Robert is in the kitchen drying the plates as someone is at the door knocking, he frowns because there wasn’t meant to be any visitors today. “ Oh hey? I wasn’t expecting you guys here today? Anything okay? “ Robert let’s Diane and Vic into the Mill as they sit down on the couch.
Vic speaks to Rob as he makes them cups of tea. “ Yeh everything is fine nothing to worry about. We were just thinking that we should spend some time with Seb? We were just heading into Hotten and Diane thought instead of Seb sitting inside he should go out. “ Vic sounding happy.
Robert frowns. “ He was going to go out today, we were going to the park and then the pub. “
Diane chips in. “ Yes love but he needs new scenery doesn’t he? We’ll only be few hours tops. “ Both women smile and reluctantly Robert agrees because if he doesn’t they’ll just go on and go on till Robert just loses his cool.
They take Seb with his car seat and put him into the car as they drive away, Robert goes back into the Mill feeling bored what is he meant to do now? Aaron is working, Liv is in college, he decides he just does some work to catch up on.
Few hours later Liv comes in getting on with her college work as Robert helps and cooks the tea, Aaron comes in and when he looks at Robert he has tears in his eyes he looks so upset. Robert rushes to him full of concern. “ Hey? Are you okay? What’s happened? “ he strokes Aaron’s arm as he holds him.
Aaron clears his throat as he pulls away slightly. “ you didn’t get calls or messages today? “
Robert frowns “ no? I haven’t got anything on my phone. let me check. “ he walks over to the couch and gets his phone he looks at the blank screen he sighs. “ It needs charging I totally forgot about it today. Why you asking about my phone anyway has something happened? “ sounding confused, Aaron walks over to him tells him to sit down.
Aaron has fresh tears running down his face he feels his chest tighten. “ you need to listen to me okay? “ Robert nods, feeling something in his gut that something has happened. “ Vic, Diane and Seb went out to Hotten didn’t they? “ another nod he knows something has happened and he’s not going to like it one bit. “ there was a car crash t-they were all in the car when the other crashed into them. The drivers side where Vic was, was crushed, Seb was at the side as well. “ he grabs Robert’s hand as he cries.
Robert feeling whole of his body ache, feeling his chest tighten and tighten till he can’t breathe. “ but they’re okay right? They’re in hospital and they’re going to be okay? “ Robert pleading Aaron.
Aaron looks back up at Robert barely a whisper. “ I’m so so sorry Robert. “
Robert stands up pacing crying freely. “ no, no, no. They’re not dead they can’t be. They can’t leave me they are my only family left. “
Aaron stands up walks over to Robert so he can stop pacing.
“ they all died instantly because of the force they didn’t feel a thing. “
Robert breaks down and then runs to get his car keys runs out of the house, Aaron is rushing as well when they get to the car Aaron stops him. “ no I’m going to drive, your in no fit state. “ Aaron says firmly as Robert passes the keys to him and drive to Hotten general.
“ my sister, step mother and son were involved in a car crash do you know where they are? “ Robert speaks very fast and broken at the reception.
The receptionist spoke calmly to the distrust Robert. “ what is their names sir? “
“ Victoria Sugden, Diane Sugden and Seb white. “ the receptionist finds them and sends Robert and Aaron to the rooms where they are, the doctor finds them and guides Robert and Aaron to a private room.
“ Mr Sugden your family were brought in around 3pm, we couldn’t do anything to help them because they already passed away on the scene of the accident. “
Robert breathes in deeply and starts to cry as Aaron holds him close rubs soothing circles on his back. “ what were the injuries then? When they were brought in? “ Robert spoke sounding desperate.
The Doctor looks over to Aaron to see if he should say Aaron nods his head as the doctor tells Robert. “ your sisters injures were a severe head injury the force of the car had smashed her skull and she died from our checks she didn’t feel anything because she was unconscious, she also had few broken bones and internal bleeding. “ Robert carries on crying into Aaron’s shoulder as he wipes away few tears. “ Your step mother because she is old she had a severe heart attack which did kill her we don’t know why. She had internal bleeding.” The doctor taking in a deep breath because it is hard to tell the man of his only family how they died. “ your son died straight away the force smashed his skull and shattered it, the impact also caused his lungs to fail. “ Robert cries harder and louder not even Aaron can calm him down the doctor tells them Robert can visit them when he has stopped crying.
