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Hotch

 

you: I can't believe this.

you: You're gone. You're not here anymore.

you: You just up and left all of us, didn't even let us try. Knew we'd chase Peter Lewis to the end of the universe, but you left. You fled. You ran. I don't understand. Why? You always fought to the end of the earth for all of us. Why wouldn't you let us do the same for you?

you: This is stupid. You're not even getting my messages. You're probably behind some tinted truck being shipped off to the middle of nowhere, Jack clutching to you like you're his lifeline.

you: I know you feel that he's the only family you have now. I know if you lose him, you feel as if the cracks in your psyche would finally crack wide open. I know that's why you felt like WitSec was the only option. Last time you risked something like this, Haley paid it with her life. This time, you're afraid it'd be Jack. 

you: But I just thought... you'd trust in us. Like how you've always had our back whenever we've needed it, when you need ours, you would let us have yours.

you: Wouldn't be the first time I was wrong. I hope you're happy wherever you are.


 Hotch

 

you: Emily's a good leader. She trusts us, I can tell. You did a good job leaving the position to her.

you: I can trust her to have my back completely now, with all the secrets out of the way. Wouldn't have believed this to happen ten years ago, when she just joined and was mysterious and kick-ass. She's changed.

you: You've changed, too. Could have never imagined you leaving. Once, you wouldn't have left this job for anything in the world - I thought, even if all of us left, you'd still be the captain, like you've always been. Not that we'd leave, we can't. This job is our calling. This job is the one thing that makes us feel human. 

you: Now, for you, the present tense are all past tenses. I can't imagine not doing what we do - what I do, now. Without this job, I'd be hollow. Wouldn't know what to do next. 

you: Is that wrong? I'm now wondering what you're doing as a civilian, because I've never thought about that. I know your past careers, but I could never imagine you having a desk job. Always believed that something like that would be the end of you.

you: Are you a lawyer? Do you teach? Do you write? Are you just finally enjoying your retirement? Do you think about us as much as we think about you? 

you: Emily's calling. Wondering what you're doing now.


Reid

 

you: (unsent) I spend my time with him when I can. When I cannot, when he's in school - I catch up with literature and all the books I missed out on. Not everyone can read as fast as you can. But the books are not enough a distraction. Every book I look at, I keep imagining how you'd react if you know I was reading it, all those happy rants you start. I can't run away from the BAU. I can't ever run from you. 


 Hotch

 

you: We have a new member in the team. 

you: Stephen Walker's good at profiling, I doubt he'd have any problem adjusting to being the part of the BAU. Yet I'm having difficulties accepting him. (I don't show it, I know it's important to be professional.)

you: It isn't even his fault. It's mine. His existence reminds me that you are not here. Emily taking over your Unit Chief status and your office was one thing. Now your place in the BAU that's been occupied by you for twenty years now, is gone. Why does it feel like you can't come back anymore? 

you: I know it may seem absurd, but I can't help but think illogically, that you'd never return. That thought pains me so much. 

you: We've had a lot of new people coming to the team in the past few years, I think. Emily came back, Luke joined, Tara, and also Stephen. That's a lot of new beginnings, but...

you: You know that I hate endings. I miss you.  


Hotch

 

you: My mother's dementia is getting worse. I had to bring her out and home with me. This is all so difficult to manage by myself.

you: On bad days, she doesn't even recognize herself. I can feel her slipping away. 

you: If I lose her too, who will I have left? Dad left, Gideon left, Maeve left, you left. She's the last thing I have now. The job would be the only thing I have left. Has the job eaten away at my life too? 

you: I'm in my late thirties now, and what do I have to show for it? History of catching serial killers. I'm afraid this will be all I am. Don't want to be like that. Don't want to end up like Gideon. 

you: My mom's having one of her breaks. Got to go.


Reid

 

you: (unsent) If I could only tell you that I never left you. 

you: (unsent) I trust you, Reid. You won't end up like us. You survived Hankel, you survived Maeve’s death. You’re strong.


Hotch

 

you: Going to be busy for the next few days. 

you: Not that you can contact me or anything, since this number has just become my personal diary, but wanted you to know. 'Just in case' feeling. 


Reid

 

you: (unsent) Be safe.


