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sex, lies, and holovids

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The first video was released without much fanfare on the less savory parts of the dark HoloNet.

It probably would have vanished into the abyss of other tawdry amateur erotic films, if some enterprising individual had not decided to re-upload the previously titled 'two humanoids engaging in sexual mating intercourse rituals' as 'Hero of the Rebellion and Supreme Leader of the First Order: TRAITOR TO THEIR CAUSES OR FORBIDDEN LOVERS?' with the community curated tags of:


"male submissive/female dominant"

"praise kink"

"size kink"

"multiple orgasms"

Upon being questioned as to the contents of the aforementioned holo, the implicated parties asserted that they had nothing to do with said salacious material.

One party stated: "There are blankets covering everything and thus the identities are only being determined from an audio recording of poor quality, Admiral. Surely the command staff has more pressing duties than indulging in the entertainment produced by the dregs of society," which was promptly followed by the Admiral in question mysteriously undergoing a choking fit.

The other party was noted to have said, "Editing holo audio is one of the most basic engineering feats, Commander Dameron could do it." The was followed up with, "Have you ever actually heard him speak at a normal volume, without that stupid mask? Let alone a soft whisper?" At this, two of her companions acquiesced whilst the third was somewhat disgruntled at being used as baseline for engineering feats.

Due to the transient nature of media and the HoloNet, this incident would have merely slipped from the galaxy's collective conscienceless. Except... a second holo was released under the title of "TRAITOROUS NIGHTS: Forbidden Fruit of the Force" with the various erotic holo hubs such as, pornHolo, redCompressor, and xxxWompRat contributing tags:


"oral fixation"

"face sitting"

"damn i want what she's having"

"SUBpreme leader"

Again, no faces were identifiable, but the holovid consisted of the so-called "Supreme Leader" worshipping the cunt of that so-called "Hero of the Rebellion".

For three hours.

Both implicated parties denied any involvement.

"I had no idea a back could be so broad," Rose noted, in between bites of bang-corn.

"How is he even breathing?" Kaydel asked in wonder.

"So, Rey I know you're like totally not banging him but like if you were--," Jessika said matter-of-factly as she drunkenly slung an arm over Rey's shoulder, "--I almost wouldn't blame you."

Rey just continued swigging the fighter pilots’ hooch as the ladies (and gentlemen and those who refrained from identifying as either) of the Rebellion settled in for the third rewatch of "TRAITOROUS NIGHTS." Unsurprisingly, Leia demurred from partaking after the first five minutes of the first viewing, noting that she was still under the weather. That the back of the actor playing the Supreme Leader may have looked vaguely familiar had nothing to do with it, of course.

The First Order's attempts to block access to any unsavory holonets went about as well as could be expected.

The third holo was released with the title "TRAITOROUS NIGHTS: Careless Whispers" and the lovingly curated tags of:

"bantha style"

"inappropriate uses of dejarik tables"

"oh god it really can't be that big"


This one had the benefit of a soundtrack to accompany the lewd deeds. Well, less a soundtrack and more a fairly old song that was popular during the era of the Galactic Empire, played on repeat. It was known, to a select few, to be a favorite of retired General and former Baron Administrator of Cloud City, Landonis Balthazar Calrissian III. The holovid also took place in a location that was familiar to a slightly larger selection of people. Unfortunately, that selection of people included all of the Rebellion who had lived on the Millenium Falcon during the escape from Crait, as well as a selection of Stormtroopers who had accompanied the now Supreme Leader on a sweep of said ship. (The holo also had very identifiable faces but at that point it was merely icing on a fairly.... well creamed cake. As could be seen in the holo.)

"We had dinner on that table," Finn said dully as the delicate jizz stylings of the timeless classic by Micge Haeas played over the Falcon's speakers.

"I mean, according to the holo... so did Kylo Ren," Rose said.

"I'm blind," Poe wailed, from the floor, where he was curled into a ball whilst BB-8 beeped at him with concern.

"I feel we should talk," Leia said, turning to Rey, noting the young Force user was sporting a fairly red complexion for someone living on a planet with perpetual night. Rey simply nodded. "And bring my son. I sense you know how to get in contact with him." At this, a mortified Rey practically sank into the floor.

(Afterwards, there was a fairly intense discussion with various higher ups from both the Rebellion and First Order regarding "morale, perception, and blackmail" or as Yoda explained to Luke during one of their regularly scheduled Force Ghost teas, "Bang someone back from the Dark Side, you can.")