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Shenanigans of Camelot

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(Gwaine and Merlin hanging out)

Gwaine : Hey Merlin can I go to the tavern?

Merlin : What did Arthur say?

Gwaine : He said no....

Merlin : Then why are you asking me?

Gwaine : Because he is not the boss of you!

Merlin : (internally) this is a trap, this is a trap, this is a trap, this is a trap.

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Merlin : (Bursts into the room and slams door clearly panicked)

Arthur : Oh God Merlin, what did you do?

Merlin : Nobody died !

Arthur : WHAT KIND OF ANSWER IS THAT ?

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Lancelot : So, how have you been ?

Merlin : Fine. Except for this headache. Comes and goes.

Lancelot : I'm sorry to hear that. Have you gone to Gaius for a remedy ?

Arthur : (Yelling angrily from the other end of the castle) MERLIIIINNN !!!!!

Merlin : Oh look there it is.

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Lancelot : What are the symptoms of teenage depression ?

Leon : Why are you asking me ?

Lancelot : Merlin was doing laundry earlier and he dropped a shirt and I heard him say 'why has god forsaken me?'

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Merlin : (To Gaius) Thanks dad.

Gaius : ......

Merlin : Why is everyone staring at me ?

Gwen : You just called Gaius 'dad'. You said, 'thanks, dad'.

Merlin : What? No I didn't! I said, thanks old man!

Gaius : Do you see me as a father figure Merlin ?

Merlin : No, if anything, I see you as a bother figure because you're always bothering me.

Arthur : Hey !!! Show your father some respect !!!!

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Arthur : Congratulations, you caught me.

Arthur : I have refined tastes, not just anyone will do.

Lancelot : Are you alright, Merlin ? You've gone bright red.

Gwaine : See, you've traumatised our dear Merlin with your weird courting.

Arthur : I have done nothing. Well, not yet.

Merlin : Where's Gwen ? I haven't seen her in a while. We should go find her. Actually, I think I know where she might be. I'll go look.

Gwaine : What's up with him ?

Arthur : I can think of a few things.

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Uther Pendragon : (To Arthur) Son, I received your report on what you wish your 'model wife' to be like.

Uther Pendragon : (Clears throat) My model wife won't care whether I am a Prince, she will insult me and call me idiotic names such as 'clotpole' and 'dollophead', she will wear well worn scarves around her slender pale neck, she will trip over her feet clumsily yet endearingly and she will always serve me breakfast in bed late with half of the food gone.

Uther Pendragon : (Looks at Arthur with raised eyebrows shaking his head slightly) Why don't you just marry Merlin ?

(Merlin starts spluttering and Arthur looks taken aback while Morgana and Gwen chuckle knowingly)

Arthur : Because our kids would look like horses !!!

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Arthur : Punch me in the face !!!

Merlin : Punch you ?

Arthur : Yes, punch me. In the face. Didn't you hear me ?

Merlin : I always hear "PUNCH ME IN THE FACE!" when you're speaking but it's usually subtext.

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(Arthur and Merlin watching the kids in Camelot playing)

Arthur : Look at them. They're having so much fun. They're so happy.

Merlin : Yeah.

Merlin : How long do you think it'll be until they lose the will to live ?

Arthur : I don't remember ever having one.

Merlin : Yeah, those kids are doomed.

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Morgana : Merlin, my old friend.

Merlin : I think you tried to kill me at some point. No scratch that. At several points.

Morgana : That was obviously just my way of getting to know you.

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Gaius : What have I told you about comparing Arthur to the devil ?

Merlin : That it's offensive to the devil.

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Morgana : I don't hate you

Arthur : No ?

Morgana : No, though I did at least imagine twenty different ways to remove your head from your body.

Arthur : Really ? Which one looked best ?

Morgana : A butter knife. Really dull one.

Arthur : No, you wouldn't want it to go quick, would you ?

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Merlin : Alright, give me your hairbrush.

Gwen : What? What are you talking about ?

Merlin : Don't you carry one around with you ?

Gwen : Have you ever met a human woman ?

Merlin, to Morgana : Hey, do you carry a hairbrush around with you ?

Morgana : Of course. I am not an animal.

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Gwaine : Bottom line, are you in or are you out ?

Arthur : Well then, I'm out !!!

Gwaine : Actually you're already in.

Arthur : Then why would you ask me ?

Gwaine : Because I thought you would say 'I'm in, Gwaine!' and we would have had a really cool moment, but you kinda ruined the whole thing.

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(After interrogating a suspect)

Arthur : ( To Gwaine) Take care of him.

( Gwaine punches the suspect in the face )

Arthur : What the hell did you do that for ?

Gwaine : You said 'Take care of him'.

Arthur : I meant, cut him loose !!!

Gwaine : Oh shit !!!

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Morgana : In my spare time, I like writing obituaries.

Arthur : Excuse me ?

Morgana : Obituaries for you guys.

Gwen : Your hobby is imagining what you're going to write when we die ?

Morgana : You guys don't do this ?

Arthur and Gwen : NOOOO !!!!

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Merlin : I have made a list of all the murders that have gone down in Camelot since five years ago to see if there was a pattern. That lead me to this.

(Merlin gestures to a map of Camelot completely covered in red dots)

Merlin : There is so much crime in Camelot. No one should live here.

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Uther Pendragon : For years, I've done my best to raise both of you.

Uther Pendragon : Have I been perfect ? No. Do I know anything about children ? No. Should I have picked up a book on parenting ? Probably.

Gaius : .....

Arthur : ......

Morgana : ......

Uther Pendragon : Where was I going with this ? I had a point.

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Arthur : Why didn't you tell me ?

Merlin : Because of your tendency to overreact.

Arthur : (Stabbing the table with a knife in a fit of anger) I DO NOT OVERREACT !!!

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Mordred : Hey Merlin, could you make me a pie ?

Merlin : I'm not making pie, sorry Mordred.

Mordred : Why ?

Merlin : Because .... Because I'm not your bitch !!!

Leon and Lancelot : MERLIN !!!!

Merlin : Hey sorry, I was under pressure okay ?

Mordred : What's a bitch ?

Gwaine : This is the greatest moment of my life.

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Merlin : ( praying ) I need someone to be my friend, someone who won't run away from me.

Merlin : Maybe send me an angel ! The nicest angel you have -

Gwaine, emerging from the flames : ( Maniacal laughter )

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Arthur : Hands were made for making fists !!!

Merlin : No hands were made for holding.

Arthur : ...... For holding ?

Merlin : For holding.

Arthur : ...........

Arthur : ...........

Arthur : ....... For holding weapons !!!!

Gwaine : YEAH !!!!

Merlin : NO !!!!

Leon : MAYBE.

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( Covers Merlin's eyes)

Arthur : Guess who ? He's gorgeous and adorable.

Arthur : And he's gonna get really mad if you get it wrong.

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"There are approximately 1,013,913 words in the English language but I could never string any of them together to explain how much I want to hit you with a chair."

Merlin and Morgana to Uther and Arthur Pendragon

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Gwaine : Got a hot date ?

Merlin : No, but the man I'm dating does.

Arthur : ( makes offended sounds )

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Merlin : Ah Arthur !!!

Merlin : Just put it in already , dammit - Yes like that. Only have it go deeper.

Arthur : ( already aroused by Merlin's mere presence )How the hell do you manage to make even adding ingredients to a potion sound sexual ?

Merlin : (smirks cheekily ) It is a special talent of mine.

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( After fighting the bandits )

Gwen : ( Patting Arthur and Merlin on the back ) Good job gays !

Merlin : .......

Arthur : ( Nervous laughter ) Did you mean to say gu -

Gwen : Did I fucking stutter ?

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Mithian : Are you two married ?

Merlin : No, we're en - gay - ged.

Arthur : Can I get an early divorce ?

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Arthur : Merlin thinks he's so wonderful with his stupid scarves and his stupid beautiful blue eyes and his stupid face and I hate him so much. I wanted red curtains and he got maroon instead.

The whole of Camelot : You two have been married for thirteen years, why are you this way ?

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Arthur : You drunken fool, Gwaine !!!! If the bandits catch us all, we'll be dead !!!

Gwaine : Me ? Arthur, you're the one who tripped into me because you kept staring at Merlin's arse -

Arthur : (blushing a bright Pendragon red) DON'T LISTEN TO HIM MERLIN !!! HE'S DRUNK HE DOESN'T KNOW WHAT HE'S SAYING !!!

Gwaine : Just because I'm dr -

Arthur : SHUT UP GWAINE !!! ELENA CONTROL YOUR BOYFRIEND !!!

Elena and Gwaine both turning red : What ?

Merlin : ( Trying not to laugh ) Is my arse really that nice ?

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Arthur : I don't think that shirt suits you.

Arthur : Or those trousers.

Arthur : Good God, this scarf is just hideous.

Merlin : Arthur, you're stripping me.

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Gwaine : ( Smirking knowingly ) Merlin, you don't have to go burn a hole in the back of Arthur Pendragon's skull.

Gwaine : I'm sure if you told him you just wanted to fuck, he'd oblige.

Gwaine : I hear the Prince of Camelot is very gracious, y'know.

Merlin : ( Still staring at a shirtless Arthur fighting one of the knights in the training grounds) I have no idea what you're talking about Gwaine.

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Arthur to Hunith : I'm sorry I took your son's virginity. It won't happen again.

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Arthur : I'm an idiot.

Merlin : .....

Arthur : .....

Merlin : If you're waiting for me to disagree with you then it's going to be a long night.

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Gaius : ( Walks into his seemingly empty chambers, pauses and looks around )

Gaius : Well, I guess the room is empty. What a perfect time to set fire to my desk.

(Merlin, Arthur, Gwen, Gwaine, Lancelot , Percival and Elyan scramble out from under the desk )

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Merlin : Excuse me, but who are you ?

Arthur : I'm Arthur Pendragon, your future husband.

Gwaine : ( Turns towards Lancelot, Leon and Gwen ) Can we panic now ?

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Percival : I can't believe we are locked together in this room.

Gwaine : ( While throwing the key out of the window ) Truly unfortunate.

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Merlin : That's my way of doing things. When life gives me pain, I take the pain and push it down. And if that pain starts to come up again, I push more pain on top of it. Why confront something when you can avoid it right ?

Gwen : ..... Merlin do you need a hug ?

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Arthur : Good Morning

Gwen : Good Morning

Lancelot : Good Morning

Merlin : You all sound eerily same, 'Good Morning', 'Good Morning'. Spice it up a little bit. Like ' let's have you lazy daisy !!!!'

Gwaine : MORNING MOTHERFUCKERS !!!!

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"Okay, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional?" wasn't the best drunk idea we've ever had. Arthur's been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out."

- Merlin

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Gwaine : ( About Arthur ) Can't I just stab him ?

Merlin : Not in public.

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Merlin : What if I told you I knew where Morgana was right now ?

Arthur : I'd say let's get the bitch.

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Merlin : I told you to stay out of it !!!

Arthur : Because I am the Prince and you are my manservant, nothing more.

Merlin : Right.

Arthur : Well, I thought long and hard about that, Merlin, and after many, many, many, hours I've come to the most wretched of realizations. One that might curdle your very blood.

Merlin : .......

Arthur : You are my friend.

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( Merlin petting a unicorn on the head )

Arthur : I wanna ride that.

Leon : I thought you said you didn't like unicorns.

Arthur : I wasn't talking about the unicorn.

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Merlin : I need to get something off my chest.

Gwaine : Is it your shirt ? Please say it's your shirt.

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Arthur : Admit it Merlin. You've fallen for me.

Merlin : I didn't fall for you Arthur. You fucking tripped me.

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Uther Pendragon : So I heard Arthur is seeing someone at Camelot.

Gaius : I know.

Uther Pendragon : He never talks about her much. I wonder -

Gaius : Did you say her ?

Uther Pendragon : Yeah. Why ?

Gaius : ( Laughs uncontrollably )

Uther Pendragon : I .... I don't think I've ever heard you laugh Gaius.

Gaius : Well, the fact that you think it's a 'she' , is the funniest thing I've ever heard in my life.

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Gwen : I'm cold.

Lancelot : Here take my jacket, sweetheart.

Arthur : I'm cold.

Merlin : What ? ( Taking off jacket ) I told you to bring more layers but of course you didn't listen and now ( Piling scarves on Arthur ) Now look, I've got to make sure you don't FREEZE TO DEATH SIRE, and ( taking Leon's hat ) How long have you been cold, you should have said something sooner.

Percival : I'm cold.

Gwaine : Well, dammit Percy I don't control the weather. It might help if you wore some sleeves though.

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Arthur : You're such an insufferable idiot !!!

Merlin : At least, I'm not a prissy prat !!!

Arthur : WHAT DID YOU -

Uther Pendragon, walking by : ( Under his breath ) Oh for the love of Camelot, just kiss already !

Arthur : What, father ?

Uther Pendragon : What ?

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Young Arthur : Father ! Merlin is the worst manservant ever and that's so unfair and I hate him with his stupid face and his stupid eyes and the way he smiles at me so perfectly !!!

Uther Pendragon : ( To Gaius ) I'm sure he'll grow out of this

5 Years Later

Arthur : FATHER I WANT TO CHANGE THE COLOR SCHEME OF THE BEDROOM BUT OH NO MERLIN WON'T LET ME AND THAT'S NOT FAIR BECAUSE I AM HIS HUSBAND AND I HAVE RIGHTS AND I HATE HIM WITH HIS STUPID FACE AND HIS STUPID EYES AND HIS STUPID PERFECT SMILE !!!

Uther Pendragon : ( Sobs into Gaius' lap )

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Arthur : Father, that stupid Merlin keeps teasing me that I am gay.

Uther Pendragon : Then off with his head !!!

Arthur : .......

Arthur : .......

Arthur : But he is so freaking cute !!!!

Uther Pendragon : ......

Arthur : I shall ask him on a date. ( Sighs dreamily )

Uther Pendragon : ......

Arthur : And father, right after that, I shall kiss him. I shall make fun of him, of course.

Uther Pendragon : ( Faints )

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Arthur : ( Leaning towards Merlin who is polishing his armor ) Hey Merlin, nice fingers.

Merlin : Um, thanks ?

Arthur : You know, they'd look even better wrapped around my -

Lancelot : THEY'D ALSO LOOK BETTER WRAPPED AROUND THE BOOK OF THE LORD, AMEN !!!

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All : Last Friday Night

Elyan: Yeah we jumped on table tops

Merlin : And we drank too much of wine

Arthur: Think we kissed but I forgot

All: Last Friday Night

Morgana : Yeah Uther married a troll

Gwaine : And we got kicked out of the tavern

Merlin: So we hit the dungeons

All: Last Friday Night

Gwen :Yeah Leon got dressed up like a lady

Lancelot : Then we went swimming in the lake

Leon : And Camelot got attacked

All : Last Friday Night

Percival : Yeah I think magic was used

Merlin : Always say we're going to stop

All : This Friday Night

Gaius and Uther Pendragon : YOU'RE NOT DOING IT AGAIN !!!

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Arthur : Merlin, your last name doesn't fit you. You should change it.

Merlin : Oh really ? And do you have any bright ideas, dollophead ?

Arthur : Pendragon ( Walks Away )

Merlin : Wait - what ? Did - did you just propose to me ?

Merlin : ARTHUR GET BACK HERE RIGHT NOW !!!

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Leon : In school, I was voted 'Most Appropriate'.

Gwaine : Ooohh Self Burn !!! Those are rare !!!

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Gwaine : I just want someone to take me out

Percival : Like on a date or with a punch ?

Gwaine : Surprise me.

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Morgana : Sticks and stones, Arthur.

Arthur : Describing your breakfast ?

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Percival : You want me to flex and make all the buttons pop off my shirt ?

Gwaine : Yes! You can do that ?

Percival : The challenge is keeping the buttons on.

Gwaine : (Sweating, thinking about Percival's chest ) Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.

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"Look I've known Merlin forever. Our friendship is little boy holding little boy's hand."

- Will to Arthur.

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Young Arthur : ( When getting the talk from Gaius ) How does um - uh - ovulation or - um - pregnancy occur ?

Gaius : Well, the man's got the sperm and the woman's got the egg. Now once a month the egg slides down the Phillipine tube towards the uterus.

Gaius : The first sperm to reach the egg wins.

Gaius : It gets a medal, it's born, you name him Arthur, you push him out the door and nothing makes sense for the rest of his life.

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( A day after Arthur and Merlin breaks up )

Mordred : Hey Merlin, could I borrow your quill ?

( Gwaine, Lancelot and Leon appear out of nowhere unsheathing their swords and shielding Merlin from Mordred )

Leon : THEY'RE NOT DIVORCED, MORDRED !!! IT'S JUST A TRIAL SEPARATION !!!

Gwaine : AND DON'T THINK, DON'T THINK I DON'T KNOW WHAT 'BORROW A QUILL' MEANS, OKAY?

Lancelot : EXACTLY !!! NOBODY, NOBODY HAS BORROWED MORE QUILLS THAN GWAINE !!!

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Merlin : Arthur, what I'm about to tell you is going to make you want to kill me.

Arthur : I''m not going to kill you Merlin. It takes too much time to break in a new manservant into a new best friend.

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( Gwaine watching Arthur and Merlin kiss from top of the tree and Merlin and Arthur finally noticing Gwaine on top of the tree )

Merlin : ( Annoyed )How long have you been on top of the tree ?

Gwaine : Long enough to watch you swap spit with a Pendragon !!!

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Lancelot : How do ask a girl out ?

Gwaine : Simple. You open the door and say 'Get out, you're bothering me'.

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Morgana : ( Wears dark black )

Merlin: I see you are breaking out the spring colors.

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Arthur : Who's turn is it to give the pep talk ?

Leon and Lancelot : ( Sighs ) Gwaine's

Gwaine : Fuck shit up out there and don't die.

Elyan : (Stands up and starts clapping )

Percival : ( Wipes away a tear ) Beautiful.

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Arthur : You're the worst manservant in Camelot, Merlin !!! You do nothing all day !!!

Gwen : He converts oxygen into carbon dioxide.

Lancelot : He regenerates cells.

Leon : He transmits nerve cells to his brain.

Gwaine : He digests food.

Merlin : How is that nothing ?

Arthur : ........

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"I'm not going to stand here and listen to you accuse me of things I clearly did."

- Gwaine to Arthur, Leon, Lancelot, Gaius and every tavern owner at some point of his life.

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Gwen : I made this friendship bracelet for you.

Arthur : You know I'm not really a jewellery person.

Gwen : Oh, you don't have to wear it.

Arthur : No I'm going to wear it forever. Back off.

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Arthur : ( Yawns )

Merlin : ( Trying to flirt ) I suppose being so pretty must be tiring.

Arthur : Then you must be exhausted.

Merlin : ( Blushes )

Arthur : ( Grins )

Leon : Oh really guys ? Really ? RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY SALAD ?

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Morgana : You hate to be wrong !

Arthur : I wouldn't know. I'm not familiar with the sensation.

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Arthur : Hey did it hurt ?

Merlin : What ?

Arthur : When you fell from heaven ?

Merlin : Did you just call me Satan ?

Arthur : .........

Gwaine : oH ShITs aBOut To Go DoWN

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Arthur : I like your pants

Merlin : Thanks. They were 50% off.

Arthur : Well I'd like them a 100% off.

Merlin : What kind of market just gives stuff away ?

Arthur : No, that's not what I -

Merlin : That's no way to run a business, Arthur.

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Gwaine : Who the fuck -

Merlin : Language !

Gwaine : Whom the fuck -

Merlin : NO !!!

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"You're either on my side, by my side or in my fucking way. Choose wisely."

- Morgana to Merlin.

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Lancelot : ( To Merlin ) I can't lie to Arthur.

Merlin : Alright, I'll do it.

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Percival : Hey where did Arthur and Merlin go ?

Gwen : They're celebrating their anniversary.

Percival : Anniversary of what ?

Gwen : .......

Gwen : .... Of their relationship.

Percival : Haha you make it sound like they are courting.

Gwen : They are .....

Percival : WHAT ? WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN ?

Gwen : HOW THE HELL DID YOU NOT KNOW, THEY'VE BEEN COURTING FOR A WHOLE YEAR !!!

Percival : .....

Percival : Wait a minute, I've been betting with Gwaine on when they get together.

Percival : THAT IDIOT HAS BEEN CHEATING ME OF MY MONEY !!!!

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( Arthur kisses Merlin on the cheek )

Merlin : Arthur, stop it no one here knows we're dating.

Leon : Yes we do.

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Gwaine : Describe a hot girl

Merlin : Blonde and blue eyed.

Gwaine : I knew there was a reason I kept calling Arthur, 'Princess'.

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Merlin : When have I done anything rash or irresponsible ?

Gaius : I keep a list. It's alphabetized.

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Arthur : Do you even know why I hated you at first ?

Merlin : Because I'm a commoner, your manservant and annoying all the time ?

Arthur : No. Because you made me question everything they ever told me.

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Merlin : Arthur has a crush on me ? The Pendragon Prat ? The most pompous ass to have ever been born in Camelot has a little crush on me ? A common manservant who was born in Ealdor and an all powerful warlock and dragonlord who possesses magic ? Oh how the mighty have fallen -

Arthur : Merlin , we've been married for almost 45 years. We have three kids and several grandchildren so can you please stop this ?

Merlin : Haha I know but I still cannot believe ....

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Merlin and Arthur : ( Argues all day )

Merlin and Arthur : ( Has loud sex all night )

Merlin and Arthur : ( Sleeps all morni -

Leon and Lancelot : ( Banging pots and pans together ) WE DIDN'T GET NO SLEEP BECAUSE OF Y'ALL !!! THE WHOLE KINGDOM DIDN'T GET NO SLEEP BECAUSE OF YA'LL !!! THE FIVE KINGDOMS DIDN'T GET NO SLEEP BECAUSE OF YA'LL !!! THE DEAD DIDN'T GET NO SLEEP BECAUSE OF YA'LL !!! AND NOW YA'LL AIN'T GONNA GET NO SLEEP BECAUSE OF US !!!

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Arthur : You look nice, I want to kiss you.

Merlin : What ?

Arthur : I SAID IF YOU DIED I WOULDN'T MISS YOU !!!

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Lancelot : Gwaine, you think every round fruit is an apple.

Gwaine : No I don't.

Lancelot : ( Holding up cherries ) What are these ?

Gwaine : Tiny apples

Lancelot : ( Points to the pumpkins ) And what are those ?

Gwaine : Halloween apples.

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Merlin : Are saying you like me or not ?

Arthur : Are you saying you like ME or not ?

Merlin : I'm saying I like you !

Arthur : Well, then I'm saying I like YOU !!!

Merlin : Fine !

Arthur : Fine !

Merlin : Then I guess we're courting.

Arthur : FINE !

Merlin : FINE !

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Kilgarrah : Young warlock, what are you doing now ?

Merlin : Having my day ruined by whatever cryptic riddle you're about to tell me.

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Arthur : I hate you so much I could rip your clothes off.

