Work Header

Battletoads 2: The Scissoring

Work Text:

“HARK! The Battletoads. Oh how I hate them! I HATE RASH! I HATE ZITZ! AND I HATE PIMPLE!”

The Dark Queen ranted as she paced back and forth, waving her arms madly with each declaration. She was alone in her Schemin' Chamber, which was the name for what most other people would have called her den, working herself up into a villainous frenzy. An observer might wonder why in the world she felt the need to state these sentiments aloud, and punctuate them with such animated gestures, when there was no one to hear or see her...but the nice thing about being alone to rabidly rave is that it really doesn't matter what an observer might think of it, since there are none present.

“But soon, soon they shall be a thorn in my side no longer!” she continued, trying out a mild devious cackle as she approached three large shapes covered in cloth. In a dramatic fashion - once again rather meaningless considering that she had no audience, really, but we all find different ways to amuse ourselves - she grabbed the cloth and swept it away, revealing three robots built to resemble the Battletoads.

“If those dratted toads are busy fighting my newest weapons, then the princess is ALONE AND UNPROTECTED!” she monologued as she burst into a fit of maniacal laughter, well-timed lightning cracking through the sky as her cackling reached a crescendo.

As her laughter came to an end, she approached a portrait of the Princess that didn't so much hang on the wall of her bedchamber as just was the wall of her bedchamber - subtlety was for sissies! “They all think that I am merely evil,” the Dark Queen sighed, as she tenderly ran her hand along the frame. “But oh, my dear, sweet Princess Angelica! HOW I LOVE YOU!"

“(And your magical pendant),” she added in a lower voice.

Looking back to her most powerful creations, the robo-toads, she laughed again, proud of her dastardly and wicked brilliance.

“Cream, Ointment, Lotion!” she snapped. “Go pop, squeeze, and scratch those pesky toads! See to it they never irritate me again!”

And with that, she opened a portal to wherever the Battletoads currently were - after a certain point, it had seemed prudent to just keep them on teleportation speed dial - and the robots rushed through, ready to fight.

She was about to walk through herself, when her doorbell rang. The Dark Queen hesitated for a moment. She really was kind of in the middle of something, but...on the other hand, this was about the time of year that the Girl Scouts started selling their cookies door to door...

Sighing, she started to walk toward the entrance. As she reached for the lever that would drop the visitor into a lava pit, she heard a familiar voice call from the other side of the door.


The Dark Queen hesitated for a second, but, with an annoyed sigh, moved her free hand to the doorknob and opened it. She kept her other hand on the lever, though. “What do you want? I’m in the middle of an evil scheme!” she demanded in annoyance.


“What? No! I’m about to kidnap a Princess; I don’t want you trying any stupid plans of your own while mine are going on,” she told him, casually pulling the lever as she did. The ground in front of the castle opened, and her brother plummeted with a scream.


“Like I’m that cliche,” the Queen muttered as she closed the door. Lava piranha were much cheaper, anyway.

With that taken care of, she went back through the portal, and was happy to see that her robo-toads were already fighting and holding those blasted Battletoads at bay. The Princess, as to be expected, was trying to hide nearby and stay out of sight of the menacing robots. Thank badness she didn't have quite enough sense to actually try finding a hiding place somewhere other than the room where a dangerous battle was going on; the Dark Queen would have had to waste time actually tracking her down if she had.

“Ah, a royal virginity. I"LL STEAL IT! NO ONE WILL EVER KNOW!!!”

Pulling out a rope and handkerchief from...somewhere, The Dark Queen started to spin in place, turning into a tornado. She spun toward Princess Angelica, scooping her up, and in a non-specific blur of motion very convenient and cheap to animate, bound and gagged her.

The Dark Queen could hear the toads shouting something, no doubt the usual one-liners and catchphrases as well as bluster about how they would save the princess. At this point she'd heard that that stuff so often that it was just background noise. Why, she wondered, did one-dimensional blowhards always feel the need to verbalize every self-congratulatory thought and quip that ran through their mind, as though anyone else cared? Did they secretly have no self-confidence and just needed to psych themselves up, or something?

Well, whatever. She had things to do. "And now, Princess Angelica is MINE! None can stand before the Dark Queen!" she crowed victoriously, and scooped Angelica up and slung her over her shoulder. The princess squirmed and struggled in her captor's hold, but to no avail. Rule Number 1 of Villainy: Never Skip Arm Day.

