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nights and goodbyes

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Goodbyes suck, the college sucks, the distance and the adulthood sucks. Kenma sucks according to his own intrusive thoughts. Kenma screams into a pillow, pretty sure he sucks at all of the above.

“Maybe I can suffocate myself and get it over with,” he whispers at his own disrespectful words. He turns on his back, pillow laying on top of him. The ceiling is full of stickers of stars and planets they put there on their first sleepover. Blue and purple, dark and light. Kenma switches on the lamp, illuminating the ceiling to create the night skies. He frowns. Lights stopped working a lifetime ago.

This sucks so badly. Kenma gets up and stares into the night. The weekend is ending, and Kuroo must be close to the train station and with that, close to the campus. Kenma hates college. It took Kuroo away from him. It always kidnaps him after impossibly short weekends. He shivers at the memory of unfinished goodbyes, that´s why they suck. Kenma doesn´t know how to say farewell and Kuroo might not know either.

Their hug is too short, a kiss is too quick, and words are too silent, overly small. It´s not because they don´t want to.

It hurts. It pains Kenma so much he can´t hold onto him for very long. Kenma sits straight and glares at the freaking, beautiful and damned nightfall. He runs into its arms texting Kuroo.

 

 

Kuroo sees the alarming text. “Don´t go yet.” He is about 15 minutes away from the train station, an hourly distance from Kenma´s household. Kuroo inhales, eyes widened through the darkness. That crazy kitten is coming towards him and all alone. Kuroo follows the path back to Kenma´s house, Kuroo´s home.

Cold flows around him intending to capture him with its claws, to get under his skin. Kuroo ignores it as he breathes out the white cloud, corrects his shawl to be warmer. He speeds up. Cars honk as he approaches the road. The look of furry and hurry scares people around. Sidewalk vanishes, its only Kuroo, and his goal, to reach Kenma before he gets too far.

Kuroo slows down, the shorter figure and blonde hair getting closer. Kenma´s shoulders are slouched, hands are hiding in the pockets. Kuroo is intrigued by the ponytail and unwavering stare. Kenma is determined in a way Kuroo hasn´t seen before.

“Kenma,” he says with the utmost care.

Night looks down on them, concealing them from the outside world.

 

 

Kenma stops right in front of his man, gaze uninterrupted. “I am afraid,” Kenma admits. “I am afraid of losing you. Either to your new life or just some freakish accident or because of new experiences, because of – the distance.” Kenma takes a couple of deep breathes. He´s grateful Kuroo lets him think, and to structure the words correctly. Kuroo deserves everything Kenma brought alongside him.

“Most of all, I´m afraid of goodbye and not saying an appropriate goodbye which happens a lot.” Kenma is surprised by his own calmness. This is right, his soul sings. Kenma smiles and Kuroo lets out a tiny, lovely gasp.

“When we say goodbye, I always pull away first. My eye contact is not the best. I'm-I'm running  away because if it would be any longer, any of it, I´d cry and crumble and I hate feeling like that.” Kenma touches Kuroo´s freezing fingers and strokes them gently. “You deserve it. I shouldn´t be afraid of that. I wasn´t before, but it´s all so new, not being together all the time.”

Kenma stumps his foot. Now he´s done.

Kuroo examines him with the most loving face in existence. Kenma expects “I know, I understand, I always knew.” Instead, Kuroo falls on his knee holding Kenma´s hand and his gaze like it´s the only star in the whole universe. “Thank you.”

Kenma´s mouth hangs open. Without realizing it, they both fall to their knees. “Kuro-“

Kuroo kisses him, moves his mouth closer to his ear. “Marry me, Kenma. Not now, of course, only if you want to, but one day. Marry me. I don´t care about the length of a goodbye. I care about you and what´s in here.” Kuroo puts a palm on Kenma´s shoulder. “I love you. I always did and I forever will.”

Kenma sighs. “You cheesy idiot.”

“Your cheesy idiot,” Kuroo grins.

“Okay.” Kenma knows there is no other option for them.

“Okay?” Kuroo´s smile is broad and sweet.

“I'm glad I found you,” Kenma admits quietly.

“I'm glad I found you too.”