Merlin : I hate you so much I could snog you for days.

Arthur : I hate you so much I could shag you right here, right now.

Merlin : I dare you, Arthur Pendragon.

Arthur : Try me, Merlin.

Leon : ( Sitting in between Merlin and Arthur with his face buried in his hands ) I need to find a new job immediately.

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Merlin : ( Kisses Arthur's cheek )

Arthur : What the hell was that ?

Merlin : Affection.

Arthur : Disgusting.

Merlin : .........

Arthur : .........

Arthur : Do it again.

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Arthur : Father, how did you know I fancied Merlin ?

Uther Pendragon : You had that look of adoration on your face when you stared at him, one that you often wear when you look at yourself in the mirror.

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Gwen : ( Sitting on Lancelot's lap )

Merlin : ......

Merlin : ( Looking at Arthur ) Why don't we do stuff like that ?

Arthur : ( Pulling Merlin onto his lap ) Happy ?

( A few minutes later )

Merlin : Do you seriously have a boner right now ?

Arthur : You wanted this.

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Arthur : ( Sits next to Gaius and sighs deeply )

Gaius : ( Looking up, annoyed ) What is it Sire?

Arthur : Gaius, do you think Merlin likes me ?

Gaius : You've literally been married for the past seven years !!!

Arthur : Yeah but do you think ......

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( Merlin and Arthur in a fight )

Merlin : GO FUCK YOURSELF !!!

Arthur : I'D RATHER FUCK YOU PLEASE !!!

Merlin : ( Confused ) Wh - what ?

Lancelot : ( From the other end of the table, sipping tea ) HE SAID HE'D RATHER FUCK YOU.

Leon : ( From the other side of the room ) AND HE SAID PLEASE TOO.

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Arthur : So father and me -

Merlin : Whoa, whoa, whoa , didn't you mean ' father and I ' ?

Arthur : Oh God.

Merlin : I corrected your grammar ! Are you proud of me ? Are you horrified ? Are you super horny ?

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Arthur : Don't you realize none of this would have happened if I didn't think at that same moment you were having sex with Gwaine ?

Merlin : All right. Let's say I had slept with Gwaine. Would you have been able to forgive me ?

Arthur : ( Pause ) Yes, I would.

Merlin : You would be okay if you knew Gwaine had kissed me, and had been naked with me, and made love to me ?

Arthur : ( Uncertain ) Yes.

Merlin : If you knew that our hot, sweaty, writhing bodies were -

Arthur : ( Covers his ears and screams ) La la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la

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Arthur : Father, I have something to tell you.

Uther Pendragon : What is it ?

Arthur : Well you see, Merlin -

Uther Pendragon : ( High Pitched Shriek ) NOT AGAIN !!!!

Uther Pendragon : One meal without talking about Merlin, ONE, that's all I'm asking Arthur my dear son, how the hell did I raise you into this ?

Uther Pendragon : All you can ever talk about is Merlin, nothing but Merlin seriously WHY ?

Uther Pendragon : Merlin, Merlin, Merlin, Merlin, Merlin, Merlin.

Uther Pendragon : Why don't you just fucking marry him ?

Arthur : ..................

Morgana : .................

Merlin : You all realize I'm in the room right ?

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Merlin : Hey, you know what ? I'm happy.

Lancelot : That's wonderful Mer -

Arthur : Good, because I worked pretty damn hard last night to put that smile on your face.

Merlin : Shut up clotpole.

Lancelot : ( Throws his hands up in the air ) Just one normal morning. That's all I ask.

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Merlin : I suppose I'm not that cute -

Arthur : Let me stop you right there.

Arthur : ( Takes out a 476892 page essay ) Now let me explain to you why your theory is so incredibly wrong.

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"I've only had Merlin for a day but if anything happens to him, I will kill everyone in this room and then myself."

- Gwaine in his first meeting with Merlin.

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Merlin : Rise and Shine, lazy daisy !!!

Arthur : ( Groaning with a hangover ) Wwwhhhhyyyyyy ????

Merlin : Shush you. After what I had to deal with last night, the least you can do is get your prattish arse up.

Arthur : ( Mumbling into a pillow ) Do I want to know ?

Merlin : After I cleaned the pork pie off your face and put you to bed, you said something to me that was pretty dark ..... even for you ......

Arthur : Mmmm. Don't tell me.

Merlin : Okay I won't. ( Pause ) I love you too.

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Arthur : What are you bringing for Christmas dinner ?

Morgana : My negative attitude and sparkling personality.

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Arthur : What would you do if I got you into my bed ? ( winks at Merlin )

Merlin : Is it comfortable ?

Arthur : Well, yes.

Merlin : I'd sleep.

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Uther Pendragon : What do you call murder, vandalism and sabotage ?

Morgana : Hobbies.

Uther Pendragon : .......

Morgana Pendragon : ....... That I do not engage in.

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Mordred : If a game doesn't have rules, it's not a game is it ?

Arthur : No, it's politics.

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Gaius : I mean, small animals are way more vicious. It's because their anger has less space to be bottled up in.

Uther Pendragon : That's ridiculous. Give me one example of this.

Leon : Wasps.

Morgana : Spiders.

Gwen : Chihuahuas.

Arthur : Merlin.

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Gwaine : What we need is diversion .... I say Merlin gets naked.

Merlin and Arthur : No !!!

Gwaine : I could get naked.

All the Knights of Camelot : NOOOO !!!!

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Gwaine : I have a plan

Mordred : Is it a good one ?

Gwaine : I have a plan

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Gwaine : I never know what to say to people at funerals.

Merlin : Just say I'm sorry for your loss and move on.

( Five minutes later )

Gwaine : I'm sorry for your loss. Move on.

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Merlin : Why don't you just go fuck yourself Arthur ?

( Gasps fill the room )

Gwaine : Woah !!! Can't believe what I just heard !!! Hey, Merlin, here. This is for you ( Hands a jar of wine and a plate full of food and money ) I got respect for this kid. He's got a lot of fucking balls. Good for you ! Don't take no shit off anybody !!!

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Merlin : ( Eating something unhealthy )

Lancelot : They say you're what you eat.

Merlin : I don't remember eating a worthless failure.

Leon : It was just a joke Merlin .....

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Merlin : Am I in trouble ?

Gaius : Have a guess.

Merlin : No ?

Gaius : Have another guess.

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Morgana : You're in the way.

Merlin : I am the way.

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Arthur : That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard !

Merlin : Why don't you just shut up for a second !

Gaius : What is going on here ?

Merlin : He's a jerk ! He is being such a jerk ! That's such an awful thing to say to a human being !

Arthur : Are you crying ?

Merlin : I AM NOT CRYING, OK? I'M JUST ALLERGIC TO JERKS !!!

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Arthur : I need an adult

Gwaine : I'm an adult.

Arthur : No you're not.

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Gwaine : I think I'm going to kill myself.

Merlin : I'll only allow it if you kill me first.

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Merlin : You're an awful person.

Arthur : Maybe, but I'm rich and pretty so it doesn't really matter.

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Arthur : What happened ?

Merlin : All I heard was, 'I swear it'll be funny' and then we were in the dungeons.

Gwaine : ( Laughing in the background )

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" What are you going to do, stab me ?"

- Arthur Pendragon to Morgana Pendragon, shortly before getting stabbed.

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( Something blows up )

Mordred : Morgana what did you do ?

Morgana : My best.

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Merlin with a tired Arthur laying on him : Aww Arthur, you're so cute.

Arthur, mumbling sleepily : I could beat the shit out of you.

Merlin, lovingly : I know.

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Merlin : Well, I did warn you.

Arthur : Yeah.

Merlin : But did you listen ?

Arthur : No.

Merlin : Are you listening now ?

Arthur : No.

Merlin : Are you staring at my arse ?

Arthur : N - yes.

Merlin : ..........

Arthur : ...........

Merlin : ........

Arthur : It's a nice arse.

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Merlin : Arthur, you've got that face again.

Arthur : What face ?

Merlin : The ' He's hot when he's clever face '

Arthur : This is my normal face.

Merlin : Yes it is.

Arthur : Oh, shut up.

Merlin : Not a chance.

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Merlin : Hi, I'm Merlin. And you?

Arthur : Not as straight as I thought, apparently.

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Merlin : Goes home for a holiday as the same old Merlin, awkward, gangly, lanky and wearing his weird scarves.

( Merlin comes back to Camelot after the holiday )

Arthur : Hello Mer - ( Gasps and heart does flips )

Merlin : Hey Arthur ( Had a growth spurt and is no longer awkward tall but the hot type of tall, his dark hair has grown longer and he has developed a deep, raspy voice and sexy biceps out of nowhere )

Arthur : ( Runs to his chambers to check his hair )

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Will : So which one of you wears the pants in this relationship ?

Arthur : On a good day, neither of us.

Merlin : ( High fives Arthur )

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Merlin and Arthur : Kiss Finally

The Knights of Camelot : Screams of Victory

Kilgarrah : Wipes away a victory tear.

Gwen and Morgana : Smiles that 'I knew it' smile

Uther and Gaius : Lowkey ships it

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Arthur : Come on Leon, I didn't drink that much last night.

Leon : You were flirting with Merlin.

Arthur : So what ? He's my boyfriend.

Leon : You asked him if he was single.

Leon : And cried when he said he wasn't.

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Uther, Gaius, Lancelot, Leon, Gwaine and Gwen bursts into Arthur's chambers : YOU TWO ARE HAVING SEX !!!

Merlin : ( Folding Arthur's clothes )

Arthur : ( Reading a council report )

Merlin : ................

Arthur : ( Looks at Merlin ) Merlin ? Really ? Why didn't you tell me, I would have put my report down.

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Arthur : Sure is dark in here.

Merlin : ...............

Arthur : I'm not scared or anything. I'm a Pendragon. Pendragons fear nothing.

Merlin : ................

Arthur : I mean, who's scared of the dark these days ? Not me. Not Arthur Pendragon. No, sir.

Merlin : Do you want me to hold your hand ?

Arthur : .............

Arthur : Yes please.

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Morgana, Merlin and Gwen founding 'Camelot's Society for Maidens and Men with Gorgeous Hair and Stunning Faces' club for the sole purpose of not inviting Arthur Pendragon, Uther Pendragon and Gwaine.

Arthur and Gwaine would be so annoyed complaining to each other and everyone including Leon and Lancelot and they would discover that Leon and Lancelot are honorary members of the club and get more pissed off.

Arthur finding out that Merlin has been voted ' the most handsome and gorgeous man in all aspects of beauty to walk the grounds of Camelot' and getting pissed off and snogging the daylights out of Merlin jealous at the thought of anyone else thinking that Merlin is handsome.

Morgana, Merlin and Gwen huddling together and whispering secrets and stopping whenever Arthur, Gwaine or Uther came along just to annoy them.

Uther asking Morgana why he isn't in the club as he is the King of Camelot and Morgana replies sweetly by saying that no man who is almost bald or has married a troll is eligible for a membership in the iconic society.

Uther getting pissed off with the answer and goes to rant to Gaius and finds out that Gaius has been invited to join the club as well.

Uther banning the 'Camelot's Society for Maidens and Men with Gorgeous Hair and Stunning Faces' club with Arthur's and Gwaine's support but somehow the club continues to grow to their annoyance.

Merlin, Morgana and Gwen having the time of their lives making fun of Arthur, Uther and Gwaine whenever they say something pompous and arrogant.

Scenario 1:

Uther : Magic is evil !!!

Morgana : Not as evil as the balding spot on your head, Uther. No wonder Camelot's Society for Maidens and Men with Gorgeous Hair and Stunning Faces didn't invite you to join.

Scenario 2 :

Arthur : Merlin, you are the laziest and stupidest manservant ever !!!

Merlin : Well, I'm the manservant who was voted 'the most handsome and gorgeous man in all aspects of beauty to walk the grounds of Camelot' by the Camelot's Society for Maidens and Men with Gorgeous Hair and Stunning Faces over his master.

Merlin : Oh wait, you weren't voted for because you aren't in the club !!! Hahaha, you, The Crown Prince of Camelot, Arthur Pendragon wasn't even invited to join !!!!

Scenario 3 :

Gwaine : Hey there Gwen, let me help you with that laundry. It must be heavy.

Gwen : Not as heavy as your heart when you realized that you aren't beautiful enough to be included in the Camelot's Society for Maidens and Men with Gorgeous Hair and Stunning Faces.

Basically all three of them trolling Arthur and Uther Pendragon and Gwaine and finally despite of Uther's greatest efforts to stop the society, the society becomes an elite society for young men and women with amazing beauty all over the five kingdoms.

Princess Elena, Princess Mithian, Gilli, Hunith, and even Princess Vivian joins in but Morgana, Merlin and Gwen makes it their life objective to never let Arthur Pendragon, Uther Pendragon and Gwaine Pendragon join the elite and iconic society.

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Merlin : ( Bending over to pick something off the ground )

Arthur : Please fuck me.

Merlin : What ?

Arthur : I SAID PLEASE FUCK ME, OKAY ? LIKE, RIGHT NOW BECAUSE I CAN'T FUCKING GO ON BEING A BORING, STRAIGHT BOY ANYMORE, AND I WANT YOUR COCK -

Merlin : ( Blushing furiously ) Okay! Okay ! Just please stop talking Arthur. We're in middle of a banquet.

Morgana : Oh no, do carry on. You've just won me so much of money from Uther.

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Gwaine : ( Unbuttoning shirt ) Damn it's hot here.

Percival : I know that but why are you unbuttoning my shirt?

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Arthur : Merlin I need the -

Merlin : ( Hands over the finished written speech )

Arthur : Oh also I didn't have the chance to -

Merlin : ( Hands Arthur the council reports )

Arthur : Marry me?

Merlin : I took care of that too. We've been married for the last seven years.

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Arthur : Leon, I have a crush. On Merlin.

Leon : Same.

Arthur : ..........

Arthur : What?

Lancelot : Get with the times, Arthur. Everybody has a crush on Merlin.

Morgana : You're a bit late, Arthur. Were you not here for the miraculous growth spurt ? Or those biceps ? Damn, those biceps.

Leon : Like, I'm pretty confident in my sexuality, so I can admit I'd tap that, given the inclination.

Gwaine : Oh yeah, that arse is fine.

Arthur : So what? We're all gay for Merlin ?

Gwen : Merlin is his own sexuality. We are all Merlining for Merlin. We are Merliners.

Merlin : I've been told I have a magical magnetism.

Arthur : Well fuck.

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Lancelot : I'm not sure what this sentence means.

Gwaine : "Ignorance is bold and knowledge reserved"

Merlin : You can read Latin ?

Arthur : You can read ?

Gwaine : ............

Gwaine : That's cold Pendragon.

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Gwaine : Merlin, you look good today.

Merlin : Thanks, mate.

Arthur : .........

Gwaine : Arthur, no I didn't -

Arthur : What is that supposed to mean Gwaine? Do you not like how Merlin looked before? Do you like him? Why did you say that? Huh? Huh? HUH?

Gwaine : ............

Merlin : ( Pinches his nose )

Merlin : ( Sigh ) Why can't I have a normal boyfriend ?

Chapter Text

Gwen : Hey guys - why are you standing on chairs? Are you playing a game?

Lancelot : Yeah, we're playing the game ' We saw a big spider and don't know where it went '

Gwen : ( scrambles onto a chair )

Chapter Text

The Physician's Chambers : Patient Log

Name of the Patient : Pendragon, Arthur.
Injuries : Concussion and broken arm.
Cause of injuries : Being pushed into the city fountain.

Name of the Patient : Emrys, Merlin.
Injuries : Strained bicep.
Cause of injuries : Pushing the above patient into the city fountain.

Name of the Patient : Greene, Gwaine.
Injuries : None, complains of a busted gut.
Cause of injuries : Laughter

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Morgana : I had this elaborate plan to psychologically terrify dear Merlin but turns out I don't have to do anything. Poor thing has anxiety, he'll mentally scar himself for me.

Merlin : Okay first of all, how dare you ?

Merlin : Second of all, you lazy sack of shit.

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Sorcerer : We have your son.

Merlin : I don't have a son.

Sorcerer : Then who just asked for chocolate milk and made us cut the crusts off his ham sandwich ?

Merlin : Oh gods !

Sorcerer : What ?

Merlin : You have Gwaine !!!

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Morgana : I could kill you if I wanted to.

Merlin : Yeah? So could any other human being.

Merlin : So could a dog.

Merlin : So could a really DEDICATED DUCK !!!

Merlin : You're not special.

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Gaius : How on earth would you lot explain this kind of crude behavior ?

Merlin : I'm going to have to say verbally.

Arthur : Because judging by that tone of voice -

Gwaine : - You might not be in the mood for the dance performance we've prepared.

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Gwen : You're smiling, did something good happen ?

Morgana : Can't I just smile because I feel like it ?

Merlin : Arthur just tripped and fell down the stairs.

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Uther Pendragon : So what are your interests, Merlin ?

Merlin : Your son in my room.

Uther Pendragon : What?

Merlin : The sun and the moon. Astrology.

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Arthur : YOU'RE LOOKING AT MY MAN ?! WHY ARE YOU LOOKING AT MY MAN ?! I'M GONNA KILL YOU !!!! LANCELOT HAND ME MY SWORD !!! LET ME GO I'LL KILL THIS LITTLE SHIT !!!

Merlin : Arthur, that's a tree.

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Arthur : You lied to me by telling me the truth ?

Morgana : Yes

Arthur : That's very good, may I use that?

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Nimueh : Uther Pendragon, you paid me a great insult once !

Uther Pendragon : That doesn't sound like me.

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Uther Pendragon : Camelot is off limit to sorcerers.

Merlin : I'm terribly sorry. I didn't know.

Merlin : If I see one, I shall inform immediately.

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Mordred : There will come a moment when you have the chance to do the right thing.

Morgana : I love those moments. I like to wave at them as they pass by.

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Kilgarrah : Young warlock, please keep an eye on Arthur. He is going to say something wrong to the wrong person and get himself killed.

Merlin : Sure, I'd love to see Arthur get killed.

Kilgarrah : Try again.

Merlin : I will stop Arthur from getting killed.

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Old lady : Such an attractive couple. How long have you been married ?

Arthur : ( Laughs )

Merlin : ( Nervously chuckles ) No, no we're just friends.

Old lady : Big mistake. ( Nods towards Merlin and smiles at Arthur ) He's a catch.

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Morgana : I grew up with a brother who I love with all my heart. But deep down, I always wanted a sister.

Gwen : Me too.

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Merlin : I'm not looking for trouble

Gwaine : What a horrible way to live.

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Gaius : Where is Arthur ?

Mordred : Doing stuff.

Gaius : I don't like the sound of that. Where's Merlin ?

Mordred : Trying to stop Arthur from doing stuff.

Gaius : Gwaine ?

Mordred : Trying to stop Merlin from stopping Arthur doing stuff.

Gaius : I see. And what are you doing here, Mordred ?

Mordred : I'm supposed to stop you from stopping Gwaine from stopping Merlin from stopping Arthur doing stuff.

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Gwaine : Hey Arthur, want to hear a joke ?

Arthur : Alright, sure.

Gwaine : Okay, so what do you call a deer with no eyes ?

Arthur : Gwaine, I'm not -

Gwaine : COME ONNNN !!!

Arthur : ( Sighs ) What do you call a deer with no eyes ?

Gwaine : NO IDEAR

Arthur : ...........

Leon : Can you two keep it down - wait ARTHUR DON'T BEAT GWAINE WITH THAT BROOMSTICK !!!

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Lancelot : Would you rather be feared or loved ?

Arthur : Obviously loved, then the people would listen without force or intimidation.

Morgana : I would want to be feared ! No one will listen to me otherwise !

Lancelot : What about you Merlin ?

Merlin : ...............

Merlin : ...............

Merlin : I want people to be afraid of how much they love me.

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Merlin : If I run and jump at Lancelot, he will most certainly catch me in his arms!

Merlin, running towards Lancelot : Coming in !!!

Lancelot : NO !!! I'M HOLDING HOT TEA -

Lancelot : (Drops hot tea to catch Merlin in his arms)

Chapter Text

Leon : Gwaine, promise me you won't swear in front of Mordred.

Gwaine : Yeah don't worry

(Gwaine hanging out with Mordred)

Gwaine : Fuck, I dropped the sword

Gwaine : Oh shit, I swore in front of Mordred.

Gwaine : Fuck I did it again

Gwaine : Shit just stop it

Gwaine : Fuck fuck

Gwaine : .............

Mordred : ............

Gwaine : ..............

Mordred : ..........

Gwaine : You are never talking about this with Leon.

Chapter Text

Gwen : Synonyms are weird because if you invite someone to your cottage in the forest, that just sounds nice and cozy but if I invite you into my cabin in the woods, you're going to die.

Gwaine : My favorite is booty call.

Arthur : That's called a connotation.

Merlin : ( smirking, casting a pointed look towards Arthur ) "Also forgive me father, I have sinned" vs " sorry daddy, I've been naughty."

Arthur : (Choking) Great news! Language is cancelled !!!

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Lancelot : ( Talking about Gwen ) I've never felt this way about anyone

Lancelot : I want to do something for her.

Lancelot : But what?

Gwaine : Well there's the usual things. Flowers, chocolates, promises you don't intend to keep.

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Uther Pendragon : Arthur, look in that mirror.

Uther Pendragon : I see a strong, confident, handsome young man.

Uther Pendragon : ( Looks at Arthur and laughs) Oh look, you're here too.

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Merlin : ( Blushing , to Arthur ) Would you like to stay for dinner ?

Hunith : ( Yelling from inside the house ) Would you like to stay forever ?

Chapter Text

( A familiar scream sounds throughout the forest )

Gwaine : That sounded like Arthur. It sounded like - like he was in trouble.

Merlin : ( Annoyed with Arthur ) Yeah? Why doesn't he get his new friends to help him? I don't care.

Gwaine : ( Grabs Merlin by his collar and starts shaking him) THAAAAAAAT'S IT !!!! I'VE HAD IT WITH YOU AND YOUR EMOTIONAL CONSTIPATION !!!! ARTHUR NEEDS US, AND WE'RE GOING TO HELP HIM !!!! YOU GOT THAT ???

Gwaine : NOW PIPE DOWN AND HANG ON TIGHT !!!

( Takes Merlin's hand in his own )

Gwaine : ( His eyes narrowed in determination ) We've got a Prince to save.

Chapter Text

( Gwaine and Merlin screaming as they jump off a cliff of a waterfall and fall into the water )

Gwaine : ( Emerging from the water, laughing ) I'VE NEVER FELT SO ALIVE !!!!!

Merlin : ( Emerges from the water, coughing ) GOOD !!! BECAUSE I'M GONNA KILL YOU !!!

Gwaine : No time for that now, Merls.

( Takes Merlin's hand and ducks into the water ignoring Merlin's protests and makes their way to the other side )

Chapter Text

Arthur : ( Struggling to get free of the magical chains that are binding him )

Gwen : Arthur, it's no use, don't !

