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How Zelenka's Crush on Weir Made for Strange Events Between Rodney and John

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It all started because Radek Zelenka was crushing hard on Elizabeth Weir.



"What are you doing for the next, say, hour?"

"I'm off duty, McKay. I'm reading. What do you want?"

"Well, put down that golf magazine. My quarters. 15 minutes."

John Sheppard had barely gotten to Rodney McKay's door when it opened. Rodney was practically vibrating with excitement, and his grin could only be described as goofy. He waved a dvd in Sheppard's face.


Rodney pulled him inside and the door closed behind him.


Sheppard raised one eyebrow.

"Czech porn! Two beautiful blondes!"


"Zelenka's got it bad for Elizabeth and he's dumping all his blonde porn, trading it for dark haired women!"

Rodney pulled Sheppard over to his bed where two pillows were propped up against the head. He hopped onto the bed and patted the space next to him. "C'mon! PORN! BLONDES! DOING EACH OTHER!"

"Isn't this the kind of thing you should watch ... I don't know... alone?"

"It's porn! What are you, weird? Sit down!"

Sheppard continued to hesitate and Rodney pulled his laptop onto his knees and put the dvd into the player. Music began playing and Rodney's eyes opened wide.

Sheppard tilted slightly to see the screen and two extraordinarily beautiful blondes got off of bicycles outside a stone building. They kissed chastely, giggled and headed into the building, leaving the bicycles leaning against an iron fence.

The next scene was the two women entering a small apartment. The room was bright with sunshine and the only piece of furniture in it appeared to be a large bed covered with sex toys.

Sheppard sat on the edge of the bed, as far away from Rodney as possible on the narrow mattress.

The action on the screen moved quickly from chaste kisses, to deep tongue kisses, to taking each other's clothes off, and then to fingers and tongues in all kinds of places.

Rodney began to breathe heavily. Sheppard turned from the screen to watch him.

"Oh my God," Rodney whispered, "look at that little pointed pink tongue on the short one! Holy shit!"

Rodney unzipped his pants and reached into his fly, dragging out a nice sized erection. He reached blindly to the bedside table and pulled out a bottle of hand lotion, pumping a palm full and then reaching for his penis again.

Sheppard's eyes widened. "McKay!"

Rodney turned to look at him, "WHAT?"

"Jesus, are you going to whack off?"

Rodney stopped the dvd, set the computer aside, disappeared into the bathroom and returned with one hand towel. He tossed it at Sheppard. "THERE, Mr. Modesty."

Then he sat back down, pulled the laptop onto his knees and started the dvd again. There was no shred of doubt what Rodney's intentions were as he began to squeeze and stroke himself, moaning softly.

As Rodney's eyes were glued to the monitor of the laptop, Sheppard's eyes were glued to watching Rodney. The towel across his lap tented slightly.

"Oh....dildos! I love dildos!" Rodney exclaimed softly. His breathing became more ragged, and he took his hand off his penis. "No, no, don't want to come too soon! Zelenka said there's like 45 minutes in this one and they do a doubled-headed dildo, one on each end of it."

John's breathing was a little ragged. He glanced at the monitor, then tilted his head almost horizontally. "Wow. That's one flexible woman."

"She's perfect. They're both perfect. Zelenka's insane."

Sheppard tentatively moved back against the head of the bed, leaning on the pillow a little, the hand towel in his lap began to look bulkier.

"Oh...oh...uh....," Rodney seemed to squeeze himself hard. "No, no, no, not yet!"

Sheppard's eyes were drawn back to Rodney, and he watched as Rodney's breathing evened out, then he relaxed, opened his eyes and began watching the video again. Rodney's mouth was open and he had a look of amazement. Slowly he began to stroke and squeeze his penis again, rubbing his right thumb across the head gently, then pulling hard with his fist, his hips lifting to help in the action.

There was simply no way Rodney could keep up the action as long as he wanted. Long before the double-headed dildo scene he gasped, cried out, and came in hot, thick spurts all over his hand and belly.

Sheppard stood up, still holding the hand towel and ran out of the room.

Rodney barely noticed.

