Actions

Work Header

feelings

Chapter Text

Times like this were the best.

Oikawa sat down at the lunch table, friends all around him. Iwaizumi sat beside him, checking something on his phone, Matsukawa and Hanamaki were feeding each other whatever food they had. Oikawa had a smile on his face, elbow resting on the table, chin on his palm. Though it sucks that the others can't sit with them due to conflicting schedules, Oikawa is happy to have time with at least some of his friends. Why couldn't all days be like this? Just being friends? Well, the answer is simple.

The world fucking hates him.

By even though the world seems to hate it when he's smiling, he makes sure he goes through with it happily. He doesn't want to worry anyone for any reason. He isn't depressed, he isn't sad, but it seems like the world just throws literally everything at him. The only reason he hasn't fallen by thus point is because of one man.

While Oikawa was in his mind, he faintly heard Matsukawa and Hanamaki playfully flirting with each other and talking about thy best memes.

"Nah man, I'd drop it low for my man Harambe."

"Dude, same."

"I'd drop it low for you."

"Thanks man, I'd do the same for you. But, you know, Shrek kinda thick though, he would be better."

"Dude, true."

 

Iwaizumi, oh Iwaizumi. The guy Oikawa has been crushing on since childhood, since they first met really. He's utterly and completely whipped. Oikawa looked over at Iwaizumi and he smiled, at the other male. He didn't seem to notice that he was smiling. Iwaizumi didn't notice, looking at whatever Instagram post he could find. Oikawa was probably not even going to notice what he was doing until the other two males at the table spoke up.

"Excuse me, whipped much?" Hanamaki interrupts. He waved his fork wildly at his lunch tray. But before Oikawa could say a word, both Hanamaki and Matsukawa said in unison, "In front of my salad?"

Oikawa's growing blush froze, and he, along with Iwaizumi (who was confused at what was happening) broke out laughing, along with the meme team. The conversation devolved into the four throwing Vine and meme references at each other.

Oikawa loves times like this, he really does.

Nothing can break him down.

The entire team was sitting around pizza boxes and soda cans, all joking and smiling, the captain at the front of it all, watching as his teammates talked to each other and joked about rather anything even slightly funny. Beside him, was Iwaizumi.

"Why are you so quiet?" He heard Iwaizumi ask gruffly from beside him, holding a paper plate on his lap, a piece of half eaten pizza on it.

Grinning like a complete yet adorable idiot, Oikawa turned to Iwaizumi "I'm just happy, taking this all in." He said, taking a happy sigh once he finished his short sentence. His heart was full with one emotion- happiness. No other emotion was there, just happiness filling his being to the absolute brim.

"You idiot, we do this every friday." Iwaizumi said, rolling his eyes. "What's so special about today?" He asked. "I like these days too, but no need to be dramatic." Iwaizumi said, but he'd be lying if he said he didn't enjoy these days.

Oikawa smiled, "I know, but I just really like these days. I love having moments like this. You know me Iwa-chan, I have a lot of feelings," he said with a chuckle.

"That's obvious, Shittykawa." Iwaizumi said, earning a whine and huff from Oikawa, "mean!" Oikawa exclaimed, puffing out his cheeks a bit.

Iwaizumi didn't say anything for a moment, but eventually looked at Oikawa, "so you really like moments like this?" He asked, taking a drink from whatever soda he picked up.

Oikawa smiled sweetly at the scene and nodded his head a bit, lowering his phone down before he was even able to hit send on whatever text he was typing out, "yes, yes I do."

Ah, the bridge.

The Yamamoto bride was one of Oikawa's favorite places to go. He would always go there with Iwaizumi, it was like their special place. he and Iwaizumi would always just talk and sit there in front of the pointless railing, they'd joke, but they'd mainly just... talk. The view was always gorgeous, able to see lush trees and the bright blue sky, absolutely breathtaking.

Oikawa has fallen asleep against Iwaizumi at the bridge once. Though, when he awoke, it was already morning and he was in his bed.

So, when did it change?

Oikawa sat at the lunch table, finding someone missing from it. Matsukawa and Hanamaki were sitting across from him, looking at whatever meme video they had found on YouTube. Oikawa nibbled on his lower lip and looked at the spot beside him, the spot Iwaizumi easy supposed to be sitting at.

"Hey, do you guys know where Iwa-chan is?" Oikawa asked.

"Nope, he just said he had something to do." Matsukawa answered and then went right back to his memes.

Oikawa frowned a bit. Why didn't Iwaizumi tell him? Oikawa laid his head down on the table and sighed. It shouldn't be that big of a deal, yet here he is, thinking of the worst possible scenario.

Oikawa's head snapped up, "wait, what if Iwa-chan was abducted by aliens?! Ah! No fair!" Oikawa complained, more talking to himself than really anything. Though, Hanamaki and Matsukawa weren't really listening at the moment, too caught up in their memes.

But, after Oikawa's head snapped up, he laid it right back down. No matter how many times he tries to think positive...

It seems only negative ideas pop up in his head, and it seriously was getting annoying.

Though, as he turned his head to the side, he noticed Iwaizumi. A wide smile curled onto his lips, glad that his precious Iwa-chan was okay, but that smile vanished as soon as it appeared.

At Iwaizumi's side, a girl stood there, with Iwaizumi's arm around her waist and a smile on his face.

Chapter Text

Aiko. That's her name. Aiko Suzuki.

He's supposed to be happy for Iwaizumi, but why are the only emotions he can possibly feel at this moment is hurt and betrayal? Iwaizumi is happy, so why should his own matter? He really is selfish.

See, Oikawa can be classified as selfish. Many people already do because of his natural personality. But not many pay attention to the underside of it, but that doesn't matter, right?

Oikawa watched as everyone at the table talked together, everyone got to meet Aiko. It made Oikawa wonder, how do those two know each other? How come Oikawa has never met Aiko? So many questions were running through his head, he almost missed Iwaizumi's explanation, almost on cue with Oikawa's thoughts.

"We met around the beginning of this year. We talked a lot, but it was normally on the weekends, as we don't have any classes together," Iwaizumi said.

Oikawa didn't say anything yet. He just examined Iwaizumi's smile. Why can't he make Iwaizumi smile like that? Why can't he make Iwaizumi happy like that? All he seems to do is annoy him. Yet, this girl manages to make him smile with a simple glance. Strings tugged at Oikawa's heart, and he held back any type of distressed noise.

No.

He wasn't going to cry here, not over something so fucking selfish.

"Oikawa?" He heard Hanamaki question, snapping the brunette out of his own thoughts. Oikawa looked up to see everyone's eyes on him, especially Iwaizumi's questioning ones - judging? Maybe.

"You good?" Matsukawa added, to which Oikawa quickly responded with a forced laugh, "I'm fine! Sorry, just spaced out." He said, giving a wide smile. Oikawa now avoided Iwaizumi's stare. He also had yet to even make eye contact with Aiko, but he had glanced at her. She is pretty... Oikawa will admit that. Long, black hair, bright blue eyes, freckles, she's pretty and cute. Not to mention she is a little busty too.

Iwaizumi shook his head a little, and continued on with his story. At this point, Oikawa had spaced out again.

-

Oikawa couldn't stop thinking, he couldn't stop wondering. What does she have, that he doesn't? But then Oikawa remembers the haunting fact that Iwaizumi is straight, that even if he wasn't dating Aiko, they'd never get together. With a frown on his face, Oikawa walked home alone that day, as Iwaizumi was instead walking Aiko home.

Oikawa entered his house wordlessly, which surprised his mother, who was making breakfast. His father was currently working on... something... in the living room. Looked to complicated for Oikawa to really care.

When Oikawa didn't greet them, it warranted questions.

"You okay Tooru?" His father asked, setting down his pen on a stack of papers. His father surveyed him, already catching signs of distress from his son. Oikawa's mother left the kitchen and walked over to Oikawa, hoping to hear a answer.

But, they just got a simple nod and a, "I'll be in my room," and up he went. Oikawa walked up the stairs and inside his bedroom where he cried, and accidentally cried himself to sleep.

It raised his mother's concern when she walked into his bedroom to tell him that dinner was ready, to see her son curled up in a ball with dry tear tracks on his face and tissues scattered across the room, though fast asleep.

She didn't wake him, figuring he needed his sleep, so she left the room, concern weighing heavily over her heart.

_

Oikawa woke up around midnight. He rose his head, rather confused about the whole situation. He was fully dressed still and he wasn't even under his blankets so- oh yeah.

The memories came at Oikawa like a train going full speed. Oikawa let out a sigh as he reached over for his phone (which he had to find) and checked the time.

"12:13..." the brunette mumbled before setting his phone back down. He got off of his bed and turned his lamp on, giving him at least some light. All he did was strip his shirt off along with his pants before he lowered himself down onto the bed.

Though, before he could properly lay down, he noticed himself in the mirror above his dresser.

To put lightly, he looks like absolute shit.

Oikawa frowned a bit more before he shook his head and turned his lamp light off. He laid back down and did his best to go back to sleep.

It didn't work. He didn't have his tears to comfort him to sleep.

And, no matter how many times he closed his eyes, all he was able to see was Iwaizumi.

-

Oikawa woke up late the next morning. It continued to throw off his parents as he never wakes up late. Well, that's a lie. Oikawa normally wakes up late due to Iwaizumi storming in and waking the brunette up by shaking him awake (Oikawa's mother always lets him in).

But, he never wakes up this late.

"Tooru?"

Oikawa was brought calmly from his sleep when his mother said his name so softly, relaxing beneath the touch of her hand massaging lightly against his back in a comforting manner.

Oikawa's eyes opened in a slow flutter, looking up at his mother who gave him a sympathetic smile.

Great.

The morning wasn't good for Oikawa. He barely are breakfast and was practically out the door before his parents could say goodbye. Of course he had gotten dressed and cleaned before that. Oikawa was a little bit more confused on why he was not woken by Iwaizumi.

But, the brunette got his answer rather quickly.

As he was nearing the school gates, he saw Iwaizumi and Aiko holding hands and talking together.

Oikawa, thankful he was wearing his gray hoodie that day, pulled it over his head in a attempt to skate right by them. And, it worked. That outcome surprised Oikawa because normally Iwaizumi can spot him no matter what.

Oikawa glanced back to see Iwaizumi's smiling face, fixated only on Aiko's own. With a heavy heart, Oikawa kept going.

This feeling is weird, Oikawa thought. He hasn't felt this way before. Is this how all those girls who swoon after him feel? Oikawa didn't know. He just wants the pain in his chest to stop.

He's being selfish. He's putting his own thoughts over Iwaizumi's happiness.

Iwaizumi shoulder matter more. He should.

Oikawa doesn't even know anything about Aiko. So maybe he should get to know her, and maybe things could get better? If he could just get to know Aiko, maybe he'll learn to stop being jealous of her, to see what she has that he doesn't and just get on with his life.

But, that's easier said than done.

Chapter Text

Getting to know Aiko was hard.

Aiko is a person who someone could describe as confusing, weird and... nice at the same time. It sent Oikawa through a loop. He would ask her one question and get a rather respectful answer but the next question he would ask would get the weirdest answer ever.

While her personality is confusing, there's no lie that she's beautiful. Is she prettier than him (Oikawa)? Oikawa likes to think not, but by all the compliments she gets from HIS friends and the little compliments he gets from them shows a cold truth that Oikawa hates to think of.

Aiko is nice though. She doesn't insult Oikawa, like the others. Well, not straightforwardly.

Oikawa has lost a large amount of time with Iwaizumi. The only time he really has with the other male now is during volleyball practice. Thankfully, Hanamaki and Matsukawa are still with him. Though, Oikawa doesn't know how many Harambe and Shrek jokes he can take before he goes absolutely and completely insane.

But the fact is, those two are there not that Iwaizumi isn't.

It's like they know, they know how Oikawa is longing to be around Iwaizumi like they always had been. It's like they can see the desperation in Oikawa's eyes.

Maybe he's making it too obvious.

One day though, Oikawa seriously just wants some time with Iwaizumi. So, during lunch, Oikawa asked.

"Iwa-chan, will you walk me home today?" He asked, trying to play it off as playful.

But, the next thing he saw was a frantic look on Aiko's face. Then, he heard it.

"Ah! You said you would take me to the movies today, Iwa-chan!"

Iwa... chan?

Oikawa felt something crack - well, not exactly - at his heart. That's HIS nickname for Iwaizumi. So why is he the only one out of the two of them who looks so offended? And why the fuck are Hanamaki and Matsukawa the two who actually notice it, and not Iwaizumi?

Iwaizumi chuckled, "don't worry." He said to Aiko and turned to Oikawa, "I'm taking her to the movies afterschool, maybe another time." He said. Now, Oikawa was happy that there wasn't a 'Shittykawa' after the sentence but it still hurt.

Oikawa frowned and gave a little nod, "....okay." He replied. For the rest of that lunch period, he stayed relatively silent, only talking when he was directly addressed.

But, Oikawa didn't miss the annoyed side glance Aiko sent him.

-

Heart heavy, Oikawa continued on with his day. He didn't want to remain so sad because he knows it's just going to drag down others around him. It's already affecting his "fan girls" and they seems genuinely worried about him, so he doesn't want to stay so depressed.

Maybe he should try to get laid. God, but all he will be able to think about is Iwaizumi. Iwaizumi. Iwaizumi.

Oikawa, before, had tried kissing another girl then another guy to see if his feelings for Iwaizumi were true, to see if he could just shake them off.

Well, he can't.

He's horribly on love with Iwaizumi, it's stupid. He may not be so forward (he is) with it, but he truly loves the other male. He always has, but he just didn't want to admit it before. He was scared, too scared to admit his feelings to even himself in fear of either being shut down or just shut out completely.

Oikawa never really had to tell his team that he's gay. He makes it obvious, and well, if they had any problem with gay people then they would have outed Hanamaki and Matsukawa a very long time ago because those two are VERY gay for each other.

Oikawa can't shake off his feelings for Iwaizumi. Oikawa has never truly loved anyone like he has loved, and loves Iwaizumi. Iwaizumi is different. He has been with Oikawa since they were children, he's handsome as fuck, and he is actually caring (in his own way). The insults and jokes don't hurt at all when Iwaizumi says them, because he knows exactly how Iwaizumi can be, he understands.

So, why is he suddenly starting to think that maybe those aren't just jokes? Maybe Iwaizumi was being dead serious every single time? Should those jokes have been a sign for Oikawa that Iwaizumi just doesn't like him? Oikawa doesn't know, but he just wants to get away. He wants to get away and just think.

So, he got up from the table and quietly excused himself as he left said table. Another crack came against his chest when he realized that Iwaizumi wasn't the one who questioned him. It was Hanamaki and Matsukawa who did. But, Oikawa didn't answer. He pretended not to hear their questions as he hurried away.

Though all this time, Oikawa was still thinking about...this. Searching for the reason of his jealousy. His childish jealousy that would never, ever be validated. It hurts, it really does. But, it's the truth. He tries to convince himself that the feelings shouldn't matter, he tries.

But here he was, sitting on a random school bench, alone, sniffling and crying over Iwaizumi. And, as he continued to cry, he began to see images.

He had difficulty determining reality from delusion, he experienced hallucinations before, so he always tried to make sure that what he was living was not an image created by his own sick mind.

He truly hated himself when it happened because, what kind of sick shit could imagine things?

He has always been dealing with things like this, and would ask his mother for medication that was prescribed years ago. But... it would take a toll of her, and him. He doesnt need to be on medication anymore though...

