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Does Steel Samurai Is Gay? or How To Talk About Your Weird Crushes on Each Others Pseudo Siblings Without Mentioning Them By Name

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“Thanks again for picking me up from the station, Mr. Edgeworth,” Maya says, propping the door open for Edgeworth, “I could’ve...carried one of those?”

 

“N-Nonsense,” Edgeworth wheezes, yanking the wheeled suitcase, “You’ve been carrying them all day...I would hope Wright does the same for you when you visit.”

 

“I mean, he does,” Maya says, forcing Edgeworth to relinquish one of her bags to her, “ Buuuut, we also take the elevator up to his apartment. And I usually force him to do it because he’s a huge baby about it.”

 

Edgeworth sighs, dropping the suitcases in the entryway of his apartment, “What a gentleman.”

 

“I know,” Maya says, puffing her cheeks, “And then Nick pushes me on you because his A/C goes out! It’s like he falls apart the minute I go back to the village...I’m really sorry, Mr. Edgeworth. I’m sure you’ve got….important prosecutor stuff to do--”

 

“No, no. As I told Wright before, I don’t mind. You don’t deserve to spend your visit in 103-degree heat. Wright, on the other hand....he did mention stopping by to see you sometime this evening--hopefully not dripping in sweat.”

 

“Yuck,” Maya grimaces, plopping down on Edgeworth’s couch, “Your place is too nice for his stinky man-sweat.”

 

“Agreed. Well, as per usual, you’re welcome to help yourself to the television and anything in the fridge. I’ll be in my study finishing up on a few things if you need me--”

 

“Awww,” Maya says, leaning on the back of the couch and pouting up at Edgeworth, “You’re not gonna watch some Steel Samurai with me? It’s like...tradition! You pick me up, we shit-talk Nick, and then you get roped into watching Steel Samurai. You even have the season four disc set out--that’s the best season!”

 

Edgeworth hesitates for a moment, not meeting Maya’s eyes, “Well...I suppose I could put off a few things---”

 

“You also totally left that disc out on purpose because you wanna watch it, don’t lie,” Maya says, grinning, “They’re always tucked away nice and neat unless you’re about to watch them.”

 

“Nggh…” Edgeworth crosses his arms, “Well it’s--you know--”

 

“Pleeeease?”

 

Without a word, Edgeworth sits down opposite Maya on the couch and flicks the television on. Maya cheers, sinking into the couch and pulling Edgeworth’s throw blanket over her and yanking her cell phone out of her bag. “Have you heard about the new stage play?”

 

Edgeworth doesn’t look up from the DVD menu screen, but groans, “Yes, unfortunately.”

 

“Are you still gonna go see it though?” Maya says, holding her phone out for Edgeworth to see, “They posted pictures of the Iron Infant today--I can’t believe they’re going with this weird subplot for a stage play. Like, did they run out of ideas? A baby? An entire baby?”

 

“I haven’t decided yet,” Edgeworth side-eyes the phone screen and frowns, “ Frankly , I don’t understand why the stage play decided to add an established romance that isn’t canonical in the original. As if the Steel Samurai and the Pink Princess have any chemistry beyond being completely platonic--he trained her when she was a teenager, for heaven’s sake--”

 

“I knooow , like--I’m glad it’s not some random lady or whatever? But can you even imagine Steel Samurai being a dad? That’s like--I mean, I love him and all, but he’s not really...That’s like if Nick became a father like, today.

 

“Perish the thought.”

 

“The Steel Samurai’s a good guy and all,” Maya says, “But he’s got other responsibilities...and he’s more like a big brother type than a dad….I dunno, I mean, I am the inspiration for the Pink Princess after all. Why didn’t they consult me about this? I can’t take care of a baby! I’m like, twelve!”

 

That gets a low chuckle out of Edgeworth, “Perhaps the Iron Infant is adopted? Would the Pink Princess be interested in babysitting?”

 

Maya snorts, and waits for the theme song to finish before rebutting, “That still doesn’t explain where he got a baby from! D’you think he just scooped up an orphan somewhere--”

 

“He could have,” Edgeworth says, standing up and walking towards the kitchen, eyes still glued to the screen, “I--Well, I do have a theory--”

 

“Oooh?” Maya says, clapping her hands together, “I wanna hear it! God, Mr. Edgeworth, you’re so much more fun to watch the Steel Samurai with--Nick just falls asleep.”

 

Edgeworth hums, rifling through his cupboards, “That doesn’t surprise me. Do you want sugar in your tea this time?”

 

“Yes please!”

 

A bag of chips is tossed from the kitchen over the couch, and lands next to Maya, startling her. She takes them regardless, happily ripping open the bag and shouting a muffled “Thank you!” to Edgeworth in the kitchen. He returns, two teacups in hand, and gently sets each of them down on the coffee table. “Sooo,” Maya says between handfuls of chips, “What’s your big theory? Aliens? Demons? Vengeful spirits?”

 

Edgeworth takes a long sip from his mug, “It’s...less of a theory, I suppose, and more of a...canonical addendum? A wishful thought?”

