Craig had never really been big on parties. Especially not ones hosted by classmates that had made all of their childhoods fucked up just by existing. But still, it was Halloween and he had a tradition with Tweek to go out every year, one they’d upheld since they were old enough to go to parties without their mothers breathing down their necks.
Usually they went to Token’s party and hung out with Clyde in a quiet room, drinking just enough to get tipsy before crashing in one of the spare bedrooms. They didn’t know a lot of people there, with Tweek being too anxious to ever leave their tiny social bubble and Craig not giving a flying fuck, but they enjoyed themselves all the same.
This year, however, with Craig and Token’s epic argument just two weeks prior (over a coffee stain on the spare bedroom mattress of all things) there was little doubt about whether or not they were invited. Token had yet to start acknowledging Craig’s existence again despite Craig flipping him off every chance he got, so their choices were limited.
Craig had known it would be an incredibly bad idea but he’d let Tweek talk him into it anyway, though he dragged his feet all the way to the Marsh household in a sort of silent protest. Sharon and Randy were out of town, likely taking a holiday in an attempt to save their failing marriage, and Shelly had left for college years ago, so of course that was where the other Halloween party was going to be held.
Craig had had limited interactions with Stan’s group outside of Stan himself, mostly because Cartman was still a piece of shit and Kyle had turned into a bit of a whiny bitch. Tweek still seemed to get along with most of them though, especially Butters, so Craig had steeled himself for putting up with people he barely tolerated so his boyfriend could have a good night.
“Yeah, so then I told the fat bitch to fuck off and she threw an actual fucking fit right in front of me, started ranting about how I’d come to regret it. Goths are so pathetic, especially the girls.”
Already he could hear Cartman’s sneering tone and they’d only just reached the letter box. Craig gritted his teeth and tightened his grip on Tweek’s hand ever so slightly. Cartman was sprawled out on the front step with a six pack on his lap, chatting to Kenny beside him who looked bored out of his mind. Though Kenny was wearing something that could resemble a costume (a fluffy jacket with a bunny eared headband nestled in his hair), Cartman was in a suit, tie loosened around his large neck.
Cartman shut up when he saw them approaching and seemed to appraise them when Craig and Tweek stopped in front of him. The door was blocked by Cartman’s large frame and Kenny beside him, and Cartman seemed unaware of this fact.
“So what in the hell are you supposed to be?” Craig bit out before anything cutting could get out of Cartman’s mouth. He didn’t need the fatass ruining Tweek’s night before it had even begun.
“Huh? Oh, figures you losers wouldn’t know a cool costume when you see one,” Cartman sniffed as Kenny shuffled aside to give them a gap to get through. “I’m a secret agent, obviously.”
“Right,” Craig said slowly, letting his disdain colour his tone. “C’mon, Tweek.”
He pulled Tweek inside and slammed the door shut behind them before Cartman could get anything else out. Craig wasn’t one for costumes anymore but he’d let Tweek dress him in vintage clothes, and he’d helped Tweek find the perfect sweater for his Peter Pan costume. He thought Tweek looked cute in it but he knew Cartman would find something nasty to say about it.
The rest of the night passed quickly. Craig wasn’t used to being pressured by Kenny and Cartman to drink and he ended up getting drunk faster than he’d wanted to. At some point Tweek and Stan left to get food and Kyle had found Henrietta snooping around in the backyard. She’d just sneered at them when discovered and hurried off, clutching her bag to her chest.
This of course managed to spark a giant argument between Cartman and Wendy when Cartman made a snarky remark about Henrietta’s weight. Craig wasn’t sure, but he thought at the end of all the shouting and screaming he saw them slip into the bathroom together.
By the time they’d finished eating it was almost one in the morning, and Stan let them crash in Shelly’s old room. It was weird for Craig to be in a strange room while his head was spinning and he felt vaguely nauseous, but having Tweek flush against his chest made it tolerable.
He fell asleep to the tell-tale sound of creaking bedsprings somewhere in the house, and Tweek’s jagged, hitching breaths next to his ear.