So he vowed to leave her alone, to make himself as little as possible. She doesn't deserve any of the trouble she has been going through lately. No one deserves it, and it's all because of him, because of his childish and selfish self.

Chapter Text

Honestly, Oikawa isn't exactly one to beat himself up. The only times he does is when they loose a game - namely against Shiratorizawa - but, it's always Iwaizumi who picks him up, no matter what, Iwaizumi always finds a way back to his side. It's like Iwaizumi has some sort of "Oikawa is Sad' radar, because even if the two aren't right next to each other, he knows. Oikawa could be in his room, overthinking things, and Iwaizumi could be in his room and send a text to Oikawa, saying, 'stop doing that.' It freaked Oikawa out.

But, Oikawa can't help but miss it, as Iwaizumi hasn't been doing that.

Oikawa finds himself feeling bad almost every single day with days without Iwaizumi to keep him anchored, and with Aiko sending him random dirty glances that just makes him feel odd and confused.

But, you could imagine the look on Oikawa's face when Iwaizumi texted Oikawa to meet him at the bridge. Happy and excited, Oikawa didn't hesitate to reply and get ready. He threw on some shoes and a jacket, and rushed out.

That was the first time in a while that his parents had seen an actual smile on his face, so, they didn't question it. They were just happy to see him smile, letting him go.

Oikawa was glad that the bridge was literally right outside of his neighborhood, so it didn't take him long to get there. He saw Iwaizumi, alone thankfully, leaning up against the trailing with his back to the train tracks, looking down at his phone. Oikawa grinned and trotted right up to Iwaizumi, and said suddenly, "hey Iwa-chan."

Iwaizumi jumped, but the next moment Oikawa was being glared at. But, Oikawa couldn't help but smile, smile about the fact that he finally has time alone with Iwaizumi.

He was pushing (or at least trying) Aiko to the back of his mind, even the looming fact that she calls him 'Iwa-chan' as well. He wants to just focus on the time he has with his precious Iwaizumi before that time is up.

Iwaizumi huffed, stuffing his phone into his own jacket pocket, "still annoying as always, Shittykawa."

Despite the insult, Oikawa can't help but smile wide. He had missed that voice, he had missed Iwaizumi's little insults he throws, he... he missed Iwaizumi. Maybe he's being a bit over dramatic, maybe, Oikawa says in his head. It's only been a few weeks (exactly 3 and 4 days to be precise). Who knows?

Oikawa grinned, "but you still love me anyway." He resisted the urge to add, 'as a friend.'

Iwaizumi rose a eyebrow, "do I?" He questioned before he shook his head with a huff. "What's your deal?" He suddenly asked, making Oikawa blink.

"Huh?"

"You've been acting weird lately. Don't play dumb," Iwaizumi huffed, staring directly at Oikawa.

So... he did notice. Oikawa blinked in surprise, surprised by the fact that Iwaizumi had actually noticed his change in attitude and posture. But, in the back of his mind, he was also saying that he shouldn't be surprised, that he shouldn't be shocked by the fact that Iwaizumi noticed his sad change.

"Oi."

Oikawa jumped and shook his head, broken out of his thoughts. His eyes met Iwaizumi's own, and he couldn't help but feel his heart skip a beat. The genuine worry in Iwaizumi's eyes made him feel good, made him feel like he was actually important to the other male still.

"O-oh, uh... I've just been stressed, that's all! We also haven't gotten enough time together recently..." Oikawa said, mumbling the last part.

Iwaizumi then said, "what have you been stressed about? We don't have a game coming up and I know for a fact that you're excelling in all of your classes," he huffed, but then added, "Aiko just wants to spend a lot of time with me. Her father is strict, so we use as much time as we can." Iwaizumi said.

Oikawa had looked down right when Iwaizumi said Aiko's name, completely missing the guilty look in Iwaizumi's eyes. When Oikawa looked up, Iwaizumi was no longer looking at him.

Trying to lighten the mood, Oikawa plastered a smile on his face, "it's okay! I'm fine, really. I understand." He said with a small chuckle.

Iwaizumi looked at Oikawa, the guilty look now gone. He didn't exactly believe Oikawa, but that wasn't why he was here. He didn't realize that he was pushing Oikawa's well being aside, and if he did, he just switched the subject. "Tch. Well anyway, what do you think of her? Aiko?" He asked.

Oikawa's heart broke for a hundredth time. Even when it's just them, Iwaizumi brings up her. He brings up Aiko, this girl who has managed to draw a invisible line between the two of them, even if Iwaizumi doesn't exactly notice it.

Oikawa looked down and smiled softly, although fake, "She's nice. She's really pretty. She has a it of a accent, is she mixed with anything?" He said and asked.

Iwaizumi nodded, looking up at the sky now, "she's both American and Japanese. She was given her name by her Japanese mother, but lived in America for most of her life until she turned 10. She speaks both fluently, but she's better at English." He explained.

Oikawa once again noticed the fond look on Iwaizumi's face. Why can't he make Iwaizumi so star struck? Why can't he be the one to make Iwaizumi happy, why can't he be the one to make Iwaizumi smile even once? He can't seem to make Iwaizumi smile while being just friends, so what makes him think he could make Iwaizumi happy while dating him? What makes him think that Iwaizumi could actually like him, change his sexuality for him? He's being delusional, Oikawa decides.

Oikawa nodded after a small moment, "ah." He said simply. He mentally cursed at how boring he was being, so quickly added, "she's perfect for you." No. "I can see you together in the future," he said with a playful wink. No.

Iwaizumi scrunched up his nose and scoffed, "oh shut up." He huffed, a light blush burning across his cheeks.

Oikawa bit back the comment he so desperately wanted to say, a comment about how cute Iwaizumi is. He bit it back, knowing, just knowing he wasn't going to get a good reaction.

Now, even though they were talking about Aiko, Oikawa was still glad it was just them. No one to butt in, even though Aiko already indirectly did so. It was just Oikawa and Iwaizumi, just them-

"Oh."

Oikawa turned his head to look at Iwaizumi, curious of why iwaizumi gave that reaction to whatever was on his phone.

"Aiko wants me to hang out with her, at her house," Iwaizumi said, quickly texting Aiko back.

Oh.

Oikawa swallowed a lump in his throat and nodded his head slowly, "oh... um.." He didn't know what to say, but he could feel the tears forming.

"I gotta go. Take care of yourself Shittykawa," Iwaizumi said, giving the brown haired male a small wave before he took off. Oikawa wasn't even able to say goodbye or anything.

Oikawa just stood there, upright, no longer leaning against the railing of the bridge. Tears rolled down his cheeks, and he sniffled, quickly wiping his eyes with his jacket sleeve. He shouldn't be crying, he's being over dramatic, right? Despite thinking that, Oikawa couldn't help but run back home while tears poured down his cheeks.

Of course, of fucking course. It's always Aiko, always her. He has known Iwaizumi far more than her, so why is she number one? Why does she matter more? Why isn't he the one to be cared about more? Aiko barely knows him!

Oikawa's head was filled with conflicting thoughts between thoughts, and he so desperately wanted to tear his hair out from his head. He sprinted right back home, fists clenched as he ran. He entered the house quick, but before he could get upstairs, he was stopped by his mother. His father was probably in his study.

"Tooru- Oh, Tooru, why are you crying?" His mother fretted, tilting Oikawa's head up so she could examine his face a bit more.

Unable to contain himself, Oikawa buried his face into his mother's shoulder, and without speaking any words, he continued to cry.

Not knowing what else to do at the moment, his mother rubbed his back and softly shushed him, trying her best to calm her crying son down, but he just kept crying and crying. She noticed her husband walk into the living room, but froze at the entrance, eye's slightly wide. She met his eyes and they both exchanged a same look, both thinking the same thing.

'I don't know what to do.'

Chapter Text

N O
Don't worry ya'll, this book isn't being stopped or anything. I'll continue it eventually, I've just been dealing with some things, so yeah. With school and my fuck as father, yeah, it may take a tad bit longer. Sorry!

Chapter Text

Perhaps... I think it is time for me to start writing again! I am feeling so much better, and it's finally summer, so I will begin writing again. I even have another story in mind for a completely different anime... :)

Chapter Text

Aiko isn't a bad person. He (Oikawa) is. That is what he is telling himself, that is. She isn't mean, she isn't rude to him. The only thing Oikawa has against her is that she has taken so much Iwa-chan time from him. Of course, she sometimes gives him annoyed glances, but those looks are the aame annoyed looks ahe gives to literally anyone who messes up her time with Iwaizumi.

Oikawa really can't blame her. If he was Iwaizumi's signifigant other, he wouldn't want anyone to mess up his time with the male.

Oikawa, despite not being around Iwaizumi as much anymore, knows one place he can go that'll give him a distinct feeling of Iwaizumi. The Yamamoto Bridge.

Oikawa loves this bridge. His most favorite moments with Iwaizumi happened on this bridge, if not during some volleyball moment.

Oikawa was currently sitting on the bridge, legs hanging off of ledge through the sideways bars. He looked down at the traintracks that ran beneath it, a dark, grassy trench along with it. Oikawa sighed, resting his head against one of the metal bars, eyes closed as he began to think of some of those precious, loved memories of his.

/Memory/

"Shittykawa."

No response.

"Shittykawa," Iwaizumi pressed on.

"Jesus, respond to me, you ass. I can tell you're beating yourself up, which you have no fucking reason for. Look at me, dumbass," Iwaizumi huffed, crouching down beside the male.

"It was my fault. It's my job to lead our team to a win," Oikawa said, staring down at the train tracks. But, his eyes were averted once Iwaizumi forced him (Oikawa) to look at him (Iwaizumi). Iwaizumi was holding Oikawa's chin firmly, looking seriously into Oikawa's eyes.

"Shut the fuck up. You may be the captain, but it takes all of us to win. We won't win with just one person, idiot. Stop beating yourself up because he keeps getting in your head," Iwaizumi said.

"This isn't about Ushiwaka..."

"You are a terrible liar, Shittykawa."

"And you're mean," Oikawa pouted, looking away despite his face staying in the same place.

Iwaizumi rolled his eyes, "shut up," he huffed, before sitting down beeide the pouting male. He slapped Oikawa's shoulder a bit, managing to get Oikawa to actually look at him, voluntarily.

Iwaizumi didn't have to say anything more, because Oikawa knew exactly what to do.

He laid his head on Iwaizumi's shoulder, closed his eyes, and relaxed as Iwaizumi brought a hand up and lightly brushed through Oikawa's chocolate brown hair. Iwaizumi always seemed to be able to calm down the captain.

/End Memory/

Oikawa had always loved it when his hair was played with, well, by Iwaizumi. If it was messed with by anyone else, Oikawa would have probably complained and swatted that person's hand away.

He doesn't know why he likes Iwaizumi's hands so much. Maybe it's because his hands are so rough, yet gentle. The perfect size in which Oikawa can playfully hold, or just nuzzle against.

Oikawa then froze.

Why was he crying?

"Shit... no, no, I am not fucking crying," Oikawa hissed, quickly using his jacket to wipe the tears that had begun to flow from his eyes.

"This is stupid, why am I crying? There is no reason for me to be crying right now," Oikawa whimpered, and this seemed to only make him cry even more- and he didn't know why.

Oikawa was beginning to highly regret his decision to go to the bridge. All it was doing was bringing up the worst possible memories about Iwaizumi. By worst, meaning it made him miss Iwaizumi. It made Oikawa want to curl up in a ball and cry, it makes him long to be in Iwaizumi's arms. But, he can't anymore. Iwaizumi is occupied with someone else.

Iwaizumi has someone else to deal with, to care about.

Iwaizumi has Aiko, someone less annoying, someone who is actually able to be tolerated.

Oikawa quickly stood up, unable to stay on this bridge any longer. So, he quickly rushed home. Once at home, he bypassed literally anyone else who was present, even if it was just his parents, qnd rushed into his bedroom. He laid down on his bed, and cried there.

He felt safe in his room.

No one can hurt him, no one can see him here.

Scracth that. He isn't safe in his room, because even if no one physically can see him, or hurt him... Oikawa himself still can. Not him exactly, but his mind.

And his mind seemed to hurt him all the time. His mind never seemed to stop. His mind was always going, even when Oikawa went to sleep. Nightmares always seemed to attack Oikawa on all sides, screaming at him that Iwaizumi was gone, that Iwaizumi had no more time for the brunette.

But, as the nightmares got worse and worse, those thoughts got worse and worse. These thoughts strayed away from Iwaizumi, and soon turned to self hate.

You're too annoying.

You're useless.

You keep making the team loose.

You aren't that attractive.

Useless.

Useless.

USELESS! USELESS! USELESS!

Oikawa found himself waking up in a cold sweat, crying his eyes out. Sometimes his mom woke him up, sometimes his dad. They still had no idea what was going on, they didn't know what to do, and Oikawa didn't want to talk about it.

Oikawa didn't want to go to school, but he toughed it out. He went to school, he practiced with the team.

He watched as Aiko was loved by the team, loved by Iwaizumi.

Respected.

Hanamaki and Matsukawa. Oikawa still cares about them, just like everyone. But it seems like those two are the only ones who genuinely understand that Oikawa is still their fucking captain.

Maybe Oikawa just isn't worth that title.

Maybe someone else should just be fucking captain. That would make perfect sense, so much sense.

Because, Oikawa is useless. He is so completely useless who doesn't do anything for the team, right? Right.

And they all know it. They all probably think Iwaizumi deserves to be captain, right? Aiko would love that, she would be so proud of her boyfriend. Maybe Oikawa should quit volleyball. Maybe thay will make everyone happy.

Oikawa just didn't know.

He watched his teammates talk with each other after each practice, no one seeming to ask about him, or talk to him, unless a insult was warranted.

Funny, despite everything, Oikawa found himself talking with Aiko. She was nice to him, she actually asking him genuine questions. Most of their talks were about Iwaizumi, but nevertheless, she was nice to him. Oikawa couldn't dislike her for anything. She was pretty, nice and genuinely lovable.

Oikawa, instead, projected all the hate that could have been put on her, onto himself.

And that was the moment when his genuine downward spiral began.

Chapter Text

It wasn't a secret that his parents were worried about him. It was rather obvious with the not so subtle questions which were asked. They were obviously trying to be subtle, but that wasn't really working. Oikawa was glad that they seemed to care, but didn't really know if he should believe it.

He doesn't deserve their love, their kindness. But, he'd never tell them that.

He desperately wanted to tell his parents what was wrong, he wanted to spill his guts to his parents, cry against her mother's chest and into his father's shoulder.

He didn't know what to do.

He felt as if him spilling all the details about how he was feeling would burden his parents, that it would make them upset or disappointed, despite their worried looks and words.

At this point, Oikawa was turning literally anything good about him into something toxic against him. No- that's not right. It wasn't Oikawa himself, but his brain. His brain was changing anythung even remotelt good about him into something bad, making him think that he didn't deserve anything good.

And now, he was believing it.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

Oikawa was currently in his bedroom, rocking bath and forth on his bed, tears rolling down his cheeks.

Mom. Mother. Mama. Mom. Mom. He wanted to be in his mother's arms.

Funny, he would normally be feeling like this with Iwaizumi. Normally, Iwaizumi would pull Oikawa out of his depressive, or just sad moods. But now, he's worried that if he came to Iwaizumi with these feelings, Iwaizumi would just shrug him off and leave to go be with Aiko.