Arthur : ( Struggles for a few moments but gives up in the end as he sighs ) Morgana.

Gwen : Yes, Morgana. She betrayed us all. I'm so sorry Arthur.

Arthur : No I did this. I should have listened to Merlin when he warned me about her.

( A sudden commotion occurs as the guards outside the cabin yells and screams and starts to fight. In the midst of it all, a familiar voice singing a tavern song can be heard )

Familiar voice : We're devils, we're black sheep, we're really bad eggs! Haha !!! Drink up me hearties !!!

Lancelot : That sounded just like -

Arthur : Gwaine !

( The door bursts open revealing Gwaine and Merlin who are grinning at Gwen and the Knights of the Round Table who are bound tightly by Morgana's magical chains)

Arthur : Thanks guys !

(Merlin magicks Arthur's magical ropes loose and not a second after that Merlin flings himself on Arthur, hugging him tightly and sobbing dramatically )

Merlin : Ohhhhh I thought I would never see you again !!! Oh -

Gwaine : ( Separates Merlin from Arthur, letting Arthur breathe and looks at Merlin fondly ) Sometimes you embarrass me.

Chapter Text

Merlin : ( Says something dumb)

Arthur : Remind me again why I'm so in love with you?

Merlin : ( Smiles )

Arthur : Ah, of course.

Chapter Text

Merlin : Maybe I'm dreaming.

Merlin : ( To Gwaine ) Pinch me.

Gwaine : (Pinches Merlin)

Merlin : Not in the butt!

Gwaine : Sorry it was right there.

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Lancelot : ( To Merlin ) You're afraid to make a commitment

Merlin: I'm not afraid to make a com - I've been with Arthur for fifteen years!

Arthur : They've been good years.

Merlin : I've worked really hard on them.

Arthur : Hey, it takes two !

Lancelot : Stop it !

Chapter Text

( Merlin sulking at Arthur )

Arthur : It's not that I don't see your frown. It's just that I don't care enough to ask why it's there.

Chapter Text

Uther Pendragon : Arthur this is just a banquet.

Arthur : And hell is just a sauna.

Chapter Text

Gwen : You're like the coolest person I've ever met and you don't even have to try.

Merlin : I try really hard actually.

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Arthur : ( Regains consciousness and looks at Merlin while groaning ) You had one job to do !

Merlin : You mean , look after the babies ?

Arthur : ( Sits up straight and looks at Merlin and then the Knights ) What ? How long was I out?

Chapter Text

Leon : Do you have the key ?

Gwaine : No, I'm just gonna say 'OPEN SESAME!!!'

Gwaine : Of course I have the key!

Chapter Text

Arthur : If you all could excuse me I'm gonna go over there and maybe, I don't know, kick a tree.

( Arthur gets up and leaves )

Merlin : ( Gets up and smiles at everybody ) If you all could excuse me, I'm gonna go over there and uh maybe save a tree.

Chapter Text

Merlin : Hello Morgana. Make anyone cry today?

Morgana : Sadly no. But it's only 4.30.

Chapter Text

Gaius : What's gotten into you today?

Arthur : We just met the dragon under the castle and -

Gaius : Ah of course. Tell me which of you will be dying this year?

Merlin : Me.

Gaius : Kilgarrah has predicted the death of a citizen each year. None of them has died yet.

Gaius : You look in excellent health to me, Merlin, so I won't let you off your chores today.

Gaius : I assure you that if you died you need not do it anymore.

Chapter Text

Lancelot : I thought you said you'd never get into a bar fight again!

Gwaine : Lance, you should know by now, I'm absolutely wrong about everything.

Chapter Text

(Arthur and Morgana caught sneaking around by Uther Pendragon)

Uther Pendragon : What do you have to say for yourselves?

Morgana : .............

Morgana : Uther Pendragon, what do you think you are doing out this late?

Uther Pendragon : ( speechless )

Arthur : We were worried sick! You could have been dying!

Uther Pendragon : The palace is the safest place in Camelot

Morgana : That's what they said about Pompeii. You know what happened?

Arthur and Morgana : BOOM!!!

Chapter Text

Arthur : You actually were telling the truth.

Gwaine : I do that quite a lot yet people are always so surprised.

Chapter Text

A bandit : ( Threatening Arthur ) I'll teach you the meaning of pain !

Merlin : ( Hitting the bandit with a pole from behind )

Merlin : You like pain ?

Merlin : Try being a manservant for Arthur Pratdragon.

Chapter Text

Arthur : What's your purpose in Camelot ?

Uther Pendragon : And no lies.

Gwaine : Alright then, I confess. It is my intention to pick up a crew in Camelot, raid, pillage, plunder and otherwise pilfer my weaselly black guts out.

Uther Pendragon : I said no lies !

Arthur : I think he's telling the truth.

Uther Pendragon : If he was telling the truth, he wouldn't have told us!

Gwaine : Unless, of course, he knew you wouldn't believe the truth even if he told it to you.

Chapter Text

Merlin : Oh aren't you a beautiful boy !

Arthur : (Pleased) Thanks!

Arthur : I've been experimenting with back - combing.

Arthur : ( Sees Merlin petting and cooing over a cat )

Arthur : ( Annoyed ) Oh.

Chapter Text

Lancelot : Oooh, Gwaine's wheels are turning. Your brain baby is crowning.

Leon : Lance, please, that's disgusting.

Gwaine : No, it's helping, I am having a brain baby.

Leon : Then push, man, push !!!

Lancelot : Breathe.

Leon : You can do this, you are so strong.

Chapter Text

Merlin : I was legally dead for two full minutes. And I met God.

Morgana : Tight. What does she look like?

Merlin : Ethically Ambiguous.

Chapter Text

Morgana : 'Pride and Joy'. Remember? What father called us?

Arthur : Yes.

Arthur : Arthur is my pride and Morgana is my joy.

Chapter Text

Gwen : What do you call it when Morgana's crush likes her back ?

Arthur : Imagination.

Chapter Text

Morgana : What do you want me to do ?

Merlin : Smile

Morgana : ( Smiles )

Arthur : Oh crap, that's terrifying !

Merlin : We're here to cheer up Gwen not to kill her.

Chapter Text

Arthur : Gwaine, your head is mostly empty.

Gwaine : Urgh ?

Arthur : Exactly.

Chapter Text

Arthur : Did you know that when baby tarantulas are born, they eat their fathers?

Morgana : How fascinating.

Uther Pendragon : ( Sleeps with both eyes open )

Chapter Text

( After discovering that Merlin is born with magic )

Gwaine : Of course we're not going to have your head chopped off.

Gwen : Why on earth would you think that, Merlin ?

Merlin : Because magic is illegal in Camelot !

Merlin : And because - because I'm a monster.

Arthur : You're being dramatic. Do fold my shirts, Merlin. Forgive me if I'm not trembling at the sight of you.

Chapter Text

Arthur : I think I need to be alone right now.

( Later )

Arthur : Thanks for being alone with me Merlin.

Chapter Text

Lancelot : Isn't it weird for you ? That I'm courting Guinevere ?

Arthur : Not at all. I can tell when two people are meant to be together. Like Guinevere and you.

Lancelot : Look at you being all mature.

Arthur : And Merlin and me.

Lancelot : Look at you being all irrational.

Arthur : No, it's true. I've been hanging out with him lately and I think something's changed.

Lancelot : Yeah, he doesn't seem to want you dead so much anymore.

Chapter Text

Morgana : Arthur

Arthur : Morgana

Merlin : Merlin

Arthur : Okay, you just said your own name.

Merlin : It was the only one left.

Chapter Text

Gwaine : I'm going out

Arthur : Don't do anything that I don't do.

Gwaine : Like what? Get laid ?

( Later )

Merlin : ( To Gwaine ) Why is Arthur sobbing on the bedroom floor?

Chapter Text

Merlin : (To Gwen ) My boyfriend is an idiot.

Arthur : ( Sitting right beside Merlin ) I am your boyfriend.

Merlin : I know.

Chapter Text

Gwaine : I'm so sorry for all the stuff I said.

Arthur : And for punching me in the face right?

Gwaine : No, you definitely deserved that.

Chapter Text

Arthur : Gwaine did what?

Gaius : I wouldn't let him see Merlin as he was still resting from last night and I told him that unless he was injured he wasn't allowed to stay.

Gaius : So he punched himself in the face and told me he was injured.

Leon : Well .... you have to admire his dedication.

Chapter Text

Merlin : I want to die.

Lancelot : ( startled ) What?

Merlin : Temporarily, of course.

Gwen : He means sleep.

Lancelot : .............

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Merlin : I'm 80% exhaustion, 10% sarcasm, and 20% don't care.

Leon : That's 110%

Merlin : 20% of me doesn't care.

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Morgana : Why are you being so nice to Merlin ?

Arthur : Because I'm a good person, a beautiful ray of sunshine, and I'm just nice to everyone.

Morgana : ( Raising one eyebrow disbelievingly )

Arthur : Yeah, okay, fine I'm in love with him.

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Morgana : Honestly, I'm just so evil. So full of darkness.

Morgana : I feed of the souls of the living. I strike fear into -

Gwen : You sleep with a stuffed giraffe.

Morgana : he is my sECOND IN COMMAND IN MY ARMY OF DARKNESS !!!!

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Merlin : I bet I could fit the whole world in my hands !

Arthur : Merlin. that's physically impossible.

Merlin : ( Takes Arthur's face in his hands )

Merlin : Are you sure ?

Arthur : ( Blushing ) Stop it, I have a reputation.

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Leon : There's seven chairs and ten kids

Lancelot : What do we do ?

Arthur : Have everyone stand.

Merlin : Bring three more chairs.

Gwaine : The best of the seven can sit down.

Morgana : Kill three.

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Gaius : Talk to him, that's what parents do.

Uther Pendragon : Nope. I'm gonna wait until I'm on my deathbed, get in the last word and die immediately.

Gaius : That's your plan for dealing with this?

Uther Pendragon : That's my plan for dealing with everything

Uther Pendragon : I have seventy seven arguments I'm gonna win that way.

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Morgana : I don't want to talk about it.

Merlin : Do you want me to sit here and brood in silence with you ?

Morgana : ....................

Merlin : ........................

Morgana : Do you have depressing poetry ?

Merlin : ( Pulls out a huge book out of his bag )

Merlin : Of course.

Chapter Text

Merlin : Fight Me !!!

Arthur, Gwaine, Morgana, Lancelot, Leon, Gaius : ( Quietly from where Merlin can't see them ) Do not touch our sweet cinnamon bun if you want to see the light of the day ever again!

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Merlin : ( cheerful and bright ) Get up!!! It's morning, the sun is out !!!

Arthur : ( sleepily and grumpily ) And what am I supposed to do? Photosynthesis?

Gaius : ( Yells from another room ) The term is photosynthesize.

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Gwen : Why are people always fighting over top or bottom?

Gwen : I would be lucky just to have a bunk bed.

Merlin : ................

Gwaine : ...............

Lancelot : .................

Arthur : .......................

Gwaine : I'm going to tell her.

Lancelot, Arthur and Merlin : DON'T YOU DARE !!!!

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Merlin : ( To Arthur ) For someone who is 70% water, you don't look very refreshing.

Gwaine : BUUUUUURRNNNNN !!!!!!!!!!!

Gaius : Water cannot be burned.

Gwaine : EVAAAAAPOOORAAATTTEEEE !!!!!

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Merlin : Lance, you have a lot to offer Guinevere.

Merlin : You're funny, you're smart -

Arthur : You're brave, you've got style -

Gwaine : ................

Gwaine : Oh did you want me to say something ?

Gwaine : You have brown hair, your name is Lancelot.

Lancelot : Thanks, Gwaine.

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Alvarr : You remind me of the sun.

Alvarr : Because you are pretty hot.

Morgana : Oh I thought it was because if you come too close to me I will kill you.

Morgana : Both are true.

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Arthur : Is your dad a baker? Because your ass is a bun -

Arthur : I mean, you've got a nice bun.

Arthur : Or was the line "you have a sweet bun?"

Merlin : ....................

Arthur : ........ can I try again ?

Merlin ( Glares at Arthur with tear filled eyes )

Merlin : My dad is dead, you insensitive prat.

Arthur : Oh.

Arthur : My condolences.

Merlin : ( Walks away from Arthur )

Arthur : Oh come on Merlin, don't walk away from me.

Gwaine : ( Sipping wine ) That did not go well.

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Uther : I assume you realize this type of idiocy will not be tolerated in my kingdom.

Merlin : Is there another type of idiocy you would be more comfortable with ?

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Arthur : I'll rule the world !!!

Merlin : ( Breathes )

Arthur : And you'll be by my side.

Merlin : Why ?

Arthur : You're too precious, I have to protect you.

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Merlin : You know, I used to be normal before.

Gwaine : ( Consolingly ) I know, Merlin, I know.

Gwaine : Now go distract Uther, Arthur and Gaius while Morgana and I paint Uther's and Arthur's rooms in pink.

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Hunith : Merlin, so it's true ? You're courting the Prince of Camelot, Arthur Pendragon ?

Merlin : Yes, I was going to tell you but -

Hunith : How much ?

Merlin : How much what?

Hunith : How much does he pay you for both of you to be together ?

Merlin : ....... nothing.

Hunith : ..............

Merlin : ..............

Hunith : So you're sleeping with the famous Pendragon Prince for nothing ?

Merlin : ( Nods )

Hunith : IN THIS ECONOMY !? MERLIN I THOUGHT I RAISED YOU BETTER !!!!!

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Merlin : I want to be like a caterpillar

Gwen : Explain.

Merlin : Eat a lot. Sleep a while. Wake up beautiful.

Gwen : You know they have a life span of about a week right?

Merlin : That's just another highlight

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Merlin : Don't go to your chambers !

Arthur : Why not?

Merlin : I saw a spider in there.

Arthur : Why didn't you kill it?

Merlin : It has eight arms and I have two ! How is that fair?

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Morgana : How do I politely tell someone I want to hit their face with a brick several times ?

Merlin : One wishes to acquaint your facial structure with a rigidly edged object fundamentally used in the construction of walls repeatedly.

Morgana : Wow.

Morgana : Merlin ..... That was poetry.

Lancelot : That was a cry for therapy from both of you.

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Gaius : What. Did. You. Do ?

Merlin : Alright, but you can't get mad at me.

Gaius : What. Did. You. Do ?

Merlin : Okay, first of all, I was minding my own business -

Gaius : ( Slams hand on the table ) BULLSHIT !!!

Merlin : I WAS !!!

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Leon : ( All tough and aggressive ) Alright listen up you little shits

Leon : ( Looks at Gwen and smiles fondly )

Leon : Not you Gwen.

Leon : You're an angel and we're thrilled to have you here.

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Gaius : Merlin, why are you being so uptight lately ?

Merlin : ( Takes a deep breath and slams his fist on the table )

Merlin : OH I DON'T KNOW GAIUS !!!!

Merlin : MAYBE THE FACT THAT THE ONCE AND FUTURE KING SEEMS TO WANT TO HAVE NO FUTURE BY ALWAYS WANTING TO FUCKING DIE !!!

Gaius : Merlin, he is the Prince, he is learning, let him be curious -

Merlin : PROTECT ARTHUR PENDRAGON, THAT BLOODY KILGARRAH SAID IT'LL BE FUN HE SAID !!!!

Gaius : Merlin please -

Merlin : GAIUS, HE HAS THE SURVIVAL INSTINCTS OF A RABBIT ON MEAD !!!!

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Gwen : Don't worry, he likes your gorgeous butt and your fancy hair.

Gwen : I know, I read his diary.

Gwaine : He thinks my butt is gorgeous ?

Merlin : You read my diary ?

Gwen : At first, I didn't know it was your diary. I thought it was a very sad, handwritten book.

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Gwen : This one is different.

Gwen : Lancelot is honest and sweet and wouldn't do anything to hurt me.

Morgana : ( In disbelief ) HE'S A GUY !!!

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Uther Pendragon : I should have prayed to the ancestors for luck.

Morgana : How lucky can they be ? They're dead !!!

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Arthur : You're beautiful.

Mithian : Thank you. But what else ?

Arthur : What else ?

Mithian : Is beauty all that matters to you ?

Arthur : What else is there ?

Arthur : ( Gets slapped by Princess Mithian )

( Later )

Merlin : ( Nursing Arthur's bruised cheek while smirking ) Arthur, you should write a book

Morgana : ( Giving Arthur a thumbs down ) How To Offend Women In Five Syllables or Less.

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( The whole of Camelot hears Arthur roaring Merlin's name in the hours of the early morning )

Lancelot : ( Grinning ) Getting into trouble a little early today, aren't we, Merlin ?

Merlin : ( Smiling cheekily ) Trouble ? No way. You're only in trouble if you get caught.

Merlin : ( Turns around to see Arthur fuming behind him )

Arthur : Gotcha

Merlin : I'm in trouble.

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Uther Pendragon : I have to ground you. I am grounding you. You are grounded.

Arthur : But what about my duties as the Crown Prince ?

Uther Pendragon : Okay fine, other than the duties. And no horse.

Arthur : My horse is sick.

Uther Pendragon : Then no going outside.

Arthur : But I need to go outside to train the knights.

Uther Pendragon : Then - uh - no - um - no ( suddenly gets a brilliant idea )

Uther Pendragon : No Merlin !

Arthur : What ? No Merlin ?!

Uther Pendragon : NO MERLIN !!!!

Chapter Text

Uther Pendragon : Did you really think you could get away with this ?

Morgana : Yes.

( Arthur shoves Morgana )

Morgana : I mean, NO OF COURSE NOT, WHY WOULD I THINK THAT ?

Chapter Text

Merlin : Arthur? Who are you crushing on?

Arthur : No one, really.

Merlin : Oh c'mon. Everyone fancies someone.

Arthur : Not me.

Merlin : Who's your crush, Arthur ?

Arthur : Merlin, I don't like anyone !

Merlin : Oh stop being silly, clotpole ! You've got to like someone!

Arthur : I don't.

Merlin : Who do you fancy ?

Arthur : How many times are you going to ask me that question ?

Merlin : As many times as it takes for you to say my name.

Chapter Text

Gwaine : ( Smirking at the sight of Merlin talking with Arthur )

( Arthur walks away from Merlin and then Merlin sees Gwaine )

Merlin : ( Glares ) Shut it Gwaine !

Gwaine : I didn't say anything.

Merlin : No, but you have that look.

Gwaine : Mmmm? And what look is that ?

Merlin : That "I'm Gwaine and I think I know everything" look.

Gwaine : Do I ?

Merlin : ( Glaring intensifies )

Gwaine : ( Smirking intensifies )

Chapter Text

Arthur : I hate you !!!

Merlin : Well, I hate you too !!!

Arthur : ..............

Merlin : ...............

Arthur : ( Sobbing ) You what ?

Chapter Text

Merlin : Is that your hand on my ass ?

Gwaine : It was an accident

Merlin : Gwaine, your hand's still on my ass.

Gwaine : It's still an accident.

Chapter Text

Gwaine : C'mon Arthur, just admit that you fancy Merlin and give the bloke a break.

Arthur : Of course I fancy him Gwaine, but that's not - I mean - Oh for the love -

Arthur : ...............

Morgana : ............

Gwaine : ..................

The Knights of the Round Table : .....................

The Kingdom of Camelot : .....................

Morgana : Arthur - did you just admit -

Arthur : I mean ..... NO !!! AND YOU CAN'T PROVE IT !!!

Chapter Text

Arthur : This is literally the worst idea you've ever had.

Gwaine : So far.

Arthur : Excuse me?

Gwaine : It's the worst idea I've ever had, so far.

Arthur : That doesn't improve the situation at all.

Chapter Text

Gwen : You don't think I can fight because I am a girl.

Lancelot : I don't think you can fight because you're wearing a wedding dress.

Lancelot : For what it's worth, I don't think Gwaine could fight in that dress either.

Gwaine : Perhaps not. But I would make a radiant bride.

Chapter Text

Uther Pendragon : Did you even look at the girl I asked you to talk at the celebrations last week ?

Arthur : Yes, father. We share similar interests. We've in fact become close friends.

Uther Pendragon : I'm glad you are progressing ultimately.

Arthur : Me too. At last, I've found someone who'd listen to me bitching about my boyfriend without judging me.

Chapter Text

Lancelot : So how's the prettiest person in the world doing today ?

Gwen : ( Smiling sweetly ) I don't know, how are yo -

Gwaine : ( From across the room ) I'm doing great thanks !!!

Chapter Text

Arthur : You know what ? Forget it, I'm not even shocked anymore.

Merlin : Oh, that's no fun.

Arthur : This has become the norm for the two of you.

Gwaine : We'll have to try harder the next time.

Arthur : Please don't.

Merlin : I feel like we've been issued a challenge.

Gwaine and Merlin : CHALLENGE ACCEPTED !!!

Chapter Text

( Merlin, after performing magic for the first time in Camelot. )

Merlin : ( In excitement ) I can't believe I did this !!!

Merlin : ............ I can't believe I did this.

Merlin : I CAN'T BELIEVE I DID THIS !!!

Merlin : ( Worried ) Mother would be so furious. Well, that's okay! I mean, what she doesn't know won't kill her right ?

Merlin : ( Rocking around on the floor ) Oh my gosh !!!!! ........ This would kill her !!! I am a horrible son. I am going back.

Merlin : ( Cartwheeling ) I AM NEVER GOING BACK !!!!

Merlin : ( Face down on the bed ) I am a despicable human being.

Merlin : ( Jumping up and down the bed happily ) WOOOOO - HOOOOO !!!!! BEST. DAY. EVER !!!!

Chapter Text

Uther Pendragon : You said you had nothing to do with the sudden escape of that sorcerer from my dungeons. Are you lying to me ?

Morgana : That depends on how you define lying.

Uther Pendragon : Well, I define it as not telling the truth. How do you define it ?

Morgana : Reclining your body in a horizontal position.

Uther Pendragon : ..........................

Morgana : .........................

Uther Pendragon : Get out.

Morgana : Absolutely.

Chapter Text

Arthur : I'm sick

Merlin : Tragic.

Arthur : I need to stay in bed all day.

Merlin : Have fun.

Arthur : I need some company.

Merlin : I'll go get Morgana.

Arthur : I need kisses to make me feel better.

Merlin : I'm sure Gwen won't mind.

Arthur : I need a hug.

Merlin : Oh, then Lancelot !

Arthur : ( Impatiently ) I NEED SOMETHING TO DO !!!

Merlin : ............

Arthur : .............

Merlin : ( Grinning cheekily ) Do me.

Chapter Text

" I could get killed. Or even worse, Gaius might give me a lecture on responsibility again. "

- Merlin

Chapter Text

Arthur : So how is Camelot's prettiest boy doing today ?

Merlin : ( Not looking up from polishing the armor ) I don't know, how are you ?

Arthur : .................

Arthur : ( Voice cracking ) I'm fine.

Chapter Text

Arthur : Gwaine, why are you still here ? I dismissed the council ten minutes ago.

