My name is Bakugou Katsuki. I’m a first year at U.A. High School, and I’m going to become the number one hero.
Katsuki put down his pen and sighed. He really didn’t want to do this. Journals were fucking stupid, anyway. The only reason he was doing this in the first place was because his parents had forced him to start going to therapy after his kidnapping, courtesy of the League of Villains, and his therapist, in turn, had forced him to do this.
I was kidnapped last month, and to be honest, it did make me feel scared. I was terrified, but I couldn’t show it. I was a hero, and they were villains. It only makes me hate those stupid idiots more. Because of them, All Might had to retire. Because of them…Deku cried. Deku was in danger, and he cried, because of me.
Katsuki quickly snapped the notebook shut, an involuntary blush forming on his face. That was probably enough for one sitting, wasn’t it.
One week later, Katsuki remembered that this stupid, shitty-ass journal thing was supposed to be somewhat consistent. Nobody had to read it, Shizaki-san said kindly, but it would help him understand his own feelings. He could share if he wanted to, she’d said, but he wasn’t doing anything he didn’t want to do.
“Write what you feel. Write what will make you feel better.”
That was Shizaki-san’s advice, and unfortunately, Katsuki was pretty sure it was good advice. Well, she was the expert, after all.
“Okay. Here goes.” Katsuki said to himself, sitting down at his desk and opening the notebook, pen ready in his unwilling hand. He didn’t want to write what he felt. Somehow, he didn’t want to face it.
Those guys fucked me up, sure. But I’ve had some experience with villains before. Honestly? I’d rather feel more traumatised from what happened. But I have the privilege not to, because there’s this THING that’s really distracting me. All the fucking time. Annoying. The worst part it, I don’t even hate it. I don’t even hate him.
Katsuki put the pen down for a moment, contemplating something. He picked it up again, quickly, deciding that his pride had been crushed the moment he realised his feelings. He didn’t even give a fuck anymore.
Deku has been behind me forever. I never even had to think about hm suddenly being gone. But it kind of feels that way. It feels like I cam’t simply approach him like I used to. I hate this. I hate it. I don’t know what to do, and that really fucking FRUSTRATES ME.
Katsuki closed his eyes and sighed, trying to calm himself down before he blew up his pen.
I hate that I feel like this, but how can I help it? It’s like he was made just so that people could love him. He’s so bright and beautiful. He makes me feel hot and fucking WEIRD. He makes me feel a lot of foreign things that I’d never even imagined before, but…I don’t hate it. Not really.
Katsuki dropped the pen again. Dear god, this was…this was him expressing his feelings and it was not helping one bit.
That’s what Katsuki told himself at first, but he soon found out that he liked it. He liked writing about Deku, because he had to one else to talk to about it. He liked writing about how much he cared about Izuku, and how beautiful he was, and even how Katsuki could never have him. He liked writing about how much he loved Deku. It made him feel less alone.
Soon Katsuki transitioned from diary entries to something he’d never expected to be doing it, yet he wrote it regularly: poetry. About Deku. Yeah.
Want to not want you as bad as I do.
When I look into his eyes…
I want to kill him!
Because nobody should be brighter than the sun like he is.
His face is like the Milky Way, dotted with the gleaming stars
That are his freckles.
I love his smile so much
That I want to cry
I love him so much
That I want to die.
He is the light in my darkness,
Meandering through my maelstrom of feelings, until…
There’s only one thing I know.
He’s stolen my heart and any reason I had, because my brain is too filled with him.
I want him so much…
That I want to die.
That one had been inspired by a day of feeling low and staring at Deku, eyes flicking away before he could notice.
One Word (You)
I love you.
Three words I will never speak
Because you could never love me
And I’ll never love anyone but
It’s always been you, my whole life, all I thought about was you.
You make my head spin and my pulse sprint and my heart ache, and
I hate you.
Sometimes, Katsuki’s love made him feel light instead of heavy, happy instead of sad, and all he wanted to do was tell Deku about this gushing rush of emotion, he wanted to show him how he felt, he wanted to touch…but he couldn’t do any of that, so he wrote it down instead.
When I’m around him,
The world bursts into a cacophony of exploding stars;
Symphonies of colours and melodies.
This fluttery feeling in my chest…this sparking explosion
Reminds me of the fireworks that are not as beautiful as his blinding, burning eyes.
Then there were the diary entries.
I feel so lost, sometimes. Lost in my longing or whatever. It’s so stupid, right? So sappy; all this bullshit romance. But I can’t help it. I want to tell him. No, I want to tell him, and when I do, I want him to feel the same. It’s impossible, okay, I get it. But I can’t help it.