Yes, carrying the slim, squirming, buxom blonde beauty was the easy part. The hard part was what came next...keeping her.

Once through the portal, the Dark Queen shifted her grasp on the princess, carrying her bridal-style now. Because she was classy, dammit.

“Well, Princess Angelica, I have the perfect plan for you this time!” the Dark Queen declared. “I just have one more thing to set up for it, so while I do...why not make yourself comfortable!” She laid the still-struggling princess (who might have struggled a little less if she had the faintest idea of just how much of a turn-on helpless damsel squirming is to a villainous captor) down on a length of train tracks running along the floor, taking a moment to rework the ropes and tie her down to the tracks.

“Do you like the new decoration?” the Dark Queen asked with a note of pride. “I just love the effect they have on the ambiance, you know? My feng shui advisor didn't think much of them, I admit, but then, he complained about the lava moat I left him in, too, so what's he know?”

Angelica said something in reply, but the handkerchief muffled her voices and made it impossible to understand her, despite the fact it was only covering her mouth and not actually gagging her at all.

“I’ll take that as a compliment!” Dark Queen replied with a dastardly grin as she walked away. “I’ll be back in a few moments! Don’t try anything progressive, like trying to escape on your own or having any kind of self-empowering thoughts!”

Princess Angelica mumbled a reply through the handkerchief that sounded an awful lot like "What are those?", as the Dark Queen walked out and into her room of gadgets and tools. Looking around, she eyed up all the implements at her disposal: a rack, a bed of nails, stockades, a guillotine, a deathray, a comically huge anvil suspended by a thin rope over a large X painted on the floor below it...all worthy choices, of course. But soon enough she settled on the tool she really wanted: a chair with an attached helmet and a screen.

“I’m glad I paid that extra money to get the zero gravity parts,” she remarked, grabbing a handle to drag it out of the room, only to find that it was far too heavy to move. Tugging and struggling, she found it still wouldn’t budge. Moving to the side, she examined the chair, and found that the anti-gravity unit was broken.

“One of those idiot delivery workers must have dropped it...I’ll have to remember to chop off his head later,” she grumbled, folding her arms. Why did minions on every single possible level of an evil organization have to be so incompetent?

“Alright then, doing it like this,” she decided, walking back to her bedroom. Damned minions and their labor laws mandating time off for religious holidays! Why did L. Ron Hubbard have to be born on this stupid weekend?

Reentering the room where Angelica squirmed patiently on the railroad tracks, Dark Queen set to work with only a few under-the-breath grumbles about lazy subordinates. She undid the ropes that held the princess to the tracks, and once more swept her into her arms, taking a moment to feel up her ass as she did.

Once they were in the enhanced interrogation chamber (apparently the word torture didn't appeal strongly to test audiences...bunch of whiny liberals), the Dark Queen wasted no time in putting the Princess into the chair. A large metal band sprung out, and clamped around her waist.

With the princess secure, the Queen removed the thin fabric that had been loosely held against her mouth, magically restoring the princess's ability to speak.

“I will never give you my amulet!” Angelica shouted in defiance. “And once the Battletoads get here,they'll save me, and you’ll run away like always!”

The Queen laughed. “Oh, I don’t think so!” she told the princess, as she pulled a remote out of her cleavage and pressed a button. The screen in front of Angelica came on, showing the toads and robo-toads...sitting at a fancy restaurant, having a nice date.

“Well...I can't say that this was part of my plan, but it works!” the Queen remarked with a shrug.

She turned away from the monitor. “But enough about that! It’s time for my evil plan to begin in earnest!” the villainess declared, as she pressed another button, and tiny mechanical arms popped out of the side of the chair and ripped off Angelica’s clothing.

Her body was flawless, jaw-dropping in its splendor: firm, perfectly rounded breasts capped with soft pink nipples, a toned, slim belly, inviting and thick thighs, legs for days...and her pussy had perfectly trimmed, golden blonde hair.

Angelica let out a high-pitched scream. “Noooo, now I can never get married!” she wailed.

“Sure you can: to ME!” the Queen declared, as she pressed another button and the screen lit up with a new image.

A big black and white spiral filled the screen, but it didn’t end there: the screen itself actually dropped loose, suspended by a chain. It began to sway back and forth hypnotically, as the spiral on it began to twirl. As this occurred, two mechanical arms ending in large white gloves extended out from the sides of the chair, one holding up a flashcard upon which the word "OBEY" was written, while the other hand pointed to it. Finally, while that was occurring, a large ray gun popped out of the top of the chair, and fired rings of bright green energy into her head.