Oikawa suddenly jumped off his bed, and bolted out of his room, down the stairs and into the kitchen, where his parents were currently residing. His mother was currently reading instructions for whatever dinner she was making, and his father was cutting up some vegetables.

Once he saw his mother, he damn near knocked her over with how fast he ran into her, arms wrapping around her tight as he buried his face into her shoulder.

The older woman gasped, eyes wide. "Tooru?" She spoke softly, placing the cardboard box that she was currently reading instructions from on the counter to use her hands. She rubbed Oikawa's back soothingly as she realized that Oikawa was crying.

Oikawa's father watched with concerned eyes, and walked over to the pair. "Tooru?" The man asked, placing a hand on his son's shoulder.

Oikawa just shook his head and cried, burying his face deeper. He reached a hand out and grabbed onto his father's arm, just wanting to hold him. The male soon found himself in a family hug, with his parents making a protective blanket of parental love around him.

And once more, Oikawa had cried himself to sleep.

-

Iwaizumi was in his bedroom, looking at his phone, in deep thought. He was thinking about lots of things- Aiko, grades... Oikawa.

"Hajime? Hajime! Come down here, please!" Iwaizumi heard his mother call for him downstairs.

Iwaizumi sighed slightly and put his phone down before he walked out of his room, and into the living room where his mother was currently in.

"Yes, ma?" Iwaizumi asked, walking over to his mother, who was sitting on the couch, phone in hand.

"Have you talked to Tooru recently?" She asked.

Iwaizumi blinked, "huh? Why?" He asked, sitting down beside her. He didn't know why his mother was asking him this. "Not as much as we used to, but yeah."

"Well... have you noticed anything off with him? I just got off the phone with his mother. She said his father just got him into the bed becasue he cried himself to sleep," she said.

Iwaizumi's eyes were wide. Oikawa was crying? Why would he have been crying? Wouldn't Oikawa tell him everything?

"Uh... not really, I haven't noticed anything off with him," Iwaizumi answered. He was telling the truth, he reallt hasn't noticed anything off with the other male. But, then again, he hasn't been around the male in a while.

After talking a bit more, Iwaizumi was allowed back upstairs.

Once back in his bedroom, Iwaizumi opening up his phone and looked at the texts from him and Oikawa. The last text was sent by Oikawa, about a few days ago. Iwaizumi sighed and ran a hand through his hair, before he turned off his phone, and decided to go to bed.

He would talk to Oikawa tomorrow.

-

In class, Iwaizumi could see that something was off with Oikawa. Normally, Oikawa would be paying attention and taking notes in class. But, currently, Oikawa's head was on his arms, fingers quietly drumming against the desk. He didn't seem to care about whatever the teacher was talking about.

Time passrd fast for Oikawa, but slow for Iwaizumi.

Once the class was over, Iwaizumi walked up to Oikawa's desk.

"Oi."

Oikawa jumped in surprise, and looked up. "Oh, hey Iwa-chan," he said, with a obviously fake smile. Man, Iwaizumi hated with how forced the male's smile looked. It damn near hurt his heart.

"What's up?" Oikawa asked, standing up to gather up his things.

"Nothing.... erm... are you feeling okay, Shittykawa?"

Oikawa smiled a bit more at the nickname. He hasn't heard that in a while, so it delt good, despite the meanness most might find in that nickname.

Oikawa nodded, "yeah, I'm feeling fine." Lie. "Why?"

Iwaizumi shook his head, "...no reason."

-

When lunch came around, Oikawa was pleasantly surprised to find Iwaizumi sitting down next to him. He had no idea what Iwaizumi was doing, since Aiko was over at her usual table, obviously confused as well. Oikawa couldn't blame her, really.

"Um... Iwa-chan? Why aren't you sitting with Aiko?" He asked with a slight tilt of his head.

The other male shrugged, "didn't want to today."

Because Oikawa had gotten so good at lying, he could spot a lie pretty easily now. But, he didn't say anything about it. He just nodded and went back to picking at his food. Iwaizumi noticed that little detail as well, since Oikawa ate quite a lot.

"Eat, Shittykawa," Iwaizumi demanded, making Oikawa shake his head.

"I'm not hungry."

"Well, I don't care," Oikawa replied, tone surprisingly colder than he intended, surprising himself more thah Iwaiuzmi. But, Iwaizumi didn't say anything about his tone.

"...you're always hungry. You can't lie to me," Iwaizumi huffed.

"Coulda fooled me," Oikawa shot back. He hadn't even registered the words he was saying, his mouth working faster than his brain. But, once he realized what he said, he froze, but then tried to shake it off and act as if it was normal.

"Besides, why are you worrying so much, Iwa-chan? I'm fine!" Oikawa said with a wide smile, turning his head to look at the other male. But, when he saw the obviously concerned look on his childhood best friend's face, his heart practically stopped. Fuck.

"Iwa~," Oikawa whined.

Iwaizumi swallowed a lump in his throat and chuckled dryly, "yeah... uhm... that's good, Crappykawa," he said, trying to act normal now. He wasn't going to let it go forever, though.

Soon enough, lunch was over and after that, school eventually ended for the day, and volleyball practice was up next.

-

Oikawa seemed fine during volleyball practice, he seemed in his element and completely fine. But, things seemed to turn worse for the chocolate brown haired male once Aiko showed up. Aiko said she was just going to go home that day, not surprise him, or just show up at practice for Iwaizumi.

Aiko was happy, talking with the members of the team, hugging Iwaizumi's side, and she even tried to strike up a conversation with Oikawa. Oikawa didn't seem to want to talk, he avoided talking for the rest of the practice because, or well, Iwaizumi assumed, was because Aiko had showed up.

He just didn't know why.

So, when Iwaizumi got home that day, he made sure to text Oikawa a few times. He got a few replies, but those replies seemed quite dry, not as preppy and cute with those emoticons Oikawa usually sent.

Iwaizumi was worried, but he didn't want to think it was because of Aiko. Why would it be?

Chapter Text

After every passing day, Oikawa was hating himself even more for these dumb feelings. He shouldn't be so stressed, so damn upset because Iwaizumi started to date someone that isn't him. He blames himself for his own pain, saying that a boy shouldn't be the cause of his saddness. But every time he sees Iwaizumi with Aiko, his heart cracks more and he takes another step back.

Oikawa has always been so critical of himself, but recently, he has been quite overly critical. He didn't fight these thoughs, not at all. It was as if he was welcoming them, eager to put himself down even more. And with every passing day, seeing himself is a horrid sight.

He can't stand the sight of himself anymore.

He looks at pictures of Aiko, and sees her gorgeous hair, her beautiful shining eyes, perfect for such a handsome man like Iwaizumi. Oikawa's vision of himself becomes corrupt- seeing only the worst of himself, seeing even the good things about him as bad.

Soft hair? Too soft.

Gorgeous brown eyes? Too brown.

Clear skin? Probably fake.

Everything that was good about him, is bad in his own mind. And really, not one notices. That is, except for when Hanamaki and Matsukawa found him one afternoon. It was a surprise to those two that Iwaizumi hadn't found out sooner.

Oikawa was in the bathroom in the gym, washing his face. He has rushed inside after hearing another cheerful story about Iwaizumi and Aiko from Aiko. They were so damn happy together, it made Oikawa want to rip his hair out for two reasons.

One, because he wanted to be Aiko in that situation, and two, because he was feeling this way.

Iwaizumi stayed with the group after watching with concerned eyes as Oikawa ran off. Hanamaki and Matsukawa exchanged looks with each other and snuck off to find their captain. They have noticed that something has been up with Oikawa, they've noticed far more than Oikawa's own childhood best friend.

As they walked into the bathroom, they didn't expect to hear Oikawa's words- their hearts crushing almoest instantly.

"Goddamit... you fucking pussy, stop crying. This is ridiculous. You're making your face uglier, no one will like you if that happens, you useless..." Oikawa croaked out to himself, unable to finish his sentence, as he furiously wiped his tears from his eyes. When he rose his head and looked at the mirror, he froze when he saw the horrified faces of Hanamaki and Matsukawa.

Hanamaki made a staggered step forward, but paused when Oikawa spoke quickly.

"Don't say anything. Just... just leave."

Matsukawa let out a shaky sigh and shook his head, "we aren't going to leave a friend crying in a disgusting bathroom alone," he said, beginning to advance on Oikawa. Eventually, Hanamaki followed suit.

"Stop."

They didn't listen.

"G-guys... c'mon, just go." More crying.

They continued their slow trek over to Oikawa, and now the brown haired captain was moving so he was backing up to against a wall.

"I don't want your pity," Oikawa nearly whimpered out.

They still said nothing.

"Please, just g-"

Oikawa was cut off when Matsukawa forcefully pulled him forward and inti a hug, Hanamaki hugging Oikawa from the side.

"Shut up..." Hanamaki croaked out, voice seeming like he ahd atarted to cry. Had he? Oikawa didn't know.

Oikawa's eyes were wide, frozen in his friend's grasp. He couldn't move, and honestly, he didn't want to. He felt strangely safe in their arms, hearing their deep and staggerwd breaths adding to that factor, oddly. Oikawa moved his head, only to meet Matsukawa's piercing eyes. Oikawa swallowed a nervous lump in his throat, unable to pry his gaze away.

"Oikawa." The captain didn't move, nor did he respond.

"You aren't useless, and you definitely aren't fucking ugly. Anyone who has said that about you is a downright idiot, but it is obvious you are neither of those words. I swear to god, I'll say it to you every day if it'll make you understand," Matsukawa said, voice serious just as the words he was speaking.

Hanamaki nodded and rose his head from Oikawa's shoulder, "he's right," he started. With a wavering voice, the pink haired make continued to speak, "you're a amazing captain who has helped us get so far numerous times. You're the type of guy every model agency wants, the guy every person- straight or not, would want," Hanamaki told Oikawa, eyes just as serious as Matsukawa's were.

Oikawa was unable to fathom what was happening. Were they lying? But if they were, why were they crying? Why would they go to such lengths just to lie to him?

After a anxious, long moment of silence, Oikawa finally spoke up. "Y-you guys can't... can't just say things like that..." with pain in his voice, Oikawa broke down again, burying his head against Matsukawa as he cried his eyes out.

Matsukawa gave a shared sad smile to Hanamaki, before speaking as he rubbed over Oikawa's back soothingly, "yes, we can because it's true."

Oikawa said no more, he just cried, and cried, with Hanamaki and Matsukawa still holding him.

Once he had finally calmed down, Oikawa said that he wanted to go home now. But, he wanted Matsukawa and Hanamaki to come with him, though he said that very silently- afraid of even that small type of rejection. The other two males agreed quickly, and made sure the three of them were excused to go home from practice. Their coach let them, since he could see just how broken and messed up Oikawa was currently. He has always said that your own being, mental and physical, always comes before volleyball- no matter what.

Iwaizumi tried to ask Oikawa what was wrong, but surprisingly, Matsukawa kept him from the sniffling male. Iwaizumi wanted to show his annoyance with this, but he just couldn't. He was pulled back to Aiko's side fast, and forgot about Oikawa's crying face almost instantly once he saw Aiko's own.

Anyway, once they got to Oikawa's home, the three greeted Oikawa's family and made their way upstairs to the captain's bedroom.

No one spoke for a while, they just sat on Oikawa's bed in silence. For Oikawa, is was a uncomfortable silence, but for the other two males it was just a waiting silence- waiting for Oikawa to finally open up to them after witnessing his fall from grace. They were going to help him, no matter what. They had decided that long ago, really.

After what seemed like aged, Oikawa finally spoke up.

"I'm sorry..."

Matsukawa and Hanamaki quickly shook their heads, shooting thay down fast. "Nuh-uh, none of that," the pink haired male said, voice calm and soft, trying to be relaxed for Oikawa.

Matsukawa nodded, "don't apologize for anything. Nothing is your fault, okay? Just tell us what's wrong, or, just tell us what you want to say. Or, you don't even have to tell us anything now. Just... use us, okay?" Oikawa was slightly confused by that, but Matsukawa added on, "use us to vent, use us for comfort, for a shoulder to cry on. We are here for you, we always will be. That's what friends are for, aren't they?"

Oikawa's eyes widened, and he suddenly startes to cry again, dropping his head as tears rolled down his cheeks and dropped off his chin onto the sheets of the bed.

"It's... it's just so fucking childish," Oikawa whimpered, voice cracking in the middle of his sentence.

"Iwaizumi- it's Iwaizumi and Aiko," the chocolate brown haired make said. When Matsukawa and Hanamaki remained silent, Oikawa continued, "it... it hurts to see them together."

This time, Hanamaki spoke. "Is it because you like Iwaizumi?"

Oikawa's head shot up with wide eyes, "h-how did you know?" He asked quickly.

Hanamaki gave Oikawa a small smile, "Oikawa, it's obvious. You look at him with love in your eyes practically every day. You aren't good at hiding things like that," he said with a small chuckle. Oikawa gave a tiny chuckle through his sniffles and hiccups, understanding Hanamaki's reasoning.

"I've liked him every since we met as kids. Funny, yeah, but even as a child I liked him. My little kid brain was going haywire for him every time I saw him, and those feelings just kept getting bigger, and bigger and bigger-,"

"Calm down, Oikawa, it's okay. Just calm down," Matsukawa said.

Wait, what?

Oikawa didn't realise how harsh his breaths had become, how violent his tears were and how hot his face was. He focused his face on Matsukawa's face and gave a small nod, "c-calm... yeah... calm... okay..." Oikawa breathed in and out, trying to steady his breaths again. When Hanamaki grabbed one of his hands, that was when Oikawa calmed down, and began to talk again.

"But when I saw Iwaizumi and Aiko... things just... shattered. My dream was crushed, and... I started to think things. Iwaizumi always insults me... you guys always insult me with him, so... Instarted to hate myself and belittle myself at every turn... I would be lying if I said I have never thought about taking a piece of glass to my skin."

Hanamaki let out a strangled gasp, eyes wide, Matsukawa looking horrified. "Oikawa- please tell me you haven't actually harmed yourself."

Oikawa nodded, "I haven't... though I want to..." he said, voice becoming much softer in the progression of that sentence.

Hanamaki instantly hugged Oikawa again, "oh god... no Oikawa, please don't think like that," Hanamaki said, his usual joking nature thrown out of the window. This was no time to have his usual personality at play.

"I can't help it..."

Hanamaki nodded, "I know... I know... I just wish you didn't think like that... I'm sorry, I never knew what my words could do to you," he said, raising his head to look at Oikawa. Matsukawa nodded, "I am deeply sorry as well, Oikawa."

"Now you guys are apologizing..." Oikawa said, looking down.

"Because we actually have a reason to. You have no reason to apologize right now," Matsukawa said.

"I'm the reason for this! There is no real reason why I should be crying so much! I'm overreacting! Literally all of this has stemmes from Iwaizumi getting a girlfriend, I am such a child!" Oikawa exclaimed, shaking his head. Then, he was tackled onto the ground in two bear hugs.

"Shut up," Matsukawa said like before.

"Stop saying those things, none of them are true. You are having a very normal human experience and reacting like a normal himan being is. You can't control your own emotions," Hanamaki said.

Oikawa couldn't find it in him to reply, he was just so tired. All of this arguing and talking, and crying had him so tuckered out. Instead of crying himself to sleep though, this time he fell asleep in the hold of two people who genuinely cared (not including his parents in that fact of course).