A while later Robert stopped crying and he was ready to visit his sister first, he stopped at the door he was shaking uncontrollably Aaron stood beside him putting his hand on his arm speaking softly. “ do you want me to go in there with you? “
He shakes his head slowly as he sniffles more. “ Er no, it’s okay I just need to do this myself. “ he gives Aaron a small smile before walking in.
Robert looks at his beautiful, smart and cheeky sister laying on the bed. She looks so peaceful, she looks like she is sleeping, Robert starts to cry again as he sits down next to her bed and takes her hand. It unsettles Robert how hers is cold compared to his warm one.
“ I’m so sorry Vic I should of been there with you, you’re too young to die. “ Robert puts his head down, he physically can’t speak he aches all over. “ I’m going to miss you so much you know? I’m going to miss our conversations about everything and anything, I’m going to miss your smile and how it can light up the whole room. I loved- I love you so much and I didn’t even get to tell you how much a difference you have made me, you’ve changed me as well as Aaron you know? You told me once late at night how I should be myself and I shouldn’t care who else thinks differently because it’s my life and you are so right and now I’ve met the love of my life. “ has a watery smile on his face as he remembers that night during the affair era when they were sitting in the living room watching tv with tub of ice cream and they had a serious moment where they talked. “ I remember when I was a teenager and you were little I used to read to you late at night when dad was out in the farm or drinking down stairs. You always got so excited because I would read all your book and you would fall asleep, or when I played with you in the park or in the farm and play hide and seek. I see some things in you that reminds of dad like how you drive he would put his two hands firmly on the two sides and you do the same, or the sharp tongue. “ Robert stops talking as he looks at his sister he strokes her cheek and remembers all the memories and how they cannot make new ones anymore. “ I’m just glad you got to go to my wedding 3rd one that is. “ Robert chuckles.
“ and how you got to see my son, you got to see me so happy with a husband, and Liv, a home. But now you can’t see me- us have anymore kids because you won’t be here. “ crying again thinking that in the future he won’t have a little sister anymore. “ Vic I’ll always going to see you and talk to ya, I won’t forget you okay? How could I? I’ll let you know everything that is going on in my life. Why did you have to leave me? You should of stayed with me! till we were old and annoying each other. I was going to be the protective brother fighting off blokes you meet, I was going to be your best man at your wedding and was going to do a soppy speech and embarrass you. But now I can’t do that because you have left me. “ Robert breaks out in a cry as he gets up and hugs his sister for ages, when he has finished he kisses her head and walks out to find his husband standing next to the door looking worried he hugs him as Robert makes his way to Diane.
Robert sits next to her, as he breaths in deeply trying to find the words to express how he feels. “ we had our ups and downs mainly because of me, I always cared about you, you know? I didn’t want to disappointment you or Vic because dad he was disappointed in me and I tried to live up to his expectations and I ruined my life and other people’s lives on the way. But I should of done what I wanted, But don’t regret the affair with Aaron yeh I would of done things differently but I don’t regret him. “ tears dripping from his eyes as breaths deeply trying to keep his emotions under control. “ I’m sorry Diane, I’m sorry that I never told you how much I cared about you because I do. “ Robert stays by her side for a while longer before squeezing her hand and leaving, he walks to Seb’s room and holds Aaron’s hand before walking into his room.
Seb laying in his cot looking like he is sleeping soundly, Robert strokes his head as Aaron is silently crying. “ Seb you were too young to die like this you had whole of your life to do amazing things and you’ve died too early. “ Aaron holds Robert’s hand as he speaks.
“ Seb we love you so much, when I held you the first time I just fell in love with you, you were crying and I was the one that calmed you down I knew in that moment that I was okay with you. I see you as my son but now you won’t know that I love you with my whole heart. “ Aaron starts to cry after that sentence Robert grabs him and they hug each other as they cry.
