I am a weak-willed man. Simon Snow stood in front of me, all wild eyes and messy hair, and demanded to know where I had been all night. Simon fucking Snow. You could feel his anger, his magic. It made my skin burn and even at that point there wasn’t much going through my head, not nearly enough to sneer at him like I might have done any other night. And then he took a step closer.
Snow probably said something. He looked like he was demanding something from me. I’m not really sure. All I know is suddenly I have him shoved against the wall, his shoulders pressed back by my forearm. Somehow, and I will never understand how, I’d grabbed his wrist, and now have it pinned to the wall beside his head. His free hand grips my side. Probably reflex.
“Anathema, Baz.” He growls at me. Crowley, can he say anything without either shouting or growling it?
“Doesn’t that require that my intent be to harm you, Snow?” I say, my voice barely more than a mortifying whisper. Too much. I said too much. Take it back. Back off, brush yourself off, and leave. Let him try to explain it, he’s good at coming up with reasons for you. Or just punch him. Anathema be damned.
“Your intent is always to harm me, Baz.” His face is so close. I can feel his breath and his eyes flick down to my lips and-
And then I’m kissing him.
It’s somehow everything I’d hoped and everything I’d dreaded all at once. I am kissing Simon Snow. I have Simon Snow pinned to the wall, kissing him. Simon’s hand gripped my side tighter, and in my delusions I thought he might have tugged me closer, but by then I’d stepped back.
“Baz-” He starts. His eyes are wide and his lips hang open and oh his lips. I shouldn’t be staring but I am.
“Snow.” I force myself to look him in the eyes.
“What the hell was that?” He doesn’t sound angry, although he has to be. I did just kiss him, after all. He must be in shock.
“You’ll figure it out, Snow, you’re not that daft.” I turn and leave before I say something else stupid.
I make my way back to the catacombs. They’re silent, as always, which is the opposite of what I need. I wish I had my violin. Maybe then it wouldn’t be so quiet.
My mother’s tomb is cold. I rest my forehead against the door.
“I’m back.” I whisper to the stone. “I know I was just here, but I did something really stupid.” I slide down the wall, sitting, leaning my side against the cold door. “I kissed Simon. Like an idiot.”
The door is silent. I don’t know why I expected anything more.
“I wish I were with you.” I mumble. It’s been a while since I admitted it. The last time was probably when I found her tomb for the first time. “I wish I had burned up with you so I didn’t have to look at him every day. I wish you could have stayed alive long enough to take me with you. All I’ve done is hurt him and cause problems. You wouldn’t want me to live like this but I don’t know what to do.” I take a deep breath.
Crying beside your own mother’s tomb is too dramatic, even for me.
“I’m sorry your only living descendant ended up like this, Mother.” I stand and furiously wipe at my face. “Eventually Simon will kill me and you can finally rest.”
I sigh and rest my cold hand against the equally cold stone. I’m not sure if I sit there for 5 minutes or 5 years. It’s stupid to stay here. If Snow isn’t sleeping in some closet to hide from me, he’s probably asleep by now. I trudge up to the tower, head down.
“Baz.” As soon as I open the door, Snow stands up. He’d been sitting on his bed like I’d only been gone a few seconds.
“Snow.” I look him over and try to hide in the bathroom. He stops me with a hand on my arm.
“We’re talking.” He looks me in the eye and oh Merlin I am ruined.
“Fine.” I sit on my bed, trying for confident. I miss the mark slightly; my hands shake as I brush dust from my pant leg.
“So.” He clears his throat, staring at his hands. Snow’s never been good with words.
“Spit it out, Snow. It’s late.” I lean back a bit, looking him over, and I hit confident. I hit confident squarely that time.
“I know. Just.” He runs a hand through that perfect hair and huffs.”Just don’t talk for a sec.”
I nod. Whatever he’s going to say, I can take it. I can handle whatever rejection he has planned. I’ve only been preparing for it since I first saw him.
“I don’t know why any of that happened. I don’t really understand it and I get it if it was just to get around the anathema but if it wasn’t and there’s some other reason I’d love to hear it because it’s going to eat me alive.” He stops to breathe and holds up his hand. “Hold on, not done.” I watch him collect his thoughts and then he is looking up at me with those damn blue eyes. “If you actually wanted to kiss me please tell me.”
I watch him for a tense moment. “And if it is because I just wanted to get around the anathema?” Damn it. Can I do anything right?
“Then we can go back to trying to kill each other every other day, I don’t know. I don’t think that’s why you did it.” He stands up and I stand with him, not sure why, but it feels odd to be sitting while he’s standing.