For the first time in a long time, he didn't feel so helpless.

Chapter Text

Hanamaki and Matsukawa had so many thoughts rushing through their heads, both wondering the same things. Why wasn't Iwaizumi paying more attention to Oikawa? Was Iwaizumi putting his girlfriend iver his obviously broken best friend? What could they do to make Oikawa okay again? The pair didn't know those answers, but knew something else. They knew for a fact that they would stay by Oikawa's side and help him through this. No matter what.

They actually stayed at Oikawa's that night, with the permission of Oikawa's parents and after texting their own parents that this was a genuine serious matter. Thankfully, all the parents understood. It worked out in the long run since it was a Friday anyway.

The three of them stayed inside all day, the couple pampering and caring for Oikawa despite the captain's protests. They made sure to make Oikawa feel special, even for small things.

Though, they were rather angry on the inside. They wwre angry at the fact that Iwaizumi hasn't once come over to see Oikawa over the weekend, he barely answered texts, and his social media has been all Aiko those past two days. The two males couldn't believe just how much Iwaizumi had focused on Aiko, completely forgetting his childhood best friend.

Honestly, Matsukawa just wanted to slap the fuck out of the male.

Hanamaki wanted to strangle him and scream.

And Oikawa... he just wanted to cry. He has been crying, crying quite a lot recently. But he always found a shoulder to cry on, either Hanamaki's or Matsukawa's.

Honestly, it was such a relief, a relief to have at least something there. Something that wasn't his parents of course.

Many days passed, and volleyball tournaments wwre coming up. Oikawa was practicing more, focusing on volleyball more than anything. One could say that the sport was a reliever for him, that's what Hanamaki and Matsukawa thought anyway.

The two of them also made sure to have a short and simple talk with the rest of the team, making sure they didn't say anything to Oikawa that was even remotely teasing. When they weere asked why, they didn't answer- respecting Oikawa's privacy. Also, Iwaizumi just so happened to not be present during that little meeting, too busy on the phone with Aiko.

Anyway, Oikawa was training hard. He was improving, showing strength and harsh emotions. Oikawa poured all the emotions he was feeling into setting, serving, and more.

But, he still felt a lurking feeling, a lurking feeling of saddness still.

Aiko is always watching them. She expects Iwaizumi to bring them to a win, but she also expects more of Oikawa because of all the stories Iwaizumi had told her. Though, she possibly expected too much from Oikawa... because when the match with Shiratorizawa was coming up, she was finding little critiques on Oikawa, and made sure to tell Iwaizumi all of them.

Amd that led to Iwaizumi critiquing Oikawa.

While he kept a strong exterior, Oikawa was breaking again on the inside with every critique. Even Hanamaki and Matsukawa found it uncessarily excessive, especially for Iwaizumi.

When Iwaizumi was called out for it, Oikawa quickly went to Iwaizumi's defence. Iwaizumi saw nothing wrong with it.

It was then when Hanamaki and Matsukawa realized it.

Kyotani may find Oikawa annoying, and may look up to Iwaizumi far more... but he isn't blind, nor is he a idiot. He can tell how different their vice captain has been acting in regards to Oikawa, and how Oikawa has been acting in general.

Everyone has noticed. It isn't hard to, really. It's rather obvious.

Aiko was never, ever brought into these things. She is normally auch a loving, and seeet girl- everyone can vouch for thatl maybe she's just amped up for the Shiratorizawa match as everyone else is, and wants Iwaizumi to win so he coukd have bragging rights. Though, she was going with things so incredibly wrong. Even Hanamaki and Matsukawa can agree that Aiko isn't the reason for all of this- it's Iwaizumi.

It's Iwaizumi's negligence of his best friend, it's his unwillingness to pay attention to the male who has stuck with him since kids. It's Iwaizumi's current obsession with Aiko that has really created this.

But, Iwaizumi doesn't want to notice, or he just doesn't believe it.

Yahaba, Kindaichi, Kunimi, Watari, Kyotani, and the others have been paying so much more attention to Oikawa- ready to catch him at any time if he fell. If he needed help, they would help him. They've stopped their teasing, while Iwaizumi didn't seem to get the memo, sadly.

There was at least one person glaring at Iwaizumi every practice, this making the vice president very on edge. He had no idea why his team mates suddenly seemed hostile at him. Though, all hostility seemed to disappear once they were on the court- shoving their own feelings away so they could practice.

Everyone wanted to do their best to help Oikawa. (Except for Iwaizumi and Aiko of course).

And after a long needed various days of practice, the match against Shiratorizawa was up.

They had actually been doing good throughout the entire match. Oikawa's serves were on point as always, Iwaizumi was making strong spikes, everyone was doing their part.

But, Ushijima proved to be a obstacle again.

At the match point, when Iwaizumi went to spike, that spike was blocked by Ushijima himself. When Oikawa attempted to recieve the ball as it fell, to give a chance ball... he missed just narrowly. Once the ball hit the ground, regret and blame instantly fell upon Oikawa.

Shiratorizawa cheered.

Aoba Johsai were dejected... but Oikawa was completely, utterlt crushed.

But what Iwaizumi said made the team, and even Shiratorizawa freeze.

"You could have gotten that."

Matsukawa's eyes widened, "Iwaizumi! That is so uncalled for!" He bellowed, others nodding in agreement.

Despite Ushijima not on the same terms with Oikawa, he didn't quite like the mistreatment of Oikawa by someone who was supposed to be his teammate, so he listened- with Tendou standing beside him, creepily interested.

"But it's true. He hasn't been practicing as hard as us, he coukd have caught that ball if he had practiced more and been faster," Iwaizumi said, glancing over to where Aiko was currently in the stands.

Oikawa was staring at the floor, tears building up in his eyes.

The entire room was silent. Despite how large it was, a person could drop a small pen and it would be heard.

But what Oikawa said next made Iwaizumi stagger, Ushijima seem surprised and the rest of Aoba Johsai frown.

"I'm... I'm sorry..." Oikawa said, body starting to shake. "I tried tp be better, I did... really. I'm sorry, I'm sorry I let you all down..."

Hanamaki rushed over to his captain, shoving Iwaizumi aside as he wrapped his arms around Oikawa into a tight hug- the entire team following suit. Now, Iwaizumi was subject to various glares from various onlookers- even from his team, and his own coach. Aiko wasn't fazed at all.

What startled Oikawa the most was a hand on his shoulder. He turned his head and saw Ushijima, who just nodded a bit at him, and then walked away.

After that, the ending ceremonies went on, and they were soon allowed to go home.

But, Oikawa was stopped by Iwaizumi, and then the entire team who were nearly about to jump Iwaizumi if he said or did anything bad to Oikawa.

"What's wrong with you?" Iwaizumi questioned, a annoyed look on his face. When Oikawa didn't answer, he attempted to grab the chocolate brown haired male- only to be grabbed himself. Iwaizumi turned in shock to see Kyotani glaring at him, "back off," the male growled, shoving Iwaizumi to the side.

Hanamaki rushed over to Oikawa, to comfort the silent male, while the others ganged up on Iwaizumi.

"I don't know what your deal has been lately, but you seriously have to knock it the fuck off," Yahaba said, voice the same, but his expression dangerous.

Kunimi nodded, "Oikawa is our captain, our amazing captain, your best friend! And you have been treating him like dirt!"

When Iwaizumi attempted to interject, he was quickly interuptee by Matsukawa.

"No, you shut the fuck up. We all used to respect you, but after you and that Aiko girl started to go out, you have been making your life all about pleasing her. You're practically obsessed with her. None of this is really her fault, only yours," Matsukawa growled.

"I really used to respect you, man," Kindaichi sighed, "and now look at you. You've turned into such a dick- being so harsh and cruel to the one guy who truly understands you."

Hanamaki remained silent with Oikawa, whispering calm worss to the now shaking male. Oikawa didn't know how to think really.

He felt like such a burden.

Iwaizumi then bursted, "you guys are ridiculous! I've done nothing wrong! It's Oikawa who's being such a baby!"

"No, shut the fuck up you jackass! Oikawa has done nothing wrong! You can't even spend time with him anymore to realize that something is wrong!" Matsukawa bellowed, making Iwaizumi's eyes widen.

Iwaizumi then scoffed and turned around, "whatever," he huffed, and stomped off, off to find Aiko.

The rest of the team stayed to comfort Oikawa, who had started to cry, again, though lightly. They didn't know what they were going to do, really.

But Oikawa... he was making plans.

Chapter Text

Iwaizumi is so damn confused. He doesn't know why everyone is so upset at him, why Oikawa is being so damn dramatic, and  why everyone has been triggered because he spends so much time with Aiko. Aiko's his fucking girlfriend, so of course he's going to soend time with her, what kind of boyfriend wouldn't?

And for some reason, Aiko has been mad with him lately. She keeps saying how he's obsessed with her, and honestly, he can't see how he's "obsessed". He just loves her a lot, that's all!

It's like all the words Aiko, Matsukawa, Hanamaki, and all the others have been telling him go right over his head. Either that, or it goes in one ear and out the other.

Iwaizumi just doesn't understand.

Oikawa isn't his girlfriend. Oikawa is his childhood best friend, so he just wants the best for him! Iwa knows that Oikawa can be better, so why wouldn't he push the male to do better? It just doesn't make sense to the spiker.

Honestly, he's tried thinking about it, but he just can't seem to make the connections. He cares about Aiko so much because she's the one he really wants to be with.

Though, when he told Hanamaki and Matsukawa that, they seemed to only get more angry and replied with:

"Oikawa has been with you longer, his emotions should come way before Aiko. You noticed something was wrong at first, yet you decided to turn away and pay attention to Aiko, not even trying to get Oikawa to really open up to you."

Those words laid heavy on Iwaizumi's shoulder through the weekend as he sat on his bed, not texting, not doing homework, just studying those same words in his head over and over again.

He was really trying to make everything piece together in his head.

He even texted Aiko after a while, practically pleading for help. Then, he texted Hanamaki and Matsukawa. Aiko was asleep already so she didn't respond, but the two males saw the texts Iwaizumi sent their way- but they didn't respond.

They were too busy trying to get a hold of Oikawa.

Oikawa was in his bedroom, hiding away from everything, doing his best to block out everything, even his own thoughts. And for this small period in time, it was working. He was curled up on various blankets, head snuggled into his soft bed, eyes clamped shut as he just tried to force everything out his mind just for this moment, and this moment only.

He just wanted to sleep.

Iwaizumi didn't want to sleep. He wanted this so called "hard to crack" code, or puzzle, or whatever this was. It was like his brain couldn't fathom actually caring for his childhood friend more than his *new* girlfriend. Wait, no, that's EXACTLY how it is.

-

On Monday, Oikawa didn't come to school. His teammates, minus Iwaizumi, were worried out of their skin so after practice, they raced to Oikawa's house to check up on the male.

Turns out, he just wouldn't get out of bed.

Hanamaki and Matsukawa pleaded at Oikawa's mother to let them inside and to see Oikawa, but she sadly shook her head and said, "I'm sorry boys, he said he doesn't want visitors."

Oikawa's mother has strong opinions on this matter, just lile everyone else does.

She has questioned why, why hasn't Iwaizumi come over? Why isn't Iwaizumi practically demanding to see Oikawa, like he usually would, if Oikawa didn't show up at school? Why wasn't Iwaizumi obviously sneaking into Oikawa's room through the window like he usually does?

She wants answers clearly, so she began to ask the males in front of her. And well, to say that she was upset would be a major understatement.

Livid, angry, upset, sad, distresses, confused.

All of these emotions were swirling through hee, trying to comprehend just why Iwaizumi has been acting like this. Surely, it couldn't be the fact that he had just gotten a girlfriend? That shouldn't be the only factor, it couldn't be... right?

She desperately wanted to believe her own words, but she also couldn't fool her mind, the same for the students still in front of her house.

After a while of talking, and light arguing in confusion, she sent the boys on their way and went up to check up on Oikawa. When she walked into his room, her face morphed into a heartbroken, soft smile like face as she walked over to Oikawa's sleeping body.

She sat down on the bed, silently watching Oikawa. Oikawa's father was currently at work, though had been texting the female about updates on his son various times- that showing just how worried the two parents have become.

They both wanted to help Oikawa, but the problem was that they really didn't know how.

-

The next day, Tuesday, Oikawa doesn't go to school again, and his parents understand. Oikawa isn't usually always absent, for two absences wouldn't hurt him that much. Oikawa is really smart, afterall.

Anyway, Tuesday was a absolute nightmare for the setter.

Destructive thoughts were swirling around in his head, clouding any other thoughts that attempted to fly in. His mind was turning into a dark cloud all over again- the oncs simply gray cloud on Monday turning into a black, dangerous storm cloud.

Oikawa made it clear that he wanted to be lest alone and stayed on his bed for most of the day, rocking back and forth with his arms wrapped around his knees, pressed against his chest.

Why, why him? Why Oikawa? What did he do to deserve this?

Those types of questions ran through the setter's mind, trying to come to at least some time of logical conclusion. But he couldn't find one. All he managed to find were even more destructive thoughts.

And those destructive thoughts became more and more destructive.

More.

More.

More.

Destructive.

Destructive.

Destructive.

Until... Oikawa's mind fell upon the one thing he had been trying his best to avoid.

A image of cuts on his arms popped up in the male's head. More and more images of cuts all over his body, though also hidden beneath sweaters and pants.

"No," Oikawa'a voice cracked.

Yes.

"I don't want to do that..."

Yes you do.

"No... stop... I don't want to hurt myself," tears were pooling up in Oikawa's eyes now.

Yes, you do. You deserve it.

"..."

You do. Just find a razor... it'll make your pain go away.

The voice in his head spoke so sweetly, so kindly to him- as if it was trying to soothe Oikawa into the thought of harming himself. And, that was exactly what it had been trying to do. And winning at.

Oikawa slowly rose his head, silent. He did want his pain to go away. Would this actually help?

Yes it will.

It will.

Oikawa slowly got out of his bed, and snuck into the bathroom right next to his bedroom, making sure not to alert his parents of his presence. He was in and out of his bathroom quick, and soon in his bedroom once more, with a new razor from the packet.

He broke apart the contraption- and soon, he was left with only the sharp object.

Oikawa's body shook as he examined the metal piece in his hand, dead silent. Thoughts raced through his head, until they were silenced by that sweet, sweet voice.

Just do it. It'll be okay, I promise.

Oikawa sucked in his breath and clenched his eyes shut as he... just started. He sliced his arm quickly, watching as rhe blood trickled quickly from the freshly made cut.

Oh.

Oikawa stared at it for a while, watching as blood even dripped onto his thigh. He didn't expect to like it this much, he didn't expect to like the stinging pain so damn much.

And now, he wanted more. So, he did more.

He cut, and cut, and cut, and cut, until both of his arms were already littered with cuts. It was only then that he realized that he would need to clean up the blood, since he didn't want to die from this.

So, he managed to find a towel in his room and pressed it up against his wounds.

It took a while, but soon enough, his cuts were turned into just angry, red, bright lines.

Oikawa found himself suddenly smiling at his injuries, loving the pain he had managed to subject himself to.

"I deserved it, right?"

Yes.

"Then it's okay..." Oikawa murmured to himself with that same smile. He didn't register just how toxic his thoughts had turned, and honestly, he didn't want to, at least not now.

Oikawa made sure to cover up his arms, and made sure to hide the towel. He ate a little bit of whatever his mother brought him for dinner, he allowed her and his father to literally tuck him in for bed, making sure they never saw his arms, not once.