“ I was going to be one of those annoying dads where they would embarrass them at school or in front of their boyfriend or girlfriend. “ Robert speaks into Aaron’s chest as he nods.
“ and I was going to teach him how to build a car or take one down. “ Aaron remembering the things he was going to do with Seb when he was older.
“ i was going to get both of us to teach him how to play football or ride his bike, take him on holidays. “ both men break down in tears as they can’t speak at all they stay sitting on the chair for one hour before the doctors comes in to tell them they need to go, it’s time to leave.
Robert stands up as he takes Seb in his arms and gently rocking him as tears fall onto his face. “ No you can’t take him, he’ll be lonely he needs his dads. He always cries when one of us aren’t here you know? We would read him a bedtime story as he would drift off to sleep and he would grab my hand to hold my fingers as he bite them, he would always used to laugh when me or Aaron would make funny faces at him. One time when we tried to leave him to go to sleep he would cry for ages till eventually we would go back up the stairs or just walk in and comfort him and he would just stop crying. “ Robert smiling as he remembers the memories, he doesn’t notice Aaron crying trying to get Seb out of his arms, he doesn’t notice the doctor having tears in her eyes, he doesn’t notice anything only Seb. “ He could never sleep without his toy elephant, he would tuck it under his arm as he slept, that’s why you can’t take him away he would miss his elephant he wouldn’t sleep otherwise, he would be awake all night till he got his toy. “ Robert’s voice breaking as he spoke.
The doctor walking towards Robert speaking gently to him.
“ Robert it’s time to let him go now. You can see him tomorrow.”
Robert shaking his head. “ no I can’t, he needs me. “ Aaron held Robert as he cried.
“ Rob come on you need to put him back in his cot, you know how he gets when he doesn’t sleep. “ Aaron’s voice breaking as Robert was nodding and gently put him back into his cot and kissed his head. The doctor said her apologies to them and give Aaron a number for counselling for them, they drove away from the hospital and Robert went to Seb’s room till he cried out and fell asleep holding Seb’s blanket as Aaron lay beside him.
Chas told Liv everything and said maybe it was best she stayed at the pub because neither Aaron or Robert would be in any fit state.
The next morning Aaron woke up with his back aching he realised whole of last night was spent crying and helping his husband to control his emotions. He honestly understands what Robert is going through with losing loved ones but he feels so heartbroken and helpless because Robert has lost his only family that was the only connection to his father. Chas rang last night when Robert was sleeping exhausted from the emotional stress and she was very worried about Aaron also Robert but Aaron was her main concern because he was her son, she wanted to walk to the Mill to see them but Aaron had told her there really wasn’t any point both of them wanted to be left alone, especially Robert he wasn’t talking at all after the hospital Aaron was worried but he put it down to shock.
Aaron walks down the stairs as he makes coffee for himself when he hears someone knocking at the door he walks over honestly not feeling for a chat when he notices it is Chas she walks in and sits herself down as she hugs him.
“ are you alright love? “ as she pulls away from him.
“ I mean I’m not fine but I’m more worried about Robert he has lost his only family. “ sounding upset.
“ I know love but I’m asking about you. “
Aaron shakes his head as he leans against the couch arm crossing his arms against his chest. “ I miss Seb you know? With his happy face when he smiles or laughs, how he plays with his toys or when he holds Robert’s fingers or mine. It feels like a piece of him has gone and I just have this ache you know?”
“ I understand love, I understand how it feels to lose someone when you have spent years or months with but it’ll get better won’t it? “
Aaron looks at her feeling a bit angry towards her. “ it doesn’t matter if you have spent months or years with someone it still hurts you when you have been living with them and you loved them like they were your own. “ Aaron’s voice breaks at the last bit, his eyes fill with tears.