"Ah...damn! NOW they get to that!" he exclaimed staring at the monitor and the actions of the two incredibly talented blondes.


The next morning Rodney met Sheppard over breakfast. He was smiling, relaxed. He didn't even flinch when Ronon sat down and grabbed one of the muffins off his tray and stuffed it in his mouth.

"Huh," muttered Ronon. He looked at Sheppard, confused.

Sheppard shrugged. "He's in a good mood."

Rodney smiled, "I'm in a terrific mood."

"How come?" Ronon asked.

Rodney giggled. Sheppard covered his eyes and sighed. Ronon looked more confused.

"What?" he asked again.

"Good porn. Extremely good porn," Rodney chirped happily.

Sheppard picked up his tray and disappeared. Rodney leaned toward Ronon.

"Two blondes. Dildos. AMAZING!"

"Huh," said Ronon.

"I've only watched the first one, but seriously, the two women in it are FANTASTIC."

"Can I see it?" asked Ronon.

"Sure. I'm thinking of taking a late lunch," Rodney said. Then he giggled.


The next morning when Ronon ran with Sheppard he asked about the porn.

"Is there a lot of stuff like that available on Earth?" Ronon asked.

"Yes," Sheppard replied.

"So you guys mostly just watch?" Ronon asked.

Sheppard stopped running. "What? No! Of course not. What kind of question is that?"

Ronon shrugged. "Well, it's just that McKay seemed to think it was something really special."

"McKay thinks anything with blondes and boobs is special," Sheppard replied, somewhat testily, then he started running again.

Ronon caught up with him quickly. "But wouldn't it be better to just have sex?"

Sheppard ran faster and in the opposite direction, leaving Ronon looking even more confused than before.

It was late, and John Sheppard was tired, and the day had dragged on in a way that made him think that someone must have slipped in at least a couple of extra hours on him. He'd barely gotten into his quarters when the chime rang and the door opened and Rodney McKay stood there brandishing a dvd with a bright smile on his face.

"I made you your own copy since you're obviously pee shy or whatever you would call it when you don't want to whack off with another guy around."

Sheppard pushed him out of the door, closed it and locked it. He could hear Rodney on the other side saying, "What? What?"


The next morning he skipped his run with Ronon and grabbed a muffin and a cup of coffee and headed straight into his office. Lorne was sitting in front of his desk with his feet up on it.

"Morning, Colonel," Lorne saluted him from his seat.

"Lorne. What's up?"

Lorne laughed, "Other than McKay?"

Sheppard glared.

"He left you something," Lorne said pointing to the desk.

There sat the dvd. It was marked:


"Jesus fucking Christ!" Sheppard pointed to the disc. "Take it. Take it and get it out of here."

Lorne grinned. "Can I keep it?"

"Fine. Just get it out of my sight."

"I hear the tall blonde is really... limber."

Sheppard pointed to the door. "Out. Now. With it."

Lorne grabbed the offending disc and disappeared through the door.

Sheppard was still plowing his way through requisitions and reports when Rodney McKay stomped into his office and stood in front of his desk with his arms crossed over his chest, looking as though he would explode.

"What is your problem, Sheppard?"

Sheppard glanced up and went right back to his paperwork. "Go away, McKay."

"No, seriously, are you like a closet Baptist or something? 'Cause I share some primo, I mean seriously primo porn with you and you... well, you act like... hell! I don't know what you're acting like, but it's not normal."

"McKay, I just don't share your ... obvious enjoyment in ... well...."


"Blondes, okay? I don't like blondes all that much."

McKay practically did a spit take. "You don't like blondes."

"That's what I said."

"That is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard. But okay. I'll borrow some of Zelenka's new stuff and ...."

"NO!" Sheppard stopped and quieted. "No, thank you. I appreciate that you want to share, Rodney, but no."

Rodney stared at him, squinting as though trying to read something printed in small type on Sheppard's forehead.


He turned and left. Sheppard sighed and went back to his paperwork.

That night as Sheppard headed toward his quarters he found Rodney McKay sitting on the floor next to his door.

"McKay, what do you want now?"