And once they were out of his room, he was curled up on his. ed and examining his arms happily.

This could- would make him feel better. He'll be perfect in no time, and Iwaizumi will finally be happy with him again!

-

Oikawa decided to go to school the next day, and found it rather hard to keep his arms a secret. With girls holding onto him, guys bumping into him, and his sleeves practically fighting him to roll up and reveal his secret.

But, he never let it happen once.

Though, Hanamaki and Matsukawa noticed that something was obviously off.

Oikawa was a bit preppier, smiling more, but hugged his arms to himself and would mainly keep his head down at the same time. Something wasn't mixing right for the two males, same for the rest of the team (minus Iwaizumi).

Iwaizumi DID try to talk to Oikawa, but he somehow alqays managed to become sidetracked with something else, as if Oikawa wasn't important enough.

Thankfully, Oikawa never realized this. He didn't even realize rhat Iwaizumi was looking for him.

Though, that is partly Hanamaki and Matsukawa's fault, since they have been actively trying to keep Iwaizumi away from Oikawa to prevent the male from hurting the setter anymore than what had already been done.

But, eventually, Oikawa decides to talk to Iwaizumi himself, with a happier tone.

He thought that with this cutting, this self punishment, then it would push him to be better, thus make Iwaizumi happier with him. Honestly, this isn't even about Iwaizumi not liking him romantically anymore.

It's about Iwaizumi liking him, period.

And, let's just say that Iwaizumi, once again, didn't help at all. Though, thankfully, he didn't make anything worse.

Oikawa had tried to talk to Iwaizumi, but was rather ghosted since the other male had been doing homework. Homework, that seems like a plausible reason, right?

That is, if Iwaizumi was actually doing homework and not secretly texting Aiko.

But, Oikawa never caught onto that. Despite being a very observational guy, one who can make correct assumptions right off the bat, he has become seemingly naive, and unknowing of even the most obvious of things.

Oikawa doesn't show it, but it still hurts to be ghosted like that by Iwaizumi.

But, the male tries to force himself to think of it in a better way, like, Iwaizumi is just looking out for his grades, and perhaps his life after high school!

Though, as much as Oikawa desperately tries to tell himself that, he also knows that he can't trick his own mind. It just doesn't work.

That day, Oikawa skipped practice and ran straight home, straught home to his favorite new object.

His razor.

Through the day, he hqd made tallies and little reasons of why he deserved more and more cuts on a secret little piece of paper he stashed in his back pocket.

And once he was in the safety of his own room, the door locked, he went to work, not wasting any time.

And soon enough, the sad, toxic smile was back on his face.

But strangely, this time, it doesn't feel as good as it did the first time.

Chapter Text

Oikawa had gotten amazing at hiding his cuts. He was so good that he even managed to hide them from his overly cautious and watching teammates. Hanamaki and Matsukawa have been keeping a eye on Oikawa, though are completely unaware of what Oikawa was currently doing to himself. He didn't blame them though, since, well, he had gotten really good at hiding these specific things. They can easily detect his depressing emotions, but couldn't pinpoint anything physical, sadly.

Aiko, on the other hand, was at a crossroads.

She didn't really know what path she should follow. One path was leading her into a supportive, loving life with Iwaizumi, and the other one leads her away from that. She didn't know if she should help Oikawa, or stay with Iwaizumi and commit her time to him.

She does feel like Iwaizumi went overboard with how he acted towards Oikawa, she apologized for starting it and for Iwaizumi in general.

But, what she doesn't like is how Oikawa seems to be keeping himself away from Iwaizumi. She believes that Oikawa is trying to hide everything from his childhood best friend, trying to mask his happiness and just hide away- not even trying to ask for help.

Hanamaki and Matsukawa believe she couldn't be even more wrong. They know that she has good intentions, she is just horrible with going about then and acting upon her words, and that's just a obvious fact.

Oikawa hasn't really been paying attention to the others all that much. He has noticed small things, but not too much.

He is far too numb for that.

He can't even say the word "happy" without recoiling inwards in disgust. Happiness? What's happiness. Oikawa would give a dry, humorless laugh if someone said something cheesy. He found it all redundant. They were trying to make him happy, but, it wasn't working at all.

It became painfully obvious that the only one who could get Oikawa out of this, was Iwaizumi.

And Iwaizumi wasn't doing a thing to help him.

Oikawa wasn't surprised about that though. Why would Iwaizumi want to help such a annoying, and useless persom like Oikawa? It would just be a waste of his time. Thoughts like that were always invading Oikawa's brain, as if trying to keep him in line. Whenever he would even slightly think about self harm again, sicne that topic has been a major presence in his brain recently, that voice would come back... encouraging.

Go on, it's okay.

You got this, just go deeper.

It'll be okay, it'll feel good.

This is a good punishment.

You were bad, punish yourself.

Good boy.

Oikawa has found himself addicted to the knife. His skin burns and hirts everyday. He can't help but feel pain with every little movement of his arms, thpugh he manages to keep this under the radar of the eyes of his "friends".

Friends.

Ah, Hanamaki, Matsukawa, Kunimi, Kyotani... and all the others. Oikawa really didn't deserve their kindness. That is something he believes to be the biggest fact, next to his self depricating thoughts.

And, sometimes when he thinks, his mind trails over to Shitratorizawa.

And how he was the reason why they failed. He was the reason why they lost.

If he wasn't such a liability, they would have won-

"No, you're amazing! You're the best captain a team could have!" Hanamaki would exclaim if he ever caught Oikawa even saying anything remotely like that, with his teammates easily agreeing.

Oikawa obviously didn't believe a word they said. They were all just sparing his feelings, right? They didn't actually believe he was a good captain.

That's just stupid.

-

Aiko wants to talk face to face with Oikawa, to understand how hia mind was currently working, to understand why Oikawa seemed to be avoiding Iwaizumi. Though, it was the other way around, she just didn't want to believe that. Her loving, dear Iwaizumi would never ignore someone like that.

She somehow managed to get Oikawa to meet her in the park so they could talk one weekend. She noticed how hunched over and reserved the male was, how small he seemed to be making himself despite being over six feet tall.

She stayed silent until he was sitting by her on the bench. See, she was on one end and he literally sat as far away from her on the bench as he could. She didn't question it.

She waited for a moment, before eventually speaking- though suddenly.

"Why have you been avoiding Iwaizumi?"

Oikawa's eyes widened and he froze for a moment. He almost felt like laughing. But, he managed to kee his composure, and his eyea down before gathering up his words in a neat sentence.

"I haven't been. He's been avoiding me," he spoke simply, not feeling as if he had to add in any details.

Oikawa knows that Iwaizumi is avoiding him, and that is what drives his self hate now- the fact that Iwaizumi won't even look at him anymore, won't even spare him a simple glance.

It hurts. It really does.

Aiko looked at Oikawa has if he had grown a secons head, eyes slightly wide. She was silent for a short while, hoping that Oikawa was said that he was kidding, or something along the lines of that.

But, Oikawa of course never said those things.

Aiko then frowned and loosely crossed her arms against her chest, "no, he hasn't. He has told me that he has tried to contact you, has tried to go up and talk to you," she said, obviously going to believe Iwaizumi over Oikawa.

Oikawa sighed and shook his head, "he has texted me a few times... but has hasn't gone up to me," he answered. His voice was so monotone, so robotic sounding, not a single ounce of sarcastism, or sass detected at all. His voice showed how much he truly didn't care anymore- for this conversation, for... everything at this point.

Aiko huffed, "well, texting is better than nothing, right?"

"Sure?" Oikawa replied simply, shrugging. He didn't really know what to say.

Aiko rolled her eyes and stood up, "I can't believe this... Iwa-chan-"

"Don't call him that," Oikawa suddenly said, staring down at the ground, throat suddenly burning. "Please."

Aiko rose a eyebrow, "excuse me?"

"I said, please don't call him that," Oikawa responded, but never rose his head to meet her gaze.

She scoffed at this, shaking her head, "he's my boyfriend, I can call him Iwa-chan all I want," she said. "Why are you acting so entitled? You won't even help yourself and mend your relationship with Iwaizumi. You're being so... overdramatic, so... selfish, ugh," Aiko shook her head and walked off, leaving Oikawa stunned.

Oikawa now stared down at the concrete below him, eyes wide.

The first thing Oikawa did after that was call Iwaizumi.

-

Miraculously, Iwaizumi did pick up. And, he agreed to meet Oikawa at the Yamamoto Bridge.

Oikawa was waiting for him, staring down at the train tracks rhat ran beneath the bridge. Iwaizumi showed up, though five minutes late (Oikawa didn't care that much).

"...hey," Oikawa said weakly, turning his head to look at the other male.

Iwaizumi just awkwardly nodded, not responding. Great.

Oikawa sighed amd turned his head away from to respond, "do you think I'm being selfish?" He asked after a small moment, rather curious of Iwaizumi's response.

The other male was surprised by the straightforward question, but actually answered it. The answer didn't really surprise Okawa.

"Yes, a little."

"Why so?"

"...you haven't tried telling me what's wrong. You keep pushing me away."

Oikawa let a small, weak smile curl onto his lips and he nodded- but Iwaizumi, for some reason, decided to keep talking.

"Ever since I got with Aiko, you've been so... dramatic lately. I don't know what's wrong with you," Iwaizumi said with a shrug.

Oikawa also took notice of the lack of "Shittykawa", and more. It was like even that playful banter was over between them. Man, that hurt. It hurt real bad.

"Aiko is amazing, Oikawa. I don't know why you have to be so... negative because of her," Iwaizumis sighed, shaking his head.

Oikawa couldn't hold back his words. He was already planning things in his head, so he really had to get something off his chest- now.

"I used to have a crush on you."

It was like the entire world froze at that moment, Iwaizumi's eyes wide while Oikawa was still staring down at the train tracks. Oikawa picked lightly at his sleeves, wishing he could see his cuts- wishing to be able to see through the fabric of his sleeves.

"...you can't be serious, really? Heh... I never would have known," Iwaizumi said, rubbing the back of his neck sheepishly.

Oikawa just shook his head, "...hm." he pushed himself away from the railing and started to just... walk away. He didn't want to hear Iwaizumi's voice. It hurt too much. He just wanted to go home.

He was just too damn tired.

Too damn tired of all of this. He just wanted to sleep. Forever. No, he didn't want to sleep.

He wanted to die.

Chapter Text

To say that Matsukawa, Hanamaki, and the rest of the team (minus Iwaizumi) were worried would be a major understatement. They were terrified. They could all see that something was... different with Oikawa. He has been depressed lately, obviously. But now, he just seems void. He just seems...

Broken.

Oikawa hasn't spoken to his friends, he hasn't spoken to his parents. Though, he doesn't ignore them. He hugs his parents, he nods lightly in response to his friends and parents. He just doesn't talk, and won't meet their eyes.

Though, he has been completely avoiding Iwaizumi and Aiko.

He doesn't want to ruin their lives anymore, he wants them to be happy. And he was sure that they'd be happy without him. Everyone would.

It did hurt to see his parents' worried gazes, and feel their tighter hugs. He really was burdening them, wasn't he? Making them worry, making them stress out just because of him.

A sad, sad, volleyball captain who failed his entire team.

There used to be a version of him that won- that captivated everyone's gaze, that made sure he was a good captain to his team- a confident, gorgeous young man. But now look at him. Noq, he's a ruined shell, just a mirage of his past self.

And, he's ready to give up. Just one more day. One more day until his fateful end with the bridge, and the scheduled train.

One more day until he commited suicide.

-

There has been word traveling through the school about Oikawa, and how much he had changed. The team noticed it quick, noticing every little word spoken about their captain. Despite what Oikawa thinks, they still respect him, they still look up to him. They still see him as the strong, smart captain they have been playing with.

But now, it seemed like the entire school had some kind of different opinion on Oikawa, all ranging from good, bad, and neutral.

Hanamaki and Matsukawa were waiting by Oikawa's locker, the captain not present yet. Though, there was the fact that the two of them tend to get there earlier than Oikawa, so they weren't worried, not yet (about his current absence since they were still worried about him period).

There was a couple standing behind them, and the two males only started to listen to their conversation once Oikawa's name spilled from the boyfriend's lips. Hanamaki and Matsukawa stayed put, their ears just on high alert.

"You've noticed how off Oikawa has been, right?"

"Of course I have, who hasn't?" The girlfriend replied with a small laugh. Hanamaki held back a smartass comment about the laugh the girl gave, and just kept listening, Matsukawa keeping a steely gaze.

"Don't you think he's being too emotional, too dramatic?" The male chuckled, the girl laughing some more with him.

"Of course, duh! He used to be so attractive, now he's just a bum," she giggled, shaking her head.

It wasn't really a smart idea to just... talk about Oikawa like that right by his locker, where two of his good friends were obviously standing. Either the couple didn't notice them, or they just didn't care. Matsukawa and Hanamaki didn't care about which two explainations, or whatever explaination they had was- they weren't going to allow any bad mouthing of Oikawa.

Matsukawa, glaring now, turned around slowly to face the couple, "Oikawa is nothing close to a bum," he said, arms crossed firmly against his chest. "You two shouldn't be talking about him that way, because you have honestly no clue what he's going through right now," he hissed out.

Hanamki nodded, one hand on his hip, "he's not even being close to being over dramatic. I'm sure if you two were in his shoes, you'd be acting the same," he huffed.

The couple glanced at each other, before the male spoke once more, "but, his emotions caused you guys to lo-"

Matsukawa's eyes widened, and before the other male was able to finish the word, he quickly growled out, "don't you dare finish that sentence. It wasn't his damn fault. Now, you two can happily fuck off."

The couple then just gave scoffs, before turning and walking away. Though, they should be glad Kyoutani didn't hear what they said.

The next group wasn't so lucky, though. It happened on the same day, when Matsukawa, Hanamaki, Kyoutani, and Yahaba were hanging out during lunch. Oikawa wasn't with them because he had been stopped by a teacher, and was talking with her, and the four of them were ushered to lunch despite wanting to wait for their captain.

There was a small group of three people behind the table where the four were sitting at. Either they have a high death wish, or they somehow didn't see Kyoutani right there, at the table right in front of them.

"I can't believe we lost another volleyball tournament," one of them commented.

The four then tensed, Hanamaki's, Matsukawa's, and Yahaba's eyes now flickering over at Kyoutani's tense look. They were all ready to defend Oikawa of course, but they all know how Kyoutani can get.

"We were doing so good too. And then we just had to go and loose to Shiratorizawa, again," another one complained, gaining nods and hums of agreement.

"It's obvious why we lost though. Oikawa screwed the team," the third person scoffed.

That was all that needed to be sad to make Kyoutani snap. He slammed his fist down on the lunch table, stood up and swiftly turned to glare at the small group behind them.

"You three need to shut the fuck up! You guys aren't even on the team, so you can't say anything on how we lost. Nothing was his fault, nothing!" He growled.

"Oh come on, we all know you want to just blame him, and his dumb emotions," the first guy laughed. But, his laughter was but short when Kyoutani grabbed onto the collar of his shirt and pulled him forward.

Yahaba sighed and shook his head, while Matsukawa and Hanamaki smirked at the spectacle. The lunch room was slowly starting to avert it's attention to what Kyoutani was doing.

"Shut the fuck up with that "dumb emotions" shit! I may nit agree with him all the time, but at least I can fucking see when someone is genuinely in the shitter, unlike you assholes!" He blared.

