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I Never Stopped Mourning You Until-

Chapter Text

Loki’s funeral was to be held tomorrow.

 

Loki’s funeral…

 

Loki’s funeral…

 Truly?

They could never recover the body, but... however... his little brother, suddenly so hurt... Loki, with suddenly such pain and aching... he truly has died, hasn't he?? It was. It was actually true. Not a joke of Loki's.

 

No. It was. The truth.

 

But. Why?!

 

*****************

 

A little daughter of a cook, when hearing about it in the corridor, gasped and asked, „Oh my Fate, but why? Who killed prince Loki? Was it Laufey? Now I’m sure it was Laufey, he was just jealous, because prince Loki was very funny, and frost giants are never funny, so, they were envious! A friend of a friend of a friend said Frost Giants came here. As in, here here, exactly here! So. They killed prince Loki! I am but certain! Father, am I right or wrong?”

Her father shushed her anxiously upon seeing Thor.

 

Thor wished he was able to answer.

 

Who killed prince Loki?

 

He was deathly afraid that, for some reason who couldn’t fathom, the only answer he could rightly guess at was….

 

Failed king Thor killed prince Loki, child. And he’s sorry. He’s sorry. He’s so sorry---

 

****************

 

But why? How? What did I do that killed my Brother inside? Didn’t I love him enough…?!

He said he’s not my brother. What cause did I give him to feel that? Ah, I… offended him. I offended him, that must be so, I offended him deeply, to the core, I--- whatever I said, I wish I was mute, I wish, I wish, I wish---

 

******************

 

"Thor?”

 

Mother. Mother shouldn’t have come to his chambers. Why did she?

 

"Thor. My son – why are you mourning alone? You know we’ve loved him as much, your Father and I.”

Thor gasped. She didn’t know. Mother didn’t know! She didn’t know why her beloved son died.

"Mother, I--- it is… Loki… Loki killed himself to – to hurt me. It is through my neglect--- that it happned. Loki – he only killed himself to have a revenge on me. A… a fierce revenge. He succeeded, at that. But, I must discover… what hurt hath I wrought him… that even consideration for your Heart, Mother, did not stop Loki. My crime must hath been enormous indeed… and more hurtful than fiercest wounds. And yet, I cannot see my crime--- Mother, am I blind?”

 

Frigga shook her head, tears welling up in her eyes.

 

"Thor… the ‘crime’ as you wrongly put it, is not yours. You see, Loki… was saved from death when he was but a tiny babe.”

"I don’t understand?! Was he-- was he sickly?? He was always very cold when we were little, was he, was he in a danger of dying…?”

 

And all these years, I’ve been so insensitive about it in my ignorance!, Thor thought, more ashamed of himself than when he failed to pick his Mjolnir up.

 

"Son. You must listen carefully now, and cast aside what you thought you knew. But remember this: Loki is your little brother. Always. No matter what.”

 

"Yes, he is, I know that, Mother, that is why I--”

 

Brother killer , the thought came, unbidden, to the god of thunder. I killed my little brother, no, I did not, but, did I, partly… cause his sudden death…?!

 

"Listen! Be quiet and listen, for once in your life. Please. Why can the men in this family – why can my beloved, foolish men - never listen to a single word of truth?!”

 

So listen he did, since Mother ordered so.

 

"I never carried Loki in my womb. He is a Jotun, born on Jotunheim. And he is your brother.”

 

Thor gasped.

 

So, he didn’t kill Loki! Loki had trouble accepting his own birth, and that was why…?!

 

*******************

had trouble? And why would that be? No involvement, huh? Hmmm???

 

Thor shivered. Long forgotten memory coming to the forefront of his mind.

 

When I’m king

 

When I’m king

 

When I’m king

 

when I’m the king,

 

I

 

will

 

kill

 

all

 

the

 

monsters

 

just like

 

you did,

 

Father

 

i will kill all the monsters

 

i will kill all the monsters

 no that was not what he had said he had said he had actually said

when i’m king, i will slay all the monsters

 to slay all the Frost Giants

all the Jotuns

what is this newfound love for the Jotunns, Brother...?

 

ah

 

he

 

no!!!

 

He had brought thoughts of death to his innocent, impressionable, quiet, full of humour, and various little lies, but full of honest affection and sensivity and devotion, fidelity, loyalty, full of all that, his Loki... his little brother, his little Brother who all his life basked in Mother's Love, in Father's Love, and in Thor's great Love for him, and now, now he--- surely he thought---no---!!

 

No, that is not so, that cannot be true---!! Loki, Loki, did you think....?!

**************************

 

„I’ve forgotten...” Thor whispered, slowly, „I’ve forgotten, Mother, I’ve forgotten. Loki… did he not forget…? And that is why…?”

 

„What are you saying?”

 

„Mother, I won’t be at tomorrow’s funeral! I have no right! And- and – surely Loki is in Valhalla now, and from there, he-- he does not want me to attend his funeral!”

 

---------

nor shall we mourn but rejoice

but I cannot

for some of his blood is on my hands

Loki's blood

therefore, I cannot in justice attend my beloved little brother's funeral.

 

"Father, I shan't attend tomorrow. I cannot."

"Why?"

"I cannot," Thor just repeated, shaking his head. "I cannot. Someday, I will think how to form the words that would show you my blame, right now, as of now, I am unable to do so. Someday, I will be able to ask you to mete out a just punishment to me, Father, whether it be prison or banishment."

"Do not say so. You hath already been punished--"

"Not for this, Father! Not for this. Never yet for this."

"You speak from grief only."

"No, I do not. I speak from understanding. I understand now, what killed Loki. Someday, I will be ready to tell. And then, ask for a just punishment for my part."

Odin shook his head.

"That is but your grief speaking. I understand."

