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I.

 

We don’t need a tennis court.

 

Maybe I’ll take up tennis.

 

You’re not gonna take up tennis, Phil.

 

You don’t know, maybe I’d be good at it. Maybe I could be a tennis professional.

 

A tennis professional?

 

Yeah, maybe I have an undiscovered talent. Wasted potential. It’s so sad.

 

Phil. Tennis is exercise. Outside. In the sun. You’d catch on fire. If you don’t trip over your own feet and break your neck first.

 

Ok, so maybe no tennis court.

 

II.

 

We need a bathtub.

 

Agreed.

 

But it has to be a big bathtub.

 

Phil, for the last time, bathtubs aren’t meant to be the size of swimming pools.

 

My knees, Dan, think of my knees.

 

We’ll put it on the list.

 

III.

 

I want a pool.

 

You realize that pools are outside? You’d have to go outside to use it?

 

Yes, you spork, I realize pools are outside.

 

And they take a lot of maintenance. Who’s gonna take care of it?

 

We’ll hire a pool boy, of course. A hot one.

 

In that case, no pool, Dan.

 

Aw, come on, Philly. Remember the pool at the rainforest house?

 

Ok, a pool but no pool boy. You can be the pool boy.

 

Kinky, I like it.


IV.

 

This one says it has a pet door and a special bathtub made for doggos.

 

We don’t have a dog, Phil.

 

We don’t have a dog yet. We’re gonna have two dogs. At least.

 

We’ll put it in the ‘maybe’ pile.

 

V.

 

How many bedrooms did we decide on again?

 

Ah, let’s see. A guest room for family, one for your channel, the master, and-

 

And 2 more.

 

And two more. For later.

 

VI.

 

This one has a lovely flower garden.

 

Lemme see? Oh, wow, it’s gorgeous isn’t it?

 

You could do yoga in that garden. It’s Zen.

 

Phil, do you even know what Zen is?

 

I know what Zen is! It’ll be good for you, I think. You could have that koi pond you’ve always talked about and meditate or whatever. Maybe I’ll grow some oranges. Or start a cacti farm.

 

Phil... I love you, too. You absolute buffoon.

 

VII.

 

Damn, but that is a big backyard.

 

Dan. Please.

 

It is though! It’s a big backyard. We’ll have to buy power tools, we’ll have to mow the grass. We’ll have to mulch things.

 

There’s room for a trampoline.

 

Phil, do you want a trampoline?

 

Who doesn’t want a trampoline?

 

Won’t you get motion sick on a trampoline?

 

Stop trying to kill my bouncy dreams, Daniel.

 

VIII.

 

We don’t need a garage, Phil.

 

But where will we keep our car?

 

We don’t have a car.

 

What if we get a car?

 

We’re not going to get a car, Phil.

 

We could.

 

I’m not letting you anywhere near an automobile, Philip.

 

Fine. Let’s see the next one then.

 

Are you actually upset over an imaginary car?

 

We could get a car.

 

We’re not getting a car. Here, have some Tangfastics and chill out.

 

IX.

 

Right, this one seems perfect on the surface.

 

Right.

 

A decently sized garden-

 

Zen

 

Yes, Phil. And room for a bloody trampoline.

 

Bouncy!

 

I’m going to regret this aren’t I?

 

Will you?

 

I wasn’t being serious Phil. I’m sure you’ll survive time on a trampoline.

 

No, I mean, do you think you’ll regret this? Buying a place together? Because we don’t have to you know, we could wait, see how it goes.

 

Are you trying to back out of buying a forever home with me, Philly?

 

No, no, I just wanted to give you the chance...just in case.

 

We’ve talked about this a million times, Phil. We have a plan. I won’t change my mind.

 

Even when I’m a tennis professional and I’m on the road all the time with my tennis pals and you’re home alone with our children and two dogs?

 

I…. Phil.

 

I’m just saying...are you crying? Why are you crying?

 

We’re gonna have children. And a dog.

 

Two dogs.

 

And a pool boy.