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A Hundred Golden Suns

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I woke up the next day and blinked my eyes a few times until the memory of the day before came rushing to me. Armie. Paris. I felt nauseous. I reached for my phone. There was nothing. No text messages. No missed calls. No nothing. I felt empty. 

I sat there a moment. So maybe I wasn’t ready to go to Paris with Armie, but I also wasn’t ready to let him go. I got up. I went and showered and dressed. I got my keys and wallet. Aiden was in the living room. He glanced up at me. 

“Hey,” he said softly. 

“Hey,” I answered. I went and sat beside him. “Thanks for last night,” I said. 

He glanced at me. “It was actually early this morning, but hey, that’s what best buds are for.” I nodded. “You’re showered and dressed,” he said. 

“I’m gonna go talk to Armie,” I said. Aiden nodded. “I just want to, you know, talk.”

“Talking is good,” Aiden said. I took a deep shaky breath in. “Good luck,” he said. 

“Thanks,” I replied. I got up and went. 

I hopped in my car and made my way to Armie’s. Once I was there I called him. 

“Hello?” His husky voice sent a chill through my body. 

“It’s me,” I said. I felt so emotional. 

“Ok,” he said and his gate slid open. I drove in and as I turned towards his home my stomach sank at the sight of the red Porsche I knew was Rhys’s. 

“Fuck me,” I said. 

I let out a breath. I shut off my car and exited and made my way to the door. I was almost there when it opened. I slowed down as my eyes meet Rhys’s icy gaze. He exited Armie’s home and walked past me without saying anything. I walked forward and through the front door left open by Rhys. I close it softly behind me. I enter the living room and everything was quiet. The library was empty as well. I went up the stairs. I walked past his office and turned right and walked down the hall. His bedroom door was open. I walked inside. 

Armie was standing by his window, the big one the sun shines through as it rises. “Armie,” I whispered. I walked inside to the center of his room.

After a few seconds he finally looked my way. “You’re back,” he said. His eyes were red, he had been crying. I nodded. “I thought you had left me.”

It broke my heart the way his voice sounded as he spoke. “No,” I said. I walked over to him and embraced him tightly. “No, Armie. No.”

I felt his arms wrap around me. “Why did you leave?” He asked. 

I close my eyes. “I was overwhelmed.”

“Do I overwhelm you?”

I let out a shaky breath as I clung to him. “Sometimes,” I whispered. 

I held him tightly and buried my face in his neck, his scent engulfing me. It was so wonderful. His body so warm. It felt so good to be close to him. My heart felt so good. The never-ending ache of love and sorrow. Perhaps in some other life I could have refused, could have torn my hair and screamed, and made him face his choice alone. But not in this one.

“I... I didn’t mean to,” he said. “I never knew a trip to Paris could ever be a bad idea.”

I laughed and stepped back. “It isn’t,” I said. “Maybe... just not now. Maybe in a few more months...” I reached up and held his face in my hands, caressing him. “I’m sorry,” I said. 

He nodded as he leaned in and kissed me. It felt so good. I slid my hands inside his shirt. It’s quite sudden, and soon enough we’re on the bed and undressed. It’s almost insane how strong all my feelings are for Armie. I almost don’t understand it myself.  

I pushed him down on the bed and lean over him, stroking him and running my hands over his chest as my tongue explores his mouth. We pull apart slightly as I kiss his lips. “Fuck me, Timothée,” he mumbled into my lips. “Fuck me, please. I need you so badly. I need to feel you inside of me.”

I moan on his mouth as my body reacts so his demand. “Yes,” I tell him. “Yes. Yes. Yes.” Anything he wants, my brain is saying to me. Give him anything and everything he wants. I lean over and grab a condom and lube. 

“Fuck me, baby,” Armie says in a desperate moan. 

I can hardly breathe as I look down at him. His body is writhing against mine. I quickly put the condom on and enter him. “Oh fuck!” I say as I feel him tighten around me. “Fuck!”

I began to fuck him. I watch him as he closed his eyes and furrowed his brow and groans. I feel almost as if in a trance. “Yes,” I hear him say. “Yes. Yes.”

“Yes,” I tell him as I pound into him. As hard as I can. As deep as I can. I would never get used to this, I thought to myself. I had done this already enough times that my body was becoming familiar with being inside him and yet, I knew I would never quite get used to it. My heart would always race and my stomach would always clench and my body would come alive with desire for him. Desire that would never be quenched or satisfied. Desire that would never leave me. My desire for him would always be part of who I am. I was realizing that more and more as time went by. 

 


 

We laid side by side, panting. I looked up at the ceiling, trying to slow my brain and heart and breath. I glanced over at Armie and saw he was panting too, just as hard. He looked over at me. He turned on his side as did I and he kissed me. 

“I have to go though,” he said and I knew he was speaking of Paris. 

