood before the entangled Suvians. Sarah cracked her knuckles, and the fake deities began struggling again.

“Right, then! Where to even begin?” the Super asked, glaring down at them. “Oh, right! Lord Harrison, Lily Evans/Aphrodite, and Ramerica, by order of the Protectors of the Plot Continuum, you three are hereby convicted of being character replacements on account of the following charges: replacing the canonical characters known as Harry Potter, Lily Evans, and James Potter, respectively; making the story warp around the three of you; acting completely OOC compared to the actual canons; outright stating complete falsehoods in comparison to the actual canon; being bona-fide fucking gods in a series that has no use for them; not understanding how having godly powers would work; and utterly shitting on the mythologies of the characters you’re replacing. Godling!Harry, you’re specifically charged with running away from important canon events, butchering the Greek language, romancing Hermione instead of Ginny, and generally being a dick. Lily/Aphrodite and Ramerica, you’re specifically charged with replacing Aphrodite and Ra, respectively, along with stating that inter-pantheon romance is a thing, creating an uncanonical American school, changing up Harry’s citizenship, portraying your respective deities totally wrong, and above all, completely disrespecting the Harry Potter continuum!”

“Your punishment for all of this is death,” growled Backslash, pulling his Monado replica out of his bag. “If you’ve got anything to say about that, too bad. We’re not in the mood to listen. Sarah, now!”

Before the three replacements could break out of the wire net, they each felt a prick in their skin, and the effect was instantaneous. The three of them collapsed, unable to move their limbs freely.

Sarah lowered her air rifle, confident that the venom of a world-encircling snake could take a god down a notch or two. “Alright, that’s one for each of us!”

“So, who goes where?” asked Backslash.

“First, Lily/Aphrodite. You know how Kronos was defeated, right?”

“Sliced to bits and tossed into Tartarus!” Cupid beamed. “But I’m not sure if we’ve got something sharp enough for the job.”

“I’ve got a better idea. You don’t mind holding my rocket launcher for a sec, do you?”

He grinned, taking the loaded weapon from her. “I almost regret that I have to do this. But she’s a total mockery of the real Aphrodite, so whatever!”

“Now, what about Ramerica?” said Backslash. “You said you’re going to take care of him, right?”

“Yeah,” Sarah replied, grinning. “You know who Ra fights every night? Let’s see if this Ra can do the same thing.”

“And as for Lord Harrison,” said Cupid, “why don’t we show him what a real god has had to face?”

“You read my mind,” replied Sarah. She relayed the coordinates to Backslash, who looked at her in confusion but didn’t complain.

Stepping forward, the Homs agent whipped the net off of the agents and hoisted up Lord Harrison by the collar. “How long?”

“About ten seconds,” said Sarah, her fingers flying over the RA. “On the count of three… Ready?”

The disentanglers picked up their victims as well, who began shrieking protests even before their limbs started twitching. Three portals opened up, and the agents spoke in unison.

“One, two, three!

Each of the Suvians was launched through their designated portal, which immediately closed behind them.

Cupid had fired the warhead into Lily/Aphrodite’s stomach; it carried her through the portal and then nosedived into the abyss below. One continuous wail later, it exploded in a huge fireball and a shower of glitter.

Ramerica plummeted into a void of darkness. He seemed to float in mid-air for a moment, and then a pair of evil glowing eyes opened up behind him. Apophis, the serpent of chaos, struck like a colossal cobra, his fangs impaling the replacement and silencing his screams.

Last, but certainly not least, Godling!Harry, struck by the Monado replica at point blank range, tumbled into what looked like a dark cavern. Before he could stand up, a titanic shadowy head, surrounded by dark clouds, rose before him. Godling!Harry screamed as its massive clawed hand swung downward, but there was no response except Typhon turning him to a glittery grease stain with one mighty blow.

 

********************

 

Post-Mission

 

“We’re done, are we?” Cupid said, wiping his brow once again now that they’d returned all the canons to their proper places and mentalities.

“Well, I got through that pretty good, I think,” Backslash replied. “Let’s get back to HQ. I need a break.”

“We all do,” said Sarah, opening a portal back to RC #333. The agents promptly filed through.

Cupid, glad to have his wings and sandals back, let the Ron!Weasel out of his bag, and it promptly began frolicking about, happy to be free after such a long time of confinement.

“I think I’ll name him Rudy,” he said. “Y’know, ‘cuz he’s ruddy… Rudy… Uh…”

“Rudy is fine,” said Backslash, before turning to Sarah. “So… After everything we went through…”

Sarah gave him a tired look. “I know, I know. You did a good job and all. But that still doesn’t make up for what happened, especially since the one person you offended the most still hasn’t come back yet.”

“Yeah, I think it would be best if you went and talked to Lapis,” said Cupid.

“Or didn’t talk to us at all, for that matter,” added Sarah. “And you might wanna put some clothes on. Not everybody likes seeing you walking around the hallways wearing nothing but a swimsuit.”

“Hey, Backslash is a friend!” Cupid looked stung. “Well, he is to me. I know he didn’t turn out as nice as I thought, but he got the job done! That’s what matters, isn’t it?”

Sarah shrugged. “Guess so. I just don’t want to see him any more than I have to, though. Maybe we can get along better on some other day. Preferably after you make up for your little argument with our partner, Buttscratch.”

Backslash paid more attention than usual to his bandaged right forearm, which had started to tingle once again. “Look, I’ll apologize to her next time I see her, okay? For now, though, I’m outta here. Cupid, we need to catch up on a lot of things, so you mind coming along with me for the rest of the evening?”

Cupid looked at Sarah, who sighed and looked away.

“Go ahead,” she said. “I’m not in the mood to join you guys, and even if I was, I have to write the mission report anyway. Just try not to start any fights with each other or anybody else, okay?”

Cupid smiled first at Sarah, then at Backslash. “So, where to?”

The former Shulk replacement opened the door leading out into the hallways. “I’m thinking Rudi’s, probably for a drink or two. And perhaps we can resume our reading lessons while we’re there? We didn’t get to do that for very long while we were in that cack-sack of a badfic.”

“Rudi’s and reading,” Cupid said, beaming, while he made to follow his friend out of the RC. “Sounds perfect!”

 

[END]