“You don’t think so.” I’m standing too close.
“No.” He’s looking at my lips again and I almost let myself hope for a moment.
“And why is that, Snow?” I try for confident again. My voice shakes.
I nearly burst out laughing. Here he is, Simon Snow, the Chosen One, basing decisions about the person who’s been trying to kill him for years based on, what, based on how he feels at that moment?
That is unequivocally the most idiotic thing he’s ever done and I don’t believe for a second that it isn’t the exact reason.
“You don’t know.” I struggle to keep my eyes on his.
“No. I just don’t think you did it to get around the anathema.” He steps closer. He’s nearly touching me now.
“And why wouldn’t I?” I can’t speak any louder than a whisper. Step back, sneer at him, do something you idiot. He’s too close. He’s so warm. We stare at each other for a few tense moments.
And then I am kissing Simon Snow. Again. I’m kissing Simon Snow for the second time and his hands are on my back and in my hair and honestly the room could catch fire around us and I don’t think I’d mind.
He’s slowly destroying every thought in my mind until all I can think is I am kissing Simon Snow.
“Baz.” He pulls away just far enough to speak.
“Simon.” I grab at his shirt and pull him back in. I don’t want to stop kissing him. He takes my hands, gently pulling them from his shirt and slipping his fingers between mine.
“So that’s a shock.” He laughs. My heart is pounding like it’s about to leap from my chest.
“You wanting to kiss me? I thought you wanted to kill me.” He leans his forehead against mine.
He’s so much. He’s on the border of too much. “I’ve wanted to kiss you for years.”
“Really?” He pulls back to stare at me.
“Snow, if you were any more oblivious you’d never notice your own thoughts.” I press forward to kiss him again and it is just as good as the other times.
“You called me Simon before.” He says once I pull away.
“Simon, then.” I let him push me back until I’m sitting on my bed and he is standing above me. The first time I’ve ever let him look down at me.
“Go to bed, Baz. It’s late.” He smiles like we didn’t just kiss several times.
“I’m supposed to just fall asleep like normal after that, Snow?” Crowley I’m stupid. I should have agreed, why the hell do I always have to be so hostile? “I’ve been sleeping across the room from you for years. Do you really expect me to do the same now?”
Simon tilts his head a bit and I can see a mole on his neck I’ve wanted to kiss since I was twelve. “What are you going to do, then?”
I reach out for his arm and pull him towards me. He falls forwards, bracing his hands on my shoulders. I kiss him like there’s nothing I’ve ever wanted to do more. Which is entirely true. He climbs up further onto the bed, straddling my lap and Crowley he’s warm. My hands fall from his arms to his thighs.
He pulls back suddenly. “Fuck.”
“What?” I watch his face.
“It’s late. We should sleep.” He shifts back, looking away. Ah. That’s the issue.
“I repeat my question from earlier.” He laughs and smacks at my arm. My heart skips.
“Fine. Get up.” He holds out his hand like I need help standing up from my own bed. I take his help. Of course I do, any chance to hold Simon Snow now is a godsend.
“What are you doing?” I watch him drag blankets and pillows to the floor, making a kind of makeshift bed.
“Well, since you don’t wanna sleep alone-”
“I never said that.” I shouldn’t have corrected him. I can see him trying to reason with himself for a second.
“Since I don’t wanna sleep alone and you complained, we’ll sleep on the floor.” He turns to look at me. “Is that fine..?”
“Yes.” I manage. I’m trying not to scream. Simon doesn’t want to sleep alone. I can call him Simon now. Simon kissed me. I kissed Simon.
Crowley, I’m living a charmed life.
I wake up to sunlight on my face. Normally, I’d have gotten up and closed the curtains, grumbling at Simon, but now. Now Simon was asleep half on top of me, legs tangled in the blanket we must have kicked off in the night. Simon’s so warm, it’s no surprise we don’t need one. I run my hand through his hair, watching him sleep like countless mornings before, although I suppose it’s different now. Not only because now I’m able to kiss that mole on his cheek.
“Mmmh… Baz, stop watching me sleep.” He mumbles, wrapping his arm tighter around my midsection.
“I was only watching for a few seconds.” I smile. He looks so adorable, which is never a word I thought would describe Simon Snow.
“Still watching me sleep.” He lifts his head a bit. “Good morning, Baz.”
“Good morning, Simon.” I push his hair from his face and he moves up to kiss me. It’s still so strange to be kissing the boy I’ve hated and pined for since I was 12. He’s so warm. I didn’t know it was possible for someone to be burning hot like this and still function.