“ I’m sorry love, of course you would feel upset with someone passing away. How is Robert then? “
Aaron shrugs his shoulders. “ I dunno he hasn’t said anything, not anything about how he feels. He was a mess though last night Mum. When he was holding Seb he was going on about how lonely Seb would be if we left him and how Seb can’t sleep without his toy elephant. “
Chas was silently wiping away tears as he held Aaron’s hand. “ he was holding when because I think he got a bit scared? When the doctor told us we had to go and he was just talking how Seb would do this or when he went to sleep he would cry when one of us wasn’t there, it seemed like he didn’t even notice the doctor walking in. “ wiping away his own tears.
“ everyone will be here for you and Robert okay? We’ll help you if you feel like your shrugging. “ She hugged Aaron again and he silently cried, she left a while later needing to go back to the pub.
Aaron went upstairs to Seb’s room to see if Robert was awake but he wasn’t there he looked in their room and he was in bed covers covering his frame, you could only see was his hair. Aaron walked to his side of the bed and kneeled down to be his husbands level and gently pulled away the cover to reveal Robert sleeping, he looked exhausted even when he wasn’t awake.
Aaron left him to go downstairs to ring Liv so she can come over, few minutes later Liv come through the door putting her bag onto the table looking pale, sad and red cheeks where it looked like she was rubbing her eyes as she cried, she hugged her brother for few minutes before pulling away, wiping her eyes as some more tears fell down her face. She spoke first in a dazed confused voice. “ I-i just can’t believe Seb’s gone. “ she frowned as she shakes her head. “ he was too young to die he had his whole life to achieve things and now all that has been taken away from him, his life has been ripped away from him. I saw him as a little brother you know? “ She smiled meanly to herself, sounding like a little child herself. “ I felt stupid because he’s not really is he? But I just saw him as a little sibling but now he’s gone now and I’ll never see him grow up. “ new set of tears unleash and she starts to cry once more as well as Aaron both siblings stand there for while just wanting to be hugged when they pulled away, Liv looked around for Robert. “ where’s Robert? “
“ He’s in bed. “
Liv frowned. “ why? “ sounding confused.
“ he had a long day yesterday saying goodbye to Vic, Diane and Seb and it’s taken it’s toll on him. He was crying all yesterday night and eventually fell asleep.”
Liv nodded not knowing what exactly to say, Aaron told her to stay off college today so she went upstairs into her bedroom not wanting to get in the way.
Robert came down shortly after sat down at the table not saying anything he looked exhausted still and he looked blank, emotionless. Aaron sat beside him stroking his arm. “ are you alright? Did you have a alright sleep? “
Robert shrugged his shoulders. “ alright suppose. “ voice flat. There was a knock at the door and Aaron went to get it.
Aaron walked back in. “ Rob? It’s Doug. “ Doug came into the living room sitting at the table opposite Robert.
“ I’m sorry about Vic and Diane Robert. “ Robert nodded his head still not saying anything.
“ Erm about the funerals when do you want to start planning them. “ sounding nervous as he spoke to Robert not wanting to upset him even more.
Aaron shot Doug a glare and then spoke pointedly but softly. “ I think it’s not the right time is it? Maybe we should leave things off for a few days? “
Robert looked at Aaron and frowned. “ well when is the right time Aaron? “
Aaron sat uncomfortable feeling uneasy. “ I’m just saying maybe lay off things few days, we just need things to sink in that’s all. “
Robert shaking his head. “ no, Diane wouldn’t want us to sit around would she? We need to start planning now. “ Robert ran up the stairs to get his laptop.
Doug looked at Aaron spoke gently. “ I don’t want Robert to feel rushed or anything he should do it in his own time. “
“ Robert is just thinking of something else getting his mind of yesterday and now he is just going to push himself into planning this, we can’t do anything but support him now. “
Doug nodded. “ erm. I’m going to sort out Diane’s belongingness after to just let you know if he wants to help. “ Aaron nodded as Robert came down the stairs with notebooks and pens in hand.
For 5 days Robert was pushing himself into the funeral planning, not sleeping or eating and it worried Aaron because he doesn’t want Robert to have another seizure again. Robert also helped with Vic’s belongings sorting them out into boxes Robert was tearing up but didn’t cry until late hours of the morning when he snuck down the stairs knowing Aaron would be asleep. Robert didn’t sort out Seb’s room he didn’t even touch his things and Aaron didn’t ask because that was probably the hardest to do so, Aaron left Robert to do it in his own time.
