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Kissing The Moon

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Most of Katsuki’s trip back to UA was a blur. His head was full of cotton and he was fighting to keep his eyes open. His phone screen shook in front of him, making difficult to focus on the directions. Shit, just putting one foot in front of the other was a struggle. Then when he finally made it, it took him three attempts to scale the wall and grab his pass before collapsing onto the grass on the other side.

Katsuki got back to the dorm at around three in the morning. The building was dark and fast asleep as he stumbled through the door. There were a few things left around in the common room to indicate a flurry of activity had taken place down there earlier. Discussions about the upcoming festival and what they might do. A notepad was lying on the coffee table with the word “band” written in all caps and circled several times. Someone’s laptop was charging on the couch. A jacket he didn’t recognise was in a crumpled heap on the floor. Katsuki blinked at the disarray as he pulled off his gloves and stuffed them in the pocket of his hoodie. He’d completely forgotten about the damn cultural festival. Maybe he should… Should just focus on that. Instead of the League. Instead of putting himself in danger.

Oh God. Katsuki had almost died.

His legs shook as he sank down onto one of the couches. His hands gripped his hair and he bit his lip as he struggled not to cry. Katsuki's eyes had been steadily leaking tears the entire walk back to the dorms. Now his face was covered in dried tear tracks that left his skin feeling crusty. But he forced himself not to cry. He took slow breaths in and out. Tried to relax. Tried to forget about everything. But as he sat there and the memories of what happened that night washed over him, Katsuki couldn’t help but let more tears flow. Eventually he pressed a hand to his face to muffle the sounds, and just sobbed. Ugly sobs that had his entire body heaving and his lungs aching. Fat teardrops splattered onto the carpet in between his feet. Snot rolled out of his nostrils onto his fingers. His throat was raw, his lungs heaving, his stomach twisting.

He could still feel Shigaraki’s hand on his face. Still smell the cloying scent of dust and decay that was lacing his skin. It seemed to have crept into Katsuki’s nostrils and down his throat. And he could almost taste his palm on his lips still. Katsuki choked. He sobbed even harder.

He could still feel Himiko’s hand on him, too. The way she’d pulled up his shirt and placed her fingers right on his stomach. He could feel her soft palm pressing onto his muscles, over the burns and scratches, how she’d moved upwards ever so lightly so her fingertips brushed over his chest. God, what if she’d moved higher? What if she’d moved lower?

Katsuki shuddered at the memory of all those hands on his naked flesh. He dug his fingertips into his face and heaved. He wanted to claw his skin off and get rid of the memory. He wanted…

He didn’t know what he wanted.

Katsuki sat there for a long time, until the tears stopped coming and he was left tired and raw. When he was done crying he stayed hunched over staring at the carpet. He couldn’t move. Until his phone buzzed in his pocket. Katsuki’s eyes flickered in the direction of the buzzing, terrified of what he’d find. He only knew one person who’d text him that late. He didn’t want to talk to him. Wanted to be left alone. But Katsuki’s hands went to his phone and held it out in front of him to read the words Dabi had sent.

that was fun we should do it again

let me know you got back safe

Katsuki growled and almost threw his phone across the room. He wanted to grab Dabi and punch him over and over until the staples came out of his face and his damn skull shattered and he just disappeared. He wanted to punish him! For everything! For fucking him, for texting him, for dragging him into that hellhole and letting his villain friends put their hands all over his body and… And…

Katsuki’s stomach lurched. He gagged, a hand going to his mouth. With a splutter, Katsuki ran to the nearest bathroom and threw up into the first toilet he could reach. Acid and his dinner and all the memories of the touches from the night poured out of his mouth in one hideous fountain. When he was done puking his guts out, Katsuki sank to the floor for another round of ugly sobbing. What the fuck was wrong with him?

Katsuki’s hand shook as he stared down at his phone. A tear trickled down his cheek. He tapped out a response.

Leave me alone.

Almost as soon as he sent the text, his phone buzzed again. An unknown number was calling him. Katsuki stared at the phone in his hand as it vibrated, but he refused to answer. The phone vibrated. Then fell silent. Almost immediately, it buzzed again. Same number. When Katsuki let that one ring out, Dabi called again. He clearly wanted Katsuki to pick up. Katsuki shuddered and slumped his head forward. But he clicked the answer button and held his phone to his ear.

“What?” he croaked.

“So you did get back safe,” Dabi said. He was annoyingly chipper. Katsuki could hear that shit-eating grin he always had plastered on his face. Could practically smell his smokey breath.

Katsuki hunched over. “Yeah. I’m back. No thanks to you.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“You just…” He swallowed and coughed at the taste of his mouth. “You’re a bastard.”