"No porn. Regular movie. I promise."

He held up a dvd.

Sheppard relaxed. "Fine. Sure, come on in."

They settled onto the floor with their backs against the bed, Rodney sitting on Sheppard's pillow because he swore that otherwise his ass would be paralyzed by the time they were finished watching and it could cost them precious minutes of mental focus he could need to possibly save their collective asses once again should something go drastically wrong during or immediately after they had watched the movie.

Sheppard recognized the male lead immediately. "Hey, this is the guy who was in SUPERNOVA."

"Oh, please, you would remember that piece of shit."

"And didn't he do some other science fiction stuff?"

"Yes, yes, he did. Now can we watch the movie?"

"So what's this one?"

"Cadman said it was a comedy, but that Maggie Gyllenhall was pretty hot and she's dark haired, so I figured you'd like her better."

Sheppard sighed. "I'm never going to hear the end of that, am I?"

"No," Rodney replied.

The movie was funny, in a weird sort of way, and sexy in an even weirder sort of way. Soon Rodney was getting that sort of gobsmacked look he'd had at the beginning of the porn movie. By the time James Spader was smacking Maggie Gyllenhall's bare bottom, Rodney was sporting some pretty good wood and Sheppard was staring at him - again.

"OH MY GOD!" Rodney groaned and reached for his zipper. "I'm going to kill Cadman!"

Sheppard reached out and stilled Rodney's hands.

"What?! You can't tell me that you don't find this hot!" Rodney exclaimed. Then he looked at Sheppard and saw that he was staring intently not at the movie but at Rodney's tented pants.

"Fine. Okay. I'll go to my own room!" Rodney started to rise, but John grabbed his wrist and held him in place.

"It's not going to just go away!" Rodney complained.

John reached for Rodney's zipper and lowered it slowly. They both seemed to hold their breath for a moment, and then John slipped his hand into Rodney's pants.

Rodney's breath released in a harsh puff and then he gasped as John's fingers continued their quest into his boxers, touching his erection softly.

Rodney looked at John and saw that he, too, was erect, showing hard and long at an angle just to the side of the fly of his BDUs.

Without a word, John kept his hand inside Rodney's boxers, fisting Rodney's penis in a tight, hot grip that made Rodney close his eyes and lean back making little whining noises.

The movie forgotten, long minutes passed and when Rodney came, it was a sweet release that can only happen when it's someone else's hand doing the work. Rodney sighed, leaned back against the bed and in seconds began to snore.

When he woke up hours later, he was alone. The computer was turned off. He'd been covered with a blanket, and a towel was rolled up under his head to form a pillow.

His pants were closed and when he opened and checked, he'd been cleaned as well as possible without being undressed, tucked back into place and left to sleep.

John was nowhere. Rodney called him on his radio and got no response. He staggered up off the floor, unbending his body slowly, picking up his computer and heading back to his room.

He had no idea what to think about any of it.


It took Rodney most of two days to finally track John Sheppard down and corner him alone. Sheppard had some serious stealth capabilities when he really wanted to not be found. Finally, though, McKay cornered him by having him called into a meeting he was having with Elizabeth, and then insisting that they continue the discussion between just the two of them in Sheppard's office.

There was no graceful way for John to avoid it, so they stepped into his office and the door closed behind them.

"So," Rodney said.

John said nothing. He stood with his hands on his hips staring at Rodney and saying not one word.

"You don't like blondes."

Sheppard put his hand on the butt of his holstered gun.

"Oh please, like you're going to shoot me."

"I might," John said.

Rodney dropped into the a chair and huffed. "Yeah, right. Without me everyone here is dead, so face it, you're stuck with me alive unless the Wraith kill me first. So suck it up and talk to me."

John stood over him, still fingering his gun.

"So, you're what? Gay?"

"NO!" John exploded. "No!" He began to pace and then he finally dropped into his chair behind the desk.

"Then what was that whole... thing about the other night?"

Sheppard turned pink all the way to the tips of his ears.

"What? Seriously, I want to know."

"I don't know," John said softly.

"How the hell do you ever get laid? I mean, do the women just fling themselves at you?"