It was the day of the funerals, Robert was not speaking his movements were slow like someone was sucking out the life in Robert because he looked grey and losing a bit of weight from not eating properly for the past week. Robert organised the funerals to be in the village, friends were allowed to go which was basically everyone, the funeral was nice flowers Diane and Victoria liked, their type of music and photos of them all. After the funeral they went to the graveyard and put them all side by side where Robert’s parents were, Robert broke down crying as everyone else was Aaron tried soothing him but nothing worked, Robert was truly broken and Aaron was worried that he’ll never be the same again. Robert didn’t want to go to the wake he headed back to the Mill, back to bed not having the energy to do anything because he was crying through the funeral.
For the past two weeks Robert didn’t leave the house, didn’t leave their bed at all, he felt just numb he couldn’t move at all, he felt angry at Vic, Diane and Seb because they died but then he felt guilty because he shouldn’t be angry, he felt irritated at everything if Aaron would come in to see if he was okay and Robert would get annoyed, Robert just felt what was the point of moving, he felt why should he carry on living when they died? Seb lost his life and Robert is allowed to move, enjoy his life? It felt wrong to Robert, everything just felt wrong. Even if he did want to carry on through the days with his family Robert had lost all his motivation to do the things he used to do like work, socialise, cook, the normal things you do during the day was difficult for Robert he couldn’t find the energy to move at all.
Chas, Liv and Doug were asking for him worrying about him because after few days of Aaron telling his mum that Robert hasn’t left the bed Chas came straight to the Mill and when she came into the bedroom to find Robert staring at the wardrobe, his hair was growing a bit longer, his face more thinner, dark circles under his eyes.
When Chas tried to speak to Robert about how he was feeling Robert would just carry on looking at the wardrobe he didn’t even look like he was in the room. Chas came back downstairs told Aaron who was pacing in the living looking scared and when he saw the look on Chas’s it didn’t help Aaron becoming more worried for Robert. When she told Aaron that Robert may have severe depression Aaron broke down in tears.
Aaron came up stairs carrying some soup and water hoping Robert would at least have a bit of it. Aaron pushed open the door with his foot gently put the bowl onto Robert’s bedside table. He sat down next to Robert and sighed as he looked at his broken husband, he put his hand in Robert’s hair as he played with it, letting the blondes man hair go through Aaron’s fingers. “ your hair needs cutting soon you know? It’s getting too long but then I wouldn’t mind really. “ he smiled himself but it soon faded by looking at Robert’s blink face didn’t even smile or grin. “ come on Robert let me help you this time. You need to speak to me, I miss your voice so much, hows sad that? I miss my husbands voice even when your annoyed.” He laughed.
Robert spoke quietly sounding like it was taking everything out of him. “ I don’t want to be here.”
Aaron sat in shock then turned to panic. “ w-what do you mean? “
“ I don’t want to be here anymore. I just want to give up and be with Seb, Vic and Diane. I miss them so much and they are my only family who I could talk to but now I’ve got no one. “
Few tears escaping Robert’s eyes he made no attempt to wipe them away.
“ b-but you have me and Liv. You have whole of the Dingles don’t ya? “
“ they’re not my family are they? They’re yours and I can’t talk to them about my problems they only care about you. I can’t talk to you because it’ll put to much stress on you and worry you and you start to self harm again because you would feel you can’t speak to anyone about what I have told you. “ speaking in a flat tone sounding like he has just given up.
“ I’m strong enough for two of us Rob, I’ve got a clear mind set now. And your wrong you know? They care about you and treat you like your their own now. Please Rob don’t give up on us, on me I can’t lose you Robert I wouldn’t survive any longer if I didn’t have you by my side Rob. “ Aaron speaks in a broken desperate voice pleading his husband not to leave their life because Aaron would spiral out of control and nobody would ever bring him down.