Gwaine : Arthur, I'm contemplating what life really means, you know. I'm wondering whether we really have a purpose.

Arthur : ..............

Gwaine : ..............

Gwaine : Plus, Merlin glued my ass to the chair.

Chapter Text

Arthur : ( Looking around in his wardrobe )

Arthur : What should I change into ?

Merlin : A better person.

Chapter Text

Merlin : ( To Gwaine ) I had a crush on you, you're handsome. But you're not my type.

( Merlin walks away and kisses Arthur )

Gwaine : ( Turns to Gwen who is trying her best not to laugh )

Gwaine : ....... What does he mean I'm not his type ?

Leon : Gwaine, please.

Gwaine : I AM GWAINE I AM EVERYONE'S TYPE !!!

( Gwen losing her shit in the background and Leon and Lancelot trying their best to calm down a hysterical Gwaine )

Chapter Text

Merlin : Hey Gwaine !

Gwaine : Oh, are you talking to me ?

Merlin : Yeah why ?

Gwaine : Nothing, nothing, I just thought you talked to people who are more

Gwaine : You know

Gwaine : YOUR TYPE !!!!

Merlin : STOP THIS !!!!

( Arthur and Morgana laughing in the background )

Chapter Text

Gwaine : Hey Merlin, what do you want for Christmas ?

Merlin : I don't mind, just get me anything.

Gwaine : No, no I need you to tell me right here, right now just in case, y'know I buy you something and IT ISN'T YOUR TYPE !!!

Merlin : OH MY GOD

( Leon and Lancelot shaking their heads and muttering prayers to the Gods above )

Chapter Text

Gwaine : ( Banging on Merlin's chamber doors in the middle of the night )

Gwaine : wHAT Do YOU MEAN I'M NOT YOUR TYPE ???

Merlin : DAMMIT GWAINE THAT WAS MONTHS AGO.

( Gaius drags a complaining Gwaine by his ear out of the chambers )

Chapter Text

Leon : Merlin, tell us your best joke.

Merlin : No.

Lancelot : Please ?

Merlin : No.

Gwen : Pretty please ?

Merlin : .... Fine.

Merlin : ( Looks at Gwaine )

Merlin : ..............

Merlin : You're my type.

( Everyone in the kingdom starts to lose their shit )

Chapter Text

Gwaine : ( To Merlin ) So how are things, you know, with Arthur

Gwaine : Arthur Pendragon.

Gwaine : The one that's your type.

( Merlin closes his eyes and wills himself not to punch his best friend in the face )

Chapter Text

Gwaine : ( Sees Arthur and Merlin together )

Leon, Lancelot, Gwen, Morgana, Gaius : ( Prepares themselves to hear another rant about types )

Gwaine : You know, I may not be Merlin's type but Merlin is happy. And that makes me happy.

( Leon, Lancelot, Gwen, Morgana, Gaius stares at Gwaine dumbfounded )

Chapter Text

Gwaine : MERLIN !!! I was beginning to think I'd never see you again. I almost forgot what your face looked like.

Merlin : ( Laughing ) It's been twelve minutes, Gwaine.

Gwaine : ( Clinging to Merlin in a bone crushing hug )

Gwaine : Just don't leave me alone again ! I almost died !

Merlin : Almost died ? What are you talking about ?

Gwaine : (Death glares and points at Arthur )

Arthur : Oh please. I made him look over a council report for three minutes !!!

Chapter Text

Arthur : ( Angrily worked up and pacing around the room ) Kiss my delectable behind !!! You can trust no one, and nothing ever !!!!

Merlin : ( Feigns offence ) But Arthur, what about me ?

Arthur : Except you, love. ( Winks ) Don't worry.

Merlin : ( Dramatically leaps off a chair ) Oh, darling !!!

Arthur : ( Gets down on one knee ) Oh, buttercup !!!

Leon : Oh for the love of Camelot !!!

Arthur : Why, yes. Well done, Leon. Spot on. I do believe that Camelot would approve.

Merlin : Camelot's love, indeed.

Chapter Text

Leon : Good night

Arthur : Sleep tight

Lancelot : Swee -

Merlin : Don't let the bedbugs crawl into your ears and whisper threatening things that make you question yourself.

Leon, Lancelot and Arthur : Merlin what the fuck ?

Chapter Text

Gwen : If you fancy Arthur, why don't you just ask him out ?

Merlin : First of all, let's just get our facts straight.

Merlin : I do not fancy Arthur Pendragon, I merely tolerate him.

Gwen : No, you're right. It's totally normal to talk this much about someone you tolerate.

Merlin : ( Sticks his tongue out childishly at Gwen )

Gwen : ( Smirks knowingly at Merlin )

Chapter Text

Lancelot : Aren't you supposed to be asleep ?

Merlin : I'm supposed to be a lot of things but I live to disappoint.

Chapter Text

Gwaine : I'm so sick of Arthur. He thinks he is better than everyone else.

Lancelot : I'm sure he doesn't actually think that. Right, Arthur ?

Arthur : I don't think I'm better than everyone else.

Leon : See, Gwaine, there is no need to figh -

Arthur : I know I'm better than everyone else.

Leon and Lancelot : ( Facepalms )

Chapter Text

Uther Pendragon : You're a Prince and you're going to marry a princess.

Arthur : Now, father, you're living in the past. This is the medieval era.

Morgana : Yeah Uther, wake up and smell the plague !!!

Chapter Text

Merlin : So I have made a decision to trust you.

Gwaine : A horrible decision, really.

Chapter Text

Morgana : It's over, Arthur Pendragon !!!

Morgana : I have dreamed of nothing else for years.

Gwaine : Boy, does she need a hobby.

Chapter Text

Morgana : My criminal record ? The only illegal thing I've done is absolutely KILLIN' it on the dance floor.

Morgana : Haha ! Just kidding !!!

Morgana : I have killed people.

Chapter Text

Merlin : Seriously, all you do is bitch.

Arthur : I happen to bitch the perfect amount for someone in my situation.

Chapter Text

Arthur : You're such a girl, Merlin.

Gwaine : What's wrong with being a girl ?

Arthur : You know what I mea -

Gwaine : No I don't. Why did you say it ?

Arthur : I just meant -

Gwaine : Do you really think so little of women ?

Arthur : GWAINE I DIDN'T MEA -

Gwaine : WHAT WOULD GWEN SAY ? HUH? WHAT WOULD MORGANA SAY ?

Gwaine : OH MY GOD ARTHUR ! WHAT WOULD YOU MOTHER SAY? YOUR MOTHER DIDN'T DIE TO SEE HER ONLY SON INSULTING WOMEN !!! MAKE HER SACRIFICE WORTHWHILE, PENDRAGON !!!

Chapter Text

Merlin : Damnit, life is a fucking bitch.

Gwaine : Hey watch your fucking language, kid !!! Who the fuck taught you to swear?

Chapter Text

Merlin : Judging by your body language, today is not your day, huh ?

Morgana : What gave it away ?

Merlin : The axe you are gripping very tightly onto.

Chapter Text

Leon : I personally don't think it's possible to come up with a crazier plan.

Gwaine : We attack Morgana with pickled eggs.

Leon : I stand corrected.

Gwaine : Just keeping things in perspective.

Chapter Text

( After Elena left Gwaine and broke his heart )

Merlin : ( To Gwaine ) You will love again, because time will heal a broken heart.

Merlin : ( Picks up a huge rock with the violent intention of throwing it, alarming Gwaine )

Merlin : But not that bitch's window.

Chapter Text

Gwen : C'mon Arthur, it'll be fun !!!

Arthur : What's 'fun'?

Gwen : Fun is when you - fun is - it's like - sorta like a -

Gwen : ( Gets a bright idea ) Let me spell it out for you !!!

Gwen : ( Starts singing ) F is for friends who do stuff together !!!

Gwen : U is for you and me !!!

Gwen : N is for anywhere and anytime at all !!!

Gwen : ( Her eyes shining ) Do you feel it yet ?

Arthur : ( Brief pause ) Maybe.

Chapter Text

Mordred : I've never been in Morgana's room before. Have you ?

Arthur : Once when she was ten.

Mordred : And ? What was it like ? What happened ?

Arthur : She pushed me out of the window and told my father that I fell.

Chapter Text

Gwen : Ask her something.

Merlin : ( To Freya ) How are you ?

Gwen : Something personal !!!

Merlin : At what age did you first get your period ?

Chapter Text

Morgana : ( Chuckling evilly ) Merlin and Arthur.

Morgana : The Beauty and the Beast

Arthur : Now, now I wouldn't call call Merlin a beast.

Chapter Text

Morgana : How is the biggest asshole in the world doing?

Arthur : ( Without looking up from his report ) I don't know Morgana, how are you?

Morgana : Fuck you, Arthur.

Chapter Text

Lancelot : MERLIN, WE HAVE TO GO !!! COME OUT !!!

Merlin : I'M GAY !!!

Lancelot : NOT WHAT I MEANT BUT I STILL SUPPORT YOU !!!

Chapter Text

Gwaine : Guys, there's three ways to do things. The right way, the wrong way, the Gwaine way.

Gwen : Isn't the last way also the wrong way?

Gwaine : Yeah, but its faster.

Chapter Text

(3 AM in the Forest)

Merlin : You are my king.

Arthur : And you are my lionheart.

Leon : And you are both gay as fuck, go to sleep.

Chapter Text

Leon : You both are idiots. Did you know that?

Merlin : ...............

Arthur : ...............

Merlin : In our own defense we actually did know that.

Chapter Text

A sleepy Arthur : Merlin, what would you say if I told you I love you?

An equally sleepy Merlin : I'd say I love you too.

A sleepy Arthur : Good. ( Starts snoring )

Chapter Text

Morgana : What do you think Merlin will do for a distraction?

Arthur : Who knows? He'll probably like, you know. Make a noise or throw a rock. That's what I would do.

( The building blows up and the bells start ringing )

Arthur : Or he could do that.

Chapter Text

Merlin : I'm socially awkward

Gwen : So am I.

Merlin : Maybe we can be socially awkward together.

Gwen : I'd like that.

Chapter Text

Leon : Oh - well, I'm - I'm sure people like you too, huh?

Merlin : (not very concerned) Not really, I annoy people.

Chapter Text

Merlin : Be the Merlin in the conversation.

Arthur : You want me to just say "Cowabunga, father"?

Merlin : Oh, yes, that would be awesome !!!

(Later)

Arthur : (To Uther) COWABUNGA FATHER !!!!

Merlin : YAAAAAASSSSS!!!!!

Chapter Text

Merlin : Look, let's just agree to say 'I'm sorry' on the count of three.

Merlin : One, two, three -

Merlin : ...........

Arthur : ...........

Merlin : See, now, I'm disappointed in the both of us.

Chapter Text

(Gwaine and Arthur spying on Merlin)

Gwaine : Merlin just walked up to a woman.

Arthur : A female woman?

Arthur : Gwaine, is it a female woman?

Chapter Text

(A few moments after the birth of Lancelot's and Gwen's child)

Lancelot : (To Merlin) Would you like to hold her?

Merlin : Oh - um - yeah sure, that would be great !!!! (Starts to hold Gwen in a hug)

Lancelot : (exasperated) The baby, Merlin !!!

Merlin : Yeah, right, right. The normal thing.

Chapter Text

Merlin : (Looking at Arthur, laughing) I can't believe I'm going to sleep with him.

Lancelot : (Startled) Well, you don't have to.

Merlin : No I'm going to.

Chapter Text

Uther Pendragon : Morgana, I'm very disappointed in you!

Morgana : Your approval means nothing to me.

Chapter Text

Morgana and Arthur : AHHHH WE DID IT !!!

Arthur : Wait a minute, are we hugging? Have we ever done this before?

Morgana : No. If you ever tell anyone, I'll slit your throat.

Arthur : Oh.

Chapter Text

A very pregnant Gwen : Oh, my water just broke !!!

Merlin : Don't worry about that, we'll just get you a new one.

Merlin : Oh! You mean your body water!

Merlin : That's much worse.

Chapter Text

"My mother cried the day I was born because she knew she'd never be prettier than me."

- Gwaine.

Chapter Text

"I'm not a stone cold bitch. I'm a natural, beautiful presence."

- Morgana Pendragon.

Chapter Text

"Everyone should listen to me all the time about everything."

- Merlin

Chapter Text

Arthur : I love you and I treasure you and YA BORE ME !!!

Merlin : God you're being so mean.

Merlin : Do it more.

Arthur : I hope you die.

Merlin : (Fully turned on)

Leon and Lancelot : Why are you both like this?

Chapter Text

Agravaine : It was like taking candy from a baby.

Leon : WHY ARE YOU GIVING CANDY TO A BABY IN THE FIRST PLACE?

Lancelot : DON'T GIVE CANDY TO A BABY!

Leon and Lancelot : THEY CAN'T BRUSH THEIR TEETH!!!!

Chapter Text

Morgana : (In disguise) Excuse me, Sir Knight?

Leon : Yeah, sweetheart?

Morgana : (Rips of the disguise) SWEETHEART ?!

Morgana : Seriously Leon? Is that how you talk to women who ask for your help?

Chapter Text

Thought I'd end up with Morgana
But she wasn't a match
Wrote some songs about Gwen
Now I listen and laugh
And for Gwaine, I'm so thankful
Wish I could say, "Thank you" to Freya
'Cause she was an angel

One taught me love
One taught me patience
And one taught me pain
Now, I'm so amazing
I've loved and I've lost
But that's not what I see
So, look what I got
Look what you taught me
And for that, I say

Thank you, next (next)
Thank you, next (next)
Thank you, next
I'm so fuckin' grateful for my ex
Thank you, next (next)
Thank you, next (next)
Thank you, next (next)
I'm so fuckin'

Spend more time with my friends
I ain't worried 'bout nothin'
Plus, I met someone else
We havin' better discussions
I know they say I move on too fast
But this one gon' last
'Cause his name is Arthur
And I'm so good with that (so good with that)
He taught me love (love)
He taught me patience (patience)
How he handles pain (pain)
That shit's amazing (yeah, he's amazing)
I've loved and I've lost (yeah, yeah)
But that's not what I see (yeah, yeah)
'Cause look what I've found (yeah, yeah)
Ain't no need for searching, and for that, I say

Thank you, next (thank you, next)
Thank you, next (thank you, next)
Thank you, next (thank you)
I'm so fuckin' grateful for my ex
Thank you, next (thank you, next)
Thank you, next (said thank you, next)
Thank you, next (next)
I'm so fuckin' grateful for my ex

Chapter Text

Thought I'd end up with Gwen
But she wasn't a match
Wrote some songs about Sophia
Now I listen and laugh
Even almost got married
And for Mithian, I'm so thankful
Wish I could say, "Thank you" to Elena
'Cause she was an angel

One taught me love
One taught me patience
And one taught me pain
Now, I'm so amazing
I've loved and I've lost
But that's not what I see
So, look what I got
Look what you taught me
And for that, I say

Thank you, next (next)
Thank you, next (next)
Thank you, next
I'm so fuckin' grateful for my ex
Thank you, next (next)
Thank you, next (next)
Thank you, next (next)
I'm so fuckin'

Spend more time with my knights
I ain't worried 'bout nothin'
Plus, I met someone else
We havin' better discussions
I know they say I move on too fast
But this one gon' last
'Cause his name is Merlin
And I'm so good with that (so good with that)
He taught me love (love)
He taught me patience (patience)
How he handles pain (pain)
That shit's amazing (yeah, he's amazing)
I've loved and I've lost (yeah, yeah)
But that's not what I see (yeah, yeah)
'Cause look what I've found (yeah, yeah)
Ain't no need for searching, and for that, I say

Thank you, next (thank you, next)
Thank you, next (thank you, next)
Thank you, next (thank you)
I'm so fuckin' grateful for my ex
Thank you, next (thank you, next)
Thank you, next (said thank you, next)
Thank you, next (next)
I'm so fuckin' grateful for my ex

Chapter Text

Merlin : How are we looking?

Gwaine : Sexy but not like we're trying too hard.

Gwaine : Yeah sure we're trying but it's almost effortless.

Chapter Text

Gwaine : I didn't want to do this but I do know one way we can get the money.

Merlin : You'd make a decent prostitute.

Gwaine : I'd make an amazing prostitute.

Chapter Text

Merlin : Why do you have a copy of my 'Wanted' poster framed in your bedroom?

Arthur : Because it's bloody hilarious.

Arthur : It says 'most menacing and extremely dangerous'.

Arthur : It's sort of like seeing a fluffy bunny with a spiked collar.

Merlin : .......... I hate you so much.

Chapter Text

Merlin : Since when do you even care about this stuff?

Arthur : Since I met you.

Gwaine : Merlin, you have to admit that was pretty sweet.

Gwen : If you don't marry him, I will.

Chapter Text

Morgana : The chances of a relationship between yourself and Merlin are not promising. You two are of a completely different caliber.

Arthur : Morgana, just because Merlin isn't a royal doesn't mean he's not important.

Morgana : The higher caliber I was referring to, Arthur, was Merlin's.

Chapter Text

Gwaine : I can't believe you're not pining for Arthur anymore.

Merlin : Well, I don't have feelings for Arthur anymore. Time for me to get out there and spread my wings

Gwaine : Legs.

Merlin : Spread my legs?

Gwaine : Well, either way -

Merlin : No, not either way. Only wings.

Chapter Text

Merlin : (jealous) How do you know Sophia?

Arthur : Book club.

Merlin : (taken aback) You read?

Chapter Text

Arthur : You're cute when you're angry.

Merlin : Yeah, well, I'm about to get real fucking adorable.

Chapter Text

Merlin : Arthur, I've got a plan !!!

Arthur : No, Merlin ! You aren't doing anything stupid or dangerous !!!!

Leon : Why do you worry about him so much? After all, he is 'The Greatest Sorcerer To Ever Walk On Earth'!!!

Arthur : It's just what they like to call him. That doesn't mean he knows what he is doing.

Merlin : OI !!! THAT IS NOT -

Gwaine : I have to admit, Princess has a point.

Chapter Text

Gwen : Let's do something really scary !!!

Morgana : We could go to bed early and be alone with our thoughts.

Chapter Text

Merlin : Hey if you ever get married can I be an important role in the wedding?

Arthur : I don't even -

Merlin : Like the groom.

Chapter Text

Arthur : Did it hurt when you fell ?

Merlin : From heaven ? Listen, Arthur, I get that you're into me -

Arthur : No, I meant when you fell walking in. I watched you trip on your foot and just kind of lay there on the floor for about ten minutes.

Merlin : ..................

Arthur : ..................

Merlin : ...................

Gwen : We all saw it.

Chapter Text

Arthur : Hey, Merlin are you hurt somewhere?

Merlin : ( Holds out a bruised arm ) Yeah, why?

Arthur : I can cure it.

Merlin : Really ? And how on earth are you going to do that dollop - (Arthur stamps on Merlin's foot ) OWWWW !!!! WHAT DID YOU DO THAT FOR?

Arthur : See you forgot about it.

Merlin : ................

Merlin : I love you.

Chapter Text

Morgana : Merlin, would you do me the honor of becoming my brother in law?

Arthur : Did you just .... propose to Merlin ..... for me?

Morgana : Somebody had to !!!!

Chapter Text

Arthur : Why are you squeezing me with your body?

Merlin : It's called a hug, Arthur. I'm hugging you.

Chapter Text

There you see him
Sitting there across the way
He got a lot to say
But there's something about him
And you don't know why
But you're dying to try
You wanna kiss the boy

Yes, you want him
Look at him, you know you do
It's possible he wants you too
There's one way to ask him
It don't take a word, not a single word
Go on and kiss Merlin, kiss Merlin !!!

Sha la la la la la
My oh my
Looks like Arthur's too shy
Ain't gonna kiss Merlin
Sha la la la la la
Ain't that sad
It's such a shame, too bad
You're gonna miss Merlin
Go on and kiss Merlin !!!!

Chapter Text

Arthur : ( Seeing Merlin hanging out with a woman) What's this?

Merlin : It's a girl. Surely, you've seen girls before Arthur. Your sister Morgana is one.

Chapter Text

Gwen : So who do you like?

Arthur : Not Merlin.

Arthur : Definitely not Merlin.

Arthur : Merlin? No way, he's such an ugly guy.

Arthur : I don't like Merlin.

Arthur : In fact, I don't even know a Merlin.

Arthur : What Merlin are you referring to?

Arthur : Yeah so, I don't like Merlin.

Gwen : Chill.

Chapter Text

Gwen : Lancelot is smart, sweet and funny.

Gwen : Do you know how hard it is to meet a guy like that?

Merlin : We are a rare breed.

Chapter Text

Arthur : Merlin !!!

Merlin : What?

Arthur : Where is my sword and armor?

Merlin : What?

Arthur : Where? Is? My? Sword? And? Armor?

Merlin : I, uh, put them away

Arthur : Where?

Merlin : Why do you need to know?

Arthur : I need to know !!!

Merlin : No way! Don't you even think of running off and patrolling !!! We've been planning this dinner for two months !!!

Arthur : The public is in danger !!!!

Merlin : MY EVENING IS IN DANGER !!!

Alec : YOU TELL ME WHERE MY SWORD AND ARMOR IS !!! WE ARE TALKING ABOUT THE GREATER GOOD !!!

Merlin : THE GREATER GOOD !? I AM YOUR BOYFRIEND !!! I'M THE GREATEST GOOD YOU'RE EVER GOING TO GET !!!

Chapter Text

"Once again I am falsely accused of whatever I am accused of. Falsely."

- Merlin.

Chapter Text

Robber : Give me all your money if you want to live !!!

Merlin : Bold of you to assume I have money.

Arthur : Bold of you to assume I want to live.

Gwen : Can you two chill for like five seconds?

Chapter Text

Gwaine : So Arthur, are you a top or a bottom?

Arthur : I'm a threat.

Gwaine : ...........

Merlin : He's a bottom.

Chapter Text

Merlin : At least if I die tonight, I'll die doing something I love.

Arthur : Fighting for freedom !!!

Merlin : No. Dying.

Chapter Text

Merlin to Arthur : No, no, no, no, you can't come in here ! Um - uh - Lancelot is naked !

Arthur through the door : What?!

Lancelot : What?!

Merlin, quietly to Lancelot : I couldn't say that I was naked because he's allowed to see me naked !

Lancelot : Why does anyone have to be naked?

Chapter Text

Gwen : ( Trying to teach Arthur to be independent ) Okay, you haven't eaten in days and you're starving and in desperate need of food. What do you do?

Arthur : I go down to the kitchen and ask Merlin to make me food.

Gwen : Yes but Merlin's not there.

Arthur : Where's Merlin?

Gwen : He left Camelot.

Arthur : He left Camelot ? Why ? Is he okay ?

Gwen : He's fine !!!

Arthur : Well, if he's fine, I don't see why he can't make me my food.

Chapter Text

Merlin : Now I'm going to sing you guys a song.