John turned red.

"Oh my God, they do!"

John covered his face, and when he finally spoke his words were muffled through his fingers. "I just never see it coming. It's like, suddenly I'm just being ... you know, and then... well, it happens."

"How the hell did you ever get married?"

John's head shot up and he glared at Rodney. "Ronon told you I was married?"

Rodney snorted. "As if. I hacked into your records before we left Earth. Do you honestly think I would trust the safety of this brain -- not to mention the rest of me -- to just anyone?"

John looked relieved and then Rodney looked offended.

"Wait a minute, you told Ronon you'd been married and you never told me?"

"Well, apparently I didn't have to."

They stared at each other a minute, then both deflated realizing that was an argument neither of them was going to win.

"So that whole thing with you and my dick, that was an aberation?"

"I ... I don't know."

The silence seemed to last a long time for both of them. Then Rodney's face scrunched up in that heavy-thinking mode he sometimes went into.

"So... you've never actually initiated a sexual relationship with anyone?"

Sheppard shifted uncomfortably. "Not so much."



Rodney leaned forward, "Then I think you may not even really know what it is you want. I mean, you are kind of ... distant with people."

"The whole... emotional thing... it's just hard... uh... difficult for me."

Rodney snickered.

John glared.

"Oh hey, like you weren't thinking it when you changed the word from hard to difficult."

Silence descended on them again, and once again it was Rodney who broke it.

"We should approach this as an experiment. Scientifically. I mean, it's just ridiculous to be your age and have no idea what your sexual orientation really is, or what turns you on. So we should experiment. In a controlled setting. The two of us."

John stared at Rodney as though he'd suddenly grown antlers or something.

"What?" asked Rodney. "What's wrong with that?"

"You want to experiment on me?"

"With you. WITH you. Semantics do make a difference."

"There are so many things wrong with that idea that I don't even know where to start," John replied after a moment.

"I'm your best friend. If you can't trust me, who can you trust?"


Rodney waited, expectantly. Then he said, "Fine. Tonight. 2100. My quarters."

And with that he got up and left. John sat and stared at his empty chair long after he was gone.


At 2100 on the dot John Sheppard was standing outside Rodney's quarters. He made no move to signal that he was there, and after a few moments the door opened and Rodney simply grabbed him by the arm and pulled him inside.

"Sheppard, no wonder it's always a fucking surprise to you!"

John stood just inside the door looking extremely uncomfortable. Rodney had set the lights low, had out lube, several dvds, and the computer all warmed up. He also had a hand towel, a container of sanitary wipes, and a waste basket next to the bed.

John took one look at the supplies and turned to leave, but Rodney must have expected such a move because he intercepted him and moved him bodily toward the bed.

"Relax. Nothing you don't like is going to happen."

"Something I don't like has already happened."

Rodney made a sound that strongly resembled a raspberry and pulled at John's clothing.

"All right, let's get you stripped down so we can actually do something."

"Wait, wait, wait!" Sheppard said twisting away from him. "Stop. No, Rodney, get your fucking hands off me!"

Rodney stepped back and crossed his arms and stared straight into John Sheppard's eyes. "You have got to trust me or this isn't going to work."

"No shit," said John a little breathlessly. "Give a guy a second, okay?"

"Fine. Then I'll go first."

Rodney then quickly and efficiently stripped off his shirt and pants. He left his socks and boxers on, explaining blithely that his feet got cold so he preferred to have socks on unless his partner complained.

John had no answer to that. He stood there staring at Rodney's bare chest, legs, and boxers.

"What are those?" he asked.

"Lemons. A gift from Samantha Carter."

John shook his head. "She really does hate you, doesn't she?"

Rodney snorted, "She just can't bring herself to express her affection and respect for me. It's subtle."

"I can tell," said John.

"Stop deflecting and strip," said Rodney.

John sat on the edge of the bed and took his boots off.

"Oh good God!" Rodney exclaimed. He reached over and grabbed John's t-shirt and pulled it over his head before John could stop him. "There. Is that so bad?"

John shrugged.