Princess Angelica tried to turn her head away from it, but as soon as she did, a cartoonish wooden sign popped up out of the floor, painted with an arrow that pointed forward. Curious, Angelica turned her head to see what it was pointing at, and got an eyeful of hypno-screen and all its visual aids.

After just a few seconds of watching the screen, her eyes were filled with the same spiral pattern, her pupils and irises somehow actually changing to match it.

“That’s...unexpected. But I like it!” the Dark Queen said with an enthusiastic snap of her fingers.

The snap seemed to wake Angelica up.

“You evil woman, I will never!” she protested, as she started to zone out again. Soon enough her eyes were back to spirals. Just to be safe, though, the Queen decided to leave Angelica in there for a bit longer, and left to grab some lunch.

After finishing her ham and cheese sandwich - for some reason, she just loved anything hammy and cheesy - the Dark Queen returned to find that Angelica was, thankfully, still sitting there, and hadn’t been rescued yet. A bit of a relief, that; it had happened before. Really, it was beyond rude of those toads to save her without at least giving Dark Queen a chance to kill them first.

As a test, she snapped her fingers, and got no response. Angelica's head just flopped gently to the side as she drooled.

“Alright, this works,” the Queen decided, as she pressed yet another button on her remote. The straps came loose, and Angelica nearly fell out of her seat, but the Queen was able to catch her, and started to carry her to her bed.

“Oh, this is just the best day ever!” she exclaimed with joy, as she tossed the princess onto the bed. “Now first things first: hand over your amulet!”

“Yes, my Queen...” Angelica replied dreamily, as she reached up and unclasped her necklace, then handed it to the Queen.

The moment she had in her hands, the Dark Queen began to laugh maniacally. “Yes! Yes, at long last!” she cried out victoriously, as she put it on and felt the rush of magic surge through her. "I have the Power!”

Because fuck lawyers!

Now with the stated power to do anything she wanted, the Dark Queen reached out, pressed her finger against Angelica’s forehead, and sent a tiny zap into her brain that would permanently make her into an obedient lesbian sex slave. She was gonna have her cake and eat it out too!

Angelica blinked as her previously tranced-out mind was reformed into a more functional, permanently altered one (although not quite as altered as one might think; there had been quite a lot of "The lady doth protest too much" in her past resistance to the Queen's propositions). She leaned back with a smile, spreading her legs, and purred, “So, my love, do you want to eat my princess pussy...or do you want me to munch on your queenly quim?”

With a grin half maniacal, half giddy with genuine joy, the Dark Queen replied, “Why not both?” and ripped off her unitard. It was fine, she had a closet full of them, and also more than a few skeletons. But that’s what happens when the walk-in closet doubles as a dungeon.

Now fully nude, she jumped into bed, got on top of the princess, turned to face the other way, and lowered her cunt into the girl’s face as she buried her own face between Angelica's soft and supple thighs. She started to lick right away.

“Sweeter than a cherry popsicle!” she remarked as she spread the princess’s labia and started to lick at her inner folds. At the same time, the Princess was moaning and slurping at the queen’s cunt, pushing her tongue as deep as she could while rubbing her lips now and then against her clit.

In return, the Queen began to focus on Angelica’s clit more, sucking and licking it as she rubbed her fingers all along the lips of her pussy. She could feel the blonde trembling and moaning; she was getting very close. The same was true for the Queen, who couldn’t believe how skilled the Princess’s tongue was for finding all the best spots, and the way she was moaning only added to how good it felt as her voice vibrated against the Queen's pleasure button.

Soon both of them came, the Queen grinding herself hard into the princess’s face, and Angelica letting out a shriek of delight as her Queen licked her harder than ever. Slurping loudly and noisily through their climax, they both soon came again, one orgasm following another.

As the spasms of pleasure that had racked them began to ebb, the Dark Queen lay happily upon beloved princess, savoring this moment in which evil and love had triumphed hand in hand. After a few minutes, she rolled off and looked down at Angelica, who was lying there, blissful and slick with her lover's cum.

“Time to have a little more fun, and claim my prize the old-fashioned way,” she decided, snapping her fingers and calling on the limitless, godlike power of the amulet to materialize a strap-on, snugly fit to her. Black, soft, ribbed, and sporting a devious little handlebar mustache at its end, it was the perfect villainous tool.