Craig awoke to a high pitched scream.
They both jerked awake but Tweek flailed in fright, rolling and falling off the bed in his attempt to get up. There was a long stretch of silence where Craig sat up and Tweek got on his knees, both of them looking nervously to the door. There weren’t any more screams, but the silence was soon broken by very panicked and very angry talking.
“Argh, what do you think that’s about?” Tweek asked in a hushed voice, twitching a little. His tics had gotten better over the years, especially when Craig was around to calm him down, but when something startled him badly he tended to slip back into old habits.
“Probably Wendy waking up in bed with Cartman,” Craig muttered, dragging his tongue along his teeth and making a face at the furry feeling. His voice was croaky from thirst so he didn’t notice it at first, the way his voice lilted strangely, but Tweek’s head whipped around so fast Craig startled back a little.
“Jesus fuck!” Tweek screeched, scrambling to his feet and backing away from the bed. His eyes were wide in shock and his trembling was starting to get worse and worse. Craig felt his usual urge to grab Tweek by the wrist and pull him in, their own little soothing ritual, but he felt confusion too. Something was wrong.
“Babe, what’s your problem?” he asked, frowning and throwing the blankets off. The second he moved he felt something soft brush against his inner arm and he suddenly realised his voice was all kinds of wrong. Worried that someone had played a prank on them in their sleep, he jumped out of bed and made his way over to Shelly’s mirror to inspect himself for any crudely drawn dicks on his face.
What he saw made his normally stoic features crumble in shock and he even took a step back, his brain refusing for a few moments to even process what he was seeing. The first thing he noticed was his hair, the usual cropped black locks had grown insane amounts overnight, now reaching just below his shoulders.
Which naturally drew his eyes to the two lumps pushing out his normally flat shirt. Craig lifted shaking hands slowly and gave each lump a quick squeeze. Definitely breasts.
After that it didn’t take long for him to take quick stock of his body. He was shorter now, probably only a little taller than Tweek, and his lips plumper, though the rest of his body seemed to have retained his normally lanky shape. The thing he noticed last, probably the biggest difference, was the strange feeling between his legs when he took another step back. One quick peek under his boxers confirmed it – his dick was nowhere to be seen.
“What the fuck,” he bit out. His first thought was that Cartman had done it somehow, but he could hear Cartman’s voice now, almost screaming with how loud he was yelling somewhere else in the house. It wasn’t gleeful shouting either, but panicky and stressed. For once Craig felt like joining him and screaming to anyone who’d listen to explain just what the fuck was going on.
“Craig?” Tweek whispered, looking on the verge of fleeing from the room. He’d picked up his green jeans from the floor and his knuckles were almost white from how tight he was gripping them, shoulders shaking.
Craig was at a loss so he did the only thing he could think of, he reached and grabbed Tweek’s wrist, pulling his stiff body in close. “It’s me, chill out or you’ll start having a panic attack,” he said quietly, clearing his throat once to try and get his usual gruffness back. His voice still sounded too sweet, and Tweek’s posture was still drawn in and unresponsive.
“I don’t- you’re not you,” Tweek protested quietly, but he didn’t resist when Craig brought each of his fingertips to his lips, pressing soothing kisses. Despite the circumstances, despite the screaming and yelling outside the door, despite everything, Tweek’s shoulders slowly relaxed and the panicked look left his eyes. He still looked weirded out and his eyes darted down to Craig’s chest every now and then, but his breathing had returned to normal at least.
“I don’t know what the fuck is going on but it’s still me,” Craig assured him, pressing one last kiss to Tweek’s inner wrist before letting go and searching for his discarded jeans. They didn’t fit him anymore and Craig huffed an annoyed breath, hunting through Shelly’s closet before finding a belt. “Get dressed, let’s see if everyone else is having a fit over the same thing.”