"You are the most ... I don't know what I've ever seen in my life. If you weren't fucking gorgeous you'd still be a virgin. Me? I've had to work to get laid. Good technique doesn't come easily, you know! It's not fair."

John turned bright pink, all the way to his nipples.

"Pants?" Rodney suggested.

"Later?" John whined.

"Fine. I can work with this, I suppose," Rodney said.

Rodney stared. John fidgeted. Rodney stared longer. John got pinker.

"So... is there anything you know you like?" Rodney asked finally.

"Blow jobs."

Rodney rolled his eyes. "The man who doesn't like blow jobs needs to have his balls removed and replaced with something less manly. That tells me nothing. Anything else?"

John shrugged. "I don't know. I like intercourse."

"Intercourse? God in heaven, the fact that you call it that gives me so little fucking hope for this whole proposition. Let me ask more direct questions. Do you like tits?"

John shrugged. "Sure."

"Big ones? Small ones? Pointy? Big nipples? What exactly do you like about tits?"

"I don't know. They're nice."

Rodney closed his eyes. "Okay, moving on. You say you like intercourse. That means you like sticking your dick into hot wet places. Right?"

John nodded. "Yeah, that feels good."

"You like tight, hot, wet holes."


"Have you ever done anal with a woman?"

John's eyes widened in horror. "Do women like that?"

Rodney turned and went into the bathroom. Hysterical laughter could be heard echoing against the tile walls. After a moment, it quieted to coughing and then Rodney reappeared.

"Let's start with something really simple. What have you done with a woman? You've had straight missionary position intercourse, correct?"

John nodded petutantly.


John nodded.

"Did you like that?"

John fidgeted.

"I'm taking that as a no. Okay. Clearly anal is out of the question. So let's move on to men."

"I've never done anything with a man."

"Except jerk me off the other night during a movie."

John paled.

"Please tell me you're not going to get sick right now."

John shook his head no.

"So, other than the hand job you gave me the other night, you've not done anything with another guy?"


"No circle jerks in Boy Scouts? No jerking off contests? No writing your name in the snow?"


"Jesus. Were you raised by nuns or something? 'Cause that's just not normal."

"Rodney, if you're going to make fun of me, I'm going to put my shirt on and go back to my room. This is a stupid idea anyway."

Rodney waved his hands as if to move away any of John's complaints. "Okay, any animal or vegetable experience?"

John grabbed his shirt and made for the door but Rodney again was on to him and stopped him before he could escape.

"It's not anything weird. When I was 14 my cousin showed me how you could fuck a watermelon. He learned it on vacation to the Georgia coast. We fucked watermelons one entire summer, and I can tell you whether it's best if they're warm, cold, or at what stage of ripeness."

John's mouth gaped at that.

"What? It's a hole. It's wet. And when you're 14, you're just not that picky."

John sat back down.

"So, again, you like...?"

"Tight, hot, wet holes," John said softly. "And blow jobs."

"Now, was that so hard?"

"Yes," said John glaring.

Nearly two hours later, Rodney had finally gotten John down to his boxers, and they were discussing hand techniques. They'd tried to talk about blow jobs, but Rodney couldn't keep a straight face at John's answers, so they'd moved to a safer topic.

"Do you play with your balls when you jerk off?"


"Okay, ever reach down behind your balls and play with your asshole?"

"No," John grew silent. Then, "Have you?"

"Of course. You never had a woman stick a finger up your ass while she was blowing you?"


Rodney closed his eyes and shook his head. "Did you ever actively take part in any of the sex you've had? Or did you just lie back and let the woman do whatever she wanted?"

John didn't answer.

"Please tell me that wasn't a yes."

"Not exactly. I mean, I've done things."

"Like what?"

"Well, you know, sucked nipples, given hickies, tongued ears, little bites sometimes."

"Ever any rough play? Blindfolds? Been tied up?"

"Yeah. The tied up thing."

"You or her?"


Rodney considered that a moment. "You've pretty much been a passive participant, except for maybe doing what you were asked."

Even John's hair was looking defeated. "I really suck at this, don't I?"

"No. In fact, apparently you don't suck at all."