Yahaba sighed, standing to pry Kyoutani away from the group before teachers had to get involved (or before Kyoutani murdered someone). But before Yahaba walked away with Kyoutani, he made his own little comment. "We will protect and defend Oikawa to no end, don't forget that."

He then managed to get Kyoutani away, and left the lunch room with Hanamaki and Matsukawa fo cool down the hot headed male.

Oikawa of course heard what had happened, questioned Kyouta i about it, told the male he didn't have to do stuff like thay. He told the entire team to just ignore what the people say. Of course, he was met with strong opposition, and declarations of protection.

He then just shook his head and fell silent.

-

Iwaizumi has been thinking the entire day. He didn't try to text Aiko, he didn't even try to do any work. He was trying to think about his actions, how Oikawa has been acting, and how the team has been reacting to his own actions.

Once he got home once school was out, he just rushed up into his bedroom to think (of course after he greeted his mother).

He sat on his bed, staring down at the ground in thought.

It only seemed to click around midnight.

He had laid down, one leg crossed over the other, arms crossed against his chest.

He had forced his mind to tear away from Aiko for just this moment, and to think about Oikawa. He made himself stop thinking about his own feelings and about Aiko's feelings, and actually pay attention to Oikawa and his feelings. Things only seemed to piece together for him at that point.

Holy shit he has fucked up bad.

He had dedicated so much of his life and time to Aiko, he forgot about his own best friend. He ruined Oikawa.

As realization and more and more details dawned even more in his brain, dread started to fill him faster and faster. He caused Oikawa to be like that. His obsession with his girlfriend ruined the one person who knew him best, next to his own mother.

Iwaizumi knew he had to fix this, he knew he had to prove himself to Oikawa AND the team.

He had to make things right.

-

Today's the day.

Oikawa couldn't help but smile blankly at the thought. Today was the day, no more until he gave Iwaizumi the happy relief that would be his (Oikawa's) death. He was going to make everyone happy on this very day.

Oikawa trudged through the entire school day, knowing that people were still talking about him. Knowing that his team was becoming more and mored worried as the days passed.

'Don't worry, all of your worries will stop soon,' Oikawa said in his head, as if he was talking to his team.

Oikawa has still been cutting, too. He was surprised that his team hadn't found out already, but he didn't care all that much. It was fine, really, because it was all going to come to a end very soon.

The entire day it seemed like Iwaizumi was trying to talk to him, or gain his attention, or whatever. But Oikawa did his best to ignore him, believing that even if Iwaizumi approached him, it would still be a burden on Iwaizumi.

Hanamaki and Matsukawa noticed a slight difference in how Oikawa acted. Oikawa acted... as if nothing mattered, acted so emotionlessly, so devoid of color.

They also noticed how Iwaizumi has been trying to talk to Oikawa.

They were worried about Iwaizumi's intentions, but didn't do anything about it just yet because it seemed like Oikawa just didn't want to talk to him.

By the end of the day, though, they finally decided to confront Iwaizumi. Oikawa was already home, they believed.

"What's your deal?" Hanamaki asked, arms crossed.

Iwaizumi frowned, "what do you mean?" He asked, about to start heading to Oikawa's.

"He means, what are you trying to pull? Why are trying to talk to Oikawa? Haven't you hurt him enough?" Matsukawa growled out.

Iwaizumi frowned more, eyes darting to the ground, "...I... I have realized what I have done was wrong-"

"Wrong?! It's more than wrong! You destroyed him!" Matsukawa glared, Hanamaki nodding in agreement.

Iwaizumi also nodded, "y-yes, I know! I fucked up, I fucked up bad. I was so obsessed with Aiko, and with having a girlfriend, that I didn't realize his feelings. I want to make things right, I want to apologize and fix things," Iwaizumi said.

Matsukawa paused, analyzing Iwaizumi's tone. The male didn't seem sarcastic, or to be lying in any sense. They decided to trust Iwaizumi, just this once.

He and Hanamaki exchanged glances, before nodding. "...alright. Where are you going now?" Hanamaki asked.

"I was going to go to Oikawa's..." Iwaizumi answered.

"Then we're coming with you, just to make sure you actually try to apologize," Hanamaki nodded.

Iwaizumi could understand that. "Oh, okay... yeah." He said, starting to relax just a bit.

"Well, let's go then," Matsukawa said, before leading the walk.

-

When they got to Oikawa's house, they knocked on the door. Oikawa's mother of course answered it and asked what they needed.

When they asked for Oikawa, they were given n answer rhat chilled them and made them incredibly nervous.

"Tooru... he said he needed fresh air, so he said he was going to the bridge, the Yamamoto bridge." She answered.

Iwaizumi's eyes widened, and he was the first to act. He seiftly turned on his heels, and bolted in the direction of the bridge.

Before Hanamaki and Matsukawa could follow him, Oikawa's mother spoke.

"I could tell something was off with him today. Please... please make sure my son is okay. I just... I don't know what to do," she pleaded.

Hanamaki nodded, "don't worry. We'll help him," he said, Matsukawa nodding in agreement.

The woman thanked them, and soon they were on their way, running after Iwaizumi.

Iwaizumi's heard was beating fast, pounding against his ribcage. He was terrified, worried.

'Please, please, please! Please be okay, please be safe! I'm so sorry, I'm so damn sorry Tooru!' Iwaizumi screamed in his head, tears already beginning to form in his eyes.

Iwaizumi then decided to call Oikawa on his way to the bridge, hoping Oikawa would pick up.

He didn't.

-

Oikawa swung his legs back and forth, looking down at the train tracks below him. He was currently sitting on the bride, in front of the rather... pointless railing. He didn't say anything, just staring and thinking, his mind just asking random questions that he already knew the answer do. Was everything she said true? Yes. Is he all of those things? Yes.

Oikawa continued to wonder, eyes seemingly emotionless, despite the pain and saddness they held. Oikawa turned his head and looked at his phone which had started ringing, buzzing against the concrete. Iwaizumi's calling. Odd, he should be off making out with Aiko or something since that seems to be the only thing he does now. With nothing to stop it, his phone was moving, moving closer to the edge of the bridge due to the vibrations.

Oikawa only watched.

Oikawa only watched as his phone fell off the ledge of the bridge.

Chapter Text

Iwaizumi ran and ran, his heart pounding hard against his chest. He had to make this right, he had to fix this massive file of mistakes. He was terrified, he was angry- angry at himself for being so goddamn stupid. How could he have hurt Oikawa this bad? How could he have not seen the signs? He's been such a horrible person. He desperately wants to just hold Oikawa to his chest and tell him how good and amazing he is.

That is, if he gets there in time.

"Please... please be okay," Iwaizumi murmured under his breath. "Please be okay, Tooru," he added, running even faster.

He didn't know if Hanamaki and Matsukawa were following him, but he didn't care. His mind was on Oikawa and Oikawa alone- he had to save him.

-

Oikawa stared down at the train tracks, sniffling lightly. He could hear the sound of the train... the "horn" of the train sounding. He shakily stood upright, and moved. He started to slowly walk along the bridge, before turning off of it. He started to walk down the hill, heart pounding.

"Oikawa!"

Huh?

"Stop!"

That can't be him. That isn't Iwaizumi.

Oikawa turned his head slightly to see a panicked Iwaizumi running across the bridge- getting closer and closer. It was like things then turned to slow motion in Oikawa's head.

Oikawa's heart was pounding. The sound of Iwaizumi's screams and the train sounding turned to nothing in his ears. He couldn't hear a thing. He felt numb. His eyes turned back to the train tracks, and he could see the train coming closer. And closer. And closer.

Iwaizumi was getting closer now.

And now Oikawa was standing on the train tracks, staring ahead at the oncoming train, hugging himself tight. He could feel warm tears rolling down his cheeks, onto his chin and onto the ground. When had he started crying? He didn't know.

He couldn't hear anything anymore.

He closed his eyes shut tight- ready. This was it. He would finallt rid everyone of his presence. Everyone would be relieved happy to have him gone. He was a nuisance to everyone, so they would rejoice. They would celebrate. Oikawa was glad. He would finally be able to make everyone in his life happy- and that is the one thing he has wanted. He wants everyone to be happy.

He wants Iwaizumi to be happy.

He wants Iwaizumi to be-

Huh?

Oikawa opened his eyes and gasped. Iwaizumi had reached him before the train had, and pulled the taller male away. Iwaizumi was on the ground, clutching Oikawa close to his chest, trembling. The train ran on in front of the them, horn still going.

Oikawa was frozen. He didn't know what to do. He was shocked, honestly. Why did Iwaizumi save him? He didn't mean anything to the ace, right? He was a nuisance to him, so why?

"Fucking hell... never... fucking do that again," Oikawa heard Iwaizumi croak out. Iwaizumi's voice was strained, and Oikawa realized something else. Iwaizumi was crying. When Oikawa tried to move from Iwaizumi's grip, that same grip only seemed to tighten, pulling Oikawa closer to him.

"N-no, stay right fucking here," Iwaizumi spoke, his voice cracking. Oikawa didn't say a thing. He was stunned, eyes still a bit wide. He didn't try to move anymore. He just waited.

Hanamaki and Matsukawa finally arrived, but didn't move down to the hill... not yet. They were both standing on the bridge, watching. As much as they wanted to go down and hug Oikawa, they knew Iwaizumi had to speak to Oikawa... alone. So, they backed off for now.

"I...Iwaizumi?"

Iwaizumi internally winced. Hearing Oikawa say his name likw that really hurt. So Iwa-chan... no sing song voice... no annoying voice... no... Oikawa.

"Yes?" Iwaizumi responded, trying to stop his tears.

"Why did you do that?"

Iwaizumi froze, his hold on Oikawa faltering enough for Oikawa to slither out. Though, Oikawa didn't move far. He just sat down criss cross, in front of Iwaizumi, his head down, staring at his shoes.

"W-what do you mean?" Iwaizumi stammered out, and nearly punched himself for such a idiotic response.

"I... I just didn't expect that... you'd save me... I thought you would have... enjoyed me-"

"Do nor finish that sentence," Iwaizumi said quickly, staring directly at Oikawa. "Oikawa- Oikawa, please look at me," Iwaizumi pleaded, hoping Oikawa would. He didn't. "Tooru, please" Iwaizumi spoke, voice still pleading. That caused Oikawa to glance up a bit.

"I've been a complete asshole to you these past months. I've made your life hell because of my stupid obsession with a girlfriend. I'm so fucking sorry, Tooru. I've been such a idiot, not paying attention to your feelings, only thinking about myself. I'm so damn sorry, I want to make it up to you," Iwaizumi said, all while looking at Oikawa, both maintaining eye contact.

Oikawa was silent for a moment, before he frowned.

"What? No- no, you did nothing wrong!" He said. Iwaizumi wanted to punch himself again for making Oikawa think like this.

"I burdened you, annoyed you so much! I deserved all of your anger," he said, looking away from Iwaizumi. He fiddled with one of his long sleeves, his skin aching for some sort of punishment for his failure.

You couldn't even kill yourself... pathetic. Useless.

"Tooru!"

Iwaizumi's voice snapped Oikawa out of his mind. Iwaizumi sighed, and glanced down at his lap before looking back at Oikawa.

"Tooru, you did nothing wrong. You didn't. I messed up, I forced all of those bad ideas into your head. Please, please... don't think like that, please," Iwaizumi pleaded. Oikawa was silent once more, examining Iwaizumi. He honestly didn't know what to think.

"I... uh... I don't... I..." Oikawa just didn't know what to say.

"Tooru," Iwaizumi said. Once more, Oikawa's attention snapped back to Iwaizumi.

"Please, let me show you how perfect you are. Let me help you learn how to love yourself again, let me help you. I want to make up for what I've done to you," Iwaizumi pleaded.

Oikawa thought for a moment, before he said, "I... I don't think anything you'll try will work... but... ok?" Oikawa said, oviously unsure.

Iwaizumi was going to take that, though. And he was going to make sure Oikawa knew how to love himself soon. Iwaizumi wasn't going to stop until self love was engrained in Oikawa's mind- until Oikawa was back to his usual self.

Iwaizumi knew he had a lot to make up for, but he was determined to fix everything. He was sure he could do it- no, he knew he could. He can. And, he will.

-

Hanamaki and Matsukawa soon came down to hug and rant to Oikawa about scaring them like that. They hugged and hugged, eyed Iwaizumi suspiciously, vefore taking Oikawa home. They didn't tell his mother what happened per his request. He didn't want to worry her even more.

The four of them stayed in Oikawa's room for the night and simply talked. They talked about memes and other stuff, trying to just make Oikawa comfortable.

Eventually, Oikawa, Matsukawa, and Hanamaki fell asleep, with Iwaizumi awake. The ace examined Oikawa's bedroom and frowned. It looked so gloomy. It used to be so bright and lively, full of all kinds of cute stuff. Now, it just looked dead.

Iwaizumi sighed and closed his eyes, head tilted. When he opened his eyes once again, his eyes caught something in the little bedroom trash can Oikawa had.

Iwaizumi moved so he could see ir better, and shined his phone's flashlight onto it. It was red... well, part of it was. And, it was hiddwn beneath crumbled pieces of paper.

It was rather unusual.

Iwaizumi moved the crumbled pieces of paper and took out wad of tissues- all with very... worrying specific lines of blood on them. Iwaizumi's heart skipped a beat. No way had Oikawa been... oh god.

Iwaizumi stared down at the wad of tissues, before he quickly put it back in the trashcan. He cursed at himself mentally for being so curious, before looking over at Oikawa.

He jumped when he saw two eyes looking back at him. Oikawa was sitting upright on the bed, watching Iwaizumi closely.

Both males were completely silent, before Oikawa laid back down on his bed, rolled onto his side, and went back to sleep.

Iwaizumi chewed lightly on his lower lip before letting out a heavy sigh. He slumped down against the wall, on the makeshift bed of blankets he would be sleeping on. After about 30 minutes of contemplation, the ace finally went to bed as well.

-

Iwaizumi has been trying to get Oikawa comfortable with him again. Of course, that isn't a easy task. The same is with getting the team comfortable with him again. Practices are awkward and rather silent, much to the confusion of the coaches. Hanamaki and Matsukawa told the team about Iwaizumi trying to be better, but it was obvious they all believed actions triumphed words.

Whenever Iwaizumi can, he tries to talk with Oikawa, to get closer to Oikawa, to tell Oikawa sweet and kind words. Though, Oikawa just seems offput by Iwaizumi's behavior. Iwaizumi knows this won't be a easy task, but he is certainly up for the challenge, obviously.

Days and weeks passed... and something was obviously nagging with Oikawa. Iwaizumi just didn't know what. He desperately wanted Oikaw to open up to him, to talk to him about what qas bugging him. He just had to... nudge Oikawa in the right direction.

So, one weekend, Iwaizumi showed up at Oikawa's house. Oikawa's mother let him in, and Iwaizumi went upstairs. He found Oikawa reading silently on his bed. Oikawa was obviously surprised by Iwaizumi's presence, but he didn't tell Iwaizumi to leave.

"O-oh... hey..." Oikawa said nervously, sitting up.

Iwaizumi sat on a chair beside Oikawa's bed and smiled slightly, "hey. Sorry for popping up unannounced. I know you have always hated that, I just wanted to talk to you."

Oikawa nodded lightly and closed his book, setting the book aside to pay attention to Iwaizumi. "Well... what so you want to talk about?" He asked.