“You don’t frown when you sleep” He sits up and stretches.
“So you watched me sleep, Simon? What a turn of events. I thought I was supposed to be the creepy one who watched you sleep?” His shirt rides up and I can see an inch of skin along his waist. I’ve seen more, Simon’s been shirtless shockingly often, but never like this. There’s freckles along his back and I want to kiss each of them.
“I woke up in the middle of the night because you were shivering.” He turns and looks down at me.
“I see.” I sit up beside him. Even after he slept laying across me, even after the sixth (Six! I’ve kissed Simon six times!) kiss, it shocks me how close I am.
“I just kinda laid across your chest. Sorry if I crushed you.” He smiles. I can see why Wellbelove likes to make him smile.
“I don’t mind. You on top of me is nice.” Crowley, could I have phrased that any worse? I’m about to clarify, but then Simon is shoving me onto my back and climbing over me. He smiles again. I’ve never seen him smile like that. Like I’m a meal. 5th year me, eat your heart out.
“Is it now?” His knees are on either side of my hips and he slides his arms down on either side of my head, caging me in.
“We have classes.” I grab his hip anyway.
“You have classes. I can get out of anything.” He kisses every thought from my brain. For at least a few minutes I kiss back, not caring that Bunce might walk in at any time to get Simon for breakfast.
I finally push his chest back. “Bunce will be suspicious. Get dressed, Simon.”
He huffs and climbs off me, offering an arm to help me up. “Fine.”
For the next week, Simon and I treat each other the same we always have in public. Well, I try to. Bunce has noticed how he’s less likely to accuse me of something whenever I speak, and how often he gets up to follow me places. He’s also kicked her out of our room. I sincerely hope she thinks it’s just 5th year all over again.
That doesn’t mean we’re all back to normal. Simon follows me into empty corridors and kisses me until I can’t think anything but his name, then fixes my hair and shirt and walks away, like nothing happened. I spelled my bed bigger, so we both sleep on that. I refused to keep sleeping on the floor.
“It’s not that bad, Baz!” Simon said.
“Easy for you to say, you could break a rib and be running around the next day. Some of us feel pain, Snow.” Calling him Simon was reserved for any time we were being soft, or really any time he kissed me. Which then he did until I stopped complaining and pulled out my wand.
Simon’s stopped talking to Agatha almost entirely. I don’t think I caused that, at least not all of it. They were already having issues, no matter how often Simon says otherwise. He’s as oblivious as ever..
We don’t quite fight about it, at least not like we used to, but this is the closest to fighting I think we’ll ever get. At least, it’s as close to fighting as I want to get.
“Baz, your hands are cold.” Simon has taken to bothering me while I read. He’s got one of my hands in his lap, inspecting it, sitting on the edge of my bed. I glance over, setting my book on my lap.
“Are they?” I haven’t told him. He knows. He’s been shouting that I’m a vampire for years.
“Yeah. They get warmer when I hold them. I really like warming you up.” He falls back, head in my lap. He grins up at me, knowing exactly how irresistible his flirting is to me.
“Interesting.” I tug my book out from under his head and keep reading. He plays with my fingers, somehow occupied by just that.
“You have nice hands.” He says it like it isn’t one of the strangest compliments I’ve ever been given.
“You have nice hands.” He looks up at me. “What?”
“Simon, think before you say things.” I tug my hand from his grip so I can play with his hair while I read. Laying on my bed with Simon Snow’s head in my lap wasn’t something I’d ever thought about, although I should have. In 5th year, I would have imagined doing something very different, but either way. Simon looks perfect like this.
“I think!” He pushes himself up on his elbows to kiss me.
“I sincerely doubt that.” I pull back with a smile. He laughs and falls back down into my lap, bronze hair catching the light from the window. Again, if this were a week ago I would have been angry, but he looked so good with the setting sun on his face that I couldn’t bring myself to even close the curtains myself.
A week ago I would have had very different thoughts, but now? Well, now I don’t have to worry about having to kill him. I can think about more important issues.
Like how Simon Snow is the most powerful magician alive.
The most powerful mage the world has ever seen, the prophesied Greatest Mage is half asleep in my lap, letting me play with his hair.
Like how nothing can hurt him.
Even like this, drowsy and relaxed. His magic crackles on my skin.
Nothing can hurt him, not even me.
Like how Simon Snow is alive .
His chest rises and falls as his breathing deepens and he falls asleep. He looks so peaceful I never want to wake him up.
And how I am hopelessly in love with him.