“ I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you cry Aaron “ Aaron cups Robert’s face and gently kisses his forehead, he lays down beside him as Robert turns to face him and he holds Aaron’s hand.
“ I know you don’t but you’ve really worried me you know? I just want to help you. Please just tell me what your feeling and we can get you help. “
Robert sighs before speaking feeling his chest tighten a bit but he tries to ignore it and tell Aaron in so many ways of how he is feeling. “ I just feel like I’m floating away from everything and all I want to do is let it. “ he breaths in deeply trying to keep his nerves under control.
Aaron strokes his cheek feeling tears run down side of his face as they hit the pillow. “ don’t float away from me Robert. “
“ Also feel like I’m in this dark tunnel and I can’t get out, I just want to lay here and not do anything because I feel what is the point of living when Seb died? I just feel so guilty and horrible that he died but I’m allowed to carry on? I know it wasn’t my fault but I just feel so guilty. I miss Vic and Diane having conversations with them and they were the last connection to my dad and now I’ve got nobody, I’ve got no family. “
“ we can get you help though can’t? I know you miss your family and I know they were the last connection to your dad but you can always remember the happy memories because they wouldn’t like you being like this would they? They would want you to be happy and enjoy your life!”
Robert nods his head. “ I know they wouldn’t want me to be like this but I can’t help it, I’ve just gone down this tunnel of fog and it feels like I can’t get out and sometimes I don’t want to. “
“ I know you can’t help it. “ he gently strokes his cheek.
He sniffles again trying to get rid of the lump formed in his throat. “ I really miss Seb. He was meant to be a chance for me to be a better person, a better dad than my dad was to me. I wanted to love him and show him that whoever he was it didn’t matter because I would always love him no matter what and now I can’t because he’s gone. “ tears run down his face and he can’t stop crying it feels like a dam has broken.
Aaron has a pained expression on his face as he looks at his Husband. “ Rob, you are a better person and you will never be like your dad. Your nothing like him okay? But you can have other chances to show your a better dad couldn’t you? And we would never forget Seb. “ Robert nodding too emotional to speak he just hugs Aaron and puts his head on his chest.
“ please Robert don’t give up because it’s taken us ages to get where we are now I don’t want that to go away. You need to ring the doctors or go to the doctors tomorrow because you need help okay? “
“ Okay. To just let your mind settle a bit I wouldn’t give up on us and do something stupid I just feel like it sometimes. “ Robert speaks barley a whisper, Aaron holds him tighter kisses him on the head making sure that Robert wouldn’t leave in the middle of the night without him knowing.
Robert makes a doctors appointment.
Anyone liking this so far???
The next morning Aaron wakes up feeling the warmth and strong arms of his husband, around him in the first time in 3 weeks and it made Aaron so happy. Every night when Aaron went to bed Robert would face away from him, they wouldn’t touch like they used to before, they didn’t have their late night chats, they would sleep in silence and it hurt Aaron because it felt like his husband was slipping away from him, but now Robert espoke to Aaron how he felt last night and they fell asleep holding each other it must mean it is a good sign.
Aaron notices it is 9am Robert is still asleep Aaron’s not that worried because he would sleep in till late morning. Aaron decides to check on Liv to see if she has gone to college she isn’t there so Aaron assumes she’s gone. He goes downstairs makes himself a coffee, also notices the kitchen is a mess with food on the units so Liv has eaten which means she hasn’t gone without any food one thing not to worry about.
After Aaron makes his coffee he goes back up to see if Robert is awake and he is, Aaron sits beside him and gently strokes his cheek giving him a light kiss. “ hey, you ready to make a doctors appointment? “
“ i don’t know if I have the strength to stand up, I just feel so weak. “ Robert pulls the covers over himself which Aaron gently pulls them back again.
“ what if I help you get out of bed? Get some food down you and we start off from there okay? “ speaking softly.
Robert nods his head as he pulls the covers off himself completely and pulls himself up into a sitting position. He feels a bit dizzy but he manages to swing his legs over the edge, Aaron is watching him to see if he is having any difficulty, he doesn’t want to interfere and cause Robert to push him away so if Robert needs him he will help.