Merlin : It's called ' the story of my life so far'

Merlin : ( Takes a deep breath )

Merlin : ( SCREAMS )

Chapter Text

Arthur : I don't know how to tell you this, Merlin, but you're in love with me.

Merlin : ..... what?

Merlin : .... Oh my god I AM !!!

Leon : What kind of confession did I just witness ?

Chapter Text

Merlin : ( Innocently ) So Arthur, what would you say if I came home one day with a cute baby dragon?

Arthur : ( Raising his eyebrows ) Merlin, what's in your hand?

Merlin : No- nothing.

Arthur : MERLIN. WHAT. IS. IN. YOUR. HAND?

Merlin : ( Smiles innocently ) I think you already know.

Chapter Text

Gwaine : Do you have any new year's resolution Merlin?

Merlin : Yeah. To keep Arthur's secret forever unrevealed.

Gwaine : Wow ! Arthur's secret ! This is something I want to know. Tell me!

Merlin : I can't say Gwaine! They're secrets !

Arthur : That's enough. Merlin get back to work and Gwaine get back to doing whatever you were doing.

Gwaine : (Whispers) You'll tell me later, won't you?

Merlin : (Whispers back ) You already know !

Chapter Text

Gwen : And your first name is ?

Merlin : Merlin

Gwen : And your boyfriend's name is?

Merlin : Arthur.

( GASPING )

Merlin : No, no. I misunderstood ! I thought you said 'best friend'.

Arthur and Gwaine : YOU BASTARD !!!

Chapter Text

Morgause : Which one of you is the smart one ?

Gwaine : If by smart one you mean the one who's been bathed in a brain matter ray, science is his soul and mathematics is his language -

Merlin : (Getting irritated) IT'S ME.

Chapter Text

Merlin : Can I say something ?

Arthur : Sure.

Merlin : Your smile is the prettiest smile I've ever seen.

Arthur : Can I say something as well?

Merlin : Go ahead.

Arthur : This smile only exists when I'm with you.

Uther Pendragon : (Disgusted) I think I'm gonna throw up WTF.

Chapter Text

Morgana : Don't let Arthur fool you, he's not that scary. He used to be great at dancing.

Merlin : No way.

Arthur : Which gave me the physical skills I need to strangle you with my feet.

Chapter Text

Morgana : Don't let Arthur fool you, he's not that scary. He used to be great at dancing.

Merlin : No way.

Arthur : Which gave me the physical skills I need to strangle you with my feet.

Chapter Text

Morgana : So did you kiss him ?

Arthur : No, the moment wasn't right.

Arthur : Look, Merlin might actually be my future husband. I want our first kiss to be amazing.

Gwen : Awww Arthur that is so sweet.

Morgana : So you chickened out like a little bitch.

Chapter Text

Gwen : Merlin, Arthur isn't talking to me.

Merlin : Enjoy it while it lasts.

Chapter Text

Arthur : Merlin, you're so stupid. I bet you can't even make a sentence without using the letter 'A'?

Merlin : You thought you just did something, didn't you?

Merlin : Well, I'm sorry to burst your bubble but numerous sentences could be constructed without employing the first letter of the English Lexicon.

Morgana : Wow.

Gwaine : I'm in love.

Arthur : Merlin, what the fuck ?

Chapter Text

Gwaine : And now a quick update from His Royal Highness, King Arthur Pendragon.

Arthur : Slowly but surely, I'm getting gayer.

Gwaine : There you have it folks.

Chapter Text

Arthur : Merlin can undo the curse !

Merlin : Thank you Captain Obvious.

Arthur : You're welcome Sergeant Sarcasm.

Merlin : Indeed Comrade Comeback.

Chapter Text

Morgana : I don't dress to impress.

Morgana : I dress to depress.

Morgana : I look so good I make people hate themselves.

Chapter Text

Merlin : I am not interested in being polite

Merlin : Or heterosexual

Chapter Text

Gaius, after hearing that Merlin used his magic despite all warnings against it : I AM AT A LOSS FOR WORDS.

Merlin : Despite being lost for words, Gaius shouted at me for the next ten minutes.

Chapter Text

Gwen : If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands !!!

Merlin : .........

Arthur : .........

Morgana : .......

Gwen : ..... well that's depressing

Chapter Text

Dear Mr. Pendragon,

I am writing to you to inform you that I plan to ask your son to marry me.

But since it's the medieval era, I am not asking you for your permission, as he is not your property nor would he be mine if he chooses to say yes.

He is a strong, independent man and he don't need no man !!!

That being said, I truly hope he says yes. But it's his decision so back off !!!!

Sincerely,

Please don't kill me,

Thank you,

Merlin Emrys.

Chapter Text

Lancelot : Alright, what do you want to eat?

Gwaine : I'm not hungry.

Lancelot : Uh okay.

( Lancelot gets the food )

Gwaine : ( Eats more than half of Lancelot's food )

Lancelot : You said you're not hungry !!!

Gwaine : ( Mouth full ) I'm not !!!

Chapter Text

Leon : Do you take constructive criticism ?

Merlin : Not without crying.

Chapter Text

Merlin : So, hey Gaius, Morgana and I just wanted to double check. How do ethical philosophers feel about murder?

Gaius : It's frowned upon.

Morgana : Okay. What if the reason you want to murder someone is to make your life easier? That's okay, right?

Chapter Text

Gwaine : What if people screamed instead of snored ?

Arthur : Gwaine, for the love of Camelot, just go to sleep.

Chapter Text

Gwaine : I like my women like I like my men

Merlin : .....

Gwaine : ......

Merlin : And ?

Gwaine : That's it. That's the whole joke, I'm bisexual.

Chapter Text

"You can't surprise me anymore. Letting me into your life was the worst mistake you ever made."

- Merlin to Arthur Pendragon.

Chapter Text

Servant : ( To Arthur and Merlin on their wedding day ) Here are your drinks.

Servant : And a lovers' toolbox from Sir Gwaine.

Merlin : Ah thank you so much.

Arthur : We will never open that.

Chapter Text

Gwen : Your friends were counting on you !!!

Morgana : Well, that's your fault. I have a carefully created persona that screams 'You're on your own!'

Chapter Text

Merlin : Why did the chicken cross the road ?

Arthur : Why ?

Merlin : To get to the idiot's house.

Arthur : .....

Merlin : Knock Knock.

Arthur : Who's there?

Merlin : The chicken.

Arthur : Listen here you little shit -

Chapter Text

Arthur : I hate your hair.

Gwaine : Impossible. No one does.

Chapter Text

Merlin : You know, Arthur is -

Leon : What ? What is it this time ? Annoying ? A pain ? A total cabbage-head? An idiot ? Rude ? Stupid ? We have heard it all before. Time after time again.

Leon : We all know Arthur Pendragon is a giant, idiotic, dickheaded prat !!! Gosh ...

Merlin : .........

Merlin : I was going to say right behind you.

Leon : ..............

Leon : Ah.

Leon : Well.

Leon : Shit.

Chapter Text

"Excuse you, that is my emotional support human disaster."

- Arthur Pendragon, about Merlin.

Chapter Text

Gwaine : It's like we're meant to be together. Fate keeps bringing us to each other.

Merlin : Gwaine, it's three in morning and you're literally climbing through my window. How did you even get in here?

Gwaine, annoyed : Fate brought me here. I just told you that.

Chapter Text

Arthur : Okay it's time to celebrate. You know what that means

Arthur : This B needs a C in his A.

Merlin : OH MY GAWD !!!

Arthur : This Boy needs Chicken in his Arms.

Merlin : Oh !

Merlin : I thought you were saying this Bastard needs a Cock in his Ass.

Arthur : OH MY GAWD !!!

Merlin : Yeah that was my reaction !

Chapter Text

Arthur : Whatever happens, you're not allowed to fall in love with me.

Merlin : Won't be a problem clotpole.

( A week later )

Merlin : THERE IS A PROBLEM !!!

Chapter Text

Gwen : I wish I had the ability to make boys really nervous.

Morgana : Holding a knife up to their throats usually works for me.

Chapter Text

Gwen : So no matter how shallow and self - absorbed Arthur pretends to be -

Merlin : Excuse me, there's no pretence here. Arthur happens to be genuinely self absorbed and deeply shallow.

Chapter Text

Merlin : What's another word for 'No'?

Arthur : 'Negative', 'never'.

Gwaine, yelling : YESN'T

Chapter Text

Gaius : Why are you naked ?

Merlin, panicking : Uh - I don't have any clothes.

Gaius : ( Opens the closet ) You have shirts, scarves, pants, jackets, - hello Arthur - socks, underwear and shoes.

Chapter Text

"You've lost the ability to surprise me. You're just plain boooring !!!"

- Arthur Pendragon, to Merlin Emrys

Chapter Text

Merlin : Okay, here it goes. Arthur, I love you. I love how smart you are, I love how handsome you are, I love your face and I love your butt. I should have written this down first.

Arthur : No, no it's okay. Go on.

Merlin : You're obnoxious and stubborn but you're also kind and funny and the best person I know.

Merlin : Also I really love your butt.

Arthur : I love yours too.

Merlin : Gross.

Merlin : Arthur Pendragon, will you marry me?

Arthur : Merlin, I will marry you.

Chapter Text

Arthur : We didn't talk. We made love.

Leon : Oh my. Mm. Oh well, spare me the details. I'm just happy -

Arthur : It was so intense, I didn't know where my flesh stopped and his began. You know what I mean?

Leon : Yeah....

Arthur : The two of us just making love for hours and hours and -

Leon : This seems like a private matter -

Arthur : Merlin really knows his way around a penis.

Chapter Text

Lancelot : So you're bedding Merlin ?

Arthur : Sometimes. Usually it's just against a wall.

Chapter Text

Lancelot : Arthur, you should be more like Merlin.

Arthur : So now I'm just supposed to do anything that Merlin does? I mean, what if he jumped off a cliff?

Lancelot : If Merlin were to jump off a cliff, he would have done his due diligence regarding the height of the cliff, the depth of the water and the angle of the entry.

Leon : So yes. If you see Merlin jump off a cliff ... by all means jump off a cliff.

Arthur : You jump off a cliff !!!!

Lancelot : Gladly.

Leon : Provided, Merlin did first.

Chapter Text

Merlin : (Trips over himself and falls while opening a door for Arthur)

Gwaine : Merlin, you dropped something.

Merlin : What?

Gwaine : Your dignity.

Chapter Text

Gwen : Are you sure this is a good decision?

Gwaine : (Offended) What are you talking about ?

Gwaine : I've never made a good decision in my life and I never will.

Chapter Text

Arthur : That's ridiculous. Merlin doesn't have a crush on me.

Gwen : Yes, he does.

Morgana : Yes, he does.

Lancelot : Yes, he does.

Gwaine : Yes, he does.

Leon : Yes, he does.

Uther : Yes, he does

Gaius : Yes, he does

Kilgarrah : Yes, he does

Merlin : Yes, I do.

Chapter Text

Arthur : Merlin put salt in my tea because I annoyed him but I'm going to drink it because I'm petty and I won't let him win.

Chapter Text

Uther Pendragon : Whoever performed this act of sorcery, come forward, and all will be forgiven.

( Silence )

Uther Pendragon : Smart, you knew I'd never forgive you.

Chapter Text

"If Merlin thinks he can just bat his stupid beautiful blue puppy eyes at me and get whatever he wants, he is absolutely right."

- Arthur Pendragon.

Chapter Text

Gwen : I can fit the world in my hands.

Lancelot : No, you can't.

Gwen : ( Cups Lancelot's face )

Lancelot : Oh my God

Lancelot : ( Cups Gwen's face )

Lancelot : I can fit the world in my hands too !

Gwen : Awww !!!

Chapter Text

Arthur : No, thanks. I'll save whatever dignity I have left.

Merlin and Gwaine : You're hanging with us now, dignity's got nothing to do with it.

Chapter Text

Merlin : Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?

Arthur : Becoming a productive manservant to the Crown Prince of Camelot?

Merlin : Arthur. Come on.

Chapter Text

Morgana : Uh oh.

Arthur : What?

Morgana : Somebody's in love.

Arthur : Yeah right. I just think Merlin is cool, okay?

Arthur : It's not like I lie awake at night thinking about him.

(Later that night)

Arthur : (Lying awake thinking about Merlin)

Arthur : Uh oh.

Chapter Text

Arthur : Merlin and I have the kind of easy chemistry where we finish each other's -

Merlin : Sentences.

Arthur : Please don't interrupt me.

Chapter Text

(When something goes wrong)

Arthur : This is a disaster.

Gwaine : Famine is a disaster. This is an ... inconvenience.

Chapter Text

Gwen : You are avoiding your problems.

Merlin : What ? No, I'm not.

Merlin : Can we talk about this tomorrow?

Chapter Text

Gwaine : Go tell Merlin he's cute. What's the worst that could happen?

Arthur : He could hear me !!!

Chapter Text

Merlin : You are so cute.

Arthur : You're cuter !

Merlin : No, you're cuter !

Arthur : No, you're the cutest !

Gwaine : Yeah, you're both adorable. Can you pass the salt?

Chapter Text

Gwen : Just be yourself. Say something nice.

Morgana : Which one ? I can't do both.

Chapter Text

"I'm loyal and kinky af, what more could you want?"

- Gwaine

Chapter Text

Arthur : Cenred has the collective intelligence of a pineapple.

Merlin : Arthur is right.

Gwaine : What do you know? You weren't even paying attention.

Merlin : I was. I said Arthur was right.

Arthur : Yeah but there's like a 90% chance of me being right most of the time, so that's not proof you were listening.

Arthur : That's just a good guess.

Chapter Text

Uther Pendragon : (To Merlin) I may have had my prejudices in the past .... but seeing you stand by Arthur?

Uther Pendragon : It's what every father wants for his children.

Uther Pendragon : Thank you for loving my boy.

Chapter Text

Arthur : (To a royal princess) Merlin will show you around.

Merlin : Okay, right this way is the exit.

Chapter Text

Gwen : So what's your favorite color?

Merlin : Arthur.

Merlin : Wait, what was the question?

Chapter Text

Merlin : Don't break someone's heart, they only have one.

Arthur : Yeah, break their bones, they have 206 of those.

Chapter Text

Arthur : I am the King. Merlin's my manservant.

Arthur : We're just friends.

Morgana : Look, Arthur, just say it, you'll feel better.

Morgana : You're in love with Merlin.

Arthur : Forget it. You know what?

Arthur : You're in love with Merlin !!!

Morgana : Oh okay. Denial. What a childish comeback!

Chapter Text

Vivian : The heart wants what it wants !!!

Merlin : Yeah, well, my heart wants to hurt you but I'm able to control myself.

Chapter Text

Gwaine : I was just thinking it was really nice getting to know you.

Gwaine : You seem .... sympathetic.

Gwaine : Would you like to go out for a drink sometime?

Merlin : That sounds fun, um .... when?

Gwaine : How about right now?

Merlin : (Hears Arthur roaring his name angrily from a distance)

Merlin : (Internally curses Arthur for being a prat)

Merlin : Um.... You know, now's not a really good time for me.

Merlin : Another time, maybe?

Merlin : I gotta go.

Gwaine : (Watches Merlin leave)

Gwaine: Playing hard to get.

Gwaine : I love a challenge.

Chapter Text

Morgana : Whoever said 'The Pen is Mightier Than The Sword' was an idiot.

Arthur : When you're right, you're right.

Chapter Text

"Sisters can really drive you nuts sometimes."

Arthur Pendragon about Morgana Pendragon.

Chapter Text

Mordred : You have no idea what I'm capable of.

Arthur : No offense, but I literally feel like I'm been threatened by a cupcake.

Chapter Text

Arthur : (Stabs and fights the enemies of Camelot)

Arthur : (Punches someone in the face)

Merlin : You go babe !!! You put the cute in execute !!!

Chapter Text

Merlin : I got this.

Gwaine : With what?

Merlin : My easy charm and boyish good looks?

Gwaine : Fair enough.

Chapter Text

Gwaine : Surgery is just stabbing someone to life.

Merlin : Please never become a surgeon.

Chapter Text

Gwaine : I am sad.

Merlin : At least you feel something, that means you are alive.

Gwaine : ...........

Gwaine : Well now I'm sad about two things

Chapter Text

Merlin : Talk dirty to me.

Arthur : I'm not wearing any underwear

Merlin : Nice. Keep going.

Arthur : Because you never do the laundry.

Merlin : I gotta go.

Arthur : Is it to do the laundry?

Chapter Text

Arthur : I need you.

Merlin : For?

Arthur : ... ever?

Chapter Text

Morgana : Murder wasn't on today's agenda.

Merlin : It's not on anyone's.

Morgana : No, it's on mine, just not until next Thursday.

Chapter Text

Percival : You're probably one of those beautiful men who doesn't even know it.

Gwaine : No, I know it.

Chapter Text

Merlin : If Will doesn't like you this is all a moo point.

Arthur : A moo point?

Merlin : Yeah, it's just like a cow's opinion. It just doesn't matter. It's moo.

Arthur ( To Morgana and Gwen) : Have I been living with him for too long or did that all just make sense?

Chapter Text

Arthur : (Hits his hand on the table)

Arthur : Owww my armkle !!!

Gwen : Your what?

Merlin : His wrist.

Chapter Text

Arthur : Now all we have to do is follow the trail of apples.

Gwaine : This .... this is why I became a knight.

Chapter Text

Merlin : Arthur, we should get inside and f -

Arthur : I told you, Merlin! We are not going to fuck!

Merlin : ...........

Arthur : ............

Arthur : Okay, we are! But just because we won!

Merlin : I was going to say find the others.

Merlin : But your plan is much better!

Chapter Text

Gwaine : Arthur Pendragon is a right wanker!

Merlin : True, but only when I'm not there to help him out!

Gwaine : Yes exactly, Arthur is -

Gwaine : (Realizes what Merlin just said) waiT wHAt DID yOU JuST sAY????

Chapter Text

Merlin : Wow I need a drink.

Merlin : (Pours apple juice into a wine glass)

Chapter Text

Merlin : Your hair looks good today.

Gwaine : It looks good everyday.

Merlin : .....

Merlin : You make flirting very hard, you know?

Gwaine : You make me very hard.

Gwaine : (Winks at Merlin who is blushing)

Gwaine : That's how you flirt.

Chapter Text

(Arthur orders Merlin not to follow him)

Gwaine : Will you follow him?

Merlin : Of course.

Gwaine : I love you.

Chapter Text

"I'd also like to apologize for my knight, Sir Gwaine. His parents didn't give him enough attention."

- Arthur Pendragon.

Chapter Text

Gwaine : I'm giving up alcohol for a month.

Arthur : Really?

Gwaine: Wait, that didn't come out right.

Gwaine : I'm giving up. Alcohol for a month.

Chapter Text

Leon : Lancelot and I have a bad feeling about this.

Arthur : What do you mean?

Lancelot : Don't you ever get that small voice inside your head telling you something is going to get you in a lot of trouble?

Arthur : .......

Merlin : ........

Gwaine ..... no?

Lancelot : .... that ....

Leon : That explains so much.

Chapter Text

Gwaine : Yesterday I accidentally stabbed Mordred's leg and I couldn't decide on saying "I'm so fucking sorry" or "Are you fucking okay?"

Gwaine : So I panicked and yelled "ARE YOU FUCKING SORRY?"

Gwaine : He is still crying in the bathroom.

Chapter Text

Merlin : What are you doing here?

Arthur : ( Standing up on a chair) I live here, you know. I can stand wherever I want, thank you very much.

Merlin : .....

Merlin : Where's the spider?

Arthur: It's under the table. Please get it for me, please -

Chapter Text

Arthur : Would you like to dance?

Merlin : I'd love to.

Merlin : ( Turns to Gwaine )

Merlin : May I have this dance?

Chapter Text

Arthur : Whoa! What the hell is happening upstairs?

Percival : Merlin and Gwaine decided they wanted to have a sleepover. You know, wear matching pyjamas and brush each other's hair ....

Arthur : Sounds like someone is getting stabbed to death....

Percival : Ah yes ! That would be the part where Merlin starts brushing Gwaine's hair.

Chapter Text

Merlin : I hardly slept last night.

Gwaine : Well, you know what they say, when you can't sleep - someone's thinking about you.

Merlin : Who the hell would be thinking of me at 3 am?

Arthur : ( Gay panicked silence )

Chapter Text

Gaius : I believe you are capable of much more.

Merlin : I am not.

Chapter Text

(Gwaine after losing his favorite shirt)

Lancelot : Gwaine, it's only a shirt.

Gwaine, aghast : Only a shirt !

Merlin : Gwaine's a little attached to that shirt. He thinks it's lucky.

Gwaine : It is lucky. I ain't never died while wearing that shirt.

Lancelot : I .... I'm not sure how to respond.

Merlin : That's a common reaction to Gwaine.

Chapter Text

Arthur : I am literally so mad at you right now !!! There is nothing you can say that will make me forgive you !!!

Merlin : But Arthur -

Arthur : Okay I forgive you.

Chapter Text

Merlin : You can't spell fuck without 'u'.

Arthur : I'm not sure if you are insulting me or flirting with me.

Chapter Text

Gwaine : I failed my safety course today.

Lancelot : Oh no, what happened?

Gwaine : Well, one of the questions was "in the event of a fire what steps would you take?"

Gwaine : Apparently, " fucking large ones" wasn't the right answer.

Chapter Text

Merlin : You have to learn how to love yourself.

Arthur : But don't you hate yourself.

Merlin : Yeah, but this is about you, Arthur. Stay focused.

Chapter Text

Arthur : I don't understand why everyone thinks I'm in love with Merlin.

Morgana : I have a list in my room. Do you want me to fetch it?

Chapter Text

Arthur : Okay, if anyone asks who we are : I'm the leader, Leon's my number two, Gwaine's our combat strength, Lancelot is our intelligence and Merlin is our canary.

Merlin : Canary?

Arthur : We send you in first and if you die, we know the room is dangerous.

Merlin : Gee thanks.

Chapter Text

Merlin : And his eyes are so intense and focused and ....

Merlin : (dreamily) I've never seen such eyes.

Hunith : Shall I leave you alone with your thoughts for a moment?

Chapter Text

Gwaine : Go live your dream !!!

Arthur : I will.

Gwaine : Your dream stinks. I was talking to Merlin.

Chapter Text

Arthur : Something brought you here, Merlin.

Arthur : Call it what you will.

Arthur : Fate ... Destiny -

Merlin : A Dragon.

Chapter Text

Merlin : You sneaky son of a -

Arthur : Ah, ah, ah! Watch it, you're in a church!

Chapter Text

Agravaine : I've a girl back home who's unlike any other.

Merlin : Yeah, the only girl who'd love him is his mother.

Chapter Text

Arthur : Come on, Merlin, Gwaine. You guys gotta create a distraction.

Merlin : What do you want me to do? Dress in drag and do the hula?

( A moment later )

Merlin, dressed as a lady : LUAU !!!!

Chapter Text

Gaius : Merlin what was that noise?

Merlin : Uh - my shirt fell.

Gaius : It sounded a little heavier than that.