“Yeah. I know. Is this news to you?”

“No.” Katsuki snorted, rubbing his eye with a hand. More tears trickled over his face.

“So what’s with the name calling?”

“I just… He tried to kill me.”

“Who? Tomura?” Dabi gave a small snort. “No he didn’t. He was just giving you a warning. It’s not a big deal, he’s done the same thing to me. And why does that make me a bastard? I didn’t tell him to do that. In face, if you remember, I told him to back off.”

“Whatever.” Katsuki shuddered. “You just kicked me out of the building after it happened. You made me walk back by myself.”

“Of course I did. You were pretty desperate to leave, I had to chase you down to actually give you directions how to get back to UA. I wasn’t going to force you to stay or walk with me. Did you want me to hold your hand and walk you back to your dorm and tuck you in or something?”

“No.”

“Did you want to get seen with me so we could both get arrested?”

“No.”

“Then what did you want from me?”

“I don’t know.” Katsuki pressed his hand to his face and felt more tears roll down his cheeks. “Why did you call me?”

“I’m just checking that my favourite virgin got home safe and sou-“

“Bullshit!” Katsuki could feel his blood boiling, and he spat venom. “Stop acting like you care about me! I know you fucking don’t, you just want to fuck me and make fun of me and stand back and let your shitty villain buddies try to murder me! You’re an asshole! You’ve always been an asshole. Fuck you. Never fucking call me again, I’m done! I want you to leave me alone. I want you to die! I want-“

Katsuki, will you stop being a little bitch for three fucking seconds?”

Katsuki’s breath got caught in his throat. He stared at the tile in front of him, his heart thumping in his chest and his brain struggling to process what had just happened. It… Dabi had yelled. Actually yelled at him over the phone. It was the first time Dabi had ever actually sounded angry rather than, like, wryly amused. Katsuki had no idea how to respond to that. He felt more tears roll down his cheeks. Shit, his head was really starting to hurt. He was so dehydrated. So tired.

“Sorry,” Dabi said on the other side of the phone. “I don’t want to yell, I just… Fuck. You’re a real piece of work, you know that?”

“What do you mean?”

“Look, I know you hate me and for good reason. I’m basically the worst person you could ever put your dick in. By a long shot. But believe it or not, as unloveable and ornery and stupid as you are, I actually care about you and don’t want you to die in an alley. So I called to make sure you were okay. And I’d appreciate it if you didn’t snap at me or swear at me or call me an asshole. Okay?”

Katsuki didn’t know how to respond to that. He stared at the tile, his head buzzing and more tears rolling down his face. He swallowed. His throat felt raw and almost tacky. “You care about me?”

“Hard to believe, I know. But someone has to.”

“You’re so full of shit.”

“Don’t believe me if you want, won’t stop being true.”

Katsuki curled over himself, his hand going to his hair. This was bullshit. Dabi was such a bastard and all he did was fucking lie. Katsuki hated him so much.

“I should call the police on you,” Katsuki snarled. “I’m going to! I’m going to fucking get every Hero I can to storm that stupid building and arrest all of you.”

“Oh yeah? And how will you explain to them how you know where we are?”

“Anonymous tip-off,” Katsuki spat. He’d already planned that out. Anonymous tip-off, telling police and all the Heroes he could contact exactly where they could find those pricks. Sure, it wouldn’t have the same punch or fame for him as if he brought them down himself, but at this point he didn’t give a shit. He was shaking and he had vomit on his chin and he was exhausted and he just wanted the League to disappear and leave him alone.

He waited for Dabi to panic and tell him to calm down and not do it, beg him to please reconsider. Anything.

Instead, Dabi just gave a small sigh. “Think about this for five minutes, Katsuki.”

Katsuki growled. Why didn’t this asshole ever take him seriously? Why did he always mock him and make fun of him and serve him up to the rest of the League on a platter so he could get threatened and almost killed, then just kiss him and shove him out the door?

“I have thought about it,” he snapped. “I’ve thought about it and I’m going to do it. I’m going to hang up now and I’ll call the police and leave an anonymous tip and-“

“And we’ll all be captured and handcuffed and taken off to jail,” Dabi finished for him. “Yeah I know. But think a little further. What’ll they do to me?”

“Like I care.”

“You’ll care. Think. What will they do to me?”

Katsuki glared at the floor, his brain turning and chunking over what Dabi was saying. What? Why would he care what they’d do to him? Because Dabi said he cared about Katsuki? No way, Dabi could rot. He rubbed his nose with the back of his hand and huffed. “It doesn’t matter what they’ll do to you, you deserve to be in jail.”