Robert looks up and sees Aaron watching him he feels a bit embarrassed but he really needs to say this. “ erm.... I think I need your help to stand up or I’ll just fall into a heap on the floor. “ Robert feels his cheeks get red.
Aaron helps Robert up and Robert is a bit shaky but he manages to stand on both of his feet. Aaron notices how baggy his clothes are on him and how Aaron can feel the bones on Robert, Aaron tries to ignore the concern and worry and pushes it to a side for now. They make it down the stairs as Robert sits on the chair at the table, the short walk tiring him out quickly.
Aaron is in the kitchen getting a glass filling it up with water passing it to Robert. “ what do you want to eat? “
Robert cringes as he looks away for a second before looking back at Robert. “ I’m not hungry.”
“ tough. Your eating something now, you barely eaten anything in weeks! I’ll make you toast. “ as he starts to put the bread into the toaster and Robert is just watching his husband.
He eats the toast and asks for thirds because surprisingly he is starving, secondly the toast is very nice and Aaron is more than happy to keep Robert eating toast because he is actually eating something.
Aaron leans his arms on the counter as he watches his husband down the water.
“ when are you making the call then? “
Robert sighs as he gives the plate and glass to Aaron.
“ might as well do it now. “ Aaron passes the phone to Robert and he dials the phone number tells the receptionist about his symptoms before ending the call. “ they want me to go in at 2pm. “ Robert says flatly.
Aaron frowns. “ not a earlier one?” Sounding confused.
“ nope. I’m going back to bed. “ as he feels the sad mood start to creep over him again, weirdly he felt okay this morning but now he feels helpless and doesn’t want to do anything anymore.
Aaron grabs him by the arm as his eyes well up with tears. “ no Rob please don’t go back to bed, you were alright this morning what’s happened? “
Robert looks back at Aaron with a blank expression. “ I don’t know. I felt alright this morning but suddenly I feel helpless and all I want to do is go to bed and hide from everyone again. “ his voice sounding flat, sounding like he has given up again.
“ can you just stay here then? Please?” Aaron pleading his husband, when Robert agrees Aaron feels relief as he guides him to the couch but when Robert spots one of Seb’s toys, he stars crying.
“ hey? What’s the matter? “ sounding totally confused.
“ Seb used to love playing with his bear. “ Robert points to the bear lying on the floor just about hiding underneath the table, Aaron sighs as he closes his eyes knowing that he should of put it away in Seb’s room. “ he used to play with it all the time didn’t he? Do you think he misses him? If he didn’t have his elephant he would have that bear. “ Aaron lays Robert down as he cry’s into the pillow.
Aaron wiped away some of his own tears before pulling the blanket over Robert. “ yes he does miss it, and he would sleep with it as well as his elephant. “ lump fully formed in his throat as he watches Robert drift off to sleep. Aaron goes gets the teddy bear and sits down on the chair and crying into it, he has been trying to be strong for Robert and he needs a moment to fall apart without Robert seeing him like this. Aaron has missed Seb even when he woke him up at 3am.
Few hours later Aaron wakes up Robert stating that they need to go or they’ll be late for Robert’s appointment. Robert comes out of the office 10 minuets later and says he is on Anti- depressants, the Doctor said that Robert has clinical depression. “ has he said anything else? “ Robert shrugs his shoulders. “ if I feel worse I need to talk to him or speak to a councillor. I need to take these for few weeks and if I get side effects I still need to take them. “ Aaron nods his head expecting to be more said? But Aaron is happy that Robert has gone to the doctors and at least got some help.
The following day after the doctors Robert went to bed not having the energy to do anything anymore. He was still sleeping and it was past 10am Aaron was tempted to wake him up because Robert needed to start his medication, he can’t push it to a side and hope his depression will go away by itself.
So, Aaron went with his idea of waking him up because he didn’t want to wait any longer he took the glass full of cold water with the pills. He put them on Robert’s bedside table and gently shook Robert till he groaned and woke up after 2 minuets of trying wake him up from his deep slumber.