"You."

"Me?" Oikawa asked, confused. "Why me?"

"I... I want to talk about what happened... and you..." Iwaizumi said, trailing off.

It clicked in Oikawa's mind, and he sighed a bit, "oh..."

"Look, Oikawa, I... I know things like this are going to be hard. I just want to help you," Iwaizumi said.

Oikawa couldn't help but suddenly say, "I don't want to talk about it."

"You never do."

"So?"

"I want to helo you. I need you to open up to me," Iwaizumi said, nervously tapping his finger on his thigh. He then sighed, "but... if you truly don't want to, I won't force you."

Oikawa tensed slightly. Great. He had two choices. Either he couuld open up to Iwaizumi, or just cut off the entire conversation.

He couldn't choose one- he didn't know if one was better than the other.

But, before Oikawa could think any longer, he suddenly blurted out, "fine."

Iwaizumi lit up at that, and Oikawa couldn't help the clenching of his heart. Iwaizumi was... happy? because of him? That single sight made Oikawa's heatt flutter, made him want to smile- but he held back, for now.

"So... you'll talk to me, then?" Iwaizumi asked.

Oikawa nodded lightly, "mhm, I will," he responded, though quietly.

Iwaizumi's lips curled up into a soft smile, and Oikawa's heart flutter again. Iwaizumi was... happy. He was showing it again, Iwaizumi was showing happiness again! Because of him!

Oikawa, while he was happy about that, was so confused as well. Why was Iwaizumi happy because of him responding like that? Oikawa had questions of his own, but he guessed that various questions would be asked and answers this day.

He just... hoped he would be able to see Iwauzmi smile once more.

"...can we talk about... what has been bugging you recently?" Iwaizumi asked, as if he was testing the waters.

Oikawa nodded weakly, before saying, "everything is so odd... the team... and you... are being so careful around me... treaing me like a king..." he said slowly, hoping to not say anything wrong. He didn't want to ruin Iwaizumi's happiness.

"That's because we all want to make you feel good and confident again," Iwaizumi simply. "We all want you to see how perfect you are."

"Yeah, but it's weird..." Oikawa sighed, looking away.

"I miss how we all used to be. I miss how we all used to joke and have fun..." Oikawa said, trailing off.

Iwaizumi glanced down at his lap. He could understand that. He too wanted to get back into team antics again. He wanted things to be like they were before. He wanted things to be okay and perfect again.

"I know... I do too," Iwaizumi said. "We... we just want to focus on you, first, though," he added.

Oikawa sighed and shook his head, "now that is something I honestly don't get. Why me? Why do you guys want to focus on me, make me feel confident?"

"Because you need-"

"I don't need confidence! I don't deserve it! I don't deserve these compliments!" Oikawa said, surprising even himself with his sudden outburst.  He quickly calmed down and stared down at his hands. "S-sorry..."

Iwaizumi shook his head, "don't apologize. I said I wanted you to open up to me- and you're doing just that," he said calmly, despite his very fast beating, and pain filled heart.

"Look- Oikawa- Tooru, your head is speaking lies to you. You deserve to love yourself, you need to. You aren't you without your confidence. I miss the old Oikawa, the old Oikawa who joked about aliens and who whined every second. I know I messed that Oikawa up, but I'll work so damn hard to get him back," Iwaizumi said. He had inched his chair closer to Oikawa's bed, but if Oikawa noticed, he didn't say anything about it.

Oikawa fell silent once more, for a few moments.

"Do... do you mean that?" He asked nervously.

"Of course I do," Iwaizumi said with a firm nod.

Oikawa glanced away and fiddled with his thumbs, thinking. Was Iwaizumi being genuine? Were Iwaizumi's words right?

No. Don't listen to him. He's wrong. He's lying to you.

Oikawa tensed as that voice returned, and he quickly looked at Iwaizumi.

"...I hear a voice in my head. It keeps telling me these... things. It's telling me you're lying. Are you lying?" Oikawa asked, his breathing becoming a bit erratic.

"No, of course not! I would never lie about this, Tooru. Please, trust me on this," Iwaizumi pleaded- again.

When Oikawa didn't reply, Iwaizumi tried something different.

"Can I see your hand?"

"Huh?"

"Can I see your hand?" Iwaizumi asked again, his own hand out towardw Oikawa, hope evident in his eyes.

Nervously, Oikawa nodded. He slowly moved his hand out and towards Iwaizumi's own. He placed his hand in Iwaizumi's own hold, and Iwaizumi softly held the other's hand. He then brought his head down and pressed his forehead against Oikawa's hand. "Calm down," Iwaizumi said softly.

Oikawa's eyes widened, and he watched Iwaizumi.

Suddenly, Iwaizumi began to talk softly and calmly, talking to Oikawa sweetly. Oikawa found himself becoming lost in Iwaizumi's voice, causing him to also relax, to finally calm down.

"I know we still have a long while to go... but please, trust me. Don't trust that asshole voice in your head. He's the liar, not me," Iwaizumi said after raising his head.

"I'm here for you, Tooru. From now until we die, I promise," Iwaizumi said, looking Oikawa dead in his eyes.

Oikawa froze, and his heart clenched. "Don't say that-" Oikawa started.

"No, I will say it, because it's true."

Oikawa felt a sting in his eyes.

"I will be here for you, from now and to forever."

His eyes were becoming watery. Iwaizumi continued to soothingly talk to Oikawa.

"I will hold you, listen to you rant. I will be your anchor. I will bw here for you, I will rewrite my mistakes."

A few tears rolled down Oikawa's cheeks, and Iwaizumi wioed them away. When had Iwaizumi gotten that close?

"I will be the childhood best friend you have needed- and deserve. I won't ever leave you again."

Oikawa didn't care for the fact that Iwaizumi said childhood best friend and not lover. He just wanted his best friend back. And now, there was a waterfall of tears running down both of his cheeks.

Oikawa soon found himself being held against Iwaizumi's chesr, cryinf against the other male. He felt... safe in Iwaizumi's embrace. He cried and cried, until he uttered a single word (amongst a sentence)- a name that made Iwaizumi's heart skip a beat.

"I-Iwa-chan... thank you..."

Chapter Text

I am so sorry about my lack of updates! School and a new job have swamped me completely. I will try to get some new chapters as soon as I can!

Chapter Text

Things were still going to be hard, of course. Things wouldn't be perfect in a single day. But now, both parties were trying. Oikawa was now actually listening to Iwaizumi's words, even if he (Oikawa) didn't believe him (Iwaizumi).

Iwaizumi was grateful that Oikawa was... actually listening, paying attention and actually trying with him. It made him so very happy, because to him, that is a sign that Oikawa actually wants to be better.

The team have noticed how the two have been working together, as well. Despite the volleyball season being over, they still practiced with the team, of course. And boy, their teamwork has been slowing climbing back up to it's former glory. It made everyone happy.

Other students in the school have absolutely no idea what's happening with their volleyball team, but the players have made sure to keep them out of the drama and stuff that has been happening.

What happens with the Aoba Josai volleyball team says with them, and only them. (Most of the time...)

Oikawa isn't perfect, but obviously better. He actually smiles, he doesn't give a fake smile of the over the top happy smile he would give to his fangirls. Oh, speaking of the fangirls...

They have begun to resurface again.

As Oikawa has become happier and more active and talkative recently, his fangirls have begun to trickle back to him. Oh, and he doesn't look wrecked anymore, so that's another contributor. Oikawa doesn't care about that much, though.

Iwaizumi just can't believe how blind he has been recently. How blind he has been to the absolute beauty who is always with him.

How has he not noticed Oikawa's true beauty before? Or, has he noticed it before, and just shoved it off to the side? That's another thing Iwaizumi has been battling with himself, whenever he can be alone to his own thoughts.

Has he always been lying to himself, pushing things away? If so, why? He isn't afraid of being bisexual, since he knows he isn't fully gay- he likes girls as well. He has no issues with liking guys.

Then why the hell does it seem like he's been pushing down these thoughts and feelings for Oikawa?

Hanamaki and Matsukawa easily spot just how long Iwaizumi's gaze would linger on their captain. They notice how his gaze isn't of worry or concern- it's of admiration, kimda like how they (Hanamaki and Matsukawa) look at each other. It didn't take long for them to piece things together.

The two makes managed to corner Iwaizumi alone, who didn't really put up a fight, but instead was just hella confused about what was happening. The couple didn't explain until the three of them were alone and safe.

"So... you got a crush?" Matsukawa said as Hanamaki smirked a bit.

"...huh? What are you talking about?" Iwaizumi questioned, already on edge. What are those two planning?

"Oh please, you know what we're talking about," Hanamaki hummed, leaning against his boyfriend, Matsukawa nodding.

"No, I really don't." But he did have a sneaking suspicion of what this was about.

The couple just rolled their eyes and Matsukawa said, "we're talking about your obvious crush on Oikawa."

Yup, he knew it.

Iwaizumi immediately tensed and he sucked in his breath. Part of him didn't even want to talk about this, but the other part of him desperately wanted to. He wanted to question them, questioj them about their relationship and how their feelings came to be- and why he seemed to have regressed his own until now.

It was obvious Iwaizumi wasn't going to say anything, so Matsukawa continued. "What made you realize you liked him?" He asked.

That stunned Iwaizumi out of his mind and he couldn't help but say, "I don't even know myself," without thinking. He quickly snapped his mouth shut afterwards, however, huffing to himself. He felt like Oikawa whenever the dumbass would go on a tangent about aliens and would accidentally say something stupid and would have to shut his mouth quick.

Hanamaki rose an eyebrow and he stood up straight, "what do you mean by that?" He asked, craning his neck a bit.

Iwaizumi decided to just throw away his worries for now and just open up to the two idiots in front of him. "I don't know how these... feelings came up, but they suddenly did... and I don't know why, but it feels like they have always been there."

Hanamaki and Matsukawa were silent, and they shared a glace, before humming a bit.

"...so, you've always had a crush on Oikawa then?" Hanamaki asked.

Iwaizumi shrugged a bit, "I... maybe? I dunno..."

"Well, it really seems like you have. I mean, it has always been kinda obvious... with how you two were literally always at each other's hip," Hanamako snickered, causing Iwaizumi to huff a bit.

"Well, then why do I just now realize those... feelings?" He asked.

Hanamaki shrugged a bit, "maybe you just thought those feelings would never become a reality or some shit," he said, half joking and half serious.

Despite how part of Hanamaki was joking, that single sentence made a thought pop up in Iwaizumi's mind. He is really going to have to think on this later.

The couple realized that Hanamaki's sentence seemed to have created an idea in the ace's mind, and they shared a smirk.

"Well, that's that! See you at practice!" Matsukawa said, before he and Hanamaki yoinked off in true couple fashion, leaving Iwaizumi stunned.

Well, guess it was time to ponder. No, scratch that. He'd save that for home. Now, it was just time for class, sadly.

-

Practice went pretty normal with everyone cooperating, and all seeming good. It really seemed like everyone is getting back into the groove of things, which was a major plus for the coach, and of course, the actual players.

Iwaizumi waa hyper aware at the moment of who and what he was looking at during the practice. He was aware, now at least, with how he was constantly looking at Oikawa. He was aware how his eyes and expression looked as he looked at and watched Oikawa.

And... he wasn't bothered by it. Things were snapping into place in his mind pretty fast, and everything seemed to make sense.

Iwaizumi, once he got home after the long day, said hello to his mother and went upstairs. He had a lot of thinking to do, and he already had puzzle pieces together.

His crush on Oikawa has always been there. When they were kids, to Junior High, and up into High School. Those feelings were always there, but the ace had managed to shove those feelings away for a painfully obvious reason.

It was because Iwaizumi didn't believe, idiotically, that Oikawa would ever choose him.

Oikawa could have anyone, literally anyone with his talent and  beauty- so why would he settle for someone as simple as Iwaizumi?

So, when Oikawa revealed that he in fact does like him back, it send all sorts of things reeling in Iwaizumi's mind. It opened so many pathways, so many revelations- and so many surfacing existing feelings.

That was it.

Seeing Oikawa surround himself with so many girls, pride himself on his good looks and ability to woo practically almost anyone definitely set back Iwaizumi's feelings.

They were both fucking idiots.

They both didn't realize each other's feelings. They both thought the other didn't like them back, when in fact, it was the exact opposite. They both liked each other yet they put the thought of them being together as a non existent possibility into their mind, and they kept it there.

But now, Iwaizumi knows. Oikawa doesn't, Oikawa believes Iwaizumi still doesn't like him. But, Iwaizumi knows Oikawa likes- loves him, and Iwaizumi feels the exact same about Oikawa.

Iwaizumi wanted to throw himself into a pond and stay underwater. He was so fucking livid at himself. How could he have hurt the person he cared about the most so fucking bad, to the point of suicide and self hate? How could he have been so damn stupid?

He didn't even know how to go along with telling Oikawa that he liked him- especially after all that has happened. How could he reveal to Oikawa, that after all of this drama, after hurting Oikawa so much, that he actually liked the male romantically? Oikawa wouldn't know what to believe. It would confuse the male so much to the point of even believing that Iwaizumi was saying that just to make him feel better.

Iwaizumi didn't want that. He wanted Oikawa to believe him, to understand that he truly did like him, and really did want to be with him.

But how, how the hell, will Iwaizumi be able to do that?

-

Oikawa sat on his bed, running a hand through his hair. Today was good for the captain, actually good- not sarcastically. He was bored, and all he was doing was staring at a wall. No, he wasn't in a mood. He was thinking, however.

He just can't get Iwaizumi out of his mind.

His precious Iwa-chan doesn't even know about his self harm. How would he be able to bring that up to the male anyway? There is no way you could just walk up to someone and say straight up "I've been cutting myself" and expect a very normal response of: "Oh, cool".

Oikawa groaned and ruffled his hair in frustration, before huffing to himself. He took out his phone and found Iwaizumi's contact, which was, surprise surprise, on his favorite's list. He nibbled down on his lower lip, questioning if he really should text the nale or anything.

In the end, he didn't text the male. Instead, his finger fucking slipped and pressed the green phone button.

Oikawa's eyes widened and he paled. Fuck.

But, what he heard following the beeps, made his heart flutter.

"What, Trashykawa?"

Oikawa didn't respond, and instead, he just smiled a bit- and then he smiled like a fucking idiot. Any possible thought, any slim and miniscule thought of saddness and harm lifted from his mind.

"Oi, hello?"

Oikawa blinked, and he kept his wide smile.

"Oh, sorry Iwa-chan. I was just wondering if you could come over?"

Silence, and then-

"Of course you idiot. I'll be over in a sec."

Oikawa couldn't stop his smile even after the call ended. And he didn't even know that on the other side, Iwaizumi was smiling just as much.

Chapter Text

I am so sorry to those who enjoy this story- I honestly do not know when I'll be continuing with this, but I want to, I'm just really tired and don't want to force myself to do anything. I'm trying to keep my head above water, but I swear I haven't forgotten about this book!!

I'll continue it once I... mentally can! ^^

Chapter Text

As it was a weekend, Iwaizumi knew he could just knock on the door. Usually, if it was a schoolday and it was night, he would just crawl through the damn window. But, thankfully, he didn't have to do that. He knocked on the front door, and was met with Oikawa's mother. She let him in, and Iwaizumi soon made his way upstairs and to Oikawa's room.