“Yeah, I do,” Dabi agreed. “You should call them. Call them and have me arrested so you’ll never see me again and, I guess, you’ll never sleep again. But when they arrest me, you know what’ll happen? One of the first things they’ll do? Strip search. And a medical exam.”

Katsuki scowled. What was Dabi talking about? Why would he care about any of that? Why…

His blood froze in his veins.

Oh.

Oh no.

Oh no no no no!

The image slammed into his brain with the force of a truck: Dabi lying on the ground with dirt on his back and bruises on his neck and Katsuki’s cum dribbling out of his ass. Fuck. They’d see- They’d know- Shit!

Katsuki felt his stomach churn and he lurched forward, vomiting again. He’d already puked so much before, there wasn’t really anything else he could do but retch and spit out a disgusting mouthful of acid. When he was done, he sat hunched over the bowl and sobbed. Not as much as before. He didn’t think he had enough tears left in him to cry like that again. And he clamped a hand to his mouth to try and hold the sounds in. But the sobs still forced their way out of his mouth and a few hot tears rolled down his face and over the back of his hand.

He was such a mess! So damn pathetic. He couldn’t even fucking call the police right to let them do their jobs. He’d just let his horny brain get in the way and he’d fucked Dabi bareback and now if he tried to do something productive then the police would know what he’d done. They’d know what a freak he was…

As Katsuki was hunched there feeling all of his insides try to force their way out of his mouth, he heard a muffled voice. Dabi was talking to him again. He looked down. His phone was sitting on the floor where he’d dropped to to throw up. Katsuki didn’t want to talk to him. But he picked the phone up and pressed it to his ear.

“-Up your phone, pick up your phone, pick up your phone,” Dabi was chanting in a monotone.

“I picked up the goddamn phone,” Katsuki muttered. Another tear dribbled down the side of his nose and evaporated off of his skin.

“That sounded awful. Are you okay? Did you eat something or what?”

“No.”

“Don’t tell me you’re throwing up because of what Tomura and Himiko did.”

Katsuki didn’t answer. He curled over himself, his toes scrunching in his shoes and his arm wrapping around his legs. He just wanted to lie on the floor and let the ground devour him. More tears rolled down his cheeks.

Dabi hummed on the other side of the phone. “Sometimes I forget you’re just a kid,” he said. “Okay, look. Tonight was a bust. We could’ve done way better. But those guys didn’t actually believe you’d come, so they weren’t prepared. Next time you meet them, they’ll know ahead of time.”

“I’m not going back.”

“Oh? How are you going to bring down the League if you don’t? Are you turning it into a remote operation?”

“No.” Fuck. Katsuki was so tired, he couldn’t think straight. Dabi needed to shut up so he could concentrate. He pressed his hand to his head and took a breath to steady himself. “I don’t want them touching me again.”

“Hm.” Dabi sucked in his breath. “I can ask the boss, but he doesn’t listen to me. And Himiko… None of us can really control what she puts her hands on. She’s got some issues, be patient with her.”

Katsuki could feel her hand on his stomach, fingers digging in, palm moving up towards his chest. The fresh burns along his stomach twinged.

“I’m not going to be…” Katsuki’s words died in his throat. He was so tired! He wanted the night to end! “Leave me alone. Go die in a ditch or something.”

On the other side of the phone, Dabi sighed. “Okay… I’m sorry you’re so bent out of shape from all this. I am. I hate hearing that you’re this upset by something the League did, it’s not what I want. But you don’t get to take it out on me. Okay? You’re the one who walked into the base of a bunch of murderers with no real plan. I did what I could to mitigate things, but we're still villains. Things will get intense sometimes. So take some time to yourself if you want, but don’t be pissy at me when all I’ve done is try and check in on someone who I care about. And don’t talk shit on the people I work with.”

Katsuki didn’t answer. He stared at the tiled for a long time. Finally, he muttered, “Fine.”

“That’s it? You’re not even going to apologise to me?”

Katsuki hunched over. “I’m sorry,” he muttered. A hot tear ran down his nose and dripped onto the floor.

“Thank you. That wasn’t hard, was it?”

Katsuki didn’t answer. Dabi gave another small sight. “I’ll call you later,” he said. “Go get some rest. Okay? Next time you meet them I’ll make sure it goes better.”

Dabi hung up.

Katsuki’s hand slipped down from his ear, his phone clicking onto the floor. He stayed hunched over for what felt like forever, just staring at the tile in front of him. His head was buzzing and his vision was blurry and his tongue tasted like leather. Another tear rolled down his face and dried on his skin.