 

“Like...what you would write if Sal Manella dropped dead and left the rights to the Steel Samurai to you?”

 

Edgeworth squints, “Yes?”

 

Maya wags a finger, “I’ve got a hundred of those and number one starts with the Pink Princess getting a hot girlfriend, so by all means, Mr. Edgeworth, go on.”

 

“I--That’s, well,” Edgeworth clears his throat, “Yes, that would be--something. I was thinking...with the way the story arc is going in the reboot, it would benefit the characters and the overarching theme of the Steel Samurai if the Evil Magistrate was given a redemption arc.”

 

“I mean, yeah,” Maya says, shrugging, “They even teamed up against the Sinister Shōgun in season three AND six, and he gave that whole speech about how the Steel Samurai taught him about the ‘importance of justice’ and the true reason he fights or whatever. He’s basically like an anti-hero now rather than the major villain.”

 

Edgeworth nods, taking another drink, “Exactly. And I feel as though...if they’re going so far as to have the Evil Magistrate move from a villain to an anti-hero, and if they give him the redemption arc he deserves, and perhaps he works alongside the Steel Samurai again, regularly--”

 

He sighs, setting his tea down to click forward to the next episode as the credits roll, “I suppose what I’m implying is that if they’re going to--if they’re going to make romance a central focus in the series from this point forward, why wouldn’t they choose the character closest to the Steel Samurai? The one who taught him there was more to his own morals and ideals…”

 

“Are you saying you want the Steel Samurai and the Evil Magistrate to be endgame?” Maya says, cocking an eyebrow, “Like--wait, are we still talking about the Iron Infant? Because that’s not--”

 

“All I am saying is that I do not see the point in pouring so much development and love into a character and their dynamic just to cast it all aside and deliver an amateurish, heterosexual, unsatisfying ending in which our hero simply settles down with a wife and child as if nothing mattered! As if it was always meant to be that way.”

 

There’s a pause. The Steel Samurai theme blares in the background. Maya finally picks up her tea and takes a long, thoughtful drink. Edgeworth’s arms are crossed, his brow furrowed, and his finger taps rhythmically on his sleeve.

 

“They did put in that weird childhood flashback episode where they had matching training swords,” Maya admits, “That they both still...had.”

 

“Mhm.”

 

“Well,” Maya whistles low, “I guess we have to kill Sal Manella.”

 

“No, please don’t give Wright another heart attack,” Edgeworth groans, but relaxes his shoulders and slumps back onto the couch, “I do know that it’s absolutely unattainable and a highly unlikely conclusion, given Manella’s track record. But--wouldn’t it be...to see someone like the Steel Samurai in a happy, fulfilling relationship with another man, with someone he’s grown alongside for all these years…maybe I--I’m sorry, Ms. Fey, I believe I’m starting to ramble.”

 

Maya chin-hands, blinking up at Edgeworth from beside him on the couch, “It’s Maya , remember? And don’t worry about it. I really like that you trust me enough to talk to me about silly Steel Samurai stuff! And, yanno, not so silly stuff.”

 

“The Steel Samurai, defender of Neo Olde Tokyo, is never silly ,” Edgeworth objects, but the corner of his mouth twitches into a smile, “But--I do appreciate you listening. Thank you.”

 

“Also, it’s totally cool that you’re projecting onto the Evil Magistrate,” Maya says, twisting her hair bead and making an obvious point to avoid eye contact with Edgeworth, “But, umm, do I wanna know who your Steel Samurai is?”

 

“Wh--I am NOT projecting!” Edgeworth protests, “I’m just--I just think that if Sal Manella had a decent bone in his horrible, grotesque little body he would double down on his OWN characterization and--STOP LAUGHING , MAYA FEY!”

 

“I’m sorry! I just...you totally see what I mean though right?” Maya says, giggling, “God, imagine the Evil Magistrate with a bunch of Steel Samurai merch…”

 

“In all fairness, the Steel Samurai did keep the Evil Magistrate’s wanted poster near his bedside for several arcs,” Edgeworth glowers, “So if anyone were to have merchandise…”

 

“Okay, okay,” Maya says, laughing, “So what you’re saying is, you think the good end is the Steel Samurai hooking up with the Evil Magistrate, adopting some random kid, and then like...business as usual only this time Pink Princess helps push their stroller when they’re doing things around Neo Olde Tokyo sometimes?”

 

Edgeworth blinks slowly, but nods, “Not the way I would put it, but yes, that is the gist.”

 

“And the Pink Princess gets a hot girlfriend?”

 

“Well, if we’re assuming Manella is dead and we’ve taken over--yes,” Edgeworth says, “You’re very fixated on that.”

 

Maya gestures wildly at the screen as the Pink Princess readys an attack, “Look at her! She deserves better! Can you even imagine her dating any of the men in this show? She’s stuck being like, the only woman...not to mention her spinoff only ran for like ten episodes.”

 

“And it was an absolute nightmare,” Edgeworth says, grimacing, “The things they made poor Will Powers do…”

 

“Right?” Maya says, pounding her fist into her palm, “I had to turn the beach episode off half-way through because I thought Pearly was going to have a heart attack.”