Tweek nodded slowly and pulled on his jeans, shoving his Peter Pan cap into his bag. Once they’d gathered their things, Craig grabbed Tweek’s hand and drew him out of the room, heading downstairs and into the dining room where most of the noise was coming from.
Kenny and Butters were both on the couch, Butters rubbing his knuckles together nervously and Kenny grinning easily as he watched the argument in the kitchen. Neither of them looked different so Craig ignored them and kept going, stiffening a little at Kenny’s laugh and then whistle. “Shit man, you too?”
Craig flipped him off and stepped into the kitchen, taking in the scene. Three girls were standing in the middle and screaming at each other, and at first Craig could only recognise Wendy in the middle, looking stressed and angry as she tried to maintain distance between the other two girls. Stan was standing off to the side and watching, though he had a faraway look in his eyes that suggested he wasn’t even comprehending half of it.
“How the fuck is this my fault? It was probably something to do with your fag jew magic!” The girl on the left screeched and it suddenly clicked for Craig – Cartman. His hair was longer, almost halfway down his back, and he’d grown massive tits to match his large frame. His voice was still as nasally as always though, and the fact he’d always had man boobs meant the only big difference was the hair.
“I don’t have Jew magic you fat turd!” the other girl shouted, moving forward like she was going to strike out before being pushed back by Wendy. It didn’t take long for Craig to place the curly frizzy red hair, though he hadn’t expected Kyle’s new body would gain the curves it did. “This is because you pissed off that damn goth witch!”
“I will not take responsibility for goth bitches!” Cartman shouted, taking a step forward and barely rocking backwards when Wendy shoved at him. The tension in the room was starting to escalate and Craig could feel Tweek’s hand start to tremble in his again.
“Oh for god’s sake, Stan stop being useless and help me out here!” Wendy snapped, pushing herself bodily between Kyle and Cartman and shooting Stan a withering look. They’d remained friends after their final break up last year, but Stan still jumped to attention like a little lap dog whenever Wendy came calling.
Stan hurried over and hesitated a moment, staring at Kyle’s body before another glare from Wendy put him into motion again. He wrapped an arm around Kyle’s waist and pulled him bodily backwards, well away from Cartman on the other side of the kitchen. Kyle flailed a bit and turned his attention onto Stan, bitching that he’d been dragged away from the fight.
“Can someone please tell me what the fuck is going on?” Craig demanded, making an effort to tune Kyle out. Cartman and Wendy both turned to him, Wendy’s face softening with pity and Cartman letting out a derisive snort.
“How fucking ironic that the girl in your faggy relationship got to keep his penis,” he sneered before letting out a girly shriek when Wendy slapped his arm hard.
“Oh shut up Eric,” she snapped before focusing on Craig again. “Honestly, we have no clue. Kyle and Eric just woke up like this, no one else has changed. Well, apart from you, obviously.”
“K-Kyle said something about a goth witch?” Tweek said unsurely, gripping Craig’s hand a little tighter. He’d always been afraid of the goth kids in school, had avoided them at all costs. He’d almost had a meltdown when he’d been assigned to do a group assignment with one of them and ended up having to switch groups.
“Yeah, that goth chick that Stan had that thing with,” Kenny piped up from the doorway, startling Tweek again. He was leaning against the doorframe and watching everything with an amused expression. Craig didn’t miss the way Kenny’s eyes never went above chest level for anyone. “She was skulking around the place last night when Stan and Tweek left for food.”
“I did not have a thing with her,” Stan said with an exasperated sigh but went ignored, even Kyle rolling his eyes.
“Let’s go fucking wail on her until she changes us back, I don’t want to be a stupid chick forever,” Cartman said eagerly, letting out a whiny yelp when Wendy slapped his arm again.
“For once I agree with fatass, let’s go find her,” Kyle said with a stony expression, ignoring the way Stan’s grip on his waist tightened.
“Look, you can’t just barge in guns blazing - metaphorically,” Wendy said, shooting Cartman a pointed look. “If she really did somehow manage to do this, there’s no telling what she could do to you.”