Katsuki tried to pretend everything was normal. In fact, he even tried being mean to Deku like before. But he just couldn’t do it. He hardly said a bad word to that nerd anymore, and people were starting to question his sanity. Kirishima was worried about him, and so was Kaminari, and Ashido and Sero. Even Deku was worried about him.
But Katsuki was so happy around Deku! He had a hard time hiding his feelings sometimes. And when he went away, Katsuki felt limp and sullen. He’d start to feel antsy if he didn’t get his daily interaction with his childhood—what, rival? And it was all because he devoted so much of his emotion into loving him. Katsuki kept telling himself that he’d tell Deku one day, but every moment was slipping away faster and faster than Katsuki remembered.
Hold me close please, dear,
I feel liked I’m crumbling when I can’t feel your touch
I was a dead man walking all my life
And it’s my fault.
I need you to be mine, I need you to know
But I haven’t earned that right, and now you want me to go.
I’m not caring or sentimental
People say I have a heart of ice…
But I’m the ‘explodo-murderer’ and that’s the farthest thing from being frozen…
Tell me, does everything I touch really turn to ashes?
I just want you to know
That I will always love you.
It’s almost like a curse,
Because you won’t be mine,
But I will always wait for the moment that will not come,
And I’ll always be here to kiss you goodnight,
And pick up your pieces, should you ever break,
Because even though you destroy me with each second you’re away,
I’m too in love with you to care.
“Oh, wow, this is turning into some heavy shit,” Katsuki sighed, flopping back onto his bead and tossing his notebook aside. “I gotta tell him. No…that’s selfish, isn’t it? Because he doesn’t return my feelings, and that would make things awkward. He’d definitely come to hate me. But I’ll never know if I don’t try, right? Dammit, I’m mumbling. Just like him.”
“Heeey! Kacchan, are you talking to someone in there?” There was a knock at his door. Katsuki cursed. Fuck. He’d forgotten that he was supposed to do his homework with Deku today, which was a feat in itself, as Katsuki aways anticipated eagerly any time they hung out together.
“So, um…can I come in?”
“Y-Yeah, shit, sorry,” Katsuki forced himself up and opened the door. Deku was smiling brightly, holding some textbooks, but when he saw Katsuki, his smile faltered, and then disappeared. Katsuki felt a pang of sadness. Did Deku really not want to be around him that much? Why was he even here, then? Deku had plenty of other smart friends to study with. Wait, were Katsuki and Deku even friends?
Deku flushed bright red.
“U-Um…Kacchan, you, ah…you aren’t wearing a sh-shirt.” He mumbled, averting his eyes.
Oh. So that’s what it was…Katsuki felt oddly happy that his crush was so conscious of him, but he knew that wasn’t what it was. Katsuki had a firmly built body, he knew that. He’d be offended if the nerd didn’t stare at least a little. Which Deku was actually doing a lot. Oh.
Katsuki felt his cheeks heating up involuntarily. Well, damn.
He quickly moved out of Deku’s way so he could come in, and they sat down on the floor together, leaning against Katsuki’s bed. Maybe now would be a good time. Or not. Or maybe Katsuki should flee the—wait, what the fuck?! Bakugous don’t flee! They don’t even abort situations! Yes, child abortion is terrible, wait, no! No, no, wait, he didn’t want to waste precious time being around Deku, oh shit, that was too creepy he was—
Katsuki was officially panicking. Oh fuck, oh god, oh—
“Hey, Kacchan, you didn’t tell me you kept a journal,” Deku commented brightly, flipping through the pages of his (but Katsuki’s) recently discovered source of entertainment. Well, fuckitty-fuck-fuck.
“WAIT! No, Deku, don’t touch that, shit—“ Katsuki lunged, trying to grab the notebook from Deku’s unsuspecting hands, but succeeding only in knocking him now and straddling him. Awkward much.
“Fuck!” Katsuki cursed under his breath, quickly extracting himself from the green-haired boy. Izuku just stared at him, confused, eyebrows furrowed.
“Kacchan, are you okay?”
“Uh, yeah, j-just fine,” Katsuki stammered, red in the face. Phew, that was a close call.
“So, therapy, huh?” asked Deku, smiling slightly, and already advancing to the next page. Katsuki’s eyes widened, but it was too late to scream…
“I mean, I didn’t really think about taking therapy, but that’s Kacchan for you, I guess, always thinking ahead—oh. ‘De—that’s…me…? You’re writing about…m-me—“
“Don’t say it!” Katsuki quickly clamped one hand over his friend’s mouth. Deku’s face quickly morphed into one of shock and confusion. Oh god, this was going steadily downhill.
I think I’m going into cardiac arrest, thought Katsuki miserably. Whatever. Now was as good a time as any, he supposed, to tell the boy of his affections how he truly felt. Fate probably just decided to give him a little nudge in the right direction, because
IT WAS FUCKING EVIL AND WANTED TO MURDER KATSUKI DEATH! DEATH! KIIIILLLLLLL—
He took a deep, calming breath. Katsuki was a civilised person, mom!