“But before I claim you maidenhood, I think it only proper for us to be married,” the Queen proclaimed. "Just because I'm evil, that doesn't mean I don't respect traditional values! In fact, sometimes it makes it a lot easier...”

Clearing her throat, the Queen snapped her fingers, and created a pair of smooth obsidian rings. She handed one to the Princess, and kept the other for herself.

“Now then: Princess Angelica do you take me, The Dark Queen, as your questionably-lawfully wedded wife and owner for all eternity, because by the way I’m making us both immortal, and promise to obey all my orders and wishes like a good mindless slave girl (told you I was traditional)?” the Dark Queen asked.

“Of course, Mistress, I would love to!” Angelica answered with an eager smile. “I do!”

“I do as well! Obviously,” The Dark Queen said with a happy smirk. “Now by the power vested in me by myself, and the narratively vague and convenient godlike powers that the amulet grants me, I declare us wife and wife!”

And with that, they both slipped on their rings.

“There! Now that things are good and proper...time to fuck!” the Queen declared, as she jumped into the bed, grabbing Angelica’s legs and spreading them. She tapped the tip of the dildo against her pussy, and slowly pushed it into her wife; she wanted to give Angelica a chance to adjust to the feeling. Slowly and gently, the Queen began to pick up speed and power, and soon she was pounding the woman before her like pizza dough that had risen too much.

Angelica moaned. “Yes, yes, yes...this is the best!”

Before long, Angelica came hard, her juices squirting and soaking the bed sheets. The Dark Queen herself came a few moments later; she also produced a veritable flood of cum.

Getting off of her bride, the Dark Queen  was quick to shift to sitting on her knees. “Get on all fours,” she ordered.

Queen Angelica got into position right away, facing outward toward a huge mirror. Slapping her ass once, the Dark Queen took a moment to rub her dildo along the blonde's pussy again, before driving it in deep.

As the Dark Queen moved her hips like a machine and Angelica moaned as she watched herself int he mirror, there was a loud crash outside.

The Queen didn’t stop or slow down as she kept fucking the new queen-by-marriage; she just raised her hand, ready to zap whoever it was. Not to kill them, but to just drop them into the lava...they deserved a fighting chance, after all.

All at once the door to the bedroom was kicked in, and a pair of men dressed in red and blue leapt in.

"UNHAND HER, SKULLMAGEDDON!" the one in red shouted heroically, pointing with righteous fury at the chest of drawers.

"UNHAND HER, SKULLMAGEDDON!" he tried again, pointing now at the strap-on.

"UNHAND HER SKULLMAGEDDON!" he repeated, his pointing condemnation finally managing to find the villain in the room, if not the one he'd expected to find. "Hey, we're getting in a rut!"

"No, we're trying to rut!" Angelica replied in annoyance, looking back at the two idiots that had interrupted her honeymoon. "Get out of here!"

"Hey, this isn't Marian!" the man in blue told his partner, pointing at Angelica. "She's a natural blonde!"

“Well, sorry about interrupting,” the guy in red apologized. "We thought we'd tracked Skullmageddon here." They turned to leave.

“So you gonna blast them, My Queen?” Angelica asked. “'Cause that’d be hot.”

“Yes it would!” the Dark Queen agreed, pleased that her wife was acclimating so well to villainy. She fired off a blast of energy that instantly evaporated the two idiots, leaving nothing but a pair of headbands.

The sight of her wife and owner abusing the power that she had stolen was far too arousing, and Queen Angelica came so hard that she passed out.

Not wanting to push her new bride any more for the moment, the Dark Queen instead got off the bed and went to the mirror, calling up an image of the toads and their robot doubles to see what had come of that situation. They all seemed to be having a good time...Rash and Pimple were currently making revolting amphibious love to their robotic duplicates, which annoyed the Dark Queen a little - she hadn't programmed those robots to be the kind of sluts who put out on the first date! Zitz, meanwhile, whose date had ended only with a kiss and a wave at the door, was sitting int he corner of the room, watching the others with a creepy intensity.

The Dark Queen considered zapping them into dust, but shrugged. With the power she had now, they really weren't much of a threat, and they didn't really have much reason to bother rescuing Angelica any more, now that the Dark Queen had turned the frogs gay.

“Eh, I'll consider destroying them tomorrow, see if it strikes my mood then,” she decided, heading back to bed.

The Dark Queen pulled her wife into her arms, and let herself drift off to sleep, thoughts gently transforming into dreams of how the two of them would soon rule the entire universe...