He didn't know what Oikawa wanted to talk about, but he was going to listen to what Oikawa wanted to say no matter what. He was going to listen and be there for him. He wasn't going to make the same mistake twice. He was determined to stay by Oikawa's side through thick and thin, and to rewrite all the wrongs he did before.

Oikawa was already waiting in his room, of course. He was nervous as shit, understandably. He was sitting on his bed, sitting criss cross while he nervously fiddled with his fingers, waiting for his door to open and Iwaizumi to walk in.

And soon enough, Iwaizumi did. Though, not after knocking and getting a "come in!" from Oikawa.

Iwaizumi pushed open the door and his eyes landed on Oikawa, "hey," he greeted, and Oikawa smiled at him, "hey," he responded to the greeting.

Iwaizumi walked into the room and closed the door behind him, "how are you feeling?" He asked, not going right into his usual aggressive attitude. If Oikawa had something to talk about, Iwaizumi suspected it would have to deal with something even a little bit sensitive.

Good thing he's right. But at the same time, it's a bad thing that he's right. No one wants to find out their friend has been cutting themselves afterall.

"I'm feeling okay, just a bit nervous," Oikawa said with a little chuckle, rubbing the back of his neck nervously.

Iwaizumi simply rolled his eyes. "You don't need to be nervous around me, not anymore at least. You can tell me anything," he said both seriously and sternly. He really wanted to get that across to Oikawa.

Oikawa nodded slightly, falling silent for a moment. Then, he spoke again, "ah... well... you might want to sit for this then," he said, fingers fiddling once more. The other male nodded and went to sit down on the bed with Oikawa.

"Well, go ahead. There's no need to be so... fidgety," Iwaizumi said, leaning back slightly. However, his eyes met Oikawa's and in that split second he realized just how nervous Oikawa really was. Iwaizumi narrowed his eyes a bit and sat up straight, "did someone do something? Did I do something?" He quickly asked.

Oikawa's eyes widened, "what? No! Nothing like that!" He said quickly, shutting that down fast. "Something happened, but no one else did it. You especially didn't do it," he said.

Well, Iwaizumi didn't physically do it afterall. He might have contributed to Oikawa's emotion state tanking, but Iwaizumi knows that and has been doing his best to be better. However, Oikawa just worries that if Iwaizumi learns this truth, then he (Iwa) would start to hate himself in some way, blame himself even further. Oikawa just wants Iwaizumi to know, he doesn't want anymore blame to be passed around. That would jsut worsen things afterall.

He just wants things to be normal again, is that so hard to ask?

Why yes, yes it is.

Iwaizumi nodded a bit, "oh... good," he said, letting out a sigh of relief. He doesn't want to contribute anymore pain to Oikawa.

Oikawa nodded and looked down at his lap. "Just... when I tell you, please don't react badly... not to me, but to yourself, okay?" He asked.

Iwaizumi rose an eyebrow at that. "Didn't you just say I didn't do anything?" He asked, a bit perplexed now. This caused his mind to race again, but with confused questions.

Oikawa nodded quickly, "yes- yes, because it's the truth. You haven't done... anything... recently," he said, glancing down again. Well, that is a weird yet truthful way to word things.

Iwaizumi blinked and he paused. "Oh. Oh... I see..." he nodded slightly. Shit. "Well... uh... just... say it, I guess then. I'll try my best to keep a level head," he said with a sigh, running a hand through his hair.

The brunette nodded, "alright well... you know how my emotional state was kinda... in the dirt when you were dating Aiko?" That got a stiff nod from Iwaizumi.

"Yeah..."

"Well... uhm, during that time, I started something really bad..." Oikawa explained slowly. He knew Iwaizumi wasn't catching on, and he understood that. Afterall, Oikawa knew he was being rather cryptic. He's trying to dance around the subject, but also knows that hiding it any further won't do any good. He has to get it out there.

Iwaizumi was quiet, just watching Oikawa, letting the male take his time and speak. He didn't want to interrupt.

"That thing was cutting." Oikawa just spat it out, clenching his eyes shut as he dropped his head. All of his fears just rushed into his head, thoughts of Iwaizumi laughing or leaving, or anything of the sort. He knew it was stupid of him to have those thoughts, but after everything he also couldn't blame himself.

Iwaizumi, on the other hand, was frozen. His eyes were wide and his blood had run cold. Cutting? Self harm? Oikawa? Nononononononono-

"Shit oh my god... wait, are you serious? Please tell me you aren't serious, on my shitting christ, I'm so sorry, I'm so fucked-" Iwaizumi started to ramble, and Oikawa's eyes opened slowly. Oikawa looked up at Iwaizumi and shook his head, "wait no, stop that, I said for you not to do that!" He immediately protested.

Iwaizumi immediately huffed, "but it's the truth! My fucked up actions made you start to fucking cut yourself!" He said.

Oikawa shook his head, "Iwa, stop please-"

But Iwaizumi didn't stop. He kept going and going, and Oikawa knew he had to stop him somehow, but how? Oikawa's brain fumbled around and he eventually settled on grabbing Iwaizumi by the cheeks.

"Shut up!" Oikawa exclaimed, shocking Iwaizumi into a silence, his eyes meeting Oikawa's.

"I know why you feel that way, but I don't want you to. Yes, you were... harsh, but you didn't know what your actions were causing. I know you would have never, ever, wanted me to start doing this. My emotions were just all over the place and kinda still are. I don't want you to hate yourself. You're an amazing person, and you're literally trying to fix things between us! I know things aren't perfect, but we're both trying! And we can't go steps backwards because you start hating yourself too, got it?!" Oikawa said seriously, keeping Iwaizumi's attention the entire time.

Iwaizumi was still silent, and Oikawa didn't move his hands. "Well?" Oikawa huffed out a bit.

Iwaizumi blinked, "wha... well what?" He asked, still shocked.

"Do you get it? Tell me, please," Oikawa said. "Tell me you understand and won't blame yourself even more," he added.

Iwaizumi's breath hitched slightly, and he avoided Oikawa's gave for a moment, before eventually looking back into Oikawa's eyes. "I... I don't know. I caused you so much fucking-"

"Yeah, CAUSED! Hajime," the first name startled Iwaizumi slightly, "you hurt me before, yes. But look at you now, you're trying to help me, you're trying to be there for me completely because you realized what happened and you're being a human being!" Oikawa said, heart pounding against his chest.

Iwaizumi swallowed a lump in his throat and took a few deep breaths, before saying, "...I can't guarantee anything, but I'll try."

Oikawa paused, and was about to retaliate, but he understood that. No one really knows what their brain is gunna do, how they're going to feel or act until that moment happens. So, he understands that answer.

Oikawa nodded, "...okay, I'll take that," he said, taking soft breaths to calm himself down as he let go of Iwaizumi's cheeks.

After a few moments of silence, Iwaizumi spoke up with a question. "Does your mom know?"

Oikawa blinked before he sighed, "no, of course not. I can't bring myself to hurt her like that," he said.

"Have you seen a therapist at all?"

"No..." was Oikawa's quiet, and rather shy answer.

Iwaizumi fell silent and he nodded with a small sigh. "I'll help you find one. I think... no, I know that I won't be able to help you completely. You need professional help too, Tooru," he said, also bringing out the first name.

Oikawa sighed, "I know but... seeing a therapist is so... nervewracking."

"Yeah, and telling me you've been self harming isn't?"

"Oh shut up."

Well, that got both of them to laugh at least.

After that, Oikawa thought for a moment. "Would you come with me?" He asked.

Iwaizumi rose an eyebrow, "to therapy?" He asked.

Oikawa nodded, "mhm... you wouldn't  have to everytime... but maybe sometimes? If I actually do go?"

Iwaizumi nodded, "well, of course, if you want me too," Iwaizumi said, his body and heart finally relaxing.

"Then... I'll... I'll think about it," Oikawa said, smiling a bit at him.

"Alright, I'll take that," Iwaizumi hummed. "Oh and... I'm guessing you don't want anyone to... know?" He asked, motioning to Oikawa's arms.

Oikawa nodded, "please, yeah... don't tell anyone. I think I only really trust you with this information..."

That got Iwaizumi to smile. "I'm glad you trust me. But... can you do me another favor? Whenever you get the urge to cut or anything... just text or call me. I'll come right over, I'll respond quickly. I promise. Just try, please?" Iwaizumi pleaded. He knew he couldn't completely stop Oikawa outright, but he could start to try to process, if Oikawa wasn't in therapy yet.

Oikawa nodded, and he smiled more, "yeah... I... I'll try," he said.

"Good... thank you."

Both of them were relaxed. There was so much more to talk about and so much more to get done with, but with one issue currently in the wind, both Iwaizumi and Oikawa felt like they had taken major steps in the right direction.

Chapter Text

The fact that he was actually able to get Oikawa into therapy was amazing. Iwaizumi was ecstatic to learn that Oikawa had thought more on it, and actually completely agreed to it. Oikawa wanted to be better, and they both were going to work at this together.

Iwaizumi couldn't believe the progress they were making.

However, the first day of therapy had Oikawa trembling as they walked up to the building. Iwaizumi had to take a hold of Oikawa's hand, and reassure him that everything would be okay.

"Oi, this is going to go fine. There is no need to worry."

"But.., what if the lady... or guy, is mean and judgemental?" Oikawa asked with a frown.

Iwaizumi scoffed, "then they should find a different profession, because they are certainly in the wrong one if they're being all judgemental and shit," he said, causing Oikawa to laugh.

"I guess you're right..." Oikawa mumbled, looking up at the building.

He took a deep breath, before he nodded. He gave Iwaizumi's hand a little squeeze and smiled, "let's go in," Oikawa finalized. And so they did- together.

The pair walked inside, and Oikawa remained calm. Iwaizumi was the one who talked with the receptionist, with Oikawa slightly hiding behind him. Oikawa already had an appointment set, so all they had to wait for was confirmation. And once they had that, a woman came out to greet them.

"Hello, I'm Tsukito Mariko, you're Oikawa Tooru, I presume?" She asked, looking at the male, who was still hiding a bit behind Iwaizumi.

Oikawa nodded, "o-oh, yes I am," he answered quickly, stepping out from behind Iwaizumi so he could actually be seen. Even if he wasn't actually nervous, he still had some jitters. And Tsukito could easily notice it.

She gave Oikawa a warm and welcoming smile, "no need to be worried or anything. I promise I won"t bite," she lightly joked. "Oh, and you're Iwaizumi Hajime, right? You'll be accompanying him today?" She asked.

Iwaizumi nodded, "yes, I am... to both of those questions. I hope that's fine."

Tsukito hummed, "of course it is! It's not my place to deny anything like that," she said. "Now that we have the beginners introductions down, follow me to my little comfort room, please," she added with a smile.

As Tsukito turned and began to walk out of the receptionist room and down a hallway, Oikawa and Iwaizumi both followed her.

Oikawa's eyes were drawn to the bright, but not childish, decorations throughout the hallways and in other areas. It was really nice, and Oikawa really liked it. It proved to be calming, not to mention the soft smell of lavender that passed through the building was equally, if not more, calming.

Iwaizumi didn't care much for the decorations, though he did like the smell. However, all he cared about right now was Oikawa being calm, so he was fine since Oikawa seemed to be fine... for now, at least. He just hoped everything would go perfectly... fine.

They eventually reached the room Tsukito was talking about, and she let them in first. Once the teens were both inside, Tsukito closed the door and walked over to what could be considered her desk.

The room had bean bags, a hanging sphere seat, comfy sofas, stuffed animals laid about, and more. Her desk seemed to be a low table with cutesy things laid about, and she went and sat upon the beanbag behind it.

"Sit anywhere, pick whatever is most comfortable for you," Tsukito told Oikawa and Iwaizumi.

The pair nodded, looking around. They both eventually decided on a large beanbag, sitting down together. Oikawa was most comfortable sitting like this, with Iwaizumi, and Iwaizumi was perfectly fine with it.

Once they were settled, Tsukito got out a journal and a pen. "Aright, before we get into any of the nitty gritty... tell me about yourselves. I know you are both in high school, but you're of age... but that is all I know," she hummed.

Iwaizumi then tilted his head and asked, "yourselves? Why me too?" He asked.

Tsukito smiled, "well, I figured since Oikawa wanted you to be here, then it would make him more comfortable to hear and see you participating as well." She answered.

Iwaizumi fell quiet and nodded, looking at Oikawa who sheepishly rubbed the back of his neck. "...it would make me feel better," he said with a nervous little chuckle that had Iwaizumi smiling.

"Oh." He nodded.

Iwaizumi fell quiet, thinking, before he shrugged and simply started to talk again. "Well, I'm on my school's volleyball team, I'm the ace... my favorite food is agedashi tofu, and I like the color green," he said. He didn't know what else he could say, really. Was there that much else interesting about him?

Tsukito nodded, "volleyball? I think my son likes volleyball... however, he seems to like all sports," she laughed softly, before her warm brown eyes fell upon Oikawa.

Oikawa had been too busy listening to Iwaizumi and absolutely falling in love with the ace's voice that he forgot he was probably supposed to start talking. Once he realized however, he jumped slightly and blushed, "oh sorry, uh..."

Tsukito shook her head, "no need to apologize, take your time. There is no rush here," she said.

Oikawa nodded, thinking for a moment, before he started to talk once more. "Well, uh, I'm also on the volleyball team. I'm the captain and setter, I really love milk bread, I have some problems with my knee because of some incidents during middle school and volleyball," Oikawa said, pausing. "Hm... oh! I guess you can say I have like a fanclub?" He added.

That caused Iwaizumi to snort just a bit, shaking his head. However, it was in no way mocking.

Tuskito hummed, "a fanclub?" She asked.

Iwaizumi nodded, "I swear, the whole female population at school, and even in other schools, practically adores him. He is always swamped with valentine's gifts, and gifts on other holidays too," he said, Oikawa laughing softly with a nod.

The pair then went on to give different other little facts about themselves, with Tsukito listening with interest. She would comment occasionally, but she would never actually interrupt them.

She, once they were done, went on to talk about herself. She talked about her son, her love of her job, and basic things such as her favorite color and favorite animal and food.

As Oikawa listened to her, he knew he was going to like her more and more with every session. She was kind, she listened... and she didn't seem to be judgemental at all. However, they haven't even... gotten to the "issues" yet.

However, Tsukito told them that right now wasn't the time to talk about any issues. They had to get to know each other first, before they actually got into those sorts of things. It actually reassured Oikawa a lot, since he clearly wasn't being pressured into talking. He was being coaxed, and he was given time.

This is what he needed, and he has Iwaizumi with him as well- it's all he wanted. He has needed this, and honestly he didn't know how much he needed this until now.

The session wasn't long, nor was it short. Tsukito said she didn't want to overload them or anything, so she let them be on there way with some goodbyes and after talking about a session schedule.

Every Thursday, Oikawa would meet with her for therapy, with Iwaizumi. Iwaizumi said he would keep coming if Oikawa wanted him to, and once Oikawa was comfortable and asked him to stop coming, only then would he stop.

Iwaizumi knows Oikawa needs him right now, so there is no way in hell he'd leave his side now. They have gone so far, they have passed so many checkpoints...

Iwaizumi doesn't- no, he can't screw this up now.

Oikawa is going to get better, no matter what. Iwaizumi will make sure of it.

Chapter Text

Hey guys, I'm so sorry for not updating! School and shit has been real annoying, but I've been trying to write here and there. I don't know when the next chapter will be out, but I'll try to do it soon. Key word: try, haha.

Thank you all for being so patient with me!