"No, father, you do not know what I had done to your youngest. Someday, I shall... someday, I shall be ready to say. And - ah -father - I do not think you are to blame. You have not told Loki of his birth, but it is I who--failed to say-- failed to love--"

"I shan't hear this nonsense. You loved your brother, ask anyone with eyes to see."

Thor shook his head, wishing he was able to explain. However, that was not to be, not today. Too much, just too much. And-- what would the Allfather say - upon learning that both his sons-- that one of the reasons Loki died was because Thor... because Thor misunderstood--

Wise king never seeks war, father had warned. Maybe, in his own way, he was telling Thor not to hate the Frost Giants? Not to hate Loki's blood... And Loki, because he felt his blood and flesh was loathed, he must hath suddenly for the first time in his life felt he was surely loathed, now that he knew, and when Thor would know, and so, he did-- what he had done. Because Loki, Loki was always so strong, but so fragile, like glass, surely he couldn't bear - he misunderstood-- No, no, Thor himself was also the one who misunderstood, and with his baseless words, he must have, years later upon the sudden discovery, struck the very core of Loki's soul, just as Loki tried to do to Thor himself-- yet Thor still lived, and Loki, he...

The little boy who always snuck into Thor's bed in summers, complaining that he's going to burn and so he must be here because Thor won't let him burn, and affectionately threatening to stab Thor a bit if Thor lets him burn; that boy, that teenager, that man, was gone now. Where Thor could not follow.

With this, Thor turned away. Turned to go. He was not so heartless as to tell Father right now. Or was he just -- a coward, failing to inform the Allfather of the truth?

*********

You killed yourself. And I killed you. Yes, there were two murderers there, but you were just following my lead, so, you're forgiven. I--I cannot be forgiven. Will you ever forgive me, somewhere out there in Valhalla, Loki? Say...

I cannot even rejoice.  Never. Therefore... I am---

Chapter Text

Thor touched the Sceptre gently, having finally found it. Hawkeye and Selvig would surely frown upon him, but... this powerful artefact... who knew if it didn't store some echoes of Loki's thoughts from the time his baby Brother unfortunately wielded it?

He tried to reach those echoes.

Nothing.

Not even faintest sign of Loki.

 

Then again, magic, Magical Arts, Seithr was something the god of Thunder knew not at all.

 

It was a trace of Loki of old he was trying to reach, not traces of destruction, of the madman, and of whatever false king took hold if his beloved baby Bro.

 

 

----------

 

"I don't mean it. That I never was. You do know, don't you?"

Vision said it so suddenly, Thor was startled. It sounded - not the voice but inflection - almost like his late - for a few years now since Swartfeilheim - brother!

"What are you... saying, Vision?"

Vision shook his head.

"I... don't know. Thor, I looked at you, I thought you looked sad. You are one of the ones to have given me life. I would prefer that You be content. When I thought that, the Mind Stone supplied me with a message brought forcibly forth from an Echo of a previous host's Dreams. Full message - accidental message: it is - When I said I was never your brother, my dear brother, I was angry. Mad. Grieving false life I thought to be real. Please never doubt this, Thor: whoever you next meet, in this Avenging group of yours, I love Thee more dearly than they ever do or will do.

I love you most dearly in the Worlds. When I had murdered You in New Mexico, I instantly grieved a little, even trapped in another grief and ... madness, was it? Was it? Even so, I know I've seen you replace me with the Man out of Time and the Stark and the Hulk.

------

No, Loki. Thor thought, stunned. Loki did not die from the Fall - he only died later on Svartfeim, he then died a hero...

----You, tossing me into the Abyss

 

Loki had said back when

---

Loki thought... Thor love so fickle? If so... back than... if Thor's was really such a neglect---

------

"Vision, I apologise? but. My brother once said I tossed him off the Bridge. Does the Stone in your forehead possess such a memory?? Please-"

"Ah. Yes. But this memory is signed 'a lie'.

Thor grinned through sudden tears.

"I'm glad. I'm glad. Thank you."

"Do you wish to see the Lie, or would it upset you, Thor? It's signed ^Ebony Maw Lie^ whatever that means."

Thor clapped his new little cousin on the back, grinning.

'Let us watch it. Maybe then it will lead me to some Ebony Maw, who I would say, definitely has some of Loki's blood on his hands. And I will tell him my opinion on the quality of his lies after I watch it, before introducing him to Mholnir."

Vision nodded.

"The Mind Stone says that previous father - that is Loki - would be ecstatic to hear that."

Thor startled.

"Vision... are you now my nephew?! That's wonderful news! Now, let us watch the false memory."

Vision blushed, embarassed.

"Nephew... I like that thought. Thank you. I shall be if you do not mind, Thor Odinson of Asgard, who gave me life, like Mister Tony Stark. Yours and previous Master's of the Stone in my brain - Loki of Asgard's. Loki Odinson's. Now... we watch."

 

-----

And watch the irritating false memory, containing exactly that which Loki described in 2012, they did.

 

-----

 

'Thor. Please.'

Thor reached for him. As always.

This time, Loki was no illusion. This time, he grabbed his beloved brother's hand.

'Maybe I went about gaining father's approval the wrong wa---aaaahhh!!!'

Thor looked him straight into the eyes, whispered 'that is for pretending to be worthy of my love and stealing plenty of my best love, you damned Laufeyson, for making me believe I had a magnificent and mighty Brother, my Equal in all, and for being born a Fairytale Monster, not a longed for Beloved Above All Brother of Mine. You damned mewling fucking Liar!!!!' and tossed Loki straigh into the wormhole to the Void.

------

Yes, that was one false and irritating 'memory'. Whoever Ebony Maw is, he deserves to die, for making the 'memory me' say the darndest lies that are not in my character at all.