Hotch

 

you: i love you

you: never stopped

you: could never stop. i w as so upset with you when you lied to me about emily being dead. was upset with everyone. couldnt believe you wouldnt trust me after everything weve been thru. when i told u everything . EVERYTHING

you: and you ran away to middle east and made jj watch me cry. so upset because whenever she went out to call somebody i know she was calling u and asking if she could tell me. and i kno u said no each time. that was. such a betrayal and i just couldnt HANDLE it anymore you acting like i was just . disposable i was so upset you'd just up and leave like my dad like gideon

you: thought it was different what u had between me. we have the same job which means we pretty much have the same life. thought u trusted me. keeping a secret like that was a kick to the gut. couldnt be with u anymore

you: then maeve came across. maeve was brilliant. an incandescent light. she lit my world in a different way u always did. u were like a constant light, like the sun. she was a shooting star. i thought with her i could have moved on from u. even if that dream didnt shatter into million little pieces now im thinkin maybe she and i wouldnt have ever worked out. maybe i could never move on because i never stopped loving you . i love her, and i love u. what was i supposed to do ? then the world made the decision for me and both you and she were gone

you: and now ur REALLY gone . not even around. cant even see you anymore. i feel like i fucked up everything. dont know what to do.

you: dont know. i dont know.  god what am i supposed to do

you: you probably cant read this but i have to say this 

you: i love you. there wasnt a single time since i met u when i didnt. i still remember every little smile you make whenever you saw me blushing. remember how youd look at the floor when you were sneaking a hand to hold mine. could remember the lazy smile you made in the mornings. i just. had to tell you. i love you.


Reid

 

you: (unsent) Spencer? What happened?

you: (unsent) Oh lord.


 [unknown number]

 

you: Call SR.

unknown number: Who is this?

you: Call him. He needs you.

unknown number: All right. 


Reid

 

you: (unsent) I never stopped, either.

you: (unsent) The team's on their way. Hoping this is a trap because that way it'll mean you're still safe.


 [unknown number]

 

unknown number: This is bad. 

unknown number: This is really bad. 

you: You have to sort it by yourself.

unknown number: You didn't even give me a pamphlet on how to do this leader thing.

unknown number: And then this happens.

you: You can do it, blackbird.

unknown number: Blackbird?

you: I find it fitting. Like a crow. Or a raven. I thought although this has low chance of becoming compromised, it would be for the best if we rejected any possibility by simply not referring to each other via our initials.

unknown number: Oh, really. Fine, but I get to choose what your code name is.

you: That seems to be fair. I don't think this is the right time to ask what?

unknown number: Give me a few days. I'll figure it out.

unknown number: Talking with you cleared my head up a bit. I think I know what to do next. Wheels up in 30.

you: Go get them.


Blackbird

 

Blackbird: This is much worse than what we expected. He used a personal passport. Not even in the country.

Blackbird: They're charging him with drug possession and murder

you: S isn't capable of killing. 

Blackbird: You know that's a lie. We're all capable of manslaughter to a certain extent.

you: S wouldn't have done it. 

Blackbird: He was high on mixed cocktail of drugs. He has absolutely no memory of the night. This is S we're talking about. Mr. Know-It-All, Never-Forgets-Anything. 

you: He doesn't know if he did it? No clues whatsoever?

Blackbird: Yes to both. Only upside we have is that there's no murder weapon. God, why is this happening?

Blackbird: Going to do a cognitive interview later, but not sure if I should when he's so shaken up like this. But it's the only time I can be assured we'd get a chance without surveillance, so.

you: It's your call.

you: What does your gut instinct say regarding this case?

Blackbird: S wouldn't have gotten that high consciously. You should have seen him - he is completely disoriented. He was set up. 

you: Thank you for telling me. Let's hope that you're right. 


Blackbird

 

Blackbird: I did something you'd not approve.

you: I trust your judgement.

Blackbird: I had to.

you: I believe you.


Blackbird

 

Blackbird: Turns out the victim holds U.S. citizenship. We're bringing S back. 

Blackbird: He'll still be in police custody, but it's a start. Definitely better than maximum security prison in Mexico.

you: Good luck. 


Blackbird

 

Blackbird: I am so sorry. I am so dead curious and I have to ask.

Blackbird: What are you doing?

you: At this moment, I'm making some eggs. Sunny side up. 

Blackbird: No! I mean, to make a living.

you: Security breach. Can't tell you anything about myself. 

Blackbird: What you're doing now isn't a security breach?

you: Prepaid cell phone. Literally nonexistent spy gear. If he could hack that to find us, he could probably hack into WitSec again. Why bother?

Blackbird: The way you say 'spy gear' makes me sound like I'm 007. 

Blackbird: Oh, James Bond. I decided on your code name. I'm calling you Moneypenny. 

you: What. That doesn't even make contextual sense. It doesn't make sense in any way. 

Blackbird: You chose my code name, I choose yours. Fair deal. 

you: Fine. 