Fuck. He hated himself. He was so goddamn stupid, he couldn’t believe it. He just couldn’t do anything right, could he? First he’d been a horny dumbass and jumped at the chance to fuck Dabi out in the open where anyone could see, and actually came inside of him. Urgh and he was probably loaded with STDs too, that was the stupidest thing Katsuki could’ve done. So of course the police would do a medical exam of him if Katsuki called them, of course they’d find Katsuki’s DNA all over his body, of course they’d know immediately everything they’d been doing. His Hero career would be smashed to pieces before it had even begun. Nobody would give a license or an internship to the guy who let one of the League of Villains fuck him. Only he was the moron stupid enough to do that.

And then after he’d been such a moron that he’d fucked Dabi without thinking, he’d managed to stumble right into the League and he’d screwed that up, too! Shigaraki had been right there! And Katsuki didn’t do anything. God, he could’ve set off his quirk and blown the bastard to smithereens, but no he’d been a pussy and just stood there scared because the guy had touched his face. And he’d cried because some girl with a high schooled fetish had touched him a little.

Heroes didn’t do this. Heroes didn’t cry and throw up in the bathroom at four in the morning. Katsuki wrapped his arms around his body. He felt the fresh burns along his torso twinge. His skin was filthy and covered in sweat. He needed to wash. Wash the entire night off of him.

The bathroom was dark and empty when Katsuki stepped into it. He quickly shed his clothes and started the shower, scrubbing his body as best as he could. The burns on his front were bright red and raw. Dabi had been a bastard that night. Yeah right he cared about him. Katsuki pressed his fingertips to the new handprint on his hip and hissed. He looked at himself in the mirror. A tired failed hero with sunken eyes and bright red marks over their stomach stared back at him. Katsuki pressed his hand to his chest tentatively. He was pathetic. Weak. Ugly. How the fuck could anyone care about him?

Urgh. He shook his head in annoyance. He was too tired for this, Dabi was getting into his head. He was always doing that. Always poking him and messing with him and calling him those stupid nicknames and phoning him at the worst times and making fun of him for the shit Deku said.

Deku.

Katsuki’s hand moved in small circles over his back, scrubbing suds over his shoulder blades. He felt Dabi’s breath on his ear again, heard his low voice saying, “What am I meant to think when you’re talking about someone else as I’m eating you out? That you don’t want to fuck him?”

Katsuki’s stomach clenched. His toes curled on the floor of the bathroom.

He didn’t… He didn’t want to fuck Deku. Dabi was such an asshole saying something like that. Urgh, Katsuki didn’t even want to think about that it was so gross. Deku was… Urgh. No. Katsuki angrily scrubbed at his body with the washcloth, trying to get rid of all the dirt he felt clinging to him. The water ran over him, steaming off of his body. But he could still feel Dabi’s cold breath on his ear, still hear his words rattling around in his brain.

“Don’t worry, you’re allowed to have crushes. I think it’s cute.”

Katsuki growled and turned the shower off at the tap. When he got up, the burns and scratches down his front spasmed in pain. He pressed his stomach to his front and hissed, shaking his head. He’d have to be very careful to make sure nobody saw these until they healed. Or he needed to get into a fight with half-and-half at their next supplementary class so he had some plausible deniability.

But Deku would probably see right through it. Probably stop Katsuki after class again and ask him what was wrong, try to get into Katsuki’s brain and nose through his personal life as if it was any of his business. Maybe he was the one with the crush, which was why he was so obsessed! He always had been an annoying little thorn in Bakugou’s side, always following him around and trying to be just like him and thinking he could insert himself in Bakugou’s life. That’s the only reason Katsuki always spoke about him to Dabi. He was an annoyance with his own crush. He probably wanted to fuck Katsuki or something.

What would he think if he knew what Katsuki had been doing with Dabi?

Katsuki’s insides clenched. He decided not to think about that…

He didn’t sleep that night. Just lay in bed staring at the ceiling as his clock flashed the time at him, trying to work out what was going on in his brain. If Dabi was telling the truth or lying. Not that that question needed much consideration. Of course everything Dabi said was bullshit. Katsuki didn’t have a crush on Deku, the two of them were just tangled up in this Hero course with All Might and Deku’s quirk and everything else. There was nothing there. Just Dabi pushing his buttons. And as for the other thing he’d said… Yeah no shit that was a straight-up lie. Had to be. Had to be. Who’d ever care about someone like Katsuki?

He felt another tear roll down his cheek onto the pillow.

When he rolled onto his side, the burns on his stomach ached.

Yeah, he thought bitterly to himself. There was no way anyone could care about him.