Merlin : It was. I was in it.

Chapter Text

Merlin : Arthur !!!!

Arthur : (Groans)

Merlin : Your majestic highness, what's the point in all those push-ups if you can't even lift a bloody log?

Chapter Text

Arthur : I have to do something.

Merlin : Did you see those Saxons?

Merlin : They popped out of the snow!!! Like daisies !!!

Chapter Text

Arthur : Merlin?

Merlin : Yeah?

Arthur : Ever wonder what those sparkling dots up there are?

Merlin : I don't wonder, I know.

Gwaine : What are they?

Merlin : They're fireflies.

Merlin : Fireflies that got stuck up in that big bluish - black thing.

Gwaine : Gee.

Gwaine : I always thought they were balls of gas, burning billions of miles away.

Arthur : Gwaine, with you, everything's gas.

Chapter Text

Gwaine : (To Arthur and Morgana)

Gwaine : Let me get this straight.

Gwaine : You know Morgana, Morgana knows Arthur.

Gwaine : But she wants to kill him and everybody's not okay with that?

Chapter Text

Arthur : Uncle Agravaine, when I'm king, what will that make you?

Agravaine : An idiot's uncle.

Chapter Text

"When the world turns its back on you .... you turn your back on the world."

- Sir Gwaine

Chapter Text

"Oh Arthur, it's just you. We were afraid it was somebody important."

- Gwaine and Merlin to an exasperated Arthur Pendragon.

Chapter Text

Merlin : Well, that worked like a dream.

Lancelot : It did?

Merlin : Sarcasm is a foreign language to you, isn't it?

Chapter Text

Morgana : Bow to me!!!

Arthur : No matter how hard the wind howls, the mountain cannot bow to it.

Merlin : Translation - go fuck yourself!

Chapter Text

Morgana : This dress looks awful.

Arthur : That's because it's on you dear.

Chapter Text

"As your merciful sovereign, I hereby decree that everyone who was ever mean to me shall be executed."

- Uther Pendragon.

Chapter Text

Gwaine : Okay so things didn't go as planned but new plan -

Merlin : Gwaine we've had lots of plans and none of them have worked.

Gwaine : Yeah but this is a good one.

Gwaine : The new plan is NO PLAN !!!

Gwaine : We wing it!!!

Gwaine : Probably won't work but I said it with a lot of confidence.

Chapter Text

Morgana : Hello Arthur.

Arthur : Morgana, good to see you.

Arthur : But if you're here ....

Arthur : Who's guarding Hades?

Chapter Text

Arthur : How was your week with your mum ?

Merlin : Fantastic, she loves me. I would give you more details but someone just came in here to try and find her fox skin coat.

(Arthur turns around to find Morgana behind him)

Morgana : Hello, Arthur.

Arthur : Morgana. I wondered why the birds had suddenly stopped singing.

Chapter Text

"I should be the bigger person. It shouldn't be hard, given that Morgana's not technically a person."

- Arthur Pendragon.

Chapter Text

Morgana : (To Arthur, shocked) I can't believe you're going out with that flooze, Sophia !!!

Morgana : You should be courting Merlin! ( Looks at Merlin) Right Merlin?

Merlin : ( Trying to act casual ) Whatever bro, court the flooze. I don't care.

Arthur : See? It's never going to happen, Morgana, okay?

Arthur : Because I have find Merlin repulsive and he finds me extremely handsome.

Arthur : So stop pressuring us !!!

Morgana : Oh you sweet naive boy. I haven't even begun to pressure you two.

Morgana : I've already written my Maid of Honor speech for your wedding.

Chapter Text

Arthur : Okay, Leon and Lancelot ... follow Agravaine.

Lancelot : Right. And you and Merlin follow your hearts.

Merlin : No! We're going to stay in Camelot.

Leon : And with each other forever.

Chapter Text

Merlin : Arthur and I kissed.

Gwen : WHAAATTT ???? TELL ME EVERYTHING !!!!!

Merlin : Gwen, it was just a kiss, okay? We were on a mission and it was to keep our cover from been blown. It was nothing.

Gwaine : Yeah who cares about a kiss?

Gwaine : Call me if you grab each others asses.

Chapter Text

Arthur : I will not be using a loophole.

Arthur : As always, I'll be using the main hole or no hole.

Arthur : I choose no hole.

Gwaine : You just said 'hole' way too much, Sire.

Lancelot : And that's coming from Gwaine.

Arthur : Yes that is concerning.

Chapter Text

Gwen : Someone is coming. Someone you don't like.

Morgana : That can be anyone! Be more specific, Gwen!

Chapter Text

Arthur : Merlin, darling, I'm home!

Gwaine: Awesome, we're out of milk.

Arthur : WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE AGAIN? WE'VE TALKED ABOUT THIS?

Gwaine : You're dating the man who happens to be my best friend. Better get used to it. By the way, we're out of milk.

Chapter Text

Merlin : Hey, Lancelot how do I get revenge on those who have forsaken me?

Lancelot : The best revenge is to let go, Merlin.

Merlin : ........

Merlin : Hey, Gwaine how do I -

Gwaine : I'm already packed, let's go kill the bitch.

Chapter Text

Merlin : You can never say bubbles angrily.

Arthur : ?????

(Later)

Morgana : Merlin, why is Arthur angrily screaming 'bubbles' on the roof?

Chapter Text

Merlin : Arthur, after meeting your father, I had to take a big decision regarding the possible future of our relationship.

Arthur : ........

Merlin : We're spending the holidays with my family.

Chapter Text

Arthur : What the hell do you think you're doing?

Gwaine : Honestly? I have no idea.

Chapter Text

Arthur : You have a crush on me, don't you?

Merlin : The only crush I have is the crushing weight of my existence.

Merlin : Also, yes.

Chapter Text

Arthur : Is something burning?

Merlin : Only my desire for you.

Arthur : Merlin, the castle is on fire.

Chapter Text

Merlin : Hey babe, you've been so stressed lately. Let me give you a back rub.

Gwaine : Oh man, would you??? That would be so gre -

Arthur : He was talking to me, you drunk fool -

Arthur : Also why the fuck were you under our bed?

Chapter Text

Arthur : You like me? Like my personality?

Merlin: I was shocked too.

Chapter Text

Morgana : Come on Merlin, you can tell me.

Morgana : Why are you really with my idiot brother?

Morgana : He's not blackmailing you, is he?

Merlin : No, I just feel sorry for him.

Arthur : I am standing right here, you know.

Chapter Text

Agravaine : Oh please, you wouldn't hurt a fly.

Merlin : You're right. Because a fly is an innocent creature that never knowingly did anything to anybody.

Merlin : You, however, I would maim.

Chapter Text

Gwaine : From now on, we fuck up shit together.

Merlin : Good.

Chapter Text

Arthur : Merlin, why are there scratches all over your back?

Merlin : (Flashback to when he chased after a raccoon when Arthur told him not to.)

Merlin : ..... I'm cheating on you.

Chapter Text

Merlin : Alright, time for Plan 2.

Arthur : Don't you mean Plan B?

Merlin : That would insinuate that I have only twenty six plans.

Chapter Text

Arthur : You can never lose an argument if you say 'Shut up, idiot' at the end.

Merlin : Yes, you can.

Arthur : Shut up idiot.

Chapter Text

Merlin : Do blind people see their dreams?

Merlin : Do deaf people hear their thoughts?

Arthur : Do you ever shut the fuck up?

Chapter Text

Merlin : ARTHUR CAN SUCK MY DICK !!!

Gwaine : But doesn't he already do that?

Chapter Text

Lancelot : Stay out of trouble.

Merlin : Not my strong suit.

Chapter Text

Arthur : If I died, how much would you miss me?

Merlin : It's cute that you think death can get you out of this relationship.

Chapter Text

Merlin : Come on, okay? You're beautiful. There's nothing you should be insecure about.

Arthur : That was way too emotionally supportive and I just need you to lock that shit down.

Chapter Text

Morgana : I found a dead rabbit on the side of the road and I cut its feet off and made it into a lucky charm for you.

Merlin : Morgana, you are so creepy! Thank you, I love it!

Chapter Text

Merlin : Sometimes I'll tell a joke and you won't laugh and it honestly offends me because I'm freaking hilarious.

Arthur : I know that. Why do you think 90% of my jokes are based on you?

Chapter Text

Merlin : Do you think I should lose the hat?

Gwen : I think you should burn it.

Gwen : Because, you know, if you lose it, you might find it again.

Chapter Text

Mordred : Have a good day!

Merlin : Don't tell me what to do!

Chapter Text

Kilgarrah : There is no future. There is no past.

Kilgarrah : Don't you see?

Kilgarrah : Time is simultaneous, an intricately structured jewel that humans insist on viewing one edge at a time, when the whole design is visible in every facet.

Merlin : ..............

Merlin : All I wanted to know was when your birthday is.

Chapter Text

Merlin : Wait, did you just flirt with me?

Arthur : Have been for the past years but thanks for noticing.

Chapter Text

Gwen : This is illegal !

Merlin and Morgana : Illegal is such a strong word.

Chapter Text

Merlin : Strength is forgiving someone who was never really sorry.

Morgana : Okay, not to be overdramatic but I would literally rather die.

Chapter Text

Mithian : You're much cleverer than your reputation suggests, Merlin.

Merlin : I have a reputation?

Chapter Text

Arthur : I have high standards.

(Merlin walks by)

Arthur : - and he, somehow, meets all of them.

Chapter Text

Uther Pendragon : Have you seen Arthur?

Merlin : Every part of him.

Uther Pendragon : ... What?!?!?!

Gaius : That's not what he meant, Merlin!!!

Merlin : Then what did he mea - ohhh!!!

Merlin : OHHHHHHH!!!!

Chapter Text

Gaius : Merlin, if you had only one hour left to live, what would you do?

Merlin : Arthu -

Gaius : I asked 'what' not 'who' !!!

Gaius : Can you try to be less gayer for a moment?

Chapter Text

Morgana : (To Arthur) The Kingdom of Camelot has fallen before my powerful might.

Morgana : The stone floors of your castle will run red with -

Morgana : (Looks down in surprise) When did you get hardwood?

Arthur : Oh, last week.

Morgana : Oh, it looks really nice.

Arthur : Thank you.

Morgana : Is that maple?

Arthur : It's oak, actually.

Morgana : Oh, oak! That's really nice! Very classy.

Morgana : I almost don't want to get anybody's blood on it.

(Morgana and Arthur laugh in agreement)

Morgana : BUT I WILL !!!

Chapter Text

Morgana : Welcome home, Guinevere of House Guinevere.

Morgana : I've taken the liberty of redecorating your abode. I hope you like it.

Gwen : (Looking around at the room filled with skulls and pictures of Morgana) Well ....

Morgana : I jest! For of course, I care nothing about you and your paltry tastes.

Morgana : I've burned your belongings and replaced them with tributes to my glory.

Morgana : This Kingdom is now mine !!!

Chapter Text

Arthur : I have returned to wage war once more !!!

Morgana : Ha!!!

Morgana : I will gladly wage war once more,

Morgana : And after the gore,

Morgana : You will wish for days of yore,

Morgana : Then you will bow before .....

Morgana : .... me

Arthur : Not until our blood runs cold and our bones molder on the floors

Merlin : (Thinking of how much cleaning he would have to do) Ewww!!! Can that not happen please?

Morgana : (Throws a cushion at Merlin) Silence!

Merlin : Ouuuchhh !!! That had a button on it !!!

Chapter Text

Arthur : I'm about to do something incredibly stupid

Gwaine : My best friend has a name, you know!!!

Chapter Text

Merlin : Arthur, choke me.

Arthur : Are you into that?

Merlin : No, I want to die.

Chapter Text

Arthur : Merlin, why is there a dead person in here?

Merlin : There was probably an alive person in here and then something happened and made them dead?

Arthur : Great analysis, Merlin!

Arthur : Now care to explain what you actually did?

Chapter Text

Arthur : You call this a diplomatic solution?

Morgana : No, I call this aggressive negotiations.

Chapter Text

Mordred : What's for lunch?

Merlin : Food, generally.

Mordred : No, I mean what are you having?

Merlin : An unwanted conversation.

Chapter Text

Gwen : Congratulations on getting engaged to Arthur, Merlin! Is there anything you want me to get you?

Merlin : Divorce papers.

Chapter Text

Lancelot : Are you okay? You look like you haven't had any sleep.

Merlin : I got a solid eight minutes.

Merlin : Not consecutively, but still.

Merlin : It's fine. You're not even that blurry.

Chapter Text

Arthur : You insufferable, reprehensible, deplorable, vermin!

Criminal : What?

Merlin : It’s aristocratic talk for “fuck off dipshit”.

Chapter Text

Gwaine : What do you mean? I’m not that dramatic!

Merlin : When I asked you why you were wearing a bejewelled tiara, you quoted the entirety of Shakespeare’s “all the worlds a stage” monologue from As You Like It and then broke down crying.

Merlin : And you know the scariest part?

Merlin : .......

Gwaine : ......

Merlin : You were sober.

Chapter Text

Leon : So, how’s life been?

Merlin : You know when you can’t sleep, so it’s just drowsy stretches of pain, and you don’t have the brain power to think, but you do have the nerve endings to suffer?

Leon : … Yeah?

Merlin : Yeah.

Chapter Text

King Uther : In our city, we boast a rate of 1 murder per capita!

Hunith : One murder per person? How is anyone alive there?

King Uther : Now you’re getting it.

Chapter Text

"You know what’s sad? How seldom wisdom and fun correlate.”

- Gwaine, to King Arthur and Gaius.

Chapter Text

Merlin : Legend says the sacred scrolls will be written in blood!

Morgana : Hm. Tell me, have you ever written in blood?

Merlin : No.

Morgana : Well it’s absolutely ghastly to write with! It coagulates inside the pen, it oxidises on the paper, and it clots before you can even get a drop on the paper!

Morgana : These are all reasons why that analogy should be expunged from the scrolls, dreadfully impractical.

Chapter Text

Merlin: How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

Arthur : Woodchucks can’t chuck wood anyway so it doesn’t fucking matter! Stop living in your hypothetical dream world of woodchucking woodchucks!

Gwaine, whispering to Merlin: He’s got a lot of anger about this topic.

Chapter Text

Arthur : Your crude language only highlights how inarticulate you are.

Merlin : Yeah? Well, you're a hubristic, intransigent, supercilious, insufferable piece of fucking shit!

Chapter Text

Merlin, to Arthur : Are you always this insufferable, or is this a special occasion? I must make sure to respond accordingly.

Chapter Text

King Uther Pendragon : Kneel.

Gwaine : Yes?

King Uther Pendragon : I won't ask you again. Kneel.

Gwaine: Ask me what again?

King Uther Pendragon : Kneel!

Gwaine: What?!

Merlin: Uhhhh, Your Majesty? Neal is a common name. N-E-A-L.

King Uther Pendragon: Very well, kneel, Neal!

Gwaine: Would you believe my last name is Neil? With an I?

King Uther Pendragon: Kneel, Neal Neil!

Gwaine to a grinning Merlin and an exasperated Arthur : It's not, I just wanted to hear him say that.

Chapter Text

Merlin : Arthur, what motivates you?

Arthur: My ambition and desire to push humanity forward!

Merlin : Morgana, what about you?

Morgana: An unhealthy mix of spite, pettiness, the thirst for vengeance, and pure, relentless rage.

Chapter Text

Morgana : I will have anticipated your every move, you're outplanned.

Merlin : Ha! Well I'm ALWAYS outplanned,because I never have one!

Chapter Text

Merlin : Give me an S! Give me a U! Give me a P! Give me an E! Give me an R! Give me a C! Give me an A! Gi-

Lancelot : What is Merlin cheering?

Arthur : Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious. We might be here awhile.

Chapter Text

Merlin : That bandit just threatened to kill me if I don’t stop talking.

Arthur : Why don’t you shut up then?

Merlin : No, the real question is, what does he define as “talking”?

Arthur : *unintelligible whale noises.*

Chapter Text

Gwaine : I think I can take him?

Merlin : You’re fighting Arthur? Just stay on your toes, he likes to head butt. It’ll be tough but I believe in you.

Gwaine : No. I’m fighting Percival.

Merlin : .......

Merlin : Can I have your stuff when you die?

Chapter Text

Arthur : Merlin… you look like shit

Merlin : Awww, thank you!

(Mordred is stood somewhere nearby watching with a confused expression)

Chapter Text

Merlin : So are you asking me to tell you what I would not tell you?

Aredian : First, I have no idea what you just said. Secondly, how about you just help me help you?

Merlin : Well, I don't know how to help you help me tell you something that would help you if I don't know it.

Aredian : ..........

Merlin : ............

Aredian : Are you doing this on purpose?

Chapter Text

Arthur : Merlin, think you can answer some questions without the usual level of sarcasm?

Merlin : If you can ask the questions without the usual level of stupid.

Chapter Text

Arthur : (sleepily) What are you doing?

Merlin : I'm - um - not doing anything.

Merlin : This is just a dream that you're having.

Arthur : Why are you going through my stuff?

Merlin : Right but only in a dream. Remember, dream. Dreaming.

Arthur : Why would I dream about you going through my stuff?

Merlin : I don't know that, Arthur, okay? It's your dream! Take responsibility for it!

Chapter Text

Arthur : Gwaine! Where's Merlin?

Gwaine : Sorry, Princess! I haven't seen him since the last time I saw him.

Arthur : When was that?

Gwaine : Last time I saw him?

Gwaine : It's definitely the time I saw him last !

Chapter Text

Arthur : Okay people, from now on we'll be using code names.

Arthur : You can address me as 'Eagle 1'

Arthur : Gwaine is 'Been there, done that'.

Arthur : Leon is 'Currently doing that'.

Arthur : Merlin is 'It happened once in a dream'.

Arthur : Gwen is 'If I had to pick a dude'.

Arthur : And Lancelot is .... 'Eagle 2'.

Lancelot : Oh thank god!

Chapter Text

Gwaine : Hey, Arthur. Wanna hear a joke about my dick?

Arthur : No.

Gwaine : Never mind, it's too long.

Arthur : Oh for the love of Camelot!

Merlin : Want to hear a joke about mine?

Arthur : Please stop.

Merlin : Never mind, you'll never get it.

Arthur : WHAT?

Gwaine : (Highfives Merlin) Nice !!! That's my boy !!!

Chapter Text

Merlin : Arthur, do you like water?

Arthur : Yes, of course, I like water. You need water for survival and frankly, I enjoy being alive.

Merlin : No, you're just supposed to say yes.

Arthur : Yes Merlin, I like water.

Merlin : (Grins cheekily) Good. Then you already like 72% of me.

Arthur : (Blushing) You're stupid and I hate you.

Chapter Text

Morgana : What's this look on your face?

Gwaine : What look?

Morgana : The kind of look that makes me want to punch you.

Gwaine : Oh my god, you're so Arthur's sister.

Chapter Text

Arthur : Gwaine, what the hell is wrong with Merlin?

Gwaine : Well, he's completed only fifty of the hundred and fifty chores you've given him, he's a little socially awkward, and if you look close enough his jawline is kinda uneven.

Chapter Text

Arthur : If Guinevere wants to take a long walk alone in the woods, why should I care?

Gaius : Sire, we have a pretty good idea that Guinevere might be - you know - turning ....

Arthur : Turning?

Merlin : Yeah, turning ...

Arthur : Into ?

Merlin : A unicorn! What do you think, clotpole?

Merlin : She's turning evil !

Chapter Text

Arthur : Part of me wants to ask, the other part says knowing will be more disturbing than anything I could ever imagine.

Arthur : So - Uuuh - I'm going to walk away.

Merlin : That's good. That's a wise choice, Arthur.

Chapter Text

(Gwaine and Merlin negotiating with a bandit)

Gwaine : Hey, you confess to your crimes....

Merlin : And then you devote your life to abstinence.

Arthur : How do you two losers even survive?

Arthur : This is how you do it.

(Merlin and Gwaine watches Arthur punch the bandit)

Gwaine : Oh yeah! That's excessive.

Merlin : That'll bruise.

Gwaine : Wow.

Merlin : Okay.

(The bandit finally confesses to his crimes and Arthur smirks at Gwaine and Merlin)

Chapter Text

Gwaine : We found him like that!

Arthur : Where? Swimming in the Fountain of Youth?

Merlin : No, we found him buried in a tomb of wolfsbane, in an ancient temple in Essetier, underneath a church in the middle of a town that was destroyed by an earthquake.

Arthur : You told me you were camping!

Merlin : Yeah we were!

Gwaine : In Essetier.

Chapter Text

Morgana : I'm sure they've told you a lot about me.

Gwaine : The homicidal killing spree came up.

Morgana : Well, we're all works in progress.

Chapter Text

Arthur : In less than an hour, an aircraft from here will be joining others from around the world. And you will be launching the largest aerial battle in the history of mankind.

Gwen : WHAT?

Arthur : Mankind, that word should have new meaning for all of us today.

Gwen : What the hell is he talking about?

Merlin : He does this every year.

Gwen : Seriously?

Merlin : Yeah.

Arthur : We're fighting for our right to live!

Gwen : Wait, is this -

Merlin : Yeah. It's the speech from Independence Day.

Gwen : Mmmhmmm

Arthur : But as the day the world declared in one voice -

Merlin : It's Arthur's favorite movie.

Arthur : WE WILL NOT GO QUIETLY INTO THE NIGHT!!!

Gwen : He doesn't know any other speeches?

Merlin : Yeah, I don't think he cares.

Arthur : TODAY WE CELEBRATE OUR INDEPENDENCE DAY !!!!

Chapter Text

Mordred : Mother trucker dude! That hurt like a butt cheek on a stick!

Merlin : Watch your profanity!

Chapter Text

Merlin : Did you hang out with Vivian last night?

Arthur : You know, yeah I did.

Merlin : Oh, I love Vivian.

Arthur : You hate Vivian.

Merlin : YEAH NO SHIT, HONEY!!!

Chapter Text

Morgana : I would walk through fire for you guys.

Morgana : Well maybe not fire, but like a super humid room.

Morgana : But not too humid, because my hair.

Chapter Text

Merlin : I thought this was going to be our year.

Morgana : I couldn't even hold it together for a week.

Chapter Text

(Getting ready for a mission)

Merlin : Are we leaving?

Arthur : No, I'm leaving. Me, by myself.

Merlin : Oh, fabulous. I'll get my things.

Chapter Text

Merlin : (Wearing one of Arthur's shirts)

Gaius : I know you spent the night with Arthur.

Merlin : (internally) Quick, act dumb!

Merlin : Who's Arthur?

Merlin : (internally) Not that dumb!

Chapter Text

Morgana : Sorry I'm late. Had to get my axe sharpened.

Arthur : Why do have an axe? Also, nice axe.

Chapter Text

Merlin : (noticeably disheveled as they enter the room)

Merlin : Sorry I'm late. I was doing stuff.

Gwaine : (also disheveled and grinning smugly)

Gwaine : I'm stuff.