Blackbird: Being my own boss, and more importantly, you not being my boss is awesome. You can't even fire me. This is a good day. I could get used to this power.

you: Why did I ever bring you back?

Blackbird: Cuz' I'm leader material. Now, gotta go solve cases and be a hero. You stay there and do what whatever confidential thing you do, Moneypenny.

you: If I could only turn back time.


 Blackbird

 

Blackbird: Damn it. One time we really need legal expertise, you're in a middle of nowhere doing god knows what.

you: Most people call it reading. 

you: Why do you need my help?

Blackbird: For S.

you: Should I give you some names for S's defense? I still have contacts back in the city.

Blackbird: No, it might draw attention to you. Plus, I know a damn good lawyer in D.C., so I'll contact her. Thanks for offering, anyways.

you: Always.  


Blackbird

 

Blackbird: So, the DA is offering him a deal. 

Blackbird: They want him to plead involuntary manslaughter. 

you: Tell me he hasn't taken it. 

Blackbird: He says he didn't do it.

you: Good. 


Blackbird

 

Blackbird: This is an absolute disaster.

Blackbird: They found the murder weapon. S's fingerprints are all over it. Judge denied him bail because of it.

you: From a prosecutor's point of view, I have to say the case and its evidence seem to be sound. Refuting it would be difficult.

Blackbird: We have to prove that another person was there. There is a third person's DNA, but there are no suspects to match it with, so it could be DNA left over from the last person who stayed there. We can't prove anything without a new suspect. 

you: Hallucinogen sounds very much like someone. Could you locate him?

Blackbird: No. He's off the grid. We have some sources and bits and clips of clues, but that information is strictly confidential. Sorry I can't tell you.

you: Best I don't know. I left everything to you when I turned in my badge and gun, BB. 

Blackbird: They offered him a new deal, you know. Five to ten years. And this time he's less confident. 

you: Murder weapon covered with his prints and no memories? I can't say I blame him. 

Blackbird: I still believe that he didn't do it.

you: So do I. 


Blackbird

 

Blackbird: S is being moved to a correctional facility today. Overcrowding. Garcia went to visit him.

you: How is he?

Blackbird: What do you expect? He's a genius in jail. A very pretty, very intelligent and very innocent genius in jail.

Blackbird: I can see him breaking piece by piece. I'm so scared I won't be able to get him out in time. I'm so afraid when he comes out, the shadows under his eyes would be so dark that he would never be able to find his way back.

Blackbird: God, we need you. 

you: Had to, for J. I'm so sorry. I didn't imagine MS would go this far. Rather thought he'd self-destruct and try to hack in the servers again.

Blackbird: S needs you. 

you: If I could, I'd be on the defense bench before you could blink. You are a good leader, BB. I know I did the right thing passing the medal to you. S agrees.

Blackbird: What? You've talked to S?

Blackbird: Don't tell me you broke the communications rule.

you: Don't be ridiculous. Of course I haven’t. I'm only messaging you because your spyware the pinnacle of national security.

you: His texts are forwarded to me. I don't think he's aware of this fact. I could not set him straight since I had no method of communicating with him.

Blackbird: Does he know about this?

you: No. And you can’t tell him either, because that’d compromise our position.

Blackbird: I know.


Blackbird

 

Blackbird: God.

you: Are you alright?

Blackbird: I don’t think anything has been okay ever since all this shit started going down.

Blackbird: But no, I am not okay. Even more than usual. Reid thinks he killed him.

you: What?

Blackbird: We were trying another cognitive interview, and this time he remembered. He remembered holding the knife in his hands and stabbing the victim repeatedly.

Blackbird: He’s terrified.

you: I don’t doubt it. What do you think?

Blackbird: T.L. thinks it’s fabricated memory. I agree with her.

you: This may be a good thing. He’s starting to remember, even if it is false. If you keep pressing him, he’ll start to remember the actual proceedings.

Blackbird: That’s what I’m going for.

you: Keep me informed.

Blackbird: I will.


Blackbird

 

Blackbird: New development. Someone else might be behind S's incident. A female. 

you: Have any idea on who?

Blackbird: Yeah, S told me when he got his memories back. We're following them down. Thought it'd be the other one though. 

you: Doesn't matter, we knew it'd be a long game. At least when this clears up, S will be exonerated.

Blackbird: Yeah. Can't help but think he'd strike soon, though.

you: Focus on what's important now. You need to get S out of prison first.


Blackbird

 

Blackbird: S is safe and free now. Turns out it is who we thought it was. S's mother got tangled in the proceedings, but we managed to do it without any devastating causalities.

