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Sonic and Tails Dodge the Draft

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It was raining that day. Tail’s remembered it clear as day. He and his closest friend, Sonic the Hedgehog, were hanging out at Sonic’s house and playing “Sonic Boom XXVII: The Final Galactic Boom of the Century.” It was their thousandth attempt at setting a new record for the speedrun, and Sonic was getting the munchies for a mean slice of cooked bread.

“Tails,” Sonic turned to the yellow fox sitting beside him, “I’m gonna make some cooked bread, do you want some?”

Tails nodded eagerly. Tails really liked cooked bread. In fact, it was his favorite, and only Sonic knew that.

Sonic got up and walked into the kitchen. He popped some bread into the Plasma Bread Cooker 96000, one of this century's finest kitchen appliances; it was able to toast bread with the power of 700000000 watts per second. Delicious. Tails got up and embraced Sonic from behind and watched the bread get completely obliterated in the immense heat of the Plasma Bread Cooker 96000. The device was flawless in every aspect, besides the unfortunate malfunction that causes the bread to not pop up far enough to grab.

“Tails, dear? Get the fork.”

Tails looked up into his big, sapphire orbs and nodded. Sonic had performed this delicate procedure before. Tails unwrapped his arms from Sonic, retrieved the fork, and handed it to him. Sonic took it and plunged it into metal depths of the glutinous machine. But, with a slip of his finger, the fork slipped and touched the inner wall of the toaster, sending 700000000 watts of electricity through his body, especially his right leg. Sonic let out an agonizing scream and fell to the floor. Tails watched in horror as he watched his lover collapse. Who would tuck him into bed, he thought? Tails couldn’t lose Sonic, not yet. Tails kneeled down next to the fried hedgehog and performed mouth-to-mouth CPR. Tails pushed on Sonic’s chest and blew air into his lungs numerous times until the blue boy finally opened his eyes. He reached up and touched Tail’s face.

“Thank you…….. Tails…..” he said weakly. “But….. my leg…. I’ll never be able to run at the speed of sound again….”

Tails looked down at Sonic’s right leg; it was twisted up and looked irreparable.

Tails gasped, “But Sonic! What about the war!?” he openly wept. “We were supposed to go together! I can’t make it without you!”


“You were always the faster, stronger, and smarter one! I won't make it out there without you! I’ll die to an electrical bamboo trap like Knuckles!” Tails was rambling, desperate for a solution.

“Tails! We won’t be separated, I’d rather kill someone than let that happen!” Sonic screeched like a naked chicken getting slapped.

Tails was instantly regrounded, reassured by Sonic’s soothing tenor voice. The blue, and slightly burnt, the hedgehog was right: they were never going to be separated.

* * *

Vietnam: The Second Reckoning didn’t feel real after the electric fork incident, there was also a severe lack of cooked bread from their diet. Toast was not Tails favorite food either anymore. Sonic was also in a lot of pain, and it wasn’t showing any sign of subsiding.

He stopped going out on his morning runs, and started watching an obsessive amount of “Honey, I Think You’re a Fancy Attack Roomba.” In short, his health was declining, but there was still hope so long as Tails stood tail to tail by his side.
Things were finally starting to get better, until Tails received a letter from the American Deployment in Nam Agency. Tails knew exactly what contents lay within the paper folds. He carefully tore open the envelope and pulled out its contents. Tails bit his lip and read over the contents of the letter. He dropped to his knees, in a non-sexual manner, and cried into his white gloves. Tails had been drafted into the war. What would he do? He couldn’t leave Sonic. Not like this. He was weak, and Sonic was even weaker. Tails knew that he would not last long amongst the blasts of AK-47 9000XD Hyper Blasters™.

Tails knew what he had to do.

He cautiously stepped inside the room Sonic was in, letter firmly clutched in his hands. Tails is greeted by the sight of Sonic absentmindedly staring at the season finale of “Honey, I Think You’re a Fancy Attack Roomba,” where B2 and S9 were about to propose to each other, at the same time, it was a moment that was heavily referenced in pop culture extensively.

Tails sat next down to Sonic and watched the program. Tails was not able to concentrate on the show though, he was preoccupied with the thoughts racing through his head. As the credits came to an end, Sonic still continued to stare at the fluorescent Plasma TV screen as if the show never ended. Tails looked at Sonic with passion and grief, he didn’t want to do this but he had no other choice.

After a moment of hesitation, Tails charged up his laser eyes, which he required when one of the chaos crystal missions have gone horribly wrong back in his youth, and aimed them at sonic. The red lines pierced through his skull faster than the MiG-7000 Fighter Jet, killing him instantly. The heat from the lasers set the couch they were lounging on ablaze.

Tails would have never guessed that this was how the war would kill them. As the flames slowly consumed the house, Tails got up and went into the kitchen. He popped in one final piece of bread into the Plasma Bread Cooker 96000, the bread was cooked instantly and popped out fully. Tails savored the toast for it would be his last as the flames finally engulfed the rest of Sonic’s house, and the two star-crossed lovers with it.