“ what? “ Robert’s words muffled by laying on his pillow sleeping back to sleep.
Aaron put his fingers in the water and flicked him with the water splashing him on the face, Robert opened his eyes and frowned. “ Why the fuck did you do that for?” Sounding irritated by the second.
Aaron played innocent ignoring his husbands mood. “ you were falling asleep and it took me ages to wake you up. Here are your pills and water. “ Robert huffed and dragged himself to sit up and took the pill with the water as Aaron was watching him to see if he took it.
Robert lay back down put his head to the pillow. “ done. You can go now. “ already closing his eyes.
Aaron frowned. “ that it? You can’t be already tired? “
“ yes I am tired. I haven’t got anything else to do have I? “
“ Err you got work to do for starters. “ Robert ignored him waited till Aaron left the room with a hurt and sad face on.
3 hours later Aaron heard someone moving around upstairs he went to look and found Robert in the bathroom leaning against the toilet.
“ are you okay? “ Aaron knelt down beside his husband.
“ no. I feel sick, I think I’m going to be sick. “ Robert tried to heave into the toilet before leaning his head against the cold bath. “ I’ve also got blurred vision, I feel tired but can’t go to sleep. The pill didn’t agree with me. “
Aaron rubbed Robert’s back. Giving him a sympathetic look. “ it is more likely to be side effects Rob. The Doctor said you need to carry on taking them even if you do get side effects. Come on you’ll be better if you went to bed had a lay down, before having tea. “ Aaron helped Robert up before walking into their bedroom putting Robert onto the bed covering the blanket over him. Robert fell asleep again minutes later.
Aaron went to see Chas speak to her about Robert and how he is feeling about the whole situation. He felt better after his chat and decided to see if Doug was okay, which he was doing fine as the days gone on. Aaron told him that he’ll always be there if Doug needed a chat, he was very grateful with the option. Aaron went to the scrapyard to do some work because he barley has done anything with helping Robert.
He spent about 3 hours ripping cars apart before spending another hour doing paperwork trying to catch up on everything. He rang Liv to see if she was going back home to have tea and she was already there. Aaron asked if Robert was up and about and she said he was downstairs having cup of tea with few biscuits. Aaron let her know he’ll be back soon, he was happy that Robert wasn’t in bed and actually having a drink, he just hoped that Robert’s pills will help him.
He walked into the Mill saw Liv on the couch watching Tv with Robert beside her actually laughing and smiling. It brought happy tears to his eyes. “ what you two been doing today then?” He walked over to them messing Livs hair as she swatted his hand away, gently kissed Robert on the forehead. He walked to the kitchen pulled out a family sized lasagna started cooking it.
Liv spoke up not letting her eyes drift off the television. “ we’ve just been sitting here haven’t we Rob? “ He nodded as he smiled at Aaron.
They all ate at table laughing and joking with Aaron giving Robert soft looks putting his hand on his thigh. Liv went back upstairs as Robert spoke to Aaron as he was washing the dishes. “ I- I think it’s time to sort out Seb’s room. “ Robert sounding heartbroken.
Aaron was floored. “ are you sure? I’ve been waiting for you when you were ready. Not to guilt trip you or anything. “ feeling a bit of panic rise but relaxing when he didn’t upset Robert.
“ I know your not. But I think it’s time you know? Because if we keep his stuff here longer it’s going to be longer to let go. “ Robert took in a deep breathe. felt tears well up in his eyes. “ I just don’t him thinking we’re going to forget him. “
Aaron hugged Robert spoke into his shoulder. “ we’ll never forget our son okay? He will always be here with us. “ Robert nodding not trusting his voice before pulling Aaron’s hand walking up the stairs to Seb’s room.
Both men standing by the closed door feeling the dull ache come back. Robert looked over to Aaron seeing tears roll down his face, as he squeezed his hand. “ are you sure your ready? Because I don’t want you to do this just for me you know? You need to be ready as well. “
“ I think I’m never going to be ready but we need to let him go before we move forward. We’ll always love him. “ Robert nodding pulling his husband into a hug and opening the door.