Blackbird: But I'm worried about S. His behavior is so erratic. I have a sinking feeling we weren't fast enough.

you: You did your best. Blame the conspirators, not yourself. It isn't your fault.

Blackbird: Thanks, I needed to hear that.


Blackbird

 

Blackbird: We have a lead for MS. He bit one of the lures we scattered out.

Blackbird: You'll be home before you can blink. 

you: Be safe. 


Hotch

 

you: I don't know what to do. What do you do when you lose your best asset? What makes you useful to the team?

you: We don't have Emily. We don't have you. I don't know what I should do. I'm finally out of prison, yet its chains are still binding me. 

you: There is no time to get theatrical. I need to find wherever Scratch took her. She believed in me and got me out of there, and I have to do the same for her. 


Reid

 

you: (unsent) You're still you. If anyone can do it, it would be you. Trust yourself. 


Hotch

 

you: It's done. Finally, it is done.

you: Emily's safe.

you: Scratch's dead. He tried to take Luke with him, but he let him fall. I've never been more satisfied seeing someone absolutely plastered on asphalt.

you: When are you coming back? I miss you. Everyone misses you, of course, but I think no one is feeling like me.

Hotch: I'm coming back to D.C. once the paperwork clears up. In a middle ground where it's less secretive now, so they let me use my phone. All the bureaucratical shinanigans that follows something like this. I hope you'd be able to understand.

you: Oh. They're letting you use your phone now? Did you get my texts?

Hotch: Yes. I got every single one.

Hotch: Spencer, they deactivated my number but they had all the texts to this number routed and passed onto me, in case Lewis tried something. I got all your texts. All of them. 

you: Every single one? From the beginning?

Hotch: I insisted no one else to read them, and they kindly respected my wishes. Knew they were personal - sorry that I had to read them. 

you: Were you the one who informed Emily? Is that why they were able to get there so fast?

Hotch: Yes. 

you: I... I don't know if I should be upset, embarrassed or glad. I think it's a mixture of three. My emotions are still whack.

Hotch: I'm sorry for what happened to you. 

you: Doesn't matter. I'm out. You're coming back. Everything's going to be as it used to be. Although Emily was a damn good leader - I'm not sure the power dynamic would be like when you reclaim your position. 

Hotch: Spencer.

Hotch: Spencer, I'm not coming back to the BAU. I talked with Emily and Dave already. 

you: What? Why not? 

Hotch: That exile was a good chance to think about my future. Where I want to go from now on. Having a lot of time to spend with Jack was something I never had the chance to do until now.

Hotch: Emily is a good leader, the new team functions well. I'm not throwing a wrench in the dynamic. 

Hotch: And I thought about you, Spencer. The conclusion I came to after sitting in the makeshift house the WitSec people managed to secure is that you were the reason why I never felt like I was alone all these years. I love you. 

Hotch: Haley always told me I never did things halfway. That when I fall in love, I can't ever drag myself out of it. What I had with Beth... I loved her, but it was a fleeting thing. I could never move on from you. 

Hotch: If I'm your boss again, we'd have to deal with all the fraternizing rules in the FBI, not to mention the homophobia within law enforcement. At the least, one of us would have to move to a different sector. Or one of us would have to leave the FBI.

Hotch: So, I thought...

you: You'd put aside the job for me?

Hotch: Of course. I'm thinking of practicing law again, spent all that free time looking at legal handbooks. Turns out I'm a tad bit rusted, but with a bit of sharping, I should be good enough to jump back in the field.

Hotch: The monsters we see aren't the only monsters lurking around the shadows in this world. I'd still be fighting monsters, but from a different direction. Perhaps I could never truly quit being a slayer. Not after that job.

you: I have absolutely horrid hours. You sure you want to do this?

Hotch: I want to spend the eternity with you. If horrible hours is what I must endure to be with you, then be it. 

you: This is unfair. You read my texts. You know how I'd respond already.

Hotch: I'd be lying if that isn't making me become far braver than I should be feeling, although I was worried you'd... only said that in a drug-induced haze.

you: It was a pretty nasty hit...

Hotch: Now you're making me nervous by evading the question. 

you: Of course it's yes!

Hotch: Oh.

you: Yes, I was pretty banged up. I have only a blurry memory of actually sending the texts (which is jarring, considering I never forget anything) but I meant every word. I mean every word. 

you: I love you.

Hotch: I should be back in D.C. by Wednesday. How about dinner on Friday night?

you: Wonderful. I'll check it on my calendar. It's a date! :)