“What then?” Craig asked impatiently. He was already tired of the whole situation, he’d planned to go home and curl up in bed together with Tweek, nursing his hangover before school the next day. Now he was stuck in another one of the weird situations that always seemed to befall this group, which was exactly why he’d tried to avoid them for so long.
Wendy let out a put upon sigh and pushed her hair back as she tried to gather her thoughts. Craig didn’t miss the love bites scattered on her neck but he really, really wished he had. “Well, Stan knew her for a bit, and so did Butters right? Maybe they should go try to talk to her. Besides, do any of you want to be seen by the rest of the town right now?”
Kyle and Cartman seemed to blanch at that and they both looked down at themselves. “Good point,” Kyle muttered, pushing Stan’s arm off him and trying to awkwardly cross his arms over his chest, trying to hide the swell of his new breasts there. The action only drew everyone’s eyes, and Kyle’s face started steadily turning red.
“Well what the hell are we supposed to do in the meantime? Hide away in this hippie house and hope these two fags will somehow save us?” Cartman complained, gesturing to Stan and then to Butters, who’d joined Kenny in the doorway.
“Cartman, you really are one dumb motherfucker,” Kenny laughed, shaking his head. “This gift was wasted on you. Dude, you have tits, go masturbate!”
Kyle and Wendy both snapped “Kenny!” at the same time but Cartman went quiet and contemplative at that, causing Wendy to let out a disgusted noise. “Oh for fucks sake, Stan, Butters, get going,” she snapped.
Stan shot Kyle a worried look but he nodded and left with Butters. Cartman managed to disappear upstairs without anyone noticing since Kyle and Wendy started arguing again. Craig looked over at Tweek who was worrying his lower lip nervously.
“Stop,” he muttered, reaching over and tugging Tweek’s lip until he stopped biting it. Tweek gave him an uncertain smile at that, though he stiffened after a moment when Kenny spoke up.
“As the only one of you three freaks of nature in a relationship, shouldn’t you two be hurrying upstairs to experiment?” Kenny asked teasingly, waggling his eyebrows at them. Craig knew he was mostly harmless but the fact that his teasing made Tweek uncomfortable still pissed him off.
“Oh fuck off, McCormick,” he snapped, pushing past him and dragging Tweek along with him. They went back up to Shelly’s old room and Craig shut the door behind them, making a frustrated noise as he did so. He didn’t often let his stoic façade slip but if he did, it was usually only when Tweek was there to help him put it back on again.
“Craig?” Tweek asked quietly, still keeping a tight clutch on his hand. It’d taken them so long to progress in their relationship physically (it was probably a blessing they’d gotten together so young), and they still weren’t past light kisses and cuddling, but holding hands had always been a staple. It was something that soothed them both, and the whole town was so used to it now they hardly caught any flak from it.
“I shouldn’t have let Stan and Butters go alone, Butters is bound to fuck up and make things worse somehow,” he muttered, leaning against the door. He said nothing about Stan because they were sort of friends, but he didn’t have much faith in him either. Stan had looked spooked and out of it downstairs, and would probably be too distracted by thoughts of Kyle’s tits to be much help to anyone.
“I don’t think they should have either,” Tweek said, his voice hiccupping a little with nerves. Craig was starting to feel a little bitter now with every tic, usually he could soothe them away with just his mere presence. “B-But there’s not much we can do now.”
“Whatever, I don’t care if people see me, I’m going home,” Craig grunted, turning and pulling his sweater on. He put on his hat too, tucking up his new long hair under it. When he looked in the mirror he seemed almost normal, aside from his smaller frame and more feminine face. The sweater was thick enough to hide his tits, since they weren’t really all that big in the first place. Kyle would be the one having trouble hiding, Craig seemed to be blessed with a rather androgynous looking female form.
Tweek looked like he was going to protest but they started to hear that tell-tale squeaking of bed springs again and he hurriedly nodded, grabbing Craig’s hand again. “Let’s get the fuck out of here.”