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PERVERTS!

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Scene: Achilles' tent. Hector's corpse lies facedown on the bed, wrists and ankles bound to the bedposts with leather thongs. Achilles, nude, lies above him, thrusting. Two ghosts stand to the side, unseen by Achilles.

Achilles: [muttering] This [thrust] is for murdering Patroclus. This [thrust] is for Eurytas. This [thrust] is for how you looked in my [thrust] armour. So gorgeous...manly...
Hector's Ghost: Augh! I can't watch!
Patroclus' Ghost: Augh! I can't watch!
[Ghosts cover their eyes. Patroclus peeps through transparent fingers.]
Patroclus' Ghost: He's mine, you whore! How dare you seduce my Achilles away from me?
Hector's Ghost: What? I didn't--I'm dead, I didn't seduce anything!
Patroclus' Ghost: Then how do you explain this? You tempted Achilles, I know you did. He never would have betrayed me otherwise. [to Achilles] Beloved! Why are you being so unfaithful to me? Beloved!
Hector's Ghost: Tempt him? All I did was die! How is that tempting? You Greeks are all perverts!
Patroclus' Ghost: I'm not the one of us who's having necro bondage sex here, you'll notice.
Hector's Ghost: That's because your body's a pile of ashes in that urn by his bed. I'll bet he jerks off into it.
Patroclus' Ghost: He does not!
[Achilles rises and pulls open the closet, revealing Patroclus' corpse inside. He begins caressing it.]
Achilles: My beloved, I have avenged your death [kiss]. The murderer lies dead, his body ravaged and beaten [kiss].
Hector's Ghost: ...
Patroclus' Ghost: He substituted Briseis in the funeral pyre.
Hector's Ghost: PERVERTS!