“I know,” I said. “It know. It’s ok.”

He nodded. He took my hand in his. “I’ll be there for Christmas and New Years,” he said. 

“Ok,” I said. “It’s ok. It’s business.”

“Yeah,” he said softly. “I’m sorry I’ll miss your birthday.”

“It’s ok,” I said. 

“Can I give you a birthday present though? Would that be ok?”

“Yes,” I said, closing my eyes and swallowing. “Just nothing too overly expensive.”

“Ok,” he said quietly. “It won’t be.”

“What if I drove you to the airport?” I asked him. He eyes quickly looked up at mine. 

“Aren’t you driving home?” He asked me. 

“What time does your flight leave?” I asked. 

“10:15 am,” he told me. 

I nodded. My plans had been to be on the road by 7:30 am to make it home as early as possible. It was fine though, I could drop him off. I wanted to. “That’s fine,” I said leaning in and kissing him. “That’s fine, I’ll drop you off and then I’ll drive home,” I said smiling at him and caressing his chest. 

“Will you please stay with me the weekend?” Armie asked. “Stay with me till I go?”

“Yes, baby,” I said. I could never say no to him. 

 


 

We drove to my apartment. Aiden was there and he looked a bit surprised when he saw Armie come inside. “I’m gonna grab my bag,” I said. I still had it packed and ready. I went to my room and grabbed it. 

“Aiden,” I said. “I’m gonna stay with Armie till I leave for home Monday,” I said. 

“Ok,” he said. He stepped forward and we hugged. “I’ll see you when I’m back,” I told him. 

“Everything ok?” He asked me in a whisper. I nodded. 

“Yes,” I said. We pulled apart and I smiled at him. “It’s all good,” I said. 

“Ok,” he said smiling at me. “Armie. Good to see you, Merry Christmas,” Aiden said. 

“Thank you Aiden. Merry Christmas,” Armie replied. 

 


 

We were back at Armie’s. We had prepared a lasagna and had it in the oven. We were on a loveseat in the library. He was laying on me, his cheek on my chest. He was holding me tight. He had felt clingy since the morning but I didn’t mind. I liked it. I held him tight too. 

“You’re not the only one overwhelmed,” he said softly. 

“No?” I asked. 

“No,” he said. 

I waited a moment to see if he would say more but he didn’t. So I just held him. “What if from now on, I drop you off at the airport anytime you have a business trip?” I asked him. I was caressing his hair. “Would you like that?”

“I would love that,” he said. 

 


 

We had dinner and we both felt better. Back to normal. He spoke of Paris to me and asked if I had ever been.  

“Once when I was younger. My dad is French and we have family there. My sister lives there,” I said. Armie raised his eyebrows in surprise as he ate. I smiled at him. “Don’t be mad I’m not going,” I said. 

“I was never mad,” he said. I gave him a look. “Yeah I was mad. Just you know, I thought I was being so amazing and I thought I would sweep you off your feet and romance you in Paris,” he shrugged his shoulders. 

“You don’t need Paris for that,” I said. I felt my face warm as I kept my eyes on my food. “Plus, later on, down the line, we can go,” I whispered. I didn’t want him to feel disappointed.  

“Yeah,” he said. “Anyway,” He reached over and held my hand. “Tell me what your plans are when you get home for Christmas.”

I looked at him and smiled and began to tell him about what my family and I were more than likely to do. Our Christmas traditions and New Years. And I told him about my grandmother. I felt myself sharing silly little stories about my family and Christmas and growing up. We finished eating and washed the dishes and I was still sharing with him. I talked and talked and I didn’t worry I was talking too much or too fast. He was grinning and smiling and so engaged. He was wonderful and sweet. 

Once we were done downstairs we climbed up the stairs, and went to his room where we started to change for bed. “I’m sorry for talking so much,” I said. 

He shook his head and came over and kissed me. “Hearing you talk is the best thing. I could hear you talk for hours.” 

I felt my face warm and he kissed both my cheeks and then my lips. I felt the butterflies in my stomach. I would never get used to all of this. He was too beautiful and amazing to me to ever get used to. “Your voice is my favorite sound,” he said. “I want it to be the first thing I hear in the mornings and the last thing I hear at night,” he said, his blue eyes were looking into my soul as he leaned into me again and kissed me once more. My breath hitched in my throat.  

I looked at his face, so close to mine. The strong jaw and the delicate curves around his eyes. He was so perfect. I slid my hand up and over his chest, caressing the muscle beneath. He shivered beneath my hand and I felt sudden hot desire rise in me. My heart raced at the realization that my touch could make him shiver in the way he had. 

I closed the space between us. My lips brushed his. They were so soft. “I need to fuck you again,” I whispered to him. 

“Take me to bed and fuck me then,” he whispered back.  

So I did.