Chapter Text

Gwaine, handing Mordred one glass of mead : Excellent work today, Mordred.

Arthur : Gwaine, no! He's a kid!

Gwaine: Oh!

Gwaine : .....

Gwaine, handing Mordred the second glass of mead : You're a growing boy.

Arthur : GWAINE NO -

Chapter Text

Arthur : Wow. Doesn't take much to get you tow on a crusade, does it?

Merlin : Barely anything.

Gwaine : Almost nothing.

Chapter Text

Merlin : I'm proud to identify as moronsexual. I'm attracted to dumbasses and dumbasses exclusively.

Merlin : The other day, Gwaine asked me what the Spanish word for tortilla was and now I dream of kissing him under the moonlight.

Arthur : What kind of animal is the Pink Panther?

Merlin : (Already taking off his clothes) Sire, you're so fucking stupid.

Chapter Text

Mordred : Merlin, it's like you don't even care. I mean what if I die?

Merlin : Then you would have a funeral.

Mordred : I mean, like what would you do?

Merlin : I would go to the funeral.

Chapter Text

Gwen : If you kill a killer, the number of killers in the world stays the same.

Morgana : Kill two.

Chapter Text

Arthur : Are you okay? Your lip -

Merlin : (Who earlier managed to trip over and split his lip)

Merlin : I got into a fight

Arthur : .....

Merlin : I was super badass, you should have seen me. I was epic.

Arthur : Did you really get into a fight?

Merlin : (Quietly) No.

Chapter Text

Morgana : My powers have doubled since the last time we met, Emrys.

Merlin : Two times zero is still zero.

Chapter Text

Arthur : Oh, sorry. I fell asleep while I was waiting on you to make me a sandwich.

Merlin : Go back to sleep and starve.

Chapter Text

Arthur : (Tapping his fingers on the table)

Merlin : (Tapping fingers back furiously)

Gwaine : What is going on?

Lancelot : They're talking in morse code.

Arthur : -. --- / ..- .-. / -.... . / -.-. ..- - . ... -

Merlin : (Slams hands on table) YOU FUCKING TAKE THAT BACK!!!

Chapter Text

Arthur : I have something to tell you, Gwen.

Arthur : I love Merlin.

Gwen : .....

Arthur : ......

Gwen : Yeah, I know. You talk in your sleep a lot.

Chapter Text

Gaius : Okay, who else thought Merlin was my son?

Gaius : Merlin, put your hand down!

Chapter Text

Gwaine : I was in a race once.

Gwaine : Well, I called it a race, the guards called it 'resisting arrest'.

Gwaine : They're mad when they lose.

Chapter Text

Arthur : Merlin and I are no longer friends!

Merlin : Arthur, that is the worst way to tell people we are dating.

Chapter Text

Gwaine : If you think about it, the Z is only a N in reverse.

Arthur : Gwaine, stop it.

Gwaine : ..........

Gwaine : Zo.

Chapter Text

Gwaine : (Flirts with Merlin)

Lancelot : You're awfully quiet, Arthur.

Arthur : (Looking at Gwaine) Nobody plans a murder out loud.

Chapter Text

Arthur : Maybe my father was wrong. Maybe sorcery isn't all evil. Don't you have anything to say about magic, Merlin?

Merlin : Not unless everyone gets real cool about a bunch of stuff really quickly.

Chapter Text

Gaius : Remember the key words for a warlock.

Gaius : Preparation, preparation, preparation.

Merlin : That's one word, three times.

Chapter Text

Gwaine : What are you doing?

Merlin : Practicing a charm to make pigs fly.

Gwaine : Why?

Merlin : Arthur said he'd go out with me 'when pigs fly'

Gwaine : ......

Merlin : ........

Gwaine : LETS DO IT!!!!

Chapter Text

Lancelot : So, I'm thinking a spring, maybe fall wedding, I don't want it to be too hot though.

Gwen : Sweetheart, we aren't engaged.

Lancelot : SO THAT'S WHAT I FORGOT TO DO LAST NIGHT

Chapter Text

Merlin : We need your help.

Morgana : Great, who are we killing?

Morgana: I won't do kids. That's a rule.

Morgana : But that rule is negotiable if the kid's a dick.

Chapter Text

Arthur : So how did you convince all the Knights of the Round Table to betray me?

Arthur : What did you offer them?

Merlin : I asked them if they wanted to embarrass you and they instantly said yes.

Arthur : I'm not going to lie, that turns me on a bit.

Chapter Text

Arthur : Can everyone stop it for a second ?!

Everyone : (Goes quiet)

Merlin : (Stops running his hand through Arthur's hair)

Arthur : Wait, no, not you Merlin. Keep doing that.

Chapter Text

Gwaine : (Runs into the council meeting) What did I miss?

Morgana : The oppressive patriarchal values that dictate our life.

Gwaine : Oh okay

Chapter Text

Gwaine : If I was the last person on earth, would you date me?

Merlin : Gwaine, if you were the last person on earth, I wouldn't exist.

Chapter Text

Arthur : And worst of all, I had Merlin greet him.

Uther Pendragon : What did you have him do?

Arthur : Be himself.

Uther Pendragon : Poor son of a bitch.

Chapter Text

(At the Tavern)

Arthur : Can you magically make everyone kind, sober and fully dressed?

Gwaine : "Kind, sober, and fully dressed.". Good news, everyone, we found the name of the Princess' sex tape !!!

Chapter Text

Gwaine : Is Gaius your real name?

Gaius : Yes.

Gwaine : Do you like it?

Gaius : It's fine.

Gwaine : Would you rather be named Bill?

Gaius : No.

Gwaine : Frank?

Gaius : No.

Gwaine : Mike?

Gaius : No.

Gwaine : Bob?

Gaius : No.

Gwaine : Ed?

Gaius : (To Merlin) Does this belong to you?

Chapter Text

(Uther Pendragon is trying to break up a quarrel between Arthur and Morgana)

Uther Pendragon : Will there be a time that I don't have to send you two to opposite corners of the room?

(Arthur and Morgana share a look)

Morgana : When hell freezes over.

Arthur : And the people down there finally get that glass of ice water they've been waiting on.

Morgana : (Laughs) I like that one !!!

Arthur : I know right ! I came up with that one just now!

Morgana : Ooooh, pretty and quick witted.

Arthur : What can I say, Princess of Darkness? I'm a total package.

(Uther Pendragon facepalms)

Chapter Text

Arthur : Morgana, I am not in denial.

Morgana : Yes, you are. You're just denying you're in denial.

Arthur : Morgana, dear, I am not denying I'm in denial.

Morgana : If you're not denying you're in denial, then you're in denial.

Arthur : Look, fluffhead. Why should I deny being in denial? I never said I was in denial.

Arthur : YOU are the one who said I was in denial and don't you deny it.

Chapter Text

Arthur : Are you kidding? Stick my tongue to that stupid pole? That's dumb!

Gwaine : That's because you know it'll stick!

Arthur : You're full of it!

Gwaine : Oh yeah?

Arthur : Yeah !

Gwaine : Well, I double - DOG - dare ya !!!

Merlin : (narrating the conversation likes a sports announcer) Now, it's serious! A double - dog - dare ! What else is there but a 'triple dare you'? And then, the coup de grace of all dares, the sinister triple dog dare !!!

Gwaine : I TRIPLE - DOG - DARE YA !!!!

Merlin : (still narrating) Gwaine has created a slight breach of etiquette by skipping the triple dare and going right for the throat !!!

Chapter Text

Arthur : I'm ignoring you.

Merlin : ..........

Arthur : I said, I'm ignoring you.

Merlin : ...........

Arthur : Stop ignoring me ignoring you !!!!

Chapter Text

(When Gwaine and Merlin are doing some undercover recon)

Guard : Look, Lady Morgana's not seeing any recruits today. Okay?

Gwaine : That's okay, buddy. We're from the union.

Guard : The union?

Merlin : We represent the fighters in all secret magical organizations, both evil and benign.

Guard : Oh, of course.

Gwaine : Are you feeling at all degraded or oppressed?

Guard : A little. We don't even have dental.

Merlin : (To Gwaine, shaking his head) They don't even have dental.

Merlin : Okay, we're going to have a look around. And, buddy, it would be better if Morgana doesn't know about this. Know what I mean? Hmm?

Chapter Text

Arthur : What are you trying to get rid of me for ? You got plans?

Merlin : As a matter of fact, I do.

Arthur : I don't like it when you have plans.

Merlin : I'm allowed to have plans on my birthday.

Arthur : It's your birthday?

Merlin : Yes.

Arthur : I knew that .... Already?

Merlin : Yeah, isn't that strange? It's the same day as last year.

Arthur : Well, get yourself something nice from me.

Merlin : I already did.

Arthur : Yeah? And?

Merlin : Oh it's very nice .... very tasteful. Thank you, prat.

Arthur : You're welcome, idiot.

Chapter Text

Arthur : You're dumping me for him?

Gwen : No, I'm dumping you, period. And then I'm going to be with him. Period. If .... that's okay with him, question mark.

Lancelot : Totally. Exclamation point.

Arthur : Oh puke. Parenthesis, bold, underline.

Chapter Text

Morgana : So, who broke it? I'm not mad, I just want to know.

Gwen : I did, I broke it -

Morgana : No, no, you didn't. Arthur?

Arthur : Don't look at me. Look at Merlin.

Merlin : What? I didn't break it!

Morgana : Hmmm. That's weird. How did you even know it was broken?

Merlin : Because it's sitting right in front of us, and it's broken.

Morgana : No, it's not!

Leon : If it matters .... probably not .... Gwaine was the last one to use it.

Gwaine : Liar! I don't even drink that crap.

Leon : Oh really? Then what were you doing by the tea stand at Camelot earlier?

Gwaine : I use the wooden stirrers to push back my cuticles. Everyone knows that, Leon!

Gwen : Alright, let's not fight. I broke it, let me pay for it Morgana.

Morgana : No. Who broke it?

Merlin : Arthur's been awfully quiet ....

Arthur : Really ?!

Merlin : Yeah, really !

(Cut to Morgana in another room, the rest of them fighting in the background)

Morgana : I broke it. I burned my hand so I punched it. I predict ten minutes from now on, they'll be at each other's throats with warpaint on their faces and a pig head on a stick.

Morgana : Good. It was getting a little chummy around here.

Chapter Text

(Morgana giving Gwaine a quiz from a 'Camelot High' Magazine she 'borrowed' from Gwen)

Morgana : Your best friend borrows your lip gloss .... (dramatic gasp) without asking !!!

Gwaine : (Dramatic gasp)

Morgana : What do you do? A. Find a new best friend, B. Push her down a flight of stairs, or C.....

Gwen : What?! It doesn't say that !

Morgana : Well yeah, but I think it should definitely be an option!

Gwaine : I pick B .... Down the stairs she goes !

Chapter Text

Merlin : You don't trust anyone, that's your problem.

Morgana : I trust my hair stylist.

Chapter Text

(As Merlin serves Arthur dinner)

Arthur (suspicious) : What is this?

Merlin : Steak.

Arthur : What is in it?

Merlin : .... Cow?

Chapter Text

Arthur (shouting) : Merlin, uh, how big are your hands?

Merlin : What?

Arthur : How big are your hands?

Merlin : I don't understand why ....

Arthur : Get down here ! I need you !

Chapter Text

"The moment you think you know what's going on in a woman's head is the moment your goose is well and truly cooked."

- Gwaine giving the knights a little well deserved advice.

Chapter Text

Mordred : Merlin, stay!

Merlin : I'm not your poodle, Mordred !

Chapter Text

Gwaine : You need some lady advice.

Arthur : I'd rather get a lap dance from a troll.

Chapter Text

Gwen : I don't want to hurt their feelings.

Morgana : Hurt their feel - Do you just walk around all day thinking about other peoples' feelings?

Gwen : Yeah, don't you?

Morgana : NO! How do you get anything done?

Chapter Text

Morgana : How can any of you defeat me, when I've already won?

Merlin : You haven't won.

Morgana : Perhaps you haven't noticed the state of Camelot.

Merlin : It's almost bad as your dress but at least Camelot can be saved !

Chapter Text

Gwaine : I used to know this guy named Anthony.

Merlin : ..... And ?

Gwaine : You know, not every story has to be interesting.

Chapter Text

Merlin : There's also the .... Arthur of it all. We very recently took things to the next level.

Gwaine : (narrowing his eyes) He hasn't defiled you, has he?

Chapter Text

Leon (irritated) : Mordred, what took you so long?

Mordred : I'm sorry, Leon. I had to wait, uh, three hundred years for a virgin to light a candle.

Chapter Text

Merlin : Look, I made a spoon hat !

Arthur : Well, that explains why I'm having to eat my soup with a fork.

Chapter Text

"Arthur! You're forcing me to be the voice of reason here, and it's NOT a good look for me!"

- Gwaine shouting at Arthur as he storms away after an argument.

Chapter Text

"Everyone keeps saying I'm special, that I'm the only one who can bring about the golden age of Albion, but nobody gave me a fucking instruction manual!"

- Merlin.

Chapter Text

"I think it's great! For Arthur. Merlin might be able to do better."

- Gwaine on hearing the news of Merlin's and Arthur's engagement.

Chapter Text

Gwaine : Oh, oh! I've got a great idea about what we can do tonight!

Merlin : The last time you said that we had to get your stomach pumped.

Chapter Text

Lancelot : Arthur, are you crying?

Arthur : Pollen.

Chapter Text

Mordred : Is he dead?

Merlin : (sarcastically) No, he's just having a wee lie - down.

Chapter Text

Mordred : Let's say the tables were turned. If I were about to walk off a cliff, what would you do?

Merlin : Push.

Mordred : I don't believe that.

Merlin : You would on the way down.

Chapter Text

Arthur : Wow. You know everyone of my stories.

Merlin : And you know every one of mine. I guess it's official: we're an old married couple.

Arthur : Nice !

Merlin : We did it!

Chapter Text

"I would pity you if I wasn't so busy imagining you on fire."

- Morgana to Uther Pendragon.

Chapter Text

(Uther Pendragon lying on the floor)

Arthur : Is he gonna be alright?

Merlin : I don't know. Does he normally lay like that without moving?

Chapter Text

Merlin : Years ago, I lost my dear husband Arthur.

Arthur : Quit telling everyone I'm dead!

Merlin : Sometimes, I can still hear his voice!

Chapter Text

Morgana : Look, it's Arthur ! Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Merlin : Yeah, let's push him down the stairs.

Chapter Text

"I honestly can't even tell the two of you apart half the time, because I don't go by height or age, I go by amount of pain in my ass, which makes you both identical."

- Arthur to Merlin and Gwaine.

Chapter Text

Merlin : We're going now.

Lancelot (to Merlin and Gwaine) : Alright, wait a minute. No drinking, no drugs, no kissing, no tattoos, no piercings, no ritual animal slaughters of any kind.

Lancelot : Oh, God, I'm giving them ideas.

Chapter Text

Uther Pendragon : Young, Blonde, Pissed Off.

Morgana : Sound like anybody we know?

Uther Pendragon : Hmmphhh.

Chapter Text

Uther Pendragon : So Gaius, what's your biggest pet peeve?

Gaius : Seeing people attempt to sound smart by using lengthy words and misusing them.

Arthur : I totally photosynthesis with this.

Chapter Text

Uther Pendragon : So Gaius, what's your biggest pet peeve?

Gaius : Seeing people attempt to sound smart by using lengthy words and misusing them.

Arthur : I totally photosynthesis with this.

Chapter Text

(Morgana is late for a banquet)

"Is Morgana drawing out on the suspense to make a grander entrance? Will she be arriving on flying swans?"

- a very annoyed King Uther Pendragon

Chapter Text

Arthur: Don't you think a royal crown suits me?

Merlin : Of course, Your Majesty!

Merlin : It makes your head look smaller. Almost back to normal size.

Chapter Text

Arthur : Describe me as ruggedly handsome with a sexual prowess of a lion

Merlin : (snickers quietly)

Arthur : (glares at Merlin)

Merlin : (shocked) Oh dear lord, you were serious.

Chapter Text

Arthur : I was shocked I assure you.

Arthur : As my husband will attest, I'm not a judgmental person.

(Few Moments of Awkward Silence)

Arthur : (looks sharply at his husband)

Arthur : Merlin?

Merlin : (wearing a saintly expression) He's really not.

Chapter Text

Arthur : Thought I might go on a ride to clear my head.

Merlin : But you're not wearing your riding clothing.

Arthur : How foolish.

Chapter Text

"I don't carry poison everywhere. I might accidentally kill myself."

- Morgana

Chapter Text

Merlin : I've been looking for you everywhere. I was sent to find you.

Gwaine : I was riding.

Merlin : Really?

Merlin : Who?

Chapter Text

Gwaine : To see you smile is to feel the sun, Merlin.

Merlin : (flustered and exasperated) Do you flirt with everyone?

Gwaine : Absolutely everyone.

Chapter Text

Morgana : Father, I came as soon as I heard.

Morgana : Is it true you're terribly ill?

Uther Pendragon : You sound so hopeful.

Chapter Text

Morgana : Gwen has told me many wonderful things about you.

Lancelot : You're too kind.

Morgana : I'm not. Truly.

Chapter Text

Arthur : What are you after?

Morgana : Do I have to be after something? This is the one moment I'm not being beastly. Is that really what people think of me?

Arthur : Only the ones that know you.

Chapter Text

Merlin : I'll pour you a bath. You smell.

Merlin : Wake up lazy daisy!

Arthur : (groans and tries to get back to sleep)

Merlin : (pours a jug of cold water over Arthur)

Merlin : Here's a head start.

Chapter Text

"I wake up in the morning, do what I should do, what I need to do, do what I can do ... then I read a bit, think a bit, feel bad a bit ... determined to cheer myself up!"

- Merlin, to Daddy Leon and Mommy Lancelot

Chapter Text

A noble man : I am fluent in Latin so -

Morgana : Oh do shut up! Please. And I'd appreciate it if you might leave as well.

Chapter Text

A noble man : Why don't we get to know one another?

Morgana : What?

A noble man : Over tea?

Morgana : Tea?

A noble man : You don't like tea?

Morgana : I don't like you.

Chapter Text

Arthur : We must think practically. We need to buy a horse.

Merlin : Do you have any idea how much a horse costs?

Arthur : Of course. I once bought fifty well bred horses.

Arthur : I'm sure some swayback farmers nag costs barely nothing.

Chapter Text

"A King must always deliver good news in person. Bad news should be sent by a messenger. Or let them find out on their own."

- King Uther Pendragon to Prince Arthur Pendragon

Chapter Text

"I just want to sit and stare at nothing and silently scream for the rest of time."

- Merlin

Chapter Text

Arthur : I'm sorry I yelled at you.

Uther Pendragon : I'm sorry I threw away all your baby portraits.

Arthur : WHAT?

Uther Pendragon : Yeah, well. Your manservant took them out of the trash but but they are covered with horse shit.

Chapter Text

Arthur : I think we should practice your break up. I'll be Alvarr. Go on.

Morgana : Alvarr, I think we should break up.

Arthur : That makes me feel sad. I'm sad.

Morgana : Your sadness is noted.

Arthur : I feel acknowledged. Thank you for breaking up with me. It would take me eight minutes to collect my things.

Arthur : (to Morgana who looks confident) I think that went very well.

Chapter Text

Arthur : (absolutely drunk as he calls out to his Merlin, Gwaine, Lancelot and Leon)

Arthur : Hey!!! I dare you guys to dare us to make out !!!

Merlin : (shaking his head at Arthur who is standing in front of a mirror) Hey Arthur? You know that's your reflection you want to make out with?

Chapter Text

Lancelot : I've been chasing him for a month.

Arthur : Oh a month !!! I've been chasing Morgana for eight years !!! Do you know how many months that is?

Lancelot : Ninety six

Arthur : Eighty forty years months ...

Gaius : Do you need a math tutor? Because the Royal Council will provide one for you.

Arthur : I can't tell if you're being serious.

Chapter Text

Arthur : I recognize that vase. Personalized carved birch wood.

Arthur : (indignantly) Of course, I recognize that! It's mine!

Chapter Text

Merlin : I figured out a way to buy Arthur something and trick him into accepting it.

Gwaine : You are so bad.

Merlin : I know right !!!!

Merlin : Oh wait ... you're making fun of me.

Gwaine : Yeah.

Merlin : Well, I don't care. I left it in a cardboard box on his desk. There's no card ... just the words 'open now' which I wrote with my wrong hand so he wouldn't recognize my handwriting.

Gwaine : So just to recap, you left an unmarked package on the King of Camelot's desk on a random morning with a suspicious message written on it that looked like it was scrawled by a crazy person.

Merlin : Mmmhhmm.

(One moment later)

Arthur : (Comes out of his room in a hurry) THERE'S A THREAT TO THE KINGDOM !!! EVERYONE OUT OF THE CASTLE NOW !!!! THIS IS NOT A DRILL !!!

Gwaine : (Grins at Merlin who looks shocked) Great gift Merls.

Chapter Text

Merlin : All mum ever wanted was your love. To be with you. Not a fancy house!

Merlin : Could you even give her a moment?

(Leon shakes his head trying to shush Merlin but Merlin has gone too far)

Merlin : What with your stupid job requiring you to travel to Essetier every week!

Merlin : You never had any time for her but you made time for your work and YOUR PROSTITUTES !!!

(In a distance, Gwaine's laughter can be heard)

Chapter Text

Arthur : Does flowers seem like we're trying too hard?

Morgana : A little.

Morgana : Are we flower people?

Morgana : I feel like we're not flower people.

Chapter Text

Gwaine : Are you sweating from the heat or from fear?

Merlin : From the fear. I'm terrified.

Chapter Text

Arthur : I can't hit her !!!

Merlin : Wack her !!!

Chapter Text

Arthur : Merlin and I are getting married.

Gwaine : How? What? How?

Uther Pendragon : (Feeling faint) Three excellent questions.

Chapter Text

Gwaine : I NEED EVERYONE TO SHUT UP AND ANSWER ONE SIMPLE QUESTION !!!

(Everyone goes silent)

Gwaine : YOU SONS OF BITCHES READY TO PARTY ????????

Chapter Text

Gwen : Have you ever liked somebody so much that you want to lock yourself in your room, turn on the sad music and cry?

Merlin and Morgana : (remembering the times they had an intense crush and locked themselves in their rooms and cried)

Merlin and Morgana : No.

Chapter Text

Morgana : How long have you been knights?

Gwaine : ......

Percival : ......

Gwaine : What time is it?

Percival : It's 12. 22

Gwaine : About seven hours.

Chapter Text

Arthur : Who wants to kill me?

(Merlin, Morgana, Gwaine and nearly everyone in the room raises their hands)

Chapter Text

Leon : (taking a sip of the tea and then spitting it out)

Leon : Is there mead in this?

Gwaine : (Looking hungover, takes the cup of tea from Leon)

Gwaine : Oh yeah, that's mine.

Chapter Text

Morgana : I know my history is a little .... colorful.