Rodney cackled at his joke and even John grinned.

"Okay, let's try something simple. We'll both jerk off at the same time, boxers on, and see if anything in particular floats your boat."

They settled down on either end of the bed with the lube and sanitary wipes between them.

"Want to look at some porn?" Rodney asked.

John shook his head.

"Want to watch me?"

John nodded.

Rodney smiled, reached into his boxers and pulled out his penis. "Let me introduce you to mini-me. He likes hot, wet, dark places, strong suction, and a firm grip with lots of lube."

John laughed and seemed to relax for the first time.

Rodney continued to chatter, making jokes and stroking himself with strong, sure movements. Soon he was hard and he closed his eyes and breathed deeply as he began to fist his penis in earnest.

After a few moments, he slitted his eyes open to see that John was watching him with a hungry expression. He had his own cock out and was stroking it idly, rubbing the head against his palm.

Rodney closed his eyes again and lost in the familiar sensation of rosey palm and her five sisters. He reached down with his other hand and pulled his balls out of his shorts so he could roll and palm them, stretching them when they tightened up against his body.

When he came, he leaned back against the head of the bed and let himself sink into the sweet lethargy that came from a good orgasm, and he realized he could hear John's breathing.

He opened his eyes and John had his boxers down around his thighs, was up on his knees, with one hand fisting his cock in rough pulling motions, and the other hand between his legs, his fingers clearly behind his balls somewhere in the shadows between his legs. He was grasping and making little mewling sounds, and when he came he looked like he was going to fall right off the end of the bed.

Rodney launched himself up and caught John around the shoulders. He could feel John's body trembling and see the milky droplets of semen in the dark hair on his abdomen. John's eyes were closed and he began to smile, and then he was out like a light.

Rodney laughed quietly and pulled John down onto the bed. He used the sanitary wipes to clean him, then pulled his boxers up.

One successful night of experimentation was over, and the lessons continued. Some better, some worse, but they continued.


Two months later Rodney returned to his room after an entire day of frantic repairs to Atlantis' septic system. It had been a stench-filled, 18 hour day of stomach turning sights, only to find that the entire thing had been caused by a Marine who had apparently tried to flush his roommate's wet boxers down the toilet after finding them left on the floor of the room in the middle of the night - AGAIN.

He was exhausted, filthy and annoyed. So when his door opened and he saw John Sheppard naked, on his hands and knees on his bed, he honestly didn't know whether to shit or go blind.

"I want to try something else," John said.

"Oh my God," Rodney said. "I have to shower first. Can you wait?"

John smiled. "Sure. Can I talk to you about it while you shower?"

"Fine," said Rodney as he began to strip off his clothes on the way to the bathroom.

"You know that thing you told me to try by myself? That thing with the lube and the vibrator thing?"


"Well, I liked it. So, I stole some lube from the infirmary and I've been practicing, and I think that what I'd like to try now is fucking. You know, anal. And so I also stole some condoms, and I've been stretching myself and I'm up to three fingers, so I was thinking that maybe that's enough. I mean, I know that you're like longer than my fingers, but I figure that maybe three is enough in terms of width, and I did use that vibrator thing that you got from ... who did you get that from?"


"Does she know who's using it?"

"Of course not."

"Okay. Anyway, so I tried that thing and it felt good, so I thought maybe you'd like to try to fuck me."

Rodney let the hot water stream over his head and neck.

"So, are you up for it? 'Cause you know, if you're too tired, we can always do it another time. I'm sure that more stretching wouldn't be a bad thing."

Rodney stared out through the water at John Sheppard. He was smiling. His hair was as bouncy as he was. He was unself-consciously naked and hanging out in Rodney's bathroom talking about letting Rodney fuck him.

He reached out and pulled John Sheppard into the shower with him. "I'd hate for all that preparation to go to waste. But I can't promise I'll be able to stay awake afterwards."

John smiled. "That's okay. I promised Ronon I'd run with him tomorrow morning, so I've got to get back and get some sleep anyway."

"All right."

"Cool," John said happily, and he leaned in and kissed Rodney.