 

“In the interest of fairness, do you have...opinions on who this mythical girlfriend should be?”

 

Maya hums, leaning back into the couch and tucking her feet up, “I mean, I dunno. Maybe another princess? But like, instead of being from the village, she’s from some rich, far away country...and she’s famous for, um, you know, some...weird way of...fighting or something.”

 

“Mh hm.”

 

“And she’s like, not friendly at first, but the Pink Princess fights her one day and she’s really into it and respects her now...and then they hold hands and kill bad guys together. Simple stuff.”

 

Edgeworth gives Maya a long look, holding the corners of his mouth as straight as possible.

 

“...What?”

 

“Nothing.”

 

“You’re doing that thing that you do right before you make a really mean joke and then snicker to yourself about how funny it was,” Maya’s cheeks puff again, and her arms cross tightly, “And I didn’t make the obvious joke about who your Steel Samurai was--”

 

“Wh--I haven’t said anything!” Edgeworth protests, “In fact, I specifically said nothing--”

 

“Yeah, well,” Maya says, narrowing her eyes, “You were thinking it. And that makes you guilty of it anyway. What’s the--premeditation! You’re guilty of premeditation!”

 

“And I suppose you have means to prove this with evidence, then?”

 

“Can I submit that weird smile you do as evidence because that’s really all I’m working with here...it makes you look like a dog that’s about to throw up,” Maya says, “Oh, and also that you’re a huge jerk.”

 

“Hmm,” Edgeworth taps his chin, “The court accepts this evidence.”

 

They both laugh at that, Maya more-so than Edgeworth. Her laughter dissolves into a dramatic groan, “Ugh, as funny as you admitting to being a huge jerk is, I feel like I just got a taste of what you and Nick’s flirty texts look like, and I hate it.”

 

Edgeworth turns pinker than he already is, “I can only assume you’re talking about the strictly legal related texts we exchange occasionally because I am unaware of anything else you might be referring to.”

 

“Uh huh,” Maya rolls her eyes, “Well, that’s definitely not the ones past work hours that Nick reads next to me on the couch while I’m trying to watch television. I don’t see why he’d be getting all weird and googly-eyed over murders.”

 

“He--I’m sorry, he what?” Edgeworth’s ears feel hot.

 

“Well, you just said you only text him about boring legal stuff! He must’ve been texting someone else. My bad.”

 

Maya’s grinning as if the claw of a crane machine closed around her prize. Edgeworth hesitates, looks as if he might speak, decides instead to take a drink of tea, sets the cup down, picks it up once more, and says, “Hypothetically, if Wright was behaving, er, strangely over our...correspondence...did he say anything to you about it?”

 

“Hmm, I dunno!” Maya’s smile grows, tauntingly, “Why d’you wanna know?”

 

“Er, that is--you see, I--”

 

Both of them seem to jump a foot off the couch at the sound of a sharp knock at the door, followed by the sound of a turning lock. Phoenix’s head peeks through the crack in the door as it opens.

 

“Oh, sh--Uh, hey! I didn’t think you guys had gotten back yet so I let myself in with that spare key you gave me,” he says bashfully, looking from a glowering Edgeworth to a glowing Maya, “Maya wasn’t...answering her texts.”

 

Phoenix, disheveled and indeed covered in sweat, clicks the door shut behind him and rubs nervously at the base of his neck, “The A/C is almost fixed! I...left the repairman because I couldn’t stand the heat anymore and I figured you wanted to see me before midnight. Um. I feel like I’ve interrupted something?”

 

Maya giggles, suspiciously tucking her phone out of sight, “You have a spare key for Edgeworth’s apartment?”

 

“For emergencies, ” Edgeworth states matter-of-factly, “What in the world were you planning to do while you waited for us to arrive?”

 

Phoenix shrugs, avoiding eye contact with the man glaring daggers into his skull, “Shower?”

 

“You were going to use Edgeworth’s shower?

 

“Maya, you’re the only one making this weird--”

 

“His shower?!

 

“My shower, Wright?”

 

“Don’t encourage her!” Phoenix groans, “ You said I could if I wanted to and I don’t want to shower with the repairman in my office!”

 

“I mean, I just wanted to know if he had that limited edition Steel Samurai toothbrush holder in there,” Maya says, very obviously lying, “You’re the one making it weird.”

 

“Indeed,” the corner of Edgeworth’s mouth twitches upwards, “I wouldn’t want something to happen to my beloved toothbrush holder, Wright.”

 

Phoenix narrows his eyes at Maya, “Listen, unless you two pals want to scoot over and deal with me sticking to Edgeworth’s couch, I’m gonna go use the shower. And it’s not going to be weird. I even brought a change of clothes all the way over here. When I biked here. In the heat.”

 

Maya waited until Phoenix had clicked the lock on the bathroom door before turning to Edgeworth. “So does the Steel Samurai toothbrush holder come with an Evil Magistrate toothbrush , oooor--”

 

“I’m deleting Franziska’s number from your phone.”

 

“It’s an honest question!”