Morgana : But is wasn't that bad.

Arthur : You burnt down thirty villages.

Chapter Text

Gwen : Take a herb crusted capon.

Morgana : No thanks.

Gwen : What do you mean no thanks? I made these. Eat one!

Morgana : Um - I just entered the feast -

Gwen : And you're starving! Eat it!

Morgana : There's hair in that.

Gwen : Just eat around it!

Chapter Text

Arthur : Morgana is beyond reason but she is of Camelot.

Arthur : And she is my sister.

Leon : She killed eighty people in two days.

Arthur : .......

Arthur : She's adopted.

Chapter Text

Merlin : You'd do that for me?

Gwaine : I'd do a lot of things to you.

Merlin : (confused) For me?

Gwaine : Yeah, that too.

Chapter Text

Gwaine : (to Merlin) I need to update my resume. Would you put daydrinking under experience or special skills?

Chapter Text

Arthur : You really got to learn how to speak to women.

Merlin : What? I speak to women.

Arthur : Yeah, your mother.

Merlin : What's your point?

Chapter Text

Merlin : Metaphors are going to go over your head.

Arthur : Nothing goes over my head. My reflexes are too fast.

Chapter Text

Merlin : Hey, is the moon in here?

Lancelot : (Covering himself and Gwen) MERLIN !!!!

Merlin : I can't change the tide if the moon won't cooperate !!!

Lancelot : GET OUT OF HERE !!!

Chapter Text

Gwaine : Two tankards of mead.

Arthur : Oh, I don't want a drink.

Gwaine : Didn't order you a drink.

Chapter Text

Arthur : So how's school?

Morgana : Well, in my mechanics class, we're learning how to calculate the velocity of free falling objects in a ...

Morgana : (Sees Arthur doze off)

Morgana: School's hard.

Chapter Text

Arthur : I sort of did something and I need your advice but I don't want a lot of judgement and criticism.

Morgana : And you came to me?

Chapter Text

Arthur : Merlin has been lazing off his duties. But I've got a revenge plan.

Morgana : Sorry, I just remembered that I don't really care.

Chapter Text

"Anytime a woman challenges a man in anyway, suddenly she's crazy. So what did she do that was so crazy, Arthur? Give you her opinion?"

- Morgana Pendragon.

Chapter Text

Arthur : Oh, I'm sorry. Were you trying to read?

Merlin : You're the one who tries to read.

Chapter Text

Gwaine : Hey, ya'll. What's going down?

Arthur : My opinion of you.

Chapter Text

Uther Pendragon : Why do I always have to be the bad guy?

Arthur : I don't know. Why am I the pretty one? We all have our thing.

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Leon : Your mind is so brilliant. If you put this much effort into your work as a knight, there is no telling the things that -

Gwaine : Why do you have to ruin everything?

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Arthur : I'm just reading my horoscope.

Merlin : Liar. Why would anyone read their horoscope so late in the day? Everything's already happened.

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"I barely got ten hours of sleep last night."

- Merlin.

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Arthur : I DON'T UNDERSTAND YOU !!!

Merlin : NEITHER DO I !!!

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"With great hotness comes great responsibility."

- Gwaine to Merlin, Arthur, Leon, Lancelot, Gwen and literally everyone he meets.

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"I, Gwaine, Knight of Camelot, shall do my level best to make every event too much !!!"

- Gwaine.

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Leon : Were you drinking?

Gwaine : Leon, do we really have to do this?

Gwaine : You ask if I was drinking, I say 'no', and we both know that's not true.

Chapter Text

Merlin : Hi Arthur.

Gwaine : Arthur Pendragon !!!

Merlin : Stop it.

Gwaine : CHEESE SOUFFLE !!!

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Merlin (to Gwen) : How could Arthur possibly know? Who could have told him?

(Gwen and Merlin turn to see a grinning Gwaine)

Gwaine (defensively) : He made me !!!

Merlin : How did Arthur make you?

Gwaine : I was like 'Wanna hear a great Merlin story?" and he said 'Yes!'

Chapter Text

Lancelot : Merlin, tell Arthur he's going to do great.

Merlin : You're going to do great.

Leon : The truth.

Merlin : You're going to die.

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"Come on, Arthur. You're not really mad at me. You like when we tangle. That's what you like about me. You just don't want to admit it."

Merlin to an angry Arthur.

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Merlin : What does that even mean?

Gwaine : What does anything mean out of a mouth of a girl?

Arthur : I mean, I used to tell Gwen, clear as day, 'Guinevere, I'll buy you a house and I'll be yours forever and I'll buy you chocolate.'

Arthur : You know what she said?

Merlin : .......

Gwaine : ......

Arthur : I don't want you to buy me a house, I don't want the chocolate and I don't like you'.

Arthur : How am I supposed to understand that?

Merlin : ......

Merlin : I understand it.

Chapter Text

Gwen (to Gwaine) : Don't hit on me in front of Arthur !

Arthur : Guinevere !

Gwen : Don't hit on me in front of Lancelot !

Lancelot : Guinevere !

Gwen (teasingly to Lancelot) : You, me, Gwaine and Arthur. We're better than a triangle! We're a quadrangle!

Chapter Text

Gwaine : Somebody in this room is going to be very surprised to see me !!!

Gwen : Is it me?

Gwaine : Definitely not sugar, but could you be any cuter?

Gwen : Well, I can't answer that.

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Merlin : I have changed the life of somebody in this room !!!

Arthur : Oh please, not me.

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Merlin : I have changed the life of somebody in this room !!!

Arthur : Oh please, not me.

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Gwen : I know that you're a good person.

Morgana : Possibly. Probably. In a thousand years.

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Arthur : I was a jerk. I'm sorry about tonight.

Merlin : I'm sorry about tonight. We found the title for Arthur's follow up sex tape.

(Merlin high fives a grinning Morgana while Gwaine laughs)

Chapter Text

Gwaine : Maybe if we set the woods on fire ....

Leon : Oh yeah, that's a no!

Chapter Text

Lancelot : Are you drunk?

Gwaine : I think so.

Merlin : Wow, this is escalating fast.

Chapter Text

Arthur : She's just pissed off because she can't hang out with Alvarr !!!

Morgana : Alvarr? Who's Alvarr?

Arthur : Her new boyfriend !

Morgana : You're such a douchebag, Arthur !!!

Chapter Text

Gwaine : In my country, there's a saying that means "Love is just around the corner"

Gwaine : I come from a neighborhood with a lot of prostitutes

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Merlin : OWWW !!! DAMN IT !!!!

Merlin : I cut my finger !!!

Arthur : Haha Happy Halloween !!!

Merlin : No, really, I cut myself, look.

Gwaine : Wow that looks great. What did you use to make the blood?

Merlin : A knife. I'm actually hurt.

Leon : Oh, great production value, Merlin. I'm very impressed.

Chapter Text

Arthur : Can you forgive me?

Morgana : It will take some time.

Arthur : As much as you need.

Morgana : And some dresses.

Arthur : As many as you want.

Morgana : And some shoes.

Arthur : You're angry now.

Chapter Text

Morgana : Why do I always have to come to Arthur's jousting matches?

Uther Pendragon : Because you love your brother.

Morgana : Why don't you make him come to my orchestra recitals?

Uther Pendragon : Because I love your brother.

Chapter Text

Arthur : So how was Merlin ? I hope you weren't too bored.

Morgana : Oh please, are you kidding me?

Morgana : I love talking to him. He knows more words than you and Uther combined.

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Gwaine : Everybody has a bad friend that teaches you a few things.

Gwaine : Like how to drink, how to pick - pocket, how to break out of dungeons, how to lie to people by telling them the truth but manipulating them into thinking that it's a lie.

Arthur : (Clearly disturbed) Which friend is this?

Gwaine : I am the friend. (High-fives Merlin)

Chapter Text

Gwen : So dumb guys go for dumb girls and smart guys go for dumb girls? What do the smart girls get?

Merlin : Cats, mostly.

Chapter Text

Leon : You could try exercising.

Merlin : This is no time for jokes, Leon.

Chapter Text

Merlin : (Screams in terror)

(Arthur and the knights rush to see what's wrong)

Merlin : (runs out of Arthur's room)

Arthur : Merlin, what in the name of Camelot is wrong?

Merlin : There is some shriveled up animal in the bath tub.

Arthur (takes a look and glares at Merlin) : That's my father, Merlin.

Chapter Text

Uther Pendragon : Arthur, don't you have something to say to Morgana?

Arthur : I'm sorry I threw wine into your face.

Uther Pendragon : Morgana?

Morgana : I'm sorry you're my brother.

Chapter Text

Morgana : Lose the purse and I'll take you seriously.

Gwen : But it goes with my shoes !!!

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Arthur : Can somebody tell me what etiquette is ?

(Gwaine and Merlin raises their hands)

Arthur : No, you can't.

Chapter Text

Arthur : You're late to the council meeting, Gwaine.

Merlin : Oh don't worry, Arthur. You wrote him a note.

Arthur : I did?

Gwaine : He did?

Merlin : You did.

(Merlin hands over the note to Arthur who reads it aloud)

Arthur : (Reads the note) "Gwaine is late. Deal with it."

Arthur : Well, you got my signature down pretty good this time.

Merlin : Oh it was easy. You write like a girl.

Chapter Text

Uther Pendragon : As your King, I absolutely cannot condone it.

Uther Pendragon : But as a father, I say right on !

Chapter Text

Merlin : Where are you going?

Gwaine : To the tavern or to commit a felony. I'll decide on my way.

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"Don't do anything I would do. And definitely don't do anything that I wouldn't do."

- Gwaine

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Lancelot : It's four 'o' clock in the morning. Why on earth are you making chocolate pudding?

Merlin : Because I've lost control of my life.

Chapter Text

Merlin : How are you?

Morgana : Miserable, darling, as usual. Perfectly wretched.

Chapter Text

Gwen : I like this boy ... but he likes someone else.

Merlin : Obviously this boy is a complete moron.

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Gwaine : Anyway you need people of intelligence on this sort of ....

Gwaine : .... mission.

Gwaine : Quest?

Gwaine : .... Thing?

Arthur : Well, that rules you out, Gwaine.

Chapter Text

"Insanity runs in my family. It practically gallops."

- Morgana Pendragon

Chapter Text

Merlin : You were in my dream, Gaius.

Merlin : And you gave me advice that sucked !!!

Gaius : I'm not responsible for Dream Gaius !!!!

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Lancelot and Gwen : WE'RE HAVING A BABY !!!!

Arthur : You're having a baby????

Merlin : THEY'RE HAVING A BABY !!!

Merlin : I'M GOING TO BE AN UNCLE !!!

Chapter Text

Arthur : You know Merlin, I'm having a little trouble opening this jar.

Merlin : That's because it's a can.

Chapter Text

Sophia : Where are you going? To be a whore to a gutter rat?

Arthur : I rather be Merlin's whore than your husband.

Chapter Text

Uther Pendragon : Gaius, remember how we were worried about Arthur's F - U - T - U - R -E ?

Arthur : Oh father, you don't have to worry about my furniture.

Chapter Text

Gwaine : The good news is that we found the ring. The great news is that we'll never lose it again !

Arthur : What are you trying to say?

Percival : The ring is stuck on his finger. I told him not to be cute about it.

Gwaine (offended) : I'm cute about everything !!!

Chapter Text

Merlin : Hey Gwaine, would you do me a favor?

Gwaine : Yes ! Thank you ! I did not feel like going on patrol right now !

Chapter Text

Arthur (talking to the Royal Council) : I think I speak for all of us when -

Merlin : He doesn't.

Gwaine : He doesn't.

Chapter Text

Gwaine : Merlin, is something on fire?

Merlin : Yeah.

Gwaine : Okay. (leaves)

Chapter Text

Merlin : I just wanted to say thank you for all that you've taught me. I know you may not see yourself as my mentor -

Gaius : Of course I do. I've being mentoring you this whole time.

Merlin : It was real ?!

Chapter Text

Mordred : Okay. We have got to save Arthur's and Merlin's relationship.

Gwaine : They haven't seen much of each other because of the nightly patrols. They just need to bone.

Mordred : Gross! Gwaine, those are our dads!

Gwaine : ............................

Mordred : I mean, that's not what I think. I think Dad Arthur is just the King !

Gwaine : Wow.

Mordred : Never mind ! I'm making father talk to him !

Chapter Text

(Arthur enters the room looking happier than usual)

Mordred : Oh hey, Your Majesty! I know you probably don't want to talk about the accords right now but I contacted someone that can -

Arthur : No kid, it's all good.

Mordred : (In awe) So the fight with Merlin is all over?

Arthur : Yup (Starts walking past Mordred)

Mordred : (In even more awe) Because you found a way to fix the accords?

Arthur : Nope.

Gwaine : Because you two -

Arthur : (Starts walking faster) Yup !

Gwaine : Knew it.

Gwaine : (Leans down to whisper in Mordred's ear) See what happened is your dads had sex -

Mordred : (Moves away quickly) Okay, Gwaine!

Chapter Text

Arthur : Merlin, can we talk?

Merlin : (Upset after Arthur rejected him) What do you want, prat?

Arthur : Listen, Lancelot gave me some great advice. So - (gets down on one knee) will you marry me?

Lancelot : What?!

Arthur : This is what you said to do !

Lancelot : I barely said anything and you literally rejected him when he asked you out on a date ! A FIRST DATE !!! How do you get from there to here ???

Merlin : Yes.

Arthur and Lancelot : What?!

Merlin : Yes, I'll marry you, prat.

Lancelot : WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON ????

Merlin and Arthur : LANGUAGE !!!

Chapter Text

Lancelot : I asked Merlin what you think of me, and he said, "Who cares what Arthur thinks of you?"

Arthur : That is not surprising. Merlin is often disrespectful.

Chapter Text

Merlin : You could have died !!!!

Arthur : I wasn't hurt that badly. Gaius said all my bleeding was internal. That's where all the blood is supposed to be !!!

Chapter Text

Merlin : I wasn't injured. I was lightly stabbed.

Arthur : (Appears out of nowhere, checking Merlin several times) You were stabbed?

Merlin : Lightly stabbed. I didn't want to frighten you.

Chapter Text

"Now before I tell you my idea, are you allergic to bees?"

- Gwaine, to Merlin.

Chapter Text

Uther Pendragon : Morgana, what are you thinking about right now?

Morgana : I was thinking how I would make the perfect ruler of Camelot, based upon my skill set, dance ability and blood lust.

Chapter Text

"Your head is so small. It is so small. Where do you keep your brains?"

- A drunk Percival holding Merlin's head in one hand

Chapter Text

Arthur : You know I hate it when you make up words.

Merlin : Are you still mad at me for saying 'snackscident' ?

Arthur : Yes. Very.

Chapter Text

Lancelot : Gwaine !!! Why aren't you wearing a shirt?

Gwaine : (His mouth full of food) You can't spill food on your shirt if you aren't wearing one.

Chapter Text

Merlin : (Holding a gift box) You promise you didn't get me bees again?

Arthur : (From a distance) Just open it!

Chapter Text

Arthur : The next person to say "mood" or "same" after I make a threat will be thrown out of the window onto solid concrete.

Merlin : Mood.

Gwaine : Same.

Chapter Text

Arthur : I'd like everybody's attention. Christmas is cancelled.

Merlin : You can't cancel a holiday, prat.

Arthur : Keep it up, Merlin and you'll lose New Year's.

Merlin : What does that mean?

Arthur : Leon, take New Year's away from Merlin.

Chapter Text

Morgana : My body wants a baby but I don't.

Merlin : ........

Morgana : Now I'm bleeding out and dying.

Merlin : You're having ...... your period ..... ?

Chapter Text

Arthur, to Mordred : We are not mad, just very disappointed.

Merlin : No, we are mad.

Arthur : Yes, we are mad. We are livid. But we are going to let this one slide.

Merlin : No, we are not!

Arthur : Well damn it Merlin, I'm not a mind reader !

Chapter Text

Gwaine : (Taps his finger)

Merlin : (Taps his finger in response)

Arthur : Stop that !

Gwaine : Stop what?

Arthur : You're talking about me in Morse Code.

Merlin : Yes, that's what we're doing. In our very limited free time, we took a class on a very outdated, very unnecessary form of communication just so we could talk about you in front of you.

(Later)

Merlin : (to Morgana and Gwen) That's exactly what we did.

Chapter Text

Merlin : The only way Arthur is not going to kill us is if he thinks we're already dead.

Morgana : Great. I was hoping you'd say that. Let's kill ourselves.

Merlin : No! You didn't let me finish -

Morgana : It's no problem, Merlin! I'm totally on board, okay?

Morgana : I'm just going to grab a knife, jab it into your neck, yank it out, then your blood's going to start going everywhere.

Merlin : Listen -

Morgana : You'll die in five or ten minutes.

Morgana : And then depending on how horrific that looks, I'll probably do it myself too.

Chapter Text

Merlin : When I get murdered can you make sure that I'm an unsolved case?

Arthur : WHAT?

Merlin : I want to be on Camelot Unsolved.

Lancelot : Can we get back to the part when you said "when I get murdered?"

Chapter Text

Uther Pendragon : Did you have to stab Arthur?

Morgana : You weren't there. You didn't hear what he said to me.

Uther Pendragon : What did he say?

Morgana : "What are you going to do, stab me?"

Uther Pendragon : ..........

Everyone : .............

Uther Pendragon : (nodding) That is fair.

Chapter Text

Uther Pendragon : Merlin, you and my son are best friends right?

Merlin : Sure are.

Uther Pendragon : So he tells you a lot of things right?

Merlin : We share our fair share of secrets with one another, sire.

Uther Pendragon : Then you'd know why I noticed a large hickey on his neck this morning?

Merlin : Ummm......

Uther Pendragon : Because if he's seeing someone, I believe together we can eliminate the perpetrator.

Merlin : Perpetrator?

Uther Pendragon : The hickey giver.

Chapter Text

Arthur : Why are you two here?

Merlin : I'm here to help !

Gwaine : I'm here to make things worse !

Chapter Text

Merlin : Ah yes my train of thought.

Merlin : Or as I like to call it, the anxiety express.

Chapter Text

Merlin : (Stumbles into the room, panting)

Merlin : Arthur !!!

Arthur : What is it? What's wrong?

Merlin : Cheese is just a loaf of milk !!!

Arthur : ............

Arthur : I swear to -

Chapter Text

Morgana : (Chasing after the Knights of Camelot) You honestly thought that -

(Gets knocked down by Kilgarrah who is carrying Merlin and Arthur)

Arthur : Merlin! You just hit a woman with your dragon !!!

Merlin : I know sir.

Arthur : She's my sister !

Merlin : Morgana is quite resilient. She's fine. Trust me.

Chapter Text

Arthur : You know what, I think I might have been a little harsh on this place. You're not half bad.

Merlin : Arthur, it's time to go.

Arthur : Actually, your tavern is terrible and I'm never coming back.

Chapter Text

Gwaine : Merlin, thank you so much my crops are watered, my skin is cleared, my wig is snatched, God bless.

Merlin : Please stop saying that every time I walk into a room.

Chapter Text

Mordred : Merlin, I think Kara wants to kiss me.

Merlin : Yes, I think she does.

Mordred : I've never kissed anyone before .... what do I do?

Merlin : Well, try and be all nervous and rubbish and bit shaky.

Mordred : Why?

Merlin : Because you're going to be like that, anyway. You might as well make it part of the plan then it will feel on purpose.

Merlin : Off you go then.

Mordred : Now? I kiss her now?

Merlin : Mordred, trust me, it's this or going to your room and practicing spells on how to make pigs fly.

Merlin : Don't make my mistakes. Now go!

Chapter Text

Merlin : How do you spell Carleon?

Arthur : You're taking notes?

Merlin : Well, you talk all the time.

Arthur : I don't need a manservant to take notes.

Merlin : Oh, are there rules then?

Arthur : In this case, YES!

Merlin : Well, I'd better write them down, then!

Chapter Text

Gwaine : I just want a mate.

Merlin : You just want to mate?

Gwaine : I just want a mate !

Merlin : Oh, you're not mating with me, sunshine!

Gwaine : A MATE !!!

Chapter Text

Gwaine : Hello there.

Elena : Hello.

Gwaine : I'm Gwaine.

Elena : I'm Elena

Gwaine : Nice to meet you, Elena.

Arthur : Would you mind flirting outside?

Gwaine : I was just saying hello.

Arthur : For you that's flirting.

Chapter Text

Gwaine : I'm Sir Gwaine.

Percival : I'm Percival.

Gwaine : Nice to meet you, Percival.

Arthur : There's a time and a place, Gwaine.

Chapter Text

Morgana : Hello.

Morgana : I hope you're well.

Morgana : How may I assist you with your death?

Merlin : Well, there is no immediate hurry

Chapter Text

(Arthur and Morgana standing near a well)

Arthur : We should chuck a stone down or something.

Morgana : Oh yes. Good idea.

(Pushes Arthur down the well)

Morgana : (Thoughtfully) Twenty feet.

Chapter Text

Kara : You are an enemy of Morgana.

Arthur : Yes, but anyone who is not on Morgana's side is an enemy of Morgana.

Arthur : That was an easy guess.

Chapter Text

Leon : If you know it's a bad idea, why are you doing it anyway?

Gwaine : It fits my aesthetic.

Chapter Text

Gwen : If you took a shot for every time you made a bad decision, how drunk would you be?

Leon : Maybe a bit tipsy.

Arthur : Drunk.

Gwaine : Definitely wasted.

Merlin and Morgana : Dead.

Chapter Text

Merlin : Nice one, Arthur! Come on high five!

Arthur : (Gives him a high five)

Merlin : (Intertwines fingers)

Arthur : Wha -

Merlin : I'm in love with you.

Chapter Text

Arthur : I did a bad thing.

Uther : Does it affect me?

Arthur : No .....?

Uther : Then suffer in silence.

Chapter Text

Merlin : Gaius says capsicum makes your mouth feel like it's burning because it increases your nerve sensitivity to heat and menthol works by doing the same thing to cold.

Merlin : So if I eat a jalapeno pepper and then chew a bunch of mint leaves, they'll cancel each other out, and I'll be fine!

Merlin (Ten minutes later, with a half - eaten jalapeno pepper and an empty container of mint leaves) : Hey, guess what hellfire tastes like?

Chapter Text

Gwaine : Do you think Merlin will ever return from the war?

Lancelot : .........

Lancelot : He literally just left ten minutes ago.

Lancelot : And he just went to work.

Chapter Text

Merlin : Were you dropped on your head as a kid?

Arthur : Bold of you to assume I was held.

Chapter Text

Merlin, glaring at Mordred: God, I fucking hate him.

Gwaine: Oh, yeah, same here.

Merlin: ................

Merlin: You don't even know what he did.

Gwaine: Solidarity, brother.

Chapter Text

Arthur (Enters the tavern with Merlin and Gwaine) : Can you guys get a table?

Merlin : Okay.

Merlin and Gwaine, three minutes later, carrying a table and sprinting at Arthur : GO GO GO GO