Like he was saying, now was as good a time as any. Katsuki would just have to tell him. He’d have to man up and show him the book. What did he even expect, what with having all these sappy-as-shit poems lying around—fuck, Deku was already reading them wasn’t he.
“Deku,” Katsuki growled, trying to give off a subtle calm-but-murderous aura and snatching the notebook. Izuku looked up at him, face bright red.
“Kacchan, do you really?” Well, clearly that aura was miserably malfunctioning.
“Ugh! Listen, Deku, to what I have to say. Fuck. This was not supposed to go like that.” Katsuki dragged a hand down his face exasperatedly. Izuku nodded.
“Okay. Go ahead, read everything in that stupid fucking book, and when you’re done, tell me if you’d still want me. I can’t watch this shit.” He made to get up, but Deku (being the idiotic variable that he was) pulled him down, grabbed the front of his shirt, and smashed their lips together. Katsuki gasped, face flooding beet red.
Deku’s lips slipped off his momentarily. “Shh. That all can wait, Katsuki,”
If Katsuki was red before, now he was on fire.
“A-Ahhn,” he moaned involuntarily when Izuku pushed him down on the floor, straddling him and kissing him roughly. Katsuki cracked an eye open to see Deku’s face; he was flushed and panting slightly, lashes resting lightly on his cheeks.
Fuck, did I ascend?
Katsuki let his head fall back and his eyes close. He was literally in heaven right now oh my god Deku’s kissing me!
Deku’s tongue slipped into his mouth, and Katsuki couldn’t help but let out a deep, muffled groan. It just felt so good, so warm and soft, and this was what kissing your beloved person felt like. It was so…good. He wanted more of it.
“D-Dekuuu,” he whined, all too conscious of how red his face was, “mooore,”
Said Deku giggled and latched onto his lips again, kissing him softly this time.
“Wow.” said Katsuki, an intellectual. “Um. Wow, fuck.”
Deku smiled softly. “Kacchan…you wrote those things about me? Really?”
Katsuki’s eyes widened. Ugh, fuck. He put his arms around Deku’s waist and crushed him to his chest, wrapping his legs around Deku’s waist.
“Shut up,” he grumbled. Deku laughed.
“Can I read them?”
“Can you kiss me?” Katsuki blurted before he could think. Fuck! Why did he always have to do shit like this!
But Deku only smiled again, holding Katsuki’s face carefully as he leant in for a kiss. Katsuki sighed in satisfaction, unconsciously tightening his grip on Izuku.
“Ahh…D-Deku, I love you…” Katsuki mumbled. Deku jumped a little, face slowly turning pink.
“Kacchan…!” he squealed, burying his face into Katsuki’s chest. Katsuki tried to get his heart to stop beating so fucking fast, and to stop sounding like he was purring or some shit.
“You have no idea how long I’ve been wanting to tell you,” Katsuki reluctantly admitted.
“Then you should’ve just said it,” grinned Deku, and startled when Katsuki promptly started sobbing into his shoulder.
“K-Kacchan, what’s wrong? Are you okay?”
“I’m f-fine,” Katsuki said gruffly, pressing his face into Deku’s skin so the there couldn’t see him. Honestly, he had no idea why the fuck he started crying. He was happy, for fuck’s sake!
“Are you sure?” asked Deku warily. Katsuki rolled his eyes.
“Look, this is just as w-weird for you as for me,” he sniffled, “I’m h-happy, so I don’t know why I’m—“ Katsuki broke off and sniffed, burying his face into the crook of Deku’s neck. Maybe that idiot was always crying because he was happy, too.
“Aw, Kacchan, I never thought you could be so sweet,”
"Kacchan, I love you too."
"...Really?" Katsuki asked hopefully, peeking up from Deku's shoulder. Deku rolled his eyes exasperatedly.
"Obviously, idiot. I personally thought it was pretty obvious."
"Yeah, well, I thought you were just being your usual shitty-nerd self." Kasuki grumbled, embarrassed.
"Careful, I might take it back," Deku teased. Katsuki stiffened.
Deku snorted. "I was kidding, Kacchan. Of course I love you." He kissed Katsuki's forehead. Katsuki leaned into the tingling touch happily.
“Sooo...can I read your poems now?” Deku asked hopefully.
“C’mon. Hey, c’mon.”
“Katsuki.” Deku’s voice grew stern.
“Whatever, little shit.”
“But you love me anyway!” Deku grinned, reaching for the notebook. Katsuki found himself smiling even though his ears were burning red at the thought of Deku